unfedtounbound

[unfedtounbound]

Sometimes mental health isn't just about the bad side. Sometimes the good is just as important. My conditions make it hard for me to distiguish love and lust. Am I just Pretending With Love??

I like playing ignorant to the signs. Pretending I don't see what's on your mind. You can't focus when we talk, thinking of my lips on yours. You watch me sing as if a siren has you captivated. I'm sure you want to see what is up my sleeves. You watch me dance with a look of longing. What happens if I give in? Let you come near. Taste your lips on mine. The end result is one I hope for. I want you to be utterly speechless. I want you to be unexplainably hooked. I want you to be chronically obsessed. Ask for me daily. Remind me what it's like to be craved. Make me flustered around others in secret. Make it hard for me to focus. Turn what you have on me and let me experience the true ambition of a man star struck. Give me your time. Or have some of mine. After all, life is fleeting. Might as well enjoy it. Am I pretending? Or do I crave your touch just as much? Do I want you obsessed because I'm already there, or do I just want attention? Maybe we will never know, or tomorrow have all the answers. Until then, I pretend.

[unfedtounbound]

My Father

*This is the entry that made me encouraged to post these.*

How I feel towards my father is complicated. He was my hero and savior before the age of seven, but randomly one day he became the enemy. I held onto faith that he would become my hero again. I tried to ignore the feelings of resentment, anger, disgust, and hatred due to the increasing desire to love him. I had to love him because he is my father. I had to love him because he kept me alive, fed, clothed, in school. Is obligation the correct foundation of a love that barely surfaces without enticement? Is love more than a word?

I can barely remember how long ago it was when I learned that love is an action word not just a feeling. Act. Love. Act on love. He never, in my opinion, acted on love. He did his obligation. He fed me, clothed me, and kept me in school because he had to, and reminded me endlessly of such. He had no other choice for his half-good consciousness. He could have left me with my mother, but he chose to take care of me. After that choice, he did his job, he fathered. A father’s job should be more than just providing and protecting. A father’s job is to love in a way that feeds the child with a feeling of protection and provision. Just saying you are protecting and providing isn't enough. Love is more than those three little words, instead is joy, security, healing, and feeling. My father never seemed able. He only spoke when I spoke, only loved when I loved. I had to ask for hugs, prompt the three words, go out on a limb with food, drinks, art, until I stopped. I gave up. I gave up on loving an- at the time- unlovable man. Now things are changing, he is becoming lovable.

Currently, I have an increasingly difficult time loving him than ever. I’ve only known him as the enemy or as a quiet roommate. I’ve never seen him as a father; he was more like an annoying older brother, which gave me issues. Now he is trying to assume the position of Father. He is trying to reverse the damage and replace it with love, love that feels fake. With hands around my throat, he would say he loves me. I can’t believe the love is existent, just like that. We barely talk. When I asked for a birthday gift, I got questions upon questions, judging me for wanting such things. My new search on the world wide web should be as follows: How to love an unlovable man because he may be becoming lovable again?  

[unfedtounbound]

First Post: Unfed to Unbound

Hello Beauties, my Kings, Queens, Pharaohs and Witches.  

For the sake of bias and privacy, you can call me Teller. I am a Midwest 20-something-year-old woman with BPD, Autism, PTSD, and a combination of eating disorders. Yes, I am aware these are tough subjects for most, but as someone with little to no outlets, I thought sharing my journey online would not only bring me peace of mind but also allow others similar to me to feel… SEEN. As I heal and grow, I hope to help some of you do the same. Some posts will be on trauma, some on eating, and some on how I view the world. I will have recipes, workout routines, positive writing, and more. I will try to post on a regular schedule, but no promises, haha. Stick around, maybe I can “tell” you something relatable.