2018-365newchances

[2018-365newchances]

So this guy has a lot of shit, and I mean a LOT.

He told me about his mothers alcoholism. She was an alcoholic ever since he could remember. Right from when his siblings were born when he was 5. She would get drunk from 10am until the minute she went to bed. On holiday he would have to help drag her from place to place and would have to tolerate her embarrassing him on flights and just being a general drunken mess.

One time when he got home from school he had to perform CPR on her. She had gotten in the bath completely pissed and started to drown. No child should ever have to witness or be a part of that. Not only that, but she also crashed the car multiple times whilst him and his siblings were in the car. She literally could have killed them. She also flipped the car whilst she was drink driving on her own.

Surprisingly she did used to have a job. She was a travel agent. However she used to drink at work and once she got reported for it and was arrested for drink driving. What kind of a mother is that?

She’s stolen his and his siblings money to fund herself for a house, a car and most importantly..alcohol. She forged her Mum’s signature and stole like £6,000. Disgusting.

Her liver ruptured multiple times. The family always wanted to keep her life support on and for her to get better. But the fourth time her mother had said that they’re just delaying the inevitable. They turned the life support off. 

She died when he was 13. 

[2018-365newchances]

Shit’s getting weird in this place. I held it together for about 3 weeks but I’m already massively cracking under the pressure of it all. Having to constantly hide a massive part of who I am. I wish I could just tell everyone and everyone be absolutely fine with it. I know for a fact they would talk behind my back even though they're nice girls, people just can’t seem to understand it. 

Finding out about Grandad having alzheimers is also so hard. I drank last night just to try and forget about it all to be honest. Nan’s dead and now Grandad is eventually going to forget who I am. 

My confidence is falling to an all time low. I hate this. I hate myself. I’m doing no work because I can’t concentrate. I am already so behind and now my parents are going to be down this weekend and they’re going to grill me about it all. I’m anxious and scared. I want it all to go smoothly but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

I miss Matt so much. Only he could heal me from all of this pain. All of these secrets and all of the lying. If he could just want me and accept me then everything in my life would be complete. I could happily die tomorrow. But that’s not the case. He doesn’t love me or give a shit about me in the slightest. I will never get over him I swear to God, he is the reason my heart beats. He’s my sun, my stars, my everything. How am I ever supposed to live knowing that he doesn’t love me the way that I love him? 

[2018-365newchances]

Things are weird in this place. My highs are so super high yet my lows are awful. This whole boy situation is so much pressure and I think it’s really getting to me. There’s always pressure of shagging. Like fucking hell I’ve known this guy for 3 days, and no I shouldn’t feel bad for ‘the poor boy’ because I haven’t shagged him!

Although he is a bit cringe and wet he does seem like a genuinely nice guy. That could be useful to me. To have someone to fuck with but also be friends with that is a guy is good! I don’t want a boyfriend, do I? I don’t want to be consumed by a guy at uni. So keeping things low key and casual will work in my favour, I just know it.

This guy is a bit of a God-send though mind, Such a mature, out going, confident, self-made, gentlemanly guy. Didn’t try to kiss me or do anything yet he still wants to talk to me now and meet up. Definitely going to be cautious, but I think he's a keeper. (He’s already said to me that i’m a keeper, like gheeeeez I’ve known you 5 minutes chill out). 

[2018-365newchances]

So uni is a bit wild like.

This new Tom, Tom B as we call him, is such a lovely boy. First met him when he came down to ask our flat how their noise upstairs was and we all took to him straight away.

He intrigues me. He’s so mature, way beyond his years. When I asked him about it he said he’s ‘seen a lot of shit’ that made him grow up quick but was reluctant to tell me any more than that. He said perhaps it’s a ‘story for another day’. I mean, fair enough, he doesn’t even know me. But it’s weird, there’s like a known trust between us already and we don’t even know each other. I let him sleep in my room last night, him in the bed and me on the floor. He didn’t try it on, nothing happened, not even a kiss. Is he actually a gentleman or is he just playing the long game for a shag? I want to find out more about him. I just find the ‘talking’ stage so difficult and uncomfortable. We were supposed to be going out this evening but I cancelled. I can’t face it, i panic and suddenly feel so shy about the whole situation. I know I like him from what I know of him so far. However, I’ve literally met him 3 times so I need to make sure I don't jump the gun and get excited about something that may never happen.

[2018-365newchances]

ahhaahhah

[2018-365newchances]

It’s really difficult trying to come to terms with the fact that tomorrow is the last time I will have the freedom to just drive down the road 10 minutes to your house. That after tomorrow you’ll be hundreds of miles from me with no idea of the aching love that is pent up within me.

In some ways, I wish you knew. I wish you knew so then the responsibility of my sadness is on you. If you know I love you and you choose to ignore it then that’s your problem, not mine. However because I’ve not been 100% honest, the ball is in my court and this pure heartbreak is down to me. Not you.

I’ve written you a letter. Wether or not I ever give it to you is still in the question, but at least my feelings are written down (finally) and not just spinning round my head. I wish I have the bottle to actually give it to you, but i’m such a coward I don't think I can. What’s even the point now anyway? I’ll give it to you tomorrow and then I’ll be off to Wales straight away the next day. There wouldn’t be an opportunity for us to talk even if we wanted to. (Which I can’t imagine you would anyways..because you never do.)

A part of my heart will always, always belong to you. No matter who I meet, end up with etc, I will always truly be yours. Nobody can ever change that from either side. I love you. Always have and always will.

It sounds psychotic but part of me wishes I had gotten pregnant when we slept together. That way I would have a hold over you and a constant way of speaking to you. An excuse, almost. That way you would have to acknowledge me and respect me and nobody could taunt us for speaking. How stupid is that!

[2018-365newchances]

It’s so torturous. The pure anxiety of constantly feeling in the dark. Never quite knowing what’s going on or what’s going to happen. Having to continuously live as though today could be the day. It’s exhausting.

He surely must know that I am in love with him. I have never come fully clean and told him, but my actions suggest that fact. I love him. His lad’s holiday is nearly over, thank god! The whole time I’ve just wanted to message him asking if he’s okay, if he’s safe, if he’s having a good time etc. But I can’t. It’s not an option. 

I spoke to him the day he left. Admittedly not about something I’d particularly want to be making conversation about. But nonetheless it was conversation and hopefully I was somewhere near the front of his mind as he left.

There’s only a couple of snapchat stories that have upset me. Which is a result in all honesty as i thought i would see a lot of things that I didn’t like. One of his stories was a picture of him and a girl which made me heart break. Did they kiss, sleep together? What’s happening! And then yesterday there was a snapchat story like ‘I love Iona’. WHO’S Iona?! It was clearly one of the lads, or her, on his phone but it didn’t come from nowhere. There’s obviously someone he’s met out there :(

When he’s home I want to meet up. I want to ask what the hell has been going on. What the tattoo is about, who Iona is etc. But i can't :( I am hesitant to even snapchat him asking if he’s had fun. I’ve made a point to do nothing to interfere with his holiday as i know that would put him right off me. I don't want him to know that i am a complete and utter psycho...

Before I head off to uni there’s no doubt in my mind that i am going to have to lay all of my cards on the table. I need to do it...for my mental health! Having these toxic, self-loathing thoughts for almost 5 years really wares on a person! I need to tell him absolutely everything. Everything I did as a result of being brutally dumped. The danger I put myself in when i was 14. My loss of love for dance. Losing who I was and just generally being destroyed as a person. Him being the reason for all of my relationships ending. Just completely losing who the real me is. 

I have no idea how he’ll take it. Or if I’ll even get the chance to tell him seeing as he never meets up with me (UGH). I just know that I cannot go to uni with the ‘what ifs’. What if i told him how i feel, would he feel the same? would he apologise? would he have an explanation of what the fucks been happening the last 4 and a half years? Going to uni never knowing would probably cause my mental health to deteriorate and ruin any potential future relationships. And i can't have that! I need closure to the situation.. its been years! Wether it’s him saying ‘you know what, i love you too’ or it’s him saying ‘i’ve never felt the same and if i knew you did i wouldn't have shagged you’.Whatever he says will most probably damage me and hurt me so much but I NEED TO KNOW. I NEED CLOSURE. 

:( :( :(

Hoping he comes to prom. I want to look amazing so he is like ‘wow’. I want us to get a photo and convince him to come to after prom. Once he’s there i can seduce him ahahaha and be like ‘who do you think got you on the list?’ Then we can go back to my friend’s or his and shag. But not shag, make love. I can remind him of all the stuff he told me about his family and about him. There’s so many memories and stories he told me and I remember them all. His life is more important to me than my own. I want to show him what we had WAS real, despite the fact we were only 13. I really did love him (and still do). The compassion I had towards him was genuine and i’ve never stopped caring. 

I love him so much. I want to heal him of his broken past. I know he’s troubled and to be honest, a complete mess. But he doesn't know i know that. He's just going along with life like everything’s fine. Even though in reality all of his relationships are going to shit. This whole time all he's needed is a steady girlfriend. To be his rock through all of the hard times he’s faced. Unfortunately i blew that in year 9 and he never had that. He never got a girlfriend after he and i broke up. On the one hand i am overjoyed about that! Of course i don't want the man I'm in love with to find someone else. But on the other hand, i wish he’d had someone over the last few years to confide in and do the job i’ve always wanted to do - just look after him. He’s needed help and support and i’ve never been able to give it to him. Is it too late?

Gutted. 

[2018-365newchances]

Wow. How a few days can change absolutely everything, unbelievable.

Firstly, we went out to Poos for a Wow Mondays and despite Matt being out I didn’t speak to him. He walked straight past me, no eye contact and I felt so rejected:/

Near the end of the night i see Marns all cosy with him in one of the booths. And someone told me I was cockblocking by looking at them. LIKE WTF WHOS COCK AM I BLOCKING! Marns can't have him!!!! She can have literally any other boy thats been in my life, Dan, Harry, Rob i don't care! BUT NOT MATT.

I find out that apparently all they were talking about was me. He said all this deep stuff about he and i having a connection and that even though its been 5 years we still know each other so well and that he's told me stuff that he's still never even told his best friends. So now my head is totally messed up. Because i have ALWAYS thought its been one sided. I’ve always loved him and he's never felt the same way. But now I know he talks to his mum about me and thinks we keep our barriers up with each other i just think, maybe i do mean something to him? Just maybe.

I had to message him and tell him about the thing. Which was obvs really difficult but I'm glad I've told him because he deserves to know. He refused to meet me though which upset me. I can't work out why he didn't. If he cares about me the way he says he does to Marns then WHY does he say no to seeing me for 30 minutes? Was it because i suddenly sprung it onto him that night? Did he think i was going to tell him about my feelings and then that would cockblock him for his holiday? I don't know. But his actions and words don't correlate. He acts like he doesn't give a shit about me. Fucking me and then chucking me and ignoring my existence????? But then said to me and MArns like ‘oh i havent had a gf since her and I've never had a connection with anyone like i did with her’. MY HEAD HURTS.

And now he's on this FUCKING LADS HOLIDAY. Him doing things without me knowing has always been hard. But now that i know theres more than a 0% chance of something happening between us it makes this 10000X harder. He’s gonna shag, he even told me he has condoms. He's gonna have a sick time with the boys (which is lovely) but why does he have to pull girls :( i love him so much, why can't he feel the same way back. We’re made for each other, soul mates.

Im sat here panicking about his plane journey. I can't even ask him if he's landed safely or not. Im tracking his flight, and that probs makes me a psycho but i don't care! I can't say sorry for caring about him! I LOVE HIM.

He said if i still wanna meet after he's back from Malia then we can. But that was regarding the thing he now knows. So idk if he still will meet me. I just think we have so much to talk about. All the stuff he says to his Mum and Marns, but never to me! We need to have a sober talk. Just me and him. If he's just in it for a shag then whys he saying that stuff to Marns? He's had sex with me so thats that, there MUST be more he wants?

If i see him in the club then OBVS i will try to go home with him. Thats all i want. That’s what my heart wants. Maybe we’ll fall asleep together again and he’ll say ‘cuddle me then..’ SO CUUUUTE. He knows theres something still there between us. Its always has been him and me and now we’ve got off 3 times in a row in clubs its showing to STILL always be me and him.

ALSO, he hasn't slept with anyone else since me. That was over 3 months ago now. That makes me a FUCKING VERY HAPPY GIRL!!!! But i have the fear he will now on holiday :( Maybe what I told him will put him off and he won't??? doubt that though.

His 3 closest friends on the holiday are wifed up so hopefully they’ll all just have a nice time as the ‘lads’ and not really be actively looking for girls. Either that or Matt will be the focus of girl attention cos his mates have girlfriends. Like maybe all of them will be set on wing manning him? so frustrating. I just wish i knew that if he knew how i honestly feel about him would he still go and pull? Or does he do it cos he doesn't know the extent of my feelings?

The temptation to go round his house and ask his mum if he's safe and okay on holiday is so high. I wanna explain to her that i can't message him and cockblock his holiday but at the same time I'm worried sick about him. It’d be okay. She knows who i am....but then its really awkward. And if she told matt he’d probs be so mad at me:( I don't know what to do to be honest.

I’m dreading seeing all of the boys stories of matt tbh, I don't care all the stupid ones of him naked, drinking etc. But if theres any of him with girls at all and they're like ‘ayyyyyyy yes dawsyyyyy!!!” i will genuinely feel absolutely heartbroken.

Its scary to think this won't be over soon. Cos I'm going to uni in september and FUCK ME I NEED CLOSURE BEFORE I GO! I can't go away never knowing what could've been. I have to tell him how i have felt and am feeling this summer. Thats scary. Its scary if he says ‘i never felt the same way’ cos that will FUCKING hurt so much. Especially as he's shagged me. But equally if he says ‘we could have something’ and then i fuck off to swansea for 3 years doesn't really work does it. I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET. Im tryna kill time while he's flying but he's still not due to land for another 2 and a half hours.

I need help with this confusion over Matt. Does he like me or not? These are things he's done and said which have either suggested yes, he does or no, he doesn't

YES -conversation with me in Poos X2 -conversation with me in Weir -shagging me -his conversation in Poos with Marns -telling his mum about me and about us having sex -never had a girlfriend since me -letting me keep his shirt -helped me at after prom -gave me his shirt in Poos

NO -ignores me when we're out -barely spoke to me after we banged -mugged me off about the after prom -ignored my Facebook 'can we talk?' message -ignoring snapchats -gets with and shags other girls -wouldnt meet me -awkward about me giving him his Pull&Bear shirt back -awkward with me the morning after we banged

[2018-365newchances]

This is it. This is getting too unbearable now. I have fought for so long. For such  a long time I have done everything in my power to block out the feelings and the hurt, but I cannot go on much longer. This is absolute torture.

Never knowing how he feels or who he’s talking to or who he’s shagged since me. It plays such mind games for me and I can't take it, I'm not strong enough. I’m trying to make it through my A Levels but this is like the heaviest weight on my shoulders that I just can't get rid of. I love him so much. I am completely and utterly painfully in love. Absolutely head over heels in love..

The fact that he doesn't care is probably the worst. I wish he cared about me. Why am I never good enough for anybody ever? Why am I such a fuckup? 

My heart feels so super heavy but completely hollow simultaneously ... makes sense ughhhhhh. It’s been almost 5 years since we got together, this is ridiculous now like :( 

[2018-365newchances]

It’s so specific, so....particular. 

You go to work, and every time without fail you come back and go to the gym for around an hour to an hour and a half. If I want to stake you out, it’s as though you’re making this too easy. Everything about what’s happening seems a little too easy.

I’m suspicious.

I’m laying low and keeping myself to myself. You still have no idea how much you consume me. Even after we did, well, what we did. I think you seem to have the idea that now you’ve ‘given me what I want’ that somehow I’d abandon the idea of you. Oh, how wrong you were.

Never have I ever felt a stronger desire to have you. 

And I will. I will have you again. Summer’s coming up... Better watch out. I’m coming :) 

[2018-365newchances]

Something’s happened. Something that I am in no way used to.

It’s like your curse over me has been lifted. I am no long fixated and bewitched by you. I feel like I am my own person.

It’s strange. I’ve always felt empty and truly, from the depths of my soul, believed that you were the missing part of me. I thought that us together would be an image of perfection. That our chemistry was so electric that it would send the butterflies in my stomach crazy when we finally decided to be together.

But after fucking you, my fantasy turned out to be ..well...just that.. A FANTASY. And the thing about fantasies is that they never live up to anything in reality.

I am hoping that this isn’t just a passing feeling, but that this is in fact my closure. My well deserved closure after 4 and a half painful fucking years. Is there a possibility that Jake has captured my attention and that has taken the fascination off Matt? If Jake and I stop talking would I go back into my old, toxic, downward spiral? Hopefully not.

But this is dangerous. Does this then mean that Jake is my coping mechanism? Because if that’s true then I am fucked. He’s so hot and cold and he stops talking to me all the time like it’s nothing. My head’s gonna be messed up. 

[2018-365newchances]

Honestly, why do I turn into a spastic whenever I engage with you?

First I cry at after prom, playing it pretty cool if you ask me.... ahahaha fuck my life that defo scared you off massively.

Then after we got off in Weir I messaged you lots, like jesus I should’ve just left it and shown you that I CAN be laid back about stuff. I just don't ever want to feel like there’s been a missed opportunity. So I end up going in at 100mph, which on reflection is perhaps a scare strategy..which is NOT what I’m going for! 

And now I see you in 11′s and I fucking 2 foot you....am I a fucking retard? Why did I do that? I look like a psycho bitch and I have no justification for it. Plus I'm constantly calling you a cunt. Defo a good way to get into your pants isn’t it...

[2018-365newchances]

Ok. So I thought I knew pain. I did. I experienced it for 4 long, hard years. The agony and weight I felt on my chest was unbearable so frequently that I often hoped that something would take me away so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. But now, now that I have experienced this, I feel a whole never level of worthlessness. 

I suppose I’ve been fucked and chucked before. Will from NQ shagged me. No condom, no sweet-talk, no talking..just sex. And after I suppose yeah I was a bit shocked but my heart had no effect given. It was what it was. A shag. But with Matt it’s so different. My heart has felt nothing. It’s felt heavy and painful but ultimately it feels totally empty.

Who fucks their ex and expects nothing to come of it? He has to realise that I like him. That’s why I cried hysterically at after prom, why I made such an effort and why I was such an easy pull to him. He must know that I’m in love with him, despite his druggy tendencies and all of his (many) imperfections.

I feel so used. And that is the worst feeling I have ever felt. Knowing that I was sweet-talked into bed, fucked and then left days after. No explanation. He just stopped messaging me. It makes me feel like I never have been and now am still not good enough for him. Will I ever be?

[2018-365newchances]

“But how dare you,“ she said quietly, "how dare you give me hope only to take it away again. "How dare you let me believe that we could be something when all along you knew that we were nothing.””

— Sue Zhao // Nothing but Strawberries #2

[2018-365newchances]

I cannot believe I’m saying this,but, it’s finally happened. We’ve had sex. Marns and I had prinks at hers and we were having a dilemma because it was snowing outside so we weren’t sure if going to Bath was the best idea. Plus Marns wasn’t really feeling going out so I had to convince her that we’d have a peng girls night and that she should defo come out. Outta nowhere she messaged Seshi saying to come out to Bath aswell like an hour before we were due to leave and to our surprise he said okay. Greg went over to his and we all decided to walk to the train station (to get the bus replacement) together. We knocked on Seshi’s window and Greg opened his door and offered us to wait in the heat while we waited. We walked to the train station, which is a bit of a blur, and the twins, Greg, Seshi, Marns, Kelly and I all got the bus. When we got to Bath the original plan was to go to Bridge but we found out everyone was in Poos. So we went to Poos. As soon as I got there I saw Jake and he hugged me and said hello and stuff. I told him I hated him because he ended our streak to which he replied ‘yeah, but that’s all it was to you, just a streak’ (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!?!) Then he looked behind me and said ‘so what’s happening with you and Matt?’ and i was like “Me and Matt? Nothing.’ And Jake goes ‘well he’s stood right behind you so you might wanna talk to him’. I looked round, saw Matt and shit myself! He asked if I wanted to go for a chat, so we did. We sat in the booths and talked/got off for ages. Before we knew it Greshi (Greg and Seshi) came over to tell us that everyone had gone and we were the last ones in there out of our group. We were like shit. They said that we should all leave so we did. Matt and I were following them but because we were behind he and I just trailed off to a cash point instead. We both got £20 out and we stumbled across Bath to find a taxi and he booked a taxi under the name ‘Matthew’. We were bantering in the taxi and he was trying to get off with me ahaha. When we got to his the taxi came to about £38 which is so fucking expensive. We got out and I thought i’d double check the seats and I found Matt’s phone so it’s a good thing I checked! He was snowballing me the little shit and he was like ‘lol you’re gonna be snowed in at your exes house’. We went in and he got a drink and I fell over in his lounge. Plus his cat, Ebony, ran down the stairs and gave me the fright of my actual life. We went upstairs and he put ‘Just Go With It’ on. He got changed into his boxers and we sat in bed for a bed and got off. Before I knew it we were both naked and we were getting freaky. It happened. But he didn’t finish off because he was so drunk, which is fair enough. It’s just annoying because i’ve been waiting 4 years and now that it’s finally happened I wanted it to be done properly!

We finished and were both falling asleep. He was like ‘cuddle me’ and we fell asleep together.

[2018-365newchances]

18.03.18

Poos Taxi Snowball Shag Cuddle Lift home

[2018-365newchances]

So our streak actually ended up coming yesterday evening. He fell asleep yet again and again i had the fear that he’d open my message and not reply. But he did. 

It’s weird because his messages to me sound so uninterested in what I'm saying. Like he legit gives the deadest replies even though i send him like quite lengthy messages. I don't get it cos he messaged me first? And surely if he didn't wanna talk he would just say or stop replying. He’s never had a problem ignoring my messages before. 

He flirts n then when i do it back he goes weird and is really blunt. 

I don't know if his friends know he talks to me, not that it’s a big deal. But he’s at work and took a picture with his friend putting his middle finger up at me. Surely his friend would've asked who he was sending it to. It makes me paranoid that they were bitching about me and saying I'm desperate or a loser or something :( Like yes i am ‘easy’ and ‘desperate’! But only bcos its him! I wouldn't be like that with any other boy. 

I feel so embarrassed and awkward because he clearly isn't interested. Like his replies always sound like he wants the conversation to die, yet I'm embarrassing enough to ignore it and just change the subject n desperately find something to talk about. I know its embarrassing and like i said, i wouldn't do this with anyone else! But i only get one chance of him messaging me and showing even the vaguest interest in me. So i wanna feel like i did everything i could. I made constant conversation, bantered him, reminded him of memories etc. If he stops replying at least i will know i did everything i could to make him like me. 

I wanna test him n ignore one of his messages and see if he messages me saying ‘thanks for airing’ or just something. But it’s too risky because i just know that ill ignore his message and then that will be it. He’ll probs think thank god for that and then never message me again. Fuck this is breaking my heart and fucking my head. i JUST WANT HIM TO WANT ME. 

I think our streak will hit 4 tonight but tbh i think I've ran out of luck. I never thought we’d talk for 4 nights straight and it’s a fucking miracle like honestly. But i can't be naive and think this is gonna carry on for a week or even more. Tonight might be the last night and that hurts so fucking much.