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June 24th

I wish I could talk to someone about this jealousy I feel towards my sister's boyfriend. I can't though, because it might be mistaken for something incestuous, and more importantly because of the stigma attached to incest.

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June 4th

I really need to write diaries again. I can't keep writing/saying to people what I need to write in my diaries. It's a bit dramatic, but my social life is suffering because of it. Also, my mind is so dull these days, causing me to get so many things wrong. Hopefully I can get over it fast. I need to feel confident again. I don't need hurt pride to motivate myself. That doesn't work on me.

I want to get into deep conversations with myself about what I want in life, and consider leaving school. However, I can't do that right now. I need to study for the finals.

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February 2nd

My revision surgery is coming up. I've been more concerned with my transfer results until now, but suddenly all I can think about is the surgery. It's interfering with work. It's out of my control, so I don't want to think about it, if I'm being honest.

But if I'm going to inevitably think about it, I want to have more positive thoughts instead of "it can't get any worse than what it is now lol."

Good contour

Obviously this is why I'm choosing to go through this again. I want to wear fitted tops again. It will happen!

More symmetry

I know I can't expect much change, but hopefully there's a noticeable difference.

No complications

No hematoma, no trouble urinating, no sars-cov-2.

Smooth recovery

No stress. No family drama. Happy thoughts. Fast recovery.

No loss of sensation

At least nothing permanent. I'm hoping to get more sensation back in the coming years, as that's what I traded the aesthetics and the trouble of going through surgery twice for.

More confidence, euphoria, satisfaction.

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December 7th

This is so bad. My biggest weakness is that I am almost never on time, and I will cancel at the last minute.

I missed the second bus and that was it. I wasn't gonna make it on time. I feel terrible because my teacher bought the ticket for me.

And it was a 7:30PM play, so I spent the entire day thinking about it!!! I hate that I wasted this day, missed this opportunity, and above all, I hate the way I am. Honestly, I am not ready for life, professional or social.

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December 4th

I'm back! Sadly, I don't bear good news.

I've been so frustrated with life. Even writing this felt like a daunting task.

I've been so detached from my own life, and I feel like I'm always living in the future.

I love myself, and I know myself.

I do want to connect with people, but I don't want to explain my life as a disabled person to a non-disabled person! This isn't me refusing to be vulnerable. I'm just tired of people assuming things and questioning my lived experiences. I don't wish to be inspiration porn, either.

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May 2nd

Oops. That relationship indeed bit me.

They got upset over something that happened in the past, ignored me for days, then broke up with me over a 3-sentence text.

What a fucking joke.

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February 28th

My friend asked me out yesterday and I’m very close to saying yes.

I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass later. (Relationships get scarier as I age.)

Oh, my father got back from his work trip yesterday. I got misgendered again at the circus school. Yeah, lots of stuff happened.

But for sure, my friend asking me out totally outshined all of em👌.

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January 19th

Had lunch with my vegan acquaintance :)

Our photoshoot was kind of a mess, but it was chill in general. Much better than back when we met with 2 more people.

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January 14th

Back in a dance studio after being out of it for a million years, LOL.

It was a lyrical jazz class, and I was just... really bad at memorizing the choreography :(

Welp my memory is bad in general, so not surprised at all.

Oh, and all these workouts in table position... got my knees fucked up... I should somehow bail on them...

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January 13th

Turns out the new company's rate is lower than the current company's. Imagine my disappointment. :(

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January 11th

I skipped classes and instead slept SO MUCH.

I got misgendered today. :(

I hate my mom's passive aggressive comment, I hate that couple's loud arguments about drinking(?) at 12 am.

On the bright side, I passed the test I did last week... Will talk details on Friday. Hopefully they pay well. I checked around, but wasn't able to find rates other people were offered.

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January 9th

Finally got my practice license!!!!!! (Now if only my mom would help me practice...)

I'm honestly in awe. Didn't know I'd actually pass. Singing got my number(by Kim) got me through the anxiety, lol.

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January 9th

A week long circus school holiday ended.

I did tissue and lyra today, and I loved both sequences :)

I'm so glad I went despite being tired and all, hahaha.

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January 8th

I miss 재영 so much. I miss her volleyball.

I think she's like Tessa(Virtue) to me. In the sense that I'm not very interested in her as a person, but she's like a drug to me as an athlete.

I need her so badly. She's THE PERSON. If it weren't for her, there's no way I would've watched any other ball games.

I'll respect her decision if she decides to retire, but oh please, please, please. I'll do anything. I'll give her my knee (oop probably useless bc my knees are always in pain).

I want the world to be gentle with her. I want her to be gentle with my heart. I'm willing to stay, I'm willing to move, I'm willing to travel, I'll do anything if she'd just keep playing volleyball.

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January 8th

Mm, I couldn't do my best on my test translation, but I was extremely fatigued, so I guess it was the best I could do given the circumstances.

Not something I'm proud of, but I hope I still get hired. I need a new job. Real bad.

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January 8th

I just hate playing the piano. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. I just don't have the patience.

I can't get used to a piece. My fingers just don't fucking work. WHAT IS GOING ON?

I WANT TO PLAY, though. I just want to play well. I want it to come easily. It's just been so hard.

Even the easiest pieces annoy the hell out of me. I can't seem to play smoothly. I just can't.

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January 7th

I hung out with some vegan acquaintances. I actually really regret going out.

My knees hurt so bad, I was very fatigued, conversations were so uncomfortable.

I don't know why I wasted my entire day listening to people talk about idols, their types, alcohol, bible, etc.