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writing-with-my-teeth · 1 year ago

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Capeless Crusaders Against Lex Luthor

Summary: Lex Luthor's Public Enemy #1 has always been Superman. He never thought that Bruce Wayne and his gaggle of misfit children could be worse.

This story features Bruce, Dick, Steph, Damian, and a bonus Red Hood. Let me know if anyone wants a part 2 with Tim, Duke, Babs, and Cass.

Word count: 3k

Potential TW: I tried to pick the most cartoonishly evil thing that Lex could support, so this fic does mention the activity of dwarf tossing.

Another day, another gala.

Lex's lip curled. He hid it behind the lip of the champagne glass in his hand.

You know, he was just thinking that he might actually enjoy the night. Galas were such tedious affairs, but half of the attendees tonight were Lex's business partners. The other half were old school friends.

Unfortunately, anyone that had gone to school with Lex and Oliver Queen—the host of tonight's party—had also gone to school with Bruce Wayne, and his unfortunate yacht accident two weeks ago hadn't stopped him from attending, though Lex had desperately hoped it would. Of course, the moment he waltzed into the room, a good hour and a half late and already heavily intoxicated, by the looks of him, Lex lost the spotlight.

Nevertheless, the night was salvageable. There were no media vultures in attendance. The only reporter on the list was that mild-mannered Daily Planet employee. Lex didn't remember his name (Connor O'Connell, maybe?) but he did remember the scathing cost-benefit analysis of Superman that he'd written three months ago.

Lex would be delighted to pick his brain more on his thoughts about Superman.

Unfortunately, as soon as he waved the man over, a tremendous splash sounded across the room. The reporter's head whipped around, nearly losing his thick-rimmed spectacles in the process.

Lex closed his eyes and counted to ten for patience.

Bruce Wayne was—yes, he was in the fountain.

It was hard to tell whether he was swimming or drowning.

Lex hoped it was the latter. Unfortunately, the sentiment wasn't a common one. Old Mrs. Crawer pretended to faint into her young bodyguard's arms (she did that at least once per gala) and Jack Drake went so far as to shout for someone to help. A couple people nodded their heads, looking sufficiently concerned, but nobody seemed invested in ruining their clothes by jumping in after Wayne.

It was the reporter that stepped up. He folded his notebook and pen in the jacket of his suit, handed it off to the nearest waiter, and stepped up to the lip of the fountain. Loudly, he said, "Mr. Wayne, are you okay?"

Wayne's head popped out of the water. He slicked his hair back to the admiring gasps of unsatisfied society ladies and whispered something to the reporter that made him shake his head. Then, louder, he announced, "Felt a little stuffy in here. Thought I'd shake things up." His voice was slurred and his eyes bright. He was so intoxicated. Lex could hardly wait for the reporter to flame him in the papers tomorrow.

"I'm surprised he's so eager to get into the water considering his recent yacht debacle," Lex sniffed, but nobody heard the cutting remark.

It was Oliver Queen that finally cajoled Wayne out of the fountain with the promise of more shrimp and cocktails. The man staggered sopping wet around the ballroom, laughing about his own stupidity and using the reporter as a support whenever he stumbled. If he wasn't the center of attention before, he certainly was now, with the soaking wet see-through white dress shirt clinging to every curve of muscle on his body. Why, exactly, did Bruce Wayne feel the need to bodybuild when he sat in an office all day? Lex would never understand the foolish rich.

"Brucie," Lex said when the pair stumbled within earshot. "Why don't you give Caden a break and sit down?"

"Who?"

Lex forced a laugh and the reporter joined in after a pause. Fine. If Wayne wouldn't let the reporter go, then he would conduct his business while ignoring the man. He did that enough during board meetings with Wayne Enterprises, after all.

The next morning, Lex stared at the newspaper in disbelief. Wayne's dip in the fountain was splashed—literally—all over the front page, and his stilted conversation with the reporter had barely made page 3, hardly bigger than a footnote.

Fucking Wayne.

---

"License and registration, please!" the disgustingly cheery cop all but sang. It was four in the morning, but he was practically beaming. And he was beaming his flashlight directly into Lex's eyes. He couldn't see anything around it.

"What seems to be the problem, officer?" Lex asked, handing the papers over.

"Suspicious behavior," replied the cop. "Mr. Luthor, what are you doing in Blüdhaven at four a.m.?"

"What suspicious behavior?" Lex questioned.

The officer lowered his flashlight, but its dark shadow was seared into Lex's vision right where the cop's face should be. "Mr. Lauren, are you avoiding the question?"

"It's Luthor, actually, and no, of course not," Lex sighed, rubbing his face. He was exhausted. "I was on a business trip. Our meeting ended late. Now, what suspicious behavior are you talking about? I used my turn signal before switching lanes, I've been within five miles of the speed limit the entire drive, and as far as I'm aware, there's no driving curfew in Blüdhaven."

"Yes," said the officer. From what Lex could see of his features, he was frowning. "All of that is extremely suspicious behavior in Blüdhaven. Besides, you're driving a Luthor Cybertruck, which suggests you suffer from lapses of temporary insanity. Do you consent to a quick search of your vehicle?"

"Not without a warrant," Lex sighed. "Look, officer, I'm from Central City. Us citizens follow the law there. I can assure you, I just want to go home."

The officer hesitated. Lex considered bribing him, but couldn't tell if the man had a bodycam on.

"Well, all right," said the officer finally. "I'll let you go with a warning."

"Thank you, officer," Lex said. "Thank you for keeping your city safe."

"All in a night's work!" the officer said cheerfully. "Have a good one, Mr. Lantern."

"Luthor," Lex grumbled, but the officer was already ambling away, whistling cheerfully. "Lapses of temporary insanity?" That officer was the one whistling at four a.m. Luthor Cybertrucks were pinnacles of human technological innovation!

Twenty minutes later, another cop pulled him over. Lex had his papers in hand by the time the officer said, "License and registration, please!"

It was the same idiot cop from before. Lex closed his eyes and said, "Really?"

"Excuse me?"

"You just pulled me over. Nothing about my driving has changed since then."

"Did I?" the officer mused. "I'm not sure if I recall."

"I can assure you that you did," Lex said through gritted teeth. "I can assure you, Officer—" He squinted at the man's name badge— "Grayson, I just want to return to my home in Central City."

"I'll let you off with a warning," said Officer Grayson. "Don't let it happen again, okay?"

Lex had the sinking feeling that it would happen again, and he was right. He figured it out by the next time the officer pulled him over: Grayson was the name of Bruce Wayne's first adoptee, the circus one. Apparently, idiocy was inheritable through adoption.

This time, Officer Grayson tripped on his way to Lex's window, and Lex stiffened at the sound of glass crunching. He closed his eyes and counted to ten, which maybe wasn't the best thing to do, because the first thing Officer Grayson did was poke his shoulder and ask, "Sir, have you fallen asleep behind the wheel?"

Lex stared at him.

Officer Grayson stared back, utterly serious.

"Did you just shatter my brake light?"

"No, I don't think so," Grayson said airily, then launched into the same spiel from the last two traffic stops.

Lex gripped the steering wheel because if he didn't, he might punch the man. When Grayson was done, he asked tightly, "What do normal Blüdhaven citizens drive like?"

"Excuse me?"

"What is unsuspicious behavior for driving in this wretched city?"

"I would never encourage someone to break the law," said Officer Grayson seriously. "You're driving perfectly, sir. It's just quite unusual for this area, so I wanted to make sure you're not hiding anything nefarious in your car. Do you consent to a search?"

"No, I do not," Lex said through gritted teeth, "I just want to get home. As I've told you two times before."

"Have you?"

"Yes," Lex snapped. "You have."

"Oh." Officer Grayson scratched his head. "Sorry about that. Carry on, then." He handed Lex's paperwork back.

Lex waited until Grayson pulled away and drove off before starting to drive himself. If it was so suspicious to drive close to the speed limit, then he would drive ten miles over. As long as he stayed behind the officer—

"Oh, come on!" Not ten minutes later, blue-and-red lights flashed in his rearview mirror. "How did he get behind me?" Lex had been so careful not to pass anyone!

"License and registration, please! It'll be a ticket today, unfortunately; I clocked you going seventy-seven in a sixty-five zone. Also, did you know that one of your brake lights is out?"

Lex would be having words with Wayne about allowing his children out of that ridiculous manor he called a home.

---

Lex wasn't the fondest of children, but he could appreciate them as the future of technological innovations. That was why he appeared as a guest at the end of the tour LexCorp hosted for students enrolled in Gotham University. Hopefully the poor children would realize how much better life was outside of that depressing city.

"And as a special treat for you all, LexCorp's CEO, Lex Luthor himself, has taken some time out of his very busy day to answer a few of your questions!" the perky guide announced.

Lex pasted on a smile for the crowd, who didn't look very impressed. Students looked more and more tired every year, he'd noticed. Lex tried not to take their lack of enthusiasm personally.

"It's a pleasure to meet the sharpest upcoming minds in the industry," he said. "As CEO of LexCorp, I personally oversee—"

A hand shot up. Lex blinked but quickly recovered. He would have time to finish his speech in a few minutes. "Yes?" He pointed to the hand's owner, a young woman with bright yellow hair. She was dressed in purple from head-to-toe, even her socks and the scrunchie holding her hair away from her face. Something about her seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it...

"Hi, Mr. Luthor," she said. "I read online that you support dwarf tossing. Is that true? If so, why?"

Immediately the group's energy shifted. Eyes darted between the blonde and Lex, obviously hanging onto every word.

The tour guide shot a terrified glance at Lex, who couldn't have been more taken aback. Every attendee should have had their student IDs checked, so she couldn't be a reporter.

"Excuse me?" he finally managed to say.

"Dwarf tossing," the blonde repeated. "I saw in an article a couple years ago that you opposed actions against the sport, and I was just interested in why you did that."

"If we could stick to questions related to the tour," the guide said desperately.

The blonde's hand shot into the air.

"Anyone else?" the guide asked.

Everyone else in the tour seemed too interested in the blonde's next question to ask one of their own.

Lex suppressed a sigh and pointed to her.

"Yes, hi," she said. "Mr. Luthor, why is the password to your computer system your birthday? That seems like a security issue just waiting to happen."

"Excuse me?"

She pushed through the crowd of students to the keypad in front of a door that read 'KEEP OUT: EXPERIMENTATION IN PROGRESS' and typed in the code.

The door swooshed open.

"See?" the blonde propped a hand on her hip and flipped her hair over her shoulder, and all of a sudden Lex knew exactly why she was familiar. She'd been at Wayne's last foundation gala, dressed in the same shade of purple, on the arm of Janet Drake's lovechild with Bruce Wayne. Lex didn't remember the sickly-pale boy's name. Thomas, maybe?

"Please shut that door this instant," the guide spluttered.

The blonde shrugged and typed the code in backwards, prompting the doors to close. "I'm just saying, for a so-called tech genius, your password was pretty easy to figure out."

Lex's tongue unstuck from the roof of his mouth. "And how, may I ask, did you sleuth that out?"

"It was my second guess," she said. "I mean, come on. It's pretty egotistical. Better than if my first guess had been right, though."

"And what was your first guess?"

"The date of Superman's first save. You're pretty obsessed with him."

"Okay!" the tour guide said shrilly. "I think that concludes the tour for today. Thank you all for attending!" She ushered the group of university students out of the room. The blonde was the last to leave, holding eye contact with Lex all the way out the door.

What was wrong with the children that hung around Bruce Wayne? Lex made a mental note to check the man for any kind of radiation he might emit. There was no such thing as radiation that made people stupider, right?

---

Wayne's youngest was the only one in the entire family to possess any shred of sense, Lex had discovered.

It grated on him to appeal to a child for grant funding, but LexCorp needed Wayne Enterprise's cooperation to petition the FDA to pass LexCorp Brand kibble. Pet food was a criminally underutilized industry, in Lex's opinion. He could already see LexCorp monopolizing the industry in the future.

Instead of Bruce Wayne, Lucius Fox, or even the seventeen year old Drake-Wayne lovechild that had served as CEO for a little under a year, they had sent Wayne's eleven year old son. He didn't fit into any of the HAZMAT suits they had in stock, so Lex had to entertain the boy while his assistant did a hasty tailoring job. All the while, the boy's brooding bodyguard stood over his shoulder, glaring so hard that his assistant's hands shook.

God knew what hell the child would raise if she poked him with a pin.

Judging by the frightened look on her face, she knew that her job was at stake. Wayne's lawyers were a nightmare to deal with. Lex would rather fight Superman without Kryptonite than face them in court over Wayne's darling prince suffering from a pinprick under Lex's supervision.

Unlike the rest of the Waynes, this boy did not speak much. He looked at everyone with a shrewd, suspicious glare, looking so much like his bodyguard that Lex almost wondered if they were related.

Lex didn't get the feeling that the child approved of him, but he wasn't particularly concerned with a child's opinion. As long as the child was smart enough to realize the financial benefits of Wayne Enterprises partnering with LexCorp—and wasn't that sad, relying on a child's judgment to make a business deal—then they could all go their separate ways as soon as the day was over.

"Are you sure that you don't want a suit of your own?" Lex asked. "Like I said, the technology used to infuse each piece of kibble with the proper nutrients for a growing dog can be—"

"I'll be fine," the bodyguard said in a gravelly voice.

"All the same, there is some radiation—"

"A little radiation never killed me," he said. His mouth twisted in a wry smile, like he'd just said an inside joke.

The child looked at him sharply.

"Well, be careful to stay far away from the machine, then," said Lex, too fed up to argue much. He was growing quite sick of dealing with Wayne and his children. "The slightest miscalibration could shut it down."

"I'll be careful."

Lex's assistant gasped. She'd pricked the Wayne brat with a pin, and she looked up with a trembling lip, but the child didn't even react. He just said, "Continue so we may get this over with."

Lex internally echoed the sentiment.

Once the HAZMAT suit had finally been tailored to roughly fit the boy, they were ready to enter the room. "Please stay back from the machine," he reminded the bodyguard. "Any miscalibration could be catastrophic. Even something as fine as a speck of dirt could interfere with the gears." He had already sunk two million dollars into this project.

Nearly as soon as he spoke the words, the beautifully running kibble machine ground to a halt. Lights blared red.

"What on Earth is going on?" Lex demanded.

It took a minute to diagnose the issue, but finally one of his scientists said, "A cat hair," and held the offending material up for everyone to see.

"Cat hair?" Lex repeated. "How on earth did a cat hair get in here?" Every employee was thoroughly decontaminated before entering the room.

The bodyguard.

Lex rounded on him, ready to take out his annoyance, but a small meow stopped him in his tracks.

Wayne's youngest held a cat in his arms, looking severely unamused.

He hadn't been holding a cat a second ago.

"Where did you get that?" Lex demanded.

The boy didn't blink. "Alfred has been recently suffering from separation anxiety. I could not leave her at home."

"If it makes you feel better," added the bodyguard, "we wouldn't have approved this anyway. We just came as a formality."

All Lex could do was seethe as the pair walked out of the testing room, leaving him with a team of panicked scientists and a two million dollar piece of technology ruined.

---

"What do you mean, you didn't pick up the shipment?" Lex growled into the phone. He'd been trying to replenish his stock of Kryptonite for months, but every source apart from Gotham had dried up. That, too, was increasingly impossible to organize shipments from.

"Sorry, boss," said the goon over the phone. "The Red Hood's been blocking us at every opportunity. I think he's stockpiling it or something."

"Who?" Lex demanded.

"One of Gotham's crime lords. But he kinda sorta works with the Bat now, so—"

Lex hung up the phone and rubbed his forehead. He was getting a headache.

Maybe Lex should ask Batman for a share of his Kryptonite supply. He knew the vigilante had some, and he couldn't be more of a headache to work with than Bruce fucking Wayne and his children.

#batfam #batfamily #lex luthor #bruce wayne #dick grayson #stephanie brown #jason todd #damian wayne

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