#yeah but samson basically doesn’t exist though

[leafiion]

sometimes I still think abt aya and hardy. not because I care but because I don’t care :( I thought hardy was a cute character and I was hoping aya would have her cool hero moment in the actual story. they could’ve been more, and I’m always a little sad that they basically don’t develop for the whole game.

[carrionsymptom]

Latchkey ch. 2

Read on AO3 | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

TW: Mentions of childhood abuse. AN: Chapter two here. I want to emphasize that no matter how kind Al seems in this he’s not a good person, hopefully parts I write can show that. The flashback sections aren’t meant to be an excuse for his behavior.  GN reader, but they have a name. Basically an OC but in second person.

Max wakes up with a start, jolting his head up from the front dash as his truck rolls to a stop. Spit drips from his mouth as he works to orient himself. He can see the Sun starting to set, casting long shadows across the sidewalks. He can hear Samson, Al’s Cane Corso, barking inside the house. He can feel you beside him, pulling the keys out of the ignition as you eye the house he grew up in. Right. The house.

The porch light is on, even though it’s not quite dark yet. The winking light greets you and bathes the crabgrass lawn in a warm glow. As your father regains his lucidity, you haul yourself out of the driver’s seat and are about to take off the truck bed cover when the front door of the house opens.

You’ve seen photos of your uncle, but they (all having been taken decades ago) hardly resemble the man approaching. He stands before you, broad shoulders and wide frame so unlike your father’s it’s hard to believe they’re related at all. They’re both painted with angles, but Max’s features are thin and mousy, whereas uncle Al is sturdy. That’s a good word for him. Sturdy. 

“Need a hand, kid?” His voice, the only familiar part of him, is as sturdy as the rest of him. So assured of his existence that, yeah, you do need a hand. He doesn’t grunt at all as he wedges the truck bed cover off, and he takes the few duffel bags out without even asking. He does, however, pause when he sees the pastiche of paper pinned to your father’s corkboard, but he doesn’t say anything as Max stumbles to grab it.

“Hey- hey brother,” Max murmurs, still groggy. He pats Al on the shoulder, leaning on his older brother for support. “Good to see you.”

Al, to his credit, does not look put off at all by Max’s status. You and he make eye contact, your expression grim and his guarded. He takes his brother’s inebriation in stride, dragging Max in one arm and a duffel bag in the other into the house. You follow his lead, taking the other bag and Max’s board and trailing behind him. It’s almost comedic, the two of them. They look like a comedic odd couple duo you’d see on the television, one lanky beanpole goof and his foil, a brick wall straight man. Your father yawns as he struggles to right himself while your uncle just huffs at his antics.

Al all but throws Max onto his living room couch. “This whole trip is pretty sudden,” he remarks. “What did you say you’re coming up here for?” Max mumbles a half-reply, gesturing towards the board you’re still holding with a tired gusto. “And why’re they here with you anyway? Kid usually stays back in Durango.”

You set the board down across from the couch. “Dad wanted to try to solve this whole missing kids case thing. I’m here to make sure he doesn’t kill himself. Oh, uh, it’s nice to actually meet you.” You hesitate, not knowing if a handshake is proper for a family member. You hold out your hand like you’ve never shook hands before, but your uncle just pulls you into a hug.

He’s warm, and big, and if his ease of carrying your father weren’t enough to clue you into his strength, the firmness of his chest betrays his physical capabilities. “It’s nice to meet you too,” he says as he pulls back. “Max showed me pictures of you, but it’s good to see you in the flesh, kid.” Uncle Al slaps himself on the forehead, over exaggeratingly flummoxed. “Kid, I keep calling you that. Sorry, Lonnie.” 

He says your name so delicately, like it’s some flowery wallpaper just about to rip. You never put much thought into your name in the past though, it always seemed so middle-of-the-road. Not like the strong Alexanders or pretty Delilahs you grew up with. Just… Lonnie. Plain, boring, Lonnie, but, you suppose, that’s you. 

“It’s no big deal,” you say, because it really isn’t. It’s just a nickname, one that you’ve gotten used to hearing from your father. You hold up the bag still in your hand. “Um, where should I put this?”

Uncle Al’s house isn’t by any means large, an old one story with just enough rooms for you, your father, and Al. He leaves Max sprawled on the couch, gesturing for you to follow him. He takes you past the living room, down a cramped hallway where all the bedrooms sit next to each other. Al brings you to the farthest, and the smallest.

It’s a humble room, two twin sized beds sit parallel to each other, each with matching near-threadbare sheets and blankets. There’s a small, empty bookshelf right next to the door, and a lamp perched atop it. Everything is coated in a thick layer of dust that kicks up as uncle Al brushes past you.

“Sorry about all this. No one’s used this room since Max ‘n I were kids. I don’t really have any reason to be in here otherwise.” He chuckles, voice low and heavy. He shakes his head, pushing sheets of dust off of one of the beds. 

You repeat, “It’s no big deal. A little bit of dust won’t kill me.” Your uncle smiles.

“Righto.” He nods, making for the door. “I’ll leave you to it then. Give a holler if you need anything, I’ll be heading out in a bit but I’ll try to get Max up.”

—

Sharing a room with your sibling is very rarely a productive experience. As Max sobs in his bed, Al buries his head with his pillow, trying to drown the younger boy out. It’s too damn much, the wailing. It’s a constant cycle gasping and wet sniffles drowning out all of the older brother’s thoughts. It’s hard to sleep, both because of Max’s crying and the bedsheets sticking to Al’s fresh wounds. He’ll probably get a beating tomorrow once his father sees the blood staining Al’s sheets but he’s too preoccupied with his little brother to think about the future.

Al throws the pillow to the foot of his bed, pushing aside his blanket and taking the short trek to his brother’s bed. “Shut. Up.” He grinds his teeth together, baring them like fangs. His fingers curl together into tight fists, his jaw clenches and he hunches over the sniveling form of his brother. He’s the spitting image of his father, and it only makes Max cry harder.

“Shut up!” Al repeats, hitting the mattress next to Max’s head. “Stop fucking crying! I’m the one who got hit harder, you don’t get to cry!” He wants to shake Max. Grab his shoulders and push him back and forth until he quiets.

“I’m sorry!” Max cries. “I’m sorry!”

“Just…” Al pants. “Just be quiet.”

The older brother leaves the younger’s side, returning to his own bed. He hates himself for how angry he is, nearly bubbling over onto Max. He shouldn’t be angry at his brother but even now with the silence he wants nothing more than to punch the boy square in the face.

Fuck. He’s just like his father.

[prairiedust]

Curious is a Color

“It went zip when it moved, and pop when it stopped, and whir when it stood still! I never knew just what it was and I guess I never will!” -- The Marvelous Toy Tom Paxton

Well, one mystery was definitively solved in Last Holiday.

Spoilers for 15x15 Last Holiday ahead so I’m actually putting this behind a cut...

DEAN Who needs a monster radar anyway? Or whatever that telescope thing is.

MRS BUTTERS It’s an… interdimensional geoscope?

SAM It-- it’s a... what?

DEAN (interrupting Mrs Butters) Yeah, I looked through it, but didn’t see anything.

MRS BUTTERS Oh, oh that’s not good.

After Mrs. Butters powered up the bunker, the telescope alcove was bathed in a green light that immediately begged investigation. However. That took a while to get to. It took until the end of the episode to get to.

And we now know that this is no longer a telescope pointed to nowhere. It’s a fancy spyglass, but it no longer has anything to show anyone.... It is, unfortunately, too late to see anything. The other worlds have been “deleted,” as Sam put it. Chuck’s drafts folder has only one file left. 

See, what’s interesting to me is that the telescope is a metaphor for curiosity. I’m sure when the bunker was only operating in standby, Sam and or Dean looked in it, at least once? But maybe not-- maybe they didn’t bother because it was inside, and if one assumes that it’s merely a telescope, then you’d also surmise that all you would see is the blurry brick wall. The fact that it didn’t work because the bunker was on standby is neither here nor there-- what matters is that it’s been a much specced fixture of the bunker for years. 

And once the bunker was powered up with Mrs. Butter’s magic, it worked… but it was too late. Dean did, in fact, go look into the eyepiece, but just as he expected, he saw nothing. Not because it doesn’t work, but because anything he could have seen no longer exists. The extreme lack of knowledge about the bunker has always bothered me, and was lampshaded in Last Call when Sergei told Castiel that the key to Death’s library was there somewhere. BUT, but but but, Dean went and looked in the telescope thing in Last Holiday.

That’s how meta works. When something pings the mental radar, so to speak, there is value in looking into it, just in case there’s something to be seen.

For instance, I’m a geek for allusions, no surprise. So when Mrs. Butters said that the smoothie she made for Jack was “a little yarrow root and some ground jawbone for texture,” I flipped. I tell you, I went full folk medicine nerd. 

Yarrow is good for stemming blood loss, and midwives used to use it in childbirth to prevent hemorrhaging. Good connection to Jack, whose mother died giving birth to him, right? But I wanted to know more, so did a quick webdive. The root of the yarrow plant is known as a remedy for a toothache-- likely the mechanism is astringent, and would keep blood away from the nerves, but also, teeth have roots so in a holistic way, teeth get the roots. It gets better, though-- the yarrow plants are part of genus Achillea, yes as in that Achilles, he of the Achilles’ heel cliche that Dean “didn’t get” earlier in the season-- but so named not because of a connection with Achilles himself, but because Achilles was taught by Chiron-- his centaur mentor-- that yarrow was useful for bleeding, and he then taught his soldiers to use it thusly. 

Speaking Biblically-- although, when do we ever actually do that with Spn?-- the reason that the powdered jawbone sent me is because Samson, gifted mighty powers by the lord, took up a jawbone of a donkey and killed a thousand Philistines with it. Samson lived during a time when God was actually delivering victories to the Philistines as punishment to the Israelites, and Samson was born after an angel appeared to Samson’s parents (interestingly, we don’t know which angel, because it said to Samson’s father “Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding”) and said that Samson was to hold a special covenant with God from the moment he was born. Samson had superhuman strength, and was going to be The One who would lead the Israelites to victory over the Philistines. However, Samson had, if you will, an Achilles heel-- he would lose his preternatural strength if his hair was cut, which indeed came to pass when he was betrayed by Delilah, who had his head shaved while he was sleeping, and gave him over to his enemies. There is so much more I could write about Samson and his story’s applicability to where Jack is headed. But there’s the entire internet out there for anyone who doesn’t know how his story ends.

Thirdly, remember Supernatural’s internal mythos (based on Christian apocrypha iirc) and you’ll recall that the First Blade-- the blade that Cain used to kill Abel, and that could, in tandem with the Mark of Cain, in theory kill any being -- was made from a donkey’s jawbone, and as is pointed out here. The first murder. A brother by his own brother. For reals, that is probably where, like @mittensmorgul, most viewers went as per the replies on this post, which is awesome-- that’s where we’re supposed to look, at Brother Trouble being the thing that could undo everything everyone is working for. 

And as @drsilverfish points out in that same thread, we get an echo of a Jack story-- the man-eating giant at the top of the beanstalk would “grind [Jack’s] bones to make bread,” which in a subversion of that tale is another aspect of this concoction that brings Jack low. 

Something can be said about a spell being more than the sum of its parts. But taken literally-- Mrs. Butters put those two ingredients together and Jack turned into a metaphor-- he was “weak as a puppy.” He’s defenseless because of the double-reference to “superheroes with hidden weaknesses.” He’s basically powered down by the power of allusions. Toothache, jawbone, mythical references-- he was powerless against literature and also at a purely symbolic level, language.

And what do we know about language so far in this show?

That writers lie, and their lies are powerful.

Is that stupid herb-and-bonemeal smoothie not the most densely stacked reference in the entirety of this show’s run??????? That’s so cool it gets the rest of my question mark quota for the week.

So we’re at the point, I believe, where the writers are showing us that they’ve shone a bright green light on things we’re supposed to be curious about, things that maybe we’re supposed to be discussing. On the one hand, Mrs. Butters is literally me. Correct nomenclature is important, lol. On the other, you can take the interdimensional geoscope to mean whatever you want, now that it’s original purpose is gone. It’s now pure symbol. 

We should be very, very curious about everything that’s on the page-- and even in chapters past-- from this point on, and questioning whether or not we’re taking anyone’s words literally.

[newstanmarshblog]

Carrying a Best Friend: Chapter 6

   At Red Robin, Stan & Kenny are having a wonderful time with Karen. Stan & Karen were getting to know each other a little more that it was getting up to the point they were starting a new friendship together, and that really gave Kenny a joyful smile on his face. Some of the things that Stan & Karen share in common includes their love for animals, dark superhero characters, swimming, their dream to visit Yellowstone National Park, and their strong hatred on the hit show, Dancing with the Stars. When lunch was severed to them, Stan had his impossible burger while Karen had fish & chips.

   *15 minutes later after their lunch was severed to them*

   Karen: *laughing* Wow, that was one of the best and biggest meals that I ever had in a long time. I probably won’t have dinner tonight after this.

   Kenny smiling: I’m glad you enjoy your meal.

   Stan: And my burger was just the way that I like it. It almost tastes like my mom’s cooking on veggie burgers.

   Karen: Your mom makes veggie burgers?

   Stan: Yep. Even though I still love regular burgers, but sometimes whenever I’m in a mood for a decent size meal that doesn’t require meat, I’ll ask my mom to round up some veggie burgers. You should give my mom’s veggie burger a try someday. They’re some of my most favorite things that she ever cooks, and they taste like actual burgers.

   Karen: I would love to give them a try someday. And speaking of your mom, how do you two think she’s gonna handle about your secret when you guys tell her later today?

   Stan: That’s something that I’m very nervous about. My mom may have experience a lot of crazy things in the past, but I don’t know how she’s gonna react to my unusual virgin pregnancy. I’m just hoping she doesn’t have a panic attack or something worse.

   Kenny: Well, Stan, you did said that your mom is a very trustful person. And knowing our moms very well that they love us so deeply that they’ll believe every word that we say to them, then I’m sure your mom will be very understandable.

   Stan: Thanks, dude.

   Karen: Give me a text or call sometime later after you two tell her everything.

   Stan: Do you have a cell phone with you?

   Karen: I only have a flip phone, but it still works pretty good.

   Stan: Okay, then.

   Stan & Karen exchange their cellphone numbers to each other.

   Stan: I’ll give you a call later tonight if everything goes good with my mom.

   Karen: I go to bed by around 10:00. So, if all is good between you and your mom, call me before then.

   Stan: Will do.

   After paying up for their lunch, they walk back to the McCormick’s house along with a to-go southern charm burger for Stuart. Later on following dropping Karen back to her home and saying goodbye to her, Stan & Kenny make their way back to the apartment building. And as they came in, Samson immediately gets excited to runs up to Stan. Stan gets onto his knees to greet his dog.

   Stan smiling: Hey, little buddy! Happy to see me very early than usual?

   Samson was wagging his tail, and gives Stan some kisses.

   Stan: *laughs* You’re such a good boy.

   Kenny was thinking into his mind of how adorable Stan was with his dog. It gives him a tiny ghostly blush.

   Kenny: What time does your mom come home from work again?

   Samson heard Kenny’s voice with an alert look on his face.

   Kenny: Ah, shit! Sorry, dude.

   Stan: It’s okay. It’s just the three of us until my mom comes home from work at least shortly after 5:00. And besides, I would like for Samson to get used of your presence here. Say hello to him.

   Kenny: Okay…um, hi Samson. Recognize my voice? It’s me, Kenny.

   The dog once again hears Kenny’s voice. Samson feels so confused onto why he’s hearing someone else’s voice right in front of him and yet doesn’t see that person anyway.

   Kenny: I’m sorry that you can’t see me, boy. But I’m currently a ghost that’s gonna be here for serval months, and you’re gonna have to get used to hearing me like this until I’m alive again.

   Samson begins to remember Kenny’s voice as they both often used to see each other every weekend whenever Stan takes him on a neighborhood walk. He gives Kenny a sweet bark.

   Stan smiling: He recognizes you, dude. Despite on not seeing you, he at least knows that you’re right here with us.

   Kenny: Great! Let’s see if he’ll come over to me in a further distance.

   He flies over to where the dinning table is at.

   Kenny: Come over here, Samson. Come here!

   Samson runs to where Kenny was at in a lightning speed.

   Kenny smiling: *laughing* Boy, you haven’t run up to me like that in a while.

   Stan: He sure does like you just as much as me and mom.

   Kenny: I may not be as much as a big animal lover as you and Karen, but I’ll admit, being around with Samson puts a big smile in my face. Kinda makes me wish that I have my own pet someday.

   Stan: Maybe we should talk about that with your family the next we meet up any of them.

   Kenny: Karen sometimes talks about on having a cat to keep our mice infestation under control, but we don’t have the budget to buy or adopt one at the moment.

   Stan: Well, once your family budget is settled enough, go on ahead to adopt one from the animal shelter. And besides, cats are often more affordable to own than dogs.

   Kenny: Huh, I didn’t know that. I’ll keep that in mind when we meet up with my dad again.

   Stan: And in the meantime until my mom comes back, you wanna keep on playing with Samson for the time being?

   Kenny: Sure! I definitely would love to see more of Samson’s playful energy that you keep telling me about.

   For a while, Stan & Kenny have their fun with Samson. While Stan plays a game of fetch with him, Kenny plays a game with him that’s similar to hide-and-seek, expect that Kenny makes a whispering noise and Samson has to find the exact location to where the whispering noise is coming from. After about over 30 minutes of playtime, Samson eventually gets tired out, and Stan & Kenny decided to watch some classic Terrence & Phillip episodes.

   *Later on at 5:05 pm*

   While Stan & Kenny where still at Stan’s room watching Terrence & Phillip, Sharon finally returns home from work as Samson runs up to her as he barks. Stan & Kenny can easily hear Samson’s barking from the bedroom.

   Stan: Sounds like she’s home. Are you ready, dude?

   Kenny: Ready when you are.

   Stan: *takes a deep breath* Let’s do this.

   They leave the bedroom, and then head towards to where Sharon was at.

   Stan: What’s up, mom?

   Sharon: Oh, hi sweetie. I thought you would be at home a little later than me. How was your day today?

   Stan: Well, after I pay my visit to the Mccormicks to see how they were doing, I decided to treat Karen for lunch at Red Robins.

   Sharon: Wow, really? What did you two had over there?

   Stan: I had an impossible burger while she had fish & chips. And while we were there, we got to know each other a little and found out that we had some things in common like our love for animals, and she also wants to go to Yellowstone someday just as badly as me.

   Sharon: Sounds like you two are getting along pretty good.

   Stan: Yeah, she’s a pretty fun and sweet person to be along with. I can see why Kenny loves being around with her all the time as he talks about her with me once a while. We even exchange numbers with so that way we can keep content with each once a while.

   Sharon: I’m pretty happy to hear that you two are friends now. That’ll surely make Kenny very proud.

   Stan: Oh, I’m very sure he’s feeling that way right now up above. And how was you day at work today?

   Sharon: A very surprising day. You would never believe who showed up today to have a nose job.

   Stan: Who?

   Sharon: Jay Cutler.

   Stan: Jay Cutler? You mean the former Bronco quarterback that sucked pretty hard during his NFL career?

   Sharon: That’s right. He was over here as a pit stop before his final push to Black Canyon as his vacation destination, and last night shortly after he made his rent at the motel, he was over at the bar to grab himself a beer where he had a fight with PC Principal.

   Stan: Woah! How did that happen?

   Sharon: PC Principal basically called out on Cutler for supporting Republicans that aren’t for social justice, and that was when Jay Cutler threw in the first punch. While Cutler only made some bruises on PC’s chest and jawbone, PC threw in a serious punch at Cutler’s noise that caused a bit of major damage.

   Stan: Damn. When did he showed up during your day at work?

   Sharon: He showed up unexpectedly just shortly after I clocked in. He asked me for any open appointments, and as I was setting up his nose job appointment, that was when I asked him about his broken nose and he told me everything that lead up to it.

   Stan: And what kind of nose job did Cutler ended up getting?

   Sharon: He wanted a nose job that looked like Tom Brady’s nose, but it ended it up looking more like Phillip Rivers’ nose.

   Stan: Ouch, that sucks for him. But anyway, I need to talk with you about something very important.

   Sharon: How important is it?

   Stan: Sit with me at the couch, and I’ll tell you everything.

   They both walk together to the couch, and took their seat.

   Stan: Mom, what I’m about to tell you is absolutely true, and you know very well that I would never, EVER, lie to you on any circumstances.

   Sharon: Stanley, whatever it is, you can tell me about it. I’ve always believe in every word that you say to me no matter what.

   Stan: *takes another deep breath* Some nights ago, a spirit came down to me from heaven, and asked me to take upon the biggest task that anyone has ever asked me to do. If I would’ve refused on his plea for help, he could’ve likely disappeared out of existence, and I really didn’t want that to happen since he’s someone that I care about so deeply. I accepted on helping him, but in order for that to get started, I have to carry that spirit’s fetus within me for 9 months. And now as of from this very moment, to the day that I’ll be giving birth to the spirit in order for him to become alive again, I’m currently pregnant with that spirit inside of me.

   Sharon is very stunned from what she had just heard. Her very own son, pregnant with a certain spirit from heaven. She had no idea on what to say next as she was speechless for a moment.

   Stan: Mom? Did you hear every word that I just said to you?

   Sharon: Yes, yes, I heard everything. *another moment of silence* Are you really sure that you’re not pulling my leg?

   Stan: This is no joke, mom. I cross my heart.

   Sharon: I mean, how in the freaking hell are you able to become pregnant?! You don’t even have the bodies parts required to do that kind of task! And who is this spirit person that you’re talking about?

   Stan: He is right here with us. My best friend.

   He nods to his ghostly best friend to speak.

   Kenny: Hello, Mrs. Marsh.

   Sharon gasped as she hears Kenny’s voice.

   Kenny: Sorry to scare you like that.

   Sharon: Is that really you, Kenny? As a ghost, or something else?

   Kenny: I’m a ghost that’s gonna stuck very close to Stan until he gives birth to me 9 months from now since my own mother isn’t alive to deliver me anymore.

   Sharon: How is all of this even possible?!

   Stan: I know all of this sounds very unreal to you, mom, but we’re about to explain everything. It’s gonna be a bit complicated though if you don’t mind that kind of stuff.

   Sharon: As long as I can completely understand on what’s going on, then I’m fine with that. Just first explain to me on how you became pregnant because that’s something I need to know more than anything.

   Stan: After I accepted to help Kenny, he placed his hand onto my belly, and all body parts that are needed for my pregnancy including a womb, a cervix, and the unborn fetus of him were placed inside of me spiritually.

   Kenny: This action can only be done by immortal beings like myself.

   Sharon: Wait a minute. You’re actually immortal? Like, you can’t die permanently?

   Kenny: That’s right, but we’ll explain more about that in a moment. Anyway, for any immortal beings whenever they’re not breathing in the world of the living, they can knocked up any male or female human beings that they pick only as long they know them very personally. If they ended up choosing a male to do that kind of responsibility, then those body parts are spiritually put into the male human host and will disappear in about 24 hours later after giving birth. And we’re also not allowed to fly away more than ten feet away from our human host. Out of everyone that I knew very personally that’s best suited to do this kind of task aside from my mom, it had to be Stan. My sister isn’t old enough, my dad heavily drinks, and I don’t think any of my other friends wouldn’t be willing to do it. Stan was the only most realistic choice that I had.

   Stan: Especially since Kenny is my BFF after all. It was a very hard choice for me to decide since making this decision also means I have to push back my football career aside for the time being, but I really didn’t want to lose him forever out of existence. I just couldn’t let that ever happen to my best friend that’s also like a brother to me. Losing him also would’ve meant losing a huge part of my happiness that’ll never come back ever again. If I would’ve let Kenny fade away, all of those memories that I shared with him ever since kindergarten, I would’ve never see them the same way again. And choosing to let your love one down that desperately needs you more than ever is like letting yourself down so deeply that you’ll never recover for making a dreadfully decision ever again. *begins to sob a bit* I’m really sorry, mom. Please understand on why I decided to do this. I just…didn’t want to lose another person that I truly love again so soon! *sobs way more*

   Sharon was silent for a moment while looking at her son with a sadness look on her face.

   Sharon: Stanley, you have nothing to feel sorry about after on what you just did for your best friend.

   She gives her son a huge hug.

   Stan: *still sobbing a bit* Huh?

   Sharon: I’m very proud of you, sweetheart. By choosing to help not only with Kenny in his most desperate of needs, but you’re also helping with your own heart and soul that is more important than anything else in your life. You have so much love within you even more than I can say that to myself. I’ve been so overjoyed on the type of person that you’ve been growling up as for over the years, and now, you’ve exceeded my expectations. You have the greatest human soul that I’ve ever known, and I couldn’t be more than grateful enough to fully know what you truly are…

   She gives Stan the most lovely kiss that she has ever given to him on his forehead.

   Sharon smiling: An angel.

   Kenny: She’s right. You’re just as much a compassionate person as me. Heck, I even learned some generous lessons from experiencing you helping others during our nearly lifelong relationship up to this point. As well along with my sister, you’ve been giving me some of the most happiest moments that I can ever ask for. You and I are not just the bestest of friends for the rest of time, but we’re also brothers very deep within our hearts too. And I truly love you for that very reason.

   Stan wiping his tears away as he also felted so touched by the wonderful things that were said to him by his mother & best friend.

   Stan smiling: Thank you both so much for not only giving me some of the most happiest moments in my life, but also on helping me to becoming the person that I am today. I love you all!

   Sharon: And we both love you too, Stanley. Our beloved angel.

   Sharon gives Stan one more sweet hug as Kenny also gives him a ghostly hug. And then shortly after Stan had to calmed himself down for a few moments, he & Kenny were ready to continue on talking with Sharon.

   Stan: Okay, mom. You also must be wondering about Kenny’s immortality and wanting to know more about it, right?

   Sharon: Yes, of course. If it’s just as important to know as your pregnancy, then I might as well learn all about that too.

   They explained to Sharon onto everything that they know about Kenny’s immortality curse so far. From how powerful it is, and that it came from Cthulhu somehow. Too on how often he gets killed all the time, and then gets rebirth by his mother shortly afterwards. And to how nobody can’t remember seeing him getting killed because of his curse’s ability to wipe out memories of any mortal witnessing Kenny’s random death experience.

   Sharon: My god. I’m terribly sorry to be hearing all the horrible things that you’ve been going through. I only hope that you’ll find the way to put into the end of your lifelong misery once and for all because after on what you told me everything about your curse, I wouldn’t even wish it upon to my own worst enemy.

    Kenny: Thank you, Mrs. Marsh. Me and Stan here are actually trying to find the hidden location of to where Cthulhu’s worshippers gather at since they’re the only people that should know on how my curse was given to me in the first place, and they’ll likely know on how they can get rid of it for good. And I hope you mind if I ask you this question, but do you know anyone that worships Cthulhu?

    Sharon: Sorry, but I don’t know anyone that worships Cthulhu. In fact, I’ve never even heard of him in my entire life until you two told me much about him. I apologize for not giving you guys any information. The only spiritual stuff that I know of mostly is pretty much anything from my christian faith.

   Kenny: It’s okay. The Cult of Cthulhu is not that well known to most people since they’re a very secretive group. We even don’t know how many people there are that worship him globally.

   Sharon: I see. So, they’re kinda almost like the Freemasons, but not as evil.

   Stan: Yeah, that’s a good way to say about them in a nutshell. Anyway, Kenny’s sister should provide us any future information about them from her gothic friend whenever she gets them. And once we can finally track to their secret location, we plan on going over there in hoping to get rid of Kenny’s curse once and for all before I’ll be giving birth to him.

   Sharon: Hold on a sec, Kenny’s sister knows about everything that’s going on with you two? Who else knows aside from her?

   Kenny: It’s just my sister and dad so far as we actually told them early today.

   Stan: And now we’re telling you everything about our secret as you’re the very first people that I wanted to tell. 

   Sharon: And who else do you two plan on telling to about this secret?

   Kenny: My brother is gonna be told about it eventually whenever he comes to visit here.

   Stan: I also would like to Shelly and uncle Jimbo to know about it too, but please don’t tell them through phone as I would prefer if you tell them about it privately in person. And we also plan on telling our secret to only four of our friends.

   Sharon: And which of those friends might be?

   Kenny: Kyle, Butters, Wendy, and Jimmy.

   Sharon: Ah, they’re all really good friends to trust. Out of every friend that you two have made throwout the years, I definitely like those four the most as they’re all in general good people too. But what about Cartman? You two often hangout with him a lot.

   Stan: He can be a decent friend at times, but he’s more often full of himself than anything else, and he is very impossible person to trust when it comes to private secrets because he’ll tell everyone about it in order to make himself laugh hysterically. We don’t feel comfortable at all to trust Cartman in this kind of secret.

   Sharon: Yeah, I know that feels during my college years.

   Stan: And speaking of college, I need to talk with you about rescheduling my college plans. While I’ll just focus on my Zoology studies for the time being until my pregnancy is over, I still really want to see if I can at least be qualify enough on becoming one of the quarterbacks on their football team for next year. And there might be that time when my belly is really starting to show, I’ll have to temporary leave college until my life is completely back to normal.

   Sharon: We’ll talk about that pretty soon, Stanley, I promise. But right now,  I can see that it’s almost 6 o’clock which means I gotta get going on making our dinner.

   Kenny: Wow, it’s almost 6 o’clock already? Time really does fly by pretty fast once a while.

   Stan: What are you making for dinner, mom?

   Sharon: Well, for the sake on your pregnancy, you’re in luck. I’m making salmon along with a side of broccoli. And for dessert, I got you a yoghurt cake that is strawberry themed.

   Stan smiling: All right!

   Sharon: I’ll call you two when everything is ready.

   Stan: Okay, mom. In the meantime, I’ll just give Karen a quick phone call since I promised her that I would call her later today.

   Sharon: Alrighty, then. See you two in a bit.

   About thirty minutes later after Stan & Kenny had their long conversation with Sharon and then making a quick phone call to Karen to let her know that everything went pretty well, they rejoined with Sharon on having a nice dinner together. Stan really loves his mother’s cooking so much that he even at one point said to her that her cooking skills out shines Randy’s any day. Following from finishing up their dinner and then giving Samson his dinner bowl, it was time for dessert.

   Stan excited: Aw man, I’ve been looking forward to this the most!

   Sharon: I know how much you love your strawberries, sweetie. Enjoy!

   Stan takes a bite from his slice strawberry yoghurt cake, and he freaking loves it.

   Kenny: How is it?

   Stan smiling: Dude, once you’re alive again, you need to try this! This right here, is the best dessert of my life!

   Sharon: I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying your dessert, honey, but also try not to eat it so quickly. You need to eat your meals nice and normal during your pregnancy, just like how you were eating with your dinner plate.

   Stan: Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. Oh, and since you mentioned my pregnancy, there’s something else that I’ve been needing to talk with you about.

   Sharon: Let me guess, you want to know much from my own pregnancy experience so that way it’ll help you get through your first and likely only pregnancy experience at least a bit easier?

   Stan: That’s right! How did you figured it out?

   Sharon smiling: Mother knows best, sweetheart. As a person that went through two pregnancies, you’re gonna need to learn as much from me as possible so that way Kenny will be healthy enough by the time he is born.

   Kenny: Can you give us a few advices for the night, please?

   Sharon: Sure!

   Stan firstly told his mother that he already found some information from the internet on how to eat and drink healthy for the next nine months. While Sharon was pretty pleased from hearing that, she still gave him on extra tips for his new food diet. One of them being is to stay away from many common snack foods like sugary cookies, candy, and Doritos. And for breakfast, Stan will have to say goodbye to Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes for a while and stick with Multigrain Cheerios and Kellogg’s Red Berries cereal. As for other important advices, Sharon recommends for Stan & Kenny to reduce as much stress as they can because too much stress can lead to Kenny becoming born prematurely that’ll result in having medical problems. Another advice that she gave to them is that they’ll need more than just on having 7 hours per sleep and should instead get as much as somewhere between 8-9 hours per sleep every night, or even sometime take a daily nap whenever they don’t get much needed sleep. And lastly, there was Stan’s main exercise routine that he often does everyday: walking. While he can still take Samson on his regular 30 minute morning walk as usual even as his belly will grow big in the months to come, but once his belly starts to get larger and in during those months if he needs or wants to go somewhere, he’ll have to start driving around more often instead because over walking will not be good for his pregnancy. As for other exercise suggestions, Stan can do weight lifting for each of his arm in serval minutes as long as the dumbbells that he uses weighs about to at least 12 lbs. And on bad weather days, Stan can try on doing yoga lessons which was something that he really doesn’t do at all as he usually prefers the workout style that he receives from football practice, but for the sake of his pregnancy, it’ll have to do.

   It was almost 9 o’clock by the time they’ve end their second long conversation, and Sharon needed to catch her breath for a while from giving Stan & Kenny plenty of pregnancy tips for one night. Meanwhile, Stan & Kenny took Samson outside to let him do his potty work, and then returned back in ten minutes later.

   Stan: Samson did one huge pee out there, so hopefully that’ll keep him from begging to go outside at three in the morning.

   Sharon: That’s good. And boys, I have one more question that I’ll like to know about.

   Kenny: What is it?

   Sharon: When are you two gonna be telling about secret to your four friends?

   Stan: We don’t know yet. It really depends on their schedules whenever they got enough free time.

   Sharon: Well, keep me informed on that once you two have come up a date for it.

   Kenny: Hopefully it’ll be sooner than later when we tell them.

   Stan: Yeah, same. But right now, I just want to have some quiet time before I go to sleep.

   Sharon: Okay.

   Stan: Oh, and mom. Thank you so much for everything today. It really means the whole world to me.

   Stan walks over to his mother to give her one last sweet hug for the night. Sharon was very surprised to be hugged by her lovely son for once as she was usually the one that dose all the hugging, and that Stan doesn’t give hugs to people very often. Heartfelt by her son’s action, she gives him another kiss, but this time in the lips.

   Sharon smiling: And thank you for making me the most happiest mom in the world. Good night, my sweet angel.

   Stan smiling: You too.

   Stan walks to his bedroom.

   Kenny: Woah, dude. I’ve never seen you doing anything like that in ages.

   Stan: What do you mean?

   Kenny: Hugging your mom like that. The last time that I ever saw you giving someone such a hug like that was with Chef shortly before his death.

   Stan: Well, just like being with you, she makes me very human. Like back when I used to live at my dad’s farm before moving out, she would help me and Shelly to keep our good sense of humanity sprit alive despite of the hardships that we all had over there. Along with you, Kyle, and Wendy, my mom is one of very few people that helps to keep my life logical, hopeful, and happy around me. Without all of you, I might as well could’ve became a goth again.

   Kenny smiling: Thanks, Stan. You also make me very human just as much as Karen does. My life would be very senseless without you two.

   Stan smiles back to his BFF for a moment.

   For the rest of the hour, Stan & Kenny just chilled out while watching a documentary about Pets on Youtube, and then Stan gets himself ready for bed.

   Kenny: You know, dude. Just by watching that documentary really wants me to make an adoption on a cat for my family the more I think about it.

       Stan: You wanna do a visit to the animal shelter at some point?

   Kenny: Hmm, I don’t know about doing that during this pregnancy, but I’ll think it over later.

   Stan: Okay, then. Let me know when you made a decision about that.

   Kenny: Have a good night.

   Stan: You too.

   They both shut their eyes for a good night long sleep.

   In the next chapter, Stan & Kenny talks to Kyle, Butters, Wendy, and Jimmy about their secret.

[iimmcrtalis-archive]

DA verse

a summary post of all my active muses verse(s) in dragon age because i’m f EELING IT BOYS. except terry for rn bc it’ll be Hard. one day. gonna try and go in a from least knowledge bout their verse to extensive knowledge of ‘em so. ayy

this is a pretty long post i apologize to those on mobile!!

Nova; mage(???), human ( ? ), possibly a distant noble

probably a mage? because blue space magic is her jam. though she’s actually more of a combat & tech. she was like well rounded in that regard so i’m considering iunno??? battlemage maybe w/ lockpicking who knows. she’s a sneaky mage that can stab u real good.

would probably also assume she’s pretty good as inquisitor because she would treat it as her role and thing she still has to bare and takes it seriously. like nova is no nonsense as inquisitor but absolute nonsense when she’s not playing that role lmao. 

Morgan; mage?? human af ye. defo a noble blood t BH. 

i unno man. iunno. is he a mage? yeah probably. would he be a legit battlemage + arcane warrior? probably. Would i say he uses a real sword? pro b ab ly. like listen he’s a beefy mage who wears normal armor and probably looks like a fckn non mage but bOOM SUDDENLY LIGHTNING FROM HIS HAND W H AT 

iunno he’s a mage and he’s aggressive as FUCKKKK. aggro as fuck. probably sides withhh iunno both he’d want both and think it’s wasted potential to only have one lmao. iunno he’s hard to figure out man. he’d ultimately probably be like templars because actual ppl who know how to fight. but also wouldn’t wanna condemn the mageS??? so who knows who knows. 

anyways he probably likes blackwall and the iron bull and viv and cass?? and just ye. chills w/ them a lot probably. probably would flirt w/ cass tho god. butw/e no he’s uhhhh real aggressive as a fckn inquisitor like every body getting beheaded. except a few probably.. he would probably make uh... whats his name... tranquil tbh. worse fate than death that yes he would wish on his enemies bc otherwise they get what they want & too risky otherwise. 

Igne; old af elf, probably an assassin combo w/ magic??

like listen if you tell me that they can’t be both ima fckn punt u bc really that’s dumb. defeats the point of multiclassing in the fantasy genre of g am es. anyways really tho they’re old. old as balls. probably? iunno. probably served like... andruil for a while or somethin! got a lil lil corrupted but didn’t want it and wanted freedom so they were like FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUTTIE 

how’d they live? no idea. not a single clue bc i just don’t know jackshit bout ancient elf shit anymore (when did i ever) but honestly. it’s probably a thing right? old af elves everywhere. but no no they’d probably even annoy sera bc like they’re literally?? nonsense. violent af nonsense. hanging off a roof with a fckn potato in their mouth & lookin ready to murder. 

it’s a look™  but nah thinkin that u hhh corruption shit is probably what gave them a red eye ayyy

inquisitor igne is like dagger eyes at solas but doesn’t snitch on him ever not even once. she’s got his back man. she’d be like cool i’ll plaY BOTH SIDES SUre. sure. no mercy run on ppl tho god 

EVELYN / ISENE; old af elf. got that fckn combo again

it’s a theme really, combo classes. all my muses? multiclassed fuckers.  for a detailed everything, please refer to her old blog bc this is gonna be a stupid summary of it so ayyy.

old as dicks dude. lost her arm in the rebellion, against the rebellion. served elgar’nan because he fits her the most tbh. still sort of serves him i guess. like if he showed up she wouldn’t hesitate to follow his orders is what i mean here. otherwise she keeps up the facade of being a former dalish elf mercenary. and definitely doesn’t shy away from admitting she’s got magic. never calls herself a mage because  like lmao 

she has a fckn big ol sword she carries around one handed? and if ur like UR JUST A MAGE she’s gonna use said big ol sword to chop ur head off. not a fan of modern mages tho lmao. at all. like not a lot of sympathy for them. but she would also just kick a circles door in and be like cool leave gtfo you weaklin lil fucks jfc go learn somethin. 

would fight solas in a denny’s parking lot at 2am if she knew jack shit. but she really doesn’t so she’s like ur weird and i dont trust you  butyeah lm ao

Eludysia; ngl i unno if she’s old old but she’s Old. Old seer lady. 

honestly i think she’s not gonna have much of a da verse in general but it exists enough that i feel like i should cover it here. but essentially she’s an old elf seer in rivain. leader of a port side town. No chantry or qunari around its a lot of elves tho. refugees and what not from kirkwall and stuff. 

i unno if she’s an ancient elf but i know she’s old. like real old. so who knows

if she is ancient she probably woulda been like a priestess to ?? falon’din or dirthamen??? because seer shit but like even in a current state she’s fairly devoted to on e o f them or both? probably both lmao. so it’s w/e. 

she’s the former keeper of the clan revas got sent to, which is where revas’ mom is also from and how she gets to that clan. but she was keeper of the clan for like.. a long time like a long time. like that bald fuck from da:o  but without plaguing people with a curse. iunno how she did it but magic and better than that shit. 

more important if revas is inquisitor because lmao she’d probably be like.. welp im gonna come guide you?? probably.   shit she’s probably like emerald knights old tho shit but no fuckin!!! probably comes to be an advisor. 

i think if u go revas as commander/advisor or inquisitor in a thread eludysia’s probs gonna show up and be like sup  but otherwise she’s mainly just a contact in rivain for info and resources!! no special quest or anything u can just contact her for stuff. 

Warren; half-elf, half-qunari. big man w/ a bow.

&& a thick af accent let’s be real here. 

i haven’t made a post about his shit yet so! this one might be a lil longer!! 

grew up in/around starkhaven. in an alienage somewhere really! but he’s got that starkhaven accent. probably just fumbled his way there because honestly he got fucking ditched by his people and has no idea who his parents are lmao. just knows his mom died during child birth and he was fuckin cursed essentially via his?? clan or something. that qunari bit of him is real obvious as his horns grew out and probably had a harsh life in an alienage. 

because he’s not an elf. but he’s not human. and he’s not a qunari. so he’s just. him. 

eventually falls in with some ppl who teach him to steal. so he does a lot and then gets busted and they fckn break his horns off and chop his ears!!! and throw him the fuck out. as you do. but they taught him to use a bow so he’s good with that. and knives. good at close quarters and a long range.

gets better with a bow. real top knotch stuff. ends up in a mercenary crew (same one as qunari inquisitor? probably.) enjoys his merc lifestyle ya know has a good time killin shit 

anyways. companion warren is p much like ‘Strength & force.’ because he has no tact and doesn’t care about politics. like one day i’ll have his approval / disapproval shit. but today is not that day.

but the same applies to his inquisitor shit. he’s fucking brutal as an inquisitor. cares about the little people but FUCK the rich. takes the well for himself ( tho if i would also say revas is there bc i can and she’d take it) but generally just!! give him power and let him kill shit!! that’s all he cares about. tho he wouldn’t kill samson or calpernia bc he doesn’t see them as enemies or villains truly? just pawns in a big scheme and he’d probably stare corypheus in the face and be like get fucked you saggy fuck 

he’s great, great guy. 

Revas: Keeper. Dreamer. Dalish elf. 

literally like most people know Revas’ Dragon Age basics!! but if you don’t i’ll just direct you to her old blog, so you know what’s up.  i’ll put it into a summary the best i can tho! 

Backstory: short and simple? #fucked.  expanded? she was born to the lavellan clan to one of the head hunters & warriors. ended up having magic so she was sort of training to become second, or first, till her moms old clan was like hey we need a new first so uhhhh help us out. and they traded some goods and revas went on her way. ended up being a fucked up situation where the previous first was murdered by two clanmates who eventually tried ( and did) murder revas but she came back bc lmao spirit help & ended up killing them and leaving for her actions.

Dragon Age: Awakening:  full page about it Takes place shortly after this event happened. she lived on her own for awhile, protecting people as much as she could from darkspawn during the blight. ends up going to the wardens because someone doesn’t appreciate her help since she’s a Mage.     The choices made by the warden in regards to her effect how she becomes a warden and the rest of the timeline. Sort of a branch off feel. highly recommend taking a look at the page and also this post. 

DA 2:  If not in the Awakening verse, Revas travels around to the clans. becoming a traveling keeper & helping the clans the best she can. As well as finding ruins and exploring man memories from lost objects. Eventually finds her way to Kirkwall to actually speak with Merrill. But some other shenanigans play out and some stuff goes down. Ends up helping in the fight at the end and leaving with Zevran ( @allurfavesrqueer‘s zevran only lmao. )

DA:I     Companion: Shows up in fereldan with some tree peeps. gets some elvhen shit. offers her services to the inquisition bc that’s what her spirit told her to do. and ya know real fucky. shares some approvals as solas but usually has some pretty contrasting opinions on things! Will defo take on the role of like older sibling or sibling figure with the inquisitor if they’re close enough. Be kind to elves & mages and you’re good.  ( also she’s an option to take the well if the inquisitor doesn’t want it) 

   Advisor: Takes up an offer by the inquistor to become an advisor which is more or less her using her network with the elves around the countries to do certain objectives and what not. acts a bit like an ambassador for the elves & mages in the meetings to give them a voice and remind the human board of trusteeeess that they’re fucking not the only ones around :)) 

  Commander: Mainly with @desiderrium‘s Cullen. Basically Revas takes over for Cullen? at his request kinda because she’s like what the fuck you’re whAT. and gets pissed at everyone else for keeping him on when he’s Not Okay even if she’d rather kick his teeth in 99% of the time. why revas take over? because she’s actually p fuckin qualified, gestures vaguely towards being a first and the advisor au. like she knows how to lead ppl so ayy. 

  Inquisitor: Same ish backstory happens except her parents died to the blight and she left the clan for the other and ye same shit happens. but the clans ask her to go check shit out for them and shes like of course and gets caught up in the mess so. 

ALRIGHTY !! 

so that got long but yea!! hopefully this is a more condensed version of stuff and good for reference later. 

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - M. Night Parablamyan

You’ll be pleased to hear that Comic Sans has gone on indefinite leave. Also, the formatting has now become single line spacing, until I find I don’t like it or something. Let me know if you like it/love it/don’t give a monkey’s butt.

As ever, Emma can be found on Twitter as @Waruce, usually during PPVs.

Transmission date: Monday 12/Tuesday 13 June 2017.

all up in this bitch, cos it's SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW! raise your hands if you can't remember thing one that's been happening on raw shit, can't type with my hands raised rescind that last advance warning: if i make more mistakes than usual in this writeup, extend me some leniency on account of i can barely see straight, because it's fucking summer so my eyes are full of TREE SPERM and MUCILAGE and THE DEATH OF ALL THINGS seriously, it's a party but oversharing aside, let's watch some wrestlemans and wrestlewomans, although the raw wrestlewomans' division needs to figure out what the fuck it's doing

we open with a recap of joe talking shit to an absent devil who i think is going to be turning up this week? i say that like i care and also him choking the life out of a small portly jewish man and being the most well-spoken kind of psychopath snapping into the present, we're apparently in the cajundome and immediately hit brock's music hey, they know what the fans want now i just need to figure out why they want that so yes, the championship is here, attached to the walking embodiment of technically-legal masking agents but thankfully, only paul has a mic apparently this is the day of joe's fuckupening i paraphrase, but i wish i wasn't "Like a shark luring the chum into his domain..." paul, i think we need to take you to seaworld or some shit apparently joe was somehow abusing brock's ring, despite the whole bit where he hasn't been here in a couple of months paul is hastily retracting everything complimentary he said about joe last week and now throwing shade about the fact that joe's not part of the anoa'i dynasty? that's certainly an esoteric burn the angle is that the coquina clutch would probably fuck brock up, but joe won't be able to get it on him because he ain't shit related note: can we have a moratorium on white dudes calling poc a 'mutt' or similar? leaves something of a bad taste joe arrives, him and brock immediately unload on each other kurt sends in security, brock kills them all, so paul calls in the whole roster to pull them apart and they kind of suck at it leave security to the pros, guys all the faces are clinging onto joe like he's the messiah and end thing, apparently tonight's main event is kkb/hardyz for the title round #34982, but this time it's two out of three falls cut for ads, and we come back on a recap video of the exact thing we just watched i know i say my memory's bad, but seriously booker's still here, because shut up with your reasons

but now, here's elias and his guitar and his array of scarves weirdly, this crowd seems pretty split on him he's written a song about the brave inhabitants of the cajundome asks the crowd to be quiet while he plays, cole immediately starts talking so yeah, this is a song about how louisiana and dean ambrose aren't collectively shit so here he comes elias, please never try and rhyme 'breath' with 'darkNESS' again recap video of the deep strangeness of miz's championship celebration aka, The Day Mike Fucked A Clock With A Chair (and offended his wife) i did like the ending of it, though it's nice to have the cameramen acknowledged as something that exists in-universe elias samson is present, so naturally corey is immediately salty as fuck he hates dean, too, but seriously "The man has the vocal stylings of a pigeon that's been stepped on!" (fun fact: i would probably listen the hell out of an elias samson album) (just do acoustic covers, whatever, i just like his voice) so far, this match consists mostly of dean trying to trashweasel his way out of trouble and elias shutting him down duelling chants seem a bit harsh: "You can't wrestle!" "YOU CAN'T SING!" dean gets his usual comeback sequence comprising a strange mix of real wrestling skill and just running in the vague direction of your opponent and hoping they fall harder than you do elias stands far too close on a suicide dive, basically just grabs dean and walks backwards like oh no i am defeated dean gets the upper hand of a super slow turnbuckle spot, miz runs in to bother him elias still can't even pick up a distraction pin maryse is backing miz up, so at least they're still okay dean goes for miz, he does the wife-shaped shield thing it doesn't work at all, miz gets beaten on a lot dean gets back in the ring, elias does a nasty knee drop on his back as he comes in, swinging neckbreaker for the pin "By hook or by crook, a W is still a W!" are you in a fucking ionesco play, corey

but now let's have more of goldust doing his thing his thing, of course, beign sitting in a chair at a terrible frame rate and quoting films dude, if you just turned that chair a bit, you wouldn't have to crane your neck like that can't be good for you but yeah, vague threats in the vague direction of r-truth

but now we're backstage, and an angry kurt has words for the miz those words basically being FUCKIN' QUIT IT he has enough trouble with big samoan guys named joe miz insults kurt, alludes to his indeterminate personal problems, you could chew the tension demands dean be suspended or fired, kurt retorts with a) shut the fuck up, and b) no maryse is apparently still angry at her husband kurt walks off, miz splutters, end thing cruiserweight time now, after this video to remind yiu just how good cedric alexander is, since he's been away for a while and here's noam dar arguing with his phone backstage cedric comes in to remind noam how done he is with him and his girlfriend's collective shit she is, of course, on the other end of the phone she's injured, but she wants her scottish sleazeball to beat cedric right the fuck up tonight cedric's like fuck, fine, whatever, i'll fight you tonight, but then can you please go bother literally anyone else

so yeah, now it's time for that match noam is still on his phone on speaker as he starts his entrance they're having a barely-audible argument and the phone's casting to the tron for some reason also, noam has a new jumper, and it's nowhere near as good alicia wants to be on the line through the match, noam does not want this the ref's like dude sort your shit out we've got a match to have finally puts it down in the corner, bell rings, lumbar check, end alicia is piiiiiiiiissed that's still an absolutely vicious finisher noam is trying to salvage this telepresence argument while also going oh holy fuck my spine hype no. 58 for the main event

but up next, bray wyatt...does a thing, i guess? he's certainly present and i'm ok with that but now a video package of roman, because god knows we haven't seen so much of him see, this package makes him look good, cos it's just the big spots and not all the slow-ass bullshit between them next week, roman has an announcement about summerslWYATT CUT bray fills the screen, tells us cheerfully that the world is ending does the i'm here thing, and now he is after a randy-based wyatt cut, for some reason did someone click the wrong file? corey calls bray 'bizarre', somewhere goldust is like wait a fucking minute bray's going to kill everyone who sins, sits in apathy while people sin, or blaspheme against him apparently seth lives in a house where his architect's blueprints cover the windows and block out the sun this may just be a parable, but it's a fucking great image oh, apparently bray shattered it because it was a glass house? did you mention this before, bray? bit of a shitty twist other wise m. night parablamyan and now seth will be picking splinters of glass out of his soul for eternity that's a fucking greek god level of ironic fate so yeah, anyone who takes the dark lord's name in vain will get fucked on speaking of, here comes seth to get fucked on/pick glass out of his soul i'd be good for either he's like wait a minute dude you cost me my match because i called you names that seems disproportionate but by the way, you suck seth claims he's here to pipe bomb some truth at us, calls bray a coward don't insult him, he has a backwards tractor bray takes the opportunity to give a sermon on pride, tells seth he, too, ain't shit like lol kingslayer ain't that cute *teleports backstage* bray claims he'll win because gods live forever think we need to read you some egyptian/norse myth there

but now, charly has the hardyz in the led interview backstage corridor whatever thing the hardyz would like you all to remember that they're awesome and that jeff has an unhealthy predilection for jumping off things but now, enjoy this montage of what cena's been up to and remember that he'll be back in an episode i am unlikely to blog

but now we have kalisto vs titus, through the medium of his younger, happier dude and akira tozawa is standing in the front row, because titus wants him on brand apollo beats on kalisto, titus stands by the barricade shouting at tozawa like DUDE LOOK AT MY BOY ISN'T HE GREAT tozawa is like please stop shouting at me kalisto goes for an excessively flippy handspring springboard stunner, apollo counters to a spinout powerbomb for the win titus drags tozawa into the ring for an uncomfortable selfie with them he's just like dude stop hugging me

but now, HARD CUT TO CLOSEUP OF RHYNO PUTTING CHEEZ WIZ ON CRACKERS we all needed that miz has come with a proposal for heath to become part of his entourage rhyno is like dude i'm standing right here miz promises to make all heath's dreams come true, heath's like well i've always wanted to be ic champ hmmmmm miz offers him a shot if he joins the dark side rhyno's like you know what fuck you dude i'm gonna go find kurt to give us a match against you maybe rustle up a friend we're out *aggressively eats crackers* so yeah

spot about that theme park competition thing, but now here's alexa our resident wrestlewoman with her shit together oh hey, a recap of last week's match so it did happen after all no, alexa, don't kick off by mentioning your match at extreme rules we're all trying to forget on saturday, we've got the first women's mitb match, but fuck that noise, tonight's about me but here's nia to take issue with the fact that alexa offered her a title shot, then whined about it and cheated out of it alexa's like i know right we should have had a great match but those two fucked everything up so here come those two mickie's redesigned her gear to play up the Native elements again chest dreamcatcher and everything mickie and dana try to remind everyone how much of a bitch alexa's been to nia in fornt of everyone alexa's like lol no i think your eyesight's going ah, cheap ageist jokes but now,...hit emma's music not that i'm gonna complain fucking love that music *beep boop beep boop* emma announces her dramatic return, demands a shot for the title alexa's just like um do you even go here and now here's sasha fuck it, everyone in the division in the segment that's how we do wrestling, right? so wait, are alexa and nia the only heels on the show? seems unbalanced sasha mocks alexa for literally everything she does, punches her in the face, cue brawl and hard cut to an advert for the episode of smackdown i'l be watching later back from ads, and we've got the 6-woman tag match we all saw coming so yeah, emma's still a heel, just one with a problem with the even heelier champ so yeah, emma's back, with weird shoulder things and boobface and everything although following a gear redesign, the boobface has gone from :) to :o it's great that she's back because she's great, but it does mean i have been once again demoted to the second coolest person to bear the name formulaic tag, sasha hot tags in to beat on emma, alexa decides to just walk off instead of letting emma tag out, bank statement for the tap this is not how you make friends

confirmed, later we have slater/rhyno vs miz/[NAME]

but next, corey talks to bayley about her utter lack of extreme after this advert for gold bond and MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY cole massively hypes it, then is like wait what the fuck am i saying that's the wrong brand smoothly done and now, have a package about how great finn is, and that is THE ONLY ORDER THOSE WORDS GO IN complete with lots of shots doing the arms and telling us how good he is

but yes, now we have corey/bayley just by his existence, corey must remind her how extreme she's not for the love of god, woman, get a tatt bayley's like hey i've never been in that situation before i'm a normal person i don't want to hurt people corey's like um have you ever wondered why you're in this business bayley does this whole motivational self-improvement thing which doesn't really work on its own cena does that, but with the understood subtext that if you get in the way of him being his best self, he will fuck your shit right up and bayley says her next thing is to get the belt back manageable steps slightly awkward hug, end interview so that was a thing

but now, here come A ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAND (and his friend) rhyno should rebrand as a one man road crew miz and maryse arrive, wearing the mania jackets again, because all the best people read this blog (hey, mike) apparently he approached elias during the advert break, who said yeah fuck off dude so here comes his partner with music that sounds like the laughing fucking gnome of something and on a tricycle it's the bear although this bear is much taller and walks like dean ambrose corey christens him Big John Cubb crowd chant for a tag, miz is like i'm not a moron do you think i don't know who this is corey is just spamming us with spurious life facts about the bear because of his refusal to tag in a large mammal, rhyno is just fucking miz up all over the place cole makes a reference to the jbl and cole show, to reward dedicated weirdos bear tags himself in heath tries to take his mask off, bear punches him in the face good to know bears follow lucha tradition does a bearhug (naturally), heath nearly taps miz tags, then starts beating the piss out of the bear at ringside rips off the mask, revealing some dude, once again and rhyno spears miz into the netherworld throws him back into the ring, bear follows, heath tries to convince him to turn on his master, bear hits heath with dirty deeds, excessively long realisation beat, he unmasks and is in fact dean did...did we just get twin magicked by a bear? IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, MIZANIN! ahem dean goes for miz, he jumps and knocks maryse off the apron she hobbles off with a dark look dean stands there with a magnificent ooooooops look until miz turns around, when he hits him with dirty deeds and puts a still-unconscious heath on top of him for the pin slater and rhyno leave, dean puts the bear head on miz and walks off this just became strange this feels like it should be on one of those serial killer warning sign lists miz eventually rips it off, glares, end segment

hopefully we should have the main event next, if they want to give it the time it deserves oh, looks like we actually are huh was not expecting them to do the whole sensible booking thing recap video of the most beautifully-executed surprise return at mania and also this entire feud i'd forgotten how good their heel turn was, as well oh wait, never mind, neville's here phew if wwe started booking things in a sensible, organic way that gave things room to breathe, i wouldn't know what to do rich swann enters, does his usual dancing, gets punched in the back because neville's taken a bunch of levels in twat oh wait was that the neville level i get it beats swann all over the place, rings of saturn until he stops twitching demands his belt and a mic neville crouches by swann, recites a list of pretenders he's fucked on, kicks him out of his ring starts a monologue like it's good to be the king but will all you usurpers just fuck away off namechecks tozawa, hopefully kickstarting a feud that i am down for like you would not believe apparently titus tweeted that selfie and suggested tozawa might win the title the king is less than amused but now, charly interviews the kkb cesaro has a copy of the hardyz' autobiography so they can laugh and throw it away they keep getting more things on their jackets including they live OBEY patches, which is cool

and next, enzo/cass vs anderson/gallows seriously, you should really logically need more time for a two out of three match than a normal one this show has like half an hour left and we still have to see enzo do a thing or not, who knows with this angle douchebag joisey music hits, nobody is here cut backstage, cass is on the floor under some girders the revival walk past in the background, no reason cass says he went down with one blow to the head, emphasises how HARD they hit enzo doesn't want him to fight, but he insists but in the ring, gallows and anderson are here to trade secondary school burns and muttley laughs about enzo and cass hit twat music again, long beat, and here they are accompanied by a bunch of refs like seriously dude this is a terrible idea if only we had some power to stop this match happening alas, we are only lowly wrestling officials, all we can do is point and harangue corey calls enzo a trash fire masquerading as a human being, which i'm like 80% sure is a john oliver line? sort your material, dude cass beats on anderson through weaponised staggering, finally ags out enzo's 3am-behind-a-hollister style works for a bit, until anderson just kicks him in the head a bunch and tags gallows in cass is lying on the floor outside and magic killer for the pin turns out going into this match with a recent head injury was a terrible idea who knew they set him up for another magic killer, but here comes a big shooooooow to help at which point the heels run away and enzo and show awkwardly hug which is what cass comes around to see fuck daggers, he's glaring broadswords show leaves, cass comes up to his partner like the fuck dude, cut to ads

main event next, fucking finally

ok, no, we have to watch an r-truth reaction video first these have a solid frame rate at least, but that's come at the cost of things like 'colour film', and 'not having r-truth' truth quotes network, forgets to cite it, promises to get goldust got get got got get, end and now in the corridors, enzo comes up to show like dude, the clues all kind of point to you, so i have to ask show's like what the fuck you twat i...oh wait, it's your partner, what a twat calls cass sawft, walks off, end

but now we have a recap video of brock and joe from the start of the show why the fuck do we even need to see this just get to the main event already less than 20 minutes left this is not enough time for a properly-paced best of three match with build and everything oh, and now we get to see joe talking to mike mcmikemike backstage apparently this whole debacle has been exactly according to joe's plan this plan has never been clearly stated which is probably also exactly as planned we are all dancing on a large samoan's palm

but now, here come the hardyz fucking finally oh, and an advert break and that package for how great roman is again siiiiiiiiiiigh thing i didn't quite catch before this cut: is matt hardy wearing a fucking button-fronted short-sleeved shirt? that makes no sense for anyone whose gimmick doesn't include the words 'Caribbean', 'dipshit', or 'Caribbean dipshit' cut back, and now he's wearing no shirt ah well guess some things can just never be known and here are the kkb they've kept the jackets, but gone without shirts to maximise the orbital terawatt laser effect of their entrance bell rings, just over twelve minutes left in the show fucking hell, wwe trust your talent the teams clearly know time is against them - sheamus tries to open with a brogue, then immediately takes poetry in motion and a twist of fate for a nearfall and then sheamus basically just punches jeff in the face for the first fall? this match had so much potential sigh and now, let's cut away for an ad break and naom, gallows and anderson advertising pizza hut buy pizza from us, so twats can take it off you and back to the match recap of the first fall - jeff went for a twist of fate, sheamus countered, threw him into the corner, and did a slightly underwhelming kick to the face for the pin and now we have sheamus just kicking the shit out of jeff jeff mule kicks sheamus into a blind tag, matt hot tags in and starts mashing cesaro's head into all the turnbuckles does a delete, on the grounds that anthem probably don't give a shit, right? kicks sheamus off the apron, twist of fate on cesaro for the win i hope this narration is giving some sense of how perfunctory and artificially quick this is that's two falls in just under five minutes in a fucking championship match sheamus kicks jeff off the apron, kicks matt in the face, knees matt in the face, still can't get a pin turns out all my problems cannot, in fact, be solved by kicking jeff breaks up a pin, sheamus throws himout of the ring, cesaro goes for a neutraliser on matt, matt counters, cesaro counters that back into a sharpshooter, rope break nice sequence then matt goes for a small package, which kind of just seems like a dick move double hot tags, jeff does his usual spots, twist of fate to sheamus, cesaro breaks it just in time sheamus drops jeff on the ropes, cesaro uppercuts him, still no pin jeff bullfights sheamus into the ring post, hits a lovely swanton, cesaro pulls sheamus out of the ring just before 2 cue brawling at ringside aaaaaand double countout with which the cajundome is just so fucking satisfying brawl continues, because fuck you and your matches and your belts and we fade on the hardyz shouting from the ring while the kkb pose with their questionably-retained belts

so yeah that's it that's the show the fuck, guys? i mean obviously it was meant to be unsatisfying, and they're going to be doing it again, presumably at GBoF, but still you could still have done it without that shitty tease match but who knows maybe it'll be narratively significant

anyway, let's clean out that bad taste with some SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! oh wait it's the setup show for a ppv roll on the shitty tease matches! setting up for mitb, so everything is ladders and tonight we have 6-man tag of the men's mitb contestants and randy and jinder 'face to face'

but now, the new day being played to the ring by their very own marching band, because we're in new orleans, so why the fuck not they could probably take shinsuke's violinist, but i'd watch it kofi opens by thanking the band even before doing their own introduction, which is good form the usos interrupt their gyrating to angrily enter and be thug at them and they can't even finish that before the fashion police turn up fandango claims to have compelling evidence hat their day one is not so h after all "If anything, your day one is...G." tell em tyler tyler gets to finish his sentence before the colóns enter to talk shit about breezango's policing skills (psst, guys) (they're not real detectives) so yeah, we're getting an 8-man tag match here although it's not immediately clear how the fashion police are allying themselves with three men wearing about 17 strings of beads between them the levelling for the announce mics is just fucked to hell tonight does smackdown even *have* a tech team, or is that how they run such a streamlined, modernised show? i do love that this push has given tyler and dango the opportunity to remind us how good they are at wrestling jbl, please stop making bead string jokes *brief shudder* xavier and tyler do a weird-ass combo move consisting of tyler doing a rana-style headscissors on xavier, then stopping at the top so xavier can throw him at primo followed by xavier joing the burgeoning dropkick to the back club the faces take everyone else out of the ring, stop for a brief trombone break and now we get to watch more american adverts i am officially tired of this shit i would much rather be watching this match than adverts about how cigarettes will fuck your mouth or this enormously fucked mountain dew advert and i can't even watch the tiny version in the corner i am very easily distracted oh thank fuck, we're back tyler's in trouble thanks to those dastardly usos jbl reminds us again how the usos are the greatest tag team in the world, and somewhere jason jordan is crying i mean, that's statistically likely at any given point, but still yeah, tyler's just getting the piss knocked out of him including a simultaneously dull yet impressive vertical suplex from epico comes back by throwing a bent-over epico at primo, then clotheslining primo so he ddts him nice, if making no sense whatsoever kofi tags in, kicks everyone, hits jimmy with a boom drop and trouble in paradise for the near-fall and tags in xavier for upupdowndown for the pin and taunt the usos as they retreat in failure

but later tonight, we have charlotte/nattie

but now, aj talks to shinsuke backstage and sami walks in like hey guys what do you want to do in this match asks for ideas, then talks over aj with his usual overthinky ring general thing does a they don't want none, goes for a high five, aj just stares, asks if shinsuke likes the plan, he just stares, sami answers himself and walks off to get warmed up long beat Shinsuke: "...I like him." AJ: "Of course you do." some lovely chemistry between those two which shoudl really surprise nobody

but now, dasha interviews mojo in some random corridor hey mojo, how did it feel to fail and not achieve your dreams last week? mojo is still wearing his watermelon hat magnanimous in defeat he's kind of happy he lost, because he responds to adversity with HYPE and we haven't seen the last of him and as he says this ZACK FUCKING RYDER appears the crowd are as stoked about this as i am he is officially back, and the hype bros are back together get the fuck in so yeah, this tag division's kind of huge

but now, here's naomi who we are reliably informed is amayayayayzing although the same cannot really be said of this new flourescent halter top she's got and she's fighting everybody's favourite leather-clad lunarian (shut up, i'll stop making that joke when and only when it stops being really fucking funny to me) bell hasn't even rung when the trash jazz begins just look at that woefully impractical dress and that super fucking awkward walk down the ramp we couldn't have brought her up through nxt and moved billie and peyton up to perform exactly the same purpose because... jbl explains the incomprehensible ascent of lana with leicester city, neglecting the fact that leicester had in fact played premiership football before that season anyway, tamina and naomi are just beating the hell out of each other tamina like i'll see your bouncy moves and leg lariats and counter by PUNCHING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF YOUR BODY try punching her leg off of her leg i hear that works against people with legs i don't think i will ever not love that somersault facelock escape naomi does although it does kind of pose the question why she doesn't just commit to it and do a shiranui and split moonsault for the pin good match lana blindisdes the champion incredibly slowly, does a weird-ass glam slam type thing, then gets the belt off an official just by asking for it didn't know you could just do that and all jbl can say is how the belt matches her dress siiiiigh

but now, here are the singhs to introduce their boss he comes in wearing the sharpest fucking blue suit you will ever see next up in entrance music i like way more than i feel i should... the ring is sporting a fucking lovely carpet jinder briefly calls out randy, then goes straight in to calling him a coward and insulting his father maybe ramp the smacktalk up there? and now we're up to the 'promise to dismantle your enemy's legacy backward through history' step this curve feels like it's going to end up in actual bloodshed very soon starts his promo to his people/shouting at the crowd in punjabi, gets partway through, randy's music hits sends the singhs down the ramp to head him off, only for randy to run in out of the crowd and rko jinder on that lovely carpet and then he just fucks back off throught the crowd who love him for being a dickbag but somehow also a babyface dickface? yeah, let's go with that even if it wasn't in his hometown, they could not be setting this up for a 'shock' randy loss any more cue several seconds too long of randy posing and glowering in the stands

and now we have kevin coming into the locker room to brief baron and dolph who don't give the slightest shit what he has to say he's just like guys, i don't actually like either of you, but it's mutually beneficial to work together to take out the babyfaces rather than being dicks for the sake of it and shooting ourselves in the foot which...actually makes sense? dammit, kevin, stop bringing logic and game theory into my wrestling leaves to let them process this, cut to ads

up next, charlotte/nattie

but first, renee interviews randy backstage and he's just like have you even been listening talk less hit more i'm win the thing and leaves well, at least he's sticking to his epiphanies

but yes, now we have the women's match natties back to her old gear, and i'm not thrilled jbl just used the phrases "most likely" and "statistical certainty" right the fuck next to each other in a sentence dude, words mean things and you need to stop just saying whatever but yes, charlotte is here too, with new gear patterned off the terrible moulding on your grandparents' bathroom fittings shot of becky watching the match backstage pull up a fucking chair for once, someone

more wrestling in a minute, but first, YOU WATCH THIS ADVERT BREAK MOTHERFUCKER including an advert romanticising the fact that people need stimulant shots to participate in capitalist society see, this is what happens when you make me watch adverts whioe i'm freestyling i just end up veering into political/economic philosophy, and it's hard to come back from that oh thank god, we're back

we come back on natalya surfboard stretching charlotte like fuck you, i'm a real wrestler charlotte moonsaults nattie for a nearfall as we pan out to carmellsworth watching the match on a tv bigger than either of them again with fuck you i can wrestle, nattie powerbombs charlotte out of the corner for a nearfall (don't tell anyone, but this is actually a good match) naturally, as i say that, it turns into a series of cheap rollup attemtps, then natural selection for the pin but it made charlotte look desperate, which it's always nice to see side note: they've recoloured the GBoF logo so BALLS is the least eye-catching part

time for fashion files noir bitches dango opens with a gritty monologue about his terrible parents cut to him admirin his pecs in a mirror and cut to tyler, lying in the trashed fashion police office dango gets a description of their attackers "One arm....No, two arms!" dango sketches something, tyler confirms that it was them who attacked him dango hustles tyler off to get help, and we slow zoom on the pair of stick figures as the segment ends

but now, let's have an inspiration porn segment about a kid not dying of liver disease let's not get into my ranting about disability politics

moving on, dasha grabs lana backstage for an opinion lana's like i don't actually give a shit what any of you think byeeeeeeee

but now it's main event time opening with kevin's massive distorted face it's like neville and tjp selling their names for power, this is clearly a 'you can be champion if we can reveal how you look like hodor when viewed from below' situation and now here's baron, accomnpanied by a vt of him being a twat last week (but which instance? we may never know) dolph's entrance is mostly overridden by an advert for talking smack, which i won't be watching because jbl's on it sami and aj enter with less fanfare, but they still don't want none to leave time for the best music in the company but how will he enter tomorrow night the suspense whoever the tommaso ciampa-looking dude in the corner is, he is freaking the fuck out about being within reach of shinsuke cut for ads, during which the match apparently started and as we come back, i realise that i didn't fully appreciate the awfullness of those godawful cyan tights dolph iswearing only emphasised by putting him in the ring with shinsuke shinsuke counters dolph's elbow drop through his signature technique of 'being elsewhere', hot tags aj in, and he opens by basically hitting dolph with the bitter end and then an ushigoroshi, except we don't say that any more ooh, nice counter goes for a styles clash, dolph counters to a tornado ddt everyone else gets involved, cut for ads, and we come back on dolph/sami natursally, kevin immediately comes in as i type that sami counters kevin's senton with his knees, basically turning it into a self-inflicted lumbar check as often happens, this heel team seems much more concerned with shouting at everyone within range than having the match sami gets the shit beaten out of him by kevin, counters to a blue thunder bomb, can't quite flop fast enough to make the tag takes some more punishment, pulls out a big lariat and then bullfights all three heels out of the ring in succession sloooooowly flops to his corner, and just as he gets there dolph and kevin pull aj and shinsuke off the apron lovely bit of timing so sami just goes fuck it and helluva kicks baron for the pin maybe lead with that general fighting ensues and now kevin has a ladder he and dolph hit sami and aj with it "Unforgiving impact of that ladder on your flesh." byron's freestyling for his upcoming black metal album meanwhile, baron gets the ladder and fucks on everyone with it sets it up under the briefcase, climbs sloooooowly enough for shinsuke to push it over and somewhere, randy orton began to bleed kinshasa to baron, and shinsuke dramatically climbs the ladder himself and retrieves the most important business supplies in the world and we fade on him posing

so yeah, setup show, but that was pretty good and it looks like mitb should be good better than extreme rules, at any rate and certainly less of a misnomer unless it suddenly becomes clear that shane's accounts were frozen long ago and there was never actually any money but in any case i'll try and get this up tonight (Saturday), and then it's mitb tomorrow hmu on twitter @waruce if you want to see me struggle not to fall asleep and also to reconcile my excitement for MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY with the failings of late-stage capitalism (shit, it happened again)

anyway, that ends this week's show, but up next, it looks like it's gonna get a bit finnegans wake