1001petals

[1001petals]

a is ready

Little A used to write in her diary to prove to her “future kids” that she felt emotions.

Little A didn’t realize that adults had emotions. Or that hers were even valid.

Little A was already looking out for others so they wouldn’t have to feel as confused and alone as she did.

Middle School A stayed up till 2am listening to The Beatles and CSNY on repeat while tears streamed down her face and she used music to try and process her emotions behind a closed door when no one was watching. During the day she was called smiles from her teachers.

Middle School A didn’t understand why or how she could be sad.

High School A lost her first grandma and didn’t feel too much around it. But it felt a lot worse when she found out why she never met her grandpa.

High School A was burnt out from feeling alone with all these scary thoughts and found solace in sneaking out, boys, and alcohol.

High School A ignored friendships to pour her heart into toxic relationships and chase boys that were using her. It was intoxicating to feel something that intimate she was afraid to lose it.

College A used alcohol and humor and puking up all full meals to numb all the pain she was convinced was invalid. More toxic romantic relationships perpetuated the cycle

College A did start to plant some seeds and found people she could nerd out with who loved her through her flaws.

20s A tried several serious relationships to settle down and find herself, all the while losing herself more. She cultivated emotional security for them that she had no experience to handle and it was overwhelming.

28 year old A lost Nana while she was cheating on the boy she couldn’t shake and dug deeper than ever to avoid the guilt.

29 year old A was still pretending it was okay till she got the call that J was no longer on this Earth.

29 year old A is sick of hurting others and herself and knows tomorrow can be too late.

29 year old A is scared but can taste what it will feel like to feel everything freely

[1001petals]

<3

[1001petals]

How Lucky Am I

to have all the wonderful people I have in my life.

the amount of grief I have been feeling in the last few months has made me think about all the good times that makes it so hard to reminisce. And how lucky I am to have had those memories.

and how lucky I am to be making so many more with the people still with me here on Earth.

there are a lot of things I feel like I am behind in on life, but creating meaningful relationships is something I feel like I am ahead on.

i have gratitude for myself for never taking advantage of that.

[1001petals]

I am frustrated that I am this far into my adult life and I have no idea what I want in a relationship.

I have come to the realization that I am the toxic one. The common denominator in all my past relationships is me. I just wish it took something other than someone dying for me to be able to look past this wall and figure that out.

I am not going to have to beat myself up for guilt, I know that I didn’t do that to him. But I do know that how I have treated people, and how I continue to treat people is not always right. I am a great friend & family member, but have a hard time with the commitment that I can only give to one person in a romantic relationship.

I think about when I was younger and how I was obsessed with Disney princess stories, and barbies, and all that. I was a sucker for a love story for as long as I can remember. I used to think that the first person I dated would have been the one I married because I was determined to make sure that I would be the best girlfriend to ever exist. I would just compromise and everything would work out fine.

When my first encounter with a boy turned out the way it did, where I was doing everything in my power to be appealing, and still had to chase him and knew that i was the second option, that messed me up a bit. Thats what I do to the people I date now though. 

This is the first time in my life where I think I am really craving to be single. The thought of having to commit to something and make it work seems like more than I can stomach. I keep having flashbacks to the times with J that he would tell me the things I couldn’t see yet, and I can’t go any further than that. And I can’t get over the fact that he doesn’t get to experience what it means to be truly respected in a romantic relationship.

What do I want my life to be like?

I want to be able to be in nature as often as possible. I was having spiriling thoughts today and then I thought about being by a creek, and it made me want to cry from relief. That is a must.

I want to be able to be there for the people that I care about. I don’t want to focus on money and work, as long as I have enough to live and be prepared for emergencies. 

[1001petals]

Nana, tonight I realized how much I wish I could talk to you about all that I’m going through right now.

I know I got my big heart from you, and I wonder if you felt things as strongly as I do.

You dealt with so much loss in your long life. That’s the thing with living as long as you did, you’re one of the last to go. I’m just starting to experience this, first with you and then with J.

I remember you telling me about a boyfriend you lost. What did he mean to you? Was he different than grandpa? Did you still think about him when you got old?

You never lingered and always pushed through. I know I’m going to do the same, but I don’t want to forget the way your voice sounds, or his. I don’t want to lose the memory of all the details of your face. Or the sound of your laughs.

I hope you’re sitting with him on a bench up there and looking down at me sometimes. That’s how I keep picturing it when I can’t handle the thoughts that he’s gone so young. You were ready and it was your time, but I can’t come to peace with J. Can to give him a hug for me? Can you tell him how special he was? I wish you were here to give me some advice, but I’m trying to be quiet and still and feel it instead.

[1001petals]

You ignited my heart the way it craved to be lighted up when I was young

I’m not sure how healthy we were sure, but the way you made me feel like everything was going to be alright and forget about all my stress was worth more than you know

It doesn’t seem real that you aren’t going to grow old on this earth with us. I keep replaying all the memories of us doing the things we loved and it feels like a fairy tale that couldn’t have been real.

I don’t want the memory of you to fade away. Isn’t it ironic how I thought I wanted the exact opposite 6 months ago? Your death was like a slap in the face. A lesson in how short life can be, and how giving into fear and anxiety can cause so much unnecessary pain to you and everyone around you.

You taught me to love with my whole heart, forgive with a clear conscience, and to live for today not tomorrow. One day this will click in, but for now I like to think that I’ll see you one day on at the mountain or at a bar, smiling at me from afar.

[1001petals]

I don’t know how to do this.

You were able to see past the wall that I have built up to protect myself, and I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for the pain that I caused you when I was ignoring it.

I’m trying to steer down the right path because I’m hoping it makes it better, but now you’re gone and I know I can’t ever tell you sorry and admit to all the hurt I caused you.

Some hours I’m okay, and then I let myself sink into it a little more. I’m trying to do it slowly so I don’t fall into the same type of pit you did. I know you wouldn’t want that, it’s hard though.

I’m fucking up still, but I’m feeling it more than I used to and I’m thinking about it. I know it’s a small improvement but not as much as I need to do. Thanks for giving me the strength right now to become a better person.

[1001petals]

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

[1001petals]

M (2) a few months later

A non-comparison reflection:

My Non-Negotiables in a Relationship:

1. Quality time- this is a big thing for me. If I am not able to feel like I am connected to the person I am dating, I do not feel emotionally or physically be able to connect to them. Quality time is my love language.  Big no here right now. He spends a lot of time on work.... claims that it is going to be a short term thing, but I am sick of hearing things like that that never seem to end (seems to have been my experience in past relationships).

2. Connection to Nature- Nature for me is both my hobby, and a large part of how I connect with the world spiritually and emotionally. This is a middle ground in our relationship right now. He has not had as much exposure to nature as I have had in my life. I think that I also intertwine creativity and play with nature. I am not sure if this is there for him, He has spoken about this kind of thing in the past, but I have not been able to experience it with him yet. Granted, it has been the winter. 

3. Spontaneity- I value this in all aspects of my life. It is a way for me to be able to maintain some of the stability in my life, while also making it exciting so that I can calm some of my impulsive urges. This is something that seems to be missing in our relationship right now. He naturally is a planner, and when you but all the stresses of his jobs right now on top of that, he cannot just up and go on a weekend like I can.

4. Gets along with my friends/family- I value my relationships with my friends and family equal to my relationship with my romantic partner. I also need freedom in my romantic relationship that does not include any jealousy or possessiveness over my time when it comes to spending quality time with my friends. I have a lot of friends that come from diverse backgrounds, and have no tolerance with comments that might make someone feel unsafe or judged. This is something that is great about our relationship. He gets along with all of my friends and makes sure to spend time with my family. 

Personal Issues

- I have had a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another. I did not have time to process between L and J, which resulted in me doing actions that caused J not to trust me. I do not want to do the same thing with M(2). Although I do not feel that I have much to process surrounding the relationship with J specifically, I do feel like I have an itch to explore all of my options. Even when I have had breaks in relationships, I have tended to jump head first into things when I start to like someone. This then results in my getting into year long relationships that get hard for me to break off when I get attached. I feel like this is something I may need time and space to explore.  I have also had a complicated relationship with how I feel about men recently. 

Main Points

- Right now the lack of quality time in the relationship and his relationship with work is making me feel afraid that it is not sustainable for me. Not only is quality time my love language, but I also have a fear of ending up in a similar situation as my parents where work came before their relationship and our family dynamic.

- I need to take a step back in the relationship right now. I am still exploring what this means, and am open to input from his as well. At the bare minimum I need some physical distance between the 2 of us. I feel like we never really had the time to actually date each other, and this issue is getting compounded with what I mentioned above. 

- There are a lot of aspects of our relationship that I enjoy and appreciate, including his supportiveness, trust in me with spending so much time with others, and his willingness to talk about these things. 

[1001petals]

J (2) + M (2)

J(2)

P: adventurous, good listener, willing to work on communication, appreciation for music, nature, and creativity, mechanically inclined, always put me first, spontaneous, caring, big heart, not superficial bone in his body, sense of humor, FUN

C: slightly manipulative, mental health issues that he was in denial over/wasn't working to fix, DUIs, no job, spoiled by parents resulting in lack of ambition, spoke badly about friends, drinking problem, unresolved anger problems, always prioritized fun and distractions over others areas of life, would not take no for an answer

M(2)

P: mentally stable, does the right thing, understanding, puts time and effort into himself, smart, ambitious, strong family values, strong-willed, focused, funny, good looking, willing to work on communication, humble, independent, pushes me to be a better version of myself

C: seems to be uncomfortable with the sometimes unpredictable situations (likes controlled environments), romanticized me and my body, may not be as spontaneous as I am used to, not? mechanically inclined, different taste in music and creativity

[1001petals]

J

P: fun, exciting, good looking, exhilarating, first 

C: non-committal, unreliable, manipulator, didn’t actually care

Anticipated regret? That I would never feel this deeply again (i did not know what this feeling was before because I never felt it before). 

Regret? No, but went through a lot of heartaches

N

P: intelligent, ambitious, exhilarating, fun, exciting

C: far away, age, the situation

Anticipated regret? This one kind of fizzled out on its own. 

Regret? No

M

P: comfortable, funny, adventurous, got along with family, caring, prioritized me always, ambitious

C: controlling, not taking care of his mental health, isolated me, would not take no for an answer, jealousy

Anticipated regret? That he cared about me so much and that I would never find someone who would care as much for me as he did. I thought that I would miss his family and that I would miss him with mine.

Regret? No, danced in the shower. Only when I was doubting myself.

T

P: good looking, exhilarating, same music, funny, gave me space, caring, loving, complimented me always, liked to have fun

C: not taking care of his mental health, selfish, non-ambitious, childish, wandering eye, jealousy, friends over me. 

Anticipated regret? That I would never find anyone again who I loved so magnetically like I did with him.

Regret? Not possible, but a LOT of heartache. 

M

P: into music, funny

C: creepy as hell, no respect for personal space

Anticipated regret? No. I knew this one was not for me. Maybe that I would hurt his feelings.

Regret? not a single ounce. 

R

P: adventurous

C: completely mentally unstable, selfish Anticipated regret? None. This one was just for passing time.

Regret? Nope.

L:

P: caring, funny, laidback, puts me first, takes care of things, mechanically inclined, similar interest in outdoors and antiques, can commit, can hold his word, funny, comfortable, ambitious (with money), gets along with family, supportive, puts me first

C: opposite music, not always aware of his own emotions, romanticizes relationships, jealousy, little interest in going out, likes his comfort zone, wants more of a commitment than I do, REALLY old-fashioned, not open-minded, not comfortable with himself, unhealthy stress management (tobacco/food)

Possible regrets? He treats me really well and is goofy just like me. Who knows if I will find this again. He is most of the time willing to work on problems because he has a real value for commitment.

Me

P: adventurous, laid back, funny, caring, open-minded, forgiving, open to change, goofy, ambitious, empathetic, non-superficial

C: indecisive, wandering eye, people pleaser, worry wart

Regret? That I will always be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, that I will never be happy in one thing. 

[1001petals]

Perfect Boy

the perfect boy for me...

likes to listen to relaxing music with me

is okay with or without me

has all of his own friends and I have mine

values family, friends, and the Earth around him

takes care of his physical health but isn’t obsessed with it

is always ready to improve personally and is self-aware

shares my values (friends, family, people, second chances, treating others with respect, spreading happiness, self-care)

likes to do things outside with me

likes to hang out with friends, go to bars, vacations, and parties with me

respects me and my emotions

can talk about things that matter 

knows how to have fun and can laugh

down for anything

[1001petals]

Nanny

I wonder if it is more beautiful for you there than it is for the rest of us.

I wonder if suffering so much here makes the imaculate heaven even more perfect.

I wonder if all the low's down here make for unexplainable highs there.

I hope that is how it is.

I think it was all for a purpose.

It makes me feel better to think that.

~~

Even though people try and scare me away from people like you,

I appreciate you more now than I ever did before.

I feel a lot less alone.

I feel you helping me.

I feel you grounding me,

And helping me to ground others like they could never do for you.

~~

Thank you

[1001petals]

That one time...

I was confident that one time...

When I was skinny.

I was focused that one time...

When I was dieting.

I was outgoing that one time...

When I could wear all of the size 0 party dresses.

People noticed me that one time...

When I looked like the fashion models.

They say when you look back it is easier to remember the good things.

That’s why it’s hard to remember...

When I was skinny...

I just about passed out in every class.

When I was dieting...

I could not go anywhere without a constant calorie calculator working in my head.

When I could wear all of the size 0 party dresses...

I was placing my self-worth on my appearance and sexuality. 

When I looked like the fashion models...

I fell asleep with headaches every night. 

[1001petals]

RD

Is it weird to write a love poem about someone you don’t actually love?

You are distraught, untrusting, and torn apart.

But a beautiful person. 

Much like the rest of us.

But how would I love you if I am the same? 

~~

I know I am hard to get to know.

Maybe it is because I am afraid that you won’t love me.

Like I don’t love you.

~~

1AM, 4 drinks in. 

You take me to the place where the city lights meet the black rippling river. 

A train passes overhead.

You mention how I don’t like trains.

You actually heard something?

Over the thoughts of your ex?

 You are “over” her, or so you say

Amidst the comments of adrift photographers you’ve been here with in the past

Jealousy over Instagram comments

Fights in your Mom’s basement.

I am not her, just so you know.

~~

I press flowers too.

I have a camera too.

They don’t sell in stores.

Have you noticed I don’t use phones?

You think that’d have shone.

~~

I can’t open up to you.

To be honest, I don’t trust you.

Yeah you are nice. So am I.

~~ 

Can we use each other? Or will this turn into something more?

Or nothing at all?

Which is best?

It’s just a trap door.

[1001petals]

AnxietyS+

Bleep, Bling!

Bleep, Bling!

Bleep, Bling!

Hi, hi, hi. 

What are you up to? Can you meet up? Can you do this thing? 

Talk to me

TALK TO ME 

TALK TO ME

And why are we more anxious now than ever before?

[1001petals]

I am So Afraid

I am paralyzed with fear every day

And I am most afraid of being the only person who feels that way

Constant daydreams of anything other than what I am doing

Dreaming that my life will finally begin

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Tomor...

But will my dream then become more daydreams?

Never to live the actual goal

That feels right

and good

I am afraid that they will all walk out of my life.

That we won’t get along.

That I will get bored

Like I always do.