6monthssober-blog

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 29

The weather has finally picked up in the city. For the first time in what feels like eternity, I was able to go outside without a jacket. This is an incredibly glorious feeling. I could feel four months of negativity slowly washing off of me. Unfortunately, the beautiful feeling also carries a desire to indulge. A nice crisp beer to accompany the weather, sounds tremendous. The current urge isn't enormous but it teases a looming desire. Today was the first time I really thought about the prospect of not drinking in the summer. All of the lovely instances I'm going to turn down invitations and opportunities because of my sobriety. I hopefully I don't turn down to many events and Instead learn to enjoy group settings without indentation but inevitably there will be some. Acknowledging that is hard, instead I should enjoy this weather. Anyway, I wanted a beer, something light like Pacifico. #4dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 27

I just want to be normal again. That's all. I want this all to be over and I want to be a normal person who can drink a beer after work and not feel like shit about it... I didn't even want to drink today, I just wanted to feel normal today. Just normal.

Anyway, today I wanted to feel normal. Like a beer or 2

#2dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 25

Well.. Today was it. I failed. I finally gave in and had a drink. 

I had been dreading this trip for a while, which is insane because under normal circumstances I would love EVERYTHING about it. We were going to Long Island to eat at the family restaurant of one of the members of the book club. Out of the city, no responsibilities, with great people. But no I was dreading it hard. 

When we got there I could immediately feel the pressure. I was hit hard with a "Conler are you not drinking?" minutes after sitting down. As always everyone feigned support and went about their day. I always think I'm doing well, staying positive, being fun and talkative. But I soon felt myself slipping, coupled with anxiety over other circumstances of evening. I ordered a beer. I got a beer hoping that I would suddenly feel at ease and normal and fun as soon as I drank it. 

I very much didn't. it sort of made things worse because then I was forced to deal with internal demons about failing, about giving up, about not being able to commit or have any semblance of self control. Also everyone there didn't know how long I'd been without drinking, they were forced to think that either my previous statement was a call for attention or that I was failing and needed help.

Someone actually asked me I they should take the drink away from me. sincerely asked that, which made me feel significantly worse. It's insane to me how something that started so trivial has gathered so much validity. 

It also sucked because I knew I wasn't going to get drunk, I had no intention to. I had that beer and then a small amount of wine, mostly for tasting purposes. But still. I failed. and then I felt shitty about it. So i wasn't very much fun the rest of the night. So I tried to drink to be more myself and thus became a worse version of myself because the attempt at drinking caused such self loathing.

I'm not sure what it all means. I'm still clearly going to keep going but now it's like. Well how many times are you going to fail during this.... how many times before you give up. 

Anyway, I had a drink. An IPA and a glass of red Wine. 

#25days

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 24

Today I mostly wanted to drink because I wanted to be more normal. I didn't do it, instead I smoke and then had anxiety about how hard it is not to drink. So that was helpful. 

Anyway, I wanted to be normal. so like anything.

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 23

Man oh Man today I wanted a beer real bad. It came on rather unexpected in the middle of the day. This is the first time I've really felt it while being alone. It wasn't a particular event or meet up that spurred it. I was by myself, enjoying a museum, and afterwards all I wanted was a beer. I didn't care about anything else, i just wanted a damn beer. 

I think it has to do with the weather and just feeling exhausted coupled with the fact that it's been 23 day's and I miss the relaxation. I wonder if drinking is actually relaxing or if I have just coupled those two things together for so long. It's also possible it's not mutual exclusive. Anything can be relaxing if we've endowed it with that ability. 

Coming up on one month and I think this is proving to be more difficult than I want it to be. The light at the end of the tunnel is so far. 

Anyway, I wanted a beer. ANY BEER

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 18

This post is coming a little late because I got distracted with other things. The trend i'm noticing is that the times I feel the most inclined to drink are during and after work. The during is an impetus for later, but regardless still very present. I think this stems not only from the fact that I work at a wine shop but also the stress of job in general. This isn't anything new, Happy Hour's exist for a reason. 

I do think it's interesting that I don't feel nearly as much interest  in drinking on my day's off. When i have complete control of the itinerary for the day i don't even think about it. So it's also coming from a place of filling idol time. When I'm bored or don't want to be doing what I am doing i think about drinking. This seems like a reaction to the particular moment and not as much a longing for booze in my life. 

Anyway, I wanted a beer. Some sorta IPA

#18dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 17

A few days off from writing. I honestly didn't even think about drinking, it was bizarre. Rather nice really. Kinda like I had accepted that It wasn't even a possibility so it wasn't worth thinking about. Today I did however want to have a drink. First and foremost because it was a long day and I was feeling anxiety about my evening plans. I ended up not going out, and I'm forced to wonder if I would have been more inclined with alcohol in my system. The answer is probably yes. But also, the world is built on choices and I refuse to believe that booze is my ultimate compass rose.  Please slap for me for that sentence. 

Today the harder obstacle was trying to feel like I wasn't missing out. Two opportunities were presented to me, both of which I would have loved to be part of. This winemaker had dropped of a highly allocated beer that you can't purchase in New York, the brewery is really well respected and I've only tried one of their selections. One of my coworkers was opening this beer and offered to let me try some. I felt ridiculous having to turn him down. I have no idea when I'll ever get the chance to even be around one of those beers again. But alas this is the cross i choose to carry and breaking the pact when It feels convenient isn't my MO. 

The second opportunity I had to turn down was a coworker inviting me out to have dinner and drinks at this cool spot down the street. A bunch of my colleagues were going and several visiting wine makers. Working in the alcohol industry, it's very hard to do events while being sober. The outings not only involve copious amounts of booze, it's also the singular thing that links us all together. To not drink there is almost disrespectful. It just doesn't make sense to be present. But If it was a normal Friday, when I don't have pressing plans, man oh man I would have jumped on that opportunity. 

It just sucks turning things down because I've decided not to drink.. But honestly, the two things I turned down, were me turning down drinking. 

anyway, I wanted red wine, a bigger Burgundy. 

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 11

By far the hardest day yet. During lunch I was confronted for the first time with the opinion that this entire quest is really stupid. Not from myself, I've thought that many a times, but from someone else. It kind of set the tone for the rest of the day. 

I went to a friends engagement party tonight. Open bar at this really cool beer garden, so you know, the hardest place for me to be sober. Upon arriving i'm immediately confronted by the host's harsh tone "Please tell me you're drinking." Said in such a way that it was obvious she had already been told the contrary. 

I tried really hard to be the best version of myself, engaged and inattentive trying not to be an shape or form a sour grape. And I think it was going well. I definitely wasn't the bubbliest i've ever been, I wasn't easily making friends and outwardly reeking of a good time but I never was detached or avoiding others. Which sounds like a remarkably low bar to set... 

I did notice that I was drinking down water impressively fast. Like a nervous tick, trying to appear involved. I hated how frequently I was reminded of the fact that I wasn't drinking, as if it wasn't something that I was consistently mulling around. Before a cheers, the bride-to-be explained how ridiculous it was that the person she know to be the most alcoholic decided tonight of all nights to not be drinking. 

And that stuck with me as the reminder of why I am doing this. The way their goodbye handshakes said "I wish you weren't sober." and their introductions involve "he's the most fun drunk." It'd be so much easier if I didn't agree, having others help reiterate what you already know. Your skin fits you better after a glass or two. 

on a less dramatic note. I think that booze makes my resting face more approachable, instead of being cold and looking bored, I appear entertained and happy. This alone feigns so much positivity. Towards the end I lost all my patience. I  didn't care to be there, i wasn't making an effort. But I was trying so hard to come off like neither of those things were true. 

My roommate kept telling me that it was okay If I wanted to leave. And while I know she meant it sincerely with noting be genuine concern for me. Every time she asked, it acted as a reminder of how transparent my fake enthusiasm was.

Anyway, I wanted anything. Any booze at all. 

#tendayssober    

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 10

A beer at lunch on a slow day is a god-sent in the retail life. It was Friday and it felt like it was required. I had a moment when I tried to convince myself that a single beer would be fine. But no. More difficult was later in the day when I went to a bar with the gal I'm interested in. They had a killer beer selection which is just a gosh darn tease. Also I was meeting her brother for the first time which proved even more challenging. I felt like a wounded version of myself, not nearly as engaging or outgoing as I should have been. This worries me, I need to figure it out. Maybe I drink more coffee so I am forced to be more awake and aware. Maybe It comes with accepting your natural level of approachability and communicative ease and then adjusting. The attempt to figure out how to be the most affable version of myself while sober could be the wrong motive. Maybe more important is recognizing and acknowledging my shortcomings and then adjusting to such. If I'm fundamentally a more amiable person after having a drink is that such a bad thing? If I take Zyrtec to compensate for my allergies. Why can't I have a beer to compensate for my unintentional aloofness. Anyway, I wanted a beer. A nugget nectar. #10dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 9

Today the moment I really wanted a drink was during a movie when I watched the main character have a beer. It was amazing how easily a character sipping a brew worked effectively as marketing. Something to be said about visual triggers. Using the word "triggers" makes this entire sobriety thing seem way to real. 

Anyway, I wanted a beer. A Lone Star.

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 7

So today for the first time I dealt with wanting a drink and being rather annoyed I couldn't have one. It definitely stemmed from being upset and looking for relief. I was aggravated at work, just a general sense of being disgruntled and I very much wanted a drink to subdue such. This is not the first time I've felt this way, but i guess it's the first time I wasn't able to oblige. 

After work, I came home and spent time with my roommates. This was the first time since I started this journey that I didn't have plans in the evening. The idleness coupled with the irritation made the night a challenge. Just to double down on it, I opened a bottle of wine for my roommates to enjoy. Man oh man did I want to try it.

In the end, it felt really good to tempt myself in such a way and not fold. Although I was damn close to smoking, and i'm still going back and forth on this. Because I can't decide if this is just a way of cheating the sobriety or if I genuinely am fine with it being six months of just not alcohol. Still trying to figure it out. As of now, it's still 100 percent sober. But like caffeine is an inheritable in some ways.. I don't know. I'll write more on this later. 

Anyway, I wanted red wine. Something light with fruit.

#7dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 6

Tonight I had a show, at a bar, with a lot of people I didn't know. This is a weak spot for me because I consider my ability to make new friends both a skill and an asset. Especially in a community built entirely on reputation and networking abilities. Also because I like meeting new people. 

I do think alcohol has tremendously helped me hone the art of meeting new people and I'm worried I'm not able to do it as well without the catalyst. I didn't try terribly hard to introduce myself or have any meaningful conversations with anyone which upset me. This is something I'm going to have to work on.

I will say, after performing and feeling that slight rush of confidence, I felt more comfortable in myself. This is again working towards some sort of theory about alcohol providing confidence. Which isn't much a theory.. as it is just something people have known for literally thousands of years.... 

anyway, I wanted a beer. something local.

#6dayssober

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 4

On Saturdays at the wine shop it's almost a tradition to have a few glasses during the last hour or so. It was rather difficult to ignore this tendency. I wanted to have a drink and relax after work. Instead I got into a discussion with a friend about this sobriety thing i'm trying. He was very encouraging but ultimately did think I needed to create a more clear justification. Which I agree wholeheartedly with. 

After work I meet with some friends at a bar before a show. They all commented when I ordered a water but because it was before a performance they wrote it off without me having to explain. So this was a successful avoidance. While in the bar, I did really want a beer. 

I will say, after having a good show, I don't have as much an urge to have a drink. It's almost as if the release of feeling satisfied from the performance blocks out the want to be inebriated. 

Anyway, I wanted both a red wine and a beer. A light Beaujolais and something with hops. 

#4dayssober 

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 3

Working in a wine shop makes this quest significantly more challenging but I also enjoy being tested. But the bigger obstacle I felt today was denying an invitation. Multiple people asked me if I was going to come out for a friends birthday and I felt almost like I couldn't. Now to be honest, I don't think sobriety was the only impetus keeping me from going. But I do think it very easily became the scapegoat for such. Not in terms of outwardly spoken just an internalized conclusion. 

This is probably the biggest obstacle of the next few months, especially at the start. Avoiding conflation of sobriety and being a hermit. Instead of learning to be myself in outings with out booze, I think Im going to have the tendency to just avoid outing all together. and this is neither helpful or productive. i need to find that balance, And clearly I have time.

It's weird that it's not the actual drinking of alcohol that I missed today it's more the idea that I didn't feel like I could be an accurate embodiment of myself without it. I hate imagining having to explain to multiple people why I'm not drinking. Especially when my reasoning is as arbitrary as, "I just wanted to try not doing it". 

Anyway, I wanted white wine. Like a white Burgundy maybe

[6monthssober-blog]

Day 2

Day 1 was easy. I was rather hung over and thus didn't really have any interest in drinking. So I'm starting with Day 2. Because Today, I think I would have preferred myself with a drink. It was my day off and while hanging out with a lovely lady I'm interested in. I thought about how differently I am have acted If I had a drink. And the ramifications of such. 

I don't think it belittles my feelings to acknowledge the fact that I would have been able to manifest them more easily If I'd had a drink. If anything, it says more about me then it does about those feelings for the person. A level of fear that you think you're above because you haven't been put in that situation while sober in quite some time. Possibly ever, if we are being honest with ourselves.

It's not that I didn't act on my feelings, It more that hesitation is present. All of which comes from a fear of rejection. Rejected for something you thought was correct. That's my biggest fear, not only being wrong but being rejected because I am wrong.  It's strange how much that can be diminished through booze. and I don't necessarily think that's a negative thing. I think it can be remarkably beneficial, to a degree. Like anything else, it's always to a degree.

Anyway. I wanted a beer. Like a pilsener maybe. 

#2dayssober