#while also now being chronically ill and some level of pain

[aholefilledwithtwigs]

Having a real domestic moment as i struggle with what to cook for dinner while i myself am not hungry but i should really have something ready for when my friends get home which is probably in about 10 minutes and i actually have no idea/things thawed so yeah but i vacuumed so small victories

[thebibliosphere]

Hello! I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any thoughts on Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain, Mind Body Syndrome, treating neuroplastic symptoms, etc.? I was just referred to a pain management group that centers around these concepts, and I'm having some Feelings about the whole thing.

Just wondering if you've had any experiences with this type of treatment, or thoughts about its effectiveness. Thanks!

Okay, so this is going to be long, and I'm going to need you to stick with me through the tangent. I promise it's relevant.

I haven't read Howard Schubiner's work directly, but his colleague Alan Gordon was a key speaker at the Migraine World Summit this year. I found his talk interesting enough to buy his book and do some more research on my own, and I found it worthwhile pursuing on my own.

I know enough from my mast cell disorder to know that the body develops 'bad habits' around pain.

In the case of anxiety, stress, or panic, mast cells become more reactive, and this can make pain worse. This is true for everyone*; it's just those of us with MCAS or some other type of mast cell disorder who have more alarming symptoms like idiopathic anaphylaxis.

So, unfortunately, if I, as someone with MCAS, experience an acute pain from an injury or illness, the inherent stress response of the pain and the out-of-balance response from my nervous system can make my mast cells degranulate. They're little fuckers like that.

Mast cells can also put your body on an inflammatory cycle that is counterproductive to healing. They can literally get trained to anticipate reactions and pre-emptively react, because again, they are little fuckers.

To give you an example of this for me: my major migraines, the ones that land me in the hospital, occur on the dot every ten days. There are no hormonal factors to this that can be found or other consistent triggers or stressors, but I was unknowingly being exposed to an MCAS trigger roughly every ten days for a while. When I realized, I removed the trigger, obviously. Problem solved, right? Unfortunatley no. By then, my mast cells had trained themselves into a new pattern, and the migraine now is both the response and the trigger. It's some bastard thing called Innate Immune Memory. But it's also, partly, my subconscious anticipating the event and priming my body for a reaction, which I am susceptible to because of my MCAS and dysautonomia, which is a type of nervous system disorder.

And this is where the neuroplasticity comes in.

I'm currently in the process of trying to unlearn this response and better regulate my nervous system, which unfortunately makes me sound like a TikTok girly with a link in bio to sell you cortisol healing tea, but I promise you the only thing I'm interesting in shilling is my smutty vampire books. (And this post will be how some people learn I write books)

Anyway, why am I bothering to explain mast cell dysfunction like this in relation to neuroplasticity?

Because, yeah, if a pain doctor handed me a leaflet about 'unlearning pain' and I didn't understand how my body is routinely sabotaging itself on a cellular level in response to acute and neuroplastic pain, I'd also be rolling my eyes and feeling like I've just been handed a bottle of snake oil in the market.

God knows I've been handed 'mindfullness' leaflets by enough shitty doctors who don't actually understand what it means when we say "stress affects the nervous system" and just assume the patient is inventing symptoms to be annoying.

Thankfully, that is not what this is. At least I am hoping the doctor sending you there doesn't think you are causing your own pain. What they are hopefully trying to do is introduce you to something that a lot of chronic pain patients are reporting helps them feel more in control of their lives after many years of feeling at the mercy of their pain.

I don't attend the sessions at my brain injury clinic (yet), but I do know they use neuroplasticity therapy to help amputees with the phantom pain they experience from missing limbs. My physical therapist spent an entire session singing its virtues to me while I was fighting for my life on a balance board. Which is also why I decided to look into it after I heard Gordon talking at the Migraine World Summit.

So, do I think Schubiner's methods are hokum?

No, I think there's a lot of merit to the things he talks about and explains, but I also know the only reason I think that is because of the insight I have into the brain-body bundle through the experiences of my mast cell disease that has taught me there is nothing the brain is incapable of fucking up.

Do I think targeting neuroplastic pain will work well for everyone?

No. I think you need to try it and see if it's a good fit for you.

Some people who attended the World Migraine Summit think it's snake oil/just another way for pain doctors to foist us off into the realm of mental health care. Conversely, other people won't shut up about how learning to break the cycle of fear and panic around their pain has been life-altering for them.

For me, it's been more subtle and is part of a broader spectrum of therapies and medical treatment I use to keep my nervous system in check. It certainly hasn't done me any harm. If anything, I found it quite validating to hear someone say, "Oh, the pain is in your head? Of course it is. Let's try to fix that," and then gave me actionable coping methods. They might not work profoundly in the long term. I'm still a sick bitch with multiple acute causes of my pain. But it's also not harming me the way mindfulness was (many chronic pain patients can find it traumatizing).

I will say, I am concerned that some doctors will use the treatment of neuroplastic pain to dismiss treating acute pain with physical causes.

Just like how mindfulness has been abused by an overworked, underfunded medical system not equipped to handle chronic patients, there's also the risk of neuroplastic therapy being tossed over the fence in a similar fashion as a last ditch Hail Mary to treat patients they don't have time for. But I don't think it's widespread enough yet for that to be the case.

I dunno. Give it a try. If it's not for you, it's not for you.

Personally, I hate anything that revolves around group therapy, but I did find the book "The Way Out" by Alan Gordon insightful in helping me figure some things out. Maybe see if your local library has it before you drop money on any sessions?

_ _ _

*There has also been more compelling evidence recently that suggests that chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia are also affected by wonky mast cells. Also arthritis.

[lilmarshie]

Since requests are open do you think you could do Bob with a reader who has chronic pain/illness? My pain has increased majorly over the last few months and could really use a little comfort right now 🥲

Caring for You

Bob Reynolds x Reader Headcanons

Bob cares for you while you’re dealing with chronic pain but he makes it all better and helps your worries to go away.

A/N: Thank you for the request, anon! I hope that you enjoy!

Bob is all about helping to make your shared space together a safe haven where you can go when you’re feeling under the weather. This space is filled with the softest blankets, fluffiest pillows, best snacks, and the one that you love–Bob. He ensures that this space is at the perfect temperature to help you with flare ups and any discomfort. Bob installed a smart thermostat with a wireless remote to help you be able to adjust the temperature in the room without leaving your bed.

Bob helps you stay on top of your medications without being overbearing about it. He sets reminders for you, picks up your prescriptions, runs to the store if you need him to, and makes a detailed chart to help you stay on track. This man has thought about anything and everything that you may need at any time. He is also a great advocate to speak on your behalf when you need that extra help from your care providers and doctors.

Bob knows the importance of daily exercise and being able to stay focused on the goals at hand. Whether big or small, Bob helps you with simple training exercises that, help you to not be too overwhelmed. These exercises are quick and effective and help target those areas of your body that need some extra attention. He's happy to join you for gentle walks, stretching sessions, or even just some light yoga. He'll always adjust the pace to match your energy levels and never push you beyond what you're comfortable with.

When the pain is really unbearable Bob creates the perfect distractions from the pain. He reads you chapters from your favorite books, watches funny movies with you, or starts a short conversation about random things. This helps to not have your mind wander to the pain that you’re experiencing. He also knows all the best spots for a change of scenery, like a cozy coffee shop or a quiet park.

Bob is your biggest cheerleader and confidant during these trials. He listens without judgment when you need to vent about your pain or frustrations. He celebrates your small victories and reminds you of your strength and resilience. He's also not afraid to show his own vulnerability, which helps you feel less alone in your struggles.

Bob knows that taking care of yourself is essential, so he encourages you to prioritize self-care activities. He will draw you a bath, make you a cup of tea, or give you a gentle massage. He also reminds you to take breaks when you need them and to say no to things that will drain your energy.

Bob is always willing to go to bat for you. He will research your condition, attend doctor's appointments with you, and help you navigate the healthcare system. He's also not afraid to challenge medical professionals if he feels like your needs aren't being met.

Above all else, Bob loves you unconditionally no matter what. He understands that your illness is a part of you, but it doesn't define you. He's committed to supporting you through thick and thin, and he'll always be there to remind you of your worth.

[scribbledghost]

Hello again! It’s 🤍 anon.

I loved what you did with the emotionally reserved ask and so I raise another for you.

How would the vessels(all) respond/react to a chronic pain/illness reader? My joints have been giving me grief lately and I can just imagine III being a space heater wrapped around reader, but I’d love to see what you do with it.

Maybe you could add in different reactions to different flare ups? Just spitballing ideas since writing is hard rn.

Many thanks!

-🤍Anon

Note: Hello my dear 🤍! I don't know that I did very well with the different types of flare ups, but I did focus more on chronic pain. I can sympathize with your joints giving you grief (though mine is less "chronic illness" and more "I've developed a condition called 'I'm-now-over-thirty-years-old-itis'"), so hopefully this can bring you some enjoyment!

I think they panic at first when they notice you're in pain. Even if you're just arriving at the manor for the first time, they all sort of rush you, thinking you're seriously injured and in need of help. It doesn't particularly ease their minds when you explain that it's just... normal for you, but they allow you to proceed as usual.

Once things progress and you stick around and begin relationships with the vessels, they still get antsy when they can sense your pain levels rising. They'll seek you out almost immediately if they're not already around, doing what they can to (hopefully) make you feel a little better. Even if there's not much they can do to help you physically, they figure they can at least maybe help you mentally.

Vessel will pretty much take over for you. He wants to provide, after all, so anything you need, he's on it. He'll bring you whatever you ask for, he'll do anything you want. If you're bedbound, he's right there with you so you won't feel like you're alone. If you need quiet, he's making sure the others keep the noise level to a minimum. He'll help you do anything to try and ease your discomfort or pain, should you ask him to. I can see him doing little things too, like trying to siphon off some of your mental pain to himself if he can. There's unfortunately little he can do for physical pain, but he can hopefully make it a bit more bearable emotionally.

II will be a steady presence. I can also see him doing a lot of research on whichever condition you have, and maybe even bringing new home remedy ideas for you to try in hopes they have some sort of positive effect. Of course, he's always there with various compresses, ointments, or other go-to's that you know work at least a little bit. If you need to be on a certain diet, he's pretty much developing a menu for you to make sure you eat. He also wants you to talk to him about how you're feeling and how you've usually dealt with it in the past. There's only so much books can tell him, after all, and he wants to hear from you about your experiences.

III will be your space heater/weighted blanket. He's like a cocoon, wrapping you up in his long limbs and pulling you close. If you want the pressure, he's more than happy to squeeze you tight like a boa constrictor, sort of like bundling you up in fabric like a little burrito. He also likes to try and make you laugh, so he's telling you goofy jokes or making little shadow puppets on the wall. Anything to get you to smile. In the event you need something more gentle and quiet, he's pulling you close and purring. He read somewhere that purring usually makes people feel better, so he hopes it works here too.

IV will absolutely refuse to let you move a muscle when he's around. If you need anything, he's telling you to stay put while he gets it for you. If you need to go anywhere, he's carrying you (superhuman strength, remember?). He'll hold ice packs or warm compresses to wherever you need him to, carefully timing it so he can alternate accordingly. He's also more than happy to provide cuddles. While he can't quite wrap around you as much as III can, he's still curled up with you in hopes the extra affection can make you feel a bit better. Like III, he'll also start purring quietly, though in IV's case it's more of a subconscious act because he's comfortable.

[floweryanarchy]

I have to admit I'm kinda obsessed with this au!! You write and draw Astarion's backstory and angst so deliciously, and I eat it up every time I see new content! I love the comment previous anon made about the food situation at camp, and it also made me think that Astarion would probably have some rather awful chronic fatigue for a while on account of the constant pain?? That and, like in game, he's used to being confined to the palace and only having to 'get on his back'- He's not used to travelling for days and weeks at a time with only a night of rest in between. Maybe there would be a sort of degredation at the beginning then as the continuous travel and short rest drags on?

Or in whatever constitutes as the Shadow-cursed land in this au- like, situation wise, not even necessarily location wise, that place had NO wildlife for Astarion to feed from so he presumably had to rely on his companions or hide his suffering until it dropped him. In this au maybe that scenario manifests as an uncontrollable flare up of his chronic pain? He can hardly walk, hardly move without it being unbearable, but also he can't be weak, can't be a burden, can't be left behind, certainly not now when he's gotten so far...and it's easy for the others to brush it off, assuming it's simply his usual whining, but he honest-to-gods doesn't know if he can stay in the saddle (or, perhaps, the other scenario is that they can't use their horses for some reason so it's the constant walking and rough terrain that causes the flare up in the first place) or stay upright for much longer without his vision swimming, his legs buckling, or the nausea becoming unbearable...

The absolute horror he'd feel if he DID end up collapsing or falling unconscious because of it, maybe even getting sick from the constant high-level stress his body has been under.

These have been the babbles of an angst writer- Even if some of it doesn't work or make sense, I hope you enjoyed at least! Wanted to show some of the brainworms that you instilled in me with this au! <3

Oh I enjoyed this immensely and I’m obsessed with this concept!! I love it when ppl share their own ideas for the au, it’s very inspiring!! I haven’t even thought about the shadow cursed lands yet so ur a few steps ahead of me!

I can totally see something like this happening once they reach the shadowlands territory or it at least hits a peak. It’s a more rocky terrain and hard for them to ride their horses in some spots. Just the constant walking day to day puts strain on Astarions spine because he’s simply not used to it and only causes it to worsen. His body being so worn down plus the added stress that is The Flayer infection would totally make him ill.

I know I basically made it canon that at the moment only Gale knows about Astarions chronic pain, and Gale himself is battling his own sickness. He’s literally rotting away. So they can relate to each other in a way. Traveling is hard on their bodies.

Even if the others won’t stop for a break, I’d think Gale would offer to stay behind with him so he himself can get a moment of respite (his poor creaking knees.) He’s also given Astarion some meds in the past to help through the worst of the flare ups, but those won’t last forever. Maybe he’d run out in the shadowlands. Maybeee.

Even through the worst of it I’d like to think Astarions not alone in any of this :3

He needs a hug

[wisterianightmare]

Xavier and Chronic Pain

Rated G, 1300 wc, ficlet/meta. Xavier x You, light whump with a hopeful ending.

“I’m feeling good today, so I can stay with you for as long as you want. It… should be fine.” - Xavier, when using the Quality Time "Work" feature. As someone with a chronic illness/disability, this and a couple of other Xavier moments hit differently for me. When compounded, it felt like this.

Xavier doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to worry you. It wouldn't do any good to worry over something that nothing can be done about.

Like any moment in time, the Earth has made its advances. But time being relative means that any current age is a dark age, at least from the perspective of the future. Xavier doesn't feel like he's living in a medieval landscape. Lifespans are longer. Medicines and treatments are rapidly expanding globally, not just in Linkon's sphere of influence. Hell: even though he's in the know and is aware of the horrors on the horizon, EVER is realistically beginning a pursuit into life eternal. Some things, for some people, are heading in a better direction. This is not one of them.

It isn't debilitating, until it is. Xavier hasn't been able to entirely omit his physical needs from all of your interactions, and you've turned it into a cute joke that he's constantly sleepy. He doesn't correct you. You're not wrong, per se. You just don't understand the functional reason why, and Xavier would prefer to keep it that way.

After all, why should he ruin something that you find endearing? Something that you've just accepted as a quirky part of him and tease him about with such love? It's healing for him too, to hear you remark upon his sleepy countenance with such affection - and he needs the healing. Why ruin that with the reality, when it can't be fixed and your ignorance takes some of the edge off of what would otherwise be difficult for you both to acknowledge?

"When I don't feel well, I just take a nap."

"And what about if you still don't feel well after waking up?"

"… then I just sleep for a while longer."

He doesn't tell you it's because that's the only option. He doesn't tell you that while yes, he is human, the closest thing he has to relief from the aches and pains that you can't see is the reprieve of sleep.

An entire lifetime of dedication to the study of the blade. A few more maintinaing that level of skill, while protecting an unknowing, dying world. More Wanderer kills under his belt that would be reasonable across all of those lifetimes, regardless of the fact that a huge portion of time couldn't have possibly been spent hunting them. Xavier is a man who has pushed his body beyond its natural limits so frequently and for so long that it no longer operates within the usual limits of "normal."

And now that he has you he has no intention of losing you.

Anyone can see that Xavier is a dedicated Hunter. He's a gift of a partner and teammate: he's willing to train with you practically whenever, he doesn't shy away from dangerous missions, and he manages dire situations without assuming the role of your superior. He functions with such competence at even the highest level that you don't question the way he is when the danger has dulled. You know him: his seriousness, his high expectations of himself, his desire to be useful. You also see him: his drowsy starry eyes, the incredibly casual personal wardrobe, the constant desire for the worldly comforts he can afford.

But he knows that you don't understand. He's thankful for it.

Xavier who has chronic fatigue, and while he is being honest that sleep does heal him, it doesn’t make him any less exhausted. Sleep for healing serves a different purpose than sleep for sleeping (which is also it's own form of healing he supposes) but the sleep debt he's accrued is not something he'll ever be able to foreclose on.

Xavier whose body aches too much from the relentless training that he spends his free time almost exclusively horizontally. On the couch, in your bed, slumped over his desk when there’s no one of import watching too closely. He isn't going to collapse at work. He's in functional pain, and has learned how to manage it. But that doesn't mean he isn't suffering. Struggling, privately, from time to time.

It’s why he doesn’t cook. It isn’t that he’s incapable, though he’s happy to let you continue this misunderstanding. Cooking requires time spent upright over the stove, and after ten minutes he can feel his back start to seize. He didn’t forget to season the chicken. He ran out of time before having to dump everything into the broiler and crumpling onto the sofa. He didn’t get lazy about the half-prepped side dishes. His brain fog removed the remainder of the task from existence entirely. If he were really being honest (which is still not within his intentions), he'd admit that there are times without you that it genuinely doesn't occur to him to eat. He may even mention it sometime, like a passing joke, and you laugh at the idea of someone who loves food as much as he does forgetting to eat. He smiles, because you're right: it is silly. His body is just too overwhelmed with other signals sometimes that he doesn't feel the hunger take root before he's asleep again. He suggests you go out for a meal after that, and the subject drops.

The clothes are a side effect too. You've commented on how informal he is outside of work, picking at the worn, fraying bits of a sweater that he swears came that way. It's one among many: lots of hoodies, oversized shirts, even duplicates of his favorites. He doesn't tell you that it's because the scratchy material of his uniform is overstimulating. He doesn't mention the neuropathy he's trying to stifle with soft fabrics and loose waistbands. The temperature intolerance that has him wearing layers during the summer and loose fitting tees in the dead of winter because he cannot regulate his own body heat. Sure, him being down to earth plays into it, but it helps that his personality skews unpretentious because you still haven't put two and two together.

He hates the secrets, but he loves you more.

To Xavier, these are minor inconveniences that he has learned how to mitigate with time and his many resources. They are just the reality of his existence, and in part due to choices he feels he made for himself - regardless of whether or not that's actually true. Xavier doesn't regret any of those choices… because to him, those choices led him to you.

But if you were to find out… if you were to see clearly all of his quirks and patterns as coping mechanisms… Well. Then Xavier's pain would become your pain. He knows this all too well.

Xavier isn't going to let that happen, because you're too you. Whip smart, powerful, empathetic, kind. Xavier knows that if you're given the opportunity you will take on his pain and amplify it within yourself - just like your Resonance - and that is the last thing in the world that he wants. He isn't bothered by it: not anymore. It hurts. It effects him. It has its own challenges that never really end up resolved. He's okay with that. Despite chronic, incurable neuromuscular distress, Xavier is the happiest he's ever been. He's the happiest with you.

You're far from a fool, so you piece together some bits on your own. He appreciates how you spoil him, indulge him. You don't need to know the extent of his pain to know that he needs and values rest. That's enough. It's a life he's happy to live, even if some of his limited sunrises with you are missed in favor or being snuggled up together under his incomparably soft blankets. It's a life he loves, with the person he loves, unburdened and loved in return.

The truth would steal that from you. The truth would break your heart.

And Xavier will never willingly break that which is so precious to him. Your heart already has shards of its own.

Thanks so much for reading! Today’s challenge was to write something from start to finish and post it without overthinking. More (and happier) things to come in the future!

Also posted on AO3 as Chapter 2 of:

The Dreamwork Scrapbook

Please show me some love there if you enjoyed!

[veal-exe]

Please, take care of your body. You live in there.

Wash it, feed it, hydrate it. Your body is your lifelong home. Even if it's just meat carrying you around to you, it's your meat. And how you treat it now will shape what kind of life you’re able to have later.

Stay hydrated, however you can, stay hydrated. Your organs need it to function, your joints need it to stay cushioned, your skin needs it to stay healthy, and your brain needs it to think clearly. Dehydration doesn’t always look like passing out! sometimes it looks like brain fog, fatigue, random aches, or a bad mood that won’t lift! Be mindful of your body, and give it fluid.

Eat food. Real food (a bag of oreos and nothing else all day is not it, I'm sorry). Enough food. Your body needs fuel to survive, but also to heal. I know a lot of us come from disordered relationships with food, or were taught to feel shame about needing rest and nourishment. But starving yourself or running on fumes isn't sustainable, and eventually your body will make you stop, whether you like it or not.

Eat enough fiber. I am Psyllium Husk’s #1 fan (that's what mucinex is). I swear by it. Gut health is wildly under-discussed and so important. A healthy gut makes digestion easier, keeps your immune system strong, and even affects your mood and mental clarity.

Stretch. Seriously. Even if you don’t exercise much, stretching alone can save you years of pain. It keeps your muscles from shortening and tightening, helps with posture, keeps your range of motion from deteriorating over time, and prevents injuries that happen when a stiff body tries to move too fast. And if you already have chronic pain? Gentle, regular stretching can make it hurt less. This will not cure you, but please, you deserve respite from the pain, please take care of your meat.

Move your body. I know this part gets tricky depending on disability, illness, fatigue, or pain levels. But exercise doesn’t have to mean going to the gym or running marathons. It can mean five minutes of walking around the room. It can mean lifting your arms a few times in bed. Whatever movement is safe and manageable for you, I promise it’s better than nothing.

If you don’t use your muscles, they weaken faster. If you stop moving your joints, they stiffen. If you don’t build some endurance now, even a tiny bit. it’ll be so much harder to get it back later. Our bodies naturally change with age, but the decline doesn't have to be steep or miserable if you lay the groundwork while you can.

Please please please understand, I’m not saying this from a high horse. I’m saying it from the other side as a chronically ill, disabled person who didn’t do these things enough when I was in my 20s. And I deeply regret it. I didn’t stretch. I didn’t hydrate enough. I didn’t move my body in a sustainable way, and I ignored the warning signs of burnout, fatigue, and pain. Now I’m paying the price every day, in stiffness, in the extreme pain, the inflexibility, in crashes that take me out for days at a time.

I know it’s not always possible to do everything. Some days you won’t be able to do anything, and that’s okay too.

Survival is still worth celebrating.

But if you have the ability to show your body care, even in small ways please do. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to punish it. It’s not about “deserving” rest, or water, or a stretch. It’s just about being alive, and treating the vessel that keeps you that way with gentleness and love.

Loving yourself isn’t just about self-esteem or confidence. It’s about action. It’s about tending to your body like you would a plant or a pet, it's okay if your body is just your brain or soul's plant or pet, water the plant, walk the pet, it's something that can thrive when treated with patience and care.

So please. Stretch. Eat. Hydrate. Rest. Move gently. You live in there. Treat your body like home.

[moonstruckme]

Hi Mae, sorry if this is a little personal but I could really use some advice right now😅

So for context, i’m like, kind of disabled? ‘Kind of’ in the sense that I’m severely chronically ill, like can’t work, bedbound most days by my chronic pain, and on the rare occasions I DO go out, i tend to get pretty sick afterwards. Basically it feels like I have the flu, I get the symptoms of a fever (like shivering, sweating, supreme brain fog, bad fatigue, etc., but my body can’t actually produce one even when i’m hospital level ill, if that makes sense), I can feel every single bone and muscle in my body bc they’re all hurting, and all of my joints swell up and feel like they’re on fire. But i’m also not actually diagnosed bc I’m on the waitlists (🇨🇦 sucks; love the free healthcare, hate the 2-3 +year wait for anything). We think I have Lupus and EDS and probably POTS, but again, i’m not actually diagnosed which is why I don’t feel comfortable saying i’m disabled lol :((

So I got a cane last year (her name is Tabitha💅) thanks to my friend’s insistence, and it really does help quite a bit. I don’t get as dizzy while i’m out, i’m able to do a lot more, and I don’t feel nearly as sick in the days after. The problem is, my mom doesn’t believe i’m sick, ans thinks that if I just [insert unhelpful advice here] then I wouldn’t be sick and i’d be totally normal. So when I got the cane, she was pissed. Whenever I use it, she makes a huge deal about me just being lazy, and not actually needing it (which ig is true; i physically can do things without it, it just makes everything so much easier). Like to the point where when we went on vacation a while ago, she told me that I wasn’t allowed to bring it, and if I did, I wouldn’t be allowed on another trip with her ever again. I spent the whole trip in Pain™, but at least she was happy? It’s to the point where it’s just easier to not use it than deal with the backlash (which my mom has taken as proof that I ‘don’t need it’😕)

So here’s the issue; I’m travelling across the country in 2 days to visit some family, who she’s already visiting. My friend is taking me too and from the airport, and i’m meeting my family there. The problem is that my family has a crazy amount of stairs—three full sets—which are always really hard for me; even doing one set of stairs more than 2x a day makes my knee swell like crazy, and is super painful, let alone my other joints. I’ve dislocated my knee before going up, and my knee has given out multiple times when I go down stairs, leading me to fall down the stairs if I can’t catch myself in time. I want to bring my cane, partly to help at the airport, but mostly just for the stairs at my family’s place, to make it easier on me. But I know that my mom is going to be PISSED if I bring it. Thing is, she’s not here to explicitly tell me no?

So I guess my Question™ is this: do you think it’s worth it to bring Tabitha with me, and have my mom be mad, or should I just suck it up and deal with the pain/possible issues and not bring it? What would you do?

Sorry for how long this is! Also, as a side note, i’m over 18 (I just live with my parents because I can’t afford to move) so it’s not like she’s being abusive or anything lol so don’t worry about that!!

(You can call me ‘Tabitha 💅’ anon since idk what emoji’s are taken :)) )

That's such a tough situation to be in lovely, I'm so sorry. I don't know the full extent of your relationship with your mom or how much it would get to you to have her be upset, but personally I would prioritize your wellbeing over the feelings of (and I know she's your mom, sorry, this is just from an outsider's perspective) someone who doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. What does it hurt for you to use the cane? Like, is it really so upsetting to her that it's worth you being in pain?

If I'm being petty (and idk if this is the route you'd want to go, I think my therapist would not approve of this lol) what I try to do when my dad is being like this is make him look bad in front of witnesses. If your mom wants to talk down to you and your family's around (assuming they don't feel the same way, sorry if this is an overreach) you could talk about how the stairs really hurt you and it just makes your life easier and really, what's the harm? Idk, it's hardly a foolproof method, but maybe it would shame her into piping down at least while you're there? Sorry if this is useless please take it with many grains of salt

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you're able to get a diagnosis soon and that you know you deserve more consideration than it sounds like your mom is giving you about this. Also, I'm not saying this is necessarily abusive, but just because you're an adult doesn't mean something's not abuse. Take care of yourself babe, I hope you manage to have a good time with your family <3

[cartoonscientist]

in honor of disabled character whump month here are some thoughts about possibly characterizing cassandra nova as chronically ill/neurodivergent in fanwork

she’s literally not a human and her brain doesn’t work like a human’s, it’s even canonically stated that she learned human behavior and social cues from observation but doesn’t actually feel compelled to follow them. would she have difficulty integrating into human culture if she reformed and joined the x-men as an adult rather than being socialized as Ernst first? would she start to notice how mentally and emotionally different she is from everyone else after being forced to interact with them as equals for an extended period of time? would she begin to feel frustrated and inadequate by things she doesn’t understand now, when before she could ignore them as the trappings of an inferior species? what would it feel like if she wanted people to like her but couldn’t figure out how to socialize “correctly”? how would she feel if she kept being left out of things because her colleagues just assume that as a nonhuman, she isn’t interested or wouldn’t fully enjoy them?

it isn’t typical for mummudrai to have a secondary human body. we know that without her “flesh armor”, cassandra is blind and can’t think coherently. her astral body perceives sensory input on a different level. how does this affect her sensory processing abilities overall? she seems to have a preference for nudity, at least when piloting her brother’s body. when clothed, she tends to wear the same small selection of practical outfits. it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that clothing isn’t very important to her and may even make her uncomfortable. how does she feel about fluorescent lights or traffic noise or being in loud, busy areas with lots of confusing sounds and sights? she always tends to operate from a place of isolation outside the chaos in canon. could the sensory data between her two bodies get fucked up by stress or psychic damage? maybe if she gets overloaded with adrenaline her mummudrai brain tries to take over but can’t make sense of what her human body is perceiving or even figure out how to operate its limbs.

cassandra is pretty much universally described as abnormally small and withered compared to charles. even in the form of a little girl her body is frail and prematurely aged. we can assume her body is kind of fucked because she had to build it cell by cell; maybe she has a lot of scar tissue in her skin, maybe her telomeres are messed up, maybe she can’t produce collagen, there are a lot of possibilities here for contrasting her insane power levels with how weak and decrepit her body actually is. maybe she overexerts herself because she has no issues using her psychic abilities but is distracted from what a toll her actions are taking on her muscles and joints until the dust settles and suddenly everything hurts. maybe after settling into her current body and achieving some degree of normalcy she starts realizing that chronic pain isn’t normal.

she has a healing factor, but we can see that it takes a while by how her vocal cords remain severed for a long stretch of time and the multiple times she gets her neck or jaw broken and has to realign them and wait for them to heal. she gets punched in the face in xmen red and quickly grows her teeth back but has a bruise for the rest of the series. what if her body got REALLY fucked up to the point of incapacitation, maybe through an accident that would completely obliterate a normal mutant, and she has to undergo the long process of regenerating while dependent on others to protect her body and provide her with nutrients; it would be so different from having to build yourself alone and unloved in the sewer.

finally, one of her very first memories is being attacked in the womb by her own brother, which is absolutely insane and very funny tbh, but also you can’t deny that such an early trauma absolutely fucked her up in concrete and tangible ways. she has an embarrassing flashback (encouraged by psychic attack but still) in marauders when she gets grabbed from behind. in her original appearance, logan acknowledges that she’s just a “fucked up thing trying to survive” (paraphrased). in xmen red jean calls her out on being lonely and afraid. you could make a strong argument that cassandra is primarily driven by a very twisted and misplaced but nonetheless intense fear that even she can’t recognize for what it is, which is thematically appropriate for the social justice messages traditionally present in canon. after being rehabilitated, where will that anxiety go? she does redirect it at non-mutant humans, but it could also present itself in the form of generalized anxiety, panic attacks, or dread. and since she has no concept of trauma except applied to others as a way to manipulate them, she can’t even comprehend that something like that could be wrong with her. it’s not a panic attack or a flashback, that can’t happen to mummudrai, it must be something else.

[sevasey51]

I have been loving protective Connor so much! Both the overbearing surgeon husband and emotionally protective. During flares up how would Connor be at home and at work? Can you write this as a request please 🥺❤️

Built-In Shelter

Summary: Connor’s used to fighting battles in the OR—but nothing rattles him quite like watching his wife’s body betray her during a flare. Whether it’s the bone-deep fatigue of POTS, the sharp, unbearable pain of endo, or the unpredictable cascade of symptoms from her EDS, Connor shifts into full protective mode without hesitation. At home, he becomes her rock. At work, he never stops checking in. Some call it overbearing—he calls it showing up. And he’ll do it, every single time.

At Home: “The Fortress”

The moment he sees the signs, everything else falls away.

She moves a little slower. Her speech softens. Her color fades.

And Connor—surgical mask off, trauma surgeon instincts on—becomes a force of nature.

“Sit,” he’ll say, already pulling out the pulse ox and BP cuff from the drawer beside the couch. “Feet up. I’ve got it.”

No argument is needed. Not anymore. She knows he’s watching her vitals closer than she is. And while she hates feeling like a patient in her own home, Connor never makes her feel less.

Instead, he makes her feel safe.

He layers blankets around her like armor. Keeps her hydrated with a rotation of salty broths and electrolyte drinks. He lifts her legs, rubs the aching joints that throb from EDS, warms the heating pad for her endo pain, and places soft kisses just above her temple as he checks her pulse.

And if it’s a really bad flare?

Connor goes nowhere.

He cancels everything that isn’t surgery. Turns down dinner invites. Moves his laptop beside her so he can chart with one hand and stroke her arm with the other.

“Do you need meds yet?”

“I’m okay.”

He leans in, watching her closely. “That’s not what I asked.”

She groans, but it’s always followed by the gentlest surrender. He knows her thresholds. He knows her stubbornness. And he never lets her hurt longer than she has to.

He doesn’t hover. He anchors.

When she cries—because sometimes the pain just won’t back off—he holds her without flinching. He rubs slow circles into her back and whispers things she barely hears through the sobs.

“You’re not broken.”

“You’re still you.”

“I love you even when it’s hard. Especially then.”

And he means it.

At Work: “The Watchtower”

She works on the same floor more often than not. But when she’s not on shift, he’s still watching out.

He texts between cases.

• Hydrated?

• Pain level?

• Need me to run home between surgeries?

And when she is at work, and he catches even the smallest change in her gait or expression, it’s over.

He finds her in the staff lounge, presses two fingers to her wrist and silently checks her pulse.

“Connor,” she’ll whisper, half-exasperated, “you’re working.”

“I’m also your husband. Sit.”

There are whispers around the hospital.

“Isn’t he a little intense?”

“He’s such a helicopter.”

He doesn’t care. He’s long past the point of softening his care to make others comfortable.

If she needs Zofran? He walks it over himself.

If she needs to lie down mid-shift? He clears the on-call room before she even asks.

And if anyone questions her capability?

Connor shuts it down.

“She’s got a chronic illness, not a character flaw. Now back off.”

The Emotional Protection

But the most important part of how Connor protects her isn’t the medicine.

It’s the seeing.

It’s the way he notices when she’s about to spiral—when her eyes flicker toward fear, or shame, or guilt for being sick again.

He doesn’t let it fester.

“You’re allowed to be mad,” he’ll say, sitting beside her in silence.

“You’re allowed to feel like this is unfair.”

And when she whispers, “What if this never gets better?”

He answers without missing a beat:

“Then I’ll be here for all of it.”

Because Connor Rhodes is a trauma surgeon.

But when it comes to her?

He’s also the constant.

The shield.

The soft place to land.

And flare after flare, day after day, he proves that love isn’t about fixing her.

It’s about never leaving her to face it alone.

[sharpth1ng]

My family has a history of chronic illness and as I get older I’ve noticed that my health has been getting worse (it wasn’t great as a child either.) I often wonder if that’s what’s been happening but I brush it off due to my family saying that certain symptoms I have happen to everyone. I’ve even had a doctor doubt me due to my age.

Did you ever have doubt or have others doubt you? Did you think your symptoms were normal or something that everyone deals with?

Sorry I'm kind of late responding to this, it got buried in my inbox!

But yeah I've had people doubt me lots. It's only in the past few years that my mom (who I love while my whole heart) has really accepted my autism diagnosis that I've had for over a decade.

I've had people tell me symptoms of a whole lot of things were normal, partly because I don't express or display pain in a way that seems understandable to neurotypicals, and as a result I've learned to push through a lot that I shouldn't. I grew up being taught to ignore my body, and it's very literally landed me in the hospital several times. I used to be a competitive dancer (when I was but a young girl...) and I used to have to pop dislocated joints back into place backstage before going on to perform. That's not normal!! I have permanently injured myself from doing this!!

Now I at least have support from my mom and some support at work but the majority of my family continues to deny my various health issues, and they seem to think that I'm just not working hard enough to overcome them. Its exhausting and its really hard not to internalize that. As a disabled person you're constantly being gaslit and pushed, and it's massively important to learn to protect yourself against that.

Doctors (in my experience) can be some of the worst gaslighters. Often they're underducated about whatever they're denying, or they're woefully out of date on the research. I now do my own research, and if needed I literally print out scientific articles to bring my doctor. I highly recommend doing this if you can.

If your doctor denies you tests or care, I also highly recommend that you ask them to document that. If there is a record that you brought up symptoms or asked for a certain test then they can be held accountable for denying care, and sometimes just being aware of that can get them to reconsider.

The sad reality is that as disabled and chronically ill people we're forced to fight and distrust medical systems in a way that others cannot and do not understand. That lack of understanding leads them to deny our experiences or dismiss them as over-reactive.

All I can say is that its worth it to keep fighting. Don't back down. When your family members say everyone experiences something its worth asking them "well to what level does everyone experience this? How often?" As an example, everyone has headaches every once and a while, but a headache can't generally make you lose vision or completely incapacitate you the way a migraine can. Everyone has aches and pain sometimes, but it's not normal to be in pain every day.

Sometimes pointing out these things can help your family too! Sometimes they've also been gaslit in the same way, and being insistent that what you're experiencing isn't normal can help them realize that what they're experiencing isn't normal either. My mom as an example, has started to recognize that she has a lot of the same social issues as I do, even if they aren't quite at the same level.

So I'm sorry this stuff is getting brushed off, its not fair. You deserve to be heard and supported, but in the absence of that don't give up and don't shut up. Fight for yourself as much as you have the energy and resources to do so, and find community with other disabled and chronically ill people who can help validate your experiences, and who might even have some actually useful tips for you.

[valeriefauxnom]

Various Headcanons/'Behind the Scenes' that I Didn't/Couldn't mention in Scaling but still hold regardless

Either because they never came up somehow or what, there were some additional thoughts about that massive beast that I never quite got out, so I figured I'd list these here for myself to maybe look back on and for anyone else's curiosity!

That being said...

-Phares' scales are heavier than his base skin, and though it isn't a super dramatic difference, it's enough to occasionally give him back pain, a thing that would increase in frequency in the long term of his life since they're concentrated to his left side.

-Speaking of aches and pains of getting older, the other ones with the shortest sticks in that regard are Valyx, Nedrick, Beren, Phares, and Euden in no particular order. Valyx, Nedrick, and Euden are more from just the wear and tear from being in combat, with mostly fiends, while Beren's just with Phares in the 'chronic illness' category.

-Leonidas escapes the above category because even though he's plenty eager to go fighting, as a King for a long long time, there's only so much he can do. He keeps up his training, but only rarely can go out in any capacity in full armor to take part in actual battle.

-Euden's words for when he cached himself in his room, specifically to people like Phares and Nedrick, are his version of the 'find and use anything I can to hurt you'. It might have seemed contradictory for Euden to take issue with, say, Phares' act in ch.6 when he hadn't before, but that one was intentional. He didn't, and doesn't, really, but it's his attempt to push them away by calling names and otherwise assuming the worst of them despite knowing otherwise, etc.

-Euden is slightly more inclined than the other perfectly healthy members of the family to fall ill, due to a combination of scale plucking opening up opportunities for germs (while that lasts) + stress + the simple fact that his world and this one don't have the exact same strains of everything + the fact he was away from the capital for most the game anyways, allowing him to lose some of that built up resistance to the common strains to frequent the place.

-Speaking of Euden, he's always going to be just a tiiiiny bit shorter than Nedrick. To be fair, canon Nedrick would also be shorter than Scaling Nedrick. It's mostly a combination of environmental factors and the epigenetics of them. Plus, canon Neddy hardly seemed to need to eat at all, but Scaling Neddy is a Perfectly Normal Teenage Boy With A Healthy Appetite.

-In ch.17, Phares narrates:

Everything felt as if a new level of fragility had seeped into the grounds of an already delicate situation, leaving Phares scrambling for purchase. They had to find that catholicon to resolve this situation, and, at this rate, pray Euden gave them a hint to its location.

Now, I would just like to note that 'catholicon' is effectively a stand-in for panacea, but it also apparently was 'sought by alchemists'. I did not know this context when I had first learned the word, but when I saw that I knew I had to keep it in my editing, as I was weighing changing it to the more common panacea.

-If we're on a 'Euden Tower Defense' era kick, one of my earliest ideas for some extra fortifications was Euden lowering the chandelier via the chain used to hoist it up and down, to steal a chain off it and then use flame mana to try to weld it into a makeshift lock and burning himself in the process. Here's a bit of that in the drafts:

For instance, directly above him was the small chandelier in his room where the candles rested atop. His gaze wandered at the chains used to support it, and quickly noticed how several were mere accessory. Only the central chain bore its weight, as the fine, decorative chain was more a display of quality metalworking than anything else. In fact, it hardly seemed to be attached at all, looking as if it were clipped on so it might be easily cleaned. Additionally, it looked like it might be made of brass, quite cheap a metal, all things considered. He had an idea. After he’d regained enough energy to attempt, he lowered the chandelier so that he might access what he wanted. Though his fingers fumbled more times than he’d care to admit, he eventually worked off a few of the chains. Satisfied, he raised the chandelier back up…and took another break.  As soon as Chelle departed again, still dogged in her ludicrous insistence that shapeshifting as he was would be a guaranteed death sentence or maiming, he got to work. He carefully laid out the chains in his palms, so they were about equivalent in length. He took a breath, knowing what he had to do, but struggling to work up the courage to do so. He took the ends of the chain in hand, clasping them in his palms in such a way that only the ends were joined. Then, he called upon the mana inside him and around him…and channeled it to his hands, much as he had when cracking the Kingshalter. Soon, he was biting his lip to stop himself from quitting as the metal heated up. He had to do this in one go.

-These next few things to break up the text are instead provided to you by WillofWinnie's explanation to me over the months about some of the hidden symbolism in some of them:

First, chapter 14's art with Euden-Chthonius here:

Is looking like his 'withered' form in some places, the way he appeared in ch.10 in the main campaign, despite Euden's Chthonius not being in that condition when he comes back to life. This is actually a reflection of Euden's state at the time, as this is at the point where he's definitely starting the steeper slope down as the fam presses more and closer to the truth.

We see other symbolism in the ch.26 one, with Euden's background being that of a 'darker' place in contrast to Zethia, standing behind the flag of Alberia in a much 'lighter' area (and so representing the family, in a sense).

Last but not least, in the final portrait of the fic, Euden is indeed cached a bit behind Aurelius (this detail actually came first from WillofWinnie in art, I believe, which I then incorporated into the writing)! It signals his continued shying away from things as well as the ongoing urge to hide behind his father a bit. The fam's smiles were also chosen tactically between their personalities and how well they're invested in presenting that image of gracious royalty over looking strong and stern.

-Elisanne and Luca were indeed at the ch.8 ball in my head, but, uh, never got ran into. I ultimately decided to avoid calling them out in the chapter, intending on using them later. You know how that little thought ended up.

-I do edit it to this day! Now, before you break out pitchforks, it's far from anything 'comprehensive' or anything to compel rereading- mostly just grammar things or minor changes, even if I do think that I could have done better in some parts in retrospect (and was caught up in the rush to share my crazy ideas with the world!). Throughout these months, I've done anything from fixed a vicious autocorrect that inserted an improper 'their/there/they're' mistake against my will into the fic, to fix two minor plotholes with minimal adjustment (one in one word, impressively), to eliminating random words that either I was misguided for or that autocorrect struck again that just didn't make sense.

But yes, all in all Scaling is largely the same it ever has been and ever will be. I do try to brush up on it in spots, however, to tweak it into becoming a little bit of a better self! It is my magnum opus, after all - I'm not sure if and or when it will ever leave my heart!

-Scaling (well, chapters of it, technically) was technically published from 3 different countries!

-WillofWinnie produced a wonderful gift to me in the form of a handmade book with the og chapter arts bound within, as well as other little things and behind the scenes there. Here's the book cover art she also made for it!

So official! And Never Coming to a Bookstore Near You!

-Leif gets fired by Leonidas for 24 hours and then immediately rehired, in the long run of post-Scaling world. He's probably still devastated.

-The three royal physicians are a sort of double reference (mostly cause the one is baked with one already). Their names are Altair, Vega, and Deneb, which are the stars in the 'Summer Triangle', and I got exposure to these names from a trio of characters in Bravely Second.

They don't bear much resemblance to the aforementioned characters, but you'll find I'm just bad at naming things and so choose cool names I can recall from video games and the like.

As for their Scaling incarnations, Deneb is the King's Physician (and she mostly just watches over the others with a fond shake of her head and grateful in her heart that she doesn't have to deal with quite as many stubborn mules), while Altair and Vega are a married couple. They formed a sort of Leif-Harle-Cecile trio of friendly competition in school, and eventually ascended all at once to the royal household. Personality-wise, Altair is too old to bother with pleasantries to the fam much, but is otherwise wry and still very much in love with his wife. Vega is a bit less harsh but still 100% willing to let the fam know they're being stupid, and still fully invested in the ongoing playful argument between her and Altair. Deneb is more of a calm, quiet type, and overall more interested in the research aspects of the job to do in their high amount of free time (but she still does care about the well-being of her charges). Aurelius would probably joke that that's the reason he trusts her - he knows he'll get the best she can so that she can go back to books as soon as possible.

While technically only one would be 'needed' for a patient base of like 9, it's law to have one for the reigning monarch exclusively (and their spouse, admittedly).

Aurelius simply decided to employ another from there to ensure that there were several to be able to respond if something bad happened to several members at once and they all needed attention or constant monitoring. It also insulates risk if a physician falls ill or injured themselves, since he ideally wants someone with the special knowledge of the ins and outs of the family health that knows their dragonblood quirks. In the end: just more of Aurelius being a cautious dad and making sure his kids are looked out for.

-Relatedly, Sonia is a corruption of 'Sonja' from Radiant Historia, who's a doctor-mechanic!

Overall an admitted much closer reference even if I don't exactly consider them the same, in part born of my desire that she actually got the screentime she deserved instead of being stuck as a minor NPC. Sonia came from a small village, but gained some skills there that later would help her stand out to the castle (since demand is high for that cushy job), specifically in low-resource or areas where natural resources are all you have. I think she originally served more to the prisoner population in the castle, but had been moved out of that division some time ago.

-To round out the OCs I begrudgingly introduced since I far more prefer to focus on the characters that are, ya know, compelling me to write in the first place, Roland as a name I just took from Roland in Triangle Strategy since he kinda looks like a guard. Theo was wholly my own naming idea, but if you're looking for one fact, I mentally run with the French pronuciation with it - it's more like 'Tay-oh' instead of 'Thee-o'! I just like the sound of it more.

-All of the elder trio's headpieces are enchanted, not just Phares'! But since they're a lot more pointed in nature, they only ever would really use them when attempting murder, and even then as a last resort if they had no other options. They like those things, and don't want to give away the secret! I have vague inclinations of maybe forcing Chelle to use hers when an assassination attempt was made in her and Euden's defense, but that never worked out even if the sentiment of 'hey let's bring back the cool headpieces' was eventually brought back for Phares Infirmary Defense.

-There are some minor personality differences for most the family in Scaling. Some are more obvious than others (Beren and Nedrick), but there usually is at least some minor tweaks. Chelle and Valyx (and some small degree Leonidas) are overall a bit less schooled/less confident of everything they are in canon, mostly because since the world is stabler, they haven't had as much harsh practice in their respective niches. I think Aurelius would have been a bit more pushy to let them take on bigger roles in canon with his fears, but here they're instead able to more slowly ascend to the role.

That's all I can immediately think of right now! Hopefully there was something that was intriguing in some capacity in here.

[resiliencebeast]

The Face in the Mirror

The days I look and the mirror and recognize my face on an emotional level instead of just an intellectual level are increasing in number. I can’t explain it. Nothing outwardly about my face has changed. I even pluck the ever-lengthening whiskers because of the sensory annoyance they cause (I am already hyper-sensitive to certain sensory inputs, I don’t need even MORE feedback about air movement and pressure changes, thank you). If anything, my face has gotten far uglier and it’s more obvious that I am chronically ill.

Is this a result of making an intentional effort to unmask a lifetime of boxed-up neurodivergence? Or is it just plain age and distance from childhood? Or is it finally taking the leap with the transition-level HRT? And I say finally because I kept waiting to find peace with some of the anxieties only to realize they may never fully go away. But something deeper was insisting “you will never know until you try” and that calm, curious voice seemed to be coming from my true self (rather than the baggage I was carrying or others). Over 230 days now on testosterone. (Puberty is easier this time around; but how come no one talks about the butt sweat!?)

And I feel more myself than I have in my entire life. Despite crippling chronic illness and regular reminders of how close death always follows me. I am feeling REAL often enough that it’s surprising. I feel more myself than I have in my entire life. I may never fully recognize my face in the mirror on an instinctual level… but something has shifted. How do I explain how grief-stricken and painful this experience is, knowing everyone expects me to be celebrating. But joy is not the only emotion we should feel when we un-kink ourselves from a cage that has shuttered us for longer than we have memory. Because you don’t – I didn’t – know what feeling real even meant until recently. And now I must grieve more than half a lifetime left half-lived. The emotions are complicated but at least they are mine. At least this is my burden to carry and not a burden I am carrying for someone else. This time. I am also not used to the fracturing of long-term friendships, especially from those people that asked for authenticity and then essentially have said “ew, not like that.” Most conflict at this friend level seems to arise from miscommunication. But the pattern I’ve noticed is that people expect perfect communication from others (me) while being sloppy with communication themselves. I recognize that behind my mask I often WAS perfect (or close to), because I just did not speak my thoughts or feelings aloud unless I had precise language for them. During that phase I was accused of being robotic, alien, uncanny. I’ve been carrying the burden of what my partner assigns my “sunk cost burden” and they are probably right.

What is love, anyway? Can you love someone or something you are disinterested in knowing? Can you love someone you can't recognize in the mirror? For me, love arises from curiosity. It’s my curiosity for things that is the foundation of passion and joy and connection.

Anyway. This comic I did ages ago is frighteningly relevant to me in this moment. I hope it helps put images and words to how others feel as well.

[holocene-sims]

oc deep dive

thank you @stargazer-sims for tagging me!! naturally, because i am predictable, i'll answer these questions for grant 🙈

not sure who has done this tag because it went around mostly when i was on hiatus, but i'll tag: @windermeresimblr @nectar-cellar @papermint-airplane @queeniecook @sparkiekong + anyone who wants to do it 💌

what uncommon/common fear do they have?

common: he's a major germaphobeeeeeee

hello, mr. showers-multiple-times-a-day! 🧼

btw i always headcanon grant as wearing masks frequently in public and always in very crowded places like airplanes. you just don't see that in-game because all the mask cc i have installed conflicts with his glasses and/or eyelashes 😔

uncommon: idk if he's afraid of anything uncommon. the main ones for him are germs + being yelled at or physically pushed around, which are common. i guess you could say noses kind of freak him out; the whole cartilage/bone/close-to-the-brain combo is a very unpleasant thought for him lolz

do they have any pet peeves?

you know how most people hate it when a two-person party at a cafe/restaurant sit on the same side of the bench? grant actually hates it when the other person sits opposite of him; he finds it a little bit awkward and lonely. he'd much rather have the friend or partner sit next to him, provided they're cool with it and a side-by-side seating arrangement is possible! ❤️

what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

his cat, probably

hand sanitizer (citrus scent)

pikachu plush acquired during the korea arc with henry

what do they notice first in a person?

physically: hair 💇 simply because hair is the first thing his eyes can see when looking at someone...unless they're the same height as him, at which point he can finally look someone in the eyes lmao

personality-wise: if they're nice to servers or other customer service workers and tip well

on a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?

at this point, it's a 10. his body is a little (a lot) banged up from old injuries and being chronically ill. when he was super young, his pain tolerance was not that great, like stubbing a toe was a serious hour-ruining problem, but he's had to get used to feeling much worse, so his "i feel great, let's go run a marathon!!" days now are probably an average person's 6 on the pain scale but a 2 or so for him. it's not that things hurt *less*, it's more that the conditions that would get him to notice his pain, pay more attention to it, or rate the pain level at a 6 or well above that are far more extreme.

do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

it depends what kind of pressure. if it's some kind of social pressure, aka being in an argument with someone or having upset someone, it triggers major fight or flight response, and usually, he's a flight kind of person. it's changed, though, over the course of the story. i think he's more willing to fight or at least just feel the fight/flight response while responding with a cool head.

if it's a non-social pressure like a situation at work, even if people are involved in the situation he needs to deal with, grant responds very differently. he doesn't get the fight or flight response here, he's always pretty level-headed and logical about non-social situations.

do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

his family is too big, but he adores them all (sans his parents and one of his sisters). grant is 1000000% a family person!

what animal represents them best?

personally, i think he could be a panda. large, cuddly, and endearing

what is a smell that they dislike?

ultimate irony: he hates the smell of cigarettes ☠️

and he finds it funny. he's unfortunately been addicted to smoking forever, but he's so irritated by the smell and also scared of bothering anyone with it that he takes extreme measures to avoid not absorbing cigarette scent lmao

have they broken any bones?

oh dear. yes, he has. lol. the whole "i accidentally knocked out/broke some of my teeth playing hockey thing" was real 😭😭

the teeth were probably the most obvious/annoying bones to break, but he did also break the pinky finger on his left hand, aka his dominant hand, at church when he was like six. he was fucking around in the church basement with his cousins and friends after some church event, and when they were leaving to go back upstairs, he shut the giant wooden door too quickly, which jammed his finger hard enough to break it 💀

how would a stranger likely describe them?

physically: giant, should have played basketball

personality-wise: charming

are they a night owl or a morning bird?

i think he's somewhere in between! he's happy to stay up late and get up early. although, even if he does stay up late, he still will always get up early. he's used to that from work and also from chronic pain bothering him in his sleep.

what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

love: coconut, chocolate, citrus, coffee

hate: strawberry, vanilla, tea

do they have any hobbies?

cooking, baking, playing video games, dungeons & dragons/TTRPGs, painting, stargazing/reading about astronomy, watching airplanes irl or in videos, watching youtube, watching cat videos on instagram reels, hiking when he feels up to it, working out, traveling, reading (he's trying to fully get back into it), etc.

boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises?

honestly, grant is one of those people who does muchhhh better with surprise birthday parties than planned parties. if you give him zero time to think about receiving love, gifts, and affection, he can't do the whole "woe is me, i don't deserve it, you're too nice" shtick

do they like to wear jewelry?

at this point, he doesn't really own any. he used to have piercings (the only ones remaining are the 🍒💍, and he did have a claddagh ring, which was a gift from his great uncle, but the piercings were lost to career dress codes, and the ring disappeared with all his other stuff that his mother threw out years ago.

so, he's not anti-jewelry, like he'd totally wear rings at least, and he regrets that his one very nice ring was lost :( i think he'd also wear a necklace if someone gave him one, but grant himself would not naturally consider himself a necklace guy, so he wouldn't go out of his way to purchase one of his own volition.

(author's note: he deserves a nice necklace)

he does wear a leather watch all the time, though, but i'm not sure if that should be categorized as jewelry or just an accessory!

do they have neat or messy handwriting?

he has very neat handwriting!

what are two emotions they feel the most?

probablyyyyyy contentment (i know that may seem ironic given the story, but i think he's generally chill *now*, and my image of him is always a little bit colored by the yet unpublished end of everything the stars promised, which will get posted some day when the plot gets to that point) and shame

do they have a favorite fabric?

he may not own anything in this fabric but minky dot!! grant has visited fabric & craft stores many times with grandma aoifeeeeee, and when he and his cousins were younger, they loved to run around the stores feeling up all the fabric. he's always fond of minky dot because (1) it's soft, and (2) the dots are fun to poke at.

what kind of accent do they have?

i feel like i've answered this so many times, but grant, in my mind, has a unique accent!! he grew up in small town upper peninsula michigan, so he's had plenty of time to absorb the yooper/midwestern accent, but he was also raised by a family full of immigrants and spent most of his childhood hanging out around his grandparents specifically and traveling overseas to visit family, so at the same time, his accent turned irish-y early on. he's not the only one that combo accent happened to, but he probably has the strongest case out it outside of his aunt and uncle.

basically, with 100% certainty, i deem that grant has never and will never be able to pronounce the th sound with the h in it or vowels without them being nasally.

it's hard to put what i think he sounds like on paper, but it's some mix of these people: (1) (2) (3)

[solacescastleglow]

How I Levelled Up My Life with ME/CFS: A Hyperspecific Guide for Absolutely No-one

***DISCLAIMER*** This won't work for many people. In no way am I saying to do what I did and all your problems will be solved. If anything, this is a message to ablebodied people that people with chronic illnesses have to work so much harder to get to the point that they get to start from.

I have deliberately kept quiet about my illnesses on this blog; it just seems 'un-aesthetic'. But then I realised how much my self improvement has been impacted by my illnesses, and how so much of my levelling up seems small and basic if you don't know about my health history. So, here it is. I have h-EDS (and everything that comes with it) and ME/CFS, and this is how I went from a 1-2 to a 5-6 on this quality of life scale by the American Chronic Pain Association.

Medication

Wait for the miracle drug and take it

For me, it was Dr. Marco Leitzke's Nicotine Test. I started using nicotine patches in February of 2024, 10 years after my disease onset, with immediate positive effects. This singlehandedly took me from housebound, in bed for 18 hours a day and crashing if I took a shower more than twice a week, to being able to cook, exercise lightly, and leave the house all in one day without major consequences. I cannot emphasise enough how much of a game changer this was for me. It doesn't work on everyone, but for some people it does, and I was lucky to be one of those people.

Get your mental health in check

I am on a combination of sertraline and aripiprazole for my OCD and mood disorder. This has made the mental load of existing much lighter, giving me more ability to think about things in a healthy way.

Movement

Moving countries/back in with my parents

While the majority of this section is about physical movement, I wanted to take a second and say that moving into a place where I have support from my parents, and also a 15 minute neighbourhood with lots of stuff going on and people being supportive and accepting, has changed a lot about me. For the better.

Somatic healing

I have a lot of trauma, from illness and other things, and all that trauma was making me sicker. Talk therapy helped me immensely, and now I'm working on somatic healing techniques to release more of that. Every thing I manage to let go of, the better my health gets. And that's not even an affirmation, that's a genuine fact.

Exercise

I know, I know. Every chronically ill person has been told to try yoga. I didn't do it for the longest time, but after getting my meds sorted out, I could finally try it without devastating consequences. And, unfortunately for my stubborn self, it worked. My theory is that yoga does help, but only if you have the capacity to do it. I've now moved on to weight training, pilates, and calisthenics, and I can rock climb and play badminton again. It's truly a beautiful thing to be able to move your body with joy.

The mental load of being a wheelchair user

It gets exhausting always being on, always supporting my core, always needing to check to make sure I'm not about to roll off a curb or bump into things. To add to that, my neighbourhood isn't the most accessible. Eventually, I got to a point strength-wise where using platform crutches took up less energy than a wheelchair. Now, I reserve my chair for longer trips I know I wouldn't make standing up.

Mindset

Playing catch up

Because my recovery was so quick, my brain still hasn't really caught up to the fact that I can do things. A lot of what I'm focussing on at the moment is based on allowing myself to leave the house, and getting into self care routines that are more in line with an ablebodied person's. There was a level of dirt that I just accepted in my life and on my body, because I knew I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. Now, I'm changing my standards, which is hard.

Self concept

The thing with self concept work is that you need proof. Proof that it's working, proof that you're not just lying to yourself. And to get that you need wins, no matter how small. Before I started nicotine patches, there was no way to do it, because any 'wins' were followed by debilitating illness. But now that I have that proof, I'm getting so much stronger, and I'm starting to identify less as 'chronically ill' and more as 'recovering from chronic illness'. I will always be disabled, but I now view myself as someone other than the sick kid, which I was stuck in for a long time.

Just start

Last year, I decided to just start complimenting strangers on the street. It was something I'd always been too scared to do, but I did it anyway, and even though it was just as scary as I thought it would be, I did it again. And again. And now I've made a friend (my only friend in almost 7 years) because of it! It's really scary, but sometimes you just have to get over the fear and do it anyway.

More

Whole foods and eating

I have no idea if the reverse is true, but my diet improved drastically because my health did. There was nothing morally wrong with the way I was eating before, but I eat more consistently and with more fresh ingredients now, which has made my stomach feel less heavy and greasy. If you want advice: get a pressure cooker, an air fryer, and the book Crip Up the Kitchen. In addition I'd suggest a food chopper of some kind, or living with someone who's willing to do the chopping.

Medical transition

With all of this, I've hit a ceiling in how much better my life can get. I'm genuinely over the moon to be at the point where the main thing holding me back is dysphoria, and I now live in a place where that can be treated. This is the next thing on my list, and I'm so excited!

[tamberlanecomic]

July Newsletter

Hey everyone! Here are some general updates for everything that’s been going on and what you can expect for this month and throughout the summer.

Health Update

As some of you may remember, right after the Kickstarter closed I was knocked out by a one-two punch of a fibro flare and Covid. While I’ve been put through the wringer, I’m FINALLY feeling like I’m crawling back out from under this extended period of sickness.

I’m still dealing with some pain and fatigue due to my fibro flare-up, but it’s more or less back to the “normal” levels of what I’m used to, so overall I’m doing pretty good. I took some extra time to recuperate from Covid in the hopes of avoiding any long Covid effects, and while I am still taking it easy, I take a lot of joy in drawing and being forced to not indulge in any of my creative pursuits have made me all the more eager to get back into the swing of things. So, I’m still being careful, but I’m also easing back into work. 

I got so many amazing comments from patrons, readers, and Kickstarter backers all encouraging me to take as long as I needed to get better, and I can’t thank you enough for the kind words and well wishes! It was measurably easier to take some time off to rest knowing I had so many people cheering me on and encouraging me to do so, so thank you so much for taking the time to say something and for sending me words of support. <3 You da best!

Comic Updates

We’re moving right along, with 12 pages currently in the pipeline at various production stages. In fact, I’ve just put three new finished pages into the buffer for $10+ patrons today! Our priority right now is to get a healthy buffer so that I can have ample time and space to catch up on other work without impending deadline pressures.

Patreon Rewards

Next, I plan to knock out a good chunk of Patreon commissions for my $50+ folks. I’ve already been doing that here and there, but I want to make sure that the oldest ones are finished first. 

Likewise, due to the chaos of a sudden move and a lot of life changes, Ari didn’t send the May postcards out until today, so I apologize for the delays there – we’re getting back on track! June’s postcards have already been sent.

Speaking of, I’ve included some of the patron reward art I just finished last week!

Kickstarter News

We still need to finish the internal book edits, draw up the Q&As, format the information in the book, and finish formatting annotations. These are all things I had intended to get done both during and after the campaign but I was simply unable to keep up with it due to health reasons. Curse you, chronic illness! 

I am also going to explore another option for getting the softcovers printed locally, which is something I will only go with if the quality is up to my standards. But we're less than $5k away from being able to reprint Chapters 1-3 so if we're able to get a cheaper local deal with a good printer, I'm willing to explore the option! 

By the way, we are now officially sold out of Chapters 1 and 2 books, but you can help us reprint them by preordering them and other stuff through our Backerkit shop!

Preorder Here

We’ll be streaming edits in the Foxglove discord server, so be sure to keep an eye out on there!

New Pride Merch

For Pride month I launched two new apparel designs as part of our Pride collection! Choose from Agender or Non-Binary Ainsley or Biromantic or Transgender Marie on comfy shirts available in a wide range of colors and sizes. 

This collection also features downloadable Tales from Treehollow comics dealing with LGBTQIA+ themes. Come check it out!

Shop Now

Artfight

I’ve never done Artfight before, but I’m gonna try this year! It’ll be fun to have little warmup drawings I can squeeze in here and there between larger projects. 

If you’ve never heard of Artfight, it’s an annual art trading game where you “attack” by drawing other people’s characters. It seems really fun! If you’re participating and want to add me, here’s my profile:

https://artfight.net/~Cvilbrandt

Thanks all for reading! May this month be ever better!