1000choices

[1000choices]

Day 1

Hi. This is a big deal.

Today, on the 27th of April 2019, I’m setting off on an almost three year long journey. 

I’m not really known for completing my goals. I’m the person who has the most creative ideas, and the biggest dreams. But the reality is, that just a fraction of these ideas ever come to life.

I’m an actress. That’s my profession, that’s my education, and as soon as I write my final exam this spring, that’s my job. That’s the one thing I’ve stuck with, and never wavered from. That dream started when I was a small child, and every choice I’ve made since then has been with that purpose in mind. Not only to be an actress, but to work in one specific theatre in my hometown. My favorite theatre, favorite building, favorite place on earth. And I’m talented. And I’ve gotten quite good. And I’ve gotten to known the right people. And I think that dream might, one day, come true. But I’m also a person. And as a person, when I’m not on stage, I’m terribly unreliable. I hop on diets, and then fall back. I worked out like crazy for a year, ‘til I got accepted to acting school and fell off. My weight have gone up and down like crazy since I was eight, and this journey is to make that change.

Just a warning - If you are struggling, or if you have ever struggled, from an eating disorder, this is the time to stop reading.

My career has always been a huge part of how I see myself. I’m Ia - the actress. That’s who I am, even to my closest friend. I’ve also been a dog-owner, girlfriend, sister, daugther, crush, enemy, competition and even mistress. To some. But I’m always, to everyone, the actress. 

And to me, that’s a beautiful thing. I created that myself, and I’m very proud about it. But now, as I’ve entered my mid-twenties, I’m craving the idea of also being more of a person. Not that I’m not! I’m kind, sometimes. I have an attitude, sometimes. I’m funny. I’m generous. But I’m so known for being creative, profesional and hard-working, that most people don’t see the person behind the plays I put up. And neither do I. And that’s the point. I need to find some sense of self-esteem, that’s not connected to my work. That’s not connected to being the teachers pet, or the name in the headline. 

This all sounds so arrogant. I know. I can hear it. But it’s true. And it’s sad. Because if I reach that success that I so badly crave, of being a part of “my” theatre, I’m afraid I’ll be left with a void where that dream used to be. Cause who am I, if I’m not climbing that ladder. 

Back to the eating-part. I’ve been on and off with a bunch of different eating disorders. It started with anorexia at 14. Then bullimia during high school. Then I had a couple of healthy years, with proper diet and exercise, and then I fell to over-eating. That’s were I’m at now. For the past two-three years, food has been my comfort. The education is hard. It’s rough. I work full time on the side, the night shift at a hotel. 11pm to 7am, all night, 20 nights a month. Sugar seems to be the only thing that makes me sane when sleep can’t. I sleep, on average, 2 or 3 hours a day between class and work, and when I get off work I go directly to class or rehearsal. Then, once or twice a month, I’ll have a calm day, and sleep for 15 hour. But that’s it. I LOVE my job. It’s the perfect job to have when school doesn’t really allow work, and you still need to pay rent. The hotel is beautiful, the guests are mostly rich businesspeople that go to bed early, and most importantly: I work with amazing people, that has become some of my best friends. But it makes is so hard to make good choices, because routine  is an impossible thing. A schedule that can fit all of this in isn’t possible, so I eat too much and sleep to little, and it has become a big (literally big) problem. Most people sleep for 8 hours, and therefore they don’t eat during that time. I don’t, so I eat an extra meal to keep myself  going. Maybe  two. 

I’ve gained about 50 punds. On a 5′5 body, that shows. My last play, who had it’s last show day yesterday,  revealed it to me. Movement is harder. I’m no longer flexible. I dread the day that promo-pictures are taken before opening night. And I have to change, somehow.

I can’t really follow a diet and work-outplan. I truly don’t have the time to cook. I don’t have the team to work out at a specific time during a PTs hours. Also, I’ve gotten heavy so quick that I’m worried I’ll injure my knees if I just suddenly start doing the routine I had three years ago.

And as I said, what really needs to improve is my sense of self. The feeling that I have a life, and a purpose, and goals outside of my profession. So I came up with this idea. The idea. The one I’m going to follow through with.

I’m going to make 1000 good choices over the next 1000 days. One good choice is a work out. Or a hike on that day where you realllllly don’t want to. To manifest this, I’m writing 1000 lines in a notebook. For every good choise, I’m making that line a cross, using a pencil over the pen-written line. If I fall off - if I make a bad choice, I have to erase that cross. The goal is that by January 21st, exactly 1000 days from now, I’ll have a notebook with 1000 crosses.

I’ve started swimming. That’s my main cardio now, until I’m at a weight where my knees and ankles are no longer a concern. So that’s one, and weightlifting the other. Combined, these activities will give my body what it needs to start off. I’m also a big fan of spin-classes and group workouts, so I’ll have lot’s of options at the gym.

It’s already 21 pm now, and I won’t make the gym before going to work. But I’m counting this decision, taking the step and making a blog, my first good choice. 

Heres to 999 more!