unwraigddig

[unwraigddig]

It’s been a while since I initially posted. Today I’m angry about well, the system I guess. Mostly the complete and utter lack of support in my country, and ultimately the vicious circle of it.

I have not not had a job since I left school. For those who’s argument is you can’t blame our system etc when America etc doesn’t even have one and women have to pay tens of thousands just to have a bloody baby, never mind if they need treatment because of something that wasn’t even their fault.

But there are people in this country who have not worked a day in their lives, have not contributed to the funds in which the government give to them, much less contributed anything at all to society/the community (with the exception of the absolute clowns who end up doing community service, although I’m not sure a punishment can be accepted as a legitimate contribution).

So why, despite having contributed to this system for over 10 years, is it now failing me when I need it the most? I have so many mental health issues, most of which stem from PTSD. Need therapy for that, especially since CBT doesn’t work for me (too rational, my mind knows I’m okay but my body does not). Tried to get therapy with my company health insurance when I was actually employed (can’t really say working since I spent the last 6 months of my job on and off sick leave), even private, you can’t get a therapist (even online) in Great Britain, never mind Wales, for at least 3/4 months, depending on what you need specifically. So with that in mind, just imagine how absolutely ridiculous the wait is on the mental health system. The main system that my GP uses for therapy and CBT is a local charity known as Mind. You pay £10 a session, £25 if you’re employed, to be treated by a student counsellor… right so why do I pay for the NHS then? Because as a charity, yes they are very helpful with treatment etc in an already overloaded system, but they cannot provide the time that the GP’s and official bodies can to help people get the full help they need. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have anxiety due to being a victim of domestic abuse, and if you’re asking physical, mental etc, the answer is all of them. I had all of the abuses for 6 months of my life, and it left me completely and utterly broken. Although I’m not sure if I feel more broken because it happened, or because of the way my life changed after it happened. My abuser, by the way, is quite happily living his best life on full benefits, although he is working full time cash in hand. Bills paid, flat paid for, grants galore… hold on, wasn’t he the one who did something wrong though?

So, anxiety because of domestic abuse. Not a something I did to myself, or caused myself. I had harm inflicted on me by another person who I was supposed to be able to trust unconditionally. I now suffer with several different mental health issues due to this, and in turn suffer with very physical issues caused by this. PIP decides I can do all the things that they asked me if I could do. I never said I couldn’t do them to be fair, that’s not the issue, the issue is I need constant nagging, prompting among other things because I just won’t do them, or I’ll forget. Sometimes I’m too anxious to move let alone go to the kitchen and make myself food. God knows how many pizzas I’ve burnt to a crisp because I’ve forgotten about them in a state of unpredicted anxiety.

So, ended up having to quit my job due to this, because despite all the crap these big companies spout about mental health and caring and supporting you as an employee, its actually bullshit and a tick box exercise they are required to do by law. They very much will kick you out the door as fast as they can, because they don’t want to help, they don’t know enough to want to help either. Brutal.

So yeah, quit my job after 6 months due to the ongoing anxiety, and after having multiple people who were supposed to help me fail me. If I’d had got the help I needed when I needed it, I would not be in the situation I am in now, as I’d have probably got better 10 x faster and not got myself into masses of debt due to substitutive satisfactions.

Can’t get PIP, apparently even though they ask if you need prompting etc, it doesn’t really matter if you can physically do it. So whoopsie if I forget to eat for 3 days because my mind isn’t healthy enough to make me a meal, but my body is.

UC? Ah yes, but probably about to have the fight of my life over that because I’ve applied for full time education (Social Sciences, funny that. So I can help people like me, when they need it, and hopefully they won’t end up like me then.) to get into a job to help a system that failed me so it does not fail others so drastically, because even though UC themselves has declared me unfit for work… PIP hasn’t and neither has anyone else, so I can’t really be that ill. Or, perhaps it is because I am ill that I also cannot fight for things I’m entitled to, because even though the government says you can have them, they don’t want to give it to you. Easier to get a politician to cut off an arm I reckon, or get blood out of a stone, whichever tickles your fancy.

But yes, back to education because my life has been ruined by someone who undeservedly gets all the help under the sun. It’s the fact he has priors, had only come off probation like a month before I put in my case, had already literally JUST been through all the court mandated therapies… but he still gets let off with probation, community service, and yet again, the same court mandated therapies that have already clearly not worked.

Trying to get back into education because I essentially need to restart my life, because I feel everything in my old life he touched has been ruined with unpleasant memories. I’m not sitting here on my ass feeling sorry for myself, I have tried allllllll the self help techniques under the sun. Partially, I think I was too far gone before they were taught to me. So I’m also partially going into education to help myself, and then help others. Let me tell you now, there are not very many people in this world whom I’d wish what has happened to my life in the last 18 months upon. The only godsend is my current boyfriend (soulmate to be honest, that’s another story and I’m not bigging it up either. When you know you know, if you don’t and you’re unhappy, get rid.), and having moved in with my best friend into a 2 bed house. But, my worsening financial situation is causing issues there also, partially because my bestie had a really rough start into her adult life, had to drop out of uni to prioritise family, and is now in a position to educate herself into a career that she put on hold to help someone else. She also won’t get help, despite only working 3 days a week, and quite literally being turfed out on her ass at age 18ish because her mother passed away and she wasn’t entitled to any housing benefits, UC wasn’t a thing then, and she was working so couldn’t claim JSA. Literally turfed out on the street 2 weeks after her mum died because she was young and working, and the young and working don’t have problems like the middle aged and working. We absolutely do not pay the exact same costs as a 35yo living in the same situation as us, but that’s mostly because the 35yo would have all the help in the world, but the 21-35yo doesn’t need it according to the government. Instead we’re forced into poverty because of the politician’s ludicrous decision and ideals, (that absolutely has not been made due to their own life experiences let me tell you!), that we somehow, even as younger adults with potentially lesser life experience, let alone lesser time to get our shit together, are underserving of assistance, and only deserve half of which a 35yo would get in the same situation. A 35yo living in a house share would have the full rent paid, however a 21-35yo in a house share gets the local housing shared accommodation rate (which for me is 280, my half of the rent is 412.50). The only difference between the two situations is literally age. Why, because we are younger, are we any less deserving of help? I’ve contributed more to the government through working than half of the 35yo’s in my area. Most of them in my area on benefits at that age are generally alcoholics, druggies or people who made extremely poor decisions in their twenties… Vicious cycle at work again. Instead of helping those in their twenties who are asking for it, we instead punish them by telling them they’re undeserving, or only half deserving. We don’t give them the help they need, so they then become one of the 35yo’s I’ve described, making poor decisions in their twenties out of desperation.

The very system that is there to help us, is also the one that puts us in the position of needing help.

[unwraigddig]

I just want to be ok,

Not feel this rising panic,

Not need to take these pills.

I just want to be ok,

Not at war with my mind and body,

Not wanting to be killed.

I just want to be ok,

Not sit in the bitter silence,

Not wallow in my pain.

I just want to be ok,

Not wonder if I will be,

Not wish everything didn’t change.

I just want to be ok…

So I’ll push down on the rising panic,

I’ll continue to take my pills.

I just want to be okay,

I’ll fight until the war is done,

I’ll win and I’ll be thrilled.

I just want to be ok,

I’ll fill the bitter silence,

I’ll strengthen with my pain.

I just want to be ok,

I know someday I will be,

I know things had to to change.

[unwraigddig]

I don’t really know where to start here. Why I’m here and why I’m writing would be a good start.

T/W⚠️ Domestic abuse, anxiety, depression.

So, like I said, I’ll start with the why. My troubles started because of one single man, and I am now fuelled by a wish driven by every molecule of my being that I were to have never met.

November 2021 I began a new relationship, we caught fire, and then it very quickly turned into my worst nightmare. The man I had “fallen” for was one of the most manipulative, narcissistic, volatile men I had ever met in my entire life. Over my 6 month relationship with him, I was the victim of his constant mental, physical & sexual abuse.

Nothing more than a toy, a plaything. Someone to unleash his frustration and anger on, bleed dry financially… and mentally.

I know now that the frustration and anger were mostly from his own self hatred. He could not accept the consequences to his previous actions.

I had thought initially that there had been only one other… how stupid of me, there had been multiple… Ranging all the way back to 2009/2010, that’s 12-13 years ago.

I can’t believe looking back now how naive I was to his sadistic nature. The man’s features reminded me of that I would expect to see a devil posing as a human wearing in a TV drama. So many red flags, and like a bull I went through them. I wish I had paid more attention, I wish I hadn’t been so desperate for the need of love and attention. I wish I hadn’t had let him in to build me up, and constantly bring me crashing down constantly.

The why I’m writing is fairly simple. I need somewhere, anywhere, to get these thoughts out of my brain. I know that there is a share of blame in my story with my name written all over it. Though, the question I am constantly at war with myself answering is, Can I truly, truly be in anyway to blame for the actions of which were inflicted on me? Or should I shoulder my weight of the blame, knowing I should have been wiser, less reckless, more honest with myself?

I know I hold the answers to my questions, but I cannot truly answer them for myself right now.

But that the whys done really. I think that’s me done for the night also. It’s 12.22am, I should go to sleep soon. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get to the beginning, which is not where you would think it begins.

Nos da, darllenwyr.

- Un Wraig Ddig 🤬 🫶🏼x