#personal thoughts
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Fever nightmares or fever confessions / angry about being sick or in denial about it / craving physical touch when sick or rejecting it. / Delirium or passing out / cold compress or ice bath / persistent cough or sore throat / multiple caretakers or multiple sick characters / hand to forehead or mouth thermometer / "You're burning up" or "Are you okay?" / Dizziness or pale face / overheating or hypothermia / sick at a formal event or sick during important activity / enemy caretaker or crush caretaker / caught in the rain or caught in a blizzard
This or that: sickfic tropes I enjoy edition
Fever nightmares or fever confessions / angry about being sick or in denial about it / craving physical touch when sick or rejecting it. / Delirium or passing out / cold compress or ice bath / persistent cough or sore throat / multiple caretakers or multiple sick characters / hand to forehead or mouth thermometer / "You're burning up" or "Are you okay?" / Dizziness or pale face / overheating or hypothermia / sick at a formal event or sick during important activity / enemy caretaker or crush caretaker / caught in the rain or caught in a blizzard
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I want to stomp my feet like toddlers do when they get frustrated or angry...but I'm and adult now, and all I can do is take deep breaths and move on
#sighs#I've been sighing alot these days#what does that mean?#idk#nothing good perhaps#why am I ranting here?#whatever#personal thoughts#spilled thoughts#spilled words#desiblr#desi tumblr
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this is a safe space for beautiful brown eyed insane women
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the good news is that one of my bf's coworkers gave me a wheelchair which will help me in the future. the bad news is, I still need to get more pain meds asap.
my pain flare up is still going and it's still really bad. I'm nearly out of lidocaine patches, which are the only thing that stop the spasms. I'm setting the goal at $50 to help cover taxes on donations and stock up properly.
the pain I'm in now is the same one that has caused me to lose two different jobs last year. I can only hope I can try again at getting this diagnosed in a couple of months when I can get health insurance again, so I can apply for disability in the future.
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Im sorry, but why has NOBODY said a SINGLE WORD about “Kaos” this entire time???? Netflix barely recommended it to me and I haven’t seen anybody talk about it anywhere!!!
I mean…Jeff Goldblum as Zeus? Old man yaoi? Trans people out the wazoo? Dionysus with a cat? The furies as a butch motorcycle gang? JEFF GOLDBLUM AS ZEUS??!!!
AND NOBODY BREATHED A SINGLE WORD TO ME?
I feel betrayed by all of mankind, I really do
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Mom: You were so mature as a child! Why are acting like such a child?!
Me: (in my brain) I don’t know mom, maybe you never taught how to adult?!
Apparently some autistic people are more mature in childhood than adulthood because they mimic what other adults do according to some research? I remember being independent as a kid. But now as an adult, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing…
I wish my mom understood this. I’m not trying to be childish. I don’t even know how to be an adult in the first place…
#autism#actually autistic#adulting#how to adult#I wish I had a manual#adulting is so hard and complicated#I hope it’s not just me#personal thoughts#feel free to share/reblog
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ORV gives you a main character who is so detached and suicidal and never gets better
But more importantly it gives you all the people who would tear apart reality itself for one more chance to be with him
As someone who has struggled with depersonalisation and derealization and suicidal ideation for pretty much my entire life this book, even when deeply painful, is the most uplifting and convincing DO NOT KILL YOURSELF treatise I have ever read
Because it's easy to convince yourself that no one will miss you
That no one actually cares about you, because how could they? You're a monster
That you only have worth in what you can give
But then you see Kim Dokja who believes about himself all the worst things you have thought about yourself and who has arguably done worst things then you could ever do...and you see how he doesn't see the love and care and devotion that is right in front of his face
You are begging him to stop and see it
To recognise that he doesn't have to do everything alone
That he is loved so so deeply
And maybe, just maybe you can get yourself to open your eyes. Or just believe that maybe you're just as blind as Kim Dokja.
I know some people will see this book as despairing or that the message is that you can never actually cross that divide. But for me it's a push to say you can cross it.
That there are people in this world waiting for you to extend your hand and they will hold you close and never let you go
It's hope in the despair
At least for me
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It is tempting to think that Sherlock Holmes was so emotionally repressed and secretive and obviously not great at handling the feelings of others (making Watson believe him dead or dying several times) because his own author did not love him enough. Childhood trauma. Deep in his heart he knew that all the time ACD spent with him he'd rather write about dinosaurs, and that turns a man bitter. And looking at some adaptions I think this is still ongoing - some creators still do not love Sherlock Holmes. They want his name, but they don't want him. Pleeeaaase let Sherlock Holmes be with creators who love himmmmm pleeeeaaaaaase my poor silly little guyyyyyyy
#this is nonsense of course and I'm rambling#my way to cope with a bad train journey experience and fingers so cold it took me 15 mins to type this#i once went to a theatre production and it was terrible. the authors obviously hated both holmes and watson#WHY WRITE ABOUT THEM THENNNNN#sherlock holmes#my poor little meow meow#personal thoughts
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I can’t tell if I’m being irrationally irritated (period is coming so the PMDD is brewing and I’m aware of it the same way one is aware of the telltale heart thumping out a maddening rhythm beneath the floorboards, growing louder with every beat) or if someone is being a genuine dickhead right now so I’m just watching the chat scroll by waiting to see if someone else says something.
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05.03.25
I had some time to read in a café. I haven't done this in a while because of my schedule and some adverse events in life, hehe. But today, I had time. I'm grateful for these little moments. :) By the way, I ordered my favorite matcha latte. 🍵
#psychology student#the reading cafe#cafe aesthetic#poets cafe#personal thoughts#matcha latte#studyblr#study blog#study aesthetic#study notes#digital diary#dear diary#nar rpm
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The Problem With the Eddsworld Fandom's Depictions of Red Leader/Future Tord, A Disabled Perspective
Disability is a contentious concept for most of society, with most either treating us with disgust, confusion, refusing to treat us as human, or to see our struggles as what they are. Ableism affects all people in many different ways, but as someone who focuses a lot of my energy in fandom spaces, the pervasiveness of ableism with how media and their fans interpet and react to disabled characters is a very personal situation for me. While many may argue that an ignorance to these topics in fiction has little bearing on real life, the prevalance of these tropes have echoed and led to feelings of othering for many disabled people, and oftentimes support the same notions that lead to the day-to-day ableism in our own personal lives.
In recent years, I have experienced this most often with the prevalance of negative disability tropes perpetrated by fanfiction surrounding the character of Tord, also known under the alias of Red Leader in some fanworks. It is a problem not just common in the Eddsworld fandom. A more recent, and much larger fandom in Mouthwashing also shares a common trend of repeated ableism in fan depictions and interpretarions of disabled characters. Most fan creators are unaware of these tropes and the harm that they cause, but as a disabled person, I am unable to ignore it.
For context on myself, you can call me Fish. Get it? Or"fish"eus? I like to think I'm funny. I am a mentally ill, disabled, and neurodivergent creative who has niche interests in representation in media and the intersection of intersectionality and fandom spaces. I experience chronic pain due to a multitude of conditions, all of which are invisible disabilities. I am NOT an amputee or have a facial difference, like the character I am analyzing. I can only speak based on my own research in my attempts to portray him positively, but I want to mainly focus on the ableist tropes I see and the real life effects they have. That is something I CAN focus on, because I've been dealing with it for years from conditions that came onset later in my life. I will be speaking from that perspective, but will be doing my best to try to educate on what I do know from my research to help authors, artists, and creatives create a better portrayal of him in fanworks.
The most common tropes I see with him are what I will call "The Disabled Villain", "The Innacurate Disability", and "The Ignored Disability". There are a few tropes in each, but for ease of organization (and the sake of your (and my) time), I will be talking about them together in these sections. There are also overlaps in many, but I will define the main issues with them.
The Disabled Villain
James Bond, Wonder Woman, The Witches. You name it. You have most likely seen this trope at work in cinema. A malicious evil-doer is revealed to have a "horrid" face symbolic of the true evil within their soul, while the beautiful, able-bodied hero is meant to stop them. It's a trope as old as time, one that goes back to even Plato. Tropes are tropes, people subvert them, so a few cases down the line may be excusable. But that has not been the case For many years, the most prevalent form of representation for disabled people was in these villains. Imagine if the only representation you had for yourself was narratives surrounding how the way you look or what your disability is and have it only be equated to evil people. It leads to a villainization of disabled people. People react to facial differences with disgust, because they are "shown" that it is "evil", or "ugly", or equal to being a horrible person. As stated by The Nora Project, "According to the book Disabilities: Insights from Across Fields and Around the World, disabled students are two to three times more likely to be bullied in comparison to their nondisabled classmates. The disabled villain trope contributes to this phenomenon in overt and subtle ways. For example, the trope implicitly encourages fear of disability and difference, while validating, and even elevating, those who fight against the evil, Disabled Villain. Bullying based on fear and disdain is almost a natural consequence of the trope when viewed in this light". Another big issue is that disabled characters have not been given space to exist outside of villainy. There are not many complex narratives surrounding them. This leads to our disabilities being downplayed, us being dehumanised, and we are seen more like props in real life, or simply tools to achieve a message in a narrative.
Tord's disability is never explicitly shown in the show. It is something more prevalent in Fanon, specifically in fanworks that focus on the "Future" era of the show's timeline, where the narrative and outside discussions on the show implies a high tech society, potentially dystopian, potentially a consequence of his actions. These ideas have taken a life of their own in the fandom, with many creators fully expressing these ideas. The problem arises when Red Leader falls in line with this trope. In many works, he is the sole disabled character, a figure of pure evil, or given little nuance in the narrative. Artists illustrate his scars as bright red, crimson, or, in TBATF, green. For some reason. In this way, they attempt to highlight the villainy by equating him with common symbols of evil: facial differences and disabilities. Unfortunately, these are not just symbols. These are conditions and scars that real people have, which the fandom tends to ignore in favor of dramatization.
This was a trope I most commonly saw explored in fanfiction when I first joined in 2016/17. The show, unfortunately, subtly and accidentally perpetrated it by having the only character visibly and irreparably "damaged" by the giant robot fight be Tord, despite the fact that Tom, who had a whole missile directed at him and got buried under a house, was fine with at most a leg injury and a cut on his arm. Luckily, we have grown past the need for ableist tropes, and the faults of the show can be left in the past!
... Not.
Disability tropes have simply evolved in how the fandom treats Tord. Even if it is now done with more consciousness and sympathy towards his character, ignorance still prevails. Let's talk about common pitfalls people fall into when writing him.
The Inaccurate Disability
In fanon perception, Red Leader is an amputee with a high tech prosthesis and a facial difference resulting from burn scars. Like many disabled characters, he suffers from a collective fandom lack of research. But never fret! That is what I have subjected myself to for the past four years, so your friendly neighborhood disabled Fish can tell you how to right your fandom wrongs! Just kidding! Take this as a pointer, and do your own research.
As is common with fictional prosthetics, his arm prosthetic is treated as a perfect fix for his amputation. It acts just like, if not better than an actual arm. The issue with this is that is isn't realistic. Yes, I know, I'm criticising Eddsworld fanfiction for not being realistic. STAY WITH ME HERE. Once again, if it was one instance, or a few, that explored prosthetics being incredibly functional in science-fiction, then it could be a cool concept. But when every sci-fi work has it, then that is no longer a concept. That is a misconception. And I have interacted with people who believed that prosthetics were 100% functional! The thing is, like all disability aids, it does not suddenly make us able-bodied. For example, I have ear defenders that I wear when I experience pain within my ears. But that does not mean my hearing will now become normal, and I will no longer experience pain from the sound I'm hearing. What WILL happen is that I will straight up not hear you. Like, literally. Can you repeat that? I had my ear defenders on. Oh, you're saying that my ear defenders aren't prosthetics and are not a fair comparison? Well, that's fair, but take this as an illustration of a disability aid and how they differ from able-bodied experiences. Also, many prosthetic users do many things without their prostheses, and some even prefer NOT to wear them. Blogs that explicitly cover disabled representation, such as @/cripplecharacters, have posts that cover WHY many amputees are not fans of this trope. The problem comes with that it erases disability, and yet also treats us like we are given a space at the table of representation. It's just another way that authors avoid actually doing research.
Other things that people tend to ignore are how burn scars, or any scars, would not only appear on a character, but also affect them. I have seen, aside from skin tones that looked like they were picked out of a crayon box instead of what would appear on a person, teeth exposed, wounds that look as if they are fresh from the explosion YEARS after they occurred, and what I like to call "paper shredder" scars. Because instead of them looking like burn or shrapnel scars, it appears as if his skin was put through a shredder. Once again, another consequence of the show's at most-30 second scene with questionable decisions that made massive ripples in the fandom. With the injuries Tord received, it is most likely that he would have two kinds of injuries: a burn on 18% of his body (minimum, based on rule of 9s), and/or shrapnel scars from debris. While shrapnel scars would manifest as darker scars, the burn scar would likely be a hypertrophic scar, as "70% of patients develop hypertrophic scars following burns" (Finnerty et. al). The scars, when healed, are warm toned on the boundaries of their areas and cool in between. When on a pale skintone, they are not too dissimilar, and would therefore not have such a drastic color difference as seen on skin. They would also not go down to the bone or skin, as that would be a completely different kind of injury, and are also commonly done to make him look "scarier", which then aids the Disabled Villain trope. It also treats these scars and injuries more like a work of fiction, rather than something that many real people have experienced, adding to continuous misinterpretations of real life disabilities and facial differences.
For writers wanting to include consequences of burns, what would be more likely to be affected are his hearing, vision, and nerves on the right side of his face, as burn scars can go as deep as nerve endings. Also, burn scars, especially third degree burns, require treatments, such as burn-specific skincare. Scars, especially burn scars, can affect you and become disabling. For artists, the main thing I don't see artists do is draw him with damaged hair follicles. Burn scars damage the scalp and eyebrows, preventing hair growth. I am sorry, but he would not still have fluffy, luscious hair. Do not kill me. He just wouldn't. And if you are saying that he had it in the show, I can't hear you because my ear defenders are on, but I hope you heard me, as we've gone over that the show is inaccurate and we should do our own research.
Even well intentioned authors and artists ignore many aspects of the disabilities he would likely have!
Which brings us to the last trope...
The Ignored Disability
Many well meaning people intend to give him nuance by trying to avoid the Disabled Villain trope. Accidentally, however, they end up completely ignoring his disabilities instead.
Just like the high-tech prosthetic, the real disabling aspects of having a disability are at best rarely mentioned. I have seen, in some fanworks, that he goes straight from amputation to having a prosthetic. And that is where his disability ends. Because the prosthetic ends up being a fix-all situation. Authors refuse, or forget, to include aspects of amputation, such as the healing process, stump or phantom pain. Artists will cover up his scars with a helmet or a mask, another trope that undermines his disabilities and attempts to brush it under the rug. I understand that there is a discomfort for able-bodied authors in thoroughly exploring how a character feels about their disability. That is something I think we should. Avoid. If you're not familiar with the experience of being that minority, you do not need to add commentary on it. And if you do, and it just falls into more negative tropes, I will send a salmon cannon at you (/j). However, I do not agree with brushing every disabling aspect of his life under the rug.
People can assume it's not a problem, like it isn't something blatantly apparent. But, if you assume that disability and being disabled is not a "big thing", you end up where your medication is denied because your insurance refuses to see your common procedure as not a necessary medical intervention because you're "too young". And that is not fiction. That is what inspired me to write this essay, because the day that I got that news was the same day I sat down and told myself that I needed to share my perspective on the perception of disabled characters by honing in on one of my favorite characters and how the fandom treated him.
Disabled characters deserve to be included in media, disability and all, with care given to how their life would operate as a result and what they would experience with their specific disability. That's why many people recommend sensitivity readers who can give proper insight upon that disability and can advise people to properly portray it.
But if you cannot afford or access that resource, what can you do?
Fish's Non-Cohesive List of Ways I Tried to Write Tord as a Non-Amputee Without a Facial Difference
Do research!! The more you are to try to understand what you are writing about, the less you are to misinterpret or misrepresent it.
Look into resources that focus on portraying disabled characters, especially with those you wish to write about. Read blogs, research tropes that are common in disabled characters, and hell, read medical journals. They can provide great insight (<< nerd who likes reading medical journals)
Include more disabled characters. Make the other boys be disabled! Want to be canon compliant? Create OCs who have disabilities! I have a bunch! It's 2024! Be cringe and be free! The character's disability would go against the traditional narrative form of "usefulness"? I'm an animator who can't wear headphones and a theatre performer who can't physically handle the volume of a band. And yet, we find ways to persist, to exist. We will always find our way to live in the way we want to, in whatever way we can.
Look into disability activism. Learn the difference between the Medical Model and Social Model of disability. Know what an invisible disability is. Listen to us when we say that we don't want to be treated as special or an inspiration for simply living (inspiration porn). The more you are aware of what we struggle in real life, the more aware you will be to not repeat those mistakes in your fiction.
Write what you can. Highlight little talked about aspects of having a burn scar or being an amputee, such as the recovery, or treatment for the chronic pain, or how different he would be in battle due to decreased depth perception. As a disabled author, I have personally touched on the experience of gaining a disability later in life, and how he copes with it. Now, not all of y'all can do that. But that is a personal experience I do have, and it is something I have highlighted in my own work. So, while I couldn't tell you the ins and outs of having a burn scar or a prosthetic arm, I could describe the shock and frustration that comes with suddenly experiencing difficulties, or even being unable to do what you had done before.
I ask that, if you are willing to do better, or to start on the right foot, you take what I have written, reflect on it, and treat disabled characters, and in turn, disabled people, better from here on out.
Fiction is not reality, but the way we deal with it is reflective of who we are and what we believe. The boundary for our own personal being does not suddenly stop within fiction. When we interact and interpret it and create for it, it is integral that we remain conscious that bigotry runs rampant, albeit often as an unseen force, within fandom spaces, and do our best to counteract that.
I have doubts that the new eddisode will treat this topic with the same respect. I hope you can all go forward with what you have read in this WAY LONGER than I expected essay, and do what those grown British men cannot. Even if they erase it, retconn it, or do not treat it with respect, let's all go forward and do better!
As for always, you can discuss more in the tags or my inbox!
I hope you have a wonderful life,
Fish
#eddsworld#personal thoughts#orf.essays#tord#ew tord#eddsworld tord#eddswolrd#you know what? mass taging this one#this is a really important topic to me#eddsworld tom#ew tom#eddsworld fanart#ew fanart#actually im gonna stop#i felt bad#disabilties in fiction#disability tropes#IM SORRY IF I CLOG THOSE TAGS#I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS APPLICABLE#i nearly cried making this#like fully honest#i straight up was on the verge of tears#please be nice y'all.
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THE. WAY. MEN. LIE. TO. YOU. AND. HOW. HARD. THEY. TRY. TO. MAKE. IT. BELIEVABLE. WILL. NEVER. NOT. BE. HILARIOUS. TO. ME.
#like dude you are trying too hard#ngl it does fuck with my head#but I also find it amusing#sighs#men....#personal thoughts#spilled thoughts#spilled words#desiblr#desi tumblr
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Levi is such a hard character to write dialogue for because he says very little, so everything that comes out of his mouth needs to be laced with alternate meaning. But he also isn't good at putting his thoughts into words, so what he says has to make only partial sense. You've got to keep in mind that this character is connecting dots A,B,C, and D in his head, while only speaking to points A and D.
Anyway, I'm working on editing the next chapter of my current fic, and I've been thinking about these things.
#levi#levi ackerman#captain levi#attack on titan fanfiction#levi ackerman fanfiction#levi fanfiction#shingeki no kyojin fanfiction#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#aot#snk#personal thoughts
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time to draw hypnotized men
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thought of the day
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