2021ssajka

[2021ssajka]

As a painter during the COVID-19 Pandemic, my body of work shifted as I moved ontoAs a painter during the COVID-19 Pandemic, Art has helped me express and navigate through my unpredictable emotions during quarantine. My body of work shifted as I moved onto an online school setting. Without access to a studio space, I found myself establishing a working space on the floor in my small room. 

Given the intimacy that my bedroom provided, this reflected on my work as I make a series of small 4x6 paintings that act as photographs. I am a sentimental person and I put up pictures of my friends and family around my walls. Since the pandemic started I have stayed at home for a full year now, not being able to go out and create new memories with loved ones. I spent my time in my room painting on 4x6 paper that act as the new memories I created in 2020. 

This year, I found myself with empty planners and journals, repurposing them into art books for my fast paintings. I see them as photo albums of paintings, as well as a filled up planner journal of plans that was never made. 

This series of work is made as a result of isolation, reflection, perseverance and the hope that things will get better eventually.

[2021ssajka]

[2021ssajka]

New works!

[2021ssajka]

New doodle works

[2021ssajka]

Ive been looking at this artist on Instragram. Everytime I see her work. I stop everything and I look at her work for a while. I am just captivated by her use of color and how everything mixes together. How everything is blurry. I connect this to what I see when I take off my glasses and something I actually like what I see despite my blindness hahah. I like it because I can only see color and every unimportant detail is taken away. This is what I see in her work.

I am in awe of her textures. I believe she uses oil paint that gives off that buttery texture that Ive always been wanting to achieve with acrylic. This is why I turned to other explorations of materials such as oil pastels to achieve this.

I think her work is just so intriguing. Its something i want to achieve in my work as well.

[2021ssajka]

I revisited my 4x6 mini paintings. Its so familiar I got back to it right away after not painting for a while.

I want to add oil pastel on top of these after letting them dry. 

After looking at Chehayebs works, I kinda wanted to replicate her textures into my work. I achieved that by using a dry brush technique with my gouache colors. I like how it turned out. it felt more raw compared to my pastel ones. 

I still like to continue with my pastel ones... But I also want to explore more of these other color palette as well just to see where it leads. 

I think my new realization of my past opens up new things for me... im not fully ready to dive in deep in that- or even force to make something out of it. I want it to happen naturally in my journey of healing. I’ll see where this leads me.

[2021ssajka]

My family and I went to the Poconos for my moms bday. and we stumbled upon this Filipino restaurant in the middle of nowhere, and the funniest thing is that we knew the lady who works there (now owns it) from a filipino restaurant we would go to in our town! such a funny coincidence. 

but looking at the decorations, I see a big similarity in their color/shape choices and mine. I see that the main color is YELLOW. which is the color I gravitate to the most. I relate this to the sun and how the Philippines is so hot and sunny all the time because of it being so close to the equator. 

Theres is a lanyard up on the ceiling and I relate this to “fiesta” and town celebrations of their patron saint. I also find myself decorating my art fair stall this way.

The fans up on the wall with the map of the country represents the flowers and how it blooms. 

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its just so interesting how to see this and how it relates so much to my work. 

[2021ssajka]

This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick). 

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me. 

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality. 

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This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much. 

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all. 

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

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This has been an eye opening experience for me. 

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response. 

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope. 

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying. 

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head. 

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life). 

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago. 

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I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times. 

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why. 

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story. 

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This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about. 

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way. 

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place. 

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its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it. 

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work. 

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self. 

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

[2021ssajka]

in one of the conversations Ive had with my mom about my dad. 

She said that she had to move here in order to save us. She had to leave us in order to get us or else all of us will go down and drown with him. Growing up I resented my mom for leaving us at a young age to go to America and now it all makes sense to me. 

My mom literally saved me. I owe her my life. I wont have everything I have today if not because of her. I wont be who I am today if not because of her. I wont be able to pursue art and my dreams if not because of her.

She has set us free. 

It was like we are trapped in a cage with my father, and my mom has set us free and let us fly freely wherever we want. 

This also explains her style of parenting of trusting us in our decisions. Since she was also controlled by my dad, she makes sure that we do not feel that from her. It is important for her that we are all flying freely- in which i deeply appreciate. 

That also explains me being carefree and doing whatever I want. I am youthful in a way where I like dancing wherever I go. I like playing. I paint, I do arts and crafts. In a way I realized that this is also a trauma response, because Im stuck in that childhood perception of things and since I am not able to fully process my trauma/also being an immigrant and starting all over, a part of me is stuck in that early childhood development. (I am trying to seek therapy for this)

In my art, I see an act of preserving or protecting that innocence. Maybe because all these good memories is what I held on to for so long. Maybe its my way of protecting and healing that little girl inside of me. Maybe its a way of reliving my childhood that I miss so much and I dont have access to anymore (geographically and realistically)

At times I find it easier to connect with people a year or two younger than me, and that maybe the explanation why. But I dont resent this youthful part of me. I embrace this part of me even if its because of something dreadful. This is what makes me me. This is what drives me. This is the reason why I wake up every single morning. Art gives me hope and a reason to live.

Id rather be youthful or childlike (paint and do my arts and crafts) rather than wallow in my trauma and deal with it negatively like drugs etc. 

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I think freedom is very important in my work because of what we went through. 

I always think if the phrase “Practice of FREEDOM” as Jordan Casteels exhibition of her students (my classmates) and I resonate with that. 

because for me, ART is the PRACTICE OF FREEDOM. Being able to paint is setting myself free. 

[2021ssajka]

Im revisiting my planner sketches but in a loose paper for exercise. It was fun to revisit my crayons and markers. it felt good using them again. 

[2021ssajka]

I have been active on social media under @Jankathleenart for a very long time. this is where I post my paintings, sketches, photography and things I love and enjoy. its very casual and I keep it free. I try not to overthink it. i try not to treat it so professionally so I can keep it fun and enjoyable. 

lately I have it a plateau. It all started with these two friends I had who kept saying something about my work. they would ask my why do I keep posting things like these. why do i keep using the color yellow and pushing me to use other colors. they would ask me why I use those music for my art videos and etc. they would keep giving unsolicited advice and comments i did not ask for and i did not appreciate. 

I would always explain myself and my choices and and person would answer “you. know im only trying to help right?”. He is not helpin gme at all but only continuing to criticize me and my work when he knows nothing. It didnt feel right to me what he was doing so i needed some space apart. 

I told my other friend I was uncomfortable with people following me in social media. I couldnt tell her that it was her and her boyfriend specifically who was making me feel so uncomfortable with their comments.

I felt like i dont have control over my work. I have always been a private person, and now I dont even use my personal account and now I feel like even my art account is under attack because of those people. that art account is never meant to be for friends. its for me to express myself and share my work. I hate how i have no control over who i can share my work towards in social media. this has been an ongoing problem for me for a while. 

after that I was uncomfortable sharing my work. I knew they are always gonna say something. they kept pushing and pushing me. towards my work even tho they know nothing about art or my practice. I stopped posting because of that pressure I felt. its been 2 months since I have posted. 

last night I tried posting a landscape photo just to dip my feet into the pool again. I felt anxious again. I felt the pressure again and that did not feel good. I suddenly remembered the people who can see my work and I felt eyes on me. 

I feel like some people are in my life follow that account soley just to keep tabs on me. And I do not appreciate that at all. 

I would remove followers here and there, People i felt uncomfortable following me. My posts are very personal to me. they’re a glimpse inside my world and thoughts and i really do not appreciate people giving unsolicited advice. I know this will be something I will have to deal with if I want to be a practicing artist. I dont mind strangers that much, but if its people in my personal life. I would like to draw some BOUNDERIES between my personal life and my professional life. 

I just wish apps would give more control over their users. I wish there is a chance to be anonymous on social media. 

For me, social media is access. and all these people have access to me and my work. Its so weird to me how these people have updates to my thoughts with just a click of a button. once I post something, theres no room to breathe but it instantly goes to their feeds. Its just too much for me to handle lately so I took a break. I may be overthinking this again but I just dont feel good about it. 

This is basically the reason why I dont post my actual “fine art” paintings in my account. 

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That was the main reason why I created @jankathleenart that was supposed to be my “alter ego” or more like a stage name. Thats my first name but I just go by “kat”. @jankathleenart became more like a crafty feed. more like a behind the scenes and sketchbook photos that I would share. this doesnt speak to my fine art work though. 

Given this occurring issue. Im considering making a different account for my actual work. or I could rebrand my accounts. but i really enjoy my more casual way of posting and working. I do not want to treat my account like a job. 

Im thinking about going a different name or something for my fine art work. not sure if this is the best way to go. 

I do like Jan Kathleen. I did that as a way for me to reclaim my name that I did not resonate with (since people just called me Kat). That is also an intentional move to leave out my last name- to keep something for myself. but I also did not refer to my last name because this is my my Fathers (It was recently brought to my attention that every last name came from the father side, being passed down to their daughters as if they are their property even if they are absent). I want to shine light to my first name which is given to me by my mother (the woman who raised me) and claim my power to choosing my own name. 

Im thinking of making my current JanKathleenArt account into a subaccount and naming it JKAJournal and then making a new JanKathleenArt as a rebranding move. The only thing about that is that people will still know its me lol

Another option is to maybe to go anonymous behind my work because I do treasure my personal life. I do not wish to put so much of myself out there more than my art (since that is already personal enough). 

I heard about Layqa Nuna Yawar and how this is a name he chose for himself.  

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[2021ssajka]

https://www.artgallery118.com/

https://www.artgallery118.com/when-she-rises

I entered this Art Exhibition online and I got in!!! Ive been trying to apply for shows online... just to get used to the process and etc. (I submit old works)

It feels cool to be accepted after a few rejects. although it doesn't feel real since its online, im still glad!  Im gonna try to apply to some in person exhibition in the future. 

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In other news, I applied to Project for Empty Space internship program!!! I really like that they do for the community so I am so excited to be working for them (hopefully) this summer!!

I know this will open up many opportunities for me! I hope this i will be a long term situation and connection :)