68127knz-blog

[68127knz-blog]

New

I'm new to this. I'm not so sure I am looking for followers or forwards. I am still in the wake of serious domestic violence. He is in jail. 210 days, already served 48 when sentenced in mid April. That is nearly 3x what the state suggest DV cases are sentenced... Second offense too. 93 days. That's all they believe is needed to reprimand an individual for being violent against another A SECOND TIME! I don't sleep at night. I have severe anxiety and paranoia. To concrete these, I get harassing messages from his 'brother' and see his mother snooping through my neighborhood. I'd like to, as so many victims do, not see my perpertrator as the guilty one. I'd like to blame his mother. She was an alcoholic. They have a title for people raised by alcoholic parents - Adult Children of Alcholics. Seemingly fitting title. He had all the features of an adult man, and they were truly smashing. The bluest eyes you could ever see. Brilliant smile. Pizzazz. Quite a one of kind person. But his adult words and adult actions were his own. His adult mother, whom has the maturity level of about a 14 year old, cannot be blamed, entirely. He didn't have to reflect her image though. His father was/is so much more of a human being. A great example of what he could've become, in his own ways, of course. But of course, all is his father's fault in life and his mother is innocent. I never bought in to that. Narcisstic sociopath. Narcisstic personality disorder. Surrogate spouse disorder. These are terms all people should be talked to about from about age 14 on. All people should be made aware of what these things are. Surrogate spousing is, in my belief, a large reason why there is such a high rate of divorce these days. It's rather sickening to see this constant broadcast that 'mommy knows you best and will love you most forever and ever'. I don't think so. Mommy is to raise you to be a good person, do the right things, respect and love women, just as Daddy does to her. But that's the missing link. Mommy really hates Daddy and vice versa so mommy surrogates son. Systematically manipulating her son, herself, her marriage and all of their lives proceeding. When you think of the reality you are creating, what makes your son actually fully devote himself to his wife if he has this constant brigade of manipulation? You get him for the first approximate 18 years... Out of what could be 100... Even if it's only 70... His wife will have an assured 50. In our world today, I'm going to guess you will be gone the last 20. WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR SON TO EVEN COMPARE, CONTRAST OR CONTEMPLATE REFLECTION BETWEEN YOURSELF AND HIS WIFE?! Why wouldn't you encourage him to see her side of things. Be objective for all women. Not just coddle 'your mama's boy'?! He isn't yours. He might be your son but he isn't your forever. These are all issues that demolished my life with what seemed to be my soulmate. So much of his wants, beliefs and desires reflected everything I wanted in my life. I thought I was crazy for having these thoughts and kept them to myself. Then I met him. He would tell me these wild ideas of living, how to get back to where we should be, how to be free. He was my dream come true. Such validation. So simplicitic. I felt like I'd won the jackpot. But a bitter, jealous, insecure, manipulative mother filtered her depraved thoughts and emotions into his blind eyes. Such a sick human to target her son, his beautiful future. He was on his way to have the life she only dreamed of... With a mate that cared for him more deeply than any mother can care for a son. I am everything. I am a great package. But I will not compete nor contend with a manipulative mother. I don't play games and I cross out all the bullshit women do. When I'm able to point out 'mommy dearest' playing her shit, I make it clear and I request boundaries be defined. In this sickening duo, of sorts, I was winning. He was going to follow the natural path of life and fly, far from her unkempt, haphazard nest. It had to be with a great deal of my terms and I wasn't budging. Then the guilt trip occurred. She'd already bailed on him his entire youth being drunk then completely vacated at age 12. Didn't even attempt to speak to him for a year. All her choice. A choice I later found out was made directly to his face. What anguish he must have felt... She created this entire (disgusting) surrogate lifestyle with him only to leave him with his father. Developing him to hate his father his entire life to being gone. Now, that plays a tricky part on the human mind. He never got over it. Things got worse after that. He lived a life you'd think only happened in Hollywood because it seemed so exaggerated to what normal was. But don't we all? And then we get over it and grow up... Regardless, as our future blossomed beautifully and I quickly showed I was everything he'd been searching for his entire life, his mother pushed and pushed. Striking the idea that I was trying to part them, not her parting us. She'd ask for money when we needed it. She'd ask for time and favors of him when I needed him. She'd persuade that since I'm so able, she's so eldered, he should be there with her helping, not me. As I began to notice the sway, I simply pointed it out. Of course I can manage with or without him but I didn't argue either. I simply made it clear if I was going to do on my own, I was going to do ON MY OWN. I know the abuse began long ago. But after I felt like I was stuck. Mental, emotional, sexual for a long time. It only became physical when I'd had enough and was going to leave. Very typical in these situations. I believed in him, his responses and reactions in the proceedings immediately after... He'd go through therapy. He'd get better. Etc etc etc. One cross meeting with his therapist and I found out he'd done nothing but lie to her. When I confronted him, he refused to go again. One year plus one month and I took the hardest hand smack to the chest, sending me flying down the stairs. As you can see I am long winded and bouncy with topic... So I'll detail both fights another sleepless night. I left. I've gone through proper avenues of justice. Though it lifts my spirits, I still am conflicted. I don't sleep very well. The only reason I think I eat is because I'm pregnant... Yes, another shocking avenue there. I have flashbacks nearly every conversation I have with anyone... Everything triggers a memory that leads to abuse... Everything with him was, in some form, abuse. I feel like I have no one to talk to and realistically I want to stop talking about it. But the thoughts keep me up at night. The memories. The future plans. What were missing out on. My children. Their thoughts. My drive. My desires to (re)create our future, without anyone else. I'm a strong person. Unless you've gone through this, you don't understand. It's not so easy to just pick up and move on. It feels like I'm chained at the ankles in a flood when it's still pouring rain. I've written this current blog for an hour. It's 1235a. I am tired but sleepless tired. Insomnia of sorts. I hope writing when my mind is like this helps. I try not to but I watch shows about domestic violence. My case fits some where in the 2/3rds... Maybe higher. There's surely been worse but mine was pretty bad overall. It's such a weird dynamic in humanity... Violence. People becoming violent. Ok, beginning to feel the sleep... Another night...