199716

[199716]

1/7

i hate it

i hate it when i tell you something about myself in passing and you always, always respond to me with "haha, i know"

what do you KNOW??? are you saying, yes, i know that part of you, and i remember, and i am aware that you are the way that you are

how dare you. pretending that you are attentive, pretending that you have been observing. because why? what for?

why do you say that you know, as a response to me telling you something about myself that is random, sometimes intricate, sometimes entirely forgettable. why would you say you know with so much conviction, so much assurance? is it a reflex from years ago? is it just you being nice, but also lying?

it pisses me off, it pisses me off that i still think of you fondly with no ground to stand on. and i still overthink the things you say. the things you do

no way to substantiate this feeling that i feel other than the fact that it is just my subconscious circling itself around the thought of you

how unfair, how cruel, that i can't blame all of this on anyone but myself

how terrifying to think that i have felt the same way for the past decade

[199716]

turn the lights off - 2024

its the new year again.

I always feel strongly about new beginnings. ends. everything that starts will always come to a stop. an end. every beginning is an end. and every end is a new beginning.

there is something so overwhelming, big and enormous about things ending. I feel like I ought to accomplish things, and have them for show, but I always end up feeling like time has passed me like a speed train and I am left with all my baggage still waiting for a ride home. A passenger too late for the ride, or too distracted. to consumed by something else.

there is a certain kind of melancholy that I have been feeling lately. is it loneliness? is it longing? is it ungratefulness? I am not too sure. but what is life without such intense emotions that follow you around. they hide in plain sight, so subtle, so familiar.

my thoughts are scattered, as always. I'm pretty sure you know this by now. but I always like penning them down like this - I love its imperfections, the incoherence of it all is what makes this all real. so so real.

I always think that I am always introspecting - don't get me wrong, I do, but I feel like introspection works best when you write it all down. you make it real, seen, and tangible. because if you don't, it will get lost and jumbled up with all your other thoughts.

what should I wear today? how long would it take me to get to Mont Kiara from Ampang? what if this is all there is to this? am I being honest to myself? how long is this written submissions? is the deadline tomorrow? Am I losing my grip? Am I attentive enough, am I listening? Am I speaking sense? what do I feel like eating today? should I get sushi? what time is band practice today? Are we playing 5 or 6 songs? Am I doing enough as a child, as a friend? as someone who has everything in place for her to just pay attention to?

There are things I wish to change about myself in the new year. I feel like I don't sit with myself enough to identify what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. Life has felt like a long marathon. I feel like I have given away so much parts of myself to others, and it has come to my own dissatisfaction about my own time and space with myself.

I am still finding balance.

I am so much more than just what I can do for myself. I want to do more for others. I want to be there for others. However it has felt like my company is hollow, because sometimes I am not me. I am just a shell of someone who is moving from place to place.

I hope they don't feel like my company feels hollow. but I do, I feel like, I am so, all over the place. I wish I could offer more from myself. But I am everywhere, like smithereens, when I crash I am bound to hurt.

So this year I want to slow down. finding balance between spending quality time with people that I love and quality time with myself. spending more time with nature, going on long walks. drinking my favorite drink. finding joy in all the small things. because what if I could no longer live this life? what if this life is taken away from me.

I ought to be thankful always.

I'll see you next year, hopefully with a more peaceful heart.

[199716]

the art of remembering, the fear of forgetting

i think we take for granted how memories are practically tangible nowadays. we are able to keep bytes and bytes of memories from years ago, always given the opportunity to look back and reminisce. photos of the cat you had at 13, the videos you took of your best mates from high school, the embarrassing photos from when you and your friends just hit puberty. memories have become tangible - something to keep, something to frame, something to compile in a carousel. in prints, digital. so easily traced, so easily accessible.

and so what would become of us if all these tangible memories are lost, when we would no longer be able to keep photos, videos, recordings? would we be able to viscerally remember the feelings we had at 13, 18, 22? the colours, the experiences, how you felt at that particular moment?

would we be able to remember voices of those we no longer speak to? would we able to accurately depict in our minds the faces of those who have passed? if we longer have these tangible memories of the people we love, would the mere imagery in our nostalgic thoughts be able to evoke the same kind of emotions as it could now?

would we then be easily forgotten? would we lose the art of remembering, the art of keeping when memories are no longer tangible - memories could no longer be held close and safe in our bare hands?

what would become of us when our ability to hold on to memories rely solely on the strength of our minds to withhold them for years on end, without proof and evidence of the love that used to exist? what would become of the people we love when forgetting becomes easier and inevitable, how would they be remembered? and so when i die, does that mean that there is a chance that it would be like i never existed?

[199716]

bedsheets

ive changed the bedsheets thrice since you left. picked up the guitar again multiple times, wrote 2 songs which may or may not be about you, picked out clothes to give away from my closet twice since we stopped talking. drove to places ive never been before, wrote poems by the south china sea, stringed melodies that make up a song ill probably never finish, dragged my feet around with this heaviness in my chest - everyday since the day you decided i was just a placeholder to the love of your life.

but ive also reconnected with god, found my place in this world again, found that i am stronger than i thought - having had to go through the same thing over and over again just to figure out that i have not healed. finally realising that this is the time for healing. that i am finally sitting down with the grief that was long ago swept under the rug, i am finally telling this grief of mine, that it is time i set her free. i recognise this grief and anxiety from when i was just a child. and from when i was just a girl wanting to love a person, while forgetting to understand, validate, love herself. this grief has followed me around for so long, always reminding me, 'hey, you have not gotten rid of me yet. i am not here to stay'.

i have painted my nails twice since you decided to close the door on me, i have bled a countless times, walked on needles that you laid out for me. but i am still here wishing that the hurt and the pain you feel would find its end. i wish i had created a safe enough space for you to heal, but i know it is a work you have to do yourself, and it is not for me to hold out for as long as i could just for you to one day turn away and tell me you don't love me that way. i don't think that is a pain i am willing to endure anymore.

and i do miss you, a lot. and i wish things were different. i wish im at a place where i could imagine a future where i make you tea, and you make me happy. i wish that was a future that was possible for the both of us. standing by the kitchen counter, with my hands open and yours willing, understanding that this was it for the both of us - there is no more deliberating.

you have crossed my mind the same number of times the sun has decided to show up since the day we said goodbye. i don't hope for the same, but i do hope you feel the same warmth the sun accords for me.

26.03.2023

[199716]

alone

it is rather difficult to express myself these days - i am unsure why.

there is so much i wish i could put down in words, lines upon lines of self destructive thoughts. am i good enough? will i ever be? am i loved enough? will i ever be, loved?

i think it does get to me sometimes the fact that there is this loneliness that lingers. as much as i try to brush it off, i don't think i could discredit how horrible it sometimes makes me feel.

i wish there was a hand to hold, a love to hold on to. i wish i wasn't so alone

tonight by young the giant

27.08.2022

[199716]

i think having to deal with the consequences of other people's actions is such a pain that is often times under-addressed.

when they hurt you - you would have to find ways to heal, healthily. when they lie to you - you'd have to learn to trust people again, and this one takes a long while. when they disappoint you - you'd have to learn that not everyone is out to get you. when they treat you less than what you deserve - you need to unlearn the belief that you deserve less, and start setting healthy standards and boundaries for yourself and never settle for anything at all. when they leave you - you'd have to unlearn those abandonment issues it may have caused.

its been 8 months and i still feel like its so hard to even try to get to know someone because at the back of my mind i just feel like - whats the point?

sometimes i think there is no one for me - maybe i should learn to be okay with that. maybe i am okay with my own company, i have great friends, loving parents and people who genuinely care about my wellbeing.

[199716]

I think, to me, the best gift is to be immortalised.

Not in the way that I'd like to live forever, I think that could be quite daunting. I suppose you think so too. But I do think being immortalised through writing, this digital ink, is a nice way to live on for centuries to come. The way I don't have to go through trials and tribulations and yet, there is still some corner in this universe that my existence is being etched upon. Do you think people in the 3000s would have access to this already-archaic website? Who knows.

But also, that is how I'd like to remember you. I think your mere existence is a homage to what life is supposed to feel like - calming, peaceful, aware. 'Assalamualaikum', no wonder that's how we are supposed to greet each other. 'Peace be upon you' - I wish peace upon you. I wish you a heart that does not worry. I wish you a life free from anxiety. Did we ever notice how peace is so underrated? I know we say 'peace no war' all the time when we were kids but in actuality there are so many things that aren't peaceful in this world and it's not just wars. Sometimes even with ourselves, peace does not come easy.

But I do feel at peace when I speak with you, when I confide in you. No judgments, no pressure to have a linear track for my wretched train of thoughts; you never minded that my thoughts may scatter. You soak it all in and you always try to understand. And you always do.

I think that is such a great quality to have - do you realise that? Like I don't really need to explain myself so much when we speak, and even when I do, and when I do it quite incoherently, you still understand. I wish I was half as attentive as you are. And half as empathetic. Half as compassionate. Half as articulate with words to describe complex feelings that we feel. Sometimes I gaslight myself with my complexities, but my complexities are often times validated by you in the easiest way possible. You see me.

I think growing up the idea of romantic love was always glorified - that we have to find the one, that our lives have to revolve around that one person, that our life was made to be shared with them and only them. But did we ever stop and think how by glorifying that, we have actually shaped ourselves to be so small thinking we are only meant to share infinite pieces of our lives and ourselves with just 1 person?

I am glad I grew out of that. There are parts of ourselves that are meant to be shared with people who are sincere, honest, and truthful with us and the person we are. There are people who can touch us in the way we otherwise wouldn't be, there are people who can see us whole and we would let them. And you are one of them, and I hold you close to my heart.

I hope there is always light and love following you around, peace etched around your edges, wisdom hanging around your neck, gratitude in the palm of your hands, blessings after blessings. I hope life gives you meaning, even if only you would understand how. I hope you wake up everyday knowing that I am here, thankful that I found a friend in you. I hope whatever you've given me, and many others, will find its way back to you - all the kindness, the comfort, the presence, the love. All of it, all at once.

Happy birthday, I love you and I hope we find each other in every universe that exists.

[199716]

oddly familiar

it was quite odd, considering how much things have changed lately

i passed by a lot of places that we used to roam around together years ago, familiar corners that do not look quite the same anymore. city lights, rolled cigarettes, festive fountain shows, grass-carpeted benches. ikea dinners, mrt rides, early nights. how have you been?

i know we talk sometimes but everything has always been on the surface. i don't really know what you feel most of the time - are you happy with the life you live now? do you go to sleep with a lot of contentment in you knowing you are living the life you have always wanted? do you want this life for the long run? i have always wondered.

i don't think you think of me that much anymore, or even at all. but i'd like to have a good imagery of our unspoken connection and therefore i like to think that you do think of me sometimes. was i ever a significant part of your life? maybe i would never be able to know the answer to that - it would be too awkward to fall back into that at 25. it would just feel too odd and too out of character, to be asking you such a question when we have let years pass by pretending to be unfazed about each other.

the memories i have of you - of us, are scattered but they remain here in my hands. what am i to do with these? i don't think you see me the way i see you and honestly that is fine. this feels comforting in a way- that i don't really need to explain myself to you, ever

i don't think you would ever understand the gravity of these thoughts i have of you. i'd like to pretend like it doesn't really mean anything other than me, myself, romanticising a life i could possibly share with you

many things have happened but you have always been a constant

06.05.2022

[199716]

temperature: 26 degrees

the rain has been pouring.

but sadness does not fill up this cup i have for myself. i am content with the loneliness i have settled myself in. it feels like a warm evening, nothing extravagant - nice enough for a walk away from home and a stroll back home.

i know home now.

i still wait for those words to make their way to me, but i guess they would never come by - at least not in the near future. and i surprisingly am okay with that.

i have always been.

i don't sweep things under the rug anymore - but instead i accept them and i make peace with them, myself. i don't need your help nor do i need words of assurance from anyone.

it is a privilege to have found contentment in my own acceptance. i can move on, maybe not fast enough, but i can without dragging the dead horse across my room telling them "no, ill be okay". because i know i will, and i am already feeling it coming.

the stars may not align for me as i thought it would be, but it has for you - in the way i think you'd like them to. and i am so happy for that alone.

i was always reaching across the sea for you, but it has been a beautiful experience. the silent pining, the indifferent language we speak, the unspoken feelings - and i am putting an end to that, today.

i hope the light follows you all the way home. and i hope it follows me too.

6.03.2022

[199716]

[199716]

crossroads

i think im at a crossroads right at this moment. and i also dont feel like i am currently the best version of myself. but i guess that happens right? you dont feel like the best version of your self all the time.. thats just not how it works. sometimes you need to feel like youre the worst version so you know what you can improve.

i am just feeling a bit empty, a bit lonely. i guess thats what changes do to your life and how you see it. i like to think that there will be a moment in the future where i am content with where i am, not scared of the future, and always ready to embrace new possibilities and changes without anything holding me down.

i dont think anything is actually holding me down now, i just think that i can get complacent and i hate changes and i hate getting out of my comfort zone. i think thats a bad thing. but isnt it nice, and safe, to be in comfort? im not ready for any more big changes in my life, im tired

30.11.2021

[199716]

rust

the rust on your door- are you just going to look at it?

does it take an insurmountable amount of energy for you to get up and get it checked and perhaps remove the rust?

or are you just ignoring it on purpose?

is that what you're doing? is that what you're doing to me, too?

i think i am feeling very, very unseen. like that rust on your door. damn it, does it not bother you that its there?

does it ever bother you that i am here? or that even if it does, are you not going to do anything about it? am i here because you are doing me a favour? or am i here because you wanted me here?

i dont think its the latter.

will you stop by the door and look at the rust. you know it will eat up the bolts right? then the door will gradually be dysfunctional and eventually stop working completely.

is that your intention? perhaps i am reading too much into it but can you tell me if thats what it is?

are we like the rust on your door, slowly decaying whatever is in our hands, whatever we were supposed to protect - for the sake of skipping the effort of removing the goddamn rust.

..

are we?

29.11.2021

[199716]

dusk

life took a sharp turn and i am alone again

it is what i owe myself - to be true to myself and to be honest about how i feel without thinking of how others might perceive it

i have loved so hard and it is only right that i receive the same, unfortunately life isn't that simple and things can be extremely hard

i am in such great pain but i know this is what i needed to do. i wish things were easier. i wish i didn't fall so deep into the rabbit hole

love can be cruel. you can give everything and receive less than what you deserve - but its ultimately your choice to stay and be okay with crumbs or pack your bags and leave because you know you deserve better

love is not enough. there has to be commitment, there has to be consistency. there has to be openness, there has to be willingness. there has to be security, there has to be constant assurance. unfortunately these things do not come easy

after 4 years being absent, i guess i just need to spend some time with myself again and get to know her

17.10.2021

[199716]

as long as you care

Hey you,

I feel like you are slipping through my fingers as days pass me by. Is it that there is less love now? Less time? - Where you are in your life, where I am in mine.

I have been feeling like I can't tell you my deepest sorrows and my truest feelings. I guess it has been like that for quite some time - I have gotten scared at the prospect of being misunderstood and you let me get used to that. I guess it is too, my mistake, that I never really let you know me. But there was rarely ever space for me to speak what is it in my heart so that you understand, you never really reserved that space for me.

Why is it so hard? It shouldn't have to feel that way. You were supposed to be my safe space. Is that space occupied now with figments of our lives scattered around the floor, or did that space even exist at all?

I hope you know I love you, and I am willing to give so much more. But what is it that I could give, if there are parts of me you never knew of? Parts of me that you would see as a baggage I ought to leave just so I don't ruin our dynamic.

Figuring myself out has been difficult as adulting gets in the away. But I wish you had figured me out. How I wish you did.

[199716]

chipped

i think a lot of people know me as someone who is good at expressing herself, who is never afraid of vulnerability, who is never afraid to cry and to show emotions. but what i have recently figured out about myself after series of anxiety-driven weeks and mental breakdowns - is that i find it really hard to express myself when it really matters. i am afraid of confrontation, i am scared of speaking up about how i truly feel and that’s such a crazy revelation to myself. that i am afraid of being my true self.

so who the fuck am i even?

i think its becoming so tiring to constantly make sure that peace is maintained when in actuality i am, deep inside, not at peace at all. and it sucks that i have been repressing my needs and concerns for the sake of other people’s convenience and happiness. it makes me feel disgusted with myself, embarrassed even.

now it has come to a point that i feel like im losing my sense of self. i am losing my ground, what do i stand for? who do i live for? i feel like i have nowhere to run because no one really ever knows me and all the things ive kept inside for so long.

how do i come back from this? how do i take back all the pieces of myself ive broken down so that others could take them as they please?

i am chipped and broken and i dont know where to go. where do i run to? is there a place for me somewhere?

do i let them know? do i break down all these mounted worries and anxieties ive kept inside for so long? do i make them uncomfortable just so that i can take back some parts of myself?

i dont know. i guess now ill just run

[199716]

my lost youth

i want to laugh and run in the rain with my friends, feeling the droplets on our skin, not caring if it might make us sick the next day

i want to laugh so hard talking about the wack shit that happens in aikol while having ayam gepuk at econs with my friends in between classes

i want to strategize the easiest and fastest way to win at monopoly deal and curse my friends when they are simply better than me at the game

i want to sneak out of iiu and stay out until the sun rises. i want to sleep in the car and wake up in genting just enjoying the cold

i want to go to Nina’s room and cry about something that makes me upset

or plan what to cook, what to wear, what to study with the rest of my roommates

i want to play music so loud in the store room and do HIIT workouts with my roommates

i want to wake up late and still deciding to go to class bcos late is better than absent

i want to cry every time theres a test and im just not made for memorizing

i want to say good night to my roommates or randomly barge into their room to rant about something that happened to me that day even when their lights are off

i want get on coffee shop trips outside iiu in the morning just to have some change in my routine

i want to see my girls in class with their sleepy eyes and see them light up at the mention of “eh, ada tealive and ayam kunyit kat parking”

i want to go to awe or deens with shuffla detura and never run out of things to talk about. i want to send them funny tiktoks and see their reaction in real life

i want to take my classes seriously, ask questions, be attentive, see my lecturers often and say thank you

i want to get anxious for my live trial. i want to gag so much that people think im pregnant

i want to celebrate small wins with my friends. dress up and go to eat at klcc or jibby east

i want to just sit in my car and watch people just living their lives not knowing where theyll end up next

i want to let the girl whos walking alone in the rain ride with me

i want to send my girls back to their mahallah, and spend an hour in the car catching up because we missed lunch together

i want to walk by myself by the river from hafsa to uniq and get the best banana milkshake in town

i want to go get dumplings and chinese noodles alone at the cafe while watching modern family

i wanna call up aqilah and get in the car with her and just talk about our existential crises or just about boys and how they can be so emotionally inept

i want to be excited for thursdays - where classes end and the real fun begins

i want to dread mondays - but still have the best lunch and best conversations with my friends

i want to go out there and be happy doing the things i love most, singing, performing, taking over the world with my hate for the government

i want to go on dates with ash, hold his hand, watch him glow. i want to give him flowers and let him sit in the passenger seat. i want to adore him close up. i want to feel his warmth 

i want to feel all that is left of my youth, i want to embrace all of it. but i have been robbed of probably the most crucial phase of my life. its not just the pandemic but its also the incompetency of the government. i couldve had all this still. i am a sucker for experiences. i romanticise mundanity. and i am being robbed of them all.

i am terrified of the prospect of the future, having to adult and navigate life on my own, i wish this never happened.

[199716]

catching up

i have been trying to pen what i have been feeling about stuff in general but i havent gotten 1) the time 2) the right words to describe whats tangled in my mind

but i know for sure the new year scares me to the core in the way that makes me dream about things. theyre not scary stuff theyre just flashes of possibilities of the future that i don’t know if ill even be able to get through

honestly i dont know what im trying to say here but i just feel like growing older feels hopeful yet bleak because the world is so damaged and tired and i feel like no matter how much i want to try to seize life in its purest form i will always fail to make the world a better place

i think i have a problem with expectations. i expect a lot from myself and when i dont show up the way i expected to i just shut off and feel like everyone is out to get me. but it doesnt have to be that way and it shouldnt

my thoughts are scattered and im just tryna write down what im feeling in real time

but also my other problem is that i always feel like i just.. exist? like i dont matter as much as the next person? but what is this obsession with wanting to matter!!! you dont need to be. you matter to yourself. just get on with life and be at peace with it. why should it matter that i dont???? 

well this was supposed to be a 2021 resolution post but welp. i guess some things dont change

heres to hoping a less tangled mind in 2021