#utopian rambles

[bastards-utopia]

I need other severe allergic people to dub me up.

I'm barely alive. Yesterday I was taking pictures in the field for about an HOUR. That's literally the time I spent outside and still today hay fever has took my ability to hear in left ear, blessed me with terrible sore throat and my chronic sinusitis (that is the main influence on my one ear deafness ) My nose is stuffy and I feel like my brain is what I sneeze out. Vaguely literally. Ow.

And I want to go out and I want to frolick carelessly but if I would allergic asthma would probably end me. This world isn't for me it seems

[bastards-utopia]

Second hand / thrift ! And try to avoid plastics

*faux leather no animals were harmed! :)

[indigo-constellation]

the Pathologic essay I wrote last year about why I think the Haruspex route Utopian ending is the overall best ending, I still stand by what I said however this somewhat structured essay holds less than half about how much I care about this ending.

also it is just canon LOL

In the game Pathologic there are three different routes, each corresponding to each healer. The story also has several endings, one for each of the bound (characters which as the name implies, are bound to their individual healer) as well as a bad ending if the player fails to find any sort of viable solution for the plague. This ability to choose the ending belonging to another healer is an incredibly telling one on the part of the characters, especially when it comes to the Haruspex, and his ability to choose the Utopian, and the Bachelor’s ending. This ending also works quite well when considering the wider narratives of the Haruspex’s route, including the future of the town, his role and sacrifice, and the metanarrative of the story.

In all three routes there lays quite a large weight on the future of the town, as of course it is the battle of the ending, of which vision of the town would become reality. The Haruspex’s bound is known as the Termites, a collection of children who learned from Isidor Burakh, Artemy Burakh’s father. Their ending is the one in which the Polyhedron is destroyed and the town stands, ready to be developed by a future generation. However, it is discovered in one of the other routes of the story, the Bachelor’s route (we will get to him later) that the source of the infection lies underneath the town, in the pockets of blood which have collected beneath. This means that the plague can never be fully defeated unless the town itself is destroyed, as the Polyhedron has already pierced the ground, meaning that there is no returning the plague to its dormant state, trapped underneath the earth. On the other hand, the other side of the river is entirely uninhibited, clean of the plague. This complete lack of prior development also means an ability to create a new town.

The new town built after the Utopian ending is one made, as the name implies, by the Utopians, however, the asymmetrical narrative changes depending on which healer is the one being currently played by the player, so following that logic, the endings would be influenced as well. This would hypothetically mean that the vision Capella has for the future of the town, one in which the Haruspex is a leader of the kin, and the town would be led by the children, could still find its place within the new town. There are also direct connections between the Utopians and Termites as well, such as Casper Kain, also known as Khan, of the termites, being a termite while also being part of the Kain family, which means that despite the rocky relationship amongst the family, he is still a heir to that power. Capella as well, is the sister of Vlad the younger, who at that point is the eldest Olgymsky remaining, and the projected leader of the town’s industry in the new town, she has also planned her engagement to Khan, meaning that she would then have a connection to Kain family as well. Apart from these direct connections, the entirety of the bound is important, each member, independent of faction, still able to impact the future of the town, and in order to achieve the Utopian ending in the Haruspex route both the Termites and Utopians must be fully healed. However these are the more hypothetical results of the ending, in the game itself the cutscene remains the same for whichever healer chooses the ending, which can imply the uniformness of the ending. However even though the Utopian ending described in differing routes can still serve the Haruspex well, the utopia described in the Bachelor route is explicitly stated to need the Earth, “…it's all about what's down below. It requires dirt. A ruby firmament needs something to sit atop-otherwise it'd topple.” This coincides well with the future Capella predicts, with the Haruspex taking his place as the foreman of the Abattoir, showing that there is, in fact, a place for the “earthly and the humane” in the new town. The connections described within the route, the needs of the utopia, and especially the influence of the Haruspex himself, would allow the Utopian ending to be a fitting future in the Haruspex route.

Another very present aspect of the Haurpsex’s route is that of his sacrifice, the idea that he must destroy, kill, something or someone in order for his ending to occur. This concept is mentioned a few times, however it is only fully explained by Katerina Saburova, “You will make a sacrifice. There will be rivers of blood, and that will be your doing.” While I can go into a whole other essay about the ideas of the sacrifice (and I do), we will for this essay’s sake, take the sacrifice as it’s surface level in pathologic classic, and how it’s implications mean that choosing the Utopian ending would have better long-term effects and also complete the Haruspex’s journey.

The Haruspex’s story follows a more classical hero’s journey rather than the Bachelor’s tragedy, with the abattoir symbolising the other world, and Oyun assigning the quite literal trials the Haruspex must go through. Once the Haruspex defeats the Foreman and becomes the new Foreman of the abattoir, however, he is still not respected by the butchers, who require a sacrifice from him. This duality of both the mistress’ prophecy and the requirement of the butchers also shines a light on the Haruspex in Pathologic Classic, someone who knows that he is of two worlds, however also a person who takes pride in both of them, and brings them together.

In the Termite ending the sacrifice is not fulfilled, the Haruspex is not allowed access to the blood, the plague looms as a remaining threat, and the Polyhedron still falls, for nothing.

Unlike in Pathologic 2, where the Polyhedron is quite literally piercing through the heart of the Earth, slowly killing her, in classic it is nowhere near that fatal, still harmful, but not fatal..  This important distinction is also important to make with the fact that while the blood would still seep out from the open wound if the tower were to fall, it would be limited, and would dry out at some point, while on the other hand, completing the sacrifice would allow the Haruspex access to the blood in the Earth, as the butchers would allow him to find the hidden reserves.

The sacrifice herself, Aglaya Lilich is someone already doomed by the powers that be, a doll loved by their mother and so hated by them, she dies in every ending but the Termites’. There is, of course, a point to be made about the theme of a woman having to die for a man’s journey is not a good one, and choosing this ending would feed into a harmful cliche, however, her death is something she herself understands, and although she urges the Haruspex not to make it, she acknowledges that she is meant to be the sacrifice, that choosing this choice will be enough, “If you lead him to victory, you may consider your sacrifice made. You return to the exultant butchers, triumphant.” Her death is not regarded as a simple shock factor to the end of the story, it is the pivotal choice the Haruspex must make. This is also shown in the Changeling route, where saving Aglaya is seen as an act of deceit, as even Clara’s ending, which saves the town, requires Aglaya to die, as Aglaya is a ‘queen’ an important piece on the board at the end of the game, her life only allows for the Termite ending, only allows for the Haruspex to lose his standing within the kin, and only allows for the sacrifice of the Polyhedron.

The Polyhedron is viewed as the sacrifice in the case that the Haruspex seeks to save Aglaya, however would it even work as one? The sacrifice needed is one of equal value to the Udurgh, the body that contains the world, and if the Utopian route is the one followed, the Udurgh is Simon Kain, and so the sacrifice must be someone who is more than human, and yet human. The Polyhedron, on the other hand, contains no human element, yet, it is the container for a human soul, a chimaera of living and nonliving, however in the Termite ending it is empty, and therefore cannot serve as sacrifice. Both Katerina and Capella’s opinions support the Bachelor’s argument in favour of the Polyhedron standing as well, Katerina outright claiming that “ I know for sure that you are to destroy a woman…” However, seeing that Katerina’s prophecies are often wrong, this statement must be taken with a pinch of salt. On the other hand, Capella clarifies that while Simon is merely a man in the current time, however, “Had Simon been reborn though, had he transferred his spirit to a new vessel-a body huge, perfect, and able to let others in... then he could have been called that.” Well, that rebirth, that new vessel she describes just so happens to match up incredibly well to the Polyhedron, this means that for the Udurgh to exist, for the Haruspex to fulfil his purpose, he must let the Polyhedron stand, must let Simon become the Udurgh. These ideas of sacrifice, of fate, and most importantly, of duty and purpose, greatly define the Haruspex’s story, and the Utopian ending is the only ending which gives it the needed satisfaction by its end.

All of the prior points about the town and the sacrifice have been made with the greatest levels of constraint I was able to amount, this paragraph, admittedly, will be much more personal, as the reasoning it presents was the initial reason for my appreciation of this ending. Simply saying, this paragraph will discuss this ending and the Haruspex’s connections, specifically the connection to the Bachelor. This entire essay could have been written only about this, specific subject, however, there was much more to be said about this ending. This paragraph will discuss the relationship between the Bachelor and the Haruspex (of course) as well as the metanarrative of Pathologic classic, especially when it comes to the ends and in considering the Bachelor route in comparison to the Haruspex one.

During the Bachelor run, there is not a single chance to access the abandoned workshop the Haruspex works in, even trying to teleport into the workshop will fail, This comes with the precedent that as the Bachelor, you will not meet the Haruspex until the fifth day, from which point on he is only truly present for days 5,8,9, and of course, day 12. This is of course, a great disservice and the Pathologic 2 route should really have more Haruspex in it, however on a less tangential point, it a great difference from the haruspex route, in which the Bachelor appears for almost every single day of the playthrough, The Bachelor is likely to be the character the player interacts with the most, and over the game the connection between the two characters grows over time, with the Bachelor switching to use Artemy Burakh’s first name. However this closeness between the two is present throughout the entirety of the route, from the very first line the Bachelor speaks to the Haruspex (We will get to that later) to even the descriptions of quests and locations which the Haruspex takes note of, even I was surprised at just how much there was between these two in my first playthrough. All that builds to the point in which these two characters, at the very least, care for one another, deeply enough that the Haruspex has multiple dialogue options which are explicitly supportive of the Utopian ending within his Cathedral discussion with the Bachelor, with all but two of the dialogue branches allowing him to ask the Bachelor for his advice, and only one serving as a direct rejection. And that is what choosing the Termites ending in the Haruspex route is, a rejection, all throughout the route the Bachelor will attempt to convince the Haruspex of the validity of his ending, and in the Haruspex route, the Utopian ending is incredibly tied to the Bachelor, to Daniil Dankovsy, with the implication that if tower, if the last remainder of his research will not survive, that neither will he. Much like Aglaya, his fate is tied to the aspect of the town he is bound to protect. The Bachelor, who, while still placed as more antagonistic, still has his choice, his option for the ending still weighed as equally as the Inquisitor’s, the story places them as equals, “Two diverging pairs of decisions. Both pre-determined…” Which also clarifies that the Utopian ending was never less free than the Termite one, as they are both pre-written, scripted.

This leads into another extremely important aspect of Pathologic Classic HD, the meta, not only can you be reminded twice per round that the story is not real, but multiple characters and scenarios note that this is still a game, still a story the player is playing a part of. A big part of the meta story is the fact that the town is in fact, a sandbox, and the characters are merely dolls. The Polyhedron is a water container which was stuck into the sand, and the water within it had caused a mold, causing the sand pest within the reality of the characters. Removing the tower would help nothing; the mold has already spread, the only option forward is to remove the sand, or play somewhere else, which is what the destruction of the town means, the Utopian ending is the only one which actually, truly addresses this.

Another very meta aspect of the story is the relationship between the Haruspex and Bachelor, which is seen in the very first line spoken from the Bachelor to the Haruspex. The order the game suggests the routes is to begin with Bachelor, continue to Haruspex, and end with Changeling, and viewing the story as one continuous thing in that order adds a lot of depth to the story, with, “ Yes... Far be it from me to call myself a person of mystical inclinations. However, when I look at you, I get the feeling that nature is playing jokes on us. It's as if both the left and the right hand have clutched the head to realise for the first time that they are two parts of a single whole.” The Bachelor quickly disarms the player, not only is this statement a clear representation of the fact that they are two parts of a single whole, they are all healers, all part of the role the player plays, but this line is just plain out not something to say to someone you just met. Dankovsky continues his, less than normal interactions towards the Haruspex throughout the route, to the point that two of them have the closest connection here than almost any other two characters in any route, to the point even the developers themselves reflect upon it in that same dialogue I mentioned before, “Two diverging pairs of decisions… And then, you see, there were also feelings involved... Love.” While this can be applied to Aglaya instead, in the context of the conversation, which is Clara asking the developers about the two other healers specifically, that simply would not make sense. There is a lot more textual and meta evidence about these two, but I am straying off course too much already and this paragraph is already very very long, so we will just move swiftly back to the actual point of the essay :) (BUT YES I COULD WRITE A WHOLE ENTIRE THING ABOUT HOW DANIIL IS WRITTEN AS A LOVE INTEREST IN THIS ROUTE)

Let us not forget, however, a reason as to why the Bachelor wishes to destroy the town, and that is that Daniil is incredibly petty and jealous of Aglaya, from the initial curiosity at their initial meeting, “...She was so impressed by your dignified demeanour … What did you tell her that touched her so much?” To the outright spiteful, “My dear Burakh, she is your sacrifice! I don't think it is at all necessary to slit her throat with your own knife … if the town is destroyed, the head of Aglaya Lilich will be separated from her shoulders in less than a day.” He also partially agrees with Artemy that he seeks to keep the Polyhedron out of spite. However one must take into consideration the Bachelor’s route, in which he is consistently used and betrayed, the biggest offender being the Inquisitor herself. The only person who does not do so is the Haruspex, so it makes sense he would do quite literally anything to keep that being the case.

The fact is, Daniil Dankovsky suffers, in almost every single ending he is not at a good place, all of the endings from his own route for one, as that route is quite literally a tragedy, as well as the fact that Eva is dead in it, that also goes for Changeling route endings, as well as the fact that in that route he is in general incapable of a happy ending, which only leaves the Haruspex’s route for him to have any possibility of contentment (sorry g boy) Immediately we can also rule out the Termite ending in the Haruspex route, and in the Humbles ending he is the only one without a place, the Haruspex, as the Foreman, would still have a role to play, but Daniil would not, her victory is also the least rational one, and therefore, the hardest one for him to agree with. That leaves, of course, one ending, the Haruspex route Utopian ending, in which the Bachelor is not left in misery.

Other than that, this ending, just like all endings in which the player picks the ending of the bound other than their healers’ is a direct victory over fate, over the ‘set’ ending for the route. The executor, the stand-in for the developers in the ending of the game says as much, “The only enemy, the only evil in this story, you see, is called Inevitability…” This also lends itself to the idea that the belief that there is only one ‘right’ ending for each healer, that they should only be considered by their bound’s choice, is a wrong one. This refusal of fate, refusal of the ending implied to be the ‘correct’ choice of the Haruspex since the very beginning of the game, is the ultimate victory of the player, and of the characters with them.

In almost all discussion of the Pathologic endings, the only possibilities considered are the ones given, each healer choosing their own bound’s end, but Pathologic is far more dynamic than that. The story is asymmetrical, and so are its endings, which is why Bachelor’s route Utopian ending is quite possibly the most tragic, hopeless one, and the Haruspex route one is the complete opposite. There is no ‘good’ ending, of course, no, that would be too simple, however, there are some which are clearly better than others, and due to the future of the town, the impact this has on the Haruspex’s story, and arguably most importantly, the meta and interconnected aspects of this ending, it can be considered as a good ending. It is a belief that the Utopian ending in any context, is a bad one, however, in the words of the Haruspex himself, “Any choice is right as long as it’s willed.”

[trans-ralsei]

so true twitter user bloomfilters

[mollysunder]

When Ekko tells Heimerdinger, "It's not enough to give people what they need to survive, you have to give them what they need to live", it falls flat to me because Heimerdinger didn't even give Zaun the first part. Heimerdinger and the Council very clearly didn't even give Zaun the bare minimum in terms of support based on the air and water quality alone (nevermind most of Zaun lives in the ground too).

Frankly, the quote applies more to how Heimerdinger treated Topside, overly cautious to prevent the mistakes of the past in a way that can stifle innovation. And it's weird that when Heimerdinger puts it into practice in Zaun it's more him building elaborate toys for children vs utilities that could help out a fledgling community like the Firelights. It's giving neglectful parent that feeds kids sweets to cheer them up instead of cooking a meal.

[cthulhubert]

Reading the original Vampire Hunter D novels was a very fascinating experience that I can't actually recommend to anyone.

In most ways, they're very straight-forward pulpy adventure stories. Nothing about the plots or dialogue are compelling. The translation is competent at least.

But the world building is fascinating, rife with fun little details.It's like the author, Hideyuki Kikuchi thought of some off the wall stuff and threw it in for aesthetics, but then comes up with background to explains it, and then actually builds on that explanation, rather than leave it as a fig leaf.

The books are set post post post apocalypse. Humanity nearly wiped themselves out in a nuclear war, so the vampires and other creatures of the night came out of hiding and ruled for ten thousand years... and then started slowly but steadily declining. No longer strong enough to have total control over the world, but more than powerful enough to topple humanity's attempts to organize.

Humanity is in this weird pseudo-medieval state except they also have stuff like cyber-horses. Why? Because that's how the Aristocracy (the v-word is gauche) liked it!

Humanity has been genetically engineered with psychological blocks, such that if they ever learn about the vampires' great weaknesses (other than the sun: garlic, crosses, holy water) they'll immediately forget them!

It's ostensibly "pure sci-fi" because there's no magic. The story is clear about this. Vampires just have novel biology. That gives them telekinesis. (And hemokinesis too. I've always thought that should be a fundamental vampire ability. It's how they slurp every last drop of blood out of a human without needing to like suspend the body and let them bleed out. They also soak cloaks with the blood of virgins over the course of decades and end up with one they can control, to turn into shield or sword.)

D is your classic pulp-y OP protagonist (I compare him in my mind to Doc Savage). Made from the gametes of the Aristocracy's greatest scientist and genetic engineer (whose name also starts with D, wink wink nudge nudge), and his lover: humanity's greatest psychic. He was implanted with a parasite engineered to not take over his body and be helpful instead. He inherited an indestructible sword crafted by the greatest swordsmith who ever lived. He's equipped with a supercomputer in a pendent that can auto-hack most technological locks and defenses. He uses the same cyber-horses as everyone else, but because of his "ability to commune with their inner natures" can wring double performance out of them.

What started me thinking about this is the dhampir like protagonist of yet another forgettable Isekai story (actually, this was a "Returner" manhwa, a genre much more popular in Korea now, which involves people reincarnating back from isekai worlds, or traveling back in time, etc). This guy, like the protagonists of many stories, is so overpowered he is a geopolitical super-power embodied in a single person. That always takes me out of the story, because I can only think about how much responsibility that would entail in my mind, and these guys just use it to fuck around.

[casketscratch]

People talking about Severance who have no idea about the concept of dissociation is so fascinating to me because they just come at it with a completely different perspective in a way that tickles the English Grad part of my brain. Finding a hundred ways to describe and contextualize something I took for granted? Delicious. Digging into capitalism and alienation and survival mechanisms, humans coping with systems of pervasive coercive control, concepts of self and personhood in a dystopian hellscape that’s on some level an elaborate system of cognitive estrangement, the way people capitalism is inherently traumatizing, and on and on and on.

It’s basically everything I was fascinated by in my research in part because I didn’t have a way to articulate my own dissociation and I kept coming back to it going, there is something here, and I don’t know what, but there is something here. But now with the added perspective of years of therapy and learning about dissociation as an inherent survival mechanism that’s built into the brain. With the bonus of: Of course people would think they want this. Of course people watch this show and understand why people choose to be severed. I so get it. I want to write so much about it.

[appleflavoredkitkats]

the utopians lore im making rn...

[falindankovsky]

What do you think would be the best ending for Daniil?

My honest opinion I think the best ending for him is not going back to the capital (that’s implied to be a death sentence for him. But he could probably get by for a bit without detention at least long enough to collect his things and sort out his affairs.) but I also don’t think staying in the town is a good ending for him either? He doesn’t want to be there long term sure there’s people there he likes but that isn’t enough to keep a person in one place.

Pardon the projection for a moment but I’ve been in a situation where I liked the people but I loathed the place, I stayed there and became unhappy and resentful I slowly spiraled into depressive episodes. I think a similar thing would happen to him while you can argue he’d get used to it after a while! I don’t think that’s a good enough reason for him to stay there? I don’t think he’d want to stay there even if going ‘home’ is no longer in the cards.

Truthfully the best ending for him is going somewhere that’s unrelated to either place restarting his life (while difficult) would probably be his best bet. Also depending on who you view as alive post game the people he cares about in the town who’d be his only reason for staying….aren’t there anymore. I also think post canon he has survivors guilt and he would have ptsd (I think all three healers would actually but that’s not what we’re here discuss) I think the town in of itself would be a huge trigger for him. So staying there even for people he cares of would just be causing him further stress.

I don’t really think there’s a happy ending for him no matter the place he just has to continue living live moves forward no matter what happens to you, it’s sad but true what for you was an earth shattering event for the world isn’t more then just another Wednesday….you have to continue living with scars that won’t heal.

But anyone’s cool to disagree with me obviously but I personally think the best case scenario for him is moving to a brand city and keeping a low profile maybe if he plays his cards right he can be a professor for a university or he could go onto mentor a upcoming thanatologist….maybe he can help someone blossom where he wilted.

[bastards-utopia]

I need to figure some things out, therefore a hiatus.

I still have tons of ninjago fanarts that I haven't posted and tons of paleo art ideas. But besides my usual activity i am also gonna be working on more personal stuff like photography diploma projects.

Moreover, I plan to hop on art fight for a bit! Informations will be dropped when ill be ready.

[all-seeing-ifer]

although all things considered i feel like i just got edged by scott pilgrim's precious little musical

[aoelustious]

(A lil rambling on queer discourse outside and inside the fandom from a genderfluid bisexual)

One of the most enduring tensions within queer communities — especially as queerness becomes more visible in media, fandom, and state-sanctioned institutions — is the question of assimilation vs radicalism. And no, this isn’t new. We’ve been circling this debate since at least the post-Stonewall era, and arguably since before the term “homosexual” was even coined.

I. “Normalization” as Strategy

The move to normalize queerness — to make queer relationships legible to heteronormative society through things like marriage, monogamy, parenthood, or even just public respectability — has roots in practical survival.

Think: the Human Rights Campaign’s messaging, “Love is love,” marriage equality, queer representation in sitcoms and yogurt commercials.

This direction can be read as a bourgeois political strategy (Duggan, 2002), often referred to as “homonormativity.” It prioritizes “acceptable” queer subjects (cis, middle-class, often white, often masc) who resemble their straight counterparts as closely as possible — except for the gender of their partner.

And it’s true: this has tangible benefits. Legal protections. Cultural legitimacy. Safety.

But this approach also comes with costs. It sidelines queer people who don’t fit the norm — trans people, poly folks, kinky folks, poor people, disabled people, racialized people. It risks transforming queerness from a challenge to dominant systems… into a rebranding of them.

II. “Preserve Queerness” as Resistance

On the flip side, there are those who argue that queerness should remain fundamentally oppositional. That queerness is not just about who we love — it’s about how we live, what we disrupt, how we imagine new futures.

Think: José Esteban Muñoz’s Cruising Utopia, in which queerness is positioned as something not yet here, something utopian, always pointing beyond what is.

Here, the critique is not just of heteronormativity, but of the institutions that structure all our lives — the nuclear family, capitalism, the state, colonial timelines of success. “Queer” is a method, not just an identity. A verb, not just a noun.

But this view can also become rigid. When queerness is defined only by its capacity to reject, it risks becoming inaccessible to those who do want things like marriage or kids — especially if those things weren’t always accessible to them before. We shouldn’t turn queerness into a test people must pass to be “valid.”

III. And Yes, This Applies to Your Fanfic Discourse

This debate resurfaces constantly in fan spaces:

– Is shipping fixed top/bottom roles inherently heteronormative?

– Is using seme/uke language a form of internalized oppression?

– Is “switch hate” in fandom actually just queerphobia in disguise?

And the answer is… it depends. But more importantly, intention and context matter.

Queer codes like top/bottom, bear/twink, fem/butch emerged from the queer community as tools of navigation, identity, intimacy, and play. That they’re sometimes messy, stereotyped, or commodified doesn’t erase their history or usefulness. And yes — these codes have always intersected with fandom culture. Sometimes clumsily. Sometimes joyfully.

Fandom is not a political campaign. It’s a liminal space where fiction, fantasy, and projection collide — and trying to impose rigid moral frameworks onto it flattens the complex emotional and cultural labor happening there.

If you critique top/bottom dynamics in fic because you believe they replicate heteropatriarchal logic — fine. That’s a discussion worth having. But if your critique shames people for their preferences, you’re reproducing the same moral purity logic you claim to oppose.

IV. The Problem of the Queer Police

The worst-case scenario here is that we start using queerness not as liberation, but as a tool of internal policing. When queerness becomes something that must be performed correctly to be respected, it loses its radical potential.

If your queerness is only valid when it aligns with a particular brand of politics or aesthetics, we’re not breaking binaries — we’re just building new ones.

Queerness contains multitudes. It can be domestic or deviant. Normie or revolutionary. Tender or obscene. Apolitical or hyper-political. And it is still queerness.

To quote Eve Sedgwick:

“People are different from each other.”

And that includes how they ship, write, love, protest, fuck, and self-identify.

We don’t have to collapse queerness into one monolithic definition to protect it. We just have to trust that its range is part of what gives it power.

[buggachat]

To be clear, I goddamn hated the finale on first watch. I was withering in my seat. My heart had dropped to my stomach. I had no fucking idea what I was watching in that final scene lmao

and then Adrien said "when Ladybug gave me the rings—" and I was like— wait. LADYBUG? LADYBUG STILL EXISTS?

I THOUGHT THE ENTIRE TIMELINE HAD BEEN REWRITTEN 😭😭😭😭 I THOUGHT LADYBUG AND CHATN OIR DIDNT UFCKING EXIST uNTIL ADRIEN SAID THAT I WAS SO SO SO SCARED

and then I realized, oh wait. This isn't a complete utopian timeline rewrite. This is just a timeskip of a few months and Mme Bustier is just a kickass mayor. In fact, she's only mayor BECAUSE it's still the same timeline. And then I realized, hey, wait, if they didn't rewrite the timeline, then how tf is Emilie casually there with no questions?

And then I realized she was wearing black. And Félix was there. And I remembered Amelie exists.

Basically, I went into the finale chanting to myself "it's okay, it's okay... they probably wont bring Emilie back... they probably won't rewrite the entire timeline permanently.... right? please....", even though I didn't actually expect it to happen, but just because I was terrified that it could. And apparently that fear actually got to me so much that I misinterpreted the episode as being everything I didn't want it to be... when... it actually wasn't that at all

anyway, all of this is to say, everything in the episode happens so fast that it confused and terrified me at first. And when I realized what had happened, my opinion went from "my year is ruined" to "oh. well. okay. kind of disappointing, I guess". And then I kept thinking about it, and the ending, and all that is set up and rewatching the scenes and all the loose ends still in place and.... i realized I loved it?

like, every time I think about this finale, I love it more. every time i rewatch a scene, I get a little obsessed. this episode went from my nightmare to actually really really cool to me, and I'm still kind of reeling from it

Basically, this is why I've been kind of passionately defending the finale— not because I think people who don't like it are """dumb""" or anything, I don't blame people at all for that, and I totally get the confusion. I was confused too. And I know I'm not the only one who went in preparing themselves for the worst, or went in with very specific expectation on what will happen, because this finale has been long awaited for so long. I think everyone was shocked with how it ended. I think most people probably startled at Amelie's face (it's so easy to forget she exists....)

Anyways, I started this post basically as an apology for if I seem too aggressive or defensive about the finale. Because I get it! I get hating it! I get being disappointed or frustrated or confused! Part of why I'm so defensive is because I have all the arguments so ready on the tip of my tongue because I had the very same argument with myself already 😭 So I'm sorry if any of my posts came off as too aggressive and in advance for any future posts that might. I promise promise promise I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for having bad opinions on the finale! I just think this episode is really cool and the fact I related to a lot of the nay-sayers makes it easy to feel so impassioned about it.

But this post is getting off the rails and I'm just gonna let it, because some of my regrets w my participation in fandom is that I find myself chickening out of actually talking about my thoughts on episodes a lot. I get kind of overwhelmed and overthink everything after I've posted it and I'm a shy person. But my inbox is closed and this is the season 5 finale and I want to ramble and ramble so I will allow myself this

Basically, I went in with some very specific expectations for this episode. We all know about the Hawkmoth defeat story. Many of us have read it in fics over and over again, it was teased in Chat Blanc, we all know what we expect, we all know our favorite beats from it.

And what actually happened....... met virtually none of those beats. (For me, at least).

Like, Adrien wasn't there for the final episode. At all. He was completely absent from the confrontation. He never found out his father was Hawkmoth. He got his rings, but he never found out he was a sentimonster. He is living in the dark.

Ladybug confronted Monarch... alone. Which is sad, when so much of the series is dedicated to the partnership of her and Chat Noir. Them against the world....... and Monarch was "defeated" with nary a Chat Noir in sight.

The whole entire "Gabriel is known as a hero" thing. I don't think anybody was expecting that. Absolutely shocking.

The fact Marinette would lie to Adrien like that. The fact she's keeping so much from him. The fact everyone is. SO MANY people in Adrien's life (Marinette, Plagg, Nathalie, Felix, Amelie, Kagami, probably Alya, maybe more I'm not thinking of....) are just... lying to him, now. He is so in the dark. He knows nothing.

But.........

I kind of like that I didn't predict nearly any of this. I like that it caught me off guard. I love how this show just completely baffles me at every turn, how it will present concepts and ideas to me that I've never read a fic about.

In retrospect, Chat Noir being absent from the final battle... makes sense. It actually makes a lot of sense, if I think about it, because... there is only one possible way that could've gone, right? Chat Noir would not be allowed to have the emotional implosion that he would have to have. This is devastating. This is SO devastating. This is the entire shattering of Adrien's entire world we're talking about, and Chat Blanc is the only real way for that to end. Adrien has an emotional implosion in front of Monarch, he gets akumatized, it turns into an emotion explosion, extinction event. The end. We've already seen it.

And........ even if it didn't end that way, even if he managed to avoid akumatization...... how could the finale satisfyingly end on that note? How could it end in any semblance of a "wrapped up" way, at the very start of Adrien's emotional breakdown? It couldn't. I wouldn't WANT it to. In retrospect, Adrien finding out his dad is Monarch and then.... what? The season ends on a close-up of him crying? The season ends with a time-skip to the new school year where they skipped his entire grieving period!? I would HATE that, actually. I would hate that. I thought I wanted it, but I would hate it. I would hate it so so so much.

What's kind of amazing is that the finale ended with Monarch being defeated.... but Adrien still has those realizations to make. He still has those betrayals to come to terms with. There is time for him to make these realizations, for him to come to these conclusions, perhaps one at a time, perhaps in a more controlled environment.... and that gets me far, far more excited for the seasons to come than an episode that tried to wrap it all up in the last 5 minutes.

Also, the reason Adrien didn't go to the final battle was because he feared becoming Chat Blanc. He didn't know the truth to it, didn't understand that literally, yes, that's what would have happened if he was there, even if he hadn't been under a nightmare curse. But he still knew. He still expected it. He willingly chose to sit it out, no matter how much he hated it, because he knew. And there's something kind of powerful to that, I think, of Adrien making a choice that is so unequivocally the Correct choice, even more than he realized. And the strength it took for him to make that decision...... damn.

As for the lies and the Gabriel statue? I... it's upsetting, but it's supposed to be. And I believe it. I absolutely believe it. I 10000% believe Marinette would keep the secret of Monarch's identity to herself to try to save Adrien the pain. I 10000% believe that the population could easily be led to believe a famous billionaire is a hero. I 10000% believe that Adrien would WANT to believe it. I 10000% believe Tomoe would take advantage of it.

And I can't wait to see that illusion crumble.

Also.... this is the beginning of The Lila arc.

And the Lila arc begins on........ Marinette telling the biggest, boldest face lie she ever told. The Lila arc begins on the most extreme city-wide illusion we've ever seen. It begins on such a huge fabrication and....

..... it's Marinette's lie.

............ and Lila knows that it's a lie.

I'm

!!?!?!?!

This is so fucking cool???? The irony here??? the deceit???? All these loose ends, all the possible confrontations, all the ways this could GO. I don't know where the show is taking this, obviously, because nobody ever can predict where this show is going apparently (and I love it for that), but oh my god. I'm imagining all the fics I could read about this. all the fics I could write. all the thoughts and scenarios that this finale has provided me with to daydream about as I go to sleep.

Adrien, going through the motions of life. Looking up to his father as a hero, despite the fact the last time he saw him, Adrien was sobbing, in tears, and cursing his name. Adrien, after all the abuse he was subject to, having to look up at a statue of his father and...... be forced to think that maybe he was wrong about his father. But he's not wrong. He WASN'T wrong. He just THINKS that he is. His father is going to continue to loom over his life in ways I never expected post-hawkmoth. Adrien's relationship with Gabriel has not ended, a new and terrifying and horrible new chapter of it has simply begun, and Adrien is still as manipulated by his father's ghost as he was by his father himself.

THAT'S. WILD!!!

also, Adrien now believes that MONARCH MURDERED HIS FATHER. Chat Noir now believes that his greatest nemesis KILLED HIS FATHER. CHAT NOIR, resident self-sacrificer, believes that HIS FATHER was a HERO who DIED FIGHTING MONARCH. Adrien thinks that maybe he should be more like his father— more like his father who died in battle. This is. Not Good. For Adrien.

And it's Marinette that started this. Well intentioned Marinette, who doesn't really understand the extent of the horrors. Marinette, Adrien's girlfriend, the person he trusts most. She did this.

And, I mean.... god. I totally get how this sucks for a lot of people, because it's objectively upsetting.... but I LOVE lovesquare tension. Season 4 is probably my favorite season for that reason alone (still mulling over if season 5 beat it for me). I love the relationship drama, I love that it's in character drama, I love how it fits everything we know about them sososo well, I love that it's horrible and it's terrible and it's awful and it's all because Marinette loved Adrien too much to want to hurt him.

I was worried no reveal would mean that season 6 would just be... what? adrienette fluff? not that I don't love that, but where's the drama? well. there it is. that's the drama.

I need to stop typing this. I know this is abysmally long and ranty and if you read all of this then I'm sorry. But I wanted to get some of my thoughts out.

But basically, I was expecting a lot of things for the finale.

In my best case scenario, it would somehow, miraculously tie up and address all the loose ends with Adrien's angst and character arc in two episodes.... and then end with me totally satisfied, ready to only half-heartedly watch season 6 like it was just a small dessert after the main course.

And I already described my worst case scenario (my first impression of the episode lmao)

But it wasn't that. I was expecting a series finale, but I got a season finale. And I love season finales. I love how they keep me wanting more. I love how excited I am for season 6, because in both my best and worst case scenarios, I honestly didn't expect to be. I love all the new ideas and thoughts and scenarios swirling around in my brain. And even if season 6 doesn't address some of the things I want addressed, I'm so excited to see the creative content in this fandom that DOES

[bloodchapell]

castle of sand — senku i. 16: stone world adoption

brief summary: all about baking iron and cooking ramen

what to expect: just fluff, minor mentions of suicide(?)

your sword's note: kinda mixed two different days together but it makes sense better like that in my head so meh, all past and future parts + playlist of this series available on my mistresslist

Manpower was a must-have.

"If I was a villager, I would mind my business and not join us." You said sitting with your arms crossed. 

"Well that's just about what they think." Chrome shrugged. "In your time, how would you get people to do what you wanted?"

"That is in itself a whole discussion. Let's see, pure mutual collaboration and interest, manipulation, torture, slavery, late-stage capitalism, that was the one we experienced." You said with your hand on your chin. "It was a system which originated as a form of exchange, for example say you have this brilliant rock that was really hard to get and its really rare, you would not exchange it for something like a simple plate of food, instead it would hold a higher value. People eventually would have no way to carry all their important objects with them and so, a placeholder for value was created: money, whether it was coins, little circular shaped metals that indicated different values, or bills, made out of paper, a flat material derived from plants. Powerful people would exploit those with less resources and force them to work in order to access necessities like living and food." 

"What, that is bad, not in the good way..." Chrome said, baffled. 

"See how you can just build your own stuff in this world and no one owns anything? In our world, you had to do work in exchange for money, and with that money you could pay the government for a piece of land, you could acquire food that someone else hunted and transported to you, things like that. I do not precisely agree with that economic system, not in a Tsukasa way, but with a more utopian view."

"Damn." Chrome shook his head. 

"It's about balance." You smiled. 

"What a commie." Senku shook his head. 

The day went by slowly. Suika was assigned to spy on the villagers and what they could want in exchange for helping with the hellish oxygenation of the iron sand baking. You came back from the river after a quick shower, drying your hair, and sat in front of Senku so he could brush it with his fingers. He thought again of your hair getting longer, it was something that plagued his mind in a rather simplistic manner, not overly obsessive or subtly, simply prominent and lacking any depth. He brushed your hair, with efficiency, the efficiency of almost a year of doing so every day. 

"I haven't heard you say 'what is it that you are doing' in the longest time." Senku called, pulling your head back so you could look at him upside down. You blinked erratically, then laughed.

"I know what you are up to these days, no need to thread myself like a badly sewn patch onto your activities." You looked at him upside down. "You don't despise me anymore to shush me away, ah, the days of long forgotten loneliness, what a hazy memory of the past, but is it only a memory if the ever-instantaneous moment remains stretched as time blends within itself?"

"Back to the rambles, if you are fully recovered from the hardships of life, how about you make me a sandwich."

"Men used to go to war, you know? Now all they do is complain." You pushed his head. 

"What is a sandwich?" Suika came back rolling around. 

"Suika!" You exclaimed happily, dropping to your knees dramatically to hug her. "Senku, we are inventing bread, Suika wants a sandwich." 

"I thought you were far too young to be a mother and all of that." Senku huffed.

"Well yes but she was born already, there is no sending her back to the children’s factory." You shrugged, taking the girl's hand. "Honestly though, I don't want to take the place of Suika's actual mom."

"I didn't meet my mom or dad." Suika whispered unaffected. You dropped to her feet when hearing that. 

"Suika, let me adopt you..." 

"You are not adopting a kid." Senku intervened immediately.

"That's probably what people told your dad, the only difference is I am not picking up an evil gremlin." 

"Would that really be alright?" Suika asked, probably not understanding what her adoption would entice.

"Of course it would be...." You said defeated on the ground. 

"Okay." With a smile Suika nodded. 

You beamed. 

Kohaku came back from the campfire, and greeted Suika back. Chrome followed after her. 

"I'm adopted!" Suika cheered. 

"Wow, good for you!" Chrome congratulated her.

"Don't encourage this!" Senku yelled. 

"Suika's parents died when she was really, really small, she doesn’t have anyone to take care of her. I think no one is more apt to adopt her, after all it's our dear Kingdom of Science chief, a total professional thinker, a tender and warm person." Kohaku nodded in approval. 

"I am the king of this kingdom." 

It was too late. Senku had to agree to Suika's adoption. 

You all sat by the fire, sharing the fish that Chrome and Kohaku had cooked. Suika shared her intel about what the villagers desired, the sparkly sisters wanted a man, each one specifying what their preferences were. Kind of a dead end with the boyfriend topic, aside from the one who wanted to be fed, which led to Suika mentioning the village glutton wanting more food. 

"If it comes to cooking, I think you got what it takes." Kohaku told you. 

"You cook really well!" Suika also mentioned and Chrome nodded. 

"So what are we cooking?" You asked Senku. 

He stayed quiet for a second, taking his time thinking about what could blow the villagers mind while using the limited resources. It took a while, you didn't disturb his train of thought, and as you waited, Suika introduced her dog to you. You petted it and when it didn't bite you, you were grateful for its trust in you. Senku got distracted by your interaction with the animal, seeing Suika bringing the stem of a plant to play with the dog. He recognized it to be foxtail millet, and explained how something modern could be cooked with it. Kohaku and Chrome agreed, and Suika said she would show you the field where she found the plant in the morning. 

“Goodnight my glorious angel.” You hugged Kohaku, and then knelt in front of Suika. "Goodnight honey, if I could put you to bed I would tell you a bed night story, but I’m sure I will be able to do so later.” You hugged the girl too and she hugged back. 

“You couldn’t even wait until we were actually divorced to make a new family huh?” Senku said with his arms crossed. 

“Well what do you care? Tell that to my lawyer.” You shrugged and he laughed. You both got in the hut. It was organized as always, you laid down but Senku didn’t. “What are you waiting for?”

He stayed quiet and opened the doors of the hut, simply letting the breeze in, his eyes were looking up. “We are back to normality, aren’t we?”

“Oh that, for sure, I had missed it quite a lot.” You sat up and moved to his side by the entrance. “Once again the warmth of home, the sense of calm with the reestablishment of routine, the comfort of stargazing, ah… the summer is approaching, what a hell.”

He shook his head, by that point he was used to it, and had graduated from ramble-ology with honors. Gradually, the exhaustion from the failed iron baking and the lack of proper rest caught up to him, and he started getting closer to the floor after resting on his hands, then on his elbows and finally giving up and laying down, but you patted your legs and after a frown and an eye roll he complied, resting his head on your lap. Almost automatically your hand went to his cheek, caressing it idly while your eyes evaluated the sky in silence. Senku had learned that your silence was as loud as your words sometimes, and he attributed that particular silence to the same exhaustion he had. His eyes diverted back to the sky, but it took more work to look at the stars so he settled on looking at you instead. 

“Why did you adopt Suika?”

“Every kid should have a reliable adult to help them navigate life.”

“You’re barely an adult.”

“I’ll be a bastard and say that between Chrome or Kohaku, I am the best option.” You looked at him and pinched his cheek. “Additionally I am well over millennia old, that shall be enough. Why are you against it, hater? You are adopted too.”

“I would say that being a parent is a lot of responsibility, plus you have known her for two days.”

“Arguably, so is reviving humanity after cataclysm.” You smiled. “Don’t you like single moms?”

“What the fuck…”

“I like you, but my child comes first.” 

Senku laughed. You kept caressing his cheek and looking at the sky. Suika reminded you of yourself as a kid, in an odd way you could not precisely pinpoint. Senku realized too, even plainly from the way Suika would talk about herself, he had seen it before, in you, so it only made sense that you wanted to take care of her, maybe do for her what no one did for you. He sighed, in a manner just like yours, and after a while he pulled your hand. You took a last look at the sky before closing the doors and lying down beside him. 

Once you were lying down too, Senku opened his arms, not in an endearing way, it was more of a ceremonial act, something automatic. 

"We got this, okay?" You said as you hid him in your arms, caressing his hair. "We will cook something amazing, sway the masses our way, save Kohaku's sister, defeat Tsukasa, have Yuzuriha and Taiju back, bring back civilization, all the good stuff. It may feel precipitous or rather untimely, but we surely can, you can, and I will help you along the way too as a dutiful wife who is soon to be your ex-wife, full-time neighbor, first citizen of the kingdom, associate archenemy even, okay? Don't fret, we will sit victorious at the end."

"I'm not fretting." Senku rolled his eyes, his forehead resting against your collarbone, your faint scent making him feel sleepier. 

"Remember that I have known you for virtually most of my life, I came to learn what each twitch of your grimace means, and even so, at the present uncertainty and ominous future, reassurance and support is only logical." You smiled. "I can just feel the uneasiness in you, and since you are embarrassed to engage in normal human socialization and I can't comfort you during the day when we are busy, I will make sure to lift your spirits before we sleep so you don't have more nightmares."

"You won't take no for an answer." Senku said, not a question, a statement.

"That's right! If you really think about it, I'm saving myself, my wife and my daughter from the evil tyrant of the kingdom and his decree of exploitation." You tickled his neck. "Who is also my soon-to-be ex-husband, woah, the dilemmas of the kingdom would entice the best gossip."

"Whatever, just go to sleep. Goodnight."

"You said it first." 

"Shut the hell up."

A few giggles and then you were out cold. He shook his head and slept too, his cheek pressing against you with more consistency than before.

The next day came by fast, Suika knocked on the door of the hut early in the morning, waking you and Senku both. 

"I think it's time we sleep only with our extremities touching, summer is here after all, you are normally cold but oddly warm when we sleep." You said with your eyelids heavy, taking a strand of hair out of your mouth. 

"Ew, stop drooling in your sleep."

"Good morning! Kohaku and Chrome are ready to go to the field." Suika said, opening one of the doors, peeking through the door. "Why aren't you ready? Are you sick so you stay asleep so late?"

You and Senku looked at each other in silence, and got ready in a hurry to not make them wait. The walk was probably the longest part of the journey, Chrome and Kohaku knew some of the spots as you walked around. Suika stopped for a second, leaning down to re-tie her shoes. 

"Do you want me to pick you up?" You asked and she looked confused. 

"Why?" 

"Well, normally that is what people do with kids." You explained and she shrugged. You picked her up and kept walking. "I remember that when I was a kid, my mom made me walk a lot, everywhere, she would get mad if I complained, she walked fast and I couldn't keep up because my legs were too short."

"Do you miss the people from the old world that are statues?" Chrome asked, getting distracted from his conversation with Senku. 

"Not really. Me and my parents didn't get along, and I have no friends." Almost like a reflex you said. Senku frowned. 

"We are your friends now!" Chrome and Kohaku responded immediately. 

"And family!" Suika hugged you. You laughed, but nodded and kept walking, not dwelling much on the topic. 

The field became visible after a while, and once you all reached it, Kohaku started cutting the plants and the rest picking them up. Once the two baskets were full, you walked back to the village and the culinary show started. First, you all had to beat the branches against rocks so the grains could come loose, then wash them, strained it, ground them, and finally mix the powdered flour with eggs to make it into the precise consistency. 

"It is up to you from now." Senku gave you a few bowls and the food, and so you rolled up imaginary sleeves and started working, seasoning, appropriate timing, you even thought of your mom coming home and it made you tweak out but in an efficient way. After an hour or so, the food was ready. 

Suika and Kohaku watched, with a lack of trust in their faces, but Chrome decided to try it, and as expected, his unrefined palate was fascinated, and so was Suika's and Kohaku's.

You smiled pleased, sitting on the ground. You slid a bowl to Senku, and he didn't hesitate to take it. 

"This is horrible..." He sat defeated. "The soup on itself is good, the meat, the vegetables, but these foxtail noodles suck." 

You took the plate and gave it a try, it was like eating grass. 

"It works, we are not recruiting food critics, only primitive people." You patted his back. 

"You are right! Get up citizens! We are building something." 

"Is it a store? A food truck? Delivery app?" You asked excitedly. "I always dreamt of working in a cozy restaurant."

"Food truck, kinda." Senku nodded. After eating, Chrome and Suika went for materials, some bamboo, a pot, cutlery. 

Building the truck took half a day, still shorter than the actual trip to the field of foxtail millet. You cut the bamboo and tied together the wheels, mounted the counter, all while Senku watched and complained about the inefficiency and lack of symmetry despite not participating. 

"I brought this!" Suika showed a seashell with holes, which she started blowing into and making sounds like an ocarina. 

"So this will be our dynamic." You started. "Senku is the greedy business owner who doesn't allow us to eat within premises. I will be store manager, Kohaku is the talkative chef and server, Suika is my child who does homework in the corner and Chrome is the new hire." 

"I like your magic words." Chrome agreed. 

"This is not a school play." Senku scolded.

Soon, the villagers started coming, and you served them one after the other, feeling pleased at their compliments of the food. 

"Look, is the sparkly sisters." Chrome pointed with a gossipy face. "Aren't you jealous that they are flirting with Senku?"

"I am not really a jealous person, but I can see why that would cause jealousy..."

"Why? Is that part of being a thinker?" Chrome asked and you smiled proud at his inquiries.

"Not precisely, I think it is simply within my nature. Regardless, regular people have a hard time fully understanding Senku despite finding him charming, I understand people easily and not only that, I have seen him roll down the hill of insanity and know him as the palm of my own hand, whatever measly conversation he has with someone won't compare to the power and information I have over him."

"Remind me of not getting on your bad side." 

The business was booming, despite no money being involved, you felt satiated with every good verbal review of the food. You took some time to analyze the villagers, who all had very similar characteristics and not much variation, so hence a small genetic pool of ancestors. 

"Ah. This ramen is making me wickedly thirsty. A cola would be great." An unknown voice mentioned. 

"I dislike the idea of soup and soda, get out of my business... No, these innocent people do not know carbonated beverages and their dangerously high sugar levels." You pointed out immediately startled. 

Kohaku, Kinro and Ginro were quick to jump and surround the stranger. Kohaku asked some questions, like if he was with Tsukasa. He introduced himself as Gen Asagiri, and said he was wandering alone, after some back and forth between Kohaku and him, you touched the blonde's shoulder and stepped in. 

"Hey, a beauty! Are you another villager?" Gen asked with a smile, you took his hands.

"Hands too unrefined, for these perfect stitches on your clothes. There are no sewing machines or mass produced pieces in this world, and you don't cut it for having the type of fine motor skills needed. Additionally, if you were truly alone and somehow managed to sew your clothes perfectly, how did you manage to dye your jacket purple? Leather does not normally come in that color, does it? So what natural ingredient did you use?" 

"I used a flower I found around." 

"Lies." You pointed at him.

"I see who you are now! It is a wonder you are alive!" Gen clapped.

"Everyone who eats, works." Senku interrupted and guided the mentalist towards the furnace. His red eyes met yours, a silent acknowledgment of the situation. Your eyes pointed to Gen, asking Senku if you should do something, but he scrunched his nose only so slightly, telling you to wait, so you grabbed Suika's hands and sat down overseeing the operations, cutting in slices a peach you had saved up and eating with her, she took the watermelon off her head and ate the slices. Her brown eyes reminded you of someone. 

Senku approached Gen after a while, once he was exhausted from working, a tactic too obvious, but you remained sitting with Suika laying on your lap as you caressed her hair. The conversation was a pain to hear, lacking complexity and the mental games you would have expected from Gen. 

"Taiju's strength seems to never run out, and Yuzuriha is as diligent as ever, but you know that, right Senku?" Gen smiled wickedly despite the physical exertion. 

Suika fell asleep, so you gently put her head on the grass and walked up to Senku. 

"You actually made Tsukasa believe you killed yourself." Gen mumbled as he worked, your attention and Senku's immediately diverting to his words. "His description was oddly accurate, 'calm ethereal girl, with a turmoiled heart, complicated words, even more complicated thoughts', I'd say that's you. Tsukasa talked to me about both of you, and when he sent me to confirm that Senku was dead, he did not ask me to confirm if you were dead or not, it makes sense."

"You know I can see right through you right?" You asked Gen, approaching him more. "So what happened to you? In your childhood? Was it your parents? They didn't take their arguments away from you, was that it? How did you escape? Is this how you cope, with trying to understand the human mind? How many friends would you say you have?"

"My, you are indeed a scary one." Gen smiled, his eyes closed, afflicted by your words. "It takes an insane amount of pain to deduce that so easily, doesn't it?"

"I bow before you at the mutual recognition." You stood your ground, leaving Chrome and Kohaku speechless after the exchange. After asking one of the villagers if they had recuperated their energies, you grabbed Gen by the collar of his clothes and dragged him to a more secluded area, Senku followed along. "What do you want?"

"What do you mean, dear?"

"Confirming a fact you deduced to be true before even engaging is an easy task, so if you bothered playing along with this all is because your twisted mind is turning its gears. Confess, before I beat you up."

"I have a hunch you would." A nervous smile from Gen. "It was indeed easy, but after seeing all of this, if you make iron weapons, who knows who will come on top. I want to be on the winning side."

"I anticipate that you will give me a grandiose fake speech scheme on your lack of morality and shallowness and contrast the good sides of each part. So before I lose my thinning self control, I will leave this to Senku." You gently pulled Senku to your side.

"It is true, that is truly the extent of my concern. On one hand, there's the scientific creations and ramen and all that. But hellish, back breaking work is just not my style. On the other hand, Tsukasa's settlement lacks science and the food is rather plain. But my work is easy. And if I revive a few hot celebs, I could have the harem of my dreams." Gen nodded.

"What's a harem?" Suika asked, appearing by your side suddenly, rubbing her eyes.

"No!" You exclaimed, picking the girl up. "This part is up to you Senku, if it all goes wrong, I will slap him until he is gone for good."

"You should be grateful for having her grant such a mercy, I would not want to be slapped by that iron fist." Senku told Gen as you walked away with Suika, gently telling her that sometimes it was not good to eavesdrop.

Senku and Gen talked, you heard some of it, most of it was irrelevant, aside from a single word: "Generator". Suika asked what that was, and so you explained, but it developed into a series of questions of what that was and that and that; you sighed but smiled, shaking your head and explaining time after time. 

Night fell upon the settlement quickly, and luckily you escaped participating in the iron baking. Once it was time to sleep, you dropped Suika off at the bridge, hugging Kohaku, then the girl, wishing Kinro and Ginro a good night and walking back to the hut. 

"Get off the ceiling, what if you fall?" You shooed at Senku. Then turned to look at Gen. "Sleep under the hut, in case it rains, don't try anything funny." 

"I thought you hated me." Gen pouted.

"If you offend me I won't react, I know me better than you do." You shrugged and climbed the stairs to the hut. "Do not give me a reason to hate you."

"Bad mood?" Senku asked once he got off the ceiling and closed one of the doors of the hut.

"Well naturally..." While sighing like if you were a deflating balloon, you nodded. "It is easy swaying around a bat like Gen, but it makes me uneasy, it feels as if though we have run away, we are within the claws of evil, like a bad curse, ah I wonder what is the reason behind it, bad luck? My brain is tired, but I want to think about everything."

"Do not fry your brain when we need it, as much as it is a bother."

"A bother indeed, take me back to the days of unconsciousness." You extended your hand as your back hit the floor. 

"I have extremely bad luck, but you bring a new variable to the table, what should I call it...? Maybe 'saved by a millimeter', something ridiculous, but seems to have worked out until now, so we will rely on my science brain, whatever your brain runs on and 'saved by a millimeter' and we got it, plus we have the slaves now... I mean, estimated citizens."

"It sounds like a superpower." You yawned, Senku was looking at the stars, you took a lazy glance before closing your eyes to rest for a second only to fall asleep. It was a curious occurrence, even if your body was exhausted, you could stay awake, but if your mind was only slightly tired you needed to sleep immediately. 

Senku sighed when he noticed you had fallen asleep, so he moved you to a comfortable position and laid down too. His eyes stayed open for longer, trying to make sense of the shadows of your face. You were asleep and gone, so his hand climbed to your cheek, and he simply let his fingertips graze your skin like you had done to him the previous night. 

taglist: @thelonestarinthesky, @bookworm-center, @iheartpieck

[betty-fran]

While talking to N recently about Star Trek (all my recent chatting leads to this, and I'm pretty sure my sister hates it), we got caught up in the topic of utopianism and how it's depicted in TOS, which got me thinking about a couple of things, so it's a little not-really-quality-near-philosophical rambling...

We tend to perceive the idea of ​​utopia as that promised land, that ultimate outcome to which humanity should strive, the pure creation that is opposed to the absolute destruction of dystopia. But in our multi-tonal, ambiguous, contradictory world, where change is the only constant and where the constancy of laws is only an attempt to resist the chaos of entropy, this forever remains in the realm of the impossible, and utopian becomes a household word for naive, idealistic dreams, completely disconnected from reality. And in this perception, in my opinion, we lose the most important idea that the concept of utopia carries, and which completely changes the angle of its perception and attitude towards it. Utopia is not an ultimate outcome, but a striving towards it. Not the destination, but the journey itself. The path that we can choose. We'll never reach this abstract ideal world, because it contradicts existence itself, but we can try to become better and kinder ourselves.

And that's the utopianism of the original Star Trek. The 23rd century we're shown (obviously) isn't perfect, but it's striving for it. TOS, and this is probably the most accurate comparison I've found for myself, is a kind of message in a bottle left to us by Roddenberry. It tells us not "this is what the ideal future should be like," but "this is what the path to it should be like." And there is a noticeable difference between these two things.

The very structure of the plot in TOS, its similarity to the Odyssey in this journey lost in time and space (and emphasized isolated in it), makes it almost mythological. This is read in how the Enterprise, making its way through deep space, like that bottle with a message, carries within itself all the best that humanity is, but in a certain way, separates itself from the rest of the world. And this brings me back to thoughts that the 23rd century's reality that we are shown (obviously) isn't perfect, and that a (quite unconventional) captain like Kirk, as well as his (no less unconventional) entire crew, is still more of an exception than a rule there. Contrary to my expectations (largely dictated by what I've seen about him before), TOS Kirk as a character is generally very far from this idea of ​​Starfleet's golden boy and the model captain. That's what you could say about Pike, but Kirk, while obviously a good captain, is much more of a pirate than a soldier. In general, they are both, Kirk and Spock are not portrayed as people who truly fit into the environment in which they were raised. And although this is more logically explained in Spock, who has objective difficulties with (not) belonging to both of his heritages and is constantly in a state of in-between, it is in Kirk that it's especially feeling, in his, let's say, absolute impossibility of being not himself in the full (rather theatrical) manifestation of this, being inscribed in any specific normative role, which is noticeable both in his gender ambivalence/personal flexibility/amazing ability to change and in his frank discomfort with any roles that restrict his deeply personal freedom, and strangely enough, his integrity as a character is most fully expressed precisely in this chameleon-like versatility.

It was in @anghraine 's post about Kirk's queerness : "This is not only a vision of the future in general. It's a vision of the future that is decidedly imperfect but better enough to produce someone like this as a starship captain." and it very aptly and succinctly captures the very essence of what TOS is, and it really stuck in my head. Both K and S face some non-acceptance and rejection from others throughout the series, and they both have this "I only belong here on the bridge next to my people" mentality, not so much because it's their professional choice, but because it's really the only place where they can be themselves most fully, which feels like a certain conflict with the outside world (not that Vulcans or most Starfleet members are really particularly unorthodox), but at the same time, they can both exist in this space as they are, and be able to influence changes and try to make the world a little better, more open, more just, and less restricted. And importantly, while they are undoubtedly not-like-anyone different, they are not really forced to change themselves in TOS.

And this was, in my opinion, completely lost in the sequel films (which gave rise to both subsequent Kirk drift, and the general gradual moving away from utopianism and the emergence of Section 31), and which after TOS feel like a grounding, giving me a rather joyless feeling of longing for a lost dream, and where all the characters, and especially Kirk, try to fit into some much more socially acceptable, normative roles, thus seemingly reinforcing this concept of returning from heaven to earth, that they as they were in TOS cannot fit into this environment, this bitter understanding that there are things that will never be acceptable and understandable in society, there are parts of you that you have to lose, hide to survive in the real world, and it's all leaving TOS behind as a long-forgotten dream, a stolen moment of fullness of being. It feels less like the still imperfect, but moving towards it, reality of the original series, and more like the not-at-all-utopian side of 80s/familiar present. And while the films themselves are good, and have their own very special (a little bit sad-painful) charm, they completely contradict TOS in something very important to me personally, which makes me look at these things absolutely separately from each other (N and I are in the process of watching films now, and it gives us both mixed feelings). Even if we read this as an attempt to show the transition from youth to maturity, this inevitability of growing up-aging in which you must necessarily change, lose something visceral about yourself, and instead take on some socially acceptable role, I find this a rather outdated and not very healthy concept, because normal growing up-aging is not about losing yourself at all, but about returning to your true self, and taking into account everything that was shown to us in TOS, psychological changes that have occurred in characters in films are quite sad, and I really want to ask what happened during that time that made this possible? (envy of Star Wars' success and the lust for money, obviously, but that's another story).

In any case, I find that I discovered TOS somehow very timely for myself, and although I often see how TOS is perceived as a non-serious, pretty awkward, funny thing, I find it surprisingly meaningful, and for me, it's objectively a much more interesting thing to reflect on, and a much more important thing to take into the future.

Maybe it's all Roddenberry's spirit whispering in my ear that I should get back into filmmaking (and finally finish my deferred master's degree) so that one day I can reshoot this story.

[guiltycorp]

Okay finished the Haruspex route of Pathologic Classic! I need to play Clara's route to see the whole picture but I'm already fascinated by the differences between P1 and P2 in terms of characterization. I think I like Pathologic 2 even more now considering how they improved on Artemy's route, I am sorry to say I didn't like it at all in classic... This is all just my personal impression after first playthrough ofc. Ramblings about both Artemy and Daniil ↓ I think what bothered me about Haruspex was mostly just his attitude and his messiah plot. Once the first day is out of the way it's all smooth sailing for him, a bit too much so?? The only personal conflict he has is figuring out his father's exact wishes for him and choosing a sacrifice. Killing anyone is treated as fair or something that needed to happen and the Haruspex is always shrugging it off... And either option, Aglaya & the Town or Polyhedron... It just doesn't seem like he is that attached to either? So it doesn't feel like he is sacrificing much personally? Like sure he wants to save the Town because of his messianic qualities, but that's again more about fulfilling his 'role' rather than genuinely wanting to save lives, or at least it read that way to me. I'm sure it's meant to be both and P2 makes this far more apparent, but in P1 it elicited a rather squinty reaction from me. Plus well yeah, getting rid of Polyhedron is pretty much just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, like yep he sure didn't care about that thing lmao so getting rid of it isn't such a difficult choice at all. The suggestion that the Polyhedron could be his Udurgh is kind of useless because the Town and Earth are far better candidates and fit with Kin beliefs better, which in this game Artemy pretty much doesn't doubt at all.  Maybe this is why the Bachelor is so present in his route? Daniil did say he'd commit suicide if he lost, maybe we'd want to think twice about pushing him towards it... But again! Does it seem like this guy cares ahhh haha... The dialogue option that is actually engaging with what Daniil said is pretty much there to make it clear to the player what the Utopian ending is and what it would be like.

Ngl at first I thought he was meant to be the 'sacrifice' until they said it's a woman. Every time Artemy learned something about the Bachelor's motivations he'd write down in his diary like '...if it matters' since the player can always choose what ending to go with I guess. I also find it curious that he can say that they are friends but still always writing only 'the Bachelor' in his diaries while Daniil switched to 'Artemy' and 'Burakh' during the final stretch. The one-sided yaoi................ 🤔 At least Artemy doesn't get mad at him for ordering to set the mythic bull on fire, I guess their friendship did mean something to him after all at that point. Also when Capella tells him that he should ask the Bachelor for help with getting into the Polyhedron since the Bachelor 'fawns upon you a lot anyway' the Haruspex just goes 'oh yeah! ok' fjdghdjg... Now that I think about it I DID like the Haruspex route for what it did with the Bachelor hahah, his dialogues and letters are just so good sometimes. Like wow, I felt this.

Very cool, if i was Artemy I'd totally abandon my weird murderous calling for this. Tangentially related... P2 had one moment that I remember from my last replay when Rubin, if kept alive, falls into a deep deserved sleep in his home, and Artemy just starts emotionally monologuing at him.

Like, P1 Artemy would never, but also it goes to show that he's still very much a repressed man here too, buying into toxic masculinity ideals who can't just talk to his friends about his feelings directly... The same character, but more complex. I want to make it clear that I DO like him and his motivations in P2 actually, and his personal conflict being more about the future of the Kin makes that game much more powerful to me than what his classic route was. I heard that initially he was planned to be far more violent and dark, so maybe he could have been sort of a villain protagonist and this was changed later and this is why it feels a bit bland? Hmm... Idk this is fun to me because meanwhile the Bachelor didn't feel that different to me in both games lmao. A highly stressed educated guy who is just trying to prevent the spread of epidemic the 'right' way and then clinging to the only chance he has left to preserve both his ideals and his life. He is a bit less polite in P2 at first (while still very much helping by warding off Rubin) but then rather quickly becomes more cordial to Artemy and vice versa (and wow it sure is nice when Artemy can actually be polite and friendly..). And the moment when he explains some of his personal deal to Artemy feels rather similar in both iterations mood-wise.

I liked his route in P1 a lot, surprisingly so, and I now understand why so many people liked him before P2 came out and afterwards too... There's just something very real about how he is the intelligent Capital doctor but with an extraordinary dream to combat death itself, possibly given to him by the Powers That Be due to these children trying to cope with people dying around them. And instead of favoring him for it they hate him! They leave him with nothing but this final chance to fix things, even if that means destroying everything and rebuilding anew. Daniil's desperation feels very real and thus more compelling, plus like... I mean it's pretty much confirmed that it's not just the Polyhedron and that the soil itself is 'rotten' (literally in the meta real world and through blood beneath the earth in the Town itself) and the decease could return again, sooo his ending doesn't look that bad comparatively. I also appreciated how Maria (or uhh was it Nina talking through her here as well?) explained how their Utopia doesn't actually mean a 'perfect' place, more so just an impossible dream.

The Bachelor doesn't mind this at all, a detail I loved.

...Hmm that said maybe P1 makes it a little too easy for him to kinda ignore the Kin issue, he is only mad about their circumstances when it comes to Vlad choosing to doom thousands of the Kin workers inside the Termitary (which is just his doctor ethics). I mean it is realistic for him to ignore the implications of representing the imperialist side, he does mention his father was a military man too at some point I think... Still, he is very quick to accept the Kin's unique beliefs as something that has obvious merit, trusting the Haruspex with that side of things in both of their routes, and he doesn't make much of a distinction between them and regular Town people when it comes to patient treatment. If anything it's probably a sign of how the writers weren't thinking that hard about this worldbuilding aspect at the time... even if I appreciated them showing the downsides of the Kin's society, I think those were done better than in P2 purely because it was a bit more realistic (I am talking about sexism mostly, such as selling their own daughters and not respecting their autonomy, plus the mention of Kin politics and different ruling clans rather than the hive mind situation implied in P2). Like, it is more obvious in P1 that wholeheartedly embracing the Kin's return to tradition isn't such a good solution for them either, but one that will likely happen anyway with Artemy and Taya as their new leaders. And it could get trickier in Pathologic 3 I think, especially since most of us really appreciated the portrayal of colonization in P2 and would expect it getting addressed again in future games of other character routes, but we'll see I guess! Either way I look forward to that game a lot now.