100lostpoems

[100lostpoems]

Island of One

no this year will not be the year

or the next

or anything hereafter

the unfortunate truth

the painful reality

is that you have to fight

you have to do it alone

all your friends will always

have a partner

they never stay single for long

your parents always had each other

your brothers were joined at the hip

there was even a parent

one for each brother

but you, you will be an island alone

good luck kid, you're on your own

nobody to pick you up

to dress your wounds

to wipe away the tears

you have to hold yourself now,

always and evermore

carry the weight of the world

with a smile plastered on your face

caring for mother and father

brother and other

cleaning up their messes

looking after their needs

juggling your own

in the quiet of the night

they will all still have each other

while you're alone.

It's just you and the stars,

even the moon has the sun.

The perfect truth of it all

is the mistake in being born

the puzzle piece that never fits

you were never supposed to be here now,

you weren't supposed to live this long.

The systems are failing,

your body's a wreck

and you carry the weight

of their failures to check

Of all the doctors who

misdiagnosed and ignored

all symptoms displayed

on the body's dashboard

There's nobody to blame but you

You should've spoken up,

I'm sorry for being eleven.

I'm sorry they beat the mouth out of me.

I'm sorry I let you hit and berate me,

Sorry I allowed you to give me

medications that poisoned my body.

I'm sorry for being such a burden

a bitch at the age of eleven.

I'm sorry I was so fat back then,

let you force me to diet, the lack

of nutrients and anorexia causing

me to gain instead of shred.

I'm so sorry, So so sorry

I forgot that I was an island of one

I'm so sorry I didn't know better

That I was such a stupid child.

But I'm so apologetic, it's always

my fault. I'm sorry you will never

understand the gravity of how it is

to be an island of one.

[100lostpoems]

Blood Enemies

from the moment

light hits my eyes

pitch darkness

encompassed yours

i look a little too much

like my mother

but this time,

you won’t be able to tame her.

born of blood, fueled by rage

i am the eldest daughter

an unstoppable force

against your immovable pride.

we are enemies made for each other.

the father tries to clip

his daughter’s wings

but i’ll be the one

to bury you eventually.

[100lostpoems]

We’re Better Off Friends

there is always something wrong

with my face

with my body

with my self

every conversation is a fight

in the car

in the church

in our home

and i know that we are better off

not as mother

and a daughter

but as friends

we just weren’t meant to love like this

so we become

estranged aquaintances

acting in strange pantomime

i was never yours and you’ll never be mine.

[100lostpoems]

3:28 p.m.

the poison grows

pooling into the cavity

hidden behind my ribs

flowing up from a pit

i had forgotten exists

the poison used to release

streaming down rosy cheeks

now it mangles with my lungs

and makes it hard to breathe

it sears the flesh in my stomach

becoming a burning nausea in my throat

the poison will eat me from the inside

and i don’t have the antidote

the poison’s corrupting my system

as i lay curled upon the floor

hidden away from prying eyes

until i’m a rotting corpse forevermore

[100lostpoems]

She Loves Me Not

deep blue endless sky

i am all alone tonight

just the same as i’ve always been

connected to some divine within

the waning light of day recedes

beyond the sloping hills of grey

the smell of spring is dawning

and i’ll swear to see another day

i’m alive and i’m happy about it

and i’m so miserably joyful.

the melancholy courses my veins

as if it could wash my sins tenfold.

i am wretched and i am holy

i am alone and i am company

i am alive but i want to die

i pray for relief to an empty sky

i feel the peak as i reach the summit

and as i fall i fear my plummet

maybe my bones will rearrange

into something new and strange

release of feelings release of fear

release of my heart and all that’s queer

release my body release my soul

release me to the stars once more

temples of glass are made to shatter

i am the window, rock, and clatter

i am the snake that has already struck

slithering among glittering ruins

so here i am, at the twilight

alone again with the one i hate the most

fighting to understand a reflection,

while being haunted by my own ghost.