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[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Realmente quiero vivir, resistir, existir, aunque a veces no. A veces solo siento una terrible fatiga, y casi me siento ser consumida desde mis entrañas, como si hubiera un agujero negro dentro de mí o el mismo universo en mi interior.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

I'm still alive

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Learning a new language really does make you aware of how many fucking words there are. Waaaaaay too many things in this world that need their own special little word. Grow up.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Well, I know I've been a bit lost the last few weeks or months, I'm not sure. The point is that I started my master's in hydraulics and I'm in the third module, and today I had an anxiety episode, which is a bit strange since I hadn't had any lately.

In May, I also had a couple of crises that got a bit out of control, but overall I'm doing much better. My psychologist said I've progressed 80% since I started going to therapy with him, and I also notice the progress.

Here on planet Earth, things are a bit chaotic. Globally, there are wars and armed conflicts, and I feel powerless to help. Nationally, gangs and mafias do as they please, and the government is led by an incompetent and useless person. And at home, we discovered that my dad was unfaithful to my mom about three weeks ago, which led me to a crisis – I'm still dealing with the shame and guilt as aftereffects of the crisis.

I think that's all for now; I'll try to check in more often.

End of communication.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Other day on planet Earth.

On April 22nd, I have a personal interview for the master's degree, and on April 24th, the admission exam takes place. Please wish me luck.

(Also, wish me luck in finding a job to cover the master's degree fees and move out of my parents' house).

tumblr mutual is becoming a scientific collaborator

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Hello again. These are the news from my corner on planet Earth.

I applied for a job on Thursday, so I've been waiting for a positive response since then. I really need to get a job, especially now that I also applied for a master's degree.

The master's degree I'm applying for is in Hydraulic Engineering with a focus on Water Resources Management. Hydrology was one of my favorite subjects during my degree, and I truly feel that this is where I want to specialize, even if I took the course during one of my depressive episodes and almost failed it. And even now, knowing that I will have more depressive episodes and all I can do is watch out for the symptoms. It's a bit of a mess.

I constantly feel exhausted, and I know it's partly because of the depressive and euphoric and empty and void crises, normal within borderline personality disorder, and partly because of the medication for mixed anxiety-depressive disorder. Another bit of a mess.

In addition to dealing with temperatures above 30 degrees Celsius, which worsens mental illnesses.

I wish I could do something, I wish I could do more activism and get more involved in the community to implement tools that mitigate the climate crisis, but I'm exhausted.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Depression is over or am I repressing myself as usually?

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I hate, I really hate how my brain works.

Everything were fine and just for one f*cking comment, everything is a hell now.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Depression is over (for now). But I still taking antidepressants until next appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm kinda functional adult in this moment.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Ok. Night went to hell.

Can someone change my brain, please?

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

I'm reporting once again from planet Earth.

Today wasn't so bad. I went out to lunch with my sister and her friends and greeted two of my former university professors, my favorite professors specifically.

It's a little strange to me that they consider me an engineer, while to me that title makes me feel like an impostor, especially when I haven't been able to practice my career due to falling into depressive episodes time and time again. It's just a vicious circle. I know that feeling like an impostor is partly normal and partly due to depression and borderline personality disorder, but being aware of it doesn't prevent me from feeling a lump in my throat and a stone in my chest for feeling like an impostor.

I also hurt my middle finger, partly accidentally and partly my fault. I think in the midst of feeling like an impostor, I started scraping the edges of my nail, which ended up causing the skin to come off, so now I have a bandage on.

The day isn't over yet; I just hope the night isn't a hellish one. I'll say goodbye for now, hoping everything is fine wherever you are.

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

I'm reporting from planet Earth, an obvious statement perhaps, but it never hurts to specify.

Things have been a roller coaster in the past few months. Today wasn't particularly tough, but I'll blame any melancholy on the fact that it's Sunday, even if it's about to end.

I embrace people, but I don't feel satisfied. Why? Am I perhaps being too ambitious?

[this-big-field-of-rye-and-all]

Welcome to another space for the wallflowers.

Now then, let me introduce myself: my middle name would be Oliver if changing my name weren't so complicated, so for you all, I'll be Oliver.

I'll soon turn 26 years old, I'm unemployed, and I still live with my parents. I attend therapy and psychiatry sessions, and I've decided to share this because I'd like to meet more people in my situation and have hope that it's possible to build a professional career even with mental disorders.

This will be my place of expiation, somewhat different from my main blog.

Feel free to comment, leave hearts, and share.

Have I decided to create this secondary blog inspired by Alice Oseman's "Radio Silence"? Absolutely.