30daysoffire

[30daysoffire]

Day 5

August 16, 2024

Dear friend,

Don't give up. Don't give in.

Take this message as directly aimed at your heart. At least, that is its intent. If it pierces you to the point of pain, then it has hit its mark.

Don't give up. Don't give in.

The world, the flesh, and the devil won't let up. Let's not either. Fight, fight, fight! Press on! Hold fast to Christ.

With you in the battle,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 4

August 15, 2024

Dear friend,

Habits seem harder and harder to break. Which makes sense. The older I get, the more I become what I've been. The longer I've been doing the same things again and again and again, the deeper the patterns impress upon my heart. The dirt trails I have walked for three decades are now packed earth, paved road, highways.

But just because it's more difficult doesn't mean I should stop trying. Sin habits are still habits. I do them without thinking; they are so ingrained into my being and my soul. And yet, there's the still, small voice, the itty-bitty truth drowned out by routine... Think. Start thinking.

Think about who you are––beloved, saved, sanctified, adopted, made new.

Think about whose you are––child of the king, purchased and pardoned for a purpose, set apart for infinite glory and joy.

Think about why you continue to be––to glory in and enjoy a good God, to know and be known by Him, to reign with Him and be His bride, His body, His child (metaphors for infinite truths).

Think about where you are headed––eternal joy, seeing Jesus face to face.

Think about how you will get there––by faith... and through many dangers, toils, and snares... and carried along by grace and truth and divine power.

And as you think of these things, your affections might shift, even minutely, off course of where they were pushing your soul. And maybe the fires of lust get swallowed up in greater, stronger, divinely directed conflagrations.

Take some Philippians 4:8 pills and let them shape you a la Romans 12:1-2. Eat that bread of the Word and digest it thoroughly and soak in it (Psalm 1:1-3) and absorb every nutrient you can obtain (Psalm 119:11) and wield it powerfully (Ephesians 6:17) against the lies that have shaped you for years. But do it one day at a time, one step at a time, one leg at a time, one breath at a time (Philippians 3:13-14).

And you'll get there, friend.

And I struggle alongside you. It's tough out here. But we have infinite hope in an infinite Savior.

With affection,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 3

August 14, 2024

Dear friend,

Let's jump right back in. Let's go fight that good fight and run that race and keep that faith. Let's get back on this journey at break-neck speed and then keep the momentum and not slow or give way or stop in the middle or fail to finish well.

I am, in some ways, far removed from the broken heart I've written about in past letters (circa 2022). Time can be a healer. The emotional wreckage of previous pains are no longer at the forefront of this heart.

But in other ways, I am as broken as I've been. I know it... The resignation, the complacency, being satisfied with the way things are. O God of mercy, please show me that mercy today! I still feel lonely and alone in my struggles and circumstances. I still feel lost in the metaphorical fog of life's path. I am still a mess. I'm just... an older mess.

I'll take some of that back... I feel more mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually mature than I was 6 years ago when I started writing here. I have grown up. I have walked through dark, dark valleys, not of my choosing, and battled and broke through and lived. I am not who I used to be, and it's God's grace that's got me through it and shaped and molded me. And I'm thankful.

But I still feel weak and helpless and lacking and inadequate. I'm still tired and despairing and often wanting to give up in the fight. And remembering these personal truths reminds me that I need Him tonight. I need the Son to save me. To satisfy my soul. To comfort me and sustain me. To be my strength and my portion. And He is. And I just need to remember. And trust Him.

I'm here. I'm still here. And I hope, wherever you are in your journey, that we'll keep running, keep moving forward, keep going, even when we think we can't. When we know we can't. Because we have Him––and He can keep us going. So don't give up, friend.

If you are struggling today and you need to hear a truth, then hear this one: you are loved. Christ loves us...so much so that He gave His life for us. Infinite, divine, self-sacrificial love is yours in Christ. Nothing, nothing––nothing in all the world!––nothing better than that! It is that Romans 8 love, that "never ending, never changing, grace-and-mercy, ocean-wide, drowning in it, gospel-cross-empty tomb-transformed life, tears wiped away, everything made new" love, and it's yours through simple faith in the Son.

And hear another truth... I love you. If we haven't met personally, then I don't know you. But maybe I do... Maybe our journeys are parallel... And I know in some small human way what you're going through, and you the same to me. And we want Jesus so bad, and it's so difficult to see the end. And if that's you, then know that you have a brother who knows... and if so, then of course I love you! And I want you to reach the end. And let's meet––if not in this life, then in that glorious life ahead... And tell each other, "You did it!" And more accurately, "You did it... because Christ did it in you!" And we won't be strangers; we can be good friends looking back at tough times we've weathered together. And though that day has yet to arrive, if these things are true of us, then I can confidently say, I love you. Let's get to the end, friend.

In Christ,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 2

January 16, 2022

Dear friend,

As I was thinking about what to write for today, I recalled, perhaps with some regret now (regret that I went back to it), the dark valley I walked through over the course of the last two years.

It is dark in large part because I walked it alone.

A couple months before the pandemic started (around March 2020 where I lived) and the entire world would experience a kind of universal panic attack and the oxymoronic collective isolation we are now all too familiar with, I was already going through this all on my own.

I had just opened up to a close friend about my struggles. The opening up was a culmination, I believe, of a large amount of drama and misunderstanding, and I wanted all of that to end... so told my friend about the same-sex attraction, the struggle with sin, the pain, the trials, the loneliness. The reveal, as these things often are, was such a catharsis. It feels good to be seen and known by the ones you love.

But afterwards, I felt that I had made a mistake. In the weeks following that conversation, I realized that the clarity I thought it would provide did not materialize. My friend spoke with some other friends and mentors whom I love and who, I know, love me deeply. And they chose to take what I had spoken in that conversation and, I guess, plan out my life for me, without my input. They met behind my back to talk about me. They gave me counsel about what I should be doing with my life. They rebuked me about matters which I disagreed with them about... and our subsequent discussions about all of these things were not productive or helpful.

I'm being purposefully vague here, as I care deeply for them all and would not want to publicly air these personal matters... but that experience of baring myself to people I trusted, and then seeing them make assumptions and presumptions about me, how I should act or think, even after I had poured out my heart to some of them for over a decade—and then years later, it's as if they didn't care to consider my heart or perspective—it all deeply, deeply upset me.

I became disillusioned with the whole system I had lived and breathed for the last 15 or so years... dealing with my struggles through a process of continual accountability, discipleship, introspection, confession... I felt like it was all useless, all meaningless. I was disillusioned with the people who I had long considered the most helpful in the fight—God-given supports, counselors, and shoulders to lean on; suddenly, I'm recognizing them as imperfect. Of course they are imperfect; no one is perfect.

But something inside me snapped... The thought kept ringing in my ears: I can't trust them anymore. I can't give them my burdens because they all just make it worse. I had the proof of it. I was jaded, frustrated, angry. And all of that made me very bitter. Bitter towards them, bitter about my circumstances, bitter about everything.

The main conclusion I came to was that I needed to do this alone. And so I did. I shut up. I stopped talking to all the people I used to talk to about my temptations and struggles and sin. And it was really easy to because, well, 2020.

And now that I'm deep into this story, I am realizing the painfulness of it. It hurts. I don't like it, and I don't like thinking about it, much less telling it.

I know it's not the right place to be. Logically, according to reasoning and wisdom... this is pretty bad. Maybe, really, really bad, and I'd like to think that I am a logical, cerebral person. I want to do what makes sense. So I know that isolating yourself is bad—mentally, emotionally, physiologically, spiritually.

And also, biblically, this is really, really bad. This goes against the firm convictions I've long held on this matter. That God means for Christians to live together, to do all the "one another"s in community with each other, a lifetime of building up and being built up by brothers and sisters in Christ's church.

But I can't open up anymore. (That's a lie I tell myself... I know it's a lie.) I can't. It's too painful, too raw and too vulnerable of a place to be in.

My friend... the one I opened up to at the beginning of this story... decided, rather abruptly in the middle of 2021, to leave—leave our church, leave my life, leave everything. To move away entirely. And to do it with, what I see as, less than a goodbye. And I resent that more than a little bit. Maybe I resent it a lot.

One of my closest mentors, a dear Christian brother who really cried with me through the hard times and who understood me like no one else has, is moving across the country in a couple weeks. And I secretly resent that also. I know God is calling him there, and it is good and right for him and his family to experience this change... but I also feel abandoned.

I hate it, feeling so alone. I've drowned that feeling in mindless scrolling, in endless hobbies and media consumption, in hours of nothingnesses. But it doesn't go away. The pain is numbed, as with an anaesthetic, but the problem is still there.

What IS the problem though? Bitterness? Anger? Resentment? Pride? Shame? Idolatry? I'm sure it's a combination of everything. I'm a mess on the inside.

Man, I feel like I said too much. Dug a little too deep. But maybe it's what needed to be said.

Friend, I'm actually pretty worn out. I think it took a blog post to get me thinking about it, instead of pretending it isn't there. But now that I acknowledge its existence, what next?

I know the answer... Confess my sin. Run to the cross. Remember the Gospel. Submit to Christ. Repent and believe. Pray. Worship. Meditate on His Word. Love Him with all my heart. I know the answer.

And then... I guess... bare my soul to other people who will eventually let me down. And then wallow in the shame and regret of the aftermath, and repeat the cycle.

I'm kidding about that last part... But really, what next?

Please pray for me if you think of me.

Sincerely,

Your struggling brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 1

January 15, 2022

Dear friend,

I was persuaded in my mind to write to you once more, after a terribly long hiatus. The years go by so quickly. In fact, I believe I was 25 when I started this blog, and I'm 30 now. It's ridiculous, how fast time rushes past.

I write to you with much the same purpose and plan. I think that a journal, when properly undertaken, is an effective way to express and better understand my thoughts and feelings. But additionally, to put words to the figurative paper on a public page such as this offers you, the reader, a window into my heart.

And I believe that by opening said window, I can offer you encouragement and hope. I still struggle. The fight, I believe, will be lifelong. Every day is a battle. I still stumble. I have victories and failures. I'm getting older, but I still feel like an immature child, always crawling and clinging and crying.

And maybe 30 days of fire is what I need in this season, and simultaneously what might help you as well. So here we go... I struggle with same-sex attraction. As a Christian who has been saved from sin's penalty through faith in Christ, in His life, death, and resurrection, I now am called to—and deeply desire to—defy and die to sin's power and live exclusively for my Savior and King. And that includes saying "no" to all the temptations to sin with which I struggle. But there is that one particular sin struggle that wounds me so. It is a deep wound that requires strong medicine found fully and freely and finally in Jesus Christ. So I invite you to walk with me and see where the Lord might lead us as we seek to follow Him.

Some words of explanation and clarification—"30" is an arbitrary number (I know "40" is apparently a formative length of time, as Bible examples indicate... and 50 days is supposedly a golden number for building habits... so maybe those would have been better numbers). "Days" because every day we are to deny ourselves, take up the cross, and follow Him. Days also, because His mercies are new every morning. Because "this is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Because every day is a gift from a gracious King. "Fire" because we need to burn for Him. "Light of the world" is what He calls us, and we dare not hide our lamps under baskets, but rather we must shine as all the stars, billions of spheres of vapor aflame, shine to give Him glory.

I felt particularly bold at present while writing these things... It might be the coffee I drank too far into the day, the late night mystique, a hundred thoughts buzzing simultaneously in this restless mind. I assure you, later today, I will feel so shy about what I've said, to the point of regret. Second thoughts fueled by perfectionistic tendencies will rule and reign. But I'll leave this here regardless.

Please pray for me, if you read this. Pray for faithfulness. Thank you.

In Christ,

Your struggling brother

[30daysoffire]

Random Evening Thoughts

Saturday, September 15, 2018 (~1:00 a.m.)

So... I drank a lot of coffee tonight. Couldn’t sleep. And then I stumbled on my journal. And then I started back at Day 1 and read through the whole thing.

Days 1-15 are such a different person from Days 16-30... and a different person from present-day me. I want to be that person again. 

I was reading the entries out loud, and it was kind of weird. Gave me this really weird, but cool vibe... Like I was preaching to myself... and I felt so encouraged... Feelings like “I don’t want to sin anymore! I want to run after Christ!” Which are good feelings.

So... I got a couple ideas:

1. First, I need to keep going back to this journal. Maybe every night (because I have been tempted to sin every night). I need to get out of the darkness of sin and sinful desire and temptation and run to the light AND the heat (i.e., the “fire”!) of God’s truths. 

(Note to Self, for future reference: Go to the Archive. Scroll down. Click on Day 1 to view entry. Keep clicking on “Previous” to read subsequent entries.) 

But some caveats (for me... and whoever is considering reading this stuff for the first time):

Exercise caution with Days 16-30! Not that we should pretend they aren’t there, but... I think there’s this heaviness in the second half of this project that fills me with discouragement when I read it sometimes. Or, at least, when I am discouraged and then I read some of those later posts, I get more discouraged. Not really sure if this is a word of wisdom, or more of an observation with which you can do as you like. I do think there are some biblical proverbs that talk about spending time with complainers or those prone to self-pity---and you end up becoming like them. So caution is needed.

Don’t read all of them at once... “2016 Me” had so many helpful thoughts that “2018 Me” definitely needs to recall and meditate upon. But some of these posts are super thought- and/or feelings-heavy! 

2. So... another special idea I had was... what if I read them out loud and record myself doing it? Even just for personal listening. It would be something I could listen to whenever I am tempted. Maybe an audio version of some of my posts could also encourage a struggling brother or sister. It’s always different when you read it out loud (whatever it might be). (And maybe, if you’re struggling with certain sin habits right now, this could be one way of doing that “preach the Gospel to yourself” thing---record yourself preaching the Gospel, and then literally “preach the Gospel to yourself” whenever you get tempted!)

3. Another idea... responding to these past posts (especially Days 1-15) in the present. Maybe interacting with them, critiquing them, comparing my heart today with where I was back then and where I want to be. I used to throw around the idea of restarting this blog (with consistent daily posts), or making a new one, like “40 Days of Fire.” Maybe it’s time to do that now.

4. Lastly, to any of you guys who followed me in the past and/or liked or reblogged or personally connected with some or all of my posts... If you are reading this and have prayed for me or commented words of encouragement when I was really down, I am so thankful for you. I praise God for you! Like, dude, I don’t know about you, but some of the stuff I post is super-private... the depths of my heart that I haven’t shared with anyone except God. And, well, now, I’ve shared it with you, and you listened to my struggles so that in a special, relational (albeit anonymous) way (that was made possible through technological advancements), you became a part of my walk with Christ and helped me to grow. If you are a brother or sister in Christ who have been with me at some point in my journey as described in this blog, know that I care about you, truly, and am deeply grateful. We share such a great Savior, and it’s a privilege to have you as my sibling in Christ, friend in Christ, fellow servant of Christ, fellow redeemed one through faith in Christ. 

We have all we need and want in Him---and it’s a joy to share that privilege and infinitely precious gift with you.

[30daysoffire]

Day 30

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Dear brother,

Tonight is one of those nights. I can’t write... because all of my thoughts are negative. I search around inside my head, and all seems dark. Sin seems so strong. I cannot trust my own heart.

But I can trust His heart. I can’t see anything, but I can trust Him. He sees and knows and holds me fast. And that is enough. 

Is it? I hear myself... arguing with myself. Again and again, back and forth. I know He is. But is He? I know I’m not... Will I ever be? Does He care? If I keep failing, will He leave me? 

But... no. I must trust Him. He is enough. And in trusting Him, I also run from my sin to Him. I can’t see it! I am running in a fog. In thick darkness.

But I must trust His promises. He has never failed before. He is unchanging. His strength never wavers. His love is steadfast. He is enough.

Please pray for me.

Constantly in need,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 29

Friday, March 23, 2018

Dear brother,

I hope you are well! 

I started this blog with the idea that I would post consecutively for 30 days... 30 days in the life of a brother in Christ, fighting sin and seeking Him.

That is definitely not what took place. But I guess, in God’s providence, “30 days of fire” is not misnamed... It has just turned out to be 30 non-consecutive days in a brother’s life.

On this 29th post, I look back on--how long has it been?--a year and a half (!) of my painful stumbles and struggles shared... and God’s mercy experienced. 

It is mercy upon mercy upon mercy.

Can I offer you some bittersweet truths that I store in the deep recesses of my heart? These past few weeks were some of the worst weeks of my life. 

So I started typing out all the stuff in my head... Thoughts that have flooded my soul throughout these past few months and continue to voice themselves within my heart today... Paragraph after paragraph after paragraph... Words like “despair” and “failure” and “giving up” and “I can’t” come up again and again.

But (20-30 minutes after beginning this post) I realize now that it might not be so helpful for either of us if I were to write it all down. So I hit backspace...

Here’s the bottom line: I don’t deserve God’s mercy. I never have. I never will. 

And that is what mercy is. 

Lord, help me to know it. Help me to feel it with all of my affections and understand it with every faculty of my mind! Help me to dwell on your mercy like the house built on the rock, to hide within your mercy as if it were a fortress in a time of war--because that is where we are! This is war! Enemies are at the barricade! They beat us down on all sides! The storms are upon us! Who can survive outside of Your gracious compassion?

But the Gospel of Your Son, the glorious message of redemption and regeneration and reconciliation--that is where we must remain... to choose any other abode is a spiritual suicide. There is no other safe house. There is no other hope. It is Your Son alone who satisfies the longing soul.

Brother, I don’t know where you are right now in your walk with the Lord. (I have had some serious lows in mine.) I do know that there are no other options, only One. And we are constantly in great need. But He alone provides for every need. His mercy is more. Cling to Christ. 

Praying for you.

Kyrie eleison,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 28

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Dear brother,

It’s been a long time... almost a month since I’ve written here. My last post was kind of a downer. I hope it didn’t leave you discouraged. 

But looking back, I see God’s grace in my life this past month. I’ve had so many helpful talks with different people--friends, mentors, pastors, brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Different kinds of talks... sometimes, simply a word of encouragement, a reminder of the Gospel, a Bible verse, a couple minutes of prayer, and sometimes, a rebuke. Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

If I can impart a helpful truth tonight, it would be this: surround yourself with God’s people.

Find people who love Christ. Mature believers. New believers. Young people. Old people. Guys and girls, married couples, peers, teens, seniors. Some of them will be spiritual “parents” in the faith, examples for you to imitate. Some will be young “disciples” you can pour your life into, who will want to imitate you! Some of these people will be the closest and greatest friends you’ll ever have, friendships rooted and built up in the Fountain that is Christ--you just need to get to know them first.

Find a church where the Gospel is preached... not just faithfully preached, but also faithfully lived out. 

Find those people. They’re there! God placed them there in your life. They are Christ’s hands and feet to comfort you and build you up and sometimes rebuke you! And also you are to be like Christ to them as well.

Brother, let’s keep fighting the good fight. Don’t give up. I’m praying for you.

In Christ’s strength and by His grace,

Your Struggling Brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 27

Friday, September 22, 2017

Dear brother,

What a letdown sin is. 

It is a promise that is never kept.

Its only true gifts to me are guilt, shame, sorrow, and regret.

If you know me--if you know me personally--maybe, lately, you have noticed and are well-aware of the burning I feel. But not a burning in my heart for Christ. It is a different burn... a burning of my heart--an unrest, a disquiet, a distaste for, an utter dissatisfaction with myself.

I know that Christ calls me to deny myself. The Christian life is a life of self-renunciation, self-sacrifice, death to self.

But self-denial is not the same thing as self-pity. I think that, in my mind, I often confuse the two. And I have lately grown disgusted with myself--in a way that, perhaps, is not a God-glorifying emotion.

I’m disgusted with everything--every part of me. I’m so wretched...and that’s biblical, right? Romans 7? I’m a worm! I am so dirty and rebellious and foolish and unlovable. O Lord, I feel so low...

So, brother, if it is wrong, correct me. In Christ, please correct me. Rebuke me if I’m sinning. Point me to truth if this is a lie.

Maybe by sharing this, I can be a negative example for you...? An example not to follow? Because this really isn’t the place for the Christian to park. Maybe--we all hit these valleys in our walk with the Lord. But He doesn’t want us to stay here. Martin Luther talked about how you can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair... Is that what this is?

I don’t want to be a stumbling block to you or to any other brother or sister in Christ. I don’t want you to read my story and be discouraged in the way that I get discouraged when I take a pause and view my own life. Don’t let that be the takeaway tonight.

But that is what I feel right now. Discouragement. It’s a wet blanket on the kind of fire I would like to have--the “30 days of fire” and even many more days... 

Something I struggled with regarding this journal was... Should I keep writing on the days when I feel like an utter failure? Should I write when I feel like I have nothing beneficial to say? When I’m at the point of giving up? When I’ve already given in...and it’s become very clear that, at that moment, the destructive fire of lust--of homosexual, same-sex lust!--won out in my heart over the infinitely beautiful conflagration of all that Christ has been and would continue to be to me...?

I don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m just trying to drown out the voice in my head... It’s my own voice... and it cries, over and over: “YOU ARE A FAILURE. AND YOU’LL NEVER WIN. AND YOU’LL ALWAYS GIVE IN. YOU CAN’T DO THIS.”

And I know I talk so much on this blog about shouting back at it: “HE IS BETTER!” And I know it’s objectively true. But what do we do when we don’t feel like it is?

I also don’t want this blog entry to be me seeking attention... Maybe that might be what this is... If you think so, then don’t give that to me. Pray for me instead--to turn away from this growing mountain of sins... lust and self-pity and worry and discouragement and pride. I need repentance and contrition. A heart of obedience and surrender and faith and hope and joy. Love for Christ must drown out and utterly crush love for sin. Have mercy, O Lord...

“Preach the Gospel to yourself,” they say. “Don’t listen to yourself... preach to yourself!”--they say. But it’s too loud tonight. And the past few nights. And every night, it seems.

It’s too dark. God, help me to see.

Kyrie eleison,

A discouraged brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 26

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Dear brother,

Today, I choose to fight this sin. It is a choice.

Sometimes, sanctification (fighting my sin and living for Christ) seems paradoxical in my mind. It seems weird that God is calling me to fight sin, to flee it, to mortify it... At the same time, I am told that in my own power, I am unable to do this. And when I do find victory, I must acknowledge that it is not me, but Christ in me.

So... I don’t know. It confuses me a bit. Maybe, you might have a word to add on this.

However, I do know that fighting sin is about making choices. Even if I can’t do this on my own, now that I have Christ, I can do this: I can make the right choice. With Christ in my life, I can always choose Christ.

We make choices everyday. We choose which flavor of ice cream to eat (or whether or not we will eat ice cream at all). We choose which route to take to work or school. In every conversation, we actively choose the words we will say, the thoughts we wish to communicate and the ones we wish to hide.

Everyday, I choose to say “no” to running the red light. “Yes” to running on the treadmill. “No” to that third serving of dessert. 

Sometimes, saying “yes” or “no” is easy. It’s easy because there’s no question about it: always say “yes” to chocolate! Perhaps, I’ve established a firm conviction: never, ever, ever run a red light. Sometimes, I’ve had to make the decision so many times, now I don’t think anymore--I just do it.

Sometimes, the decision is a virtual tug-of-war in my mind, and both sides are strong! And I’m stuck! And one side starts winning, and the other side pulls harder...

But whatever decisions I need to make, I make them ultimately based on the strongest pull in my heart.

And, O, how I want the strongest pull to always be a pull towards Christ! 

It is easy to say that now, but in the heat of the moment, when the time to choose comes, when I’ve approached the fork in the road at 60 miles per hour and I must immediately make the decision... The habits are so hard to break. My convictions seem to melt away. The other side pulling on the rope seems stronger. 

But there’s that truth again: Christ is enough.

Christ is enough in an intellectual sense. To choose Him is always the most reasonable, the most logical, the wisest choice. Yet, sometimes, our minds are so caught up in feelings, we forget reason...

But then, I must remind myself that Christ is also enough in an emotional and a relational sense, with regards to my affections as well! Any choice to sin will end in bitter thoughts and feelings, but according to the Word (and from personal experience also), Christ always remains sweet. He is the greatest joy to be had! He produces the profoundest peace. In His presence is fullness of joy! At His right hand are pleasures forevermore! He is the bread of life! The water He offers quenches my soul’s thirst like nothing else can! He alone satisfies.

I must choose to say “no” to pornography. “No” to lust. “No” to homosexual desires, those thoughts that pop up in my head. “No” to the temptations that are screaming at me: “Just a little bit! Just one more time!” I must scream back, “Christ is enough! He satisfies!” And I will shout it out because it is true!

“Yes” to meditating on God’s Word. “Yes” to approaching the throne of grace in prayer. “Yes” to self-sacrificial acts and kind words. “Yes” to forgiveness and compassion and empathy. “Yes” to choosing the narrow road that leads to life. “Yes” to pursuing my Savior and Lord.

Let’s choose Christ today.

In Our Savior,

Your Determined Brother 

[30daysoffire]

Day 25

Monday, August 21, 2017

Dear brother,

It has been so long since I’ve written to you in this journal. 

Can I tell you two difficult truths tonight? One about me and one about you.

The first of these truths is a very personal one, exceedingly burdensome to me, exceedingly painful for me to write, and accompanied by the sorrows and griefs of a struggling brother.

The first truth is this: Tonight, I fight despair.

I have failed again and again and again. 

I started this journal in the hopes that it could encourage you. I truly want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. You have the risen Christ, who has conquered sin and death and hell and all the powers of darkness, and He is with you every step of the way. He intercedes on your behalf before the Father’s throne. Christ has won your life through His death, and with it, ten thousand blessings that are yours in Him!

And if that is not enough, you also have God’s Spirit, alive and at work in you, transforming and empowering you, even at this very second! Think of it: from the moment of your conversion, you are no longer alone in your struggles and trials, but the God of the universe is with you, closer to you than the breath in your lungs, closer then your heart beating in your chest. And He is for you, not against you. Do you find your strength in Him tonight?

And thirdly, you have fellow brothers who walk the narrow road with you, who also bear burdens like your own, who also cast these cares daily at the foot of the cross, who also desire to slay their sins and follow Christ. They have been through much, and have much hope and joy to share with you! Have courage, brother. 

I also started this journal because I wanted to cultivate good habits, habits like regular self-examination, accountability, confession, prayer, and cultivating right heart attitudes. And I desperately wanted to break my sin habits for good... to exercise the spiritual muscles necessary for saying “no” to sin and “yes” to righteousness. I wanted to be victorious over the sin of sexual lust--in all of its forms. I wanted to be able to look people in the eyes and tell them, “Look at the freedom I have found in Christ! He has the power to destroy this sin that has seemed such a stronghold in the lives of so many. There is hope for us! Look what He has done for me! Look what He can do for you!” 

But tonight, as I look back at my life thus far, the race that I have run, I am tempted to despair. How can I be so stubborn, so rebellious, so faithless, so idolatrous? I could go on and on about my failings... and I have, in my head, spent hours and days and weeks and months, cursing my seeming inability to be faithful to Christ. It crushes me--daily. It wrecks me. I am undone by my selfishness, my hypocrisy, my idolatries, my shipwreck of a heart, stuffed with sinful thought after sinful thought.

Tonight, I fight despair. Can you pray for me when you read this? I want to encourage you, but, as I write this, I fear you will be discouraged when you read  my words. Still, I cannot hold back my heart. It is full of terrifying emotions--wave after wave of fears and regrets and shame. So much shame. 

I must fight despair. Because despair is ultimately a denial of the Truth of Truths.  It is a denial of all that He is and all that He does. Despair is a giant that would overthrow my heart, but the God of the universe is infinitely greater, and He has already overthrown my heart!  

To give into despair is to choose to cling to fundamental lies. Lies that are all branches off of the biggest lie of them all: “Christ is not enough.”

And here is the second truth: Christ IS enough. 

Please, hear me, screaming this at the highest volume possible... How can we think otherwise? He IS enough. He has purchased you with His blood out of the depths of Hell. He absorbed the judgment of an infinitely holy God against you. By His own power, He brought Himself back from the dead to prove the sufficiency of His sacrifice! Now, He reigns--King of Kings and Lord of Lords so that one day, every knee will bow before Him and every tongue will confess Jesus is Lord.

And yet, in that moment when waves of despair threaten to strike me, this truth suddenly becomes a difficult one to hold on to... But if Christ is who He says He is (and He is!), then how can I say, “Christ is not enough for me”? 

This is a truth that affects the core of who we are and impacts the way we think and feel and act. Your choices--your decisions when you reach a crossroads (”Will I give into this sin, or will I choose Christ?”)--are profoundly influenced by whether or not you will hold onto this truth.

Therefore, I earnestly desire for you to recognize this truth, even as I struggle in my own heart tonight to cling to it, my grip so weak and frail... But I must hold fast to Him, knowing that He holds fast to me. 

Brother, do not wallow in despair, but, rather, be desperate for Christ. Be desperate in your clinging to Him, in your struggling for Him, in your pursuit of Him. 

In Christ,

Your brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 24: Brothers and Sisters in Christ

November 1, 2016

Dear brother,

There is a sanctifying work of our Lord in the fellowship of brothers and sisters in Christ. God uses us to mold and shape and edify one another.

We are in such great need of others. There is no such thing as a “Lone Ranger” Christian. “No man is an island,” and how much more so is this the case for the follower of Christ! I have been comforted today by fellow believers. Brothers and sisters in Christ encourage me when I am down. They listen when I need to express out loud my clouded or convoluted thoughts. They struggle through the pain and pressures of the day-to-day grind. They rebuke me when my heart grows cold. They use the Word of the Spirit to pierce my heart. They use the Spirit of the Word to burn through my walls. They love me.

No Christian is perfect. And that is why we need each other. Brother, do you interact with other believers regularly? Young and old, new and mature, all kinds. Spiritual brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, grandparents in the faith... We are family. And blood is thicker than water. The blood of the covenant of grace runs deeper and fuller than the ties of any other relationship we can think of. We are united by Christ’s infinite love, His splintered, blood-stained cross, His selfless and costly sacrifice for each one of us.

Food for thought.

I am tempted tonight, brother. Please pray for me.

In Christ,

A brother loved by God and His people

[30daysoffire]

Day 23: Feelings of Hopelessness

October 31, 2016

Dear brother,

Today was a rotten day. I feel exhausted. I still have a lot to do. I don’t feel ready for tomorrow. 

And I messed up... again.

Today is rotten because I am rotten.

I feel, not just tired, but hopeless. That I can’t do this. That I can’t please God and do what He wants me to do. That I can’t win against my sin. That I’m wasting my time.

I don’t have time. 

I need prayer.

Brother, please pray for me. Pray that God would help me. I need His help.

Love,

An incredibly weary brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 22: Weakness Is Strength

October 30, 2016

Dear brother,

I am so tired tonight. And I have so much to do. This seems to be the way my life is going to be from now on. It’s a precarious balance between school, work, and church. I am so tired. 

And being this tired reminds me of the truth that God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness. I need to go to bed now. Good night, brother.

In Christ,

A weary brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 21: Second Chances

October 29, 2016

Dear brother,

Let’s start over.

I messed up. So much.

I know my sin. My sin looms ever before me. I know how much I have displeased my Heavenly Father. I know that if I continue in this sin, I willfully disobey my sovereign Lord and dishonor my Savior’s infinite sacrifice. If I continue in this sin, I bring destruction on myself--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

I must not allow this to take place. I want to love Jesus. I want to live for Him. Another part of me tugs in the opposite direction--the old part of me, the part that loves my sin so much. 

But I’m not who I used to be. My identity is found in Christ now. So I can say “no” to the part of me that loves my sin. And I can say “yes” to Christ, to His Word, to His promises, to His commands, to the Gospel. I can say “yes” to righteousness and infinite joy and unexplainable peace and satisfaction and contentment in Christ, even if the whole universe were against me, even though my own heart is against me.

God is a God of grace. He is a God of second chances. This is part of who He is. But He is not a God of “cheap grace,” as Dietrich Bonhoeffer would say. His grace is rich and free. It is also grace that demands my life, my everything.

God’s grace cost Him His Son. Jesus Christ showed me infinite grace by taking my place, bearing my sins and the infinite wrath of God against them. It was an infinite wrath, an infinite judgment, because my sins were sins committed against an infinitely holy God. And Christ absorbed that wrath on my behalf. This is grace.

It cost Him His life. And now, having received Christ’s gracious gift of life, I must give that life back to Him.

Brother, we are debtors. Infinite debtors. God has adopted us into His family. We were orphans and rebels, but now, we have an infinitely rich inheritance. Christ woke us up from our deadness. By His Spirit, He revived cold, lifeless hearts. By His blood, He paid it all for you and for me. 

Now, our debt towards an infinitely righteous Judge has been fully cancelled. It is finished! Now, we are debtors, not to the righteous Judge on account of our sins against Him, but only to righteousness, on account of the great love which Christ has shown to us. Thus, we must give Jesus our lives.

That’s where I am tonight. I want to give Jesus my life. I already professed to do that many years ago, when I was saved... when I trusted in Christ that very first time. But repentance is daily death to self. The Christian life means perpetual surrender. It is a continuous offering of my body, my thoughts, my words, my desires, my attitudes, my emotions, my decisions, my actions... Every part to Jesus. And sometimes, I don’t do that. But I must surrender!

I can’t go back. Oh, why do I keep going back?! It is my own selfishness, at times clinging to my old idols even after professing faith in Christ alone. I don’t want to be stubborn like this. I don’t want to keep doing these things and thinking these things and going back to these things... I want to change. I want to be transformed!

Please, pray for me, brother. I need it. 30 days. That means on Sunday, November 27, 2016, I’ll have reached my goal. My goal for this Tumblr is simply this: to write to you everyday, brother, to tell you about God’s providential kindness to me as I seek to kill my sin--this specific sin!--and pursue Christ, with all my heart.  

Brother... God loves you very much. He sent His Son to save you.  Please turn your life over to the Lord! He can change even the worst of sinners. And I love you, brother. If you’re reading this, then it is because I have personally asked you to read these things about me from my own heart--brutal truths about a broken sinner, beautiful truths from a blessed Savior, brilliant truths of God on display in the life of a simple brother of yours. Or, if I have not personally asked you to read this blog, then you have stumbled upon it for some other reason... and it’s God’s providential kindness to you or to me or to the both of us. Either way, I am praying for you.

I pray that you can see Him changing me, day by day, as I write in this blog. I pray that in your reading of this journal of some of my deepest and most vulnerable thoughts, you might see Christ in me... Christ transforming me, Christ lived out by me, Christ disciplining me, Christ working through me. I pray that this might be a personal testimony of God’s grace that will point you even more and more to our Savior.

That is my earnest desire for you.

Much love,

A struggling, but redeemed brother

[30daysoffire]

Day 20

October 2, 2016 Dear brother, Sin has consequences. Always. When we are tempted to sin, we must remind ourselves about this truth: sin always has consequences. Do I want to quench God's Spirit? Will I dishonor and grieve my Savior? My goal in life is to please Him! He deserves all of the worship and glory and praise. Brother, remember the sinfulness of sin and the great grace of our God. In Christ, A vigilant brother