vexviritas

[vexviritas]

i feel like im dying

im afriad if i fall asleep I die

[vexviritas]

this shit is between me and god (and probably my therapist)

my covid symptoms.

I cant handle the thought of actually outright telling anyone but writing it on here has some degree of separation behind it. Ive also been disociating so much Its hard to keep track of whats me anymore.

I dont know how many days its been. Maybe 3 or 5? Kinley probably brought it home with work because OUR STUPID FUCKING GOVERNMENT DOSNT CARE IF PEOPLE DIE FUCK GODAMN STUPID im fine okay this is stream of consiousness because I know id edit this all to hell otherwise so SUCK SHIT future me have fun wading through MY SHIT

So im a little sniffly. Which i dont mind but I fear my snot like death. Hearing other people sniffle makes me want to curl up and die. My own isnt so bad but its prefered to actually blowing my nose. I wish i stocked up on more hand sanitizer but im also kinda happy i have to ration this bit i have for when im outside my room  or else id be using it all the time and my hands would dry out faster than the LA river.

Ive got food stored in here. Mostly rice cakes and nutrigrain bars. Ive also got zinc and vitc tablets but I think im shitting them out faster than my body can process it. Marsha says its what her paitents are taking so that +500mg acetomenophen has me INCREDIBLY ACHY ALL THE TIME. I feel like those victorian girls in paintings splayed tits akimbo across a recliner but im in a gaming chair with my nintendo switch and a squishmellow.

my lungs always hurt because im a chronic smoker with severe GAD covids got NOTHIN in these breathing techniques.

ive decided i cant let Do/nald Tru/mp outlive me. I cant let him win. 

[vexviritas]

laufey told me to journal in order to put my thoughts in order by journaling and like i have covid and it makes me feel like a zombie whos is still consious but if you got to close I would kill you 

im doing everything to keep Ara safe I dont want him getting this please god I dont want him to die

[vexviritas]

i got covid i want to dieeee i want to kill myself i want to die. I want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die I want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die  i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want tto die i want to die i want to di e 

really considering slashing my fucking arteries open and bleeding all over the carpet have been all day it wouldnt be hard just crack a razor and get to slashing it would feeeeelll ssssssooooooo good having that rush of endorphins spilling from my body onto the carpet. I keep fantasizing about all the warm red blood I want it out of my body then maybe ill feel clean again

[vexviritas]

I've come to learn that my brains preferred way of categorizing and storing data is via the analogy of a videogame. Perhaps growing up playing them since before I could read has somehow recontextualized how I approach life and it’s 

i feel very unalive right now. I wonder how long I've felt like this and if this is where the perverse fascination with characters breaking the forth wall and being aware theyre in a game comes from...

[vexviritas]

if i could go two days without crying itd be a fucking miracle

im feeling so fucking useless, stupid fucking piece of shit cant even kill herself because itd hurt people

i hope i get cancer and by the time its diagnosed its too late

i hate myself and everything i do 

ive done nothing                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

i want this body to die

[vexviritas]

all im good for is being horny and i cant even do my fucking commissions because im an idiot god i hate myself I want to die

[vexviritas]

You know your mental health is bad when hearing Dancing Queen by ABBA makes you cry

[vexviritas]

happy thanks giving i dropped all the food we ordered then had to use my asl to tell the man we were cool with eating it because were trash goblins 

and my neighbors invited us to get a plate because she saw it happen and ive never been so sad and anxious and happy at the same time. It wasnt even the ruining the food that got me it was the kindness im so fucking mad i dont deserve this I want to die how fucking dare you remind me theres hope in this world.

[vexviritas]

please please please please unfollow me if youre a minor

[vexviritas]

my moods been all over the place ill cry at the drop of a hat. i spent all day bawling and I cant even remember why

and im so disgusted because a minor followed my porn blog like you clearly cannot read ok please stop making me feel like a freak. you liking my content makes me want to die. like, seriously, its not a compliment. it makes my skin crawl. i couldnt hit the block button fast enough.

[vexviritas]

When I was younger my mom used to tell me before she left for months at a time that she would “see me in the night sky.”

I think I ended up developing special interesting stars and astronomy as a way to cope with her leaving. I dont have many strong familial connections besides my dad. My sister and I have a strained relationship due to my anger outbursts as a child. I was warned to stay away from my extended family. I cant even talk to my mom because she reminds me so much of everything I hate about myself.

When I look up at the sky, I feel this sense of peace and comfort, like looking at an old family picture. Like, for the first time in my like, I can look at my family of constellations and think yes, I came from that. 

[vexviritas]

lungs hurt

[vexviritas]

real talk i played AA:TaT when i was like 13 and I think Da/hlia Ha/wthorne singlehandedly defined my attraction to women

I just want a pretty woman to make fun of me.

[vexviritas]

Why the brain focus now???? What terrible fate awaits.

[vexviritas]

on a more positive note ive started naming the various voices in my head..... so in other news ive been making characters so long Im composed of them.

[vexviritas]

Me: after 2 months finally calls a therapist after one lucid anxiety free moment

Them: out to lunch

Me: this is a sign i should just kms