Because I promised that I'll never go back to him and you said you'll come to me when you think of her or me.
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Checked.
Current location: Changi Airport Time: 0537 Mood: Flat It's been a long while since I am here writing perhaps it's because we stopped talking. There's so many things I wanna tell you about, like the things that I have gone through for the past year that zoomed past. How I lost partial of my memory in an accident while on a road trip alone in Melbourne, how I regained my memory about the sadness in my life & the stranger who tried to bring light to my path, how I know that mom was diagnose with something terrible & that I lost her within months. But. I just couldn't bring myself to. I felt very different this time round for texting you, I can sense that your motive is just for sex but not that you care for me. Whatever it is I guess the bottom line is, you don't care for me like how you used to when you were 20.5 & when I was 19.5. I'm glad that you are seeing someone new now cause I really hope that you will be happy. :) Goodbye. Sometimes letting go isn't a sign of weakness, it's a strength that we never knew we had until time.
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My life.
It has been awhile & I am starting to miss home. Living alone isn't easy but I am getting used to this kind of feeling. I kinda like how I am back to being able to live my life alone with no one else in it. Dated Ben again but I finally realized that being in love with him isn't the only thing in life. I had to move on, which I am glad I did.
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hey you.
Hey you, how are you doing? I hope you are good. Because I'm barely surviving, troubled by things that I don't know what's right and not. You used to be my light whenever I am being drawn to the black hole. Where are you? Where have you gone to?
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a year older
As the days past and count down to my birthday, I don't really seem to be happy at all. I feel lost and alone. Everyone's asking me what do I've planned for this year, but honestly, I've no freaking idea. Mum's asking me to come back and celebrate with the family, I don't wanna. Not because I don't miss them, it's because I don't know how to cope with the loneliness back home. I received another email from him two days back, asking me if I don't want him anymore. & I haven't found a reply to both of the mails he sent.
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I miss you.
But I don't know if you feel the same as I do..
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Weeks after weeks.
Sometimes I find myself missing the times I used to speak w A1 daily, with nonsense and bullshits. We were parallels and we always thought that I won't be the one who would get used to how we talked. Irony how things changed and turned out that I was more attached to you than you were to me. There are still times whereby I felt delusional, that I felt that it wasn't that I don't mean a thing to you, you just don't know what to say to me anymore, that you still want me in your life. Lol, I find it funny. Maybe it's due to the last fight we had, the one that I took a run to batam thereafter. I remember you said that you would tell me what were you thinking, that you still want me in your life and all but due to certain issues etc. It never take place. However, I'm still hopeful that one day you'll remember, and give me the much needed closing, even though we are just // lives. Till then, ash.
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His mail.
Today I got his mail & I was kinda surprised. It was a long email, in short, he said that they broke up due to a fight & mostly because he realized that he loves me still.
Flooded with our past memories, I typed a reply which I currently do not have the courage to send. I'm not ready to face this thing again with him, trusting him with my heart is too huge a risk to take. I don't think I can do that even though I know that I still feel something about us. I am really afraid that I can't control my irrational thoughts and run back to his arms once again. I feel like my head's gonna burst anytime soon, & there's practically no one that I can speak to about this. Sam will definitely be disappointed in me if I were to tell her how I feel.
Where are you, when I need you the most?
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Today, I felt alone. I went to the balcony and lit a cigarette, it seemed like hours.
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The world.
Currently on my way to chatuchak, the weekend market. Thanks Tae for taking time off to meet. Heh. Will be spending the weekends in bkk before we set off to visit other cities in Thailand. See you at their club tonight!:) It's been days since we talked/I sent the email. I'm back in Pluto,he's gone back to Mars. Earth is the past tense.
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Memory lane.
I took out the box that I use to keep things that's worth keeping, meaningful items. The letters that B used to write for me, the bracelet that he got for me, the fcuk watch that my mum got for my 18th birthday, the cards that baby and rest wrote to me, the card that I wrote to Ansen for his 21 attached to the iPhone 5 cover that I ordered from the states specially engraved. Every thing in this box had a story and meaning behind them. Each of it showed a different side of me, each of it meant differently to me. & now, I'm adding in one more item, the Starbucks cup that I got when I was in Taiwan. I smiled when I saw the cup at sis's room. & walked to my car, fighting against the disappointment. It's over. But it seems like a dream, that I never wished that it would happen.
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Letters.
I guess the thing that I learnt from last week's episode of my life would be living my days to the fullest. I'm looking forward to school to start & at the same time, I'm traveling around the places that I've always wanted to. Feeling the world with my eyes and mind. It has become a habit for me to write a letter each day in my email but not send it out. It's good enough, I've Him with me again. "For the Lord knows the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish"
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Need an outlet.
For the last few days, I was hospitalized and battled with dengue. My joints were red & swollen, I vomited, everything I see hurts my eyes, my face esp my lips were numbed & I couldn't speak. Fear got to me, I was helpless. I thought I was dying and the pain was unbearable, I started to cry. Mum spent everyday with me in the ward, taking care of me, assuring me that everything will be ok. It was a mental torture & every night, I dreamt of death. I'm afraid.
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Goodbye dear tumblr.
You’ve served me well for the last 2 months
Goodbye:)
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Today I was happy, or so I thought.
A long day out w Matt & I felt really happy cause for once I no longer keep signing into my whatsapp regularly to check my texts. I loved the things he done for me but yea, it doesn't feel right. Currently at sis' place & we had a long talk just now. I am glad that she's ok now & trying very hard to cope with her loss tho there are times she find herself ending up at his old place, reminiscing their past. Decided to text 20.5 properly, but it didn't turn out well. My whole mood changed when he asked me not to be nice to him that I should be nice to Matt instead. It just reminds me of how Ben used to treat me when things went wrong. I guess the problem lies with me since everyone's doing the same. Just not good enough for people, I suppose. Shit this shitty feeling that I'm feeling now. Why have I become so pathetic?!!! Le sigh.
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Pathetic
I’m like a little girl waiting for you to give me your attention & it has come to a point that I felt pathetic.
Whatever you said last night, you said before. I can no longer believe in your words cause you've changed.
I’m worse than pathetic.
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All I need.
All I need is someone to be there for me when I need it and when they know I do. But the feeling you are giving me is that I'm a burden to your life. You weren't like this before, you gave me the strength to let go of Ben and made things clear w him. Whenever I know that you need me, I always listen to you & give you my attention. After you are done, you are gone. I'm just someone to fill up the spaces in between your time slots or intervals w other people. & I guess it's time I stop being so pathetic.
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