6afurah - Tumblr blog

[6afurah]

$3 Advance Tickets

[6afurah]

[6afurah]

Hey yeah it's been a while

Hey, No one is listening anyways.

Siapa je nak baca this account,

You know what I saw today?

Salma's blog website,

you know what i realized?

I am just so jealous, I am the lesser version of this girl, maybe she was never a homewrecker maybe i just lost because maybe just maybe maybe maybe MAYBE i SUCK.

Maybe I will always be less refined than her or any other girls Ismail was into, maybe i will always have frays and tears and look like something you find in the free pile section of car boot sales and independent thrift stores. Maybe i just suck, maybe i just suck to everyone that isn't me, maybe I'm the only one who actually likes me.

Maybe that's why I cant change and all i can do is sit and feel insecure over things I don't want to change because i like myself too much.

Writing? She writes too? You know what's something I've always wanted to tell people? That I wanted to write but I dont have the patience nor the memory for it, that my writing comes in my brain and disappears the moment i hold a pen. The moment I hold pen and press it onto the paper, it just disappears and my pen is just left there getting dried and I don't even keep trying i just accept the fact I can't fucking write and I keep consuming books and knowing what constitutes as a good book and a bad book but never able to WRITE because this is what happens when you have the brain of a gold fish that sounds like 4 sentences are being written at the same time, when your fingers move faster than your mind can even form sentences.

My whole life all those around tell me I'm brilliant full of potential, I just need to be more refined.

What if I'm not fucking refined, guys? Is this not fucking art to you? is this not fucking literature to you? Is a human being blowing up out of jealousy, insecurity, self hatred, self acceptance, self love, conflicting ideas, not complex enough for your bullshit ideas of what constitutes as art? Is this not what you wanted? did you not want a think piece of someone blowing up? losing their mind on a blog that NO ONE will see? Is this not a performance in it's own right? to scream into an outlet that will NEVER be discovered ? Since when did writing and at have to be refined? where the fuck is the genre for people like me who can't seem to find it in themselves to slow down and pace my pharagraphs? to not wind around the same topic over and over and over again?

Where's the appreciation for writers like sara pennypacker? was it not whimsical enough to catch your idea of what the mind of a creative child is like?

Am i just a poser?

Am i just trying to grow out of Salma's shadow?

It's not her fault you know, It's not Ismail's fault too,

I'm done being angry at either of them, So what now? What do you do when you're done hating something for so long and realize you're not feeling shit anymore but all that's left is hollowness in your core, a gaping hole meant to be filled with the shit your peers said you'd eventually succeed at, I am neither a failure of the expectations put upon me or a success in my own eyes, I'm just someone who lacks direction, drive, focus and patience.

Neither a good or bad thing,

so why the fuck does the world make me feel so bad for being both the tip of mediocrity and contradiction at the same time?

Is the cat, In the FUCKING BOX OR NOT?

You know fuck it, I can write.

You want to see me write, I can.

I'll write better than Ismail, and salma because unlike those retards I actually spent my teen years reading actual shit, I wasn't wasting time on skype like dumbasses who think they're the shit , who think they're developed people, padahal

have never actually endured real fucking problems.

Fuck ismail and Salma, aku tak marah with them anymore and I want to cement the fact I am in fact better than both of them COMBINED as people.

man, what the fuck is up with bitterness.

Also, i got off at court, case got dropped ( not exactly but chances are yes )

I'm back to studying

and also i never ended up finishing that project for ismail and you know what it's fine, I dont have the mental energy to make a love cd for anyone in my life right now.

[6afurah]

[6afurah]

[6afurah]

[6afurah]

always

[6afurah]

Losing weight

I'm on a calorie deficit, Honestly i feel braindead because of it. Also some clients are so dumb cam, nak yang elok tapi bagi masa nak buat dalam 3 hari tak ke gila, To top it off, Material pun tak bagi banyak, psycho ke apa. I got my car back so cam lega jugak. Tomorrow is gonna be an off day for me and sunday too, sumpah aku tak nak hadap kerja LANGSUNG.

I'll be focusing on my project for ismails bday on sunday

sabtu i nak keluar jumpa lana

[6afurah]

On the future

So today ismail's vinyl came in. I'm going to hop over to amcorp on the weekends to see if i can find a good turntable for cheap. I think it'll be a nice gift ( also i kinda want one for myself and im sure he'll let me use it too lol ) The vinyl i got him even comes with a poster i am 100% he'll love it.

But on the topic of his birthday next week,

it's really got me thinking a bunch,

I honestly know he loves me and all that. Without a doubt, in terms of love u know. but i don't know, something feels off, aside from the love thing. could just be me being idk you know paranoid me. Yesterday we discussed about what music we wanna make, and started a playlist for it too.

he's really great, i honestly just feel less alone with this person because we love and want the same things, i've honestly never felt that way about anyone before like that, ive loved other people but i dont think ive really felt what it is im feeling for ismail.

i don't know, maybe it was just the whole marriage thing, He was supposed to marry salma and she's getting engaged, He also met someone else after me, but it didnt work out bcs apparently something something tak sama vision la entah aku pun tak tahu lmfao

I guess it just

annoys me i'm not a girlfriend yet, and even when i am a girlfriend,

why do i get the feeling that this person has no want to marry me at all. He probably doesnt, and i guess it makes sense since we're only on good terms now, 3/4 months

but we've known eachother for a while now, this all doesn't bother me that much to be honest, its just upsetting how my parents don't like him anymore n his parents dont even know i exist

like it all just got thrown out, it feels good writing this down i guess. I dont feel like talking to him about it bcs tbh If he wants to do something about us or make it proper, he has his chance to do so, I'll give him time but honestly, I hate how if someone came along and offered something more concrete that i'd consider it. i love him like on god, dont get me wrong, and tbh i probably wouldnt even budge if someone else wanted me, but i think I just want to be a part of his life again and vice versa, not some weird secret where it's just the two of us.

Whatever, thinking about this just makes me angry.

my birthday happened a few days back, being 22 is not relieving at all. I always feel relief when i get older but now it's just replaced with this weird sense of dread tbh

i missed therapy roday i totally forgot about it. also my left eye hurts and idk why but maybe i need to take a break on the whole eyelash extension thing kejap lololol

if it still feels weird ill get them removed.

i also feel like taking a break from social media, no particular reason, i think its just a thing i feel from time to time.

working at an office i realize, you're just sort of

waiting for stuff to happen most of the time and it gets really boring.

oh i also gained so much weight, like 8 kg idk how i did that but i'm hoping to lose the weight soon. I'm on a calorie deficit right now, but its sort of hard to be consistent since i eat out with people and not eating a normal amount kinda weird people out and i kinda dont wanna weird people out u know???

I wonder when gjie is going to come back to office,

i really suck at scripting radio ads lololol Idk its surprisingly kinda hard to do, and i think its because i dont know how to make something not too formal and not too casual.

I wish my radio station was a little more relaxed. Maybe one day, i'll make my own radio station. Idk its just a funny idea, but it would be cool i think. Just me and myself.

I dont think anyone would listen to it though,

i like to think i'm interesting as a person

but i think i'm not so great nowadays, i'm not as interesting as i thought i was. I also kind of miss my long hair. Its nice having less weight on your hair but , I miss the comfort of long hair, just made me feel protected

[6afurah]

On pity and lazy people , favors, generally just people with 0 shame

People who pity you and people who want to 'network' with u are dumb as shit.

Frankly, i'm doing great and i don't want anyone mooching off me. bcs when i had it hard no one helped me.

court was ass, dpp pemalas maka, case kena tangguh lagi, but it is what it is i guess.

I dont like pity, I hate that shit, i used to want it but after shifting my mental from wanting to be rescued to being disappointed to finally coming around to rescue myself, i really don;t like any pity unless its coming from someone who has pulled through for me.

selain itu,

i've been trying to come up with a cool project sempena hari jadi ismail, Also im too lazy to make an alias for everyone. i'm not famous or anything so no ones gonna find this blog.

But if someone DOES,,,

i just wanna say idc, u can stalk me its cool.

tbh paling paling aku rasa ismail je la kot and kyle ig will eventually get the link to this blog.

aside from the general annoyance of dealing with pathetic women who dont know how to do their jobs,

i've come to understand that i'm still an angry person, i just dont really give much of a strong reaction anymore which is great, the less energy i use the better.

ah about the project,

so its a little fake radio station in the making. Im burning it on a cd. i also got him a vinyl from acab.

i wont be at work tomorrow or today so das it

ttyl

[6afurah]

Updates

You know when you live your whole life in fear of this one bad thing happening to u,, ok so like it happened to me and it turns out it wasnt actually a bad thing ,, the truth is i wish it happened sooner. I'm too lazy to format any of this to make it readable. I'm just lazy, but today i have an odd dilemma in which i dont know if celebrating my birthday should even happen??? I feel like throughout the years i always put so much pressure on myself to make sure it was perfect, but i lost everyone that i celbrated with last year, maybe this year i should celebrate it alone or something idk man, i feel like an angsty teenager lak kalau celebrate sorang sorang lololol Idk i just wanna say i'm glad that whoever left my life, I'm really glad theyre just gone! I dont miss anyone anymore surprisingly, It's just not worth caring over anymore. It's 5:17 now and i'll leave work soon at 6 I dont know how court will go next week Man, I'm kinda prepared to lose everything ive worked so hard for. I'm also sort of ready to lose the guy i'm talking to right now too, we'll call him 909 for now, i dont really wanna name drop on this blog bcs imma be real with u, i am 100% sure i got obsessive stalkers out there somewhere lol Idk things are great with him, its just im sort of anxious about if i lose my job and things suck for me again he'll leave, but u know even if he does, I'm glad if he does, then i'll really know

[6afurah]

fffffffffff

ffffff

[6afurah]

What was born of all that worry // A little dance

[6afurah]

For now I’m sweating braincells but just you wait, once I fully understand how composition works, I’ll be unstoppable! New tests to some bg ideas for my thesis project, with new inspiration after watching tutorials AND rewatching the Emperor’s New Groove with its amazing bgs! 

I want to think more about the image functioning as a background for a scene for the movie, so I want to settle for one good composition, colouring it, and putting in the 2 characters that will move about the trunk and downwards.

[6afurah]

Here's my first art thing i made for work ( no this is not what they pay me to do )

[6afurah]

First post

I have nothing to say ( for now )