17242224 - Tumblr blog

[17242224]

December 7th

This is so bad. My biggest red flag is that I am almost never on time, and I will cancel at the last minute.

I missed the second bus and that was it. I wasn't gonna make it on time. I feel terrible because my teacher bought the ticket for me.

And it was a 7:30PM play, so I spent the entire day thinking about it!!! I hate that I wasted this day, missed this opportunity, and above all, I hate the way I am. Honestly, I am not ready for life, professional or social.

[17242224]

December 4th

I'm back! Sadly, I don't bear good news.

I've been so frustrated with life. Even writing this felt like a daunting task.

I've been so detached from my own life, and I feel like I'm always living in the future.

I love myself, and I know myself.

I do want to connect with people, but I don't want to explain my life as a disabled person to a non-disabled person! This isn't me refusing to be vulnerable. I'm just tired of people assuming things and questioning my lived experiences. I don't wish to be inspiration porn, either.

[17242224]

May 2nd

Oops. That relationship indeed bit me.

They got upset over something that happened in the past, ignored me for days, then broke up with me over a 3-sentence text.

What a fucking joke.

[17242224]

February 28th

My friend asked me out yesterday and I’m very close to saying yes.

I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass later. (Relationships get scarier as I age.)

Oh, my father got back from his work trip yesterday. I got misgendered again at the circus school. Yeah, lots of stuff happened.

But for sure, my friend asking me out totally outshined all of em👌.

[17242224]

January 19th

Had lunch with my vegan acquaintance :)

Our photoshoot was kind of a mess, but it was chill in general. Much better than back when we met with 2 more people.

[17242224]

January 14th

Back in a dance studio after being out of it for a million years, LOL.

It was a lyrical jazz class, and I was just... really bad at memorizing the choreography :(

Welp my memory is bad in general, so not surprised at all.

Oh, and all these workouts in table position... got my knees fucked up... I should somehow bail on them...

[17242224]

January 13th

Turns out the new company's rate is lower than the current company's. Imagine my disappointment. :(

[17242224]

January 11th

I skipped classes and instead slept SO MUCH.

I got misgendered today. :(

I hate my mom's passive aggressive comment, I hate that couple's loud arguments about drinking(?) at 12 am.

On the bright side, I passed the test I did last week... Will talk details on Friday. Hopefully they pay well. I checked around, but wasn't able to find rates other people were offered.

[17242224]

January 9th

Finally got my practice license!!!!!! (Now if only my mom would help me practice...)

I'm honestly in awe. Didn't know I'd actually pass. Singing got my number(by Kim) got me through the anxiety, lol.

[17242224]

January 9th

A week long circus school holiday ended.

I did tissue and lyra today, and I loved both sequences :)

I'm so glad I went despite being tired and all, hahaha.

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January 8th

I miss 재영 so much. I miss her volleyball.

I think she's like Tessa(Virtue) to me. In the sense that I'm not very interested in her as a person, but she's like a drug to me as an athlete.

I need her so badly. She's THE PERSON. If it weren't for her, there's no way I would've watched any other ball games.

I'll respect her decision if she decides to retire, but oh please, please, please. I'll do anything. I'll give her my knee (oop probably useless bc my knees are always in pain).

I want the world to be gentle with her. I want her to be gentle with my heart. I'm willing to stay, I'm willing to move, I'm willing to travel, I'll do anything if she'd just keep playing volleyball.

[17242224]

January 8th

Mm, I couldn't do my best on my test translation, but I was extremely fatigued, so I guess it was the best I could do given the circumstances.

Not something I'm proud of, but I hope I still get hired. I need a new job. Real bad.

[17242224]

January 8th

I just hate playing the piano. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. I just don't have the patience.

I can't get used to a piece. My fingers just don't fucking work. WHAT IS GOING ON?

I WANT TO PLAY, though. I just want to play well. I want it to come easily. It's just been so hard.

Even the easiest pieces annoy the hell out of me. I can't seem to play smoothly. I just can't.

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January 7th

I hung out with some vegan acquaintances. I actually really regret going out.

My knees hurt so bad, I was very fatigued, conversations were so uncomfortable.

I don't know why I wasted my entire day listening to people talk about idols, their types, alcohol, bible, etc.

[17242224]

January 3rd

I feel so misunderstood by my blood relatives.

Honestly, I think they just hate seeing me be a 'failure' and not 'living up to my potential' according to their standards and their idea of success.

I'm doing the best I can. I really am. The 'useless things' I do are the things that keep me sane.

[17242224]

December 30th

Had a local vegan meetup.

It had a really friendly, comfy vibe.

We try to have regular meetups, but we weren't able to. The last time we met was in the summer I think, so people were surprised by my short hair, hahaha.

[17242224]

December 25th

Had an outing with a new acquaintance.

Good food, cute pic, etc.