0n3-h4lv3

[0n3-h4lv3]

From tonights doc

[0n3-h4lv3]

I want you to know, since ive been gone so long, that i haven't given a damn about f*nn h*rdge in a hotass minute. So much has happened beyond him. Ill post some shit from my doc, to catch you up. Its been a lot of..... finding myself. I haven't found that bastard yet though. Still looking. Im out there somewhere though. Maybe happier.

Ive had a crush. And gotten nowhere. Ive gotten closer to god again, whixh is nice. Im super out as an Enby. Ive desperately sought out friendship, and then realized that im not willing to sacrifice my self respect just for company, ans dropped them. Its just me and Myla. Thats okay. I graduate in one month.

[0n3-h4lv3]

Welcome me home, mother fuxkers

I may be posting here again. I like the vent space. The outbursts. The organization. I dont want anything else from thw website though. Just this spot.

It wont be completely cohesive though.... there was a large break of me only writing on my Doc journals. Ill still keep the big things there.

[0n3-h4lv3]

[0n3-h4lv3]

That mood when. Ur gonna hook up w this rlly hot guy, but then ur fam makes u go out of state for a week, and then u get moon sickness like 2 days b4 getting back home :^)

Literally either karma is getting its kiss for me OR the goddess is like. Protecting me from something.

[0n3-h4lv3]

Half of me is absolutely desperate to go to college, but the other half of me doesn't believe anything will be different there. Im just nearly content killing myself before i even apply.

[0n3-h4lv3]

And that has to be okay, because thats all i've got. All ive got are empty words and empty hands.

[0n3-h4lv3]

Me: sitting on my floor, sobbing uncontrollably

My sister: throws open my bedroom door and insists on showing me a musically she made that is not funny at all, completely ignoring my state and furthermore not giving a damn

[0n3-h4lv3]

[0n3-h4lv3]

I wish i was worth his affection. His attention. Anything .

I never in a million years would have thought a boy could make me feel this much. This strongly. I know its not just him... its me.

Im too obsessive; and I refuse to come to terms woth my worthlessness.

He was never just a crush either though. He was mostly my best friend.

I know i dont mean anything to him, and that i shouldnt, but i think about him all the fucking time. Its mostly not even gross stuff.... i just miss how things were. I wish i was worth keeping around.

[0n3-h4lv3]

I should have killed myself when i had the motivation. Im such a fucking coward.

[0n3-h4lv3]

I have so many projects in mind, of all different sorts, ans i just cant get any of them done because im so busy moping ! Its like i really DONT do anything at all, all day long ! Im desperate to get put of this slump but its just not going to happen for quite a bit. Im wasting so much time,,,,, i wish i could pick myself up on my own.

[0n3-h4lv3]

I cant wait to stop looking like such a girl. Like i cannot wait oh my god. I dont rlly deal w dysphoria but the thought of how i Could look, how i SHOULD look ? Its like sooo in my grasp and also super far away and im just not patient and i wanna be that bitch so bad.

[0n3-h4lv3]

PREDICAMENT

Preface:

-im gay (bi)

- im afab

-im trans (nonbinary)

-i identify with aspects of female presentation and male presentation

- im not a boy, but im definitely not a girl.

Situation:

- sometimes i see mlm couples making out or whatever on shows and think things like "god i wish i was a boy" or get like. Turned on.

Question:

-is that fetishy ?? Am i fetishizing mlm relationships, and gay men ? Am i no better than straight women who watch gay porn ? And who reduce mlm to their sexuality, for their own pleasure or benefit ???

[0n3-h4lv3]

Godddddddd i wanna kill myself so bad !!!!!! I want to SOOO BAD !!!!! i dont wanna pine anymore,, i dont wanna keep losing everyone i dont wanna keep waking up i dont wanna keep LIVING as this person !

Im miserable.... and im so stupid and hopeless.

[0n3-h4lv3]

Thoughts on christmas this year:

Im completely uninterested in the holidays this year. And not in an "im too cool/grown up to get excited" kind of way. Its like.... im miserable. And instead of being a reprieve from the mundane, the holiday season is just going to be super uncomfortable. It's like a joke. All this good energy and pleasantries surrounding me and im not feeling anything. It just makes me feel worse, actually. Kind of guilty and awkward.

I wish i could go to the forest instead. Or lock up in my room and sleep through the season.

What do i want for christmas ? To lay in the dirt; to sink into mother Gaia and slowly be forgotten.

[0n3-h4lv3]

I think it would just be neat if anyone both cool and sexy found me to be worth a second of their time is all.