21-11-98 - Tumblr blog

21-11-98 · 6 years ago

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잘하고 있어, 화이팅 ♡

I didn’t want to be dramatic but shit it feels real. I’m twenty? Damn... I grew up to be horrible and I doubt 13-year-old me would feel proud or happy to see the me now. Things were reaaally hard and it felt like I was going through things I should’ve if I were 30 or older but age really doesn’t play a part in this and difficult times can come to you at anytime, any day to anyone, really. Every time I ask myself “why does this happen to me,” I tell myself either “worse things happen to other people” and try to understand and go through it or “What the fuck? My life is the worst” and be selfish as fuck, forgetting about everyone else’s feelings, and putting mine first. I really have to mind my language but rather than me lacking of vocabulary to express myself, it’s more like I’m having no words that can explain this “phase” that I went through.

I starved, I was exhausted, I didn’t have time for friends and had to put them aside, I was scared, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I over-worked, I defied, I lied, I had to do things against my will, I had to control myself, I couldn’t do anything about the situation, I witnessed, I felt people looking down on me, I felt people pitying me, I felt like I had to be blamed for certain things, I wanted freedom, I was stuck, I embarrassed myself, I cried in public, didn’t feel like I belonged, I was angry, I said things that hurt people, I was constantly moving, I was jealous, I didn’t know how to say ‘no’, I kept apologising, I owed, I felt like I had no one, I had no space, I kept falling ill, I became someone I told myself not to become.

My family, the police, the loansharks, the authorities, the managers, the family who lived next door under a roof, the guy upstairs, the guy who talks like he owns the world, the shit Wi-Fi, the small space we squeezed in, the friends who has everything, the places I have slept at, the guys and their never-ending smoking cigarettes, the guy who gets high, the guy who I raised my voice at, the guy who ransacks through our stuff, the lecturers, the people who had and didn’t have faith in me, the guy who asked me if I’m okay, the guy who I cried in front of, my immune system, my bank account, the people who cried for our unfortunate events, the people who couldn’t bear to see us going through it, the people who were there when I cried, the people who tried to fight for my good, the couple who’s always fighting, the people who tried to find a resolution, the people who gave me resolutions, the guy who gave my stuff away without permission, the guy who has a place to stay, the one who talks more rather than doing it, the one who is trying to give my brother advise but is not doing it, the person who re-arranges my stuff without permission, the person who can’t agree with how I do stuff, my aunts, my uncles, my bosses, my colleagues, the estate agent, my classmates, my group mates, my schoolmates, the people who accepted that I kept moving due to the good location, the people who don’t know the fact that I stay in a common room with the 5 of us squeezing together, the person who I told to seek therapy, the caretaker who is taking care of my grandmother, the people who had it worse than me, the people who found out that I degraded but kept didn’t say anything bad to me, the people who are going through pain continuously, the people who had to accept the fact of a person’s death, the guys who were interested in me for a second, the guys who wanted to make friends, the guys who suddenly stopped talking.

It really goes back to EOY 2014. After I had a break up, I cut ties with almost everyone and wasn’t even active on social media. This was probably a personal problem, which wasn’t even a serious matter to be upset about, but one thing for sure was that my depression back then was real. I probably didn’t know I had depression but looking back, I think it was – maybe a minor one. It really drained me so much that it even sucked my self-esteem and confidence that I had so much in secondary school. You can say that I was really outgoing in secondary school. Thus, I was the opposite when I entered poly. In poly, the critique and presentations were never-ending and of course you need confidence for it and I don’t remember having and while doing it. I skipped so much lessons that my lecturer told me off about my attendance.

It was then that I couldn’t even go home when I want to and needed updates if it was safe to come home. There’d be a group of guys screaming and banging at our door. It was terrible and really terrifying. It was traumatic and I still get anxious sometimes when I go out. It was worst if I was inside the house. So if I was outside, I would hangout at this neighbourhood bakery/cafe, slightly further from my house and wait until my mom tells me that it’s safe for me to come back home. And yes, that was when I had a place to call home. I couldn’t imagine how terrifying it was for my grandmother, who used to stay with us at the house. I was actually thankful that she has poor hearing. Despite her poor hearing, she could actually hear the knockings and asked about it. So we had to lie about it. Construction works, door-to-door sales. I don’t think she was that gullible to believe us. Back then, she was aware of everything, unlike now. We had to bear with the banging and yelling for weeks. We couldn’t even switch on the TV with the volume on. There wasn’t Wi-Fi and the channels were just local TV. Our bills for cable and Wi-Fi got cut off, the electricity and water went off a few times too and I had to call both of them to have more time and get a date to pay off our debts, even though we didn’t pay it back at the promised date. And things just kept happening to us. The banging and yelling was due to my dad’s company failing to win over a project and yes he was the owner of it. The company already bought the materials for the project, thinking they got it and it was thousands over dollars. He probably spent some of the money on us too. However, another Chinese company took over the project and the loans that he took turned into debts. He had to resort to loansharks to pay for the debts. I’d be lying if I didn’t blame my dad for the situation now. He was partially responsible for it but he was really working hard for the family back then. I was living comfortably back then and I didn’t realise it till unfortunate hits me. He had to declare himself bankrupt and my mom rented out the house to pay for the debts.

My brother got himself into some trouble too. I am thankful that he has repented now but the things he does back then was so extreme for me to witness. I mean, I didn’t witness anything besides the police coming over to our house. The police came to our house for two cases on the same week! How can a 16-year-old girl not be traumatised? Throughout the night, the police stayed, from about 12AM to morning at about 6AM? Not so sure. I was just joking around with my sister getting midnight snacks and suddenly there were people knocking and greeting at the door. My sister and me immediately went inside the room, cuddled up, pretending to be asleep. I remembered leaving the door open so I saw my grandmother walking out, making her way to the washroom. I was so afraid she would open the door but then again, I was thankful for her poor hearing. She probably heard the knockings but pretend to not be aware of what’s happening. That night, my brother kissed us to sleep and told us to take care. I remember him crying and hugging my parents for so long. I didn’t have a good relationship with him because of the stupid stuff he do now but thankfully we’re good now~ He stayed inside until the police went off. My parents brought him to my aunt’s place and he seeks shelter there for days. He is really thankful for my aunt and her family. She has a big heart and without reluctance took him in for shelter. He still talks about this every now and then and can’t forget about the deed she did for him. We continued staying there even without Wi-Fi for weeks. My aunts and uncles actually came over to our place despite the situation and even witnessed the banging and yelling of the loansharks. I was so embarrassed and of course everyone pitied me but that was what I hate. I hate being looked down on and people sympathising me but I had to be sympathised for.

My aunt suggested me to pack and stay over at her place. At first I was thinking will there actually be space for all of us to fit in? There were 6 of us; they have 2 plus my aunt’s family. That’d make it 11 of us staying in a three-room flat. But we managed to stay there for almost 2 years. The five of us, stayed in a less than 30m² room. During the 2 years: Initially it was my grandma and Isleeping with my aunt and my cousin. My parents, my brother and my sister slept in the small room. And then my brother moved out to my other cousin’s place. And then my sister moved out there too. And then I moved in to the small room with my parents. And then my sister came back after we bought a double-decker bed. My sister and I slept on top and my parents slept below. Before that, we were all squeezing below with a mattress and if you’re unlucky you could sleep on the cold hard floor.

I always had projects and submissions so I was always awake till late. I am more of a night person anyways. I had to have a big space to do models so I did my work outside. I need a good connection to watch shows on my laptop so I had to do it outside. I was always being told off by the woman next door to keep my volume down when it wasn’t even loud and it pisses me off. I couldn’t do anything because i had nothing! I had no money to move out or a place to do my work. I remembered suddenly seeing my toothbrush in the bin… out of all toothbrushes. Why did she even have grudges against me? Also my aunt told me off for always sleeping late and told me the cause of my runny nose is sleeping late. But I understand that because it was for my well-being, but I was sensitive then, and so I moved in with my parents at the back always remembered to download the shows in school before i came back home so I could watch them at the back, in our room with the poor signal. I had to bear with that for 2 freaking years! I am so thankful to my aunt for letting us stay over but the people next door were really testing my patience.

My grandma’s legs were getting weaker and weaker so she needs assistance and guidance whenever she needs the washroom. Of course I had to stay awake, alert and had to wake up every time she needs the washroom. Even at the holiest times like 3AM or 4AM and she always wake up really early. I was there for her even before the 2 years, even at our old house, but I’ll always be in debt to her because she practically raised me! I love her so much and I’m always thankful and sorry… I couldn’t do anything for her to have a house… I’m still so young and penniless and that made me frustrated and sad. It was almost like she got kicked out of the house with us… I will never stop being sorry to her.

I remembered in 2016 while we were staying at our aunt’s house two weeks before my trip to Korea (which I worked my ass off for), she was hospitalised after she fell and it was partially my fault. I can’t stop blaming myself whenever she fell but really… I hid the fact that I wanted to kill myself. Until now, it felt like I was to be blamed for her being confused and unaware. My mom was frantically calling out my name but I didn’t go out immediately. She tried to get a grip of my grandma but she tripped. My mom was holding on to hot coffee to serve her and of course, she couldn’t help my grandma to prevent her from tripping. A day after, her arms felt hot and swollen. Maybe the fall had made the gout “activated” and we brought her to the hospital. She was hospitalised for days. I was on the look out at night to accompany her till the sun down every night, except one hehe. One of the days, the doctors reported that her calcium was too high. They gave her medications to bring the calcium down but it made her so cranky and weird… I was so scared. It was early in the morning at about 8AM, when my cousin who was a nurse at the hospital, just ended her shift and bought me breakfast. Luckily, she was there with me. My grandma kept saying she wanted to go home and to just kill her rather than staying there. My cousin was there to assure me that it was just a side effect of the drugs but of course I was still in shock. I really wanted to cry, and to add on to that I didn’t have enough sleep and had work later that night at the movies. I really hope it wouldn’t happen again. How did the words come out from my sweet grandmother’s tongue? A few days later, her condition got better, though she was partially unaware, and got to be discharged. My flight was on the same day of her discharge.

I worked so hard for my trip to Korea at the cinema. One of the reasons I had the money to fly off there was. A year ago, when I was working in a cafe, I worked hard just so that I have enough money to go to Korea. So I had enough money covered for the flight and accommodation. I worked at the movies so I can earn money to go for shopping. I worked so much but the rate of my pay was $6.50/hour exclusive of CPF. I went for work after school; sometimes I get to only go home after 3AM. Even after my trip to Korea, I stayed because my colleagues were nice to me and i had a really amazing manager. Which soon left because a new manager came in and he couldn’t get along with her. Not so sure why I still stayed after he left but I stayed. I was so broke, I should’ve left earlier and find a job with a better pay. I was wronged one day and the managers decided to suspend me for a week. To this day, I still felt wronged and not sure why I was punished with a suspension, it wasn’t intentional or a crime. Their decision to suspend me led me to quitting the job. I was actually fired because I didn’t go for work a week after suspension but beats me. I was working there for over a year and they didn’t take my side or believed me. I did not regret my decision then.

While I was working at the cinema, I actually had another part-time job with my sister. She was the admin of it and she introduced me to it. I really liked it and the pay was good. It was a pizza making workshop for kids, sometimes for students and older people, but most of the time for kids. It was really easy, I can either host, assist or/and bake and clean up before and after. I just need to prepare for the next workshop and clean, mop, sweep. That’s all. I only worked there for half a year and then I got fired for the pettiest reason ever. My boss and my sister couldn’t get along and he fired me? Since my sister introduced the job to my cousin, my boss fired her as well. She was just about to start working and was already cut. It was so unfair and petty.

While I was working at the workshop, I was also working at a kindergarten every Thursday and most of the days at a karaoke. I applied for the job at the karaoke right after I was cut off from the cinema. Unexpectedly, I got the job and am still working there right now. It has been a year and 4 months now to be exact. The kindergarten job was easy. All you had to do was to teach them science with scenes and stories and materials prepared beforehand with the cute kids! but it was difficult for me to commute as it was in the north and I am not familiar with the area. I was only able to work there for a few months because they had a class, which I was unable to attend to, and I didn’t hear from them afterwards. So I actually had a point of time when I was doing 3 part-time jobs at a time. Actually, I had two. I did Deliveroo while working at the karaoke and teaching science at the kindergarten. Currently, I am working at the karaoke and assisting with the workshops that my cousin holds every weekend. My job shows how broke I am even when I am a full-time student.

In December, after I came back from Japan, our estate agent who helped us rented our house told my mom that there was a 3-room flat that is being rented out for a few months for cheap. It was really cosy and I was really happy to be able to stay there. It was a few months of happiness in the east. My brother continued staying at my cousin’s place as it was easier for him to commute to work but he still comes over the east to hang out. During the period of time, my good for nothing uncle apparently got a divorce and has no place to stay. So he stayed with my brother at my cousin’s place. We had the place until end of April and our short happiness ended. We had to move to a place and we moved in with my brother at our married cousin’s place, in a small room estimated about 36m². My uncle had no choice but to sleep outside, as we were moving in into the room. According to my brother, he was hardworking with the housekeeping chores when it was only them staying there but ever since he had to sleep outside, he’s a mess. There was once when he took my sister’s phone and my sister knew right away because there was no one else in the house at that point of time. There are also times when he would stare blankly and stayed in that same position for a very long time. Of course I was and still am scared and unsafe to know that someone like that is staying in the same house as me. There were also times when I was preparing food during Ramadan and he was taking pictures of me from afar? I was so bummed out but I still had to continue preparing it. My sister assured me that it was probably to send his girlfriend (ew) but it’s still not right? It’s so weird and uncomfortable. Help me…

The guys staying here are extremely heavy smokers and smokes a lot everyday in the living room. It’s so strong that even when I slightly open the room door, I could smell cigarettes. Bless my lungs and my respiratory system… Again, if I had money or if I were older with a proper career, I would’ve already moved out. It’s too much smoke for me to handle. My breathing is at risk! My health is involved. Five guys smoking in a space, probably cancerous.

Staying here made it difficult for me to be organised and find for stuff. It was the same with staying with my aunt the last two years before staying in the east. It was due to the limited space that we had to use the second floor of the double decker bed to store our clothes… and the rest of my family members had to sleep on the floor.

It is slightly better now but I’ll never and I should not forget what I had gone through the past years. There has to be a day I’ll be successful and tell my success story too, right? If there was, I hope to bump into this memo.

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