49datesandcounting

[49datesandcounting]

49 Dates and Counting....

I sit here in a corner bar in OTR, short for Over the Rhine, an up and coming district in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am here because I had a date scheduled for 5:30PM. A first date that is. We were meeting for happy hour at the Lackman. The bar is very hipster, which is not my typical place to resonate to say the least, but it has a very calming vibe that brings me a weird sense of peace. I sit here and listen to the alternative yet upbeat music playing quietly in the background and I also take a look around and wonder how many of these people have suffered through …okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so overdramatic…how many of these people have “experienced” online dating? My hipster date canceled on me at 3:45PM. 🙄 If this has happened to you before, I feel the rolling eye emoji speaks for itself, BUT I will spell it out for those new to this scene....”Now, hipster date, tell me did you really find out at 3:45PM that you had to pick your daughter up from band practice?” I used to give bumblers/tinderers/matchers/eharmoniers/etc. the benefit of the doubt. This has changed over the years of dealing with last minute cancellations. I am willing to bet he forgot he had to pick up his daughter. STRIKE ONE. Irresponsible parent. OR maybe the boys from work offered a better happy hour option he couldn’t refuse? STRIKE TWO. Rude and not ready for a relationship. Or maybe, just maybe, this is true, that he did find out at 3:45PM he had to pick up his daughter, but probably most likely from his crazy ex who sprung this on him at the last minute. STRIKE 3 – ain’t no body cool with baby mama drama. Oh…so if he canceled, why am I still here at this bar…well, I was already dressed and ready to roll and had changed my work plans to make this 5:30 happy hour date happen. No big deal – hipster dude, I am going to go on this date without you. 🖕

I will be the first to acknowledge that online dating has worked for several couples I know. They don’t have any horror stories. They went out with a few nice people. By the 3rd try, they had found their soul mate and now live happily ever after. I have heard of this potential bliss it can offer to us singletons. However, after 6 years of giving it “the old college try,” I am convinced, that these married, happy, blissful people probably settled or are just lucky sons of bitches.

So just how many dates have I been on exactly??? Welllllll…..To be honest, it’s hard to be exactly sure, I lost count along the way, but there are 49 men I can remember that I met through online dating. I am sure there are other people out there whose dating numbers far exceed 49. God bless you by the way. But keep in mind, when I date, it is NOT to look for a hook up, nor am I bored person looking for something to fill my time. In fact, I am a super busy person. I own my own business. So every moment I devote to a committed date is precious to me. It generally involves schedule rearranging, scheduling blocking, shift covering, etc. “Yeah that’s right, I changed my whole schedule around for you, YOU BETTER FUCKING SHOW UP.”

I know exactly what a lot of you are thinking… “There must be something wrong with you, Erin. How can you NOT make it work with 49 different options?  Surely, there had to be some good catches along the way.” I have contemplated this therapeutic assumption about myself as well. We can take the comparison of the person who keeps getting fired from job after job after job. Let’s call him Derek. Derek claims the boss had too many expectations or was mean or had him working crazy hours or screwed up his schedule, etc. They never take the blame. It’s always someone else’s fault, when in fact, “Derek, you are a just a lazy son of a bitch who is irresponsible and can’t hold a job:” So maybe this is me in dating form. Most of the men have not worked out because (or at least I claim) that they are rude or emotionally unavailable or sometimes overly available or “baby men” - (you will hear a lot more about this term in future blogs), or alcoholics or self absorbed or into fucked up shit or just downright crazy. I think to myself that I am normal and how can I keep going out with these men that are SO NOT normal. I guess it’s possible through self reflection that I will come to a different conclusion. I’ll let you guys be the judge through this blog...

So let’s start with a little background on myself. I am 37 years old. I have never been married, nor do I have any children. I was born and raised in a white, middle class family. Firefighter dad. Nurse mom. Great loving parents. We were not rich, but we had plenty growing up. I went to college and earned a chemical engineering degree (PS - That’s not it. That’s not what is wrong with me. I’m not an enginerd. Math jokes repulse me. Sorry engineering friends! But you know you guys get way too much excitement about applying thermodynamic equations to sexual innuendos). Spent 6 years with a prominent global organization as a technical sales representative and eventually opened a gym. Yep – that’s right, a gym. I went to a small local gym as a client. The man who ran it was irresponsible, selfish, lazy, not personable, cheating on his wife with a fellow member and completely unqualified. I thought to myself, “If this fucker can do it, anyone can.” So I dedicated the next 8 years of my life to starting, running, growing a very successful local gym. In conclusion, I am pretty darn smart, hardworking and successful. Since I own a gym, it probably goes without saying, that I am in good shape. Also I am attractive. I’m not a 10, but probably a solid 7.5. I feel the need to mention looks. Yes, we can all tell ourselves that looks don’t matter. It’s about what’s inside that counts and the connection you develop. While I am a true believer in this fairy tale, it cannot be ignored that attraction is a real thing and that the many means of online dating has subjected us to evaluate people on their appearance. Swipe Right if you agree 😬

So how did it all begin??? I had just gotten out of a TERRIBLE relationship to say the very least. The relationship lasted 2 years. The first year was an affair, and the second year was us together where every day of that year he regretted our affair. HE WAS NOT MARRIED. But he had been with the same woman for 7 years and was living with her.  He was a good friend of mine. As our friendship grew stronger, so did the attraction and eventually the cheating commenced. It was a typical affair. He was telling me day in and day out that he was going to leave her. He never actually did leave her, but rather got caught through social media messages (typical, huh?). And that is how our one magical year together began. I could go on and on about the way I was treated by him and the regret I felt towards the situation and the anguish it left me with for many months following. But the sum of it all is that it was over. He never loved me and was definitely still in love with his ex. And so I left him and made the decision to start over. And just for shits and giggles, I’ll thrown this in...he is married to that woman now and they have two beautiful children. I do not say that with sarcasm. I am truly happy for them and so glad my indiscretion did not damage a future marriage. 

After the break up, I figured I would give this whole online dating thing a try. Online dating was acceptable at this time frame. It was no longer an embarrassment to admit to meeting your significant other by these means. However, it was still pre-tinder times. This means rather than swiping left or right on your tiny iPhone screen, you were looking at a large screen of your computer of MANY potential suitors. You would click on the most attractive one and start judging...oops I mean reading...about their life choices. Were they divorced, widowed, forever single? Did they smoke? What was their religion? What was their political view? Do they have kids? Do they want kids? Did they workout (which by the way - EVERYONE lies about this. Very rarely doesn't anyone just say...” I never workout, minimal activity, stay at home and play videos every Saturday night.”)

My first date was a match.com date and we went to Panera bread for lunch. We had attended the same college and we were about the same age and he was relatively attractive in his pictures. I wish I had more to say about this guy. I don’t even remember his name. The date was fine. He was not as attractive as his pictures showed and probably about 20lbs heavier. But it was not his looks that turned me away.  I did not feel “the spark” that I thought I was supposed to feel back then. Now 6 years and 48 dates later - will someone please tell me what the fuck “the spark” is? 

And so it began, date #1 of 49 dates and still counting....