20lbs2go-blog - Tumblr blog

[20lbs2go-blog]

I tried to change when I started this two months ago and did not have success. They say crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I did the same thing over and over with the same results. I often wonder why do I do this to myself? Why say I’m going to change when I do not take the steps to change? I talk and make plans but the next day, I chose to fail. I used to be a strong person and food did not own me. Now I see a cookie, think I shouldn’t, 30 sec later it’s in my hand and I’ve eaten it. It’s like I don’t even stop. Like saying I’m not going to eat it is part of the routine, just part of the cycle. How do I change?? What will I do different rn?

I found an app for intermittent fasting. Some celebrities use it to lose weight. You can eat but at certain times. I’m going to read up on it and I will follow the plan. Why not?? Why not give myself a chance!

I need to remember what I will feel when I am healthy. I need to focus on how happy I will feel when I can be out all day without getting tired. When I can wear anything and know if fits. When I don’t have to fear getting my picture taken bc my fat rolls will show.

I’m not obese. I have two 3in thick rolls of fat along my waist, “love handles.” They jiggle and I can feel them shake, it’s gross

[20lbs2go-blog]

fail #1000

i bet I’ve done this at least 1,000 times! Started a diet with a friend only to end up binging then purging. I do better counting calories as a whole. When I’m stronger I’ll kick out carbs but for now its ok. I write that as I look at my huge love handles. Stupid name! No one loves the fat tire! 

I reach my steps when I’m at work! walking 4miles isnt much I know. its a start

[20lbs2go-blog]

Monday night

We are watching The Frankenstein Chronicles on Netflix. I feel happy and content. I love how we can watch a show together, not say anything, and feel loved. At least thats how I feel tonight. Thankful

I got off my ass and road the stationary bike! Do ppl still call exercise bikes stationary bikes?? I was on it for 20 min and felt better. I was going to eat healthy until fiance’ came home with junk food :-( from his mom. ugh! I purposely do not buy junk food because I dont want it to be a step away when I’m craving sugar. Also more studies have found that overly processed junk food has chemicals that make it addicting. 

CW: 139lbs 8oz

I bped the past three days prob 10 times :-( I cant wait any longer for the weather to get better. I kept thinking “once its nice out side I will exercise!” It keeps snowing and its mid April! I have at least 8in of snow on my yard. 

[20lbs2go-blog]

I often feel like I’m loosing my mind. I’m a stranger taking up space waiting for the real me. What is wrong with me? I’m physically here. I know these are my thoughts but I do not feel like me. I want my pills to kick in and nock me out. 

I feel distant from fiance’. He’s done nothing wrong and has been doing everything right. How can I be close to someone when I dont feel close to myself. I want help. I do not understand whats going on. 

I missed counseling appointment because I needed to talk about sex and could not with my counselor because he is male. I needed to go to work for a TB test but slept instead. Avoiding life is not going to help me figure this out. Why am I selfsabotoging? Why does that one step to change seem impossible? Why do I avoid that step, knowing its wrong, still doing it? What is wrong with me?

[20lbs2go-blog]

sexual desire

I need to get out of my head!! Watching Legion and can relate to it. Sadly I relate to a psychological thriller about psychics, mental illness, and possibly aliens *sigh* I am grateful that I dont hear things or see things that are not there. I mean sometimes I see shadows but when I turn, nothing is there. Ok the episode continues and switches to super powers. Obviously I dont have that! Pretty good show! Makes you think “what if?”

Found addys, lost 8lbs!! I only have 3 left :-( and want to buy more but am low on funds. Down 8lbs!!

I set up an appointment with GP to discuss my low sex drive. I have almost no desire for sex and nothing is turning me on. I looked at porn, nothing. Touched myself, nothing. Kissed fiance’, nothing. I’ve thought about kissing other guys that I think are hot, nothing. I am wondering if its a side affect of medication? Could it be a side affect of sobriety? I want my sex drive back. Sex is important to any healthy relationship. I tested him early on in our relationship to see how he reacted to rejection when he was turned on. He did not force me or try to wear me down by being passive aggressive. He has never raped me. This is a big reason why I am marrying him. He will never rape me or force himself onto me. 

I have always enjoyed having sex with him! He always waits for me to get off before he does. He always takes care of me. I feel close to him during it. I want that back. I need to take care of him the only way a woman can. 

I finally feel awake. Might take half an addy and write more later

Good news!! I lost 8lbs!!

[20lbs2go-blog]

Enough is enough! NOTHING fits! even my fat clothes are tight! No matter what I eat or dong eat I have not lost weight! I’m mantaning at a huge 138lbs!! Last year I thought I was fat at 128lbs but rn I would love to be 128! I’ve let myself go. I gave into depression and drank. With drinking I consumed 3,000 calories or more per day! Today I am not drinking yet am not losing weight. I am eating way to much and it shows. 

I have two months until swim suit season. Goal is 120lbs by June 1st! Getting some pills to help me restrict intake. I should save money by giving all the food to bf. 

[20lbs2go-blog]

Reality check

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 8

I didnt write yesterday and I should of to keep this streak going. I wrote this in a stepmom support group on fb

“Beginning to think SD 11 1/2 doesn’t like me. A few months ago she said “we’re supposed to spend time with dad not you.” 4 weeks ago we asked her to shower, she refused & yelled & went to her room. Not long after she txt a friend saying her dad hit her & left a mark on her cheek. Dad was running errands & I’m cleaning the house. SO comes home BM calls understandably upset. SO tears up & BM comforts him while I leave the room. I felt like I was intruding on a private conversation & was extremely hurt/angry that I wasn’t able to comfort him- petty I know. BM finally takes SD phone away! We didn’t want her to have a iPhone X at 11 in the first place but why would she listen to us/me? As summer is coming up my energy to fight to see the kids more often is almost gone. I especially don’t want to fight if SD doesn’t want to be around me. Thoughts? Last year BM said we could have the kids more often but did not let it happen out of spite. We bought a house and she chewed SO out for not asking her permission first..... as if we needed to get her ok 🤷🏼‍♀️ we get kids EOW SS is 17 1/2 Almost 4 years of this struggle & hate towards me is wearing me down. Now that SD appears to not want to spend time w me- I don’t want to fight“

I’m waiting for replies. Hope I get some good advice.

It is beyond hard being stepmom or as I call it babysitter with responsibilities of a mom. When decisions are made- I am not included. Granted my opinion does matter to fiance’. Maybe I should talk to biomom more often. She legit scares me! She’s gruff, intense, LOUD, and is always right. All characteristics I hate dealing with.

write more later! 

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 6

I thought my entry would be short today or I might skip it but here I am. I feel distant from my stepkids. Do I really matter? I’m always on the side-lines giving passing plays to the players without feedback until the play is done. I asked fiance if we can set guidelines for the kids when they are over? 1) Brush your teeth every day (very sad that has to be a rule) 2) shower every other day & change clothes (equally sad that this is a rule) and those are my only requests. I get a lot of anxiety when they are going home without changing clothes, showering, or even brushing their teeth. Girl is almost 12 and boy is 17. Boy does take care of himself better but doesnt change clothes. We have them every other weekend. Thats only 4 days out of the month. Biomom is very strict and spoils them. In my opinion she’s too physical with them borderline abuse. I think thats why she spoils them a lot. She feels bad for crossing the line and over compensates with gifts. Example new PS4 came out, kid got it right away. Every birthday the girl has a huge party at her moms. 1) we dont know who to invite- I’ve tried. 2) I am NOT spending 100′s of girls bday to spite of biomom. She can go all out to “spite” me but seriously dont care. Ok I do and feel bad. Is that ok? Last year I bought her concert tickets for her 11th bday. He mom was not happy at all. Sadly we were not allowed to have the kids over any extra time throughout the summer. An unfortunate result of my actions. After we bought out house June 1st I began hearing more about biomom from the kids. If I had known how hated I am/was before buying the tickets I wouldnt of bought them. 

The concert tickets were not worth the fight. However taking her to the concert was amazing! I looked hot! well at least not bad- I felt pretty. Shawn Mendes and Charlie Puth were entertaining and I havent been to a concert in a while. Shit started to hit the fan after we bought our house May 31st. The girl told me in a nice way “I’m really sorry to say this... My mom hates you.” I defended biomom made some lame excuse saying she has a lot to deal with. 

write more later

bf wants to hang out. Yes, I call him bf, fiance’, husband- same dude

[20lbs2go-blog]

I’m shaking. PRN 50mg seroquel oral

I want to cut. 

Cleaning up the kitchen after a weekend with the kids, seeing the knife, God I want to bleed! My hands shake. I cant. I cant do it or he will leave me. 

waiting. waiting for the pill to work. waiting for my heart to slow down. 

Dont tell anyone but right now I want to end it. Right now I do not see a purpose. Right now my heart hurts. I feel empty, useless, unnecessary, pointless, something pushing against my chest. 

my bunny is hopping around. she needs me. To her I am mom

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 4

Watching Girl Interrupted with Angelina Jolie & Winona Ryder. It came out in 1999 and I resonated with it as every min passed. It starts with Susanna(Winona Ryder) holding Lisa(Angelina Jolie) as she cries. Susanna looks spent as she looks up to the window and the movie begins. She flashes back to the ER when she tried to kill herself. She “chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka.” Little did I know how much of her story would be similar to my own. It was not a self-fulfilling prophecy just similarities with BPD. 

I need to call my grandparents and thank them for paying for the mortgage. They know what happened- ER/hospital stay. 

Its a strange feeling knowing I almost died a week ago. If I had enough state of mind to pick a sharper knife I would not be alive today or at the least would have major scars. I have to make myself think about this. I need to face how close I came to taking my own life. Granted I have thought & planned how to commit suicide many times before, but this was different. This last time was real. REAL! When I was at the movie two nights ago with my someday stepkids, I had a thought of “I almost missed this moment.” This everyday all American going to the movie on a Friday night outing almost never happened for me. Why did I do it? 

I did it to dig out of a hole. I did it to give everyone a chance to get rid of me without having to do it themselves. I did it because I went in Feb 5th for suicidal thoughts, lost my job, stayed 72hrs, detoxed from alcohol & came home with NO solution only more problems. *Go to therapy! It will help! You’re still a POS but hey try it out! :-D* I tried dying a 2nd time. Had a plan and followed through because the first time did not fix anything. Did anything get fixed this time? No. Medication changed, met some people that are as messed up as me in the psyche ward- pretty much the only bonus of getting in. 

It always hits me when someone suggests I should “be careful in there” the psyhe ward because they are crazy people! dude, I’m in there. I am one of them. In there I feel accepted. In there I feel free! In there I feel safe. In there I am who you fear I will become- I’m already that person. 

The day I left I told staff& peers I would come back if I could see my animals then come back. Its hard being in the same place for 5 days, same little hallway, same food, same groups, random person freaking out and no fresh air. Today, I want to go back. I want to go back to peers who are like me, staff who want to help, able to talk about meds without fear, able to talk about how we ended up there without judgment. 

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 3

Day this and I feel better than the past two. However, bfs sister and grandparents are coming to visit. Am I ready for visitors? Doesnt matter now! I took 50mg Seroquel to help ease my anxiety. I feel ok and think its working. His grandpa is an ass. Thinks he knows everything and bosses everyone around! I havent had to be in the same room with him since bf told him I was fired from my last job. ugh fucking a! 

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 2

Day two is going ok. I went to the grocery store and thought about stopping by work to explain my absences but did not. After grocery shopping, which I like to do, I only wanted to go home. I conversed politely with other shoppers and was “happy.” However dealing with work seemed like an impossible task. My stepkids are here and I need to save my energy for them. Depression is a strange beast, especially in limbo. 

I feel like I have a weight on my chest and its weighing me down. A lump is in my throat and I feel I could break down easily. My strength right now is the fact that I am here. Yes, I am thankful for this basic fact. I dont know why I feel weighted down, I dont know why my heart hurts, I dont know what is hiding under the surface of my mind that is causing all of this. People ask “what happened?” I’m not sure. It was a pile up of the #MeToo movement triggering past abuse and the news that I will not be able to get pregnant ever. 

The #Metoo movement is good and difficult. For a few weeks every time I turned on the nightly news, checking fb, checked twitter all I saw were allegations of sexual assault. People explaining how they were used by someone of power over them for sexually pleasure. Men who think they are invincible. I want to clarify that I am not talking about sexual harassment. I am talking about those who were assaulted, taken physically advantage of due to another persons “power” over them. Why? Anyone can get catcalled. Anyone can get winked at by a coworker that they do not want. Yes, this happens and your response can deter the outcome. Tell them to fuck off, glare, or God forbid take it as a compliment that you look attractive! When I started hearing about actresses who had to appease a mans sexual desires in order to get further in her career, that is unforgivable. This pain will hurt future relationships. This pain will come and go, will linger like a bad dream, and disrupt the way she looks at the other sex. This can also happen for men. I firmly believe a lot of men are sexually assaulted by men and women of power. This is one of my “triggers.” 

The 2nd “trigger” was getting an ultra sound and seeing the results. I have three ovarian cysts which are common and painful but not serious. My right ovary is on top of the left and its all jumbled together. I have 2 masses that could be cancerous. In one test result my dreams of becoming a mom were crushed, potential overall health is in question, and I had almost no coping skills. I drank to cope. I drank to forget. I drank in excess as a way to express that I needed help. I fell down quick. One evening I drank 14 beers within 5hrs. The next night I bought 1.75 L of Captain Morgan & finished in 2 days. My gallbladder did not like all the alcohol or my kidneys. I began having horrible abdominal pain! I almost went to the hospital because of it. I chocked it up to ovarian cysts but I know now that it was my body rejecting alcohol. 

Need to go, write more later

[20lbs2go-blog]

What is love? Would you love her if she got in a car accident and was paralyzed? Yes? What if she slit her wrists and wanted to die, would you stay by her side? ........ In this scenario of my life the answer is “yes, but if you do this again I will not be with you. I can not do this again.” I asked “you’ll leave me?” with no emotion, just a question. My heart was breaking in to two. He said he wouldnt be with me but he wont leave me. He would still care and not abandon me.” 

I do not understand his words at all.

If I break down at all in our future, he will leave? To me it sounds like we wouldnt be together or in each others lives but he would be around therefore not technically abandoning me. 

Do I want to marry this man?

[20lbs2go-blog]

I think what this is really saying is people do not validate someones hurt/emotions and end up talking about themselves. I am guilty of this and feel bad when it happens. We all have something and some days we need someone to listen not necessarily to come up with an answer, but to be present. I think its more like trying to get validation that this is a sad situation and it is not all on our head. To know you aren't completely crazy when you feel lost. To know its ok to feel sad. To know someone cares enough to listen. 

[20lbs2go-blog]

Day 1 out of the hospital

I tried to commit suicide last Friday. Its the first time I’ve almost succeeded really almost died. I slit my wrist with a knife horizontal then diagonal once I remembered its the right way to cut for death. 

Friday I was wide awake at 3am. My thoughts were already racing. Thinking about how bad of a fiancé I am. How I have been neglecting him physically/sexually. Here he is giving me another chance. I was pacing in my house like a crazy person! I felt like I was legit going crazy. My thoughts spinning around, around without stopping, without a break, without a way to escape my mind. I began to think about drinking. I tried watching movies, cleaning, FB, TV, petting my animals to distract my mind. They helped briefly, maybe a a few min then nothing at all. What should I do next? drink. I found some change, drove to the gas station at 9am, totally looked like a suburban mom alcoholic stopping by to get my daily fix. 

I felt guilty driving home. I wanted to start drinking in the car but had a very bad feeling so I waited. I took a drink and went down hill quick. I started bawling. Releasing the pain I felt for putting my family through all of this. Seriously laying on the kitchen floor, sobbing, crying, screaming/yelling and feeling everything. My cat came up to me, I turned my head away. I was down there for a while or maybe 5 min but it felt like a long time. When I got up I grabbed a filet knife thinking its sharp and would be a good choice to cut. I cut, saw the blood, had some release. Seeing the blood come out is like seeing all the emotions flow out. I cut more, began to think about dying, wanting to die. Wanting the ultimate release. I drank the rest in one gulp. It gets fuzzy her. I remember grabbing the phone, calling 911, talking to an officer and I switched. I was cutting to die. 

Is suicide selfish, yes. Do I feel guilty, yes. It is hard for someone to describe however much a person uses words it is impossible to explain. I wanted my mind to stop suffocating me. It feels impossible to get out atm. I felt crazy. How can a crazy person live a life that everyone expects? How can I work when my mind wont stop long enough for me to do my job? How can I be a partner when I do not want to be touched because of my mind racing? I still dont have the answers. 

Threw up 4 times in the hospital. Down to 138.4!! Down 5lbs since I started writing :-D One good thing to be thankful for

Here I am. Day one out of the hospital

https://youtu.be/fbHbTBP_u7U NF Let you down

[20lbs2go-blog]

I started writing an update on facebook. It turned into this. I could post it and get a lot of “likes” and beg for attention. 

“Growing up society told me underweight/emaciated women were the ideal- you must eat like a bird. Now I am told I must have curves like Kim Kardasian or look like I'm an aerobics teacher in my pare time. Oh and both types always eat clean. I will never fit this mold. 1) I cant afford to buy the right curves to look like Kim K. 2) I love all types of food.When I was in treatment Reeces peanut butters came out with white chocolate. One of the girls asked if it was good? I said "Its ok. " another girl asked "whats it like?" I said "try it." If I didnt let myself taste the white chocolate and find out I really do not care for it. How could anyones description of it help me make this decision? I remind myself how strong I used to be. How I tried the chocolate without fear or shame. To have confidence like that is  freeing. Trying on wedding dresses I wished I had that strong confident person in front of me. Instead, I am ok with how I look. I gain weight which is hard. I begin to think of all the things "I know." know I should not eat sugar or simple carbs bc they turn into sugar and sugar turns into fat. I know if I dare ever eat sugar that it must be organic and will post with a message "CLEAN" as if to say "ITS OK!!" meaning "I GET A PASS- PLZ!" I know I should spend a hour a day working out or jeez lazy! At least 20min! *sighs* The thoughts go on and onHere is what I also know. I know one of my dear friends is fighting for her life right now because of all the things she knows. The things we "know" turn into truths.”

I could make myself look good. I know what to say to be recovered. This is all true and random thoughts bc I smoked a a bowl. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to post my thoughts. I have very few times. My mom, dad, and the small few who actually check my shit out like and comment. I usually delete it within 12hours or 10min depending. Wouldn’t it be better if I look like aerobic little person saying it than me? 

Also know I can look like the thin workout clean eating queen! I did it before! granted that was 9 years ago buttttt ya

therefor I can not post