3o1am - Tumblr blog

[3o1am]

why can't I just be better

[3o1am]

I started taking antidepressants.

I have a weird mix of shame and disappointment in myself about it but I don't think that's very logical. So far I don't think I like it much, it makes me feel kinda weird but I'm still getting used to it. I hope things get better. I started waking up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night having panic attacks, even sleeping next to my boyfriend, and that's...just not acceptable. So. I think it was needed. But I'm not exactly very happy about it.

[3o1am]

"5 years ago I woke up that Friday morning and I didn't know you yet. And then today, 5 years after that afternoon, we woke up here together in the same bed."

5 years.

I love you. 💖

[3o1am]

I'm going to take a hot bath and read my book after work. My boss brought me a homemade lunch from the dinner she made last night just for me to try just because I said it sounded yummy and to enjoy. I'm in a warm cozy sweater and I'm not busy and there's nothing here to stress about.

Trying to find a little happiness in that. Those are some very nice things that I could be happy about.

[3o1am]

There's just something really wrong in my brain right now and I'm not entirely sure how to fix it. Like...I am having a really hard time finding the joy in life during the average week. I travel to see my boyfriend every weekend and it's honestly literally devastating every time I have to go home. I have the best time there. We have a good routine and we do all sorts of stuff together and it's just very peaceful. We're going as fast as we can trying to close the distance, I mean there's only so much you can do when you need a job offer before you can start, but...I just feel a little bit stuck in my situation and I'm struggling looking at the state of the world right now to see the joy anywhere else. It's just very hard to be an average person living in the world I think.

And I struggle with wanting to lean on my boyfriend. When I'm like this I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and genuinely just being in the same room as him and doing our own things is so helpful. I just wish I didn't have so much spare time to sit around and think about how bummed out I am. Work doesn't keep me busy. I drive for hours alone each weekend...

And I don't even mind the drive! Once winter is over it'll be warm and sunny in a way that actually shines off the water and the trees are green and everything is lush and beautiful...it's a perfectly lovely drive. It's just when I'm headed back that I have a hard time because I'm so sad and I'm alone and I can't really reach out to anyone since I'm at the wheel so it's too much time to just think and think and think. I called him last weekend just sobbing because I was overthinking about something he said as I was leaving and after two hours I couldn't take it anymore and just called, but it's so embarassing that I did that. It's so embarassing and stupid that I cry every time but I'm just so ready to not be saying goodbye all the time. I'm excited not to be living out of a suitcase, to stop leaving my stuff on his floor every weekend and then shoving it all back in a bag and going away again.

Anyway this is a big ramble. I just need things to feel a little less hard soon. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me but there's a small piece of me that feels like I need to get it together or else he's gonna get tired of me..and I don't want that to happen. I'm not used to being able to lean on someone...and knowing that he wants me to be able to lean on him at least a little doesn't help...not that no one has ever been there for me or anything, just...my mental health struggles have always kind of been just mine to handle. My parents had their hands full growing up and I wouldn't say I was "the good one" or anything like that but I was relatively self sufficient and managed myself because if I didn't no one else would really be paying attention.

[3o1am]

It's very hard to sleep when I can't rest my head on your chest and feel you breathing in and out. That gentle rhythm alone does so much to lull me to sleep...

[3o1am]

you're so gentle with me. I feel safe with you 💖

[3o1am]

And now New Year's...I just want to spend all my days with you 🙃💖 I miss you and I wish I wasn't so annoying but I just...ache for missing you darling.

I got to kiss you at midnight last year...I hope this is the last time I don't get to do that 💖

[3o1am]

It's Christmas 💖 I hope I get to hear your voice today.

[3o1am]

It's been a really hard couple days to be without you. I genuinely am so happy that you're there and that you're having fun and I've had a nice couple of days too but genuinely my heart aches not being able to spend Christmas together 💖

[3o1am]

It wasn't on the day, but the day we chose to celebrate my birthday (so we could celebrate together in the same place knowing we wouldn't be able to on the real day) was so sweet.

In the cold and the rain we walked to pick up an ice cream cake. 41 pounds of it. I think there are still pieces in his freezer.

He insisted on taking a picture of me with the little cake, in his little apartment, just the two of us. I think I looked disheveled from walking in the wind and the rain but I don't mind if he has bad pictures of me.

The two of us in bed with our ice cream, he leans close and asks me if I want him to sing happy birthday to me. I laugh, I always laugh, and say he doesn't have to do that. He does anyway.

It's soft and sweet and punctuated with a kiss. I think I blushed and threw my arms around him to hug him tightly.

I want him to hug me tightly again.

December is a difficult month for being apart. Holidays and birthdays and plans that keep us each busy. But he makes me feel loved through it all and the snow will melt again eventually.

[3o1am]

“There’s no point in grieving,

This pattern is just repeating.

I’ve seen those tears before,

And they’re something I ignore.

To me it always seems I am leaving.

Well, to me it always seems I am gone.”

[3o1am]

I'm not sure what exactly the issue is but I feel like there's something wrong with me. I can reason with myself that everything is okay and I think I can even believe it on some level, but another very loud part of me just feels so desperately sad and lonely and I just...

I want a happy normal life. I want to make dinner together and have a routine. I want my toothbrush to live in a cup next to his. I want to share a space that really belongs to both of us and decorate it together. I want to be there for his birthday. I want him to be close for mine. I wanna spoon him in bed and watch him play video games over his shoulder.

I'm terrified that he's going to fall out of love with me before we finally get to start having a normal happy life together. I'm scared I'm never gonna get there. I'm scared something will happen or go wrong or one of us will get hurt or sick and it'll never happen for us.

I feel so terrible when I have negative emotions, and even more so when I have to actually express them. I feel ashamed for not having it all together, for not being able to talk myself out of bad thoughts. I've been thinking more and more about the medication sitting on my nightstand. I'm still pretty terrified to take it. But maybe medicine is what I need to get better? It can't be normal to sit and spiral and worry and ache so deeply inside my chest I feel like I can't catch my breath.

I don't want you to see me like that. I just want a normal happy life with you.

[3o1am]

my long distance boyfriend asked me to read one of his favourite book series so obviously I went running and picked it up and started reading right away.

and I loved it. It's one of my absolute favourite series now, I recommend it all the time too.

one day in the morning before I had to go out for errands he asked me what chapter I was on. I told him what was going on in the book without much thought because I thought he wanted a progress update, he loved to hear what I thought and what I was theorizing. he asked me not to read more for a little while.

while I was out he sent me a link to a private YouTube video. Forty minutes long, addressed to me. he had recorded himself reading the next chapter to me. sent it so I could listen and read along at my leisure. he reclined in his bed alongside the camera and read in this soft, sweet tone; it was like I was lying in bed next to him. he read for forty minutes.

I don't think anyone has ever done something as sweet as that for me before.

the little cherry on top is coincidentally it was the chapter where the main character and her future love interest meet for the very first time.

I think about that a lot. That was a very special gift. Now he reads to me whenever I ask. We're still long distance but now we call and he reads and his voice makes me feel so sleepy while he tells me stories. sometimes I read too but I feel self conscious when I read aloud. he seems to love it as much as I do though so I read when he's the one who's too sleepy.

how on earth did I get so lucky.

[3o1am]

I don't know if you have it out all the time but I think it's sweet that you put the tie blanket on the bed when I'm there...I like being able to snuggle with you under the blanket we made together 💖

[3o1am]

I want to be the support for you that you are for me. I hope that when you're falling asleep at night you're thinking about me the way that I always think about you

[3o1am]

Sometimes I browse wedding dresses and rings and things and imagine what it might be like when we finally get there.