watchingeverysebastianstanfilm

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

The Falcon & the Winter Soldier: Episode 4 (2021)

In this installment of Buddy Cop: Marvel Edition, Ayo therapizes Bucky through his codewords, one of which is benign. But if I had to guess, I’d say Bucky was packin’ more like benign and a half. That’s serum life, baby. Also, SebStan says ‘titi,’ Sam says ‘titi,’ Zemo says ‘titi,’ everyone says ‘titi’ way too much.

This episode is balls to the fuckin’ wall, there is so much to unpack here and I think I am officially an MCU zealot now because oh, the fanfic I will write.

We’re gonna skip the scene of Bucky and Ayo’s romantic fireside deprogramming for now, since I will be bringing that up later. Instead, let’s focus on how Ayo is very unimpressed they broke Zemo out, and there is a tense moment where Bucky speaks Wakandan, Ayo calls him White Wolf, and I very much want to be in that sandwich.

They seek out Flag Smashers Queen aka Ginger Terrorist in a weirdly fancy house that has seemingly fallen into disrepair. Zemo sings Baa Baa Black Sheep and lures children in with Turkish delight like a creepy ass Narnia character, then swears them all to secrecy, just like a pedo would. He’s obviously up to no good. Something that is reinforced later when the line ‘the end justifies the means’ is bandied about, so apparently Machievelli is gonna be a running theme.

Unfortunately, Captain American’t shows up and has a tantrum in the middle of the street. He does not want to be patronized. He is also impatient and ruins Sam’s Steve Rogers-esque moment where he gets through to Ginger Terrorist via empathy and compassion. Walker’s interruption causes a whole mess where Zemo smashes almost all of the super soldier serum that Ginger Terrorist drops in her escape - I say almost all, since American’t finds the only remaining one and pops a stiffy over it after giving Zemo possibly the worst concussion of all time since you know vibranium hits different.

But the action isn’t over! Not even close! The Dora Milaje, Wakanda’s sweet-ass warrior squad, are here to collect Zemo, and they also don’t wanna hear Walker’s bullshit. SebStan tussles with Ayo and oh my god I want them to kiss but WAIT - AYO TOOK HIS ARM OFF. AYO TOOK HIS ARM OFF. SHE TOOK. HIS ARM OFF.

(It’s cool, he puts it back on, guys.)

Anyway. Ginger Terrorist calls Sam’s sister to threaten her family, and Falcon is not happy. Things rapidly collapse from here as a rendezvous between the two of them - Ginger Terrorist and Sam - goes wrong, and American’t shows up. And surprise! He took the serum for presumably all the wrong reasons and now his partner, Lamar Hoskins, is dead. So he uses the shield to bludgeon a lesser Flag Smasher to death in a rage, a moment this is for sure gonna go viral. Gross. (The image of the blood on the shield is pretty sick, though.)

Sidenote: “and then we kill Captain America” is a sentence I never thought I’d be relieved to hear but damn if it doesn’t give me a lil thrill.

Sebacting: 191804/10

Bucky sits near a campfire while he cries and he looks up at Ayo with the most desperate, hopeful, disbelieving expression ever, before beginning to weep gently. She is freeing him from the mental prison that is the Winter Soldier. Hair falls in his face. The flickering fire carves flattering hollows in his cheeks. His cheeks are damp. I am damp. It is a scene that is seared into my brain for eternity. “

You are free,” Ayo says, and Bucky holds his hand to his mouth, eyes reddened and glassy, and dares to smile through his tears. Here, my heart explodes. Here, it is Oscar-worthy. Here, I short-circuit and ascend.

Sebstan Presence: 7/10

Too much American’t, not enough Daddy Buck. Gimme more.

Is it worth it? God, so much. Latest ao3 search: ‘punch me in the mouth with your metal arm Bucky’

Final: 9/10 Sebstans 

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Are you going to be watching plays too? Idk if I can find all of them, but one of them "The Picnic" is on YouTube👀

I have amazing news for you, depending on how you measure amazing... I’ve already done it. #aheadofthegame #sebstan #wintersoldiersnipple

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Oh please for the love of god let’s watch The Bronze together.

The Bronze is the most requested movie for this project and yet here I sit, uninitiated. Do y’all really think I’m ready for it? This gif alone has made me inordinately sweaty. Please weigh in.

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

The Falcon & the Winter Soldier: Episode 3 (2021)

You’ve seen SebStan as the Winter Soldier. Now, it’s time for SebStan as Pretend Winter Soldier: Neon Lights in Madripoor edition. He deals in hypotheticals, he impales a woman, and he won’t move his seat up. Most of all, he’s back to violence and there’s not a dry pair of panties in the house.

Things are rapidly coming unraveled for Bucky and Bird Boy, especially when Bucky takes it upon himself to free his old enemy, Zemo, from prison without asking Sam for permission. Oop. 

There’s a very tense, very sexy moment where Zemo recites the Winter Soldier’s trigger words. However, instead of triggering Bucky into Murder, it instead triggered me into ovulation - better luck next time, Z. 

We also get Captain American’t screaming DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM at a person which is very on the nose and further solidifies him as unfortunate. Plus, Sharon Carter is a kickass fugivite who throws top-tier parties and has the highest kill count of the episode, all of which she racked up covering Bucky and Sam’s asses. Zemo is unsurprisingly a sneaky little shit and there is no way this is going to end well. 

However, he does facilitate my next two weeks’ worth of bathtub fantasies when he promises a woman re. Bucky as Fake Winter Soldier that he’ll “give her him, and the codewords to control him, of course. He will do anything you want.” ... Sir.

And then, of course, there’s the end of the episode, which sees Bucky face to face with Ayo - this may mean we finally get that glimpse into what life was like for J. Bucky Barnes when he was chillin’ in Wakanda.

Sebacting: 9/10

Honestly, his clench-jaw glaring as Zemo recites the trigger words was just about everything I’ve ever needed, to the point where I’m pretty sure it made me immune to COVID. He  does a very good job of pretending to be Bucky pretending to be the Winter Soldier; you can read in his tortured expression that he is suffering through wearing the mask of the murderer he’s trying to leave behind, especially with Zemo pulling his strings along the way. Also... Bucky fight scenes, yes always thank you Marvel gods. (So... Disney.)

Sebstan presence: 9/10

I am so grateful for this series. It’s basically all SebStan, all the time. 

Is it worth it? Yes. Yes yes yes. Latest Google search: ‘sharon bucky fanfic rated E’

Final: 9/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

The Falcon & Winter Soldier: Episode 2 (2021)

Sebastian Stan read the Hobbit when it first came out and he will not call John Walker Cap, not even if there’s a fire. Also, he and Sam go to couples’ counseling because this entire series is just one fanfic trope after the other and I have never felt more alive.

In this installment of my new favorite softcore porn, Bucky and Sam team up to take on the worst-named villain outfit ever, the Flag Smashers, and get their asses handed to them because surprise, the world is full of super soldiers! They also have a homoerotic staring contest in a prison interrogation room and they quite literally tumblr together through a field of wildflowers. I mean.

This episode really does pick up, though, and I’m pretty hooked now. 

We get some more insight into new-Cap, who’s irritating but earnest, though it was a no from me when he referred to Bucky as ‘Bucky.’ Sir, that is James or Sergeant Barnes to you, White Wolf if you’re in the know.

Bucky and Sam team up together to fight some crime but they predictably wind up bickering and hijinks ensue, ultimately leading to Bucky getting arrested for missing therapy. Tbh, I wish someone would arrest me when I miss therapy, then maybe I’d be emotionally stable by now.

This episode also introduces nuanced conversations of racism in a very artful, well-written way thanks to the introduction of a black super soldier, Isaiah, and the setting of a Baltimore neighborhood where Sam is stopped by police for the problematic crime of ‘emoting while black.’

Bucky’s arrest leads to Sam and Buck having a breakthrough moment in therapy where Bucky reveals some of the reasoning behind his resentment of Sam - specifically, how Sam rejected the Captain America mantel, and if Steve was wrong about Sam, it could mean Steve was wrong about Bucky. Break my goddamn heart, Buck.

Sebacting: 9/10

I am now firmly on board with all Sam/Bucky scenes since when presented with his character’s personal antagonist, Sebastian Stan gives us some excellent performances. His comedy chops are criminally underrated and underutilized but he gets to shine here, swapping barbs with Falcon as quickly as he reverts back to tortured & misunderstood Romanian treasure. I wanna smooch him.

Sebstan Presence: 9/10

For once, I am just about satisfied with the amount of Sebastian Stan in a show or movie, though I am finally beginning to understand that nothing short of a full 90-minute feature of Sebastian Stan existing will earn a 10/10 from me.

Is it worth it?  Yes. I may stop doing this part every episode and just do an ‘is it worth it’ at the end of the entire season but... I have a feeling I know what the answer is gonna be. Latest Google searches: ‘why super soldier mad’

Final: 8/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

The Falcon & Winter Soldier: Episode 1 (2021)

You ask, I provide - we’re gonna watch every damn episode of this obscenely high-budget series and dissect the Sebstan of it all in the least academic way possible.

In the first episode of this buddy-cop bromance, Bucky Barnes is back and he didn’t have a nightmare so quit asking him about it. (He did.) He also aggressively takes notes, goes on a date with a woman who isn’t me so honestly who cares, and is tortured over his past mistakes - god, that’s the good stuff.

I’m gonna level with y’all and say off the bat that I am not informed enough to be speaking about anything in the MCU on this granular of a level, but it’s 2021 and nothing matters anymore so let’s go. Bucky is back and he’s dealing with his feelings, specifically about a century’s worth of trauma after being used as a murderous weapon against his will. He’s busy making amends that include terrorizing people in cars and befriending sassy old men who’s sons he murdered as well as disdaining Sam Wilson for... lots.

We also get to see him in a therapy session which is as arousing as it is heartbreaking, since he does a lot of jaw-muscle-twitching and moodily glaring, two of his best hard skills. A lot of other stuff goes on, too, like Sam facing off against an evil organization called the Flag Smashers - I know, dude, I know - and a new Captain America taking up the mantle. New-Cap looks like a weaselier Bo Burnham but I guess that’s what happens when you cross Kurt Russell with Goldie Hawn.

Most relevant to Bucky’s storyline, however, is that Bucky has a list of names he’s working through crossing off - bad guys to take down and people he needs to pay emotional reparations to. On the latter list should be my name, since it has been approximately 7 years of him breaking my heart and he is showing no signs of stopping.

Sebacting: 8/10

This is what we deserve. Bucky SebStan is always quality SebStan.

Sebstan Presence: 8/10

Finally!! He’s a titular character!! He is on screen often and it is glorious! It’s a lot of Sam in the first half but hang with me - second half is a lotta Buck, a lotta the time. It still isn’t as much Sebastian as I would’ve liked, but I’m hanging in there. It’s a lot, and I am grateful.

Is it worth it?

So far? Yes. I’m buckled in and cannot wait to pause it every fifteen minutes for the next 8-10 weeks googling shit like ‘where did Hydra go’ and ‘how long was Blip for’ and ‘Sebastian Stan winter soldier nipple’. 

Final: 7/10 SebStans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Logan Lucky (2017)

Sebastian Stan is racecar driver Dayton White who loves racing and using a lot of weird computer metaphors to describe his eating habits. He speaks softly, does yoga, and makes me furious that it is the year of our Lord 2021 and we still haven’t knocked boots.

This movie is all about Channing Tatum being an amazing dad while some other stuff happens in the background (including Sebastian Stan referring to food as ‘software’). Adam Driver is missing a hand, Daniel Craig has a bleached buzzcut and eats vending machine boiled eggs, and we’re all supposed to believe that somehow Roy from The Office pulled Katie Holmes. 

There’s also a really well-written heist and a ton of surprisingly non-awful Southern accents with the exception of Adam Driver who does his best and, as always, makes me damp. Adam Driver and Channing Tatum’s in-movie sister wears a lot of crochet tops and is a badass feminist icon. Unfortunately, Seth Macfarlane is also present.

Sebacting: 7/10

Once again, he deserves higher because we all know what he can do, but there is hardly a chance for range. We do get a shot of him all sweaty and bare-armed on what may have been a Bowflex, idk, I don’t go to the gym, and he looks bashful and cute as he follows D.A.R.E. guidelines and tries to say no to alcohol. Honestly, I’m so starved for Sebstan content these days that the faint pop of his dimple was enough for me.

Sebstan Presence: 2/10

The first time we see Sebastian Stan in this movie, it’s as a cardboard cutout in the gas station convenience store that Adam Driver has just driven his car into and honestly, that sets the tone for Sebstan’s presence as a whole. He has been relegated to tertiary character in this film which is a damn shame because it was a rare moment where he was playing a non-douche supporting character and I needed more slow sweeps of lashes over earnest baby blues. Also, I would’ve loved to see Dayton White, Racecar Driver riffing with Adam Driver’s slow-speaking southern vet. Missed opportunity, Hollywood.

Is it worth it?

For Sebastian sighting? Probably not unless you’re next-level obsessed, but the movie is fun and the acting is good and Sebastian Stan does live out my dream of shouting “shut your piehole before I shut it for you” at Seth Macfarlane so that’s not nothing. I personally love heartwarming father-daughter moments due to my own crippling daddy issues so Channing Tatum’s daughter singing John Denver to him in front of an audience patched up some leaky parts of my heart. It’s a good movie.

 Final: 6.5/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Can you do logan lucky?

I’m on it.

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

jhEEZ this is phenomenal writing I truly hope you run the world someday

You and me both, SebStan can be my queen. And thank you, I love you ❤️

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Bonus Broadway Watch: The Picnic (2013)

I’ll be frank, I’m not a Broadway person. But I am a shirtless Sebstan person, so watching this poorly-filmed bootleg copy of a Broadway show was almost worth it.

I had some trouble following since it was filmed on someone’s iPhone, but I’m pretty sure the plot is ‘we’re all horny for Sebstan.’ Which, same. We get to watch Sebstan strip down to just his jeans, be all sweaty beneath stage lighting, and do lots of seemingly random manual labor. It’s a gift. I think if I’d seen this in person, I’d finally understand Theatre. Also, Maggie Grace drops some Deep Wisdom when she lets us know being really, really pretty is actually really, really hard, okay?!

Sebacting: 5/10

I’ll say it again: I DONT UNDERSTAND THEATER. Like, I get it, but it seems like a hallmark of a good play is overacting. Is this because it’s a small space and they’re far away? Is it because it’s live and in the moment? Someone explain, because Sebstan, a star actor, seemed excessively cheesy. ... But maybe that’s the whole point?!

Sebstan Presence: 6/10

He’s only around maybe half the time but when he is around, he’s in some state of either dishevelment or undress. And for all you fellow thirsty Stan stans, it’s quality stuff. He’s always a little sweaty which, yes, and his hair is extra shaggy and rakish. He yummy.

 Is it worth it?

Unless you just really love shakily recorded Broadway plays, don’t watch the entire thing. Search for ‘Sebastian Stan Picnic’ on Youtube and take your pick of highlights videos, where you can watch him strip without the two-hour commitment of listening to fabricated teen angst.

Final: 5/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

YEAH WE FUCKIN KNOW.

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Wassup, Seb's broadway play The Picnic is on youtube, im waiting on that review.. Fair warning, I'm still crying

Game. Fucking. On. Wipe your tears in my skirts, mon petit chou. It’s time to thirst over Sebstan’s aaaaaaabs.

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

I laughed out loud for the first time in a long time my dude you've really done it fucking hilarious and soo accurate. Think im in love with you now as well as Sebby

Welcome my new son/daughter/other. This is your safespace now. I love you. Wash behind your ears. Xoxo Mom

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

This is the politely pained expression I like to imagine Sebstan would wear if he ever read this trashheap of a blog.

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

I, Tonya (2017)

Sebastian Stan is Jeff Gillooly, ex-husband to infamous figure skater Tonya Harding. He is unstable, pathetic, and violent - all while sporting a truly egregious ‘stache. His chin dimple is out in full goddamn force.

This biopic takes ‘unreliable narrator’ to a whole new level by treating us to a schizophrenic view of the Tonya Harding story.  There’s Farrah Fawcett hair, Sebastian Stan with pink tulle, and just... so many turtlenecks. 

Margot Robbie screams ‘suck my dick’ and Sebastian Stan goes on the World’s Pettiest Roadtrip to scream ‘no, fuck YOU!’ at his estranged wife across a busy ice rink. You know, just couple stuff.

Sebacting: 8/10

The fact that Sebastian Stan is able to make himself utterly unfuckable for the majority of this movie is a true testament to his acting. He whines, he screams, he whimpers, he cries - all while vacillating between two different bastardizations of facial hair. I genuinely wanted to smack him upside his beautifully-cheekboned head so many times.

Sebstan Presence: 8/10

He’s EVERYWHERE and he’s THE WORST! And yet somehow, I still loved him. 

He plays the titular character’s husband so you get heavy doses of him, including shots of him flinging Margot Robbie into walls and furniture and waving around a gun. I want to be very clear in saying I do not condone violence, especially against women, but any time I get to see Sebastian Stan playacting at rage, I am frickin’ there.

There’s also a gratuitous forearm shot pretty early in on the film consisting of Sebstan in a t-shirt working beneath the hood of a car. His forearms are at Peak Performance, all veiny and streaked in oil. I don’t think I need to go on.

Also, you see his butt. ... For only like a second, but that’s what the 'pause’ function is for.

Is It Worth It?

Yes. No. ... Kind of. If you want a Sebstan movie you can watch with your hand down your pants, this is not the one for you. But if you wanna watch a well-made, interesting movie with equal parts heart, wit, and brilliant acting, then hell yes. Margot Robbie is a star-shaped gem and Allison Janney is brilliant. Also, figure skating is cool to watch.

Final: 7/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

Bonus TV Show Watch: Kings (2009)

Sebastian Stan is a prince which means that he is not only an utter douchecanoe, but a royal one. He wants the crown all to himself and is pissy that his dad’s new fake son is inadvertently usurping it. Sometimes he cries.

In this poorly written and uninspired television drama, show writers take the biblical tale of David and Goliath and hammer it into the goddamned ground. It is a hypothetical universe in which there is a modern-day monarchy, and the ‘countries’ all have stupid monosyllabic names. The king is a two dimensional comic book villain, the daughter looks like she’s twelve but should realistically be forty for all she’s accomplished, and the attempted religious symbolism is so hamfisted and rudimentary that it makes me angry. Fuck.

Sebacting: 6/10

It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault.

That is what I had to tell myself as I watched Sebastian Stan brood in corners, glare menacingly, and do that cheek-muscle-jump thing that I used to so love in every single scene. His acting must be great, because I genuinely did want to punch his whiny, beautiful face at some points. Fuck.

Sebstan Presence: 7/10

Notable appearances include a violent interrogation scene where he’s trussed up in green combat gear and pistol-whips some guy, a tearful declaration of love to his gay lover, and lots of shots of him strolling about haughtily in a military uniform. So yes, he’s in it a lot, but at what cost?

There is also a scene where, in an act of flagrant adult brattiness towards his father the King, he tries to gift everyone gold watches and brand new cars with his credit card that is linked to the national treasury (because that’s how governments work). His card is declined and he must leave, shamefaced, from the store where the sales staff are apparently also hookers.

Is It Worth It?

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

I could write a full dissertation on why this show is so offensive to anyone with a properly functioning brain. The characters are flat and lazy, the writing is downright stupid, the Sebstan is underutilized, the plot is nonexistent, and at one point they introduce this weird supernatural subplot and then just never explain it. Seriously, they just don’t address it again. Or maybe they did, but I couldn’t make it to the last episode because it was too fucking terrible.

Your time is more valuable than this. Anything you would be interested in seeing from this godawful vomit of a series can be found here, on tumblr, in gif form. God bless the internet, and to the creators and writers of this show, may God have mercy on your souls.

Final: 1/10 Sebstans

[watchingeverysebastianstanfilm]

I am not done here. I still have 5 projects left but this one in particular is just. Killing me.