theblacksheepproject-blog

[theblacksheepproject-blog]

Susie Rinehart

I was raised to believe that I could be anything I wanted to be. The way I internalized that message was that I must go out into the world and be great. Yet there were many times that I didn’t feel capable of being great. All I ever saw were the outer, perfect performances of men and women in my life: my father’s crisp suits and ties, my mother’s several degrees and awards. I never heard about their inner conflict, so that when I encountered doubt or struggle as a young woman, as the leader of a school, as a writer, and as a mother, I thought that the confusion I experienced was uniquely mine. I assumed everyone else knew exactly what she was doing. Then I started asking people for their stories, and I heard the constellations of suffering and beauty that make up who we are. Now, as I raise two children, I want to move away from giving them motivational speeches full of high expectations about how they can be anything they want to be. Instead I want to move towards open conversations from a place of trust and courage. I want them to live big lives, full of meaning and impact. To do that, I don't believe the world needs them to be great, it just needs them to find enough courage to contribute to the common good.

[theblacksheepproject-blog]

Luke Kelly

Yo, my name is Luke Kelly. I think the name Lucas is way cooler but few know that. When I look at my life my friends and family are all I care about. They've taught me everything I know, especially my two sisters. Cassidy taught me what it means to have a heart of gold. Caitlyn taught me I'm worth something and "if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough". My dream is to follow Jesus well, and teach kids what I've learned from my two sisters forever. My hope rests in that.

[theblacksheepproject-blog]

Ellie Moran

Winds in the east, mist coming in. Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin." Maybe it's because my mind works in a million different ways or because of my made fun of size and shape, my volume or inability to take a good picture, but I have always been the black sheep. I don't say that because of the title of this project, it's a fact of my life. I am different. I think in creative stories and can remember back to when I was three years old. I've never been like the other girls in the schoolyard, and growing up, that pained me. Still does. I seek to make myself known in crowded places, to be the first on the dance floor, the loudest at the dinner table. Truth is, the quiet parts, the hidden spaces, my wandering imagination, the unseen joy--that is where I am found.

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Luke Barnocky I find my joy in being with others. It's what fulfills me on a daily basis. But, there's much more to it than having a simple relationship with someone. In the vicious world of high school seeking validity from the people I surround myself with was unbelievably important to me. The thing is, every interaction simply wasn’t good enough. I’m not funny enough, I’m not cool enough, I’m too annoying, too boring... whatever. Long sleepless nights over something I wish I said or didn’t say. Hating myself for not being the right person. I realized the thing I thought was lifting me up just left me more broken and empty…... Now I don’t have a defining moment in my life, no champion success story or rock bottom, but I do have the daily battle of finding my true self. I know that strength and identity comes from the lord. So that leaves me where I am today, a high school kid knocking on that door trying to find God so I can find myself through him.

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Christine Salva For a few months now, I have felt like I am completely flying blind in almost every aspect of my life. I have no idea what I’m doing or what life’s going to throw at me next. I have zero things figured out. This is the most terrifying but exhilarating concept. Each day is a surprise, and I’m trying to focus on how alive that makes me feel rather than how much that scares me. “My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control.”-Master Oogway to Shifu from the best cinematic accomplishment to ever hit our culture, Kung Fu Panda

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Owen Harris People have seen me and perceived me but they have no idea about me. I grew up in a broken household. Was with my Mom for her first D.U.I. Saw her get taken away for her second. Got evicted early. Never enough money. Never enough alcohol. I was arrested by the age of 13 but that was God's grace already in action before something worst happened. I didn't grow up a church kid. My Mom went to jail and I haven't lived with her since January 2011. Broken relationships have been something of a constant to me, some self-inflected and sometimes shit just happens. Searching for worth in football or girls or people has been huge for me. Depression ran through my veins for a few years. I would just breakdown and cry anywhere and everywhere. I was worn. I also hurt people through the process, people that never deserved to be hurt. Those were never my intentions and my heart still breaks from knowing I was capable of doing that. I've been fed lies and believed them for far far too long and one night Jesus told me to leave one of my biggest dreams, playing college football to follow him. I wrestled with God and everyone told me to stay, but I KNEW Jesus told me to leave. It was the hardest decision of my life but the best decision I've ever made. He promised me life and asked me to TRUST HIM... and he has revealed himself in ways I could've never imagined. He gave me LIFE and is continuing too. If the heart is the wellspring of life and "The Glory of God is man fully Alive" Jesus took me back here to get my heart back. We were all created to manifest the Glory of God. We were created to be in relationship with The Author of Life. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

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Alexandra Thornton I’ve always struggled with the concept of home.  In my almost 21 years I’ve lived in 2 countries, 4 states, and twenty houses.  I’ve attended 7 schools and had to make and say goodbye to countless friends.  For a long time I believed that this was normal, that the only constant I would ever know was change.  I heard a lot that it didn’t matter where you lived, that “home is where the heart is.” This wasn’t very reassuring when I felt my heart ripped in a thousand directions due to divorce, abuse, perfectionism, and trust being broken over, and over, and over.  Home has always felt like a gift that some people get and some people don’t, but those who have it don’t ever seem to know how lucky they are. When I met Jesus this mindset changed…falling in love with Him changed my perception of what a home is.  Sure, home can be a physical place, somewhere to celebrate holidays and create memories, but it is so much more than that.  Home is a direction, and that direction is Jesus and a reckless pursuit of life with Him.  I have never felt so warm, cherished, known, and chosen than in the arms of my Father.  There, seeking refuge in His arms, is home enough for me.

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Josh Achorn Hey it’s Josh. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, so I distract myself with hobbies like building and creating to fill the void. I like to think things come pretty easy to me so if I get bored of one project, I move on to the next and try to perfect it as much as I possibly can until I get bored again and move on to the next. Friends are fun to have, so I break ice with as many people as possible and the people that resiprocate, I consider a new acquaintance. Sometimes I just want to drop everything and move somewhere new to start over but that feeling comes and goes so I don’t really worry about it much. I love performing, and music is the one hobby I never get bored of.  I used to suck and apparently I don't anymore. Maybe i’ll make it as a musician someday, but if not, oh well. growing and learning are the most important things in my life because no matter how much you know, there’s always more information to learn, and always more room to grow

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Becky McKenzie For most of my life, I’ve let someone else set the bar for my happiness and my self worth. Based upon how many “good jobs, well dones and thank yous” received, I had let that become the measurement of my success and my value. I’ve worked my ass off for people who really don’t care to notice. I’ve tried to make friends where none were to be made. I’ve blamed myself when I fell short of their expectations. Did I make them happy? Did they like me? Was I good enough? I’ve obsessed over those questions. I’ve had some dark moments obsessing over those answers. Its taken a whole lot of lonely to be happy with who and how and what I am today. Also, to be happy with what I am not : I am not the normal one. I don’t fit into any one mold. I’m not that good, wholesome, all-American Christian girl. I really tried to be that girl. I’ve even tried to be that woman. I’m just plain old bad at it. Instead, I’m blunt, I’m loud and I like to argue. I’m stubborn. I interrupt people and I lose my train of thought as often as I lose my keys. I talk too fast and swear too much. I do not make everyone happy. I’m learning to be ok with these parts of my unflattering inner self. Embrace them maybe. I’ve come to find that this creates all sorts of discomfort for others who are expecting me to be exactly what they see. I'm learning to recognize when people realize I’m not “like them”. I’m learning to look for that disappointment. I’m learning to accept it but to never let it define or change me. I’m learning to set my own bar and my own worth. I’m learning to be happy with that. As the great Maya Angelou says “You may not control all the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them”...

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Elias Lehnert Afraid of this middle ground, A seed rebellious in its state It knows of its Maker but contemplates itself, his reflection is nothing more than a speck Yet knowingly it's composed of detail Detail that is miraculous, a makeup that is growing a building to house the divine If only to believe and trust that if planted this seed would grow, Afraid of this middle ground. This speck this seed this holy container Nothing alone, But if trusted to be planted Who knows what will grow.

[theblacksheepproject-blog]

Megan Swartzlander I've always struggled with low self esteem and comparison. I have a huge fear of being unchosen, which is what led to an obsessive need to prove myself. I think that along the way I began to actually believe that I was already unchosen. I was caught in a cycle of feeling like I had to prove myself but in the end feeling empty and thus trying again. I tried to perfect the areas of my life that I believed would define me. I took pride in looking like I was fine and had my life together. Weakness was not an option. When those areas of my life started falling apart I lost my identity because all of my worth was placed in an unrealistic persona of myself. I think that that's a really lonely existence...that if you show weakness that you're automatically unchosen. I think it's still hard but I consciously choose every day to relinquish control and believe that my mess doesn't seal my fate to be unchosen. My faults don't make me unworthy of love. I'm learning to believe that The Lord says that I'm worth it.

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Ryan Grzelak Growing up my home was unstable. My parents divorced when I was thirteen. Through many tedious years of pushing feelings far, far down and displaying different masks for different people, I grew depressed and developed bad traits I am ashamed to call part of me. Trust issues formed as I hushed the pain I carried. Every aspect of my life was surface level. My relationship with God was rather pretend. The Ryan Grzelak I showed the world, and the Ryan Grzelak I showed blades, pills, drugs, and alcohol were never one in the same. Afraid, I never showed anyone my real thoughts, feelings, or even suicidal tendencies. Believing I was disqualified, I indulged in a life that was as good as a failure, I was running a race I had never even had a chance in. And last, doubting that God could ever love me, let alone be real proved to me that I had no worth neither here on earth, or beyond. I've taken myself to the edge too many times for these reasons. Yet, every time I was at this "edge" I turned back. This whole time, every edge I had taken myself to. Every life or death ultimatum. God was there. God was on the other side of that edge. Oddly enough he was saying "jump". Jump Ryan, I'll catch you. After years of bitter distrust for most anyone including the God of our universe, this feat seemed impossible. Yet, over years and through constant persistence and outright love, I gave in. I jumped into a life of love and a life of God. -a life worth living-

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Stephanie LaFlora When your mind goes numb it's like playing your life on the piano with no white keys. It ruptures the deepest volcano in your soul that before you can realize it's erupting, there's already lava annihilating your terrain. The way my mind was numb was through PTSD, but for some it's bipolar disorder, ADHD...In an instant, I found myself swallowed in a tornado of lost innocence and the coldest fear I didn't even know existed. It shattered every shred of naive I had left. Then whispered in my ear that it could kill me if it really wanted to. But I stand before you today and say I'm free. Free from the tyranny of depression, insecurity, fear. Not like I did before ---simply because I didn't know that the world was an awful ugly dark and lonely place, but because I realized that in spite of that truth, it was still tremendous.

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Kellen Kopf A sinner made clean through His grace & mercy. Fear. A word that has seemingly clouded over my head for as long as I can remember. Growing up, things were always tight when it came to money. My family was constantly moving houses to smaller and smaller places until we found ourselves living in my grandparents basement. I remember feeling a constant ache in my stomach wondering what was next and how much longer this uncertainty would drag on. For so long I tried to handle it all on my own, but it wasn't until these past few years that I realized how much my God wants to relieve my fears and take them on His yoke. He doesn't want us to go on this journey of life alone; He took on the cross so that we don't have to fight our battles alone. Matthew 6: 25-34 Fear of others opinions. I've always struggled with the idea of other people loving me because I've struggled in learning how to love myself. Through friendships falling apart and heartbreaks that shook me to the core, I've turned to the only one that accepts and loves me always; regardless of what I've done. Find love and acceptance in the Lord, He alone is the path to true joy.

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Nicolette Hoke This statement is supposed to give you a glimpse of who I am. But for the life of me, I can’t really tell you who that is. I’m tempted to say that I am the sum of the things I’m involved in, or the people I surround myself with. It could be the things that bring me joy, that give me rest, or a list of my likes and dislikes and opinions. But that feels incomplete. In a lot of ways I feel like a mass of contradictions. Instead of muscles and bones and blood, I’m made up of a kaleidoscope of personality traits at war with one another. I feel transitional. My biggest fear is if you peel away all of the layers of this perfectly constructed narrative—which I so desperately hide behind—you won’t find anything at all. But maybe, just maybe, that empty space at the very core of who I am is being reclaimed and redeemed by Jesus. In Him, there is wholeness. In Him, there is the promise that I don’t have to be defined by the things of this world. I’m His. And that’s all I really need.

[theblacksheepproject-blog]

Jeremy Kemp 

"I'm not good enough" are some of the only words I've ever believed about myself. I've never believed that I am worthy of your time, or attention, definitely not love. But if just do better I might be. If I just achieve more. If I'm smarter, more athletic, wiser, cooler, anything then maybe I'll be worth it. Maybe I'll be good enough for you. But I've never been the best. I've always failed in some facet of my life. "I am a failure" are the other words I've truly believed about myself. Great combo of personal truths. But daily I'm learning to accept the fact that I don't need to be perfect for people to love me. Daily I have to humble myself and accept myself as I am, just a broken human, like the rest of us.

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Matthew Jones Growing up where I did, I didn't have much of a choice besides getting tough and keeping quiet. There wasn't alot of money in my house and we just had to make due with what we had. Even though it was tough growing up without the resources and deep pockets of the kids i went to school with, I wouldn't trade in my experience for anything becausw it made me strong. Being poor taught me how to stretch a dollar to its fullest, and especially how to appreciate every single thing that I have. Watching my dad try to hide how tired he was, my mom how sick and depressed she was, knowing how little we really had had a profound effect on me as a little kid. The fear, the hunger, the stress, the depression, the hopelessness that I experienced growing up in my house all translated into strength and determination for me. Being poor isn't noble or even easy like people say is, its being scared. Its wondering where your meals will come from. Hoping that apartment won't get broken into or shot up. But what is true is that if you keep your head up through all of it, if you believe in yourself and your family, you will make it through the bad times a stronger man.