thatdemiguy

[thatdemiguy]

Just started T

I know I haven't posted in ages. I just got my first T shot today, and I'm hoping this milestone will remind me to keep posting on here. I'll try to post (at least) weekly and talk about what's happening.

To reiterate/update: I'm on subcutaneous T shots, and I plan to continue taking a "high" dose of testosterone for the rest of my life.

[thatdemiguy]

Pronouns are complicated

Reading about Cyberpunk 2077 and the game's gender options- disappointingly not allowing created characters to have they/them pronouns (they could've taken the Xenoblade Chronicles X approach) got me thinking.

Pronouns are hella complicated. Not that it's understated or anything. But think of it this way- pronouns ≠ gender, even though they're traditionally associated with genders. A lot of people express a desire to use pronouns that don't necessarily align with their gender or gender expression, at least not by society's standards. Take for example he/him lesbian women or cis people that feel more comfortable using they/them. That's what made me start to see pronouns as extensions of one's name rather than an expression of a person's gender.

That's why I honestly think neopronouns are going to be the (maybe distant) future. They may even be derived from a person's name, rather than anything to do with gender. It would be so much easier to distinguish everyone if we all had unique pronouns. Unfortunately, I don't know if this will happen anytime soon.

Back to gender though- pronouns were something that had me caught up for a long time, just like lots of other people. I'm demimale, but because of my gender expression, I wasn't sure what pronouns I was "supposed to" use. After all, my gender expression is a feminine head with a (hopefully one day) hulking block of muscle for a body... ok I'm exaggerating a little lol. But I knew that would cause confusion for people, and it's still a mystery to me how I'll be gendered, especially after starting testosterone.

It took me years to find out that I preferred he/him. Of course, I had inklings along the way, but I didn't really listen to them. Personally, I would say it just makes sense looking at me, it's my general vibe. I can't help but wonder what it's like for someone to find out they prefer neopronouns, or even they/them with the unnecessary amount of judgement around it. I've caught people I know- my family members criticizing they/them, and while I'm not necessarily the subject of it, I hate it.

[thatdemiguy]

Transition Goals

An exercise I've been meaning to try is to write about my transition goals now, and how/if they've changed over time. I don't like using other people as my transition goals because while they look nice, at the end of the day, I'm going to look like me and no one else, and I'm happy with that.

If I had to picture myself in the future, say at the age of 25, I think I'd look largely similar to myself now, save for having a more angular face (go testosterone), being muscular (hopefully), and flat chested. I think I'd also have a lot of tattoos, but that's not really related to being trans, ha.

I used to not want to go on testosterone. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was because I didn't know that much information about T. Of course, I didn't think I'd get roid rage or anything, but I just wasn't sure if the changes are worth it.

As I've been doing more research on HRT, I learned that there was a lot more to testosterone than I thought. I've always been athletic and worked out, but I never had good gains, and I think the culprit is fat distribution. That's one thing testosterone would help. Also, I've always had jawline dysphoria. I've never struggled with my weight, but I was always so frustrated with the way that my jawline was super undefined. I have a naturally square face, so it's like, the underlying bone structure is there, but the skin's all wrong. I wouldn't half mind my voice getting deeper: I already have an adam's apple and a deep voice, so I'd be interested in seeing how much deeper my voice can get. I hope I can get like, a thundering deathmetal voice, but I'm not confident that's genetically possible.

The thing is that I'd probably continue to shave my body on testosterone. I actually don't mind it, I'm already hairy, and I even have a semi-mustache, which I actually kinda like. If it grows more though, it'll probably have to go, but maybe I can simulate the look with 5 o'clock shadow or something.

I know testosterone won't fix all my problems or anything, but the prospect of starting it has motivated me to be healthier. I know I can get acne, but my face skin already hates me, so why not step up my skin care routine? I really want to start caring for myself more, and I think testosterone can be a huge positive part of that. Also, in terms of diet, I'm going closer to vegetarianism each day because I just like fruits and vegetables more than meat in general. I look forward to getting hungrier on T because the thought of gaining muscle weight and using more energy makes me feel euphoria. I think that's a motivator to eat more fruits and vegetables.

Okay, now here's the awkward, but also not so awkward part. I hope I can get more comfortable talking about sexual stuff because it's apart of life, I guess. When I talk about it, I mostly focus on myself since I'm on the ace spectrum. I don't know if I'll ever be interested in a sexual partner.

I actually like the idea of libido increases on testosterone. I have high libido already, but it kind of just exists and doesn't go anywhere because of dysphoria stuff. I know my sexuality won't change, but my sex drive probably will. The way I am, my sex drive isn't directed at anyone, it's more of an event I guess. I could never... get off, and I have heard that testosterone could help that. Especially since I have bottom dysphoria, I never was comfortable with most methods.

I look forward to getting bottom growth on testosterone. I don't think I want phalloplasty, but having a tiny like, thing, is perfectly fine for me. I actually don't really think a full on penis would be right for me, and I'm fine with not having testicles, as long as I get testosterone.

My mom asked me about bottom growth the other day, and I was so awkward at explaining it. I basically said that, in the womb, everyone starts with the same structures, so testosterone will make my existing "structures" more male. And after I explained that, she asked, "So you want a penis?" I think it's funny now, as I'm not currently feeling awkward in the conversation, but it seems like that's one of the things that really gets my parents.

Medically, I know that once I start testosterone, I'm most likely going to take it indefinitely. The thought of some changes reversing over time if I go off T gives me serious dysphoria. I do want a hysterectomy, but I'm probably keeping my ovaries just to be prudent. That way, if I can't access testosterone for some reason, I won't have osteoporosis, and I won't have to worry about bleeding ever again.

I want to go on testosterone gel, and luckily for me, I know a a compounding pharmacy that'll probably make it cheaper. The reason why I want gel is not because I'm scared of needles, but I don't want to get peaks and troughs of hormone levels (I've had enough of that already). I hope that, once my dose is secured for the future, I can start getting testosterone pellets instead for consistency. My only worry is that my doctor will make me do shots. I have bad skin reactions to needles (I would break out in rashes around the area for weeks after getting immunizations and once an IV). There's the possibility that I could be allergic to the gel, but I'd rather chance that than chance a testosterone deposit being inside my thigh for days and causing me a worse allergic reaction. I want my dose to be in the normal male range. Going on a low dose sounds interesting, but in the long term, I'd get the same changes anyway.

In terms of top surgery, once my chest grew (measuring cup size makes me too dysphoric- I'm not large chested, but they're very dense and hard to crush), I felt sad about needing double incision. But the idea of double incision is freeing actually, as I want go ditch the nips for good. My nipples always grossed me out, and I'd hate to have them stretched after surgery. Plus, I was going to blast over them with chest tattoos anyway, so like, why keep them around? I think it'd also look nice to have diagonal scars, if that's possible for me. I actually want more of an ambiguous chest than a countored one, as I want to get muscular anyway.

I've always wanted top surgery since I was 11, but originally, I thought I'd have to have nipples. Knowing my opinions makes me a lot more confident. A hysterectomy was also on the list from the beginning, and that was definitely something I had been super obsessed with. Now, I don't feel like it's as much of a priority, but I hope to get it pretty soon after starting T and having too surgery.

This has pretty much been my transition goals as of late. I guess I can consolidate it into testosterone, mastectomy, hysterectomy.

[thatdemiguy]

How I found out I was trans

I figured that for my first post, I'd start from the beginning to give some background. At the time of writing this, I'm 17, and I've known that I was trans for six years. Sometimes I feel bad talking about this, especially because I feel like my dysphoria and trans experience is kind of stereotypical. When I was very young, younger than four, I would insist to my parents that I was a boy. I had a lot of moments where I'd feel extremely disconnected from myself, especially when I was treated like a girl. I think that I dissociated for years just because I couldn't connect to my own body or life.

I would often have moments of rebellion, so to speak, where I would demand the "boy toy" from restaurants, vandalize my "girl toys", and insist on hanging out with the boys or doing otherwise boyish things. I would tuck blankets I'm between my legs and pretend like I had a penis; I was obsessed with the idea of peeing standing up, and even more infuriated that I couldn't do it. My anger would surface in jokes, such as when I'd wear a button up pajama shirt and run through the house screaming "I'm a man!" On the surface, it was hilarious, but inside, I felt pure frustration.

I think my parents accepted my masculine side as just being a tomboy, but now, when I think of it, there were so many signs that they missed. I can't blame them, no one really expects their kid to be trans. This was all before puberty, though.

Puberty was when I really died inside. I knew I was in the wrong body, and I soaked in denial for years even after knowing who I was. When I first got shark week, my mother celebrated it, ordered food, told my whole family. I was absolutely humiliated. I withdrew a lot more afterwards. What didn't help was that I went to a private Catholic school. I knew that I couldn't express much distain for my gender without facing some kind of backlash, and the environment among students was tumultuous. I had a bisexual friend who I confided in, and she was part of why I didn't loose my grip right away. I think after a while, I became more outgoing with my gender and people knew that I wasn't really female.

When in sixth grade, it dawned on me after being overly curious (for a cis person) about trans identities and surgeries, that I was nonbinary. I knew I wanted top surgery and a hysterectomy one day, and the fact that I couldn't have then at a young age tore me up. I had another good friend that I told, and she eventually became probably the best friend I've had. I could tell her anything, and we would literally have sleepovers for days. Even though I wasn't necessarily a social pariah as some of my other friends were, I still felt like I never really belonged; I knew I was never really being honest.

During middle school, I threw myself into academics. It was the only thing that would distracted me, other than the extensive worlds in my head that I'd spend virtually all of my time in. I really sacrificed learning about myself as a result.