twicedivorcedby40-blog

[twicedivorcedby40-blog]

Cleaning out my Closet

Damn, I hate myself sometimes.  I am a terrible driver, a distracted driver.  In the past week, I have managed to hit a curb with my car.  And not just hit a curb, but so hard that it actually totaled the car.  Yes, that’s right!  I did more damage than the car is worth.  So, I am now driving my husband’s car.  My husband that is in jail.  And today, I ran off the road so bad that I went down a bank and knocked down an election sign.  I’m lucky that in both those situations, I was alone and unhurt.  But God, for real is trying to tell me something.  

I am clean, for the most part.  An addict in recovery.  I do smoke pot.  It doesn’t count.  I truly believe marijuana is God’s medicine to us.  However, I’m not dealing with anything.  Just running on auto-pilot.  With a full-time job and 3 kids, it’s not hard to avoid dealing.  There’s always something to do or clean or fold.  It’s not gonna fucking cut the mustard though.  If I don’t start to process some of this skewed thinking, I’m going to look back in 20 years with regret for not having grown or changed.  Damn.    

[twicedivorcedby40-blog]

#neveragain 

[twicedivorcedby40-blog]

Going through changes...

Needing a way to process through all the bullshit, I find myself wanting to blog.  I am an avid journal keeper, though like many, my brain goes faster than I can write.  And I can definitely type faster.  

Going through so many changes.  I don’t know who the fuck I am.  Within the last 3 months, I have filed for divorce and entered recovery for opiates!  When in recovery, they tell you not to make any life changes, like changing relationships or jobs, etc.  However, my husband is currently in jail for his 2nd domestic assault in less than a year, so there’s no real option with keeping things the same.  I turned 40 a couple months ago and signed my 2nd set of divorce papers a couple weeks ago.

I find myself being jealous of couples who have stayed married for years and years.  Perhaps that is because my perspective comes from Facebook, where everything is sugarplums and unicorns. I have had 3 relationships, each lasting 7 years each.  The 7 year itch? Perhaps, though I attribute it to attracting toxic people and being open to that toxicity.  

That’s all.  Thanks for letting me share.