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[22twick]

1/3/2020

Loneliness

Recently, life has put me through another rigorous course of loneliness. Loneliness is quite an interesting emotion and feeling to have. It can be argued that being lonely goes against our physiological nature of finding a partner, a mate. It's essentially hardwired in us to long for someone else to endure a portion of life with or reproduce with. But like I said, this such fact can be argued. For some, the physiological nature that has been hardwired into is ignored, and they can accept themselves as they are, alone. Maybe it has something to do with being contained within the current state one is in, or at least convincing the mind that your current mindset is "just enough" or even "more than enough" to find fulfillment in this life. For others, this thought is appalling. Being without someone is, well, impossible. They can't enjoy the beauty of the nature that surrounds them, the feats created by humans that have walked this earth before them, reading the texts of people who have hypothetically "figured it out". Figured out what exactly? Who knows, its the same reason people grasp onto religion. The human condition hasn't provided nearly enough for them to be happy with themselves, so, they reach out to a seemingly hypothetical power that's only true distinction is that the power is beyond them. This sense of the power being something they will never comprehend allows them to subject themselves to the power, whatever form that may be. But what remains from all this, is still this sense of not being fulfilled where one currently resides and exists in. Religion is a way for those to propel themselves into an idea of self-love and acceptance. Christianity bases itself on the idea that no one can be perfect, it is impossible for anyone on this Earth to mold themselves into the idea of perfection. So? The pursuit of perfection is what drives those to hold onto religion. It's the idea that taking small steps every day to change one's attitudes and actions are the driving force to exist. For those without religion or at least those who don't practice it whatever their reason may be, it boils down to the idea of accepting oneself where they currently are in life, be it their physical, mental, emotional, or physiological states are being satisfied or are actively taking steps to improve these states. They are taking accountability for the current state they are in, and if they are not happy with where they currently are, they change or fix it. This isn't to say that we should put those who don't subscribe to religion on a pedestal for attempting to fix their issues and problems by themselves, its the way they are hardwired. Much like the way practicing religion can be hardwired into a person, where their everyday actions are a reflection of God or attempt to be accepted into heaven, taking accountability and at least making a solid effort to fix oneself on their own account is no different. Different entities of course. One is outside the body, one is from within, but the result is the same.

How does this relate to loneliness? First, do I think people that practice religion can also feel lonely at points in their life? Of course, everyone feels this way at some point in time. But there is something to be said in the way that these two distinct characters challenge the idea of being lonely. For religious folk who feel alone and that the world has turned against them, they have an outlet to find some sense of being and existing, its the carry on the goodwill of whatever God they subscribe too. If that happens to be Jesus or whatever the hell they worship, they can remind themselves that feeling lonely one day might be their current mindset, but they can always think about how they should be acting the next day to reach a state of peace, that even if life continually smacks them in the face, they always can pass on the message/word/fuckin tweet of God. On the other hand, those that don't subscribe to religion have a much broader path to fix the problems that they currently face. You can't pinpoint how someone fixes their problems compared to another person, but the path of these two individuals, and it should be reminded that DONT practice religion, well the path can be quite... lonely.

Maybe I was lying before, and this might sound somewhat cocky so move along if you feel as such, but for those who don't subscribe to a higher power, dealing with an issue such as loneliness may be the most incredible feeling one can achieve, one that clearly passes the feeling of achieving because it was "God's plan". The path that an individual must take is scary, dark, windy. It's the path that must be taken at the beginning of the Shining. A dark single road in the middle of the roads that lead to something quite beautiful, The Overlook Hotel. This path is especially filled with mystery, which is the most terrifying feature of it all. The road in the Shining wasn't filled with spooky monsters who jumped out of at you when driving down it. There wasn't a leather mask chainsaw junkie chasing you down it, no. It was a normal path, a path that leads to a predetermined location. Beauty lies at the end of the path, but that fact is seemingly forgotten, whatever situation someone has found themselves in. More importantly, the path is filled with... nothing. Its just a road which leads to a destination, with no pain or misery that accompanies it. Turning back is always an option. One can easily give up and find the road far too scary for them to adventure down, and it's quite a shame. If someone wants to live with no regrets, do what seemingly is the best option for them, then they better drag their ass down that scary path, because like I said, the reward is a beautiful thing that is unimaginable to someone who has turned back. The reward is the ability to stay at the Overlook hotel, without all the creepy stuff. If someone wants to be complacent, and stay at the base of the dirt road, so be it, I'll be taking a bath overlooking the mountains.

Let's try to steer away from this path analogy, it's getting annoying for me to write it down even though it was my idea. Cutting off the idea of comfortability is a feat for anyone, especially in relationships, which is the reason why I'm typing this to no one right now. Relationships are a bond between two people that is.. indescribable. Its trust, respect, admiration, attraction, acceptance, all molded together into this weird looking package that, may I remind you, comes in all different shapes and sizes. Like Christmas presents. You have no idea what's inside them, but you can get a general idea of them just by looking at it, a guitar looks like a guitar after all. Once the presents are unwrapped, a new perspective is unveiled. On the outside, many relationships seem, normal. Two consenting people found each other and decided to try each other's personalities to see if it fits theirs, but this doesn't show the horror if one of the limited time special features are missing. If trust is gone, then someone might cheat, same goes for if the attraction is gone. No respect? backstabbing, lying, demeaning are coming shortly if they haven't already arrived. The point is, is that to the wandering eye most relationships seem to be these loving bonds where no grievances arise, but that is the furthest thing from the truth, and it is incredibly simple to fix this issue between two people for the better of both mental states, but that requires the labor of breaking that comfortability which is the greatest feat of them all. It's analyzing that somewhere along the way, one of these factors got misconstrued and it has gone beyond repair, either because of ignorance or repeated action.

I feel lonely. The feeling of loneliness is one that appears in many different forms and is quite deceitful. Breaking up with Alex was a clear option. There were many problems that we had, and I feel like most of the problems stemmed from her doing. This is mainly because we missed a feature, trust. In my heart, I know I'm a trustworthy guy. I know my limitations as a person with how far I would extend myself into an unknown territory of acting beyond my control. I would never cheat on someone. The thought of such an action sickens me. I would never hurt someone knowingly. Be it physical, mental, or emotional, the thought of doing such actions also sickens me.I'm aware of who I am as a person. Yes, I come with my drawbacks the biggest one is being a huge fucking pushover, but that feeling comes from the act and intention of care. I would do anything for anyone as long as I genuinely cared about them, sue me right? This is where I introduce our second missing feature, respect.

But first, what happened to the trust? A specific event involving an ex-girlfriend. She texted me asking for a cup of coffee, and the way I responded sent our relationship into a downward spiral. Looking at it now, fuck that shit. Once again FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Alex had no clue the extent of our once relationship. Of course on the flip side if the same action happened to her, I would've probably flipped my shit as well, so maybe add hypocrite to that list of setbacks. Never would I have imagined that one event would lead to such a catastrophic turning event in our relationship, where all our arguments regarding trust would be linked back too. You didn't tell me that you smoked last night? Linked back to that situation. You didn't update me about your whereabouts? Linked back to that situation. This loss of trust as well as her huge insecurities was a recipe for failure and was a plane that was nosediving into the ocean.

Where did the respect go? This one is still a mystery because it doesn't have a specific event or time frame where it was abandoned, but the implications and recognizable actions of this loss of respect for me are clear. Like I said, I'm a pushover, and Alex was well aware of this. We both faced situations where we needed to stand up for ourselves, and to be completely honest we both failed. Neither of us had the nerve to stand up to pretty much bullies. But, where this apple turns sour is the exploitation that the created because of this known fact. I didn't stand up for myself in times where Alex exploited a situation to tailor and manipulate my emotions. In our arguments, she would phrase whatever we were fighting over to the way she felt, but then insist that the way she was feeling should be the way I'm feeling too, and how dare I feel any other way. Like I said, I'm a damn nice guy, and being told that my harmless intentions are making her feel like shit which in turn forces me to feel like shit is.. manipulative.

I want to end this here before I start typing anything that really isn't thought out or the way I feel, and just turns into junk writing to fill the sentences, but let me finish I with this so I can keep track of where my heads at.

This has been a rough week and I feel like its been a much wilder ride than the previous weeks in terms of my emotions. One day I feel alright, the next day I want to end it all because that would simpler than dealing with my emotions but if I had anything to say to you it would be this:

Alex, I go back and forth with this idea of missing you. I know, deep down that, I don't miss you. I don't miss the fighting, the bullshit, the need to be babied and manipulated by you, the control you seemingly had over me. But I continue to romanticize the good times and thats all I can think about right now, which is why the idea of missing you is even popping into my head in the first place. Our trip to Disneyland has been the most constant one this week. But, and a major but, if you truly loved me you wouldn't have treated me the way you did. If you truly loved me, you wouldn't have exploited or abused me, you would've seen that I was giving you everything I could while still living my life, and would accept that and not constantly asked for more and more. I'm so distraught cause YOU ruined me, at least for the time being. I was the opportunity for you to develop into something more than a couple that fights and hits each other all the time, but that was never realized. You treated me the same way you treated the guys that came before I had. You treated me like I had done something wrong to you, when in reality you caused every problem we had, why? Cause it was never good enough for you. I've never driven out to see someone so many times in my life to make amends. I would clear out entire days cause you weren't happy that I wasn't there beside you. How selfish and immature of you. I don't wish malice on you, and I hope you're doing at least a little bit better than I am, but I don't think I can forgive the way you treated me. You truly treated me like half the man I know I am, cutting me down to size at every opportunity you got. I've learned from you. Yeah, you had a nice pussy that I worshipped, but pussy won't save a relationship. I know that for my next relationship, which hopefully isn't for a year or two, you gave me all the red flags I need to look out for so I don't get manipulated again.

The care hasn't left yet, but the anger and pain are throbbing. I fucking hate you, but you'll always hold a place in my heart and head.

[22twick]

[22twick]

12/15/2019

Its been a while since I decided to type anything of importance onto this. There's no denying that certainly, a lot has changed. Since we've last spoke, I had a go-to another relationship with someone. From reading what I said oh so long ago on this blog, it's nice realizing that the feelings that I once had for a specific someone were... duplicated. Even though thats not even close to the correct term to use. The duplication I'm thinking of is, well, love. I loved another soul once again. A seemingly brand new experience and another go-at-it with trying to fit that person on in a new relationship. Physically trying that person on and seeing if the sleeves fit right or the waist isn't too tight. What an experience that was.

I'm not sure if thats my main reason for addressing you right here right now. But don't get it twisted. Yes, theres no denying that this page contains thoughts of my previous ex, but when I say "you", I mean me. Myself. (What a breath of fresh air from a little over a year or two ago). What I do know is.. well uncertainty. Uncertainty of where to go from here. I am well adapted and equipped to keep myself busy in life. There's a grocery list of activities and hobbies I can fill my time with, but it seems like im running into the same dead-end that I experienced around the time frame im referencing. The hobbies that once brought me endless joy and creative freedom have not come back stronger than ever. In fact, these hobbies seem on some days even more repulsive than constructive. Regardless ty, there's no denying that you, yourself, are doing constructive things. I mean hey, for starters going to the gym every day is a feat in it of itself, and there are not many people that can devote their time to something as constructive and productive as working out. All I'm saying is that the creative drive that once ruled my life and existence, that being photography, has taken a backseat. No, it's moved out at this point, got itself a new job downtown and found a place to sublet while we figure out our differences in hopes of "working it out". It's possible that such a route may already be too far in the rear-view mirror to turn around, go back and pick up. But the sight of it is still visible.

Much like the neglect I've given to my hobbies like photography, I've neglected this blog just as much. This blog, like the title, says, is a safe haven for my thoughts. Having this blog is almost like a time machine into my old mindsets and ways of thinking. The only times when I ever even write anything on this blog is when I all of the sudden feel the absolute need and desire too. But now I sit here questioning why I even opened up my laptop and took the time to start writing in the first place. It almost feels like an instinctual act that I must complete to get my mind off whatever is currently occupying it.

It would probably just be best to talk about you, Alex.

I saw you for the first time at the first meet the chapter. I had my goals and aspirations of joining the org long before I knew you, and I was determined to do just that. At the time it seemed like the out I needed to get my life back on track and out of the hole that was Sac and Jessica. I can't sit here and say I regret joining, cause I don't. The people I met have truly enlightened and inspired me to go beyond the mindset that I was in at the time. Instead of smoking weed and skating, even though I was getting damn good too, it was not a hobby I could sustain myself with. In fact, it might've even drawn me closer to the edge than push me away from it. But thats besides the point.

Your blonde hair was the first thing I saw. Your face looked soft and airbrushed. I think what sold me was the clothes. I've seen girls rock streetwear and vintage pieces, but there was something about the way you specifically wore those clothes that felt genuine and authentic. It wasn't because you wanted to impress anyone with your clothes, even though that's the underlying reason why anyone really wears clothing, it was clear that you wore thos pieces cause they were the most authentic representation of you.

I spent at most 2 minutes talking to you the first time we spoke. I was nervous as hell to be talking to you, but you made me feel comfortable and non-judged. I handed you a resume that I knew was terrible, and I'm mad you weren't more straightforward with how shitty it was rather than telling me it wasn't all that bad. These little moments are engraved in my brain much like etching them with stone. Memories that instantly pop up whenever I think of you.

It only escalated from there. The moments that I could spend with you, like the night when I realized we were in the same family, made me that much happier and excited. It was an excitement that was never on the forefront or realized at the time, but more underlying and subconscious. An acknowledgment of how I felt but instantly subsiding it because well... there is no reason. That's just the way it was. I most likely wasn't convinced yet for the feelings I had of you.

The perception you gave me was tainted for stupid and ridiculous reasons. Someone wanted to come and taint your image, all while you were desperately trying to protect your own and take the blame for someone else's, not a good look or school of thought on your part I might add. I'd rather cut it off there, thinking about that part of our journey is just wasting brain cells.

I've realized I'm a pretty obvious flirter, some taking any chances to talk to you was probably realized on your part. I just wanted any chance to talk to you, cause talking to you made me happy, I'd even scan your face for every detail I could pick up on. The bump under your nose, one of your teeth overlapping over the over, your strong jaw. You had a flawless face, another reason why I was pulled into your grasp or spell unknowingly.

Lets fast forward, cause our contact seemed to become sparse between spring and winter. I tried the dating thing, didn't work out. Tinder girls are not the place to look for unconditional love, dumbass.

I wish I could remember how I was invited to the bar with you. Tikihaven. It must have been a Wednesday night. You would get off class at around 9 or so, and I was invited, somehow. Zach bailed, the other dude bailed as well. We met up at Ash's place and ubered over. I can't deny I had the best time. Those nights of going out with you were simply amazing. The time I got to spend with you allowed me to unpack more information about who you were, what your interests were, trying to pinpoint your personality, it was innocent and simple. For some reason, the thought of our interview popped into my head, and you thought I was creepy cause I couldn't break eye contact with you! What the fuck! You saw my intentions through my eyes, you just happened to word it like that to give me shit. Anyways, I remember lying in ash's bed with my head on you after we walked back and you smoked your first cig. Progress, I thought. You felt the same way.

Skip to Irelands. Flirting in the bar, holding hands and dancing together was.. the essence of happiness on this earth. It felt authentic and real that I was slowly aligning myself with a partner, sending goodnight texts, even thinking "is it creepy that I sent that?" Those unanswered questions and unsureness were blissful, to say the least. Saying it was magical is even an understatement.

You slept over. Even though I was drenched in sweat from the bar, I didn't shower. You were in my bed and I wasn't leaving my bed. Feeling the contours of your hourglass body in your red bodysuit was a feeling that was brand new, something I had never felt before. Even to this day describing how I felt is impossible. We talked all night. That's what I loved about us, you'd come over and we would just talk. Fuck the Netflix, fuck the distractions, just talk. I hope to find someone I can duplicate that with in the future, cause that might've been the most important of all.

When we had sex, the night itself is a little blurry. I know that the day after you and Ashley got mimosas, but that's the extent of my memory. We fucked raw, for our first time, what a foolish and stupid idea in hindsight, but I can't sit here and act like I regretted a second of it. I felt like I had found my wife when that occurred. I had so much trust in you and you in me that it just happened. Your words carried so much weight that I knew I could believe the words that came out of your mouth.

Maybe I'll finish this, maybe not. Like this blog, the random acts of wanting to write are sporadic, and not consistent. I want to document the moments that we shared. Our first date, when I told you I loved you, meeting your parents, they hold such weight and are so incredibly vivid. Losing them won't be an issue.

For now, this is a farewell. I know it isn't a formal goodbye, but seeing you the next time I do will not be the same. I hate what you did to me, the way you told me you loved me and then resorted back to your self-destructive tendencies, but when you're in it those all seem nonexistent.

Youll be alright kid, you got a strong skull on that big-ass head. Just treat others with how you'd like to be treated, and don't let your insecurity be the blame.

[22twick]

[22twick]

I can try to fill my mind with whatever, but the memories of you will always remain.

Your importance to my like has been immortalized

“Baby” - Ariel Pink

[22twick]

[22twick]

What happened to 2016?

I had just finished high school, with a boatload of what I thought were good memories of the time on the forefront of my brain, with a relationship that I thought was rock solid (what did I even think of it then?), and a young naive 19-year-old spirit to the world.

Things change, that's the way the life we are introduced into has showed us.I’d even say one of the only few things that can be regarded to the set parameters of life is that eventually one day you die, and throughout the time up to that point, the world, you, your partner, will change. Its a caveat for being brought into the world, even though how can a caveat be placed on something that is already so hardworking, brutal, and soul-shattering? 

I’m trying to get to my point, but I first must outline where things are right now. Essentially, life should be going pretty well. I’ve done a lot in San Francisco, met a lot of people, actively aiding myself in the search for how I can supply my future with the best possible attributes. But it still lingers... 

An incredible feeling of loneliness and emptiness resides within me, living within my self/soul. It’s something I haven't been able to shake for a while and I feel like, over the past semester, or about 4-5 months of my life, I’ve been distracted by busy work. Although completing useless and senseless busy work is a nice way to avoid being tangled up to far within your head, I can't disregard an uneasiness within me for long. It’s something that needs to be confronted, but confronted how? What even am I confronting?

Those moments, the ones that grab you from however you're feeling in the moment, no matter where you are, and transcend you into a world, mindset, and body that feels... unfamiliar. However, in the same breath, you must acknowledge how it is all the same. You haven't physically transcended, but you reside in an unfamiliar and uneasy state. It’s like when you know someone is in a room with you. 

I try my best to cure these moments with things I know make me happy, doing small things, talking to people, talking to girls especially. But it all seems so shallow and unfulfilling. What's different about it though? 

Life has the years of importance, maybe we’ll call em that. I feel like when I was with Jessica, my importance, my mission, my ultimate goal was making us happy, together. Even though that might not have been the best option or thing to do, at least life seemed.... full.

I'll keep searching, for what? Who? I don’t know, but nobody knows. People spend their entire lives looking for it, hopefully, it doesn't take me that long.

Til next time. Keep your head up kid. Go for a drive, life’s too short to stress.

[22twick]

jeepers creepers @paopaobam (at San Francisco State University Student Event Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoC6RwthqWJ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ekfrjuvd7kzu

[22twick]

these pants are mighty tight https://www.instagram.com/p/BnughJYBkMV/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ivg6o8zpwur5

[22twick]

how bout a third https://www.instagram.com/p/BnSFPLMhU52/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1sem2dbiput3f

[22twick]

oregon #2 https://www.instagram.com/p/BnSE_UqhPgh/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dzbj7p5bmnfq

[22twick]

oregon #1 (at International Rose Test Garden) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnSEqoDBLK8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1b8b1dqy7wf8z

[22twick]

og (his name is joey) (at Sacramento Zoo)

[22twick]

og (his name was joey) (at Sacramento Zoo)

[22twick]

butterfinger s (at Tacos Mi Rancho)

[22twick]

i understand that this is probably the worst skate clip you’ve ever encountered, but i’ve always wanted to do this and i did it, so yeah. (at San Ramon, California)

[22twick]

how’s this look my man? (at San Francisco, California)