2019bec-blog

[2019bec-blog]

gentle reminder

you will always be the most important person in your life - treat yourself like that whenever you are able to, please

[2019bec-blog]

Okay so I dropped off and got a bit lazy with updating this, but feel like it’s good to be able to vent and monitor my own progress so going to try use this platform a bit more.

I’ve had a up and down few weeks with mental health and weight fluctuation, and finally saw a counsellor yesterday which felt great!

Here is me after a quick 18 minute HIIT workout in my back garden.

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

Sweaty and red photo after a very intense gym session this morning! Felt so good waking up early on a Saturday and not being hungover or regretting eating bad foods the night before :)

Been an up and down week this week, had a job interview and did lots of exercise, but waking up at night having panic attacks which has been strange. I have no problem getting to sleep, but I always wake up 2-3 times a night in the most panicked states. Weird.

Off to a place called Moore river tonight with my boyfriend and his family. Hopefully it goes well!

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

I am beginning to realise that I live in a constant state of fear. Fearful of situations or things that haven’t actually happened. I’m always thinking ‘what if’. Thoughts like: What if my boyfriend stops loving me tomorrow? I’m afraid my friends might find me annoying/too much/not cool enough.

I need to stop living in fear and worrying about potential situations, and instead take each day as it comes and live in the moment and love and appreciate what I DO have and what IS happening.

It’s going to take a long time I know, as this has been my thought pattern for so long now. But I think by recognising this its hopefully one step closer to getting a more healthy thinking pattern?? Idk?? Maybe??

[2019bec-blog]

To say a person is a happy person or an unhappy person is ridiculous. We are a thousand different kinds of people every hour.

Anthony Doerr (via quotemadness)

[2019bec-blog]

So today was a good morning, I woke up early and went to the gym without any hesitations (it normally takes me so long to work myself up to go).

My workout was:

warm up: theraband glute activation, supine bilateral core strengthening with 3kg arm weights.

Strength: -Crab walks with theraband, -4kg weighted lunges, -4kg weighted jump squats, theraband core + arm combo, and sumo squats.

Then I did 5 mins on the rower. (my boyfriend recently told me that the rower had different levels on it, which I never knew! turns out I had been on level 10 the whole time, no wonder I could only last a minute!)

To finish I did 1 min walk, 1 min run on and off for 6 mins. (I’m gradually trying to get back into running pain free with my physio, so this may seem light)

I’ve been feeling very anxious this week after a weekend of drinking heavily which I was dissapointed in myself about. I am also supporting a friend through a bad breakup which has also taken quite an emotional toll on me as well. I’ve been trying really hard to do meditation, be mindful and be in a healthy mindset to take care of myself

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

Today has been a really bad start to the morning after a really great and positive few days. I’m sitting in my car at the gym crying writing this. I just needed to leave the house, I can’t even work out due to pain but I just needed to go.

I played soccer for the first time in months on Tuesday. It felt great to run again and I felt really happy. But that night and ever since then (it’s been two days) my adductors and pelvis have been too painful to exercise. I just hate that I can’t workout like I want without pain. People say “oh just do this or that” but they don’t understand that I can’t. They think I’m giving up or being too weak but they don’t hurt like I do.

This morning my mum was being in my face and making me feel shit about not finding a job and I just felt so much anger and hurt. I guess it made me feel bad in myself as I have been feeling really shit about no one hiring me but I didn’t need her to remind me.

I couldn’t snap out of it so went to my room to try and find a video about snapping out of bad moods, and tried some breathing exercises. But my mum wouldn’t leave me alone and kept coming in and it just made me feel so much anger and I hated myself for feeling so bad.

Yesterday my boyfriend went out for lunch with a really pretty and skinny lawyer friend he has and It absolutely broke me. I’m scared he’s realising how many more successful and slim girls there are out there and he’s going to leave me and I can’t get those thoughts out of my head, even if they are irrational. I tried really hard to calm myself down and think rationally and positively when he was out with her but my thoughts are too strong right now.

I’ve been trying to do calming deep breathing when I feel like this, which sometimes helps a little depending on the problem.

I’ve also tried working out the problem in steps. Eg.

1.what are you predicting to happen?

2. What are the chances of it actually happening out of 100?

3. Consider a whole range of possible outcomes, what is the best and what is the worst outcome? What is the most likely outcome?

4. Evidence for and against your prediction?

This helped me yesterday when I was worried about my boyfriend going out for lunch. I know she is just an old school friend of his, to be honest I hang out with her more than he does and I really like her and trust her. But that stupid little voice in the back of my head kept telling me to be worried. :(

These steps help me rationalise my thinking but also gives me 5-10 minutes of time to actually calm and let my emotions cool off and hopefully clear my thinking.

Anyways don’t really know why I needed to write this, I guess writing just helps me unload it all coz I have no one else to talk to.

Gonna find the strength to get out of my car now and go workout and get some endorphins pumping to try snap out of this mood!

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

today and tonight was really bad mentally for me. 

I felt like I have no control over anything in my life and I hate that feeling. I’m always so on edge and fearful of different scenarios happening that probably are so far fetched or so far from reality. I am eating too much junk food, spending too much money, not in control of my finances, losing the connection and the love with my boyfriend, unemployed and losing motivation to study or do anything besides lay in bed. 

I am trying so so hard to identify when I’m feeling low or anxious and to snap out of the mood before I spiral everything out of proportion and end up crying and shaking for hours. But its so hard and I need to find better strategies that work. 

Tonight I could physically feel myself getting anxious: my chest and throat tightened, I couldn’t breathe, I got so sweaty and dizzy. I hung up on my boyfriend and turned on the headspace app to do a breathing exercise. It helped a lot to calm my body down and be present with my thoughts, but now I just feel so embarrassed and annoyed at myself that I ruined another night and another conversation with my boyfriend. 

I just hope each day gets better and I need to remember that just because I have bad nights doesn’t mean I’m losing the progress I made. 

[2019bec-blog]

[2019bec-blog]

There are three rules.

1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it. 

2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. 

3. If you do not step forward, you will remain in the same place. 

[2019bec-blog]

New Years resolutions:

1) Be active and exercise 6 times per day.

- this doesn’t have to be intense hour long exercise, it could be a walk along the beach, or a tennis game, paddle board etc. But I just want to be active with my spare time and not sedentary. I want to enjoy exercising and being outdoors.

- although with this, I want to include at least 3 intense strength and cardio days of the 6.

2) Be conscious about what I eat more, but not restricive.

- I’ve decided that if I cut certain food types out or severely cut calories, I’m going to end up binging or being miserable and my commitment won’t last long. Instead I want to make healthier choices and swap bad foods out with better foods. Eg, don’t have chips with your burger, eat a few less slices of pizza, order gin and tonic over a pint of cider. Say no the bag of chips in the middle of the table.

3) Control emotional outbursts and reactions to situations.

-breathing, taking a step back from the situation and saying “is this worth getting this upset over” or “is this worth ruining your night over”.

-think about why I’m getting upset and be rational about these thoughts. My emotional reaction is not always the correct reaction. If I want to say something mean to someone, or get extremely upset or anxious over something. Take a step back first BEFORE I react and re-evaluate the situation.

4) get a full time OT job by the first week of March.

(Self explanatory)

5) don’t be on my phone/laptop for the last 30 minutes before bed.

-read or meditate instead. Put both away on charge out of reach.

6) meditate once a day to reduce anxiety and emotional outbursts

7) give my boyfriend more space and time and love.

-don’t get anxious or angry when he’s having a night with his friends. TRUST that he is doing the right thing. He doesn’t have to message you every 5 minutes. Let him enjoy his night and he will be a lot more appreciative and thankful of you.

-understand you can have nights apart. If he is busy, go make yourself busy too! He will see that you’re living your own life and fight to be a part of it more.