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justallamaimaginingthings · 5 years ago

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Life And Death Part 1 {Klaus Hargreeves x Reader}

A/n: YOUR BITCH IS BACK Y'ALL. After countless sleepless nights, a couple panic attacks, exams and a hell of a year, I finally got accepted into university. I'm celebrating by watching Umbrella Academy and have fallen straight up in love with Klaus. Idk still if the blog will return to running the way it used to be, but I'll try my best to catch up. I've written some stuff while I was gone but everything's in Greek. However that gave me the idea to experiment with the third POV and I’d like to hear your opinion about it. This one was not requested so we have a female reader but I’d be happy to try writing for a male one as well, since according to Wikia Klaus is pansexual.

Words: 1900ish II TUA Masterlist

Part 1 II Part 2

“Maybe you should take a break, it's been almost an hour and it's not working” She broke the silence after yet another failed attempt to make real contact with him.

“No, I can do this” Klaus insisted, even though he could feel his tiredness threatening to get the best of him. Almost a year had passed since the first time his powers had allowed him to actually touch her and as time went by he was getting increasingly desperate to feel her again. Unfortunately for the both of them, his powers seemed to work on their own, as the ability to physically interact with spirits appeared under the strangest -if not most inconvenient- times possibly and disappeared soon after, leaving Klaus debating the control he possessed over himself even after a whole painful year of sobriety.

“I know you can do this Klaus, but working yourself to exhaustion isn't the way. You need to give it time” She explained softly and the affectionate tone in her voice caused a small smile to appear on the corner of his lips. Truth was that behind the collected and calm exterior she tried to show, she needed this to work just as bad as he did, if not even more. Making contact with an actual living human being was the first thing she had felt in years and it had almost made her feel alive again and the fact that said person was Klaus of all people was exhilarating.

“I've given it an entire year, how much more am I supposed to?” He asked with a disappointed sight, leaning back into the grass. For a moment his eyes travelled to her and he felt the same familiar feeling tugging at his heart strings. She had been the one to help him deal with the whole apocalypse disaster, having stuck with him through everything. During the last year she had been his anchor, helping him remain sober and gain better control over his powers and somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with her. He hadn't even realized it was happening, until one day it all came crushing down on him.

“This is going to sound crazy, but I have a theory” She said, startling him out of his thoughts and back to reality.

“In case you didn't notice, love, crazy is all I do” He answered playfully causing her to roll her eyes at him, even though she felt a shiver running down her spine at the sound of the nickname.

“Fair enough. I think your powers are connected with your emotions” She started but rushed to continue, upon seeing him raising an eyebrow “Hear me out. The first time it happened you were going through withdrawals. You were desperate and angry at yourself and somehow you channeled it to me. The next time you were having a panic attack and the time after that you were heartbroken over Dave. Every time there's a breakthrough you're experiencing something intense” She concluded and even though everything that had come out of her mouth was true, he couldn't help cringing at the reminder of all the low point of his life she had witnessed.

“Even if that makes sense-”

“Which it does” She interrupted with a confident smirk and now it was his turn to roll his eyes at her antics.

“Okay, but how does it help? What, am I supposed to keep hitting rock bottom in hopes it will be useful?” He asked with genuine curiosity, despite his clearly sarcastic comment that didn't seem to phase her. After all, if there was one person who could match Klaus' witty remarks, that was her.

“That's definitely not what I'm saying. I think you just have to stop ignoring your emotions. Instead of running from what you're feeling, try to let it sink in. Allow yourself to feel” She explained.

“That sounds like something sober me cannot handle” Klaus replied dismissively, trying to hide the spark of fear that lit up inside him at the prospect of having to face his demons once again but this time without the numbness drugs offered.

“Sober you is much stronger than you think, Klaus. Don't forget he got us through the damn apocalypse. However, if you're not comfortable with this you don't have to do this, it's just a theory” The way she looked at him was so intense and without even noticing she extended her arm towards him, reaching out to hold his hand but retreating the moment she realized it. Seeing him doubt himself like this pained her every time and she constantly tried to show him how much she believed in him hoping that one day she could get him to believe in himself.

For a moment his eyes flickered at the movement of her hand as he understood what she had in mind. His first instinct was to reach for her, but he fought against it, sparing himself the heart wrenching disappointment of being unable to get what he so desperately needed. Her words were enough to shake him to the core, proving once again the insane trust she had in him, a trust he felt he didn't deserve but at the same time made a warm feeling flush in his chest. He knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for her and the thought of letting her down was unbearable.

“Oh, screw it” He exclaimed taking a deep breath “It's not like I haven't been through worse. Okay how do I do this?”

“I'm not sure. Try to think of a moment or a person that's tied to intense feelings, positive ones preferably, and focus on those feelings, use them as a source of power. Maybe closing your eyes could help” She suggested, impressed they had even gotten this far. Klaus was a very closed off person when it came to emotions, always trying to suppress whatever he was feeling and knowing all that he's been through she couldn't blame him.

He got up and after taking another deep breath he closed his eyes. At first the only thing he could perceive was the voices of the dead calling to him, but he managed to push them away as he brought her picture in mind. In the beginning he imagined her warm smile and vibrating laugh that usually followed one of his sarcastic remarks, sending shivers down his spine and making him feel proud of himself.

Then he turned to the day she had helped him calm down after yet another one of his hellish nightmares. He could still feel her feathery soft touch on his shoulders as she hugged him close and whispered words of encouragement in his ear. That night, and all the rest that followed, she had been his anchor and he hung onto her as tightly as he could. He could never forget the way she had looked at him as she promised he wouldn't have to be alone any more.

Finally, following her directions, he focused on everything she made him feel. He brought in mind all those times his heart would skip a beat at the sight of her and the unprecedented longing he felt nestle in his chest and threaten to suffocate him with every passing day he had to endure without her touch. There was pure affection and burning passion, all swirling around his head and for the first time he gave in, allowing them to consume him.

The feeling of her fingertips softly tracing his cheek made him open his eyes. She was standing in front of him, a wide smile on her lips as she gently caressed the side of his face and his breath caught at his throat the moment his eyes met hers.

“It worked” He exclaimed breathlessly, leaning into her touch as a small sigh escaped his lips. Slowly he brought his hand up to grasp hers and lower them back down between them after pressing a fleeting kiss on her palm that made her whole body shudder.

“I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you” She beamed at him and softly squeezed his hand. It had been so long since the last time she had been able to feel him that every touch felt electrifying, sending chills down her spine.

For a moment they stayed like that, staring deep into each other's eyes and it took everything she had not to jump into his arms. She wanted more than anything to pull him close and feel the warmth of his body against hers, but she was afraid to push him too far, knowing he didn't have complete control over this new power yet.

The same thought was torturing him, but being his reckless self he decided he couldn't hold back any longer. His hand left hers and rose to caress her cheek as his fingertips shakingly traced her jaw. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, but his throat suddenly felt dry and he couldn't find the right words, or any words, to express how deep his emotions run.

“Can I- Can I kiss you?” He asked hoarsely, terrified time would run out on them. Time seemed to freeze as she turned to look at him with wide eyes, finding herself in a loss of words. Instead, she let her eyes flutter close as she leaned in with tantalizingly slow movements, until their faces were inches apart and his hot breath was hitting her. His lips parted in desire and his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest as her hands traveled from his biceps to his shoulders and then wrapped around his neck.

“What are you waiting for?” She whispered against his lips and that was all he needed to hear. Almost instinctively, his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest right before his lips crashed into hers. His eyes shut in bliss as he felt her tangle her fingers in his hair only to hold him closer.

At first the kiss was slow and sensual as they explored each other, but it didn’t take long until desperation got the best of them and soon enough their movements became needy and feverish. She nipped on his lower lip and Klaus couldn't help the groan that escaped him as he melted under her touch. One of his hands found its way on the back of her neck and he decided to deepen the kiss. He tasted like nicotine and was just as addictive making her feel like she could never let him go. Her skin seemed to light on fire under the slightest of his touch and the way his soft lips were moving against her felt like heaven.

Klaus could feel control slipping away from him with every passing moment and he surrendered to her touch, unaware of the stream of blue light that had almost encircled the two of them. When the lack of oxygen became too much she hesitantly pulled away without leaving his embrace. Looking at him through half-lidded eyes, she could see the affectionate and dared she say loving look he was giving her, sending a shiver down her spine. He looked disheveled with an adorable smile gracing his swollen lips and she couldn’t help reciprocating the action as she continued playing with his curly locks.

"I think I'm in love with you"

To be continued...

Tags: @twigleektribute23 💘💘

A/n: Y’all can always message me if you wish to be tagged in anything specific (fic or character or whatev), it always brightens my day!

#tua #tua klaus #the umbrella academy #tua imagine #tua x reader #the umbrella academy imagine #klaus hargreeves #klaus hargreeves x reader #klaus hargreeves x you #klaus hargreeves imagine

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kingofthewilderwest · 4 years ago

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This hasn’t been a good year for me first I was stalked then I lost someone who I thought was a friend because my mental health issues caused me to impulsively lash out at people I been apologizing and apologizing they refuse to listen to me all they told me was get outside help. The thing is I was there for them when they needed me but when I needed them they abandon me I am autistic and have trouble regulating my emotions I explained that to them when they told me that I keep lashing out at people even after I apologize for it. :( what should I do? Should I just just keep spamming how sorry I am and that I will keep my mouth shut and not lash out at people anymore I just want them to like me again I don’t like lashing out at people I have no control over that why can’t they understand? How many times do I need to cry in their inbox until they realize how sorry I am and that this time I won’t lash out impulsively.

Hello, friend. <3 I'm really sorry for the struggle and pain you are going through. That's tough. My heart reaches out for you. I was in an extremely similar experience once (I'll talk about the experience and results below), so I both care about your situation, and I hope my message can help you with your choices moving forward. My phrasing might sound blunt, but every word is written with love, and I will give comfort through the end, so bear with me. Sorry that I suck at brief. XD

From the way you’ve described your situation, you’ve already been messaging friend(s) repeatedly explaining your actions, giving apologies, etc. My answer is under the assumption you’ve been sending repeated messages. Here’s the unfortunate kicker.

You need to stop messaging them. Period.

If you want them to feel better and feel better about you, you need to give them space for a decently long period of time without breaking that silence once, it doesn’t matter if your desired topic is helpfully explaining how you tick, apologizing, or talking about something entirely unrelated to the drama.

I know that's probably the hardest thing to do. I know for me, when I was in a situation like this, every fiber of my being *SCREAMED* at me to try to make things right by messaging again. I was so terrified I couldn’t leave it alone. I understand how scary it can be for someone to not listen to your apology. I understand the drive to get someone to understand your circumstance for why you messed up. I understand the overpowering pressure of guilt for having done something wrong and the itch to keep acting until I make it right. But you can't make it right by messaging someone repeatedly.

While your intent is reparation, your result is harassment. I'm so sorry to say this, but if you’re messaging like that, you are continuing to inflict pain and make matters worse because your constant messaging gives them no relief. It’s like constantly picking a scab to make it bleed again rather than letting it heal without touching it. If you pick that scab too much, you’ll lose more blood and you’ll get a scar. Lots of people, after being hurt, need time to process their emotions before they can be comfortable resuming a chill conversation. So long as you keep acting like this, they aren't going to want to listen to you, and your actions are going to make them wish they weren't around you. They’ll see you in a worse light because if you can’t give them time and space to heal themselves and you can’t stop fixating on past events, then they see that you’re not handling the situation well.

Now. If you do talk to them again, after that *LONG* break, there are several things you have to do. Ask if it’s okay to talk first and be clear it’ll be a one-time event. Be rational, be calm, be objective, accept responsibility for yourself without trashing yourself or sounding desperate for their response, and make sure you acknowledge their feelings and experiences as much as your own. Accept responsibility for yourself in your words. Make sure you listen to them, too, and respect their thoughts.

I know that’s hard to do. I can get scared, tongue-tied, and emotional in conversations like this. The way I get around that is writing down what I’m going to say beforehand. That way, I can spend several days carefully tweaking my words so they’re optimally diplomatic (and have someone else check me if I need a second perspective). Now I have a script I can follow that can prevent me from tumbling into babbling emotion. “I’m sorry, I’ll keep my mouth shut, I just want you to like me again” will turn more people away, unfortunately. People don’t trust that because it sounds like you don’t have control of yourself, which makes them think more bad things could happen. Level-headed but kind discussion of the issue is essential; it shows you are *capable* of handling the situation. Showing capability helps engender trust. Also, please make it clear to your friend(s) that once this convo is done, the goal is to move on.

Note that your friend can say “no” if you ask to talk. And that’s okay. If they say “no,” leave it at “no,” and don’t try to get a “yes.” Your friend can still say “no” to points you make during your conversation. Those aren’t the words you want to hear but you have to accept them if they come. Stay humble. Do not try to get them to fully be in sync with you because that may be impossible and only hurt everyone more. All you can do is present yourself at your best; after that, it is their choice how they respond, and their responses must be accepted. If they are bitches, that’s on them, and you’re better off not being friends with shitty-ass uncaring bitches. If they choose not to be friends with you for understandable reasons, it hurts, but it’s valid; we do not have to be friends with every person we meet, even if they’re cool. And if they choose to forgive you, which they could too, then you guys have a basis to move forward again without reopening cans of worms. I do want to reassure you: I’ve had plenty of conversations like this go well and friendships get repaired. <3 It can be done.

Now. You said you feel your friends aren’t helping you at your time of need. I understand the pain of supporting a friend but the friend doesn’t reciprocate at the time I need them most. This was hard for me to learn, but: a friend is not obligated to help you. Yes, good friends will help when they can. Yes, if you’re only helping them and they’re nevvvvvvver helping you, that’s a one-sided relationship and that’s a bust. But healthy relationships also have boundaries and “no”s. It’s not a contractual obligation to help a friend through everything. Plus, not everyone has the skillset to help you for every need. Friends who are not used to neurodivergence might not know how to handle neurodivergent-specific challenges (that’s what I’ve experienced with my own support networks). You can explain it and hopefully they’ll get better about understanding how you tick, though. There’s even types of friends who understand how you tick but still not want to be around it, and sometimes that’s because they have to protect their own health. They can understand you lash out but still need to leave to heal themselves because lashing out hurts them, and they don’t have the energy or emotions to help or listen to you right after. They have enough on their plate trying to keep themselves going without assisting someone else too. Those things can happen. You may find out what type of friends yours are later.

And I know it’s really hard to regulate emotions... I’m saying this as someone who had extreme issues regulating my emotions due to neurodivergence and mental illness, albeit of different kinds... but ultimately mental health is an explanation, not an excuse, and you are still responsible for the results when you are cognizant enough to act well enough. You are valid for being autistic and that is not a problem, that is who you are period, and if they don’t respect that, that’s their issue. Explaining why you act like you do is a first step. It’s good to communicate and I think it’s good you want to your friends to know why it’s hard. But you do have to work at getting better with your treatment of people, too. Sometimes we do things outside of our control. Sometimes these will never be in our control. But some things will be in our control. Part of our responsibility as a friend is to not just admit we hurt someone in the past when we’re at our worst and least controllable, but make an effort, as we can, to prevent these things in the future, as we can. Figure out prevention tactics. Figure out ways your friends can be equipped and prepared if something happens. Find professionals who can help you with emotional regulation. And so forth.

Your friends do have a point about getting outside help. I love supporting my friends and helping them through emotionally dark times, but sometimes a friend’s mental health struggles are out of my abilities and I can’t be expected to be the one to handle it. I cannot help my friend with heart surgery because I am not a heart surgeon; likewise, sometimes I can’t help my friends with mental illness ailments because I am not a professional psychologist. If it is within your budget, this may be a valuable resource for you that will help you, your friends, and more.

If you’re anything like I was, what I said may make you want to go into another round of apologizing, but before you do that (you shouldn't! you can't!!!!), I want to explain what happened to me. This involves me talking about the worst period of my life, the worst mistakes I ever made, and the worst legacy I'll have to contend with. I haven't talked about it on tumblr because I haven't wanted people to misread me or judge me, but the truth is, those old mistakes are a defining characteristic of my everyday life because of how thoroughly I fucked up and hurt someone else by my desire to "make things right."

I was eighteen and sharing a dorm room with my high school significant other. We broke up several months into the school year. At first things were okay, but then our friendship started to slide. We both did foolish things and wrongdoings against each other. The result was my ex needed breathing space to heal, whereas I felt I needed to heal by coming closer to them. As you can see, these are opposites, and it... didn’t work. It resulted in me pestering them and them wanting to get further from me.

I was also suicidal at the time. I had undiagnosed ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria and maybe more, and all that put me in the worst psychological state of my life. My emotions were more powerful than I could control. I had no coping mechanisms yet. My diary entries sometimes don’t sound... sane... from that time period. Being suicidal, I begged my ex for help, and my ex said “no”. My ex was rude and cold (understandable... hard to be polite when you’re stressed), but still, she had a right to say “no.” No one is obligated to do anything, but I was extremely emotional at her denial. Terrified for my life, I tried telling my ex that I had helped HER through HER problems when SHE was depressed, why the fuck wouldn’t she help me with my low point? I felt like she abandoned me and I told her so. I was intending to suggest she was breaking a promise and being an uncaring, unfaithful friend... but my words came out sounding like I was guilt tripping. My friend felt emotionally abused, forced into a situation where someone was threatening their life if she didn’t do what I said.

That’s a lot of pressure on someone, a roommate screaming at her that she had to do X or someone would die. It’s a cruel thing to shove someone into. I did that. I did it accidentally, my only intentions were making amends and saving my life, but I’m still 200% responsible for the results. It destroyed her psychologically, and ten years later, I don’t think she’s fully recovered.

When I recovered from the worst of my mental illness lapse, I felt sick to my stomach about how much my emotional responses harmed her. Thus began my rounds of apologizing. At first she coldly “tolerated” it, but I couldn’t leave it alone because it didn’t feel like closure. She outright told me she would never forgive me and that made me more desperate. About once every six months for the next three years, I tried talking to her. She felt harassed. She increasingly hated me. Soon, she thought I was stalking her, and sent the start of what could’ve become legal action against me. One time, I tried talking to her about something entirely unrelated (I was trying to save a friend who was having panic attacks and my ex was unknowingly responsible for the panic attacks), I panicked, I grabbed her arm, she threatened to call the police on me, had the teacher drive her home from class, and the next thing I knew, we were both in the university’s Office of Student Conduct. Oof.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For the rest of my life, I will have to contend with the fact I fucked up the person I loved the most, and that the best thing I could ever do to help her was... to... leave... her... be.

If I had let my friend breathe after my first apology, if I had given my friend space to process through her hurt emotions until she no longer felt hurt, we might have been able to rekindle a friendship. But I never gave her the time to heal. I never respected her “no, stop talking to me.” My apologies were intended to make her feel better because I knew I was hurting her, my apologies were intending to say “I’ll never hurt you again!” But instead I kept digging a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper hole.

I realize this is a dismal story. I don’t want to scare you. I want you to read this private story of my pained heart to understand what happens when I let desperation do all the talking. I want to share it to show how much I care for your situation. And I want you to understand that... after I learned taking a step back... I had radically better results with the friends I got into conflicts with. It took a ton of effort and work to retrain my conduct, but it worked, and I’ve found stabler and happier and relatively drama-free relationships. And if I fuck up for some reason mental-health-wise, it’s usually a single conversation and done to get us back on track.

I fuck up, but I’ll never fuck up like that again, never ever EVER, nowhere CLOSE. And that’s a... happy ending in its own right, yeah?

I do believe in you. I believe that not every story has to end like the one between my ex and me. I want to give you that hope. I believe you have a good heart and you definitely want things better. You wouldn’t have messaged me (and I believe... others... on tumblr?) if this didn’t matter to you. And anyone who wants to do something about a problem has the starting kernel of Betterness happening. I believe you can find more peace. Maybe it won’t come right away and maybe there’ll be rocky points, but life can become better, relationships can become better. There are ways, even with mental health struggles, to find that comfortable equilibrium again.

I wish you the best, friend. Take care. <3 Rooting for you. I apologize if any of my words ended up coming out wrong accidentally. I really do hope you find some relief in this situation. <3

#long post #ask #ask me #non-dragons #don't mind me

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harlotofandraste · 4 years ago

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I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

#anti psychiatry #anti psych #antipsych #mental health industrial complex #long post #tw #cw

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spursnroses · 4 years ago

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So I’m still trying to process what happened last night. I need to write it out because I have no one nor place for it. First, I am going to warn you that this post will contain triggers such as mental illness, suicidal ideations/suicide that involves a family member, violent threats/verbal abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, and family death. Please do not read if you cannot handle such heavy content.

Last night my mother ended up drinking quite a bit, and we got into a fight.

She threw a temper tantrum for a very stupid reason - her phone died and her only phone charger was too short because over a couple of weeks ago my cat chewed up her other one which she left out despite knowing about his chewing habits by the way. She ranted about wanting to kill my cat/wishing he would die. She then threatened to take my phone and break it, so she made several attempts to grab it from me, but I refused. It turned into a wrestling match - I tried shoving her off me.

Of course, I grew upset. I kept telling her to stop or that she was making me angry. She wouldn’t listen. She deliberately kept me from going into my room so I could remove myself from the situation. I finally gave up and pushed my phone into her chest: “You want my phone so damn bad. Here you go.” I walked past her into the bathroom to wash off the blood from the scratch she gave me in the process. This made her angrier and shoved my phone back into my jacket’s pocket violently and tried to rip my jacket. She started to mock me for being hurt. She deflected by making claims that she was just playing around and that I always treat her she was such a horrible person and mother. That she’s an abuser. That I should go live with my “father” who never had anything to do with me in my entire life.

I tried to defuse the situation once again by trying to console her because I already felt tired by this point. I brought her a cup of water then she went to bed hoping she’ll just sleep it off. I was wrong.

She came back out and rummaged through the kitchen’s drawers. I pleaded with my mother from killing herself for however many times. She first cut her arm and her leg. She stood there in the kitchen with a knife to her throat. Eventually, I was able to calm her down. When she returned to her room, I immediately hid all the objects she could hurt herself with and she finally went to sleep. For many years, ever since I was a child, I lived with a severely mentally ill and single parent. My youngest memory of her mental illness remains fresh in my mind - I would be six years old and get up in the mornings to make breakfast and wandered outside alone while she still slept in bed almost all day. I found myself terrified by her violent outbursts or meltdowns - I would lie through my teeth to avoid her anger - sometimes I still am terrified. She depended on me a lot for emotional support despite being a child; wanting to be the best daughter, of course, I did whatever I could to make her happy. People would constantly compliment me on how mature I was for a young girl. I used to be highly sensitive during my early childhood - I would cry at the simplest “no” - but I think it had a lot to do with emotional neglect. As I grew older, I detached myself from emotions. Today I still struggle with expressing how I feel.

I carry a lot of trauma from life - my mother, though most of it is unintentional, emotionally manipulated and abused me for who knows how long and her past boyfriend who sexually abused me when I was five and six years old. Growing up deaf came with no easy tasks too. I already knew I was different from other kids when I walked on the playground with no friends. I experienced constant fatigue and anxiety.

Recently, I lost both of my grandparents who helped to raise me; they were my biggest support system. In 2015, my grandma unexpectedly grew ill and passed away on my birthday. My grandpa had early-onset dementia, and it was awful and stressful. He eventually succumbed to his bodily ailments in 2019. I watched and said my final goodbyes to both of them on their deathbeds. That’s when the drinking escalated especially since my grandma died. Alcoholism runs deep in my family. My grandpa, unfortunately, drank, his brother and sister also drank to themselves to death, and now my mother and aunt drink heavily.

When my mother drinks, she binges to the point she rages or blackouts. She has called in sick to work multiple times before because she’s so hungover. 50/50 of the time when she’s drunk, she’ll start picking fights with me. On a few occasions, it has become physical such as blocking my path or cornering me but most of the time it evolves into name-calling, berating, and guilt-tripping. She often breaks things when she goes into a white-hot rage. There are dents on the walls of the bathroom. A few weeks ago, she shattered one of my grandma’s possessions. She once ripped the front door off its hinges which I later fixed. She sometimes brings strange men to the house, and last year, one of them crawled into my bed naked and grabbed my wrist waking me up. It scared me so badly. Thankfully he didn’t do anything to me because I jerked away and asked, “What are you doing?” and he left my room. I woke my mom up and had him leave. My mother still had the gall to say I was just dreaming it. After that incident, I installed a lock on my door and sleep with a tazer under my pillow.

I have accepted at this point in life it is out of my control. I can’t stop her from drinking. I can’t force her to seek treatment.

She always had a poor temper and suicidal tendencies though. It just intensified with alcohol. One time she took a bunch of pills with vodka and fell in the shower mostly unresponsive. I called my aunt for help, and she came over; so did the paramedics. She spent a few days in an institution for observation and treatment, but that never really helped her. This was not her first episode; she ended up there a few times - over a year ago her former counselor called the police on her and they came to the house. One of the policemen found the pill bottle with my name on it and accused me of giving my mother the bottle though this situation was beyond my control. She ended up at the hospital then transferred to the institution for suicide watch. She never became the better for it. She refuses and claims nothing ever helps her. Lately, I have been trying to distance myself from my mother. It’s difficult to set boundaries because she constantly crosses them. I have grown to become very angry and resentful especially towards her. My mother is extremely emotionally enmeshed. She depends on me for emotional support, but after so many years, it is starting to wear me down. I no longer want to feel responsible for her emotions. I honestly have no support system in place. I don’t have any close friends to talk about what I’ve been going through. My aunt is clueless about what goes on at home, and I don’t intend to tell her about it because I know it just would cause more problems. Sometimes, I just want to scream, kick, and cry. My life can be literal purgatory. I feel very trapped. I want so badly for something or someone to whisk me away from this life. It amazes me that I don’t act as fucked up as I truly am.

#i feel a lot better after writing this #thank you if you read this i just needed the space to pour this incoherent mess of my mind

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justferritalez · 4 years ago

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Don't dim your light babygirl

Don't dim your light babygirl - Chloe Bailey

It's funny how the universe communicates. We are so conditioned to not pay attention. The messages are not always loud, but no less powerful. When we open ourselves to them the world begins to look like a very different place.

I have dimmed my light for more years than I would like to admit. I thought deep down I didn't deserve to be happy. I tried to fight my way through, but when I felt happiness near I would always turn away. I thought if I smiled and laughed one day it would reach the part of my heart that refused to receive love. I saw how much others hurt, I felt it in my own body. How could I allow myself to feel joy when so many people I loved are in pain?

I see so many children in my immediate and extended family in pain. I see their parents in pain. I see that horrible red thread of trauma weaving its way through each generation. Just like the elephant in the room, everyone pretends it's not there. Each generation learns to lash out in a different way, too afraid that on the other side is more pain instead of healing. We learn to dull the pain like a Tylenol with money, cars, clothes, and pretty pictures on Instagram or Facebook. Trying to convince ourselves and the world that we aren't miserable. Some of us are even so afraid that acknowledging our own thoughts is akin to torture.

At the beginning of lockdown in 2020, I thought I would thrive since I'm an introvert. By 2021 I learned that my assumptions of what it meant to thrive was arbitrary. I thought I would finally learn to play the guitar, piano, and finish a considerable amount of books waiting to be read on my bookshelves. Instead I was forced to dive deep into my relationship with religion, with societal expectations, and most importantly my own relationship with myself. The latter of which was most important.

I've always felt a call to something growing up. What it was I didn't know. I always tried to put it into words. I tried to put it into a career or something more tangible for my own human mind to digest. As I grew older, in my own mind I failed to accomplish what I had desired. I became gripped by fear with each year that passed. 30 was the year I told myself I would stop dreaming. I would buckle down. I would work towards the American Dream people always talk about. I'd get a good job, get married, buy a house, and have kids.

Before my 28th birthday came I was so excited for the upcoming year despite 30 looming near. I had a list of places I planned to go and things to do for my special day. Before I knew 28 had arrived. When I got all dressed up I couldn't shake this ominous feeling. Except for the sheer black top I wore I was dressed in all black, as if I was attending a funeral. Something wasn't right and I couldn't figure out what it was then. I may have made it to one or two places before I decided to return home. I was so sad, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I could barely look back at the pictures.

Before 30 came I did manage to accomplish the first two goals of the American Dream. I honored my self-imposed advice and hung up my silly dreams at 30. It was hard but I did what I thought was best to redirect my energy. To this day I always remember a conversation my cousin had with my mom years ago. One that broke my heart. I never forgot how it made me feel. She told my mom she was too old to dream. She was too old to accomplish the things she wanted to. She's 30 years my senior but I still believe if she wanted she could do anything she put her mind to. Yet here I was remembering that feeling and falling into the same mindset.

Since my teens I had always wanted to visit Japan. Especially after my dad passed away when I was 16. Ironically j-pop(and shortly after k-pop) was something that offered me a lifeline during my grief. I had plans to study abroad, but my grief and fear of losing my mother held me back. When 30 came after I had given up on my dreams, this dream unexpectedly came forward. My husband and I planned to celebrate our honeymoon/1st anniversary in Japan. It was amazing! I felt so free and so at home at the same time. We talked about moving there years before, but that's all it ever was. Now that we were there, we knew it really was a possibility. Unfortunately at the end of our trip tragedy struck. Just like it struck us after we got married. And once again just like the day I turned 30 another dream had to be swept away.

I tried my best to convince myself this is just the way the cookie crumbles. Maybe this isn't the life I wanted exactly. So many people would be happy to have this life. I would convince myself to keep my head down and appreciate it. In hindsight I think back and acknowledge you can appreciate something, and still acknowledge that it isn't right for you. What good is a $200 shirt if it doesn't fit?

There were two prominent questions that kept coming up during lockdown. Who are you? What do you want? So simple but terrifying for me to answer. In trying to answer them I realize I never truly asked myself this. No wait I did, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen to the one person who was driving this ship. I listened to the opinions of others. Surely those who have spent more time on earth than me knew what they were talking about. Then I realized they didn't. They were doing the same thing that I had done. They too ignored what they wanted, instead aspiring for the lives their family, friends, and acquaintances told them would make them happy.

For years I always felt these weird emotions in my body. Emotions that were not my own. I could be perfectly fine and walk into a room and feel overwhelmed. I Couldn't figure out why. The room was just filled with people. Why did I care what they thought of me? We all have our own lives to live, right? I begin to realize while acknowledging my own inauthenticity to myself, how so many other people were struggling with the same issue. They couldn't understand why they had the house, the car, the job, the children, and the spouse yet they were still so unhappy.

The truth is happiness cannot be found externally. It can only be found within you. The more you put all your balls in one basket thinking it will make you happy, the more you will be disappointed. If you can't stand the one person who will be with you every moment of your life you will never be happy.

I've always wanted to have kids. I was probably more excited to get married because I couldn't wait to be a mom. For some strange reason after I got married I became afraid to get pregnant. I originally thought it was because my Grammy was sick. After she passed I still couldn't shake that fear. I thought maybe I was just being overly cautious. People with less have had children and thrived in many cases. I was constantly being told that "You can never prepare for children." Still I couldn't shake the fear.

I had two amazing parents growing up. We weren't rich, but they provided for me the best they could. They did a great job, and I'll admit that I was spoiled. I took a look at the traumas I've experienced throughout my life. I looked at the things that triggered me the most. It was myself, it was a younger version of myself. My inner child as some call it. Although I had great parents, outside of them I still was inflicted with trauma even they couldn't prevent. The person that hurt me, and the people who I've seen mistreat children, have a tendency to neglect themselves and their trauma and tend to be obsessed with how things look instead of how they are. I did not want to be that type of person. Realizing that, I became passionate about trying to heal my own trauma, in hope to prevent my own children from inheriting this mindset.

Here is where my story truly begins. It began when I began to acknowledge myself. When I recognized myself, I put my happiness in moving to California, in my husband, in the image of my life. I put my happiness in everything but myself. I still have work to do, but I believe that I am worth it. Every moment I choose myself, I grow and heal my wounded self.

I've begun to release past hurt and trauma that I've experienced. I'm learning that just because people who loved me hurt me in the past, doesn't mean everyone will hurt me. I'm learning to forgive myself for being angry for so long. I'm acknowledging I had every right to be angry, but staying angry was no benefit to me. I'm learning I deserve to say no if I don't want to do something, and I'm not obligated to make anyone happy except myself. People's feelings may be hurt, but I didn't ask them to count on me to make them happy. I'm happy to help others, but I will no longer pour every bit of what is in my cup into another's.

During lockdown my wardrobe got much darker. I wore black almost every day. Although black is an amazing and powerful color, it symbolically felt as if I was mourning myself. I was mourning the part of me that didn't know her worth. I let myself be her for a time, and now I release her. I will gladly put her to rest. I've decided that I won't dim my light for anyone anymore. I won't even dim my light for myself. I will get to a place where I am confidently and unapologetically me. I will shine like the rays of the sun on a hot summer day without a cloud in sight. Just like the world needs the sun, the world needs us all to shine just as bright.

#whoever needs it #be encouraged

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thecuriouskit · 4 years ago

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Where and how do I fit in?

To whom it may concern.

As I get older, I’m starting to realise the limitations caused by my autism, and I’m struggling to accept that because of facing a society that does not like it when adults are not self-sufficient, or when they have to deal with a “man-child”. Economically, I am a net loss - I take more than I give financially, and that makes me selfish, both in the eyes of the person on the street as well as bankers and politicians. I struggle to keep my flat clean and make ends meet financially. “Get a job”, “earn a f***ing living” I hear a lot, and I have tried, but my ‘design’ is just terrible because I’m very introverted (and people try to force me into very social situations to be a 'healthy introvert’… in other words, an extravert) and don’t do well in open-plan office environments, which are really the only options today because it allows managers to keep an eye on everyone and, from a practical perspective, is easier when it comes to laying network cables and power conduits, for example. But I get very anxious whenever people are walking around behind me and there’s so much uncontained noise.

Truthfully, I’ve found in the UK, and maybe other countries, that many people really don’t like those who are more intelligent than them. They may say the opposite, but behind their backs (or sometimes in plain sight), they mock specialist interests. Once I was even threatened with outright violence by a so-called friend if I talked about mathematics in front of her, and my own mother agrees that i keep my mouth shut to preserve the status quo and not make people 'uncomfortable’. My father says those on the spectrum are the future, but are we really? To reach our full potential we need the right environment and support group, but who would want to be our caretakers? It’s not fair on them, and I would not want someone to sacrifice their life to look after me like they were a housewife, valet or a servant.

I’m ashamed to say that I generally don’t get on with others on the spectrum because we all have our different interests and quirks, but also our feelings and how we react to things, and what may be fine or beneficial for one person is sensual overload for another. I unfortunately have also experienced situations where the other party doesn’t realise and doesn’t understand that they might have hurt my feelings with something they’ve said or done, and either 'congratulate’ me for identifying past trauma as the reason (which I find incredibly patronising as well as the implication that it invalidates my feelings) or criticise me because, in their eyes, there’s no logical reason for me to feel that way. One person even, in a monotone voice, said “You’re having a panic attack; do you want a beta blocker?” (which was actually illegally obtained). I of course sceamed “no”, which only worsened the situation because now they felt attacked.

As painful as it is, what I once saw as a curse, then saw as a gift, I now see as a curse again. I cannot survive by myself in this modern world, but I’m not friendship nor relationship material because, put simply, I make people uncomfortable and I’m not healthy for them (those were the words one person used). Facebook and other social media tell people to cut out the negativity in their lives, and I fall into that definition. My interests, my quirks… they are abnormal. The whole thing of “be yourself” and “don’t worry about what others think” is a complete farce, because you do that, and you get sectioned, fired, ostracised or just plain ridiculed.

Part of me needs a regimented structure and a person who can be an emotional anchor for me, but even today, emotion is seen as weakness and attention-seeking, but I don’t need so much structure to the point that my very feelings are dictated and I can’t practise being creative (one person I know cannot build Lego without instructions… even when it comes to making their own things, they have to draw plans first and cannot do anything on the fly, which can cause a conflict if I want to experiment, for example).

In a way, I need to be treated like a child, or at least allowed to be a child, but I say that and that will just encourage condescending attitudes towards me and infantilisation like the in-your-face sing-song “hello” or a high-pitched voice that people do with babies all too frequently.

I don’t konw where I’m going with this. I’m just ranting and splurging, spilling out everything that’s on my mind. On Monday I was actually close to suicide because I was asked to drive to my father, who lives about 45 minutes away, and even though I gave myself 70 minutes, I was very late anyway (which meant I couldn’t see a representitive at an insurance company since I’m being ripped off by my current provider) bnecause of three separate traffic jams, one of which was caused by a horserace that crosses a main road (which is closed during that time). I just feel I’m unreliable and poor at planning and organiseation because whenever someone asks me to do something, I either forget something (if not the appointment itself) or fate works against me. My father has taken the view of “it is what it is”, but I cannot abide by that because while accepting there are some things in life you can’t control or predict, just accepting things as they are is what allows corruption to run rampant, whether it’s a manager or director denying the employees promised bonuses during a good company year while buying themselves a new Porsche with the profits, to insurance companies happily charging you three times what you should be paying because they know most people won’t shop around for other quotes or want to go through the hassle of changing (and I easily freak out on the telephone because it’s just a dismembered voice to me) to simply lying and manipulating people for their own benefit. It’s worse with me because I can’t see deceit unless it’s a claim that’s easily disproven. I briefly wanted to end it all because I am a net loss to the economy, I’m friendless and I can’t be relied on. If I die, I’ll be forgotten in a few years as the world goes on like I never existed. It begs the question… what’s the point? I’m not allowed to just live because of monetary concerns and 'considering other people’. Right now, I just survive.

I’m not sure what I need and what I should change about myself. All I know is that trying to fight against my true self just ends up destroying me. I may want to be neurotypical and more extraverted, but I can’t just become those, and “not wanting it enough” doesn’t work in this case because you’re constantly fighting yourself, draining yourself of energy and spoons, and sooner or later, you’ll melt down, and then the police get called and you’re taken to hospital, while neighbours or whoever witnesses the meltdown will ensure you can’t bother them again by collaborating to get you evicted, dismissed from work because you’re creating a 'hostile work environment’ or 'threatening violence’ (I was sacked for that once when I tried to warn people not to manhandle me during a particularly triggering confrontation because then I don’t know what I’ll do… and this was from a company that was meant to specialise in autism).

Where’s the line drawn? When should those on the spectrum learn to adapt to and tolerate, and when should society change for them? When should I be expected to meet the standards and when should the standards change? I don’t have the answer, and through a mixture of my own actions and those of others, I am very much alone where I live… no true friends, no emotional anchor, no personal interaction, nothing (even if I’m in a city around many people, I still feel alone). I’m scared of joining clubs because of past experience with meltdowns and expecting to meet up at set times when my own sleep cycle is chaotic, or I may just not have the energy to go but I’m expected to. Also, one club became psychologically abusive for me, but once again, past trauma that invalidates how I feel.

Speaking of how I feel, I do wish I was more like Mr. Spock where everything is pure logic and I don’t feel anything, but then again, Vulcans and half-Vulcans DO feel, and I just don’t have the strength to suppress my emotions=. Where does that leave me? A group home with no freedom or autonomy? Evidently I can’t hold down a job, and I’ve been out of work forso long that I’ve had employment agents pretty much tell me to stop wasting their time, becaase no company is going to risk paying a finder’s fee for me no matter how good my skills are (albeit very niche nowadays).

The thing is, when somoene enters my house to offer help cleaning it or go through my financial statements to identify unnecessary expenditures, or just go through my stuff in general, I feel violated and incredibly anxious, but I feel I have no right to protest or resist. Besides, as my mother keeps saying… if you’re doing nothing wrong, what have you got to hide? The fear of being judged (and the consequences of that) or the right to privacy don’t seem to be valid answers.

What do I need? I don’t know… sometimes I just want a mother figure, but my actual mother is not an option. What do I want? I want to be useful. I want to belong. I want to be myself. I want to be… free.

#a kit's life #autism #rant

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life-as-an-evolving-journey · 5 years ago

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Sexual Abuse in Marriage

We’ll start hard and heavy, because this is the easiest way to weed out those who cannot handle certain topics, and that is ok. This story will include abortion and, you guessed it, sexual abuse. It is not an easy read for those who have experienced any kind of abuse, so TRIGGER WARNING. Prep yourself, get yourself in the right mood before reading this in its entirety.

I want to preface this conversation by reminding everyone that abuse is seen on both sides of the gender lines, so as I use my gender terms (so unnecessary), please do not believe that this situation could only happen to a woman. I also want you to understand that any anger I once felt towards my x-husband has subsided into more of an indifference at this point, and there is no need for nasty comments towards him or myself. We all do the best that we can with the tools we had at the time. I will do my best to explain the circumstances from both angles as much as I can, but it is not possible to have every bit of information for his side since I have never spoken with him about this situation.

This is a long one, and I tend to ramble, so please forgive me for the length in advance.

In May of 2013, my x-husband and I decided, mutually, to have an abortion when I got pregnant unexpectedly. In the long run, it was the right decision, but in the moment it did not feel like it. See, I used to be a strong pro-life advocate, with a keen sense of why women should not have abortions. So, having an abortion myself seemed a little bit like nonsense to me, but I agreed to it because my opinions were changing, and it genuinely felt like the right thing to do. My past belief system was not as accepting. In the beginnings of my journey after my abortion, I had to find a way to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, not for myself, but for the people who would have been most impacted by us having another child. That would have been my x-Mother-in-law at the time, as she watched our child while we worked. Between her husband’s business, and my first child, she had a lot on her plate, and weighing her down with helping us with another child would have been difficult for her. So I built this foundation to move forward based on that premise and that premise alone: It would have been hard for her. Then in August that year, her husband quit his private practice and suddenly she had a lot of extra free time. Free time that would not have complicated her life if we had asked her to help care for our toddler, and this potential newborn that we would have had. This completely crumbled the foundation I had built for myself.

Why is this important to the topic of sexual abuse in a marriage? Well, let me explain. After my abortion I was so frightened at the thought of having sex again because I did not want to get pregnant again and be forced to make the same decision. So I avoided it at all costs. This left my x-husband feeling lonely and dissatisfied. At the same time I felt like he was distant and cold when it came to talking about my emotions regarding my abortion. So once my foundation crumbled,I felt I could not “bother” him with my problems, so I built a new foundation based on the worst things possible. I convinced myself that I had murdered my child, that I was undeserving of any kind of love from anyone because I was a murderer. I would have nightmares constantly about different ways I had murdered my potential child, I would fall down in the middle of public spaces when I would hear a baby crying. My legs would just suddenly decide to stop working entirely, and I would fall. (That’s a sign of shock caused by trauma, as I would later learn.) This sequence of thoughts started soon after my previous foundation had crumbled, so around August. By October I had decided that I could not do it on my own anymore, and I went to the one person I believed I could trust whole-heartedly, to create a safe judgement-free zone for me, my x-husband. Well, you can guess that is not what he created, hence the x before husband. I told him about my troubles, and all he had to say was “you need to get over it, and see a therapist” Now, mind you, he is sexually pent up and feeling frustrated towards me because of it, and it is probably what caused him to respond that way. This, however, should not excuse his next response to his vulnerable, emotionally unstable wife.

Well, you stuck around with me this far. This is where it gets difficult for me to even type about. About two weeks after his cold response to my troubles, he comes to me requesting, nay demanding, sex. He says “I need it, I deserve it. Think about all of the sacrifices I ever made for you.” (Last statement is another story for a different time.) Lording my past mistakes over me like I owed him for the sacrifices he willingly chose to make. Dear, that is where sacrifice becomes debt, not sacrifice. But this, this is what he says to me. I respond with “no, I’m sorry, I’m just not ready yet.” through a river of tears as I feel awful that I am leaving him out to dry sexually. Instead of leaving it where it lies, he continually pesters me 3 or 4 times a day for the next week. Same argument, same response. He is relentless, and I feel trapped in a corner. If I don’t give it to him he will never leave me alone on the topic, never. So the, approximately, 21st to 28th time he asked, I agreed to it. To cope in the middle of it, I disconnected myself entirely from the situation, basically numbing myself, and thought about my dead child the entire time. He finished what he was doing, went back to playing his video games, and I cried myself to sleep on that lonely bedroom floor. I woke up feeling different, but not knowing what it was exactly, because in my head, at the time, it was not sexual abuse. He was justified in asking for it, and I had agreed. Little life lesson, that does not mean it was not sexual abuse. A partner emotionally manipulating you into giving them something they want that you do not that oversteps a personal boundary, ESPECIALLY a sexual boundary (something very sacred in a marriage), should always be respected, period. That is what makes this sexual abuse,because he did not respect my boundary. What makes this far worse, is that Physical Touch is my secondary love language, behind Quality Time, and this hit deeper than I could ever explain. It has affected my life in numerous ways. I, to this day, have difficulty trusting straight men because I am so frightened that they are staring at me sexually. They don’t even have to act on it, they just need to be staring at me that way. I no longer want to feel pretty, because that would only entice a man. I haven’t had the pleasure (dripping sarcasm) to be in the same room alone with my x-husband since we got divorced in 2016, but when I think about it i tense up in ways I wish I didn’t have to experience.

This instance, unfortunately, was not an isolated incident for the two of us. I began to see him differently, in ways I did not entirely understand back then. I started to feel ashamed of my body around him. I wanted to hide it so he could never touch it again. I explained this to myself by saying that I was just protecting myself from getting pregnant again. It’s not him that is the problem, it is sex. So he responded to getting sex from me using the same emotional manipulation tactic for the next 3 years before I left him. He would also get me drunk to get me to do things that I wouldn’t normally do. I only know this because he openly admitted that to me once.Sex eventually became a scheduled event for us. I attempted to compromise with him, but his version to compromise was to have sex 4 times a week, and it was unreasonable, but he refused any other offer. He said that I just need to do that for him for a couple of weeks, and then he would be satisfied for a while, but never defined how long “a while” was. Even after I left him, about 2 weeks later, I agreed to meet him at Starbucks. He got the wrong impression about why I agreed to it, and once he realized that, he changed the topic immediately to getting sex from me one last time using the same emotional manipulation tactic statement I mentioned before. Thus proving to me that there was no limit for him when it came to crossing my boundary expectations on sex. During all of this I eventually convinced myself that I could never do anything correctly, and I would never amount to anything special. This type of thinking is what made me excuse a lot of his abuse over the years.

To sum all of this up, I wouldn’t post something so personal so publicly if I did not think that telling my story wouldn’t help someone on their own personal journey with something similar. You are not alone if you are sexually abused by your partner. Marriage does not make sex obligatory or a requirement, and never let someone convince you otherwise.

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mbti-notes · 6 years ago

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I wanted to know, please, if the time we ~spend~ being in the grip is a waste? beacuse I have to be honest it's been 4 yers since I've started to develop my aux and I have been failing since I've started, I already sent you a lot of texts and you r always telling me that I am not getting it right to develop my aux. I wanted to know if it`s normal to take that long/ to fail again and again AND for the love of god, what can I do to accelarate? What can I do to spped up he process? thank you! enfp

It seems that you don’t understand the process of function development. If you frequently suffer from inferior grip, then your dominant function is quite unhealthy, which makes it next to impossible to develop your auxiliary function. When Ne is unhealthy to extremes, you aren’t able to explore ideas and possibilities with an open and objective mind, thus you aren’t able to envision positive paths forward. And how can Fi-aux make good judgments/choices when there are no good options available other than desperation or pessimism? You are in self-pity rather than examining your problem, so there’s not much I can say. It sounds like you’re unhappy, and instead of facing up to that unhappiness and making the appropriate changes, you keep trying to ignore, suppress, or sidestep it, which only makes it worse over time. This is the opposite of Fi development.

WRT self-development, learning well requires:

1) knowing the proper way of doing things: Do you know and respect the proper process/procedure of achieving a goal (Si)? Do you follow instructions well (Si)? Do you think that things should always be easy if you just “believe” hard enough (unhealthy Ne)? Do you think that the rules of success shouldn’t apply to you because you always convince yourself that you know what’s best despite no evidence that you do (delusional Ne-Te)? Are you impatient and believe that you can take shortcuts or skirt the rules without suffering negative consequences (Te loop)? Do you pursue success for the right reasons, or do you merely want it to distract from self-loathing (Te loop)? Do you take care of your health (Si) and give yourself the work-leisure balance needed for maintaining your energy and motivation levels (Fi)? Do you have effective methods of managing the stress of challenging work or do you always push yourself too hard (Fi-Te)?

2) making mistakes and learning from them: Do you assess your mistakes honestly and directly, to discover the actual cause of what went wrong (Te)? Are you willing to completely change your attitude and approach when it obviously gets you bad results (Te)? Do you respect the hurt that you’ve experienced from past mistakes and use the memory of it to guide your decision making towards better health and well-being (Fi-Si)? Are you willing to make difficult choices and exercise self-control in resisting temptations whenever it is necessary to protect your well-being (Fi-Si)? Do you waste time whining, blaming, rehashing, ruminating, or beating yourself up for failing rather than simply feeling your hurt, licking your wounds, learning the lesson, and moving on (Si grip)? Do you make excuses for failure or bad decision making (Te loop)?

The learning process isn’t linear because it’s hard to break old habits. It’s hard to break a mental habit when you don’t even know it exists, when you don’t understand how it works, when you don’t know what triggers it, and when you can’t admit that it grants you egotistical benefits you don’t want to give up (e.g. People procrastinate when they get “gratification” by doing something more fun than the work - they want the fun-in-the-moment more than achieving the future goal). Have you done the self-reflection that is necessary to understand what your bad habit is and break it? You need a certain level of self-awareness to know what causes a negative pattern, and sometimes the only way to obtain that self-awareness is to make repeated mistakes that bring the pattern out into the light of day for everyone to see. To break an old pattern requires learning a NEW lesson, a NEW way of thinking, or a NEW method of doing things that replaces the old way. Unfortunately, many people have to repeat the mistake as many times as necessary until they finally learn that changing to a new way is necessary. That’s why cognitive dysfunction is often a slow and gradual descent to rock bottom as some people require the jolt of hitting a rock bottom to finally get themselves on track. In that sense, being in the loop/grip is never a “waste” because it’s a necessary part your learning process. But you cannot accept this reality, so you suffer for your wishing thinking that reality “should” be otherwise.

The fact that you ask me how to “accelerate” means that your attitude is all wrong. You’re not approaching the problem seriously by telling me the exact steps you’ve taken to “develop Fi”, you’re not patiently reviewing your Fi missteps with a fine-toothed comb, you’re not taking time to appreciate any progress that you’ve made, rather, you’re issuing self-condemnations, throwing your hands up in the air, and begging for miracles. This blog is not for venting; it’s for reflection. You’re looking for easy answers and I don’t have any, so stop asking me for them unless you enjoy disappointment. When you only care about “end results”, you’re never fully present in your life, and worst of all, you won’t find the right path because you’ll settle for ANY path as long as you imagine it’s “faster” for you -> Te loop. When you’re constantly looking for escape or shortcuts, it’s easy to get yourself lost, because your attention is always scattered from all the scanning about, and your focus is actually just on avoiding your negative emotions, as opposed to appreciating the bumpy process of learning and growing into a better person. Face up to your negative emotions, listen to what they are trying to tell you.

#enfp #te loop #si grip #development #learning #loop #grip #auxiliary fi #ask

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innerclouds · 5 years ago

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Questions to really go deep

1. Do you have more friends or acquaintances? No.

2. What emotion are you most afraid of feeling/ displaying? Depends on who’s company I’m keeping.

3. Have you ever experienced a “glitch in the matrix” moment? Deja vu? Constantly. Probably just signs of a stroke coming down the line.

4. Favorite term you discovered on Urban dictionary. I don't browse it so none?

5. What’s a subject you could talk about for hours? Politics.

6. What’s the difference between a type and a preference? I am not getting into this, this is a trap question.

7. What secretly scares you about society? I'd say but I'd be labeled for "wrong think" on this platform. Not that I haven't been already.

8. How bad is your FOMO? What is a FOMO?

9. What’s your spirit animal? Depends on the quiz thing I've taken, it's always different.

10. How well do you perform in school? About average.

11. What are your good habits? What are your bad habits? Washing hands. Biting nails.

12. What personal trait are you most proud of? I can doodle gud I guess.

13. What does your driving say about you? Paranoid.

14. What do you think is the weirdest/ creepiest societal norm? Man that's a long list. Again, it would get me labeled for "wrong think".

15. Favorite sound effect? None.

16. You have the power to divide the world by 2 to 4 groups of people, how do you divide them? With a battle axe.

17. What popular saying or quote pisses you have? The heck is a quote piss?

18. Are you cooperative or a contrarian? Yes.

19. Something a lot of people like that you HATE. Again, I probably shouldn't say.

20. There’s a website that rates and reviews your performance as a lover. What would the reviews for you say? 10/10.

21. What was “the incident” that happened at your high school or college? Which one? There were a lot of those.

22. Has there been a time where you wanted to speak up about something but held your tongue anyways? Gee I dunno.

23. A big risk you took that paid off. Short list.

24. A big risk you took that did not work out. Long list.

25. What’s your favorite historical event to research? Black plague. Actually did something for that as a subject for school once, it was entertaining.

26. How do you work your way into someone’s heart? Rib cage with a bone saw.

27. What food combinations do you enjoy that other people find weird? Not sure.

28. Have you ever had an encounter with law enforcement? How’d it turn out? With a rent-a-cop. About as well as you’d expect.

29. What book made you appreciate reading? All of them.

30. Are you toxic? Are you afraid to admit it? Oh no, I am absolutely toxic and I own it. Some say I'm hitler 2.0 because *gasp* I have differing opinions and tend to rely on facts and evidence. The horror!

31. Dumbest thing you’ve done in a foreign country? Haven't been in any of those. Unless Utah counts, in which, I went to Utah counts as dumbest thing.

32. What do you think is an unfair double standard between men and women? This is another trap question, especially with how it's worded, that I refuse to get into because it'll take hours and I simply cannot be arsed.

33. What’s your personal heaven? Full of eggrolls.

34. What is something that everyone should experience in their lifetime? Conflict.

35. How often do you change your mind on something you thought you were concrete on? Not often, but if you present solid evidence it will help sway me.

36. Is it easier for you to love or hate? What do you think this says about you? I'm an emotional sponge so both. Probably says a lot.

37. You have doubts about the person you’re romantically involved with, how does this get resolved? Don't have any doubts but if I did I would expect by talking it out.

38. Has there been a time where you thought you were helping someone but were actually enabling their worst habits? Possibly.

39. “Charlie” is short for “Charles” but both have the same amount of letters. What are your thoughts? I don't care.

40. To the person you’re asking these questions to: what is the best and worst things about them? Them being them is the best thing about them. Need more days off, heh.

41. Do you surround yourself with people that bring the best or worst out of you? The former.

42. What will inevitably lead to human extinction? Humans themselves, unfortunately it's taking far too long.

43. Is it better for someone to have a wide range of superficial knowledge or deep knowledge about a few things? Yes.

44. What if there were no professionals in any given subject, but everyone knew a little bit about everything? Okay?

45. How can we judge ourselves by our intentions yet judge others by their actions? This can lead to very murky waters and I'm starting to wonder if the OP has a personal slant on these questions, as far as I'm concerned actions speak and intentions are just intentions until they are actions.

46. Can we ever believe someone when they say their intentions are different from their actions? So that basically confirms it. Thanks for playing.

47. What if you could tell if someone’s intentions were truly transparent upon first meeting them? OP, stop it.

48. What is the biggest waste of human potential? That is an extremely long list, but somewhere around the top five? I'd say social media.

49. Would things get better or worse if humans focused on what was going well rather than what’s going wrong? Maybe, maybe not.

50. What benefits does art provide society? Does art hurt society in any way? Art will always benefit society and no, art does not hurt it at all.

51. When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you? Can't recall doing any of that.

52. How sneaky were you when you were younger? Or was it something recent that you messed up and got away with? See above.

53. What would you name your boat if you had one? Leaky.

54. What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad? The gillette commercial, you know the one, for obvious reasons.

55. What’s the closest thing to real magic? Love.

56. What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done? Halloween, dressed as an escaped crazy person with actual chains, dragging them down the halls and scaring the crap out of anyone unfortunate enough to cross his path.

57. On a scale of 1-10, how strict are/were your parents? 7.

58. Who was your worst teacher? Why? Don't recall.

59. Who was your favorite teacher? Why? Either PE teacher and another down the line. They both understood.

60. Which would you pick: being world-class attractive, a genius or famous for doing something great? None of the above, fame is overrated.

61. What paper that you’ve written are you most proud of? See school subject on the black plague.

62. What would you do if you were invisible for a day? You mean I've not been invisible my entire life?

63. What actions in your life will have the longest reaching consequences? Rather not mention.

64. You’re the first human to interact with an alien and it’s non-hostile. What do you do? Too shy and quiet to make a proper first contact, probably doom our species to abrupt extinction as a result due to a misunderstanding.

65. Are you afraid? Who isn't?

66. To the person you’re asking these questions to: date, marry or kill? First two.

67. To the person you’re asking these questions to: where did you meet them? Next to a campfire outside a snowy tavern in the woods.

68. Can you describe your first high experience? Confusing.

69. Nice Wat?

70. Can you describe your worst drunk experience? Never again.

71. Post the 17th picture from your gallery. What gallery?

72. What was your favorite place you’ve been employed? What was your least favorite? None. Theater.

73. Do you value charm or intelligence more? Big meaty brains.

74. What worries you most about your mistakes? All of it.

75. What personal prisons have you built out of fears? Yes.

76. What is the most important thing you could do right now in your personal life? Long list.

77. If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, who would you ask and what would you ask? I wouldn't ask anything.

78. What is your number one goal for the next six months? Improve.

79. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Shitposting.

80. Who or what do you think of when you think of love? Bae.

81. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” No.

82. What’s the difference between settling for things and accepting the way things are? Virtually none.

83. How many of your friends would you trust with your life? One.

84. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? Depends.

85. Who do you dream about? Naked butlers.

86. What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far? Near car accident.

87. Are ghost or aliens real? In a manner, probably. Most likely.

88. Have you ever broken a bone? No.

89. What’s something you’re embarrassed to admit to try? Vegan meals.

90. Is your nationality a part of your identity? No.

91. Do you find your eye color unique? It can be.

92. Is there a song you enjoy from a genre that you don’t listen to? Multiple.

93. What is your sexuality? Triggering to some.

94. Is the person you’re asking these questions to an introvert, extrovert or an ambivert? Former.

95. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve done for someone? Roses.

96. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Something I can never forgive myself of.

97. When was the last time you’ve felt jealous? Why? Been a while.

98. Do you still think about your first love? No.

99. Would you want to live in the country you want to go on vacation to the most? Yes and no, they need to clean up their problems first.

#more requests

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choisgirls · 6 years ago

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Spring items survive the winter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL, DEAR FRIEND AND ADOPTED YOUNGER SISTER @snow-and-saltea!!!

I love you v much and I cannot describe how much I appreciate you and everything that you do but hopefully this sickly sweet, rot-your-teeth-out hurt/comfort piece can tell you at least a little bit but if it doesn’t, don’t shoot me I’m just ur grandma 👀

Now this isn’t mysme, but it certainly is my first piece I’ve done for Food Fantasy, and I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from attempting nor was I gonna let it stop me from posting it here for you(Yuu) so here we are. Did I do Sakuramochi justice? Probably not. Am I gonna scream yolo and post this anyway? Yes I am, with all my dumb bitch energy 👀

❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡

Pairing: (Self-insert) Yuu x Sakuramochi Fandom: Food Fantasy Words: 1,750 Genre: Sickly sweet fluff with some hurt sprinkled in there but not the normal level of angst so pls Yuu do not kill me

❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡❀♡

Sakuramochi disliked seeing anyone with their spirits low. One would argue that any decent person, human or otherwise, disliked seeing people sad but the soft-hearted girl actually took those emotions to heart. She was soft, emotional- an empath, if you will; She could sense others emotions and take those feelings and work through them as though they were her own, and honestly, it could take its toll. Despite this, however, she devoted every bit of her energy on making others happy, making sure they’re hearts, minds, and souls were at peace- strangers around her and previous Master Attendants, her newest one being no exception.

“Master Attendant Yuu!” she called out, skipping her way across the yard, “Master Attendant!”

The young master had been sitting beneath a barren tree for hours, staring at an open book in her lap yet reading no pages. Sakuramochi had watched just as long, waiting for the right moment to approach; What had been going through her master’s head? Had her head been in the clouds- maybe she would tell her all about a story she had spent her time dreaming up, those certainly were her favourites. Or maybe she had darker thoughts on her mind- Sakuramochi did recognize her slumped, empty appearance all too well after all.

“Master Attendant!” she called a third time before gracefully sitting on her heels beside her company, “You’ve been sitting here a while... aren’t you getting chilly? There is a cold breeze travelling through. Look, it’s so chilly that the leaves had to go inside for some warm tea!”

Her sweet giggle was swept with the wind and had fallen on deaf ears as Yuu took a few moments to turn and realize her loyal food soul had been sitting beside her.

“Oh,” she closed the book in her lap and turned slightly to address the pink-haired girl fully, “Sakuramochi, what are you doing here?”

“I asked if you were cold,” she shyly rubbed at one of her wrists, using the fluidity of her sleeves to hide the nervous action, “You haven’t read a single page. Was it a boring book? Or had your head been in the clouds?”

“Ah, more of the latter, I suppose.”

“Were they the good clouds? The light and fluffy ones- the ones where you’re able to breathe and think? Oh! Have you thought of another adventure story while you were up there?” Sakuramochi leaned towards her in anticipation, keeping her excitement contained with her soft voice, “I’d love to hear it- your stories are my favourites!”

“Unfortunately, a story wasn’t on my mind this time,” Yuu gave her a soft smile, ��Maybe I’ll have one for you next time.”

“Master Attendant Yuu, it seems like you may have some worries. Can you tell me about them?” Sakuramochi flinched at how sudden her master had sat up and immediately averted her eyes to the hem of her dress, “I’m sorry for intruding, I... It just seemed as though you held an abundance of sadness behind that smile. Your speech seems...”

“Stand-offish?” Yuu finished, allowing the sadness in her smile to seep through, “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just... I’ve just been thinking about my family, is all.”

Sakuramochi’s pink eyes grew wide and her master seemed far out of her reach in an instance. Family- that's a word that causes hurtful memories to spring back to life for the young food soul, the wounds from the past still stinging as her fingertips graze against her cheek in remembrance. The sounds of her first master screaming flooded her ears- the harsh words, the scratchy sound that came from their screams, the warmth of their hand as it glided against her skin. She became so lost in her memories that she had forgotten where and when she was, and she certainly had forgotten how different her current master attendant was in comparison.

“Sakuramochi?” Yuu’s voice echoed within her mind, “Sakuramochi, are you alright?”

“Hmm?” she hummed and gave a gentle smile before lowering her hand back down to her lap, “I’m alright. Please, go on. I’d love to listen and make your troubles disappear.”

Yuu took a moment to study her company’s expression, taking note of the sadness, hurt, and fear that flashed in front of her eyes and hid behind the comfort of her smile. It was hurtful, knowing that such a bright, calming presence could have hidden such darkness beneath- it hurt more that she was always willing to hear others troubles instead of ever addressing her own, but it called to who she truly was and it certainly was someone with a gentle heart.

The corners of her mouth tugged upwards slightly, before turning her eyes up to the skies above. It was overcast, dark clouds scattered about as they intermingled with the lesser grey ones- they seemed too close, too smothering- they paired well with the changing of the seasons, but sat unsettling to those swept up in it. This weather further reminded her of her family, and took the opportunity to let down her walls and confide in the one person she grew to trust the most.

“...I was just thinking about my family. They’re troublesome, you know?” Yuu started, feeling such an intense gaze on her that she couldn’t pick which emotion was hitting her most, “You’ve seen how I live here alone. I... prefer to be alone. Not... alone- I enjoy yours and the other food soul’s presence, of course, but... alone in the sense that I’m away from my family. My siblings... I’m sure they’re normal siblings- I think? They’ve been through similar things but... deal with it differently, and see mine as abnormal, I suppose. But I... I didn’t think much about them.” She turned to Sakuramochi once again with a distant look in her eyes, “I thought about my parents, instead.”

“Your parents?” She tilted her head, “What about them? Are they as nice as you?”

“Ha,” Yuu genuinely started to laugh, the action caused a blush across Sakuramochi’s skin, “No, definitely not. That’s why the weather reminded me of them today.”

“Master Attendant Yuu... may I ask why you associate them with this weather?” Sakuramochi spoke slowly, as though she were walking on eggshells. “If you don’t wish to tell me, that’s alright, of course. I only want to help.”

“I don’t mind. This weather... dark, cold, solemn- that's what they come off as. They’re demanding and controlling like the clouds; The clouds dictate your every move after all, they tease you into thinking it’ll rain, therefore controlling your plans for the day- your outfit, your activities, even your mood. The winter... the winter is just a storage place for the items the spring has produced, and they’re only met with the harsh breeze and the emptiness that surrounds it. I love the rain; I hate feeling these clouds.”

“...I wish for clear skies, every day.”

Sakuramochi’s attention turned to the sky, and Yuu’s stayed fixated on the gentle soul in front of her. Something within the space between the two of them felt warm, inviting- safe; Something else sparked between the two of them, something... special, foreign, something neither of them could explain with the use of words, but knew in their hearts that it felt right. Sakuramochi had a glaze over her eyes for a moment before a soft sigh passed her lips; The corners of her mouth curled up to an equally gentle smile to match the rest of her delicate features as her eyes fell closed.

Yuu’s heartbeat felt sporadic and irrational at the sight- she was so caught up in watching the breeze brush pink hair away from an equally pink-dusted, cold skin and the faint scent of red bean paste circulating between them. She was so preoccupied by the sight in front of her, she hadn’t realized the soft, pink petals piling up on her shoulder; As one grazed her cheek, she looked to find several of the sweet-smelling petals gently floating down to the earth, some getting swept away by the wind.

“Cherry blossom petals? In winter?”

A soft brush of fingertips against her cheek turned her to meet mellow pink eyes.

“The cherry blossoms constantly tell me to thank you... I understand what you mean- my first Master Attendant was... grey, like the clouds. I loved them, but when they needed me the most I... didn’t live up to what they needed. I would provide these petals to try and make them smile- they're so fascinating and sweet. They make me happy- spring is one of the most beautiful times, isn’t it? I’d like to use my gentle friends to help brighten your day- and every day- if you’d allow me, Master Attendant.”

The air was no longer sweet due to the cherry blossoms, but of the unspoken bond between the two of them. Love was a strong word, and an emotion the two of them certainly hadn’t experienced, but the intimacy between them was so obvious and charming that they were blind to one another’s feelings. The oblivious duo had unconsciously leaned towards each other, Yuu leaning against Sakuramochi’s hand and turning to place a light, uncertain kiss to her palm. As they exchanged bashful glances, the blush across their faces grew darker than the petals around them before Sakuramochi begrudgingly dropped her hand to hold onto the now embarrassed master in front of her- a part of her said she should hold back to avoid driving the other away, but another part of her surprisingly told her how it felt right.

“Master Attendant Yuu? I’d like to be closer to you, so you may feel free to share your troubles with me- I want to be the one to bring the smile back to your face in times like these,” she started, running her thumb across Yuu’s skin, “Um... Perhaps we should change the way we address one another? I’d very much like to call you just Yuu. It feels more... intimate. ”

“Alright, you can call me ‘Just Yuu’.”

“That isn’t what I meant!” Sakuramochi cried, embarrassment creeping up across her skin; Her outburst caused her MA to laugh- it was such a sweet sound, she would never get used to the way it made her heart flutter.

“I know, I was joking. I think we should change it, too.” Yuu’s eyes slowly closed, a small smile gracing the features Sakuramochi had already found absolutely heavenly, “I’d be honoured if you’d call me Yuu, my mochi.”

#smh like you could be this smooth 👀🔪#IM KIDDING I LOVE YOU LMFAO LKASJDFH #yuu ro roo~#you need a new tag but idk what to give you smh #but yes!! happy birthday!! im love you!!#and sakuramochi!! loves you too!!!!#now listen i did my best to keep to your personality #but i may have messed it up a bit please forgive me for i am just your dumb old grandma :^)#not mysme #self insert x food fantasy #yuu x sakuramochi #writing 4 friends

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hanibalistic · 4 years ago

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hello. this may seem random, but since I have been following you for a while now, I thought I might like your take on this too? basically, how do deal with parents who are constantly emotionally manipulating you? my father, the other day, said something along the lines of "I'm hoping something bad happens to you. it's my omen." while I don't believe in such things, it did make me feel uneasy and weighed heavy on my chest. idk if you're comfortabel answering this, but since you seem pretty cool and nonchalant (at least that's how you come off to me) how would you deal with this if you were me?

hello! you are absolutely right when you said i seem pretty cool and nonchalant, and i also believe that you have chosen the worst person to look to when you are asking for advice because my nonchalance lets me get away with a bullshit load of bad things directed toward me! however, i will be giving my two cents because i have been asked to and i have dealt with this before :) so buckle up a little.

i didn't grow up with a lot of manipulating going on in my house; i didn't grow up having a lot of it directed at me, because my mother (my dad cannot talk shit for the threat of his life, thank god, or else it's a fist + words combo) realized early on my apathy is stronger than your typical child, and i'm also a little mean to people who aren't nice to me. "you cannot guilt-trip me to do anything for you if i know i'm superior to you, i'll watch you suffer comfortably" kind of kid. i'm not happy about it, it has ruined a lot of things for me. i think the worst thing i've said was to tell my grandma to just off herself if she really wanted since she won't stop suggesting it to guilt-trip me.

so, yeah, it's not a good thing, but the one 'okay' thing that came out of it was that i'm pretty immune to emotional manipulation/abuse.

my father was physically abusive, and it was harshly directed at me (sometimes because i am shitty, lmao) for a while until it stopped. why? he also realized, much later than my mother, that i do not care. or at least i didn't know how to show that i cared; i didn't show any signs of anything—no fear, no tears, nothing. when he wasn't getting what he wanted out of me, he stopped; there was no point. i wasn't receiving what the beating was supposed to give me, or i wasn't giving what he wanted the beating to give him.

my sister, on the other hand, has always been more emotional. or, actually, the main thing is that she cries. she reacts, a lot, and things didn't stop for her until we moved away from home.

i cannot tell you to put boundaries. people always say "oh, you have to put boundaries" don't realize it's not an option because the people we are dealing with don't care about boundaries. and sometimes, we are just not in the position to leave because we depend on them to survive. i don't have a way for you to change your parents, unfortunately, but i can tell you to try and start with yourself.

it is way easier said than done, of course; i can't just tell you to stop feeling uneasy when your father said those things. it took a while for me to remember that people can't just stop caring, but you have to.

at least act like you don't care. play into it if the shoe fits. one aspect about parents like them that i have experienced myself, or seen through others who also have very manipulative parents, is that they feed off of reactions. making you uncomfortable makes them happy, making you hurt gives them energy—so stop, or act like you're stopping (aka. repressing, unfortunately). gouge your opponents, analyze your parents, see what type of people they are. sometimes when nothing happens for a prolonged period of time, when the toxic relationship is not being reciprocated, they'll hopefully get bored and stop.

additionally, on a light-hearted note, talk to your friends! find other outlets to express yourself if you cannot remove yourself from this situation yet, and prepare to go whenever you can. this is not the place to stay, it hasn't treated you well.

p.s don’t bottle your feelings. talk and cry when you have to, even if it’s just to yourself, or else you’ll turn out to be a nut-job like me!!!

#tw: emotional abuse #tw: bad parenting #tw: manipulation #anonie #reply #just in case—i am on good terms with my parents right now #something i think is worth mentioning is that parents can realize they've done it wrong #and you can always choose to forgive them if you want to and not if you don't #it does cause some conflict emotionally but that's maybe just me haha #i don't know if i answered the question to be honest but i think personal experience can help somewhat #feel free to talk more if you want to anon! i hope you're okay :)

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thefeedpost · 7 years ago

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17 Tiny But Important Truths To Remember When You Think Life Sucks

Twenty20 / @Lesia.Valentain

Let’s be real guys, life’s a bitch sometimes. Am I right? As human beings, we experience ups and downs throughout our entire existence on this floating sphere through space. And sometimes when we’re really down in the dumps, it’s hard for us to remember the happy times because we naturally become laser-focused on the negatives.

Well, I am here to remind all of you that you don’t have to live that way. The following list was compiled from various pieces of advice I’ve received along my journey, most of which was when I was pretty down myself. Whether your struggles are current or ongoing, major or minor, I hope these little reminders will help you overcome this dark period you’re experiencing now.

1. Failing now does not make you a failure forever

Each individual will overcome several trials and tribulations throughout this lifetime, and sometimes we’re going to fail. But that does not mean that the things you try in the future will yield the same result. Finding the courage to try again shows that life will not be able to take you down easily. It will also instill a confidence in you that you may have lacked in the past, one that empowers you to take on other life challenges down the road.

2. You are not alone in your struggle

With over seven billion people on the planet, it is difficult to imagine that whatever you’re currently dealing with is your cross to bear alone. While you may never meet someone who is struggling the same way you are in the same time frame, you can take comfort in knowing others have experienced similar troubles. They may not all approach these obstacles in the same way you do, but it’s definitely comforting to know you don’t have to face this alone. You can take solace in knowing that there is hope, that it is possible to work this out….or at least move past whatever block currently exists in your path.

3. Even the small steps are significant

It may feel like you have to solve every piece of your problem at once, but I have good news for you, my friend. Even taking the smallest steps in the right direction is helpful. Whether that’s specific to your struggle or not is your decision, but either way, things never seem as daunting in the light. Spending time with someone who brings you joy or even indulging in a new hobby could be a small step that leads you to find greater happiness.

4. You have people who love and support you

Ah, friends, family, loved ones in general. They’re your fellow human beings you can count on to have your back in times of struggle. Whether that’s a shoulder to cry on or a body to bury, rest easy knowing that you are not alone in your fight and these people will be there to love you through it no matter what.

5. It is okay to reach out for help

Now, because you know for a fact that you are not alone in these trying times, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making the effort to reach out to those people. It is so common to feel like a burden or a PITA (pain in the ass) by dumping your drama on your loved ones, but I assure you, you are neither of those things. There is a subsection in the contract that is your friendship with each of these individuals that ensures you they will be there should you need it. It’s quite literally part of the job description. So, stop holding back worries that you’ll be a bother to them. I can promise you that if they know you well, they can already tell something’s up anyway and will want to do whatever they can to get you back to where you need to be.

6. Some of the most successful people have been where you are

Everyone knows the success stories of those like Steve Jobs, Michael Jordan, and Oprah. But it was not something that happened overnight. Each of them experienced rough patches on their path before finding their individual successes. So it comes as no surprise that one of the points in this article would be that you too can be successful. Whether that be in your career, in love, or your life in general, each of their success stories is proof that you too can escape your current reality and work to make a better one for yourself.

7. The suck is temporary (Mostly)

Nothing lasts forever, right? At least that’s what we’ve always been told. And while it usually carries a negative connotation, in this case, it can really be a good thing. For the most part, whatever you’re currently going through will not last forever either. You will find moments of happiness and there will be times when it feels like things are on the rise. Hold on to those feelings and use them as motivation to get you out of your funk.

8. Get that shit out

Cry. Scream. Throw things. (Just not at other people, please…) Whatever it is you need to do, get that anger and sadness out of your heart. It will feel impossible to achieve true happiness if you are constantly bogged down by negativity. So go out in the field and smash that printer “Office Space” style, you’ll thank yourself for it.

9. Don’t dwell on it

As important as it is to work all that shit out of your system, it is JUST as important to recognize when you’ve exceeded your threshold of stress, emotions, whatever. A person can only take so much. Only so much can be said or done about a subject before it is time to accept that you’ve made all the effort you can and to move on with your life. Do not continue wasting energy on something that has already proved to suck the life right out of you.

10. Appreciate every good thing that happens

One good thing about being sad is that anytime something good happens, it can feel like a small victory. This can be anything from getting complimented by a stranger to having a mental breakthrough, or maybe even a creative one. Happiness comes in all forms, and even the tiniest glimpse of hope can put you in a better frame of mind. Accepting the good things that happen to you will also have a positive effect on your self esteem, giving you more confidence for the future.

11. You live and you learn.

A man named Malcolm Gladwell once said, “A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.” You will never experience something tough that does not teach you something. About other people, about yourself, etc. The lessons here are the most important, they are what we take with us once the tough part has ended. It’s the advice we go on to give others who struggle with the same things. Each and every point in this article is a different lesson I have learned throughout my life.

12. Times of struggle often teach us who we really are

You will never know yourself better than when it’s you against the world. Now I know that I said earlier that you would always have love and support from those closest to you, and that’s true. However, at the end of the day, no one in this life makes decisions for you but you. Regardless of advice given or feelings had by others, you will have to look deep inside yourself and find the determination to continue rising up. And in doing that, we all learn SO MUCH about ourselves. The process of our problem solving, our emotions, our ability to deal with change..People always say we should be our own best friends. I believe that, and I believe that in times of struggle you have the potential to build a bond with your soul that truly becomes unbreakable.

13. You have a unique purpose here

Every single one of us is put on this planet at this moment for some undiscovered reason. Some may never truly figure out their soul’s purpose, but we all know how to recognize someone who has. It’s easy to forget just how important you are, and how impactful your existence is to not only those around you but to this world. Maybe you’ll be the one to discover the cure for cancer, or maybe you’re going to create beautiful masterpieces that go down in history, bringing humanity to tears. Maybe you’re simply here because someone else needs you to be. Just like our quest to understand our own purpose, we rarely grasp the perspective understand just how much our presence matters to others. You matter, and you truly never know where the future could lead.

14. Exercise is good!! Or just any physical activity really…

Being sedentary does you very little good, my friend. Too often we find ourselves hidden away from the world in times of turmoil. It’s much easier to sit around watching Netflix, eating cold mac and cheese until you explode when considering the idea of actually going out and doing something when you’re depressed. Physical activity can be anything from simply taking a walk outside to yoga to taking a full-on kickboxing class. We release endorphins into our systems when we exercise, and their job is to help amp up the happiness level inside our brains. Aside from that, being active opens up more chances to meet new people, and to work through the shit hanging around inside our heads in a constructive way.

15. At the end of the day, there’s always meditation (Pro Advice via TinyBuddha’s Benson Wong)

THIS! Guys, I cannot tell you how many times I have been given this same advice. It took me literal years to yield it, and when I finally did I was shocked. I have never felt more at ease in my life! Clearing your mind to a calm state while sitting comfortably deep in thought is so cleansing for the mind and for the soul. It can give you clarity, but can also just keep you calm. There are zero negative effects from doing meditation. And you can do it whenever you’d like! As soon as you get a rhythm for it down, you could plop down in just about any space and get your brain thinking in the right direction.

16. Ultimately, you and only you are in control of your life

Sometimes unfortunate circumstances bring us down, but only you say how long you’ll stay down for. Happiness is a state of mind, my dears, and we all have to make our own efforts to bring us back to it. No matter how many times someone tells you that you have to get up, you have to get back out there, until you make the conscious effort to, it won’t happen. When you think about it that way though, it should bring you comfort. If you and only you decide how drastically something affects you, then you and only you can decide how to react. And learning how you react to things can open up so much space for you in regards to how you deal when the negativity train pulls into the station.

17. What have you got to lose?

That’s the real question, isn’t it? We have the opportunity every single day to decide that we want to get out of this funk, that this darkness we’ve lived in for so long just isn’t worth putting up with anymore. It can be very scary standing up to your demons, big or small. But I can tell you this from personal experience, nothing is scarier than staying there. Being stagnant in your unhappiness, hoping for either the end or a miracle to bring you out. It is times like those that we have to look ourselves in the mirror and decide what it is we’re willing to do to ultimately escape our own mental prison. Think about it: What do you really have to lose? If you want to find happiness again, take action to seek it. Happiness will find you.

While each of these points focused on different sections of your life, I meant what I said before about you retaining control of what kind of mind frame you choose to maintain. If you know in your heart that you want to be happy, then you fight and fight and fight until you feel it. Not just for a minute or so; give yourself more than that. Fight until happiness overwhelms you with its warmth and comfort, making you wonder why you waited so long to take that first step. No one will be able to deter you from your path once you’ve found it, not even you. And once you have it in your sights, I promise you all the struggle and darkness will be worth it.

As the wise Nas once said, “Once you make it to your point of making it, you’ll appreciate the struggle.”