1279777

[1279777]

28th April, Abu Dhabi

i just moved in to Abu Dhabi. I think i will like it better to live here compared to Dubai. It is more quiet, plenty of public parks, and long strech of coastal and beach promenade.

Also there are some indonesian restaurants here, which relatively cheaper than the one in Dubai.

But i am still can't picturing my self live together with Nadia and Rami here. The city feels very strange. Are we gonna be okay here, being far away from all familiar faces, all by ourselves.

Could Nadia able to find a job here?

Could we raise Rami without any help?

Is Rami going to fit in ? How about the school?

Is my salary going to be enough to support them?

What if after all these things we are still going to live paycheck to paycheck just like in Jakarta which makes no different.

But at the same time, i really want to be together with them. Being far away from them is really killing me.

I hate this

[1279777]

1st February 2025 - Dubai

She asked: Why do you always do the same thing every week? There are plenty of other places besides the Indonesian restaurant. Don’t you want to try something new?I answered: I don’t know. I just want to make my days feel more regular and less exciting.

Every time I discover something new in this city, it reminds me that I no longer live the life I used to—the life with you.When I first came here, everything was uncertain. I had no idea what to expect—how things would turn out, how they would affect our relationship. Could we cope with all these changes?I was really afraid that we actually could live without each other. I was afraid that if I spent my time here discovering new places or making new friends, I would start to feel okay living this way.

So when I realized that I could just spend a weekend doing nothing except waiting for a call from you, I thought: I can live with this. This isn’t so bad. Even though we aren’t actually together, it feels just like most of our weekends before.It’s just another weekend with a call from you, where you tell me stories about how hard it is to live with your family or about how Rami is getting bigger and smarter.

And then, another weekday spent working in the office, waiting for the weekend when I can spend another day waiting for your call.This boring, regular routine may not be exciting, but for now, I don’t want to be excited. I just want to make this phase more bearable.

I hope we can be together again very soon. When that time comes, I think I’ll be ready to explore, to get excited—together.

Love you :))Sorry for the long text.

[1279777]

I AM CHANGED

If someone asks me why i do believe in God, and practicing islam.

Probably the answer that i could think about is because it is practical to live this way.

I am not trying to prove that God is out there looking at us and do his string. I just think that in this miserable life, believing that everything happens because of greater power is much easier compared to live a life without meaning.

I meant probably this whole life has no meaning at all. That we are just a speck of dust in the of universe. That every bad things just happen without any reason. That everything is out of our control, and we cannot do anything about it.

i think believing in God makes it much easier. Isnt it beautiful to believe that we are special? That everything that happens to us has a reason behind it even though we have no idea about it. Isnt it reliving to believe after all the misery that happens there would be a better day?

Even if our wholelife is a full of sadness and bad things, isnt it easier just to believe that after all of this there will be an afterlife where we can meet our loved one and live together forever.

Even if all these islamic rituals are made up by someone in the middle east, and what i do are actually useless. I dont really mind, if i am able to live my life little bit easier.

If in the end life has no meaning, at least believing in something will help me wake up in the morning, live a life as it is, get through it and make it more bearable.

[1279777]

Dubai, 7th December 2024

[1279777]

Moving Forward

Looking at the last posts from tumblr pages that i follow.

It shows it posted on 2015, 2018, 2019

It gives me this feeling, that they have moved on, Left these pages as their past.

Looking at it, picturing the moment they clicked the post button, without knowing it would be their last.

They must be have a reason for it. The reason why they stopped.

or maybe life just goes on, and sometimes it leaves something behind in order to move forward

Wondering what kind of life that they are choosing. Hopefully they dont regret it.

[1279777]

Good Bye

I just took off, for my new job in Dubai. Until now it seems like the obvious choice to take.I meant, my career is going nowhere, indonesia's economy looks like going to have a rough time in couple years ahead, more expenses for rami needs like his therapy, maybe go to school, and others.Lately everything seems no longer affordable, even with nadias and my income, we still cant save anything, And after ramis therapy we even need to use our savings.I am a bit regretting that we took that new car, eventough we were very happy with it. It just 4million a month is a lot for usAnd we need to start paying for our apartment like 2million. After living rent free for some yearsI think there are like maybe hundreds of reasons why i need to take this job. Also, working abroad has been my dream since i was a little. Because my dad did that too.It was very obvious to take this job.I would really hate myself and regret it if i didnt.But boy, leaving nadia and rami without knowing for sure when i can get to see them again is awful.This feeling is really killing meI dont even know where to start,Saying goodbye, kissing them, look at nadia in tears, thats awfully hurts.Since we moved in together after our marriage i always go back to her, going home knowing that she is waiting me. I know that sometimes there is a feeling of being annoyed by her things, but i would really miss that like a lotAnd ramiOh mann i dont know what to startI really dont knowI think im about to cry Being a parent is really really hard, but the joy that you got is even harder. Like a lottRami is a special boy, i know he would be okay. There are his grandparents, the nanny, and also nadia.I think i need him more than he needs meI just cant imagine like going home without seeing him while eating his dinner, or playing his toys, or sleeping with his stomach out of his pajamas.I just cant imagine if he is asking why i am not coming home today, and wondering when ill be back, asking if it is tomorrow or the day after. And nadia just gonna say "later"He is probably just gonna forget about it and than continue to play with his toysBut oh man this feels really really awfulI meant in his whole life, his whole 3 years, i was part of his life. Suddenly i am goneMaybe we can still di video call, or other But i dont think it will have the same meaning to him.I just cant think that my presence will be less meaningful to him. From a father that always there for him to be just a video call guy that he meet once or twice in a year.I hate how my dad went to the US without taking his family, maybe he has his own reason, but i hated it how he let me grow up without a father figure. Ironically now i do the same thing to rami.I really hope that this is really temporary, i really hope that we can reunited in a year.I really hope that rami theraphy would be success, and he is getting smarter, so nadia can easily take him to live with me in Dubai.Even for the worst case, i can still go back to Indonesia after a year or two. Saving enough money to buy a house or for ramis school. And we can enjoy our mundane life together lying on the bed on sunday morning. Laughing to each otherI miss their laugh alreadyWhy is this really hard?Maybe rami is taking his lunch right now, I hope rami become better at everything.I hope nadia iss doing okaySince shes with his parents, things would be feel easier to her.Please, be fineI really hope they are We did have a proper farewell, we went to taman mini to see birds and reptiles, Rami had a great time. We were having a great time.And the last three days, we spend our days together, just the three of us. It was niceI cant asking for a better farewell.But i dont know, it still feels not enough.

[1279777]

Sepi

Sitting alone in the bus, going for some meal from my home country, looking for some familiar noise, trying to help this loneliness.

This is killing me.

[1279777]

What i want from life

To stop thinking that i am little bit special, better than others, to trying too hard to be better.

To be able to wake in the morning not thinking about next day, next week, next month, and the future.

To live the life that cherish the very moment, enjoy the present. Not hestitate about the choices i make.

To slowly walk along the path, take any routes, longer or harder, even make a detour if necessary. Without being afraid being chased away by the train of fast moving civilization.

To feel sufficient enough with what i have. Not asking for little bit more, wanting to live the life of others, stop myself from the greed of capitalism.

To be an insignificant little speck of dust in the whole universe. A speck of dust with his own little universe only for himself.

[1279777]

RAMI

Halo rami apa kabar masa depan, semoga masa depan tidak seburuk itu.

semoga kamu masih dapat bersenang-senang

berharap untuk esok hari yang lebih baik

menjalani apa yang kamu lalui

bersyukur dari apa yang kamu miliki

[1279777]

Being a father

Being a dad is being constantly worried about anything. The worst part is it keeps coming and becoming wilder than before, it is exhausting.

I used to be really carefree, I have no worries about anything. If something bad happen to me, I could just keep it with me. Buried the feelings deep inside and forget about it. 

Things are different now, when having a family, you can’t just buried it and forget it. Because if something happen to them and they are being hurt, that happen outside my being. I can’t just ignore it. the only thing i can do is comforting them and hopelessly watch them deal with it and that is absolutely killing me.

Not only that, imagining what will happen in the future is much worse nightmare. I cant do “the whatever will be will be thisng that i used to do”. 

i will never forgive myself if something bad happen to them. There wont be any will be that i accept beside that they will be fine and happy. That is the only condition that i could accept.

I am not used to this kind of feeling. A feeling that when you are really attached to somebody else. I didn't have this kind of attachment with my parents or my sibling, it was kind of sad, bad I'm okay with it. i’m used to it.

however now, every time my family are being hurt. i feel the worst feeling i ever felt. it hurts so much. i confused, worried,and hopeless

all these feeling are new to me, I always find that emotion is meant to be kept for my self, keep your expectation low then you wont have any regrets nor a big expectations. Which is perfect. Being ordinary is the the best way of living. Like a cockroaches, a mediocre living creature which doesn't really have a big impact to the world, yet still survive after all disaster that happened to the earth.

But here I am being a father, being mediocre seems no longer an option for me especially if that happen to my family. 

I became a real greedy person that wants everything in the world for them, even if it means somebody else will suffer or the other side of the world burned. As long as they are happy, will happily do it. All the cruelty of the old feudal ruler that enslave the peasant, betrayed their people for the power and fortune to ensure the good living of their family started to make sense to me. 

Just like I said in the beginning, being a father is hard it is even change you from being okay to be a cockroaches to a wanting everything in the world. 

[1279777]

Semoga kamu dapat menjadi anak yang berbahagia. Bisa hidup dengan memiliki harapan bahwa masa depan masih mungkin menjadi lebih baik.

[1279777]

Sudirman Thamrin

this text supposed to be recorded as an audio text about Sudirman Thamrin. The idea was to create a story that combine both historical facts and spatial narrative. It aims to gives the listener spatial experience of how the area changes thourgh times. However, because im too lazy to make it happen, i am just gonna put it here. After all, it has been a while since the last time i posted something in here.

Sore di Sudirman-Thamrin, salah satu distrik pusat ekonomi dan bisnis terbesar di Jakarta, tempat berputarnya sebagian besar rupiah negara ini. Tempat dimana manusia-manusia Jakarta berusaha menggapai mimpi-mimpinya. Saya menyebrang Jalan sambil melihat pemandangan yang sama seperti sore sore lainnya, sepanjang jalan Sudirman-Thamrin padat merayap, dipenuhi oleh orang orang yang berebut ruang sesak diantara gedung gedung beton pencakar langit, mencoba pulang berharap sampai di rumah lebih awal dari kemarin.

SUDIRMAN-THAMRIN DAN NAMA NAMA KEBUN

Siapa sangka daerah ini beberapa puluh tahun lalu merupakan hamparan lahan perkebunan luas yang berada tepat di pinggiran kota Batavia. Sebuah kontras yang tidak terbayangkan, karena Sudirman Thamrin selalu identik dengan kepadatan metropolitan di sepanjang ingatan kota ini. Beberapa puluh tahun lalu satu satunya pemukiman di area ini adalah perkampungan budak perkebunan yang berasal dari Bali. Saya membayangkan saat daerah ini masih berupa hamparan pepohonan buah yang terbentang luas, dengan ruang-ruang teduh diantaranya, mungkin sesekali saya akan menemukan para budak Bali pekerja kebun yang duduk melepas lelah di bawah rindangnya pohon pohon karet. 

Kurang lebih 50 tahun kemudian, semua berubah dengan sangat drastis, ruang-ruang kebun tersebut sudah habis tidak tersisa. Digantikan oleh gedung perkantoran pencakar langit dan kampung kampung kota yang bergumul di sekitarnya. Yang tertinggal dari kebun-kebun tersebut sekarang hanyalah nama, Kebun Kacang, Karet, dan Dukuh Atas. Nama-nama yang kini hanya menjadi penanda tempat, tanpa sedikitpun merefleksikan maknanya. 

CITA CITA SOEKARNO DI THAMRIN-SUDIRMAN

Mungkin apabila ada pertanyaan siapa yang paling bertanggung jawab atas semua perubahan ini? saya akan menjawab Presiden Pertama Indonesia, Soekarno, orang yang memiliki peranan paling besar dalam menyulap kebun komoditas hindia Belanda menjadi wajah metropolis kota Jakarta dengan gedung gedung pencakar langit yang selalu terpampang di halaman pertama mesin pencarian google setiap kali kita masukan kata “Jakarta”. Soekarno bermimpi untuk melepaskan Jakarta dari bayangan kolonialisme melalui simbol-simbol kota modern. Terinspirasi dari jalan-jalan boulevard yang lebar di kota kota modern seperti Brasilia dan Washington DC, jalan penghubung sejauh 7 km dibentangkan sebagai penghubung antara area Medan Merdeka dengan area Kebayoran Baru. Jalan yang kini disebut Sudirman-Thamrin ini awalnya dirancang agar bebas kemacetan, menurut Soekarno kemacetan adalah refleksi dari rusaknya sebuah kota. Dalam mimpinya, mungkin Soekarno membayangkan jalan yang lebar membentang tak berujung sejauh mata memandang, diantaranya bangunan -bangunan pencakar langit didirikan, membuat kesan monumental bagi orang yang berada di tengah-tengahnya. Sesekali mungkin akan ada beberapa kendaraan bermotor berlalu dengan kecepatan tinggi dari arah yang berlawanan. 

Sayangnya cita cita jalan tersebut tidak berlangsung lama. Ironis memang, kini Sudirman Thamrin telah identik sebagai pusat kemacetan, problem yang sepertinya tidak akan selesai dalam waktu dekat. Pengalaman yang saya alami saat ini sepertinya jauh dari apa yang pernah Soekarno bayangkan, Jalan Sudirman-Thamrin kini sangat jarang dapat menunjukan wajah monumentalnya, selalu penuh sesak dengan kendaraan-kendaraan bermotor yang terjebak di dalam antrian antrian kemacetan tiap pagi dan sore harinya.

BUNDARAN HOTEL INDONESIA

Salah satu alasan mengapa Soekarno sangat berambisi untuk melakukan pembangunan yang ia sebut dengan "Pembangunan Nasional Semesta Berencana" salah satunya adalah karena  terpilihnya Indonesia sebagai penyelenggara Asian Games ke 4. Soekarno merasa itu adalah kesempatan untuk menunjukan Indonesia yang baru kepada dunia. Bentuk perwujudan dari ambisi pembangunannya tersebut adalah dibangunnya sebuah bundaran yang bertujuan sebagai pintu gerbang menuju kota Jakarta, yang saat ini lebih dikenal dengan Bundaran Hotel Indonesia. Bundaran tersebut pada awalnya dirancang untuk menjadi sebuah penanda wilayah yang megah di tengah-tengah jalan Sudirman Thamrin yang lebar. Sebuah patung pemuda sedang melambaikan tangan sambil menggandeng seorang gadis yang membawa rangkaian bunga, ditempatkan tepat di tengah-tengah bundaran, menjulang tinggi diantara kolam air mancur yang mengelilinginya. Seolah-olah dengan gagah menyambut orang-orang yang melewatinya. 

Kini bundaran Hotel Indonesia mungkin masih menjadi salah satu penanda wilayah penting di sepanjang jalan Sudirman-Thamrin. Akan tetapi seakan-akan orang-orang sudah tidak lagi terlalu peduli dengan lambaian patung pemuda dan gadis tersebut. Mereka acuh lebih memilih memikirkan urusannya masing-masing.  Seolah-olah patung tersebut sudah kehilangan maknanya sebagai pintu gerbang. Bundaran HI sekarang tidak lebih dari ruang kendaraan bermotor yang tidak lagi sempat untuk dinikmati keberadaannya. Ia sudah lama kalah oleh hingar-bingar kemilaunya videotron dan papan reklame pada dinding-dinding gedung sepanjang Sudirman Thamrin, yang terus berlomba-lomba untuk mencari perhatian.

HOTEL INDONESIA 

Bundaran Hotel Indonesia dinamakan demikian, dikarenakan pada saat itu hanya ada satu bangunan tinggi yang mencolok di sekitar bundaran tersebut, di antara tanah merah dan bangunan-bangunan dua lantai, menjulang tinggi sebuah gedung 16 lantai bernama Hotel Indonesia. Sebuah hotel mewah bergaya modern yang didirikan khusus untuk menyambut pagelaran Asian Games keempat. Sang Arsitek, Abel Sorensen, sepertinya mengerti betul cara bagaimana menempatkan komposisi bangunan dengan baik agar dapat memberikan kesan yang monumental, sesuai gagasan dari Soekarno. Bangunan Hotel tersebut dirancang terdiri dari dua buah gedung. Gedung yang besar ditempatkan tegak lurus dengan jalan Sudirman Thamrin, seolah olah memaksa pengendara mobil untuk sadar atas keberadaannya yang besar. Sementara gedung yang kecil dibuat sejajar dengan ruas jalan, seolah olah memberikan kesan bahwa bangunan ini merupakan bagian yang tak terpisahkan dari Jalan Sudirman Thamrin. fasad atau muka bangunan ini pun dibuat seperti bangunan bangunan modern lainnya, sederhana tetapi kompleks. Tersusun atas pola jendela kaca yang berulang, menghasilkan keindahan yang terbentuk dari kesederhanaan sebagaimana semangat modernisme itu sendiri yang menjunjung tinfgu esensi dan kemurnian.

kembali kepada apa yang Soekarno bayangkan dalam gagasannya, Hotel Indonesia sepertinya merupakan sentuhan akhir yang sempurna untuk Sudirman Thamrin. Diawali dengan Jalan luas yang panjang membentang, dilanjutkan oleh bundaran megah monumental sebagai penanda wilayah, dan diakhiri dengan sebuah bangunan modernist megah yang melayang tinggi ke atas menuju langit.

Akan tetapi cerita Sudirman Thamrin tidak selesai di titik tersebut, setelah Hotel Indonesia, terdapat banyak bangunan-bangunan tinggi lain yang mulai tumbuh menjamur sepanjang jalan. Hotel Indonesia kian lama kian tertinggal, oleh lantai yang lebih tinggi, bentuk yang lebih besar, dan makna yang lebih signifikan. Kini bangunan tersebut hanya tinggal sebuah bangunan diantara bangunan lainnya. Siapa yang sangka, dulu ia yang terasa sangat besar, kini dapat terasa begitu kerdil.

CERITA SUDIRMAN THAMRIN SELANJUTNYA

Seperti yang saya katakan sebelumnya, bahwa cerita Sudirman Thamrin sampai saat ini masih belum selesai, ia akan terus berlanjut bersama orang orang yang hidup di dalamnya. Entah apa yang akan terjadi terhadap Jalan ini di masa depan. Apakah cita cita Soekarno akan Sudirman Thamrin masih akan tetap teringat dan dirasakan diantara ruang ruang jalan ini? atau malah hal tersebut akan semakin tergerus oleh kesibukan orang orang Jakarta yang bergumul  di dalam ruang ruangnya?

[1279777]

my life is an endless journey of proving and convincing my own self that im worthy

[1279777]

and then what?

it has been a forever dream for me to live abroad, it seems that everything that I have done during my undergraduate time is to be able to continue my study abroad. 

The idea was too strong inside me, I think, I even have this idea in the earlier stage of my life. Probably the idea of being born in a foreign country gives me a feeling that I have to go back to the outside part of this country, that I am actually not part of this society. Even though what is outside and inside is no more than an imaginary border of imaginary society.  

Besides, I was also grown up with ia big figure of my father in my head, forces my entire life to look up to him as a role model, creating a narrative fiction which embodied my idea of how to live my life: to be great, to exceeds what is normal, since I was born from something that is not ordinary. 

These whole things give me a feeling of the illusion of being a unique snowflake, that I am special, that I am more than a mere ordinary, that I'm destined to achieve something great. Pursuing a study abroad is one of the acts to prove that feeling, to prove that I have something more.

however, after I have done that I am kinda lost, there is a big what?

what else I need to prove? to fulfill this feeling

[1279777]

it is not fair, she doesn't deserve to be ended up like this

[1279777]

Sometimes I hope it is true that there is a God's plan behind all of this. I want to believe that eveything is really gonna be alright. I just can't see her being dissapointed again. It is really crushed myself to see her like that.

[1279777]

i think, even Nostradamus didnt see this marriage is coming. hahaha