#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cats-in-the-clouds · 11 months ago

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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low

#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends #and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial #even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it #my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that #tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all #which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility #but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power #i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself #that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross #but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me #and even if they find me how do i not fumble it #my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice #which is usually true #i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones #i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am #one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me #but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me #like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance #so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert #it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others #even though i can’t help myself #what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me #i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already

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