2by1977brokenme

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#92 ~ 02.17.2022 ~ His Last Breaths

~ ALL WORK MINE ~

.His Name - Harvey Duke. A great man. A man who has taken care of many. Built many houses and churches. I’ve seen him give the shirt off of his back more than once for a cause of some sort bc of need at the time.

Agonal Breathing is present. His pulse is weaker and more thready. Each breath sounds worse than the last.

I knew he was coming home today. I’ve known for the past couple of weeks his end was nearing. Not knowing when has been the worst part of it all. Watching this great man fade has been very hard on me. A part of me is dying with him. This man showed me how to me a man. How to treat others. How to work and made me work when I didn’t want too.

A man who is talking his last breaths, lays in front of me. As his face turns and fades to a darker blue. I know the oxygen is leaving his body, not returning. He is dying. His fight still present with each breathe; but each breath is more shallow, more of a choking sound. He’s not choking. He’s on good pain meds. He’s not feeling anything. And if he starts showing signs of discomfort, the family will give him what he needs. They’ve been instructed.

I doubt he’ll make it til morning. His breathing is just faint, shallow. Heart is still pumping but more weak and thready. Won’t be long. Won’t be long at all. When he breathes different it catches my attention. I’ve been watching him for a few hours now. I’ll watch all fucking night if I have too. My medical knowledge is telling me he won’t make it much longer. His hand is cold and clammy, pulse around 40-50. But I still take a pulse every 5-10 mins. I don’t have too, just want too. To feel his touch one more time. To feel his beating heart one more time. Everything right now is a “one last time moment”. This is going to be soooooo fucking tough. 321 will have to wait. The greatest man I’ve ever known is dying and I care about nothing except what is going on right now. This man gets my full attention. Especially in his last moments. Nothing else matters until he passes on. ~ Toby ~

[2by1977brokenme]

[2by1977brokenme]

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#90 ~ 02.14.2022 ~ just writing

Happy Valentine’s Day Every ….

Cupid’s day to spread love and fucking. Enjoy this awesome day and make each other sore and fuck the hell out of them. Use every toy u can and just fucker until she screams out all those fucking frustrating days that you skipped fucking bc life got in the way. Just fuck the day away. ~ Toby ~

[2by1977brokenme]

~ PJE#89 ~ 02.09.2022 ~ Another Level Of TOUGH ~ Toby ~

So time to share bc it's been a hell of a day. God damn it's been a day. Time to cry. Bc I'm just not this strong. The pain I had tonight was terrible. 10/10. Fuck, I thought I was gonna pass out a couple of times. But, I didn't drop one fucking tear while around her. Not 1. Why? Bc I can't show how much I really hurt all at once. I can't . She won't be able to manage the stress. Tonight, fuck she almost passed out on me in the bathroom. Fucking turned green on me. Had to leave. ...

It was A LOT of blood. Man it was a lot. Fucking screaming pain. Omg. Fucking screaming. I pissed out the biggest blood clots I've seen in 10 years. I've seen a lot of blood; just not from me. Idk how much I lost tonight but it was enough to make me feel lightheaded. Nauseous. Dizzy. I'm fucking 280 pounds. I'm no pussy. Tonight I gained another level of TOUGH.

[2by1977brokenme]

~ PJE#87 ~ 02-02-2022 ~ Whiskey’d Up ~

~ ALL WORK MINE ~

I start with three each night I’m in need … No chaser needed, bc I shoot that it straight … Just looking to regulate the pain as my lungs need a break … Hitting the inhalers hard these days to keep my lungs inflated … the smoke I breath in makes me feel fucking great … but one day my lungs will fucking break.

I was born at a whopping 3lbs 3ounces, came out too early but still needed to bloom, I came out in the delivery room … They rushed me away bc time was of the essence, put my tiny ass in an incubator, flew me to Indy where I would stay until I was way past being a premie. Lungs weren’t developed, shit wasn’t connected so surgeries started instantly. Mom and Dad stressed to the max bc they lived out of a back pack.

44 years later and I’m still a fucking mess. The daily pain is really a stress … Fucking smoking weed ain’t killing the pain; still, I try to maintain … Some nights I find the shooters and take them 3 at a time. Not being able to breath is where I have to draw the line. Smoking weed is slowly killing me. … Whiskey is cheaper bc I’m not ready to meet the Grim Reaper. .. I feel him in me every fucking day. No one sees him but I feel him playing away. … Looking back on my time is like looking at a life in medical grind. Time the grind comes to a halt. It’s no one’s fault. I’m fucking sick of it. Living like this. It’s bullshit, horseshit, goat shit, and even worse than smelling Turkey shit. *smirks lol* … No comfortable position exists anymore. Fucking pain, fucking cunt whore. My life is anything but a bore.

~ TBC ~ ~ Toby ~

[2by1977brokenme]

F. E. Marie

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE #86 ~ 01.19.2022 ~ Random Thoughts

It’s barely Wednesday and I’m up once again. Sleepy. Ass hurts from sitting on it too much. Time to go to bed to lay flat. I’ll have to figure with Dixie to get my spot.

~ Toby ~

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#85 ~ 01.18.2022 ~ Tuesday

My mind has been foggy for a while. Each day I puff the pain away. Each day I forget more than I knew. Every day seems to blend in together. It all looks the same. Inside and out. With pain the darkness isn’t too far away. Each step could spark any other pain, usually does, never feeling anything but distain. It’s blurry and unfriendly. It wicked and crude. Before long you’ll be all black, no gray, just blue. Finding my way each day in dismay. So the mind wanders, looking for the next hook, but I should be reading a smart book. Looking at it dead on is the best I could do. Handling my life is a juggling act like no other. Docs every other day to tell me the same shit … I’m getting really fucking tired of it. Looking at the future isn’t too bright, failure seems to be insight.

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#84 ~ 01.15.2022 ~ Saturday 00:55

FUCK . THIS . PAIN . just fuck it. How do u do that when u can’t hide from it? How do u fight when ur fight is just almost empty? People tell me I have a lot to live for. Tons of people need me bc of who I am for them. So I know I do. I seen another grand baby on Friday. She was Tiny. Shoulder hurt so I didn’t hold her. I didn’t wanna take any chances. I prob would have been ok but I just didn’t do it. She was a cute little thing. I hope when she is 18 and knows people someone will tell her about me. I know I’m not living 18 more years. I’m surprised I made it to 44.

Each day I push. Each day I fight. Each day I live. … but it’s in pain so high some days that idk which way is what. Like I’m not dying. But it feels like it sometimes. I keep breathing and pushing.

Time for bed. If u read this give me a like or something. ~ Toby ~

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#84 ~ 01.14.2022 ~ Friday ~ Showering w/nerve pain.

The burn. Lol .. in areas of my body that’s new. The soreness at the surface of the skin is in those areas. It’s another area of weakness.

Showering … should be easy. Should be relaxing. Should be wanted. When the nerves start really flaring, it feels as if my skin has a soreness in it. But then other areas I itch to the point of developing sores., sometimes blood. The sharp flashes of pains developing in my abdomen. .. in those areas my skin is sore.??? I don’t understand it. Google doesn’t know and neither do my docs. So showering, no flares sometimes I’ll shower 2-3 times a day. Feels that good. But when a flair hits I’ll go long enough kay says something to me. . Yes, I know. . Imagine wherever you have pain inside there’s pain on the surface of your skin. Burn, tingle to a tickle, pitching like bugs biting, the itch, … One would think taking a shower would make that feel good. Starting with lukewarm water is the key. Increasing slowly as needed. It’s all about how to tame the beast that lies inside of me. …. Done for now.

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE#82 ~ 01.14.2022 ~ 01:02 Friday

Another night of migraine pain, Left shoulder pain, back pain from muscle spasms in areas that make it hard as fuck to breathe. Fucking nerve pain in my Dick … that’s not even fair. Made it sore tonight bc the tingle itch feeling just wouldn’t stop. Fucking just … FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I can’t say it enough. Screaming ain’t helping but making my dogs look at me funny; scared maybe. My wife is frustrated with or it feels like that. Thursday evening was fun with her. Fucking let her use a wooden spoon on my left nipple. First smack actually felt good. Second one stung a little. I like that kinda shit. Not super rough but, yeah, get kinky with a wooden spoon you make pasta with. We was laughing our fucking asses off. Damn it was fun. I let her do it 2 more times, hard as hell. Damn tit stung for a couple of hours. All red and shit. My nipple is still erect from it. Lmfao. Fuck yeah I like that shit. With the type of pain I have, making pain in other places isn’t a good sign for my psychy. It’s a warning sign. I’m running out of fucks to give again. I told the OCPT lady today that I was tired of the pain. And I am. I’m sick of it. I have a few good days and then 2-3 times as many painful days. The tears flow freely right now. I’ll cry or tear up in front of Kay but no one else sees me like that. I picked a good one. She’s my rock. Tough as they come. When I’m gone I know she’ll miss me. She’ll miss me for a long time. Won’t forget me, ever. I hope she never stops smiling. Tears are falling hard now. I’m 44 years old. I feel like I’m 90. Shit just ain’t fair. But that’s my life. Nothing is fair. Everything hurts. Weed is killing me. I can feel my lungs are tightening up again. I smoke 1-2g of high quality cannabis to help with the pain. Tonight I would have taken a Percoset 10/325 if I had one. Just to knock me out so I wouldn’t have to feel anything. So I can sleep. I’d be all fucked up but IDGAF. Anyway, I guess I’m going to try to sleep. Prob be up in a few hours. 01:23

[2by1977brokenme]

PJE # 81 (I think) 01.10.2022

The pain in my legs is growing. I just left pt and it’s getting worse, not better. The burn is back, the ache. Hopefully it’s temporary. Hopefully it’ll go away with ice after while as I plan to lay in it. This Monday I awoke in pain. Nothing unusual really.

The pain has been better over all. Still have my painful nerve moments, or spots as they communicate with each other. One stops firing and the other starts up. Or one is barely going and then the other feels like “HEY!!! I’m STILL HERE!!!” So then it start up. It’s eased up some but hasn’t went away.

[2by1977brokenme]

Crazyheadcomics on Instagram

[2by1977brokenme]

It’s funny how a cold store window can give needed comfort to a screamin’ back needing to be iced down.

~ TobyA ~

[2by1977brokenme]

Trying to calm down from having one and I find this … what’s the odds?