30daysofdancing

[30daysofdancing]

Little re-work we did of one of our favourite songs ever... Might give this one away for free when we reach 1m likes on facebook... We shall see ;) ENJOY!

[30daysofdancing]

[30daysofdancing]

Monday

I bought a vibrator from Walgreens yesterday and stood in the medicine aisle staring at Icy Hot for a good fifteen minutes weighing the choice to either spend the extra seven dollars to look like I legitimately have an issue with my back or just fuck it and buy my "back massager". I decided not to spend the money.

[30daysofdancing]

Movie on 5-9-14 at 8.15 PM

[30daysofdancing]

It's not like she's been kidnapped I know shes okay

I know you're okay, you haven't been Emily Smart-ed. 

[30daysofdancing]

Dre where are you

I haven't heard from or seen dre in four days. This hasn't happened in five months. I'm not guilting you out if you read it. I just thought I should document it because it's an interesting point in the thirty.

[30daysofdancing]

A Remix of Pharrell's "Happy" by Woodkid. I really liked moving my body to this song today. The pace seemed to fit the rhythm my brain was moving at. It allowed for expression without emotion.

[30daysofdancing]

5-12-14 at 8.34 AM

[30daysofdancing]

Day Ten-Mere

[30daysofdancing]

sorry these vid postings aren't aligned with their dates but you're smart, you can handle it.

[30daysofdancing]

e-cigs are such a cheat

so is coffee. 

i was walking around cvs today, as i've found myself doing these last 3 or 4 days, and ended up in the toy section. again. i wanted to buy all of it. the whole toy aisle. why? because maybe if i had all of these toys i could play with them, occupy my mind long enough with something that didn't damage my body or slow down my brain. 

i actually bought mere and myself hot wheels yesterday without a thought because... well there was no cause. when we got home i opened mine immediately and fondled the tiny, tractionless wheels, imagining what a great spliff mobile it would be if a long flat surface ever found itself between me and a smoking buddy. but then my mind started thinking about the wheels again, and the body of the car. it was such a "thing", just a piece of "thing", and simply that. there were no buttons or doors to open or little "thing" people to put inside it. it was just a plastic car not even the length of my index finger. with two fingers i glided the car up and around my cross-legged body, listening to the scratching spin of those shitty wheels rock from my left side to my right. left to right. i lost myself in that little hot wheel for a minute. and i realized that the things that i've cut out; the weed, the beer, are just more adult versions of this plastic "thing". just a little escape. nothing harmful. but a relief from all the things outside my wingspan that i can't control. my physical reach and my mental reach. 

these last couple of days have been coated with a dullish melancholy that i'm not entirely familiar with. it's not anything to cry about, but i can't say that i'm feelin super about life and where i am right now. a lot of old thoughts about choices i've made are popping up and i have nothing except my sexy little orange flamed hot wheel to take me away from them. plus the occasional e-cig and coffee. and of course dancing. the dancing is the most precious escape for sure. but you can't dance all day. i don't have the energy or the playlist for that. 

in the end i love everything and am so grateful and glad that i am who i am and have what i have. and sometimes, as insignificant as they can be, i just need a "thing" to rock me through the motions. i'm okay with this.

xo

dre

[30daysofdancing]

Four am on a tuesday

I am in a foreign bed surrounded by him, stomach to spine. I am curled into his shape when I feel his breath become choppy and heave heaps of slingshot tears that I am blind to. It Is dark and I am trying to ignore it all. When men pour their hearts out to me I slip on their love and chip my tooth. I turn my face into the mattress and fold my body around it, wrapping intrinsically until a tumor is created. I try to keep silent for a moment, dramatic pause, and then I begin to cry uncontrollably. My body seizes with each gaping fish mouth breath I take, and he mistakenly thinks that I am crying because I am moved by his words. Apparently I've told several men in the recent months that they "scare me". Apparently I'm "scared" of men. Apparently I look deep into their reflections of myself that I have selectively crafted, and intentionally add a soft scratch to each word. "You scare me". They each take this token, try to score tickets from the game and end up Dave and Busted on the corner alone. So poetic it's all so damn poetic. Just fuck me and leave me. It should be a short haiku of sweat and Semen. When he kissed me I felt no warmth, I tasted the salt build up on the rims of dead lips. The roles had switched from six months before when I lay where he was, the right side of the bed. Six months ago I was naked and he was clothed. "I've missed you" I said to him. "I've been here" he replied. Now I am clothed and he pulls his shirt up with his own hand. He crawls on top of me while I do not move. He throws my body like a limp doll even though I told him earlier I am not tired. "I've missed you" he says to me. "I've been here" I say to him, waiting for laughter. I was hoping he would remember. Instead, stolen from a page of my own weathered leather notebook, he says with a scratch in his throat "You scare me" I return to the crawl space of his silhouette. I reassure him, "I'm nothing to worry about." I'll be gone by the morning.

[30daysofdancing]

Day Seven: One Week In

day seven

it has been one week since this has started.

I feel okay.

I just danced to sigur ros radio on spotify. I kept grabbing on to my body and made a mental note that I need to be more self reliant. I keep expecting people, namely romantic people to fulfill me when in the end i don’t feel fulfilled by my own thoughts. I need to grab on to myself more, stop looking for a dancing partner. I went to see my friend in the sound of music tonight, which was truly beautiful. I sat in the student rush seats, pulling grapes out of my backpack and munching on them while watching the show. Two rows up there was a young couple who wouldn’t let go of each other the entire show. They were constantly whispering in each others ear, pulling their faces in for a kiss, acting so fucking obnoxious. It made me feel gross. Watching them. They couldn’t let each other sit and enjoy a musical they were so insecure in their love or so in love they kept needing to prove it to one another. It looked like two people constantly checking in if the other was okay. Like both of their moms had died at the same time and they decided to go watch the sound of music. I’m glad I’m not in that anymore. Though it did remind me of my first love. Getting “dressed up” to go see a show but not looking nice, just looking young and slutty, not able to focus on anything else but the love you need to keep intact. Now that I type it its kind of adorable because I am being nostalgic. 

yesterday was a very hard day. I’m not sure why. I am not sleeping very well lately, I keep telling myself that it’s because i’m detoxing or whatever but I think my mind is just too active. I went home with a boy I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go home with and went home feeling terrible. Woke up feeling terrible. I texted dre saying “can I come over, you can do your homework or whatever I just don’t want to be alone right now” Turns out she didn’t want to either. So we were with each other. I brought over my ukulele and sang for the first time in a couple months, my voice is not as good because the tar has been stuck on my lungs for a year but it was okay. I went into my itunes library and found all the old songs my ex-boyfriend had recorded for me and the songs I had recorded for him. Some of them are very very dark and kept drudging up old depressive emotions. But it was ok somehow because the day was already shitty so if I was feeling bad feelings I may as well reminisce about even tougher days. 

Then we watched Silver Linings Playbook which turns out to be an amazing movie as everyone said. I didn’t know it was a dance movie. I cried like a baby at the end, hating myself for crying and hating myself for wanting to be in love but knowing that I can’t be in love right now I have to be alone. We laughed about it and then danced to Alabama Shakes. 

I didn’t dance from wake up to sleep time but  I had danced at one in the morning at soul night so technically I danced that day. I felt guilty, like I cheated but technically I was alright. I am very tired. Work is dull. Feeling feelings makes me realize that my gut instincts about everything in my life are right. I let drunk decisions and high conclusions sway me from what I know to actually be true.

I am alone with my thoughts.

one week in.

[30daysofdancing]

musical theatre numbers while I watched my friend make coffee for no one.

[30daysofdancing]

TAKE A DANCE BREAK