#yes. naturally they would switch clothes. and hang out. and have fun. and share sea salt ice cream 2gether | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dammitadolfnomorecake · 6 years

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DOTW 15 full

Eren was so very sleepy. He'd had an incredible day at the aquarium with Levi. Followed by a new hair cut, food shopping and falling asleep in Levi's car. He'd never had a day this good. Levi had been so patient with him at the aquarium, casually holding his hand, or kissing him, or holding him close. It was like a real date, and they'd decided to see each other more. Too sleepy from his nap, he let Levi guide him into the living room of Hanji's home, where the alpha gently sat him down on the sofa, Flopping back, he held on to the bag from the aquarium as he didn't want Levi peaking inside "I'll bring the shopping in" "Mmmm. Sorry I'm so sleepy" "You had a big day" "I had the best day" He didn't want to doze back off, but his eyes drifted closed on their own. The next time he woke, dinner was sitting on the coffee table, while Levi was busy doing something on his phone. Yawning, he rubbed his eyes before stretching "Did you have a good nap?" "Yeah. You could have woken me" "It's fine. I hope you're not too disappointed with sandwiches for dinner" "No, they look great. How long was I out for?" "It's nearly 7" Levi had work the next day at 4, so the alpha probably had to head home soon... except, he really didn't want Levi to leave. Looking down into the bag on his lap, he reached in and pulled out a stuffed shark "Here" Passing the toy over to Levi, the alpha snorted "I wanted to get you a stingray, but they didn't have any... 'cause, you know, the first thing we saw was that massive stingray passing over us" "You didn't need to get me anything" "I did. You have no idea how fun today was. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to pretend to be happy or ignore shitty alphas" Placing the shark on the arm of the sofa, Levi reached his arm out, making space for Eren to scoot closer. A happy purr coming from his lips as he curled into the alphas side "Your putting" "I'm happy" "Good. It suits you" "Um... I'm not ready to tell you some things, but I want to. Just... just when I've figured them out" "You don't need to rush yourself" "I've... never had anyone I could tell. Other than Zeke. Hanji knows a tiny bit, but somedays it's really hard to breathe" Rubbing his shoulder, Levi nuzzled into his hair "There's no rush" "Thanks. I got you something else, but it can wait for now" "You need to eat" "I've eaten sooo much today" "I thought you'd say that" "And I didn't have my lunch time coffee" "Oh no. Whatever will you do?" "I haven't decided yet" Reaching over, he picked up one of the sandwich triangles "What was your favourite bit about the aquarium?" "Other than you?" "Don't tease me" "Fine. I guess when you started naming all the sea horses" Eren pouted "It's not my fault they have long faces like Jean" "I don't normally like places like that, but today made me appreciate them" "Life can be so shit at times. It's nice to see the other side of that" Settling into Levi's side properly, he forced himself to finish a whole sandwich. His stomach really wasn't happy with how much he'd eaten today, so didn't want to risk ruining it all by eating too much and throwing back up "Sorry. I'm full" "That's ok. You probably want to go to bed, anyway" "Yeah..." "That doesn't mean I haven't forgotten about your knees" "Oh... they are kind of sore" "You should have told me earlier" "I was having so much fun and I didn't want to make you mad" "You wouldn't have. Unless they get infected, then I'm going to get mad" "I honestly don't even know if I have the strength to walk up the stairs" "Is that your way of asking me to carry you?" "Would you?" "If you asked" "Mmm... as tempting as it is, I need to put that sandwich in the fridge. I hate leaving food out" "Why don't I do that, while you head upstairs?" "Because you've done like everything today" "It's fine" He liked having Levi looking after him. His omega full of praise for their? alpha's skills. He didn't know if this meant they were dating, but he did want to see where it went. Climbing up from beside him, Eren slumped into the spot the alpha vacated with a groan. Waving his arm limply, Levi pulled him to his feet "Change into something you can roll up, so I can do your knees" "I need a shower, but I'm just so tired" "Although it's against my policy of showering before bed, I think what you need right now is rest" "Is that your professional opinion?" "Yes" "I guess I have no choice then" Kissing his shoulder, Levi leant down and retrieved the plate "Head on up, I'll be there soon" His knees protested the each and every stair. By the time he stumbled into his room, he was ready for sleep all over again. Forcing himself to strip down, he grabbed the sweats and shirt he used for pyjamas and changed, intentionally not looking at his knees, because he knew Levi would scold him over them. He'd have to try and hide the damage with concealer or socks. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he put his phone on charge, waiting patiently for Levi. Levi must have headed out to his car, as the medical kit he came up with wasn't Hanji's or the one from the bathroom. Biting his lip, as the alpha sat down on the floor, he waited while Levi pulled a set of blue gloves on "Are you going to watch?" "No. Just don't go near my ankles. I'm likely to kick" "I would very much like not be kicked in the face" "It wouldn't be intentional" "Is it do with the scars?" "Uh... yeah" "Alright. No ankles. Easy. Left leg first" Biting his lip harder, he watched Levi push the fabric up his leg, the alpha sighing softly "Eren, why didn't you tell me it was this bad?" "I don't know. I didn't look" "How could you not know? You grazed the skin right off, and you've got blood down your leg" "I didn't... I mean... It didn't feel that bad" "I need to clean it out, you've got bits of black cotton stuck in the scabbing" "I'm sorry" "No. It's my fault for leaving you" Even with the gloves on, Levi was gentle. The alpha working fast to clean and dress both knees, before packing up his kit and standing. Panicking slightly, Eren reached out and grabbed his hand "It's ok. I'm just going to wash my hands. I'll come back and tuck you in" "You don't need to tuck me in" "Don't you want to spend more time with me?" "I do" "Then I'll be right back" Crawling across his bed, he made sure to leave space for Levi. The alpha coming back and sitting on his bed like it was his right "I need to head home soon" "You could stay" "Eren..." "I mean, you've got work so early. And I don't like the idea of you driving tired" "And what would Hanji say?" "About what?" "Eren..." "I'm not asking for you to do anything other than sleep. It's.. selfish and stupid, but I don't want the day to be over just yet" "It's not selfish and it's not stupid" "Then..." Reaching out, Levi cupped his left cheek, the alpha sighing again "When you give me that look, it feels like my heart is breaking" "What look?" "You look so sad" "Oh... I didn't mean to" "I know this relationship thing is new, and I know you want me to stay, but I don't want to overstep and not respect your boundaries" "I'm sorry..." "You don't need to be sorry" "It's... it's really lonely here alone. I get so stupidly scared" "How can I say no to that?" "You don't have to stay" "I can't have you being upset and lonely" "But work?" "As long as I leave around 2, it should be fine" "Really?" "Yeah. I'll need to borrow some clothes" "There's sweats in the bottom of the wardrobe and shirts hanging up" "Close your eyes and get comfy" Kissing his forehead, Levi pulled away. Closing his eyes, Eren resisted the urge to peek, even if he was slicking over the fact Levi was changing in his bedroom. It only took the alpha a few minutes before he climbed into bed next to him, Eren immediately wriggling closer to him "I just need to set my alarm" "You can use my charger. I don't start until 6, which is like a whole day away" "Not quite" "Close enough. It's further than 2am" Levi lent over and plugged his phone in, before resuming his position as Eren's pillow. When the alpha had gotten changed, he'd turned off the bedrooms main light, and flicked the lamp on "Are you sleepy?" "A little. I normally read" "My book's in the top draw, if you want to" "It's fine. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep right away after today" Playing with his hair, Eren nuzzled into Levi's chest "The shorter cut suits you" He'd had his hair cut back to his shoulders, rather than halfway down his shoulder blades. Naturally he'd piled it back into a bun "Mmm? You think so?" "Yeah. It's softer too" "Because all the split ends are gone" "That might help" "It does. It was getting really dry from them" "I'll take your word for it. Now get some sleep" "Ok. Good night, Levi" "Good night, Eren" With the lamp switched off, Eren sighed happily to himself. If only he could always be this happy. He wasn't alone anymore. Levi was staying the night. The alpha felt warm and safe beneath him. Starting to purr again, he fell asleep in Levi's hold. Waking to Levi's alarm, they shifted in their sleep. The alpha spooned up behind him, holding close as Levi's breath tickled the back of his neck. Rather than running away this time, Levi kissed his shoulder "I guess it's time" "Mmm" "You don't need to get up" "I don't want to let you go" "I have work" "I know. Still doesn't mean I want to let you" Rolling over in Levi's hold, he sleepily snaked an arm around the alpha, holding him tightly so he could give him a morning kiss. Already trying to ignore the arousal pooled down in his crotch, he couldn't help but moan into the kiss. Sharing several more long kisses, Levi growled gently as he pushed him back "Brat. I have to go" "I know" "I'll message you later" "Message me when you get home, and when you get to work" "Oh? Don't trust me" "More like I want to know you got home safely" "Mmm. I think I can do that. I'm borrowing your clothes" "That's fine. You know where I live, and I can always send Hanji after you" Levi wrinkled his face as if disgusted "Mood over. I don't need to think about her, not when I'm in bed with you" "Someone's jealous" "No. Not at all" Leaning down Levi kissed his forehead "Go back to sleep" "Ok. Thank you for staying" "We didn't do much" "It felt nice not being alone" Kissing his forehead again, the alpha finally pulled away to deal with his beeping alarm "I'll plug your phone in for you" "Thanks" Levi stole one more kiss before he ran off. Flopping back onto his bed, he grabbed Levi's pillow and screamed into. He was so fucking screwed. Levi was amazing. He hadn't even said anything about his aroused scent, or the scent of slick that had been trapped beneath the covers. He hadn't forced him down, or even tried to take advantage of him. He'd been the perfect gentleman, happy with kisses and snuggling, after making him dinner and bandaging up his knees. Was it possible to die from happiness? He was sure he was about to. His omega felt like it was sitting in the back of his mind gloating. He wanted to scream it. That Levi was his, even if he wasn't, or completely sure about things between them. No. Those kisses had definitely been more than the ones Zeke used to give him. God. He was just so fucking happy... and wet. Ok. Yeah. As much as he wanted to continue rolling around in Levi's scent. He needed to shower and clean up. Falling back to sleep after showering, Eren was rudely awoken by the sound of his phone ringing. Messages chimed, but annoying phone calls rang. Keeping his face against Levi's pillow, he blindly reached out, finding something that wasn't his phone. Confused, he picked the small object up and brought it to his face, but as the sun had barely risen, he couldn't see a thing, dropping it lightly to his pillow before he stupidly fumbled his lamp on and blinded himself. Closing his eyes, he counted to 5 before opening them. That fucker. Levi had bought him the little dolphin figure he'd liked the day before. The glass object was only about 4 centimetres or so, but the blues of the glass was like nothing he'd ever seen. Now the shark he'd chosen for Levi seemed stupid and lame. The alpha had bought him two beautiful gifts... while he didn't even know if Levi truly liked what he'd gifted him. Careful to place the dolphin back where it had been, he grabbed his phone, scowling at the missed call from an unknown number. That was all it took to ruin everything. He'd forgotten about Zeke. He'd dropped his guard completely and had forgotten. How.. how could he forget his own brother? Oh... fuck... Levi had stayed. He hadn't even thought about the danger Levi could be being placed in. He'd... he'd just wanted him to stay and he had. Why did Zeke have to call? Why did it take just one missed call to know everything was going to go to shit? He'd found a good alpha. He knew Levi was a good alpha. He was kind, and sweet, and felt so horrible over what had happened in the car. Why did he have to choose between his brother and the alpha who finally made him feel safe. The alpha who held him, and reassured him, even without knowing everything. Everything about Levi's touches we different from all the other alphas in the past. He never raised his hand to hurt him. He never kicked him or yelled at him. He didn't tell him he had to be good. He didn't tell him he was fat, or that he was eating the wrong thing. Working himself into a mess, he couldn't calm back down. He didn't want to... he didn't want to leave? God. Why? He'd wanted Zeke to come back so badly, so why was it that the thought of leaving all this hurt? Hanji and Moblit were both so kind. They'd taken him in, like it was just a natural thing to do. Like he wasn't a complete stranger. Like he wasn't broken and damaged. They both went out their way to make him feel welcome. To take him to his therapy appointments. To pay for his medical bills and to arrange the follow up appointments he needed for his ankle. They treated him so fucking good... and all their friends had been nice to him. He had Marco too... he didn't have to worry about Reiner or Bertholdt. He didn't have to about awkward situations, and hiding them from Zeke. He... he'd become such a bad omega... so selfish and jealous. Zeke was right. He kept making mistakes. * Forcing himself not to message Levi nonstop was harder than expected. He'd thanked Levi for staying with him, in response to his messages that "he'd gotten home" and that "he'd made it to work"... but tried not to message him back right away. Zeke had made it clear by not calling him back, that he wasn't impressed and needed to stay away from Levi. He hated it. He hated not talking to Levi. He knew the alpha would be thinking he'd done something wrong, when he hadn't. With that and with work being even worse than before, the omega was a wreck when Hanji and Moblit finally got home Sunday morning. The first thing he did when the door opened was rush into Hanji's hold "Eren..." "I missed you" "Aw, we missed you too sweetheart. Didn't we, Moblit?" "Yeah. It's good to see you. The house looks good" Eren sniffled, Hanji walking him backwards into the lounge room, before the pair of them fell onto the sofa in a tangled mess "God! It's good to be hooooome" "It is?" "Yeah! Moblit's family home is crazy" "Moblit would have to be used to it, to put up with you" Hanji cackled, tickling his sides "Excuse me. I'm only a little crazy" Eren was stuck doing a weird laughing cry, trying to push Hanji off "Ok! Ok... I take it back" Stopping the tickling, Hanji slumped against him, leaving him to rearrange them so Hanji head was in his lap "So, what happened while I was gone?" "Nothing much... mostly working. It's so quiet here without you" "Aw... we're home now. I can yell as much as you want and need me to" "I know. I missed you so much" "Well, we don't intend to go anywhere for a looooong time" "Good" "Now, why were you crying when came in? What happened?" "I just missed you" "Mhmm. That's why your eyes are all red and puffy" "I was crying because I was happy you were coming back?" "So you and Levi didn't have a fight" "What?" "A little birdie told me you two went on a date" "It... Hanji..." He couldn't even bring himself to say it. He didn't know how to say it all out loud, but it fucking hurt. He missed Levi "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Nothing bad happened, did it?" "N-no. It... it was perfect" "Then what's wrong?" "I just feel like something bad's going to happen" "Levi won't let anything bad happen" "Zeke... he'd get so mad" "Well, Levi and Erwin are coming for dinner tonight. So you better think about what you're going to say" "I've got work" "You couldn't get the night off?" He had a feeling that if he asked for the night off, they'd just fire him "I had Wednesday and Thursday off" "I guess we'll be having dinner without you. Now, I want to hear all about this date" "It... Levi was nice. The perfect gentleman" Hanji giggled "I can't picture it. He's usually all like "This place is fucking disgusting. Ugh. Is there somewhere around here I can wash my hands? No, we're not eating here. You don't know what they put into things. What are you taking stupid photos for?" or something" Eren shook his head "He wasn't like that all. We took photos and had lunch there" "You took photos? With Levi? Like... Levi's in the photo?" "Y-yeah?" "Aww. He's so into you" "I... miss talking to him" "Zeke or Levi" "B-both... but.... I just... I don't want Levi getting hurt" "He's a big bad alpha who can handle himself. Now... you said there were photos?" "In my room... I... I don't know how to get a copy of them" "A copy? You mean you want to print them out?" "Yeah... I don't have any photos. I never have. Even with Zeke" "Right. Go get your phone and we'll figure this out" "You just want to see them" "Of course I do! Did he stay the night? Oh my gosh, did you two do it?" "Ewww no! He only stayed because he had work at 4" "And?" "And what? We didn't do anything" "Not even kiss" "A little" "And where did he sleep?" "Next to me. It was nice" "Look at you! I really am happy for the both of you" Eren wished he could be happy for himself again, but he couldn't stop thinking of Zeke. If Zeke took him away, would Levi forget all about him? Would he find himself a new omega? "What are you two talking about?" Sitting on the sofa's arm, Moblit placed his hand on Hanji's shoulder "Eren and Levi went on a date" Moblit raised an eyebrow "A date?" "To the aquarium" "I didn't know Levi had it in him. Did he complain the whole time?" Eren shook his head "No" Hanji giggled at Moblit's clear shock "I'd say Levi has it pretty bad for our Eren. Eren was just about to go get his phone so we could see the photos" "Wait, you even got photos?" "I don't know why you're both so shocked... he's always nice to me" "We're not saying Levi isn't nice, it's just we've known him a long time and this is the first time we've seen him acting like this. He never usually likes things like dates, or public places. He's not that great at dealing with people" Ummm... Levi dealt with people everyday. He saved and help people. The alpha didn't love shopping, but they'd still gone out and done that. Maybe he was just putting up with all of it because he knew Eren was kind of useless on his own. He'd never have been able to go food shopping on his own, and Levi had even stayed when he'd nearly freaked when getting his hair cut. Alphas with scissors just wasn't ok "I'm just saying, he really cares about you. Now go get your phone" Retrieving this phone, he found Moblit had moved to the sofa, leaving a space for him between the two adults. Sitting down between them, Hanji grabbed for his phone "Hey, how am I supposed to see?" "It's not my fault" "You told me to sit over here" "And you're the one who listened. Besides, Eren wants to get a copy printed, so I need to do that first" Moblit lent around him "Don't you need to go to camera store for that?" "Nope. Most department stores have an online print option now. I'm just going to sort it out, then I'll share" "Wait? You're going to see all my photos?" "I promise not to look at the naughty ones" "I. What. No! There's nothing like that on there. I was wondering if you could do my birthday photos too" "Yep. No worries!" Hanji seemed to know what she was doing. With her phone out, she swapping between both devices with practiced ease "You can stop looking so worried. I'm waiting for your photo library to load, then I can select all the photos" "Umm. How long is this going to take?" "Probably a little while. You've got heaps of them" "Then do you guys want me to make you something to eat?" "I'm fine. I'm more excited about these photos" As long as Hanji stayed in the photo bit and didn't check his calls or texts, there shouldn't be a problem... Mid-whatever she was up to, Eren's phone started ringing, tilting the device towards him, the woman frowned "Do you know that number?" "No. I've never seen it before" "For some reason, it seems familiar" Soooo Hanji might know whoever was on the end... "Are you going to answer it?" "I don't like taking calls if I don't know the number" That didn't stop Hanji. Answering the call, she raised his phone to her ear. Whatever was going on, it didn't sound good. Hanji explaining to the caller who she was, before confirming something and ending the call with a frown "Who was it?" "The police. Were you working Tuesday morning?" "Yeah... I got home about 6am" "The police want you to come down the station to answer some questions" "What? Why?" "They didn't say" What was so special about Tuesday? They'd finished up, cleaned up then he'd gone home "Eren, did something happen?" Moblit's voice was soft, yet he was sure he heard a hint of accusation in it. It was probably just his anxieties, whatever it was, it pissed him off "No. Nothing" "If something did..." "Nothing happened! I don't know why they'd be calling me in" "Ok, just calm down" "How am I supposed to calm down? I haven't done anything and you're acting like I have!" Hanji placed her hand on his arm "No one is saying you have anything to do with whatever this is. They probably just want to eliminate you from whatever enquiry this is" "They wouldn't be calling me if they didn't think I had something to do with it" He wasn't supposed to be making trouble! Now he was in trouble with the police! What the fuck was he going to do? If Zeke found out... "Hey, trust me. It's all going to be ok" "I think I'm going to go up to my room" "You don't have to" Eren shook his head. Moblit already made it clear he thought he had something to do with whatever had happened, while Hanji was acting like there was a strong possibility. He hadn't done anything! He'd done his job! He'd danced. He'd cleaned. He'd grabbed his stuff out his locker and he'd headed home. He hadn't done anything! * Hanji looked frazzled as she opened the door to Levi and Erwin. Not at all like she'd just taken a week off work "Hey guys, come on in" She even sounded exhausted. Slipping in past her, Levi was highly conscious of the fact the last time he'd been here, he'd fallen asleep in Eren's arms "Everything alright?" Nodding, she lead them through to the kitchen, where Moblit was hovering behind the counter, also looking exhausted "Yeah. Just had a little drama with Eren today. He's locked himself in his room and refuses to come out" Erwin frowned, the tall alpha leaning against the kitchen counter "That doesn't sound like him" "Neither does him stealing money, but that's what happened. He said he didn't do it, and I'd like to believe him, but I don't know anything about the strip club scene" Levi couldn't help but feel annoyed that she wouldn't believe Eren. He didn't seem the type to steal, and why would he need to? "Do you want me to try talking to him?" "No. He's pretty upset. It's best we just leave him alone for now. His boss was at the police station when we went in. The arsehole started yelling at Eren and blaming him for the theft. By the time he was taken through for questioning, he was nearly having a panic attack. Then they wouldn't let anyone go in with him, got him so upset he finally did have that panic attack. They took his finger prints, though he swears he knows nothing about it" "All this for a little bit of pocket change?" Erwin sounded just as angry as he felt "Yep. Five hundred dollars. He swears he didn't take it" Wait... $500... "Levi? What is it?" "Nothing" "Levi, do you know something?" "Maybe..." Was this his fault? Did Eren take the money to pay him back sooner? To make him like him more? "Levi, if you know something, we need to know" Fuck. He might just be dropping Eren in the shit here, but if the kid did steal it, Hanji would have a better idea of what to do "Eren paid me back. The day we went to the aquarium. He said it was his money from dancing before he came here" "When we brought him home, he didn't have any money" Moblit placed down the pot of pasta he was about to strain "So you think he stole it?" "I don't think he did. But Moblit, where else did he get the money?" Hanji sighed heavily, rubbing at her face. Erwin piped up, being the voice of reason "He saw Zeke right? Is it possible that he gave him the money?" "I doooon't know. It doesn't seem like something he'd do" "Did the police say anything else?" "No, and Eren's boss fired him on the spot, promised he'd never work as a dancer again. All the usual bullshit. Like he's not worth the trouble. Omegas are worthless. Eren was so upset, he couldn't tell us what they asked him. I tried telling that he has anxiety, depression and PTS. They didn't even try to listen" Clearing his throat, Levi rejoined the conversation "I'll talk to him" "I don't know, Levi. I know he thinks the world of you. I don't think he even wants you to know. He was so mad... he started yelling before he locked himself away " Probably because no one listened to him or believed him... not that he'd made things better by mentioning the fact Eren had paid him the same amount of money that had been stolen "Look, go ahead and serve dinner. I'll go see what I can get out of him" "If you upset him, I'll kick your shin" "Moblit, contain your wife. Erwin, make sure she doesn't get into the tequila while I'm upstairs" "What if I want to get into the tequila?" "Then you're on your own. Alcohol isn't going to make any of this better" Knocking on Eren's door, he could hear the music playing inside. Knocking a little harder, the music paused "Go away!" "Eren, its Levi" "Go away!" That little shit "We need to talk" "Why? So you can blame me for something I didn't do!" "Just open the door. We can't yell at each other like this all night" "Fine" It took a few moments, but Eren opened the door for him. The omega looked a wreck. His eyes puffy as snot ran from his nose, while his pained scent had filled the brat's bedroom "I didn't fucking do it" "Hey, I never said you did" No. You just strongly implicated him to the people who are like family to him... "Hanji and Moblit did. My boss did. The police did... I didn't" "Eren, why don't we sit down" "I don't want to fucking sit. I want to scream" Eren's whole room was trashed, it looked like her hurled absolutely everything that could be, other than the small blue dolphin that sat on the bedside table "Fine. If you didn't do it, who did?" "I don't know!" "You have no idea who took five hundred dollars" "No I don't! Have many times do I have to tell you?!" He could see Eren thinking about the exact way he'd phrased it, a look if pure disgust morphing his features "You think I did it!" "You gave me $500" "From working! When I was working at the old club!" "Eren, you didn't have anything when you moved in" "Zeke gave it to me!" "Did you tell Hanji or Moblit?" "Tell them what? That my over controlling brother broke into their house, and told me to say here. Told me he'd come back if I'm good, and let my money I had hidden in my bedroom here! Or that I just got fired from the second job Zeke got me! That he called me and arranged everything?! What should I be fucking telling them when they don't even listen?" "Zeke gave it to you?" "It was mine. I had it hidden away in the apartment so Reiner and Bertholdt didn't fucking find it! You really think I would fucking steal to pay you back?!" "Eren..." "No! I can't believe this! I thought you'd listen, but you're just like them! I didn't take the money" Wrapping his arms around his waist, Eren sank down. He'd well and truly fucked this up "I just wanted to get your side of things" "I might be stupid, but even I know what you meant. If you didn't think I might be involved, you wouldn't have said how much it was. That money... that was two years of working my arse and saving every little bit I could. When I got my tips, I'd swap them over for full notes on the nights Bertholdt wasn't behind the bar. Then when I had notes, I'd save them and swap them to fifties. Five hundred might not be anything to you, but for me, that was every fucking dollar, and I wanted to pay you off because I didn't want that to be a thing! But you're just like all of them! You don't fucking care! I can't believe I really liked you!" "I..." "Get out!" Stepping closer to Eren, the omega fell back on his arse, letting out a howl of misery "Get out! I don't want to see you!" Grabbing what was closest, Eren balled up a hoodie and threw it in his direction "Get out! Get out! Get out!" "Eren, I didn't say you did anything. I just wanted to understand what happened and why you had to go to the police" "You alphas are all the fucking same! I thought you were different. I was stupid! Zeke was right! I'm a bad omega... he should have left me to die. I wanted to die..." Levi's blood ran cold at the thought of Eren being dead. He didn't want Eren dead and didn't want him being this upset. Out of all the ways he could have approached this, he'd gone and put his foot in it. Ignoring Eren not wanting him there, he sank down and wrapped his arms around him "Let me go!" "Eren" "I don't want to see you" "Eren" "You thought I'd done it. Why? I told you where the money came from. Why wouldn't you believe me?" "I had to ask" "No you didn't! You could have believed me, but you didn't!" Starting to dry heave from how worked up he was, Eren continued struggling to push him away "I'm sorry!" "I don't care! I don't care anymore... just go..." "Eren. Please. If you would just listen to me, we can talk about this" The omegas voice dropped, whispering with finality "Go" Heading back downstairs, Levi dragged his feet. That could have gone so much better. Eren hated him now. Every little bit of trust they'd built up had been broken. He knew the omega wouldn't just steal money, so why hadn't he just kept his mouth shut "Levi?" "He thinks we all blame him and that we all think he's lying" Hanji's eyes filled with tears. Despite dinner being served, they were all standing around the kitchen counter still. Pulling her close, Moblit rubbed Hanji's back "I fucked up" "No, he was already upset. Did he tell you anything?" "Zeke's been here. In the house. He came and saw Eren, dropping off the money from his old job. It was his savings from two years working there. He used to convert his tips to bigger notes" "Zeke's been here?" "Yeah. He also lined Eren up with the new job" Hanji let out a groan "I'm so stupid!" Stepping out of Moblit's hold, she shook her head "I think I know what happened" The three male alphas looked at her in combined confusion "I'm glad someone fucking does" "Eren had been crying before we came home. He said it was because he'd missed us, but then when I was talking to him about your budding relationship, he said he was scared something bad was going to happen, and he was scared Zeke would do something to Levi if they took things any further. We know Eren's been talking to Zeke. If Zeke told him to stay away from you and he didn't, he could have done all this so Eren lost his job. He had to know the club owner to get Eren the job, how easy would it be to manipulate him into claiming a robbery and pinning it all on Eren" "So what? Because Eren wants to date Levi, Zeke's trying to get him in trouble?" "Probably. Possibly. If he knew Eren had paid Levi, now would be the best time. You said he's been in the house?" "Yeah. Eren said so" "So he knows the house alarm... then with Eren paying you, and being accused of stealing, the kid thinks everyone has turned against him. Now would be the perfect time for Zeke to take him back. He's had his heart broken by all of us" "I think you should go apologise to him" Eren was only going to cry more if Levi tried. He'd really fucked up, and was nearly on the verge of tears himself over it all. If only he hadn't specifically said "five hundred dollars" Hanji nodded, her face determined "We all should. And we should talk to him about Zeke. He can't be breaking in, and we can't let him continue to manipulate Eren like this" Moblit pinched the bridge of his nose "Then what do we do? Eren said Zeke is dangerous" "Zeke gets off on the fact Eren doesn't know anything about the outside world. He "saved" him, grooming him and manipulating him to believe he needs him. Eren doesn't need Zeke. Zeke needs Eren. He plays with him like a toy. If Eren stands up to him, he wouldn't know what to do" "Or he could seriously hurt him. Levi, we've seen alphas like this before. It was only $500. Pocket change that doesn't even warrant going to the police over, yet it's turned into this big thing. That's not normal" Now that his head had cleared and he could really think things through, Erwin had a point "So what? Scare Eren into doing what?" "Zeke's probably told him all sorts of lies. Hanji, you should go talk to him first" "I thought we just agreed to apologise" "He doesn't want anything to do with me, and he's had issues with male alphas in the past. Go up and calm him down. Then we can sit him down and apologise for making him feel like we suspected him" Erwin nodded "That's probably a better plan" "Will he even talk to me?" "You're like a mother to him. I'm just the arsehole that broke his heart" "Ok. I guess it's better than leaving him to himself, but if he's gone into heat, you both need to leave" "That's fine. As long as he's ok and understands" Levi envied Hanji. If he'd kept his mouth closed, he could be laying in bed with Eren. He could be reassuring the omega that none of them suspected he could do anything like that. Disappearing upstairs, Hanji came flying back down a few minutes later "Eren's gone" "What do you mean he's gone?" "His phone was on his bed, and he's gone. He's not upstairs..." Fuck. He'd pushed too far and now... Eren had taken off... this was his fault. Staggering, Erwin caught him by the arm "He'll be ok" "You don't know that!" "Moblit, you take your car and head South, Levi and I will head North" "What if he's gone back to Zeke?" The words slipped from his mouth, like the colour had drained from his face, completely unintentionally due to shock "No. Right now, we need to look for him. Hanji, you stay here and act as a go between. If you find him, call Hanji, and we'll do the same" "This is all my fucking fault" "Levi" "I pushed him too fucking far. He just wanted someone to believe him, and I let him down. I made him feel like I was blaming him" "Levi" "What?! He's broken and fucking scared. His abusive piece of shit brother keeps fucking with his life! We turned our backs on him! He opened up to us, and we fucking broke his trust. No wonder he left. We told him we'd be there for him, and the moment something happens, we all jump at the chance to blame him" Hanji broke down into small sobs "Moblit... what do we do?" "We find him and we bring him home" "But he hates us" "Then we apologise and we work hard to fix things. We explain that we didn't understand what was going on, and even if he doesn't want to see us or talk to us, it's still safer if he remains here"

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lifeonashelf · 6 years

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CAT POWER

When I started working as a clerk at Rhino in 2001, one of my floor managers was a guy named Aaron, a real cool cat who was a few years older than me and a fellow writer (poetry, mostly, but working on his elusive first novel, if I recall correctly). At the time, he probably also fit the textbook description of an alcoholic—hey, it was a record store; most of us who worked there fit that textbook description. But Aaron wasn’t one of those slovenly, discernibly reckless drunks. He was a good-looking dude whose unruffled mien suggested that when he got wasted, he got Elegantly Wasted, and whenever he came in the morning after a bender, the luggage under his eyes was accompanied by a knowing smirk which intimated he had way more fun than you did last night and possibly woke up next to a foxy companion whose name he could only vaguely recall. Naturally, since I was a budding writer with aspirations of being an Elegantly-Wasted alcoholic, I looked up to the guy.

After Aaron left Rhino (I was promoted into the managerial spot he vacated, so he did me a solid there), he switched to bartending at a spot called the Second Avenue Alehouse, where we continued to have positive dealings. Since one of his duties was booking bands to perform at the pub, he slotted Happyending into the schedule several times. Second Avenue was in Upland—only ten miles away from almost everyone I knew at the time—and the place drew healthy business with or without us, so our Alehouse gigs were all reliably well-attended. We were also allowed to play for as long as we wanted, an attractive proposition since our repertoire had ballooned to something like 50 originals and 15 or so covers at that point. Since we obviously thought we had a lot of good tunes to offer, executing a Pearl Jam-esque thirty-song set was much more appealing to us than whittling our wares into a tidy thirty-minute package to be efficiently shoe-horned into rosters with like six other bands at the more traditional clubs where we performed. Plus, Aaron always made sure we got paid—generously, I might add, for an outfit of our limited stature—and kept us plied with free beer all night. Unsurprisingly, the Second Avenue Alehouse ended up being my very favorite venue that ever hosted Happyending.

[Our experiences there were infinitely preferable to some of our more ill-starred outings, such as one disastrous gig at a Cask ‘N Cleaver steakhouse (yes, really) in Orange County, where our entire audience consisted of my dad, the restaurant’s staff, and the consequently aggrieved lady who booked the show: an amateur promoter named Linda, who we had done a few previous gigs for despite ascertaining she was fucking insane. Linda was in particularly rare form the evening of that fabled Cask ‘n Cleaver show. While we were chatting with her upon our arrival at the eatery, she erupted into a lengthy tirade about how the government was putting chemicals in Hostess Twinkies which allowed the CIA to use said snack cakes for nefarious mind-control purposes. She was wholly sincere—and rather frightening in her fervor—so I didn’t have the stones to tell her that the only post-hypnotic suggestion I’ve ever received while eating a Twinkie is that Twinkies are goddamn delicious and I should eat five more of them in immediate succession. Anyway, Linda was incensed that we had failed to lure vast throngs of people to come watch us play in the lounge of a two-and-a-half-star chain restaurant located in a city where we didn’t know anybody. As our scheduled set-time drew near and the establishment remained completely empty, her fretfulness morphed into a vehement lambasting. “Where is everybody, Taylor?” Linda growled, to which I summed up the utter idiocy of the booking by shrugging and telling her, “Linda, this is a Cask ‘N Cleaver.” Nevertheless, we played reasonably well to that room full of vacant white-clothed tables—the candles ornamenting each one gently flickered as I threw power-chords and throaty yells at them, almost like a swaying sea of lighter-hoisting admirers; if we had any ballads in our set, we might have found ourselves in the midst of a poignant moment there. I also definitely noticed the bartender rocking out while he idly wiped down all the mugs behind the bar, ostensibly preparing his glassware just in case the zero people sitting at his counter started ordering pints. However, what I remember most about that night is how dejected we felt driving home from the gig… Not because my father was the only person who showed up to see us, mind you, but because we realized we had inadvertently walked out on the sizable tab we accrued for the hearty appetizers-and-all feast we devoured before our performance. I assure you our malfeasance was wholly unintentional (the food was really quite good; the joint handily earned its 2.5 stars). We simply forgot all about the bill because we were so focused on making a quick exit from the premises after we finished packing up our gear—as I said, Linda was livid; we were justifiably worried she might assault us with Scopolamine-laced Twinkies if we stuck around to give her the chance. In any case, I never returned to that Cask ‘N Cleaver (apparently, the dearth of clientele wasn’t limited to the nights Happyending performed there because the location has long since closed) so it’s entirely possible there is an outstanding warrant for my arrest in the city of Fountain Valley.]

My memories of hanging out with Aaron after each of our Alehouse performances are just as fond as my memories of the shows themselves. We closed the pub down every time we played there, and our host was always game for a few after-hours rounds once he cleared everyone else out; more than once, we ended up lingering to drink and smoke and shoot the shit until four or five in the morning, which naturally proved to be a fertile milieu for some extremely pleasant and memorable conversations (actually, I can’t really remember them, I just remember they were pleasant). Anyway, aside from that, the main reason Aaron has turned up in this essay is because in addition to being a real good dude, he was also a big fan of Cat Power.

I hadn’t yet heard any of Cat Power’s music when she first came up in palaver with Aaron at Rhino, so it was through him I learned that moniker is the stage name used by a highly-regarded singer-songwriter named Chan Marshall, who he assessed as follows: “She’s a fucking trainwreck, man. But I love her.” He then went on to tell me about some of the various Cat Power gigs he had attended over the years, which he succinctly described as “iffy”—he was being overly polite, I think, considering the particulars he then shared.

Aaron told me he was present for at least one show where Marshall abruptly ended the set after a few songs and walked off stage without explanation (which was evidently a common occurrence at the time), and another which was cancelled moments before it was set to begin because she didn’t feel like playing at all (which was evidently also a common occurrence at the time). Yet Aaron sounded positively tickled as he described these episodes to me, as if an aborted Cat Power concert was still a rewarding event to witness—to hear him tell it, Chan Marshall’s histrionic refusal to perform somehow endeared her to him more, perhaps even perversely validated his enthusiasm for her work because her erratic conduct reinforced the brittle-diva mythos she had cultivated. Since he had already accepted the “will-she-or-won’t-she” cliffhanger as part of the whole Cat Power mystique, even when Marshall was too much of a mess to operate, she was still satisfying some aspect of his fandom. And he clearly wasn’t dissuaded by either of these experiences; the very next time a Cat Power gig was announced in our area, Aaron bought a ticket for that show, too.

In a very real sense, Chan Marshall was playing hard to get. But Aaron kept chasing her because he was optimistic that someday, if he persisted, she was bound to eventually put out and play songs at one of her concerts. I’m fascinated by the singular impact this prolonged ear-tease fostered for him. Imagine: when he finally did get to watch a complete Cat Power performance, that gig must have been momentous by default, simply by virtue of it actually happening. And make no mistake, the effusiveness of Aaron’s gushing suggested he would remain a steadfast fan for life; though the wearisome cycle he described made me initially reckon that Chan Marshall was either a pretentious wanker or a narcissistic wacko, the more I think about it, she might actually be a genius.

[When I told my friend Paul I was working on this piece, he shared a strikingly similar reminiscence of a Cat Power performance he went to in Claremont several years back. According to him, that show started 45-minutes late because Marshall kept sending out a roadie in her stead to fastidiously tune and retune her piano several times; Paul also added that when Chan finally took the stage, she was essentially dragged there by one of her handlers and never once used the piano which had been so painstakingly fussed over.]

To this day, I still know almost nothing about Chan Marshall or her music, beyond Aaron’s insinuation that she apparently doesn’t like performing it in front of people. I do have one Cat Power selection in my library—you wouldn’t be reading this if I didn’t—though the sole reason I own You Are Free is because one of the tracks features a guest appearance from Eddie Vedder, and that is the only song on the album I can recall ever listening to (I didn’t even purchase this disc, actually; mine is an advance promotional copy that was given to me when it was released in 2003—in a precisely literal sense, I could say to this CD, “you are free”).

Despite writing nearly 2,000 words up to this point, I still have not cued up a single song off You Are Free. I decided to take an atypical approach to this essay because I wanted to examine this particular offering in a more concentrated fashion. Although I’ve spent a lot of time heckling Cat Power thus far, my casual mockery isn’t motivated by any authentic malice—I’ve been doing it mostly just because I’m a dick sometimes. The truth is, I have lofty expectations for this record. Marshall’s work comes enthusiastically endorsed by multiple people I know, and the credentials she has cultivated since Aaron first told me about her (widespread critical acclaim, concert appearances at which she presumably actually performed, etc.) have made me far more curious about Cat Power now than I was 12 years ago. So I’m ready to give Chan Marshall my undivided attention. And just to make sure I’m listening closely, I’m going to tackle You Are Free one track at a time:

Okay, so the first song on the disc is called “I Don’t Blame You”. It’s essentially just a rudimentary piano melody with an austere vocal on top of it—it reminds me of all the songs in Tori Amos’s catalog I don’t like, mostly. Marshall’s voice sure is lovely, though. Delicate. Subdued. Lamenting. And the piano has obviously been meticulously tuned.

Up next is the quasi title-track, “Free”. This cut kicks off with a cycle of four stabbing power chords, so I’m anticipating that it maybe-possibly is going to rock. A few bars in, I’m slightly reminded of Elastica, which is totally fine with me because Elastica is awesome. Now an atonal second guitar part has joined the fray in the background—sweet, the song is building. Chan keeps repeating the same riff over and over again, but this motif is bound to make a huge impression when the drums kick in and the chorus arrives. Yep, there we go: a crunchy guitar just dropped in to double the chords, and… Oh… So, that only happened twice; now we’re back to the lumbering refrain she’s been playing this whole time. Okay, here come the drums… Wait, those aren’t real drums—they sound like the percussion pads on a child’s keyboard, and it’s not even a “beat,” really, just some clunky tap-tap kick-snare thing. Something’s bound to happen soon though, I can feel it. “Everybody / get together / free.” There aren’t a whole lot of lyrics in this song. Okay, any second now, the dynamic payoff is going to… Wait… It’s over? What the fuck, Chan? One dopey riff for three and a half minutes, “everybody, get together, free” like eight times, and that was it? Shit. That was anticlimactic.

Thankfully, “Good Woman” is much better. The warm guitar tone sells it: slow, chiming notes on reprise, but there’s some emotional atmosphere behind them. R.E.M. has built countless great tunes around this same minimalist approach, and it’s working just fine here. I also dig the fiddles randomly scissoring through; they sound like they’re playing the chords to an entirely different song, but that’s kind of neat and it works. This is super-droney and super-gloomy, but in a good way. Chan Marshall really does sing beautifully. Maybe I like Cat Power. My promo copy didn’t include a lyric booklet, but this track is making me sad, so I’m assuming it’s about something sad. That’s cool, I love sad music. Hey, there’s Eddie Vedder. He sounds sad, too.

Now we’re on to “Speak For Me”. Yeah, I can get on board with this—perhaps those first two unexceptional tracks were flukes? This is a perfect spot on the album to encounter a decent mid-tempo number that actually feels like a fully-formed song, with chord changes and a chorus and everything. This reminds me a bit of Neko Case, and I figured out a couple entries ago that I love Neko Case. I wonder if the Girl With the Neko Case Tote enjoys Cat Power. I should text her and ask her. There’s a nifty plinking piano line and a few layers of textured guitars along for the ride, so this track has a lot going for it. Good tune.

“Werewolf” is a rather glum exercise, but I like the sparse arrangement and the way the lazily-picked campfire acoustic sits way down in the mix and the pair of melancholy violins moaning on top of it. Marshall’s pipes are the clear centerpiece here, though; now that I’ve heard her run through a few modulations I’m getting a better sense of what all the fuss is about. I can’t tell if this song is about metaphorical werewolves or actual werewolves, but from the sound of things I’m reasonably certain it’s about werewolves who are non-metaphorically depressed. I’d probably be depressed if I was a werewolf, too. I can totally relate to this one.

Now I’m listening to “Fool”, which sounds exactly like what I assumed Cat Power would sound like when I didn’t know what Cat Power sounded like. This track isn’t doing much for me. The only instrumentation here is an elementary replicating guitar line; while there’s nothing wrong with “simple,” “Fool” veers much closer to “dull.” There are a couple of harmonizing vocal stratums present to beef up Marshall’s quaver and infuse the track with some nuance, but there’s nothing especially special about this one, I’m afraid. The promotional blurb on my CD notes that “You Are Free marks Chan Marshall’s first album of original material in nearly 4 years…” “Fool” is only four minutes long, and shouldn’t have taken any capable musician much longer than that to write—I can’t fathom what Chan was doing for the rest of those four years.

“He War” marks the record’s mid-point and would, I assume, be the last tune on Side A if I was listening to this on vinyl. That makes this a significant cut in terms of placement, though it’s not particularly significant in terms of quality. Actually, this is the first song I’ve heard on You Are Free that I’m having trouble distinguishing from other songs I’ve already heard on You Are Free—it basically just marries the repetitive chugging of “Free” to the loose groove of “Speak For Me”. I’ve heard enough sparks of excellence thus far to discern that Marshall is a skilled songwriter, but this is another one of those instances where Chan merely stumbles into a single serviceable riff and continuously recycles it for the entire track. This album is starting to frustrate me; I still have the haunting hum of “Werewolf” in my head and I keep wishing Cat Power was consistently as good as that track suggests. Marshall’s voice remains great, but “He War” doesn’t conjure up a very exciting backdrop for it. Instantly forgettable, this one. I hope Side B is stronger.

The second division begins with “Shaking Paper”, which is indeed stronger than the last two numbers. Marshall is still only playing one phrase, but it’s a good one, and this tune at least has a legitimate snapping drum beat carrying it along. There’s also a feedback-rich binary guitar track lending some effectively menacing ambiance. This one, I get.

“Baby Doll” is another somber narrative in the same tonal vein as “Werewolf”, and I like this one a lot, too. Marshall’s husky front-and-center vocals here are exquisite. She hits a couple of plainly-audible flubbed guitar notes, and I totally dig that she left the mistakes in; the emotional urgency of the track benefits from those spontaneous human touches. This song sounds like something you’d hear in a pivotal film scene—Jennifer Lawrence driving down a lonesome shadow-swept highway in a torrential rain storm looking gorgeously despondent at the end of the second act, perhaps. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what Chan Marshall had in mind when she wrote this; You Are Free came out in 2003, so she was probably picturing Kate Winslet instead. Nevertheless, “Baby Doll” is more evocative and potent than anything else I’ve heard on this disc. If all of Chan’s stuff was this strong, I would definitely consider going back and deleting all of the snarky jibes in this piece—but, you know, I’m not going to do that.

Alas, the title of the next song serves as an apt rejoinder to my supposition that maybe I’m starting to genuinely dig Cat Power: “Maybe Not”. I wasn’t craving yet another Chan-at-the-piano exercise, let alone one that is essentially a lackluster reworking of “I Don’t Blame You”; I think she may be playing the exact same chords, even. The blurb on my CD’s insert proclaims that “You Are Free is most assuredly not easy listening,” which now reads more like a warning than a sanction. I’m always suspicious when publicists whose job is to promote an album use “challenging” as a buzzword. That just seems like a democratic way of saying, “this record sounds terrible at first, but maybe it will grow on you if you listen to it a whole bunch of times.”

In a sterling example of what could only be kismet, one of the first lyrics I discern in the next cut is the phrase, “having difficulty.” And I am: “Names” is so drearily monotonous that merely lasting through it is a grueling task. It’s the longest track on the album, stretching to nearly five minutes (though it feels much longer; I had to pause the song in the middle for a cigarette break). Yet again, Marshall is milking a single dowdy and dismal piano melody all the way through the tune. Which means that “Names” sounds exactly like “Maybe Not”, which means that it also sounds exactly like “I Don’t Blame You”, which means that I’m bored. Even the vocal performance is uninspired—this track evidently bores Chan Marshall, too.

“Half of You” is half a song, more of an interlude than a lude. At least it’s pretty. It’s got drums, too. Actually, just one drum, resounding over the soft acoustic flutter like rolling thunder, or like a heartbeat, maybe. Similes.

Hey! The intro to “Keep On Runnin’ ” sort of reminds me of a slower rendering of the intro to Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. Now, that’s a killer song. Kirk Hammett’s climactic solo on that number gives me goddamn chills. That dude’s one of the greatest lead guitarists ever, hands down. Metallica got all kinds of shit for making such a blatantly commercial record after cranking out four underground thrash classics in a row, but as far as I’m concerned, Metallica (more commonly known as “The Black Album”) is a truly remarkable piece of work that has aged splendidly. And not just the obvious tracks, either—give “My Friend of Misery” and “The God That Failed” another spin sometime soon; fucking fantastic stuff (“Don’t Tread on Me” still blows, though). That album also features the song “Of Wolf and Man”, which is about non-metaphorical werewolves (the lyrics don’t specify whether or not they’re depressed). Granted, “Of Wolf and Man” is kind of cheesy, but it’s still a solid cut with some excellent chugga-chugga riffing; in the pantheon of hard rock songs about lycanthropy, I’d rank it slightly higher than Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark at the Moon” (which I have to assume is about metaphorical werewolves since actual werewolves howl at the moon rather than bark at it—though this distinction is somewhat puzzling since Ozzy had himself made-up like a non-metaphorical werewolf for the cover of the album and the song’s video). Anyway, The Black Album was a keystone disc for me that opened up a whole lot of sonic doors and proved to be a tantalizing viaduct to the more brutal metal I would soon become obsessed with. Since I heard “Enter Sandman” long before I heard “Fight Fire With Fire”, I wasn’t even cognizant that Metallica was toning down their sound—besides, I was too busy being floored by this aural juggernaut with walloping drums and an insanely cool riff progression to care (fun fact: “Sandman” was the very first song I learned to play on my very first guitar, a red Peavey Predator which I of course still have). Oh… “Keep On Runnin’ ” just ended. Shit, I wasn’t paying attention. It was… okay?

“Evolution” is a glaringly unsuitable title for a song that is practically identical to three other tracks on this disc. For all of their elemental equivalencies, “Evolution”, “Names”, “Maybe Not”, and “I Don’t Blame You” could have been recorded in a single sitting—hell, they could be alternate takes of the same tune which Chan Marshall simply superimposed different lyrics over. I’ve run out of clever ways to indicate when she’s playing the same plain melody ad nauseam for the entire song. Instead, I will merely note that “Evolution” features Marshall playing the same plain melody ad nauseam for the entire song. The best endorsement I can give this redundant ditty is that it marks the end of an album I have not enjoyed listening to very much.

So, there’s a really terrific EP buried amidst the hour-long straggle of detritus and tedium that comprises You Are Free, and there’s just enough testimony to support Chan Marshall’s classification as a worthy artist. However, I didn’t find the record “challenging” as much as I found it inconsistent and wearying. Marshall’s voice is sincerely magnificent, and I have no doubt she’s talented, but she seems to struggle with channeling her energies into songs which demonstrate both of those things at the same time. It’s possible she’s just one of those artists whose entire body of work needs to be absorbed to cultivate an inclusive appreciation—regardless, I have little desire to labor through five more Cat Power albums searching for a few additional tunes as good as the stronger tracks I’ve heard here. I highly doubt I will want to listen to You Are Free again for another 12 years, so I’m not sure there’s even a reason for me to keep my copy of it. Still, in the interest of thoroughness, I did replay the disc from start to finish while reading over what I’ve written here so far. End result: I’m still mostly meh about You Are Free, but now I’m totally in the mood to hear Metallica.

I also ended up texting The Girl With the Neko Case Tote to ask her feelings on Cat Power; as I guessed, she is a fan. Interestingly, her estimation of Chan Marshall’s work is markedly similar to mine—she’s just far more forgiving than I am of the bouts of ennui between Chan’s intermittent bursts of excellence. She also informed me that Marshall’s history has been dogged by recurring struggles with alcoholism. This data probably should have caused me to reconsider the way I’ve been making light of her eccentric fitfulness in this piece, but instead it makes me wonder why her music isn’t more interesting when she has such an artistically-suitable vice to inspire her (I told you I was a dick sometimes). Deducing that booze is at the root of Cat Power’s gig cancellations and wildly uneven songwriting doesn’t necessarily make me enjoy her work any more or less—though her conduct does disqualify her from being an Elegantly-Wasted alcoholic and shift her more into the realm of a too-wasted-to-play alcoholic, which is a far less appealing breed to me.

Anyway, I asked my secret soul-mate’s permission to quote her response because it provided a nice balance to my own conclusions. This is what she typed:

“Here’s the thing with Cat Power tracks, they are either stunning… OR they’re… sort of eh matte mess because they sound half finished or undone or loose at the seams.”

This seemed to be right in line with Aaron’s assessment from 12 years earlier. Which makes me suspect that acknowledging Cat Power is terrible a lot of the time is an integral part of being a Cat Power fan. When I shared how unimpressed I was by Chan’s brand of prosaic, single-idea song-writing, she added:

“Baby listen, she’s drunk. And she’s Cat Power. So we forgive her and just stop listening to her songs for a while. Until I or we (Royal) become drunk and take her records off the shelf… And appreciate her humanity in all its stand-up and stumbling glory… She reminds us of someone we know, or someone we sometimes have been.”

The Girl With The Neko Case Tote may be onto something there. This entire installment has been crafted under the influence of mere coffee, so I might be missing the point because I’m missing a key ingredient of the Cat Power recipe. I wouldn’t be any kind of reporter if I didn’t pursue every possible avenue of our story here, which is why I’ve decided to do some field research: I have just opened a beer, and I’m going to proceed to get heavily intoxicated while listening to You Are Free one more time before I write the conclusion to this essay…

[a couple hours later] Okay, I’m drunk now and I played the disc again. Here’s what I found out: Ritual Brewing Company’s “Love & Malt” brown ale is mighty tasty. Still, the tunes I didn’t already enjoy on You Are Free only sound marginally better to me when I’m smashed—except for “I Don’t Blame You”, which sounds approximately 41% better. However, after I was done listening to Chan, I went ahead and cued up Metallica’s Black Album, and “Nothing Else Matters” sounds waaaaaaay better when I’m drunk (“Don’t Tread on Me” still blows, though).

So now I’m loaded and I have no idea how to finish this piece (which, consequently, likely explains why many of the songs on You Are Free sound as slapdash and half-formed as they do). Reading back, I’m realizing this entry has been a rather vicious one. That’s not something I’ll necessarily apologize for—hey, I did my due diligence; I’ve listened to the record three times now, and by every objective criterion it’s more not-good than good. But after conscientiously ruminating on why the Cat Power apologue resonates as so uninviting to me, I think an explanation may have dawned on me: Chan Marshall is unstable, often disappointing, and she spent many years squandering her tremendous potential because of her self-destructive habits…

She does, indeed, remind me of “someone [I] sometimes have been.” And that evocation isn’t a particularly welcome one, because I’ve never liked that person a whole lot.

Goddamn. That’s a non-metaphorically depressing epiphany right there.

November 28, 2015

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