42ndmoon

[42ndmoon]

how do i put my mind on mute

[42ndmoon]

when kafka said "all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding" and when richard siken said “if you love me, you don’t love me in a way I understand.”

[42ndmoon]

idek what's worse rn; my physical health or my mental health

[42ndmoon]

self reflection is a good thing but too much self analysis is so exhausting. constantly questioning your own motives and how you're being perceived and whether or not you're being real and what's authentic leads to such a convoluted mentality like. u don't even know who you are cause you just end up being a case study and not a person. i just want to let myself move through the world for a moment

[42ndmoon]

You know you’re too fat when people know you aren’t eating properly yet they aren’t concerned.

[42ndmoon]

“Had my silence really been a silence, or a loud voice that is mute?”

— Clarice Lispector, The Passion According to GH

[42ndmoon]

Me to my thighs: guys, stop touching each other, we’re in public

[42ndmoon]

[42ndmoon]

Anais Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

[42ndmoon]

a lil personal sob story about the worst year of my life: 2019

tw!!! mentions of: depression, self harm, eating disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, sexual harassment

i'm writing this on 19th january, 2020, 4:06am.

i really feel like shit.

i decided yesterday was the last day for me to have the privilege to enjoy things i like to eat. i've been always someone who starts eating mass of sweet stuff as a comfort when they're depressed but now it has to stop. now this whole crucial shit will start again. it's ironic bc it's been almost a year since this whole eating disorder thing even started. february 2019 until summer 2019 was probably the worst time of my life. and as the self-destructive person that i am, i'm wanting this time back.

during winter my depression gets so worse, i really can't breathe sometimes. usually i cry a lot, not necessarily bc im sad, but bc im very emotional and that's the only way i can express myself i guess. idk just sometimes i cry out of nowhere for no specific reason, it just helps me to cope with these enormous emotions that have built up inside of me. i just don't have another way to get rid of them. but during winter it's different. even if i wanted to, i couldn't cry. but instead of my emotions all swelling up bc of that, i just feel an emptiness that is slowly eating me up and weights hard on my chest.

when i feel like this, i always start to hurt or punishing myself in someway. when i was younger it used to be cutting myself, but after some accident i promised myself to never do that again. since then the years afterwards i started to push everyone around me away and shutting myself up even more as way to harm myself. and since last year it seems like i also started to starve myself as a punishment.

but that's not how it started exactly. eating disorders have many shapes and come in many different ways, but for me it started rather simple: i want to be skinny. let's lose some weight.

i've had always struggles with my body and a very low selfesteem. so.. with the fuel of my self-destructiveness, that diet escalated rather quickly. 2000 cals a day are considered healthy for a woman. soon enough i found 800 cals too much, then 500 cals, til i only allowed myself 150 cals a day. and it didn't happen rarely that i was just eating nothing for days. i was fully aware of what i'm doing and that this is not a healthy nor efficient way to lose weight. but i didn't care. for me this was the only way. my life was possessed by numbers. the numbers my scale showed me, the number of calories the food i ate had. and in a very strange and twisted way, i liked it, i didn't want to let go of it.

during this time i probably had the most anxiety and panic attacks than i've ever had. there was one time where it was specifically worse, i had to put on loud music, so the neighbors wouldn't hear my screams. the next day i had scratches and bruises all over my body. i've had beaten myself pretty much up because i was so ashamed and frustrated with my body.

i wish i could end this point on a good note, saying that i've recovered but its already written in the beginning. it's starting all over again.

but now to the last point that really shaped this fucked 2019 for me. someone i called my friend for years, betrayed my trust in probably the worst way. it was summer 2019, during that time we were really close, we had the similar interests and it was just easy to talk and joke around with him. we were visiting some part of his family during summer holidays since they had a pool and stuff. another friend was also supposed to come too but she couldn't make it. when i arrived there, ready to stay for 10 days, i was told i would be sleeping in the same bed as him. i didn't mind, since the bed was fucking huge and he was a friend i trusted so what could go wrong right? well lots. he took advantage of me when he thought i was sleeping and started to touch me. i was so scared and uncomfortable, i felt so filthy and i just wanted to push him away. but as i became aware of my situation i couldn't move. i was far from home, no phone signal and i don't have a car (and license) nor enough money to get home by myself. so if he got mad or anything what would i do? so i endured every night i was there. it was hell. i couldn't believe he was the same person i've known for years.

after i got home i didn't broke contact with him. i was still so shocked. i spent nights staying awake and thinking. when school started i just went on with my life and forced myself to forget about it. and if i couldn't forget about it, i was telling myself that what happened was all just imagination. i put all my force into convincing myself that this clearly didn't happen and still remained 'friends' with him. but as time passed i grew more and more passive aggressive towards him and more sleepless nights occoured where i couldn't get rid of the feeling of these bastards hands on my body. so of course one day he asked if something was bothering me and asked me if he did anything wrong. i ignored him at first. he kept trying to make me talk until i exploded. that happend at the beginning november 2019. 3 months after he touched me, i finally were able to process what happened. yeah so basically i got very mad, told him why i was mad and said he should leave me alone. he never contacted me again after i said that.

only last month, december 2019, i was able to talk with a friend about it. ever since then i'm scared to be with any man alone. i noticed that when my mom went grocery shopping and i was left alone with her boyfriend at home. i locked my room and was still panicking.

and that's how 2019 ended for me.

[42ndmoon]

“It is my own emotional nature which will kill me, for it rules me, blinds me, sways me, torments me.”

— Anais Nin, Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1939-1947

[42ndmoon]

Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

[42ndmoon]

having a body causes me so much agony i wish i was just a floating entity with no physical form

[42ndmoon]

Me logging back into ED tumblr after spending a month binging and calling it “recovery”

[42ndmoon]

I hate diet talk, I hate the normalised fucking diet pills, diet shakes, meal supplements, I hate the weight loss tips in magazines and the constant glorification of calorie free, I fucking hate it

[42ndmoon]

[42ndmoon]

clown (self diagnosed)