1crispy-pickle-blog

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10.25 - 6:16am

i miss my best friend more than anything. and i think he’s gone for good.

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10.25 - 4:15am

how could you do this to me

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10.17 - 4:37am

i’m starting night shift tomorrow so i’ve been trying to stay up so i can get used to being asleep in the morning.

i truly don’t know what to say. i hate who you are so much but i can’t let go of the person you used to be. i hate how i can’t remember how happy i was with you. i hate that this was a waste of 4 years, and a waste of 7 years of friendship. i hate that you knew everything about me and all my struggles and you walked away. i look at old pictures and videos of us and i can’t even recognize you anymore. i can’t remember what it felt like to be lying down on your chest or how it felt like to be wrapped up in your arms.

i read through some of our old texts today and i tried to figure out where it went wrong, but all i can see is that you just let me go. i stayed here fighting and you walked away.

i’ve always told you you gave me hope and your arms were like a home to me - but now i don’t believe that love exists and i don’t know who i am. i spent so much of my energy trying to make something work when you just threw me away. i believed you were the best person i knew, but that person could’ve never done what you did to me. he would’ve never hurt me like this. but maybe that’s my fault for believing in you.

[1crispy-pickle-blog]

10.15 - 10:56am

i’m leaving to go back to houston today- and i can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks. we used to hang out every day, and now all that time went by.

i read through our old snapchat messages when we had a fight and you kept saying we could make it through the 15 months. we only made 13. and now i’m so close to being done and you chose a trump supporter and abuser over your girlfriend of 4 years and best friend for 7. it just makes me so angry that you don’t care and aren’t phased by the fact that you destroyed me. you knew everything about me and knew how much i was scared to trust people and you shoved it right back at me. i hate that i could never hate you, but i also hate that i could never be in love with you anymore after this. 

every day a new snapchat memory comes up and i remember the person you used to be- the person i’m still in love with. i miss that person so much. he was the best person i had ever known and the one that i wanted to be with for forever. and now there’s just the shell that’s left of you: someone heartless. i don’t know where i went wrong, and i keep asking god what i did to lose everything. i told him that i was okay to lose everything as long as i had you- and that was taken from me too. i just miss my best friend. i miss waking up and feeling okay because i knew i had you- no matter what was going on in my day i knew i could come home to you.

but that person is gone and i have to live with the fact that he’s never going to come back - and even if he does i could never trust him again. i have to live with waking up every morning and feeling like something is missing. i miss who you were so much, but i can’t stand the person who you are now.

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10.11 - 11:08am

you hurt me so badly that i can’t even remember what it was like to be happy with you. i can’t remember any of the memories we ever had.

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10.11 - 11:04am

it seems like everyday i figure out how blind i was to the person you were becoming. it makes me so mad that i made myself believe that you were the best person i had ever known and that you could never hurt me like you did, because now the only one looking like an idiot is me. i’m so mad that my chest feels like i am burning a hole in it, and you could care less about how you treated me. i feel like i can never trust another person again.

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10.2 - 5:52pm

every day i thought of what i did wrong and what i could have done better. but then i realized that all of the things i said out of anger were because of something that you did. i think i hate myself because i hate myself for what i said or did, but then i realize that you aren’t sorry for the things you did either. i don’t know how to forgive myself. i don’t know how to stop being so angry with you.

i’m so mad that i never gave up on us, even after everything you did. i’m mad that you kept me hanging on for so long when i had a feeling that you were letting go. i hate that you kept me believing from the beginning that these 15 months were something we just had to go through when you didn’t care - you didn’t even try. it was always about whatever you wanted: the festivals and Madi, and it was never about what was going to make us happy.

i remember before the festival that you promised you were going to make us better and you never did. i was the one that reached out. and when you promised that you were going to call me and fix everything when you made more of an effort for Madi, and you never did. it was all so much heart break. 

i didn’t even realize until others around me had told me that you were selfish. you weren’t the person i fell in love with. you only cared about what you wanted and you gave up on us. and i think what hurts the most is that i never did even when i should have years ago.

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9.29 - 10:58pm

i’ve decided i wanted to keep writing in here because i felt like we never really had any closure, and also because i needed a place where i felt like i could think things through.

you’re still the only person i wanted to talk to about everything, and in the off chance that you may read this one day i hoped you could find these posts.

today at work was the first time i saw you after i dropped your stuff off at your house. the truth is, i’ve only been ignoring you because i don’t want to feel the anxiety that i feel when i wait for you to text - and now that you don’t really have feelings for me anymore, i wait a long time for those.

you don’t know the real reason why i left everything there that night, but let’s just say i was furious when i found out the things you had been doing.

i never wanted to feel this way, but by the way things ended i felt like these past 4 years were a waste. no matter how many times i pushed you away or “let go” i was still there, waiting and hoping that you’d be there to hold me. it hurts so much to think that it was so easy for you to throw our relationship away because of another girl who isn’t even worth it. it’s so hard to realize that our relationship never meant the same to you that it did to me. it’s hard to realize that you’re out here trying to find someone new when i was here all along.

i’ve been thinking about why god has done this to me. and i’ve been so mad at him lately. but i think the reason why he did this is because he knew i was never going to have the courage to let go of you, so he had to make you decide for us. i look through all the old pictures of us and all the videos i have of you, and i’m still so deeply in love with that person. but when i look at you now, i don’t recognize the person standing in front of me. it’s like i’m in love with a person who isn’t real, or someone who’s died. and it makes me so sad to look at you and see and feel a ghost. i have no love for the person you are now and it took me this long to realize it.

but i’m still here. being sad and confused and depressed about this- because i don’t know how i’m going to get over a person who isn’t there anymore. i look at our old videos and i forget about all the shit that’s happened with us because i was so happy to see the old you. i was so happy to see that person who made me believe in love again.

my parents asked me why i was still in love with the person you used to be and i said “because he was there for me when no one else was”. and i knew that deep in my heart for the longest time, but i couldn’t figure out what it was that you were there for- because it was so much. and then it hit me.

in the beginning of our relationship something happened that hit my family very hard. my parents were fighting like i had never seen them fight before. my mom was screaming at my dad, and throwing things at him, and my dad was threatening to leave - and he did. i can’t remember what the fight was about, but i remember my mom telling him to stay and telling him that she wasn’t going to beg but he needed to do what was right, and then he left. because both of my parents were mad at each other i was caught in the middle and my dad asked me to meet him at starbucks. there he told me that he wanted to leave and get a divorce, and it must’ve been the hardest thing i had ever had to hear. i remember hearing beautiful lies by birdy for the first time there. i remember feeling so happy to be with you, but so lost and confused because if my parents weren’t together - then love could not have been real. 

you were the one that gave me hope that night. i told you everything that had happened, and you told me about your parents and how they fight because they loved each other. you gave me hope that this was just something that they were going to get through. i remember thinking that night that i never wanted to keep fighting for you.

but now you’ve left and now i feel an emptiness again - the one that i hadn’t felt since junior year. i didn’t want you to leave; everyone leaves. but i guess this is what i get for being in love with someone who isn’t there anymore.

[1crispy-pickle-blog]

9.14 - 9:08pm

hello.

i remember when i first saw you. i remember that red lonestar jacket you used to always wear, those black basketball shorts and your black beats that i used to always steal just so i could figure out your music taste. i remember the time you laughed because i didn’t know that brownies were made out of chocolate, and the time that you had to perform a speech and you did this funny thing where you moved your feet back and forth. i think i knew in every moment that there was something about you, and i didn’t realize until years later that that was when i fell in love with you.

i fell in love with you when you held my hand at the band banquet for the first time, i fell in love with you when we kissed under the stars, and when we were rushing home after the drive-in movie because i was going to be late for curfew. 

i remember crying on the phone to you when my parents didn’t want us to be together, when i got rejected from UT, and the last night before you went back to round rock the next day. i remember seeing you crying when you left too.

to be honest, i can’t believe this is goodbye. i regret every time i yelled at you out of stress and every time i hung up on the phone with you. this was the worst time of my life, and you stuck through it with me, and i hurt you in the process. and i’m sorry for that. i’m going to miss our facetimes where we would do nothing but be different animojis and talk about where we wanted to travel in the world next. 

i love you with everything in me, and no matter what happens in our future: i believe in you, and i’m so proud of you. i hope you find your dream job, i hope you succeed in school, and i hope you are so happy that your mouth hurts because you can’t stop smiling. i wish nothing but the best for you, because you deserve the best that life has to offer. please pet phoebe, owen and brady for me, and if you ever need me i’m just a phone call or facetime away. 

i don’t know what life has next for us, but if you ever wanted to come visit you still have my key, or you can come to my graduation on December 13th at 3pm at the NRG center.

i love you and i hope to see you in our future

[1crispy-pickle-blog]

7.11 - 3:10pm

“if you love someone you tell them. even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing, even if you’re scared it’ll cause problems, even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground. you say it and you say it loud.”