707sbuttercake - Tumblr blog

707sbuttercake · 5 years ago

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here you go, anon! thanks for the request! this was a little bit out of my comfort zone, but it was interesting to write! hope you like it!

mine (Ray x fem!reader)

in which an indecisive MC falls in love with Ray but also deciphers the horrors of Mint Eye...and Ray will do anything her to make her stay.

rating: 17+ for intense themes

tw: yandere, manipulation, elixir use, coercive brainwashing

length: 4.4k words

this is a ‘medium’ between V’s route and Ray’s route in which the reader trusts the RFA & unveils Mint Eye’s secret while also falling in love with Ray before the 4th day branch of Another Story.

explores a bit more of Ray’s ‘dark side’ that Unknown mentions in a phone call to MC on Day 9 of V’s route– that Ray wants to “have MC” and “looks tame but imagines otherwise.” ...with this in mind, this work is sfw, but it contains some intense scenes.

it’s definitely notable that in V’s route, Ray is manipulative, to the point that he threatens to harm himself in order to guilt and coax MC to stay and tend to his wounds. this behavior is extremely toxic.. I recall an animatic of Ray singing “Meant to be Yours” from Heathers: The Musical.

an abrupt knock to your door sends shivers down your spine. your heart races wildly in your chest as you recall the illuminated words cast upon your phone screen; ‘You can be forever with me...It all depends on your choice.’ you wring your hands, slowly inhaling the sweet scent of fragrantly placed peonies and pink roses at the gilded table of the room—the room he prepared especially for you. a chill fills the air.

tonight is your fourth night spent in this strange place, a place you have inferred as something...dangerous. perhaps you’re too naive, and you recall your mother’s fervent warnings to never listen to strangers, to cling to truth reigning your heart and adhere to the instinctive voice in your head. but the sweet plea of the boy—Ray—was intoxicating. that day as you paced about the shopping centre, his alluring request made your heart flutter—‘won’t you come with me?’

how could you not help the boy? he called you, after all...his words roped you in, lulling you into a hazy glow, a blissful repose. you even accepted the blindfold without question, allowing him to guide you into the maze of darkness—of the Mint Eye. you realize your mother would curse you, but you are a college student, not a young girl anymore, and it was your own choice to assist a gamemaker’s endeavors.

however, you are not, by any means, a fool. you would be lying if you said you trusted the purpose of this dwelling and the people residing within. you have studied the whispering in the corridors; you discovered that the RFA ‘AIs’ are not AIs at all, but existing people. you know that the enticing, sweet Ray is far from a gamemaker. as you comb through your fumbling thoughts and the message logs of the texting app, you realize how dire your situation is. though Ray has constantly emphasized the darkness of the person called ‘V,’ you have approached all members with kindness and curiosity alike; in doing so, you have unveiled the complicated fate into which you have been thrust.

‘you’re being used,’ V had said.

deep in your heart, you know this truth, and it corners you, pushing you towards a cliff’s edge. but another reality shines brightly towards you, enveloping you in a warmth that whispers, ‘Ray truly does want to make you happy. you can save him.’

your head spins, and you blindly grasp towards an unseen truth. your figure sinks into an hourglass, sand pooling at your ankles as time presses ever closer to your choice.

‘won’t you stay with me forever?’ the boy had asked the previous night, eyes glimmering like sapphires. he donned a magenta petticoat with a white cravat and a deep blue rose pinned to the lapel. his slim fingers, just partially gloved, gently pressed your cheek, trailing down to tease the skin just beneath your lip. a heat rose to your face. his purity and almost childlike innocence incessantly clouds your judgement. he is absolutely enamored with you, guiding you about the corridors and offering you bouquets in his absence.

and you care for him.

you’ve watched the way this fabled ‘Savior’ has manipulated the boy, how she punishes his unremitting efforts to hack, observe, hack, observe... he has crumbled before you many times, his eyes meeting yours in a misty fatigue—what with that mint potion staining the corners of his mouth. you want to save him. you truly do.

yet...

he wants you to stay.

your discussions in the chatrooms muddle your intentions, rousing Ray’s fear of your ‘loyalty.’ why are you so kind to the RFA, those ‘stupid AIs’?! why do you sympathize with the monster, V? but...you’ve also slowly succumbed to the invigorating words of Ray, the gentleness and pure intention behind his actions. your decisions pull you taut as your mind recognizes that you must leave Ray, leave him behind and sprint towards V and the RFA. but your heart—your weak, foolish heart—longs to stay by his side, to save him from this wicked haven.

“y/n?” a voice calls, interrupting your pondering. “y/n, may i come in?”

your heart thuds ever louder, and your legs begin to wobble.

choose. choose. choose.

your clumsy digits squeeze the fabric of your black-laced dress, dripping in sweat.

you have to choose.

“y/n?” the voice calls again.

inhaling deeply, you attempt to speak, but no words leave your shaking lips. you clear your throat, forcing yourself to say, “come in.”

the gold-adorned door shyly parts to reveal the lovely white-haired boy, sporting his traditional magenta attire. his kind smile immediately brightens the room, and his eyes widen as soon as he sees you.

“y/n...my lovely y/n, how i missed you!” he walks toward you. your body becomes heavy. you cannot move.

“h-hello, Ray,” you say. the soft wash of the moon filters into the room, dust sparkling around the boy in a halo of light. the faint glow of the lamp at your bedside table offers its indistinct shine. you squeeze your skirt oncemore, attempting to stir bloodflow in your dizzy body.

“have you made your choice yet, y/n?” he beams, taking your hand in is. “i made your elixir myself. n-normally...it has such a bitter taste that i don’t like it when Savior makes me drink it. but i made your potion so sweet that it’ll melt like cake in your mouth. i want you,” he takes a step forward, his voice dipping lower, causing your heart to drop in your chest, “to savor it. i want it to taste and feel so good that you won’t feel any pain.”

the distance between your face and his is hardly appropriate, and the shadow cast over his eyes is deadly.

“e-elixir?” your eyes widen, and your mind signals a warning: RUN, run away. leap out this window and find V, who holds the promise to protect you. this Mint Eye is a trap, and you are the prey, a little rabbit ensnared in a lion’s den. you recall the screams ringing throughout the hallways of disobedient and rebellious ‘believers.’ you reflect upon Ray’s messages from days before, when his head ached in agony yet his Savior enslaved him to the monitors at every passing moment. he’s suffering, and his mind is gone— now, he’s ignited a length of dynamite, offering it into your palm. he longs for you to stay here forever by his side, and you want to stay...but not like this. not like this.

how can you save him? his thoughts are poisoned, warped by whatever lies this Savior has fed into his pliable mind. Ray serves as a tool, a vessel for her duty, and he obeys her unwaveringly. however, as you watch him prowl towards you, you can see the trace of suffering behind his gaze.

“yes,” Ray nods, flashing one of his beautifully timid smiles. “Savior has taken a liking to you. she wants to make you an eternal resident of this place. your role is important, after all...and i...i have fallen for you, y/n.”

your knees buckle; his words are too much for you to bear. staying in this place is no different than discarding your own life & endangering the RFA, but you know you cannot leave Ray here. your vision blurs ever briefly. you see mixed colors of magenta, white, blue...and you collapse.

...or so you think, before the firm grasp of Ray catches your limp figure. his left arm snakes around your waist, and his right hand holds your neck while he rests you upon his knee.

“y/n!” he cries, gently shifting your gaze to meet his own. “y/n, are you alright? please, speak to me!”

you return to your senses as your eyes part slowly, piecing together the muzzy image before you. you reach for the glass of water on your bedside table, scrambling from Ray’s figure, and he releases you instinctively, kneeling dumbfoundedly as you sip the drink. he appears almost hurt as you recoil from his hold, but a relief graces his features as he realizes you are stable.

“i-i’m...i’m okay, Ray,” you nod, holding the glass in your hands as you lean against the bedroom wall. “i...i was just reflecting upon my choice.”

he steps toward you once more. “tell me,” he pleas. “won’t you stay with me here? don’t you treasure the moments we’ve shared? i promise i’ll be good to you—so good to you that you’ll forget about those stupid AIs and stay by my side forever...”

you feel your back press deeper into the wall, and your numb fingers nearly drop the glass before you awkwardly force it onto the table. your mind searches for words to say, fumbling through the recesses of your thoughts: what do you truly feel? what do you really want?

you cherish the RFA, and you want to protect them. the silly banter, deep discussions, and shared thoughts with the RFA are tangible, precious moments tucked into a place within your heart forever. you are grateful for these new friends and realize that the nefarious schemes of Mint Eye plan to vanquish them. you seek to halt these schemes and protect Jaehee, V, Zen, Yoosung, Jumin, and Luciel because you’ve grown to truly care about them.

however...

you also realize you have fallen for the boy who stands before you. he truly cares for you, yearning to fulfill your happiness. you cherish the moments you have shared with him gazing about the garden, discussing mindless interests and trusting each other fully...even in a sea of lies. you believe his pure heart shines brightly, even if it is dimmed by the darkness of this false promise of happiness.

choose. choose. choose.

‘Don’t trust anything they say, y/n,’ V had messaged you the day prior. ‘Wait for me to come save you.’

if saving your own life means discarding Ray’s, then you do not wish to make such choice. but the wickedness of this place festers day by day, breeding only suffering and hatred.

“what do i do?” you whisper. your eyes widen as you realize you ruminate aloud, so your hand flies to your mouth. your voice is barely audible, but the boy is a sponge, eagerly soaking in each of your phrases.

his words come to mind oncemore: ‘You have no idea...that every single word you tell me has total control over me...but it’s so sweet. Please stay with me forever.’

a gentle expression washes over his face.

“y/n...” Ray smiles sadly, leather shoes clicking in echoes against the marble floor as he approaches you. he lifts a timid hand, stroking straying locks of your hair. your shoulder blades dig as far as possible into the wall, your hands groping along the wall to ease the thoughts whirling in your mind.

“i understand that you’re afraid. but i would never do anything to hurt you. i...i like you so much, y/n. if only you knew how precious you are to me...i want to make you happy. i want you to stay here forever...”

his breath is close to your skin, soft and moist and faintly scented of vanilla. each phrase you dare to formulate from this moment forward contains the power to alter fate. you know what you truly want. mustering courage, you clench your fist, forcing your gaze to meet his own.

“Ray...i do care for you. i really do,” you begin, and adoration in his heart swells, blossoming across his visage. he laughs lightly, happily, savoring the precious sight of you before him. you chose me! he seems to think, eagerly grasping your hands in his...

“however...i don’t like this place. i know that the RFA contains good people, and it hurts me that you lied to me. but i truly wish for you to be happy and safe with me. so please...let’s escape together, Ray,” you breathe, raising a palm to his cheek. “let’s get out of here tonight.”

almost instantaneously, a pained expression crosses his face— fear stills your blood as his eyes darken, and a slow smile spreads across his face like dripping syrup. the room is thick with a heavy silence, an unquenchable silence, bathing your form in a weight that imprisons your unsteady heartbeat. what will he say? you cannot think. you cannot move. will he agree? is he angry? you do not know...

“what do you mean, the RFA contains ‘good people’?” who has fed you these lies? y/n, this world only inflicts pain. i...have suffered so much because of that—that fool, V. i can’t let you run to them. i don’t want you to get hurt like i was. i...i’m sorry i lied...but Savior told me to tell you this was for a gamemaking process so we could meet you...”

you shiver as he seems to tower higher and higher above you, dangerous words daring to depart his lips. the boy appears bashful, yet his form slopes above you as he twirls a shy finger around a strand of your hair.

“i’ll do anything...anything to make you happy. so please stay by my side...”

you avert your gaze, swallowing fiercely.

“Ray...i...i’ve fallen for you as well,” you breathe, heart thumping in your ears as your hands gently press his chest in attempt to widen the gap between you two. “but this place...it hinders you. this ‘Savior’ has manipulated you...and i cannot be happy if you remain here. i want you to leave this place...with me.”

his entire demeanor shifts, overflowing with adoration as soon as your stammered words pinprick his ears; every ounce of malice departs his body as his eyes flutter upon you. he embraces you with such eagerness that you cannot respond; did he even listen to what you said?

“Ray...” you begin, a sense of apprehension swelling in your chest. “I—“

bending below to grab the plush flesh of your thighs, Ray hoists your legs around his hips, pressing your figure into the wall to level your gaze with his own. your brain doesn’t have time to respond to his rashness; has he been holding back this entire time? you struggle to pierce together your thoughts, your breath hitching as your heart paces ever louder.

“y/n..you love me...?” you feel his gloves tracing your skin, the lace of your dress pooling at the curve of your hip as the soft fabric of his khakis greets your bare skin. his eyes meet your own, staring deeply to repeat his trailing question. “you said love me...y-you love me too...?”

“i can’t stay here, Ray,” you plead, eyes wide as the boy dissects only the first fragment of your previous statement. he merely accepts your reciprocation and disregards what follows; your feelings are merely an invitation to him, signaling your partaking of this cursed elixir to make you one of them—a believer. “and neither can you...”

soft lips meet your neck, careful and warm as they imprint a sweet fragrance upon your skin, trailing across your collar bone. you shiver at the touch, shiver at this shifted demeanor, wriggling in his hold as his torso works against your trembling legs. “R-Ray...” you say, “please, listen to me...”

“oh, y/n,” he murmurs between each peppered affection, grazing across the slant of your jaw. “i love you. i love you so much.”

with white hair shimmering in the moonlight, the boy merely gazes up at you with the sweetest of smiles. a rose blush dusts his cheeks, and he laughs. “i promise i’m going to make you happy. this elixir of paradise is more delicious than any temporary bliss you feel with those idiots in the RFA...”

you can only hold his face in your tremulous hands as your heart breaks. “of course i want to be with you. i do. i really do. and i...yes, i...i’ve fallen for you. but Ray, don’t you realize? you’re in pain. the Savior...has only caused your sadness and suffering. the RFA aren’t bad people...i...i cherish you, but—“

“then won’t you let me make you happy?” he takes you in his arms, turning to settle onto the bed with arms encircling your waist. he places you by his side, your eyes drifting to the window, where the stars quietly glisten. “tell me. why is it that you wish to leave when you say you love me? is it because i’m not good enough? please, tell me what to change, and i’ll do anything! anything to make you happy, y/n...except leave, of course.”

you want so badly to embrace him, to show him what true happiness and love are, unlike his Savior’s twisted perception of love and obsession. you want to take his hand and sprint into the mountains, so far away from this cursed building, and find a home of solitude and peace...perhaps with a garden, so he may tend to it every morning. you long to hear more of his stories, to engulf his kind words, to tend to his wounds. you want to stroke his head as he naps in your arms, whispering that everything will be okay. he deserves every kind of goodness, and you nurture such sweet dreams as Ray holds you in his arms, pondering if such fantasies could bloom into fruition. you are not so naive, but you cling to this fragment of hope...

“Ray, there is nothing wrong with you. please don’t say that. i adore you...and i want a happy life with you...but—”

soft hands guide you back onto the bed, and a weight shifts mattress. he towers over you, cupping your face in his hand. he says nothing, but you read his expression; his words are a broken record, a fate that cannot be unwound by your hands. you want more than anything to comb your fingers through his creamy, silver locks, to leap out of the window with him by your side.

but his heart belongs to this cursed ideology, this warped ‘love.’

“i’ve told you...i only wish for your happiness,” he presses in a tone you cannot quite define. the golden embellishing upon his sleeves sparkles beneath the low lights, his slivered eyes barely parted in a melancholic glow. “but you truly wish to leave me?”

if these are your last moments with Ray...then so be it. but you decide in your heart that you will return for him. even as your hope withers away, you offer your words a final time.

“please...let’s get out of here. i don’t want to remain here. this is my choice.”

leaning into your lithe form, Ray pauses just before shyly connecting his lips with your own. his hands slide through your hair and down your back like cascading waves. his touch savors your suppled flesh, pulling you into him. tears fall down your cheeks as you part your lips to return the kiss, legs wrapping around his narrow waist. you clutch him closely, imagining how V’s escape plan will unfold. for now, just now, you want to be with Ray. you long to feel his warmth, to inhale his saccharine and floral aroma. your hands fondle the fabric of his coat.

“if you truly wish to leave...” he mumbles into your skin, “then...let me hold you, just this once.”

the blue petals ornamenting his collar flitter about, spreading across the sheets. you discern the sadness of betrayal inhabiting his eyes, the quivering of his lips, bruised after showering your skin. his countenance brims with thousands of expressions daring to spill, and you despise the feeling of betraying him—of leaving him here.

can you truly force yourself into that garden, where V will take your hand in his, where Luciel will race the three of you back to safety? can you sprint into the expanse of the unknown future, lunging forward as Ray’s forlorn gaze pierces the silhouette of your figure, abandoning him in the darkness? you promise to return, but will you, truly? Ray has vaguely voiced his own feelings of solitude, and his past lingers, mingling with pain each time he begs you to stay.

“Ray...” you plea. he says nothing.

shedding his coat, he unbuttons the top hinges of his white undershirt, revealing his lean, muscled collar. running a hand through his hair, a tear slides down his cheek, occupied with shaky breath as his knees confine your own.

it’s happening again, he seems to think. i’m being left behind...

his words resound in your head. ‘I was often alone as a child, going days without food and water...and my mother chained me to the wall so I couldn’t even go outside. It was lonely, so lonely every single day. I didn’t want to be alive. But you won’t hurt me, right? Promise me you won’t leave me, please. Please, I’ll do anything. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone...’

“i’m sorry...” you whisper, and he does not respond.

instead, taking your hips in his hands, he slants against your figure. the sweetest flavor greets your lips as his mouth works against yours, his gloved hands exploring the skin of your sides. his fingers tease the zipper of your dress, and he whimpers into your lips. you breathe his name, entreating him to leave this hell with you despite your reluctant acceptance of his answer. as your frame sinks into the mattress, reveling in his addictive touch, a realization dawns upon you:

mint liquid drips down his lips.

pulling back ever briefly, Ray swipes his wrist across his chin to clean the concoction. his arms envelop your frame, and his chest rises and falls above you. a grin crosses his lips as his quiet panting fills the air.

“you will be happy. i promise.”

with a shaky finger, you press your own quivering lips. you retract your wrist slowly to reveal the same potion trickling down your digit onto the silk bedsheets.

no...

no, please...

the boy shifts to your side to aid your posture, offering a palm to support the small of your back. you cannot think. your mind is numb. your heart races as fierce buzzing overflows your ears, and you can only lean into Ray’s chest. he traces your shoulders with his hands, pulling you into him.

“you will be strong now...because you are mine.”

his figure blurs before you, and you cannot comprehend your surroundings; your body becomes numb and heavy, as if your thoughts suffuse with monotonous static, ringing endlessly. you attempt to lift your hand to move ever slightly, but to no avail; you cannot move at all. you cough in agony, a sudden wash of pain stabbing your chest, as Ray wraps an arm around your waist. he silently coos to you, whispering softly into your ear.

“it’ll be okay now...we’ll be together forever, y/n...”

tears fill your eyes as you watch him, but your mind has become foggy... what are you doing? who are you? where is this? what’s this feeling? this wasn’t supposed to happen...you cast a desolate glance towards the window, searching for that garden, where V awaits. these plans have dissipated now, you configure, as your sentience scatters, crumbling into helpless fragments.

“Ray...no...no, you...b-betrayed—“

he hushes your words with a deep kiss, a hand beneath your jaw directing your mouth into his own. you distinctly taste that sweet flavor again, of the most decadent vanilla frosting, of strawberries and sugar...his tongue swishes about your mouth, your mind growing ever hazy, muddled by the oppressive drugs eclipsing your consciousness.

he breaks away to smile at you, to lovingly peer into your spiraling eyes. you realize he’s shifted you onto his lap now, each of your torpefied legs mantling his hips. you glare to him lifelessly, your emotions in a whirl as you struggle to piece together your mind.

“this is for your sake, y/n,” he purrs, a crimson blush blossoming across his pale cheeks. “now we’ll be happy forever. please, forgive me for tricking you. i...i really do love you so much...so much, that i can’t let you go.”

“Ray...this isn’t right...the RFA....your Savior—“

bending into you, Ray kisses you once more, filling your mouth with that cursed mint tincture. you’re limp against him, eyes closing as you rest in his hold. his lips are so warm and sweet, and his hands caress your skin so gently that you feel no pain, just as he promised. the thought of exiting this place ever slowly drifts away, like a shore’s contents dragged into the ocean by the sea’s relentless waves...

“almost done,” he breathes, pressing a kiss into your cheek as he grasps the glowing mint potion. “you’re doing so well, my sweet princess...it doesn’t hurt at all, does it? don’t you like the flavor? you told me before that you like sweets, remember? so i did my very best in preparing this for you...i hate the cleansing ceremony because it is painful...but i don’t want you to suffer like i did...”

maybe you can find happiness here...the RFA are traitors, as Ray stated. V must have truly wounded Ray’s innocent heart to twist his mind in such agony...perhaps V and Luciel will abandon you here...and there is no need to save you anymore, right?

you can stay here...by Ray’s side.

in this paradise.

you do not know. you cannot say. what are you supposed to do now?

with what strength you can muster, you curve into his touch, clumsily grabbing his hair in your fingers, guiding his lips into your own this time. a deep chuckle rumbles in his chest, and he grins into you, returning your eager affections. this kiss is slow and fervid, and the toxins burn down your throat, pulsing through your veins as you wince.

“shh...” he whispers into your ear, embracing you against his chest, “it’ll all be okay soon, y/n...and we’ll be together forever...”

forever...? you think, your alertness withering. but what about...V...Luciel...

another voice dominates your weak heart, vanquishing any rebellious thought: no. Mint Eye is my home now...Ray will love and protect me in this paradise...we will be happy....

“because you are mine,” he whispers.

your vision fades to black as the boy gingerly tucks you beneath the velvety covers, settling in beside you. you faintly discern his intense gaze upon you, accompanied by his quiet humming.

“i...i hate tricking you. i know this isn’t what you wanted...but this is all to protect you. i don’t know what i would do if...if V hurt you,” he speaks mildly, but a mixture of remorse and wavering are evident through his uneasy tone. “i know you trusted them, but they aren’t good people...that redhead tricked you with his lies. I just had to strengthen your faith somehow...”

squeezing a fist-full of his white undershirt, you nestle your forehead beneath his chin, succumbing to the warmth of his embrace and the liquid flooding through your entire being.

“...stay...” you murmur, eyes heavy. “i’ll....always stay.”

he kisses your forehead.

“that’s right. that’s right...my y/n.”

this paradise...

you will be happy in this eternal paradise.

#saeran choi #saeran x reader #mystic messenger #tw brainwashing #ray mm #tw manipulation #tw yandere

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707sbuttercake · 5 years ago

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kisses of the rain (707 x fem!reader)

warnings: TW eating dis*rder, an*rexia, b*dy image, s*lf-harm, angst ||

rating: 17+ audience for swearing and ED

- this is a oneshot based on my own personal struggles with an*rexia. i am currently recovering. writing this story gave me comfort and a way to cope. please do not read if such topic makes you uncomfortable!

3:17 a.m.

your boyfriend’s arms lazily snake around your waist, his chin nestling into the crook of your neck, his warm breath tickling your bare shoulder. you stir ever so slightly as to not wake him, but the awkward noise that you determine to be his giggle causes your eyes to widen. he’s half-awake but stammering nonsense.

“mmm, babe,” a deep voice rumbles into your skin, arms pulling you against his body. “where’re you goin’? i’m gonna slay the demon king...with Smug the powerful...dragon...i’ll protect you...”

you roll your eyes, gently prying his arms from your abdomen. you run a hand through the soft, disarrayed tufts of his strawberry hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“i’ll be back, saeyoung.”

it is a rare night, a night in which saeyoung isn’t working, so you do not wish to interrupt his precious sleep. he looks so peaceful in the soft wash of moonlight, and you smile sadly as you watch him. he deserves a break.

you, however, have another matter on your mind.

your hands grope the walls in the darkness to find the light switch to the bathroom. with a flick of your finger tip, light fills the room, and you seal the door in silence.

the girl in the mirror stares back blankly. her hair is a mess, and her face is long and tired. your hands slowly graze down your sides to grasp your hips. you lift the edge of your tank top to clench the chunks of fat skin at your waist. your eyes narrow at the girl in the mirror, and an imprisoned sob escapes your lips. you squeeze the skin at your belly. you drag your nails along your thighs.

you hate the way you look. you always have. this pain has resided in your heart for years. you pushed it back for the RFA; you bear your burdens in silence. you smile, solving others’ problems, while your own silently devour you. you are the savior of the RFA! the girl who stepped up and rekindled the flame of goodness within the broken hearts of the members of the association!

you collapse to your knees, fatigued from your fasting. saeyoung hasn’t noticed because he has been occupied with his work for the past 3 weeks, but you have barely eaten. 20 pounds, you pressure yourself. I can do it. I can lose it. I can do it.

you step onto the scale, your body shaking as your feet press against the cold metal. holographic numbers flash onto the screen, and you choke back a sob. only six pounds? you gasp, your rib cage crumbling, your heart caving in. I lost only six? I have to try harder. I have to try harder. harder. more. you clench your fist.

you shove the scale back beneath the sink and settle onto the toilet for a moment. today, you decide, you’ll drink more water. you’ll run longer. you know saeyoung dislikes you running because the woodlands around his house are dangerous, but you insist you enjoy the scenery. 7 miles for today, you decide. you did the math and calculated that running 7 miles every day would lose the weight. you had been running 5 miles daily. perhaps you would garner better results by increasing the intensity of your runs. you sniffle, standing to turn on the faucet and splash your face with cool water.

after reevaluating your workouts on the running log app on your phone, you feel a bit more encouraged. surely now, you assure yourself, if you just push yourself a little harder, you will lose the cursed weight. you turn off the bathroom light and peer back into saeyoung’s room. you tiptoe, attempting to make as little noise as possible. as you turn your head, you’re met with something firm instead.

your eyes widen, breath hitching as your hands press against...saeyoung’s chest. you look up into the honey-golden eyes you know so well, swallowing the knot in your throat.

did he hear me? shit. shit. please, God, say he didn’t.

you force a soft smile, eyes falling to his lips, which are pursed in concern.

“y/n...?” he whispers, his hand gingerly cupping your face. “you were in there for a while. is everything okay?” his thumb traces your jaw, lingering beneath your chin. his gestures send shivers down your spine. saeyoung isn’t stupid. you know more than anyone that he knows every little part about you—your laugh, your smile, the embarrassing way you snore in your sleep...

but this is something he cannot know. you will not let him.

instead, you stand on your tiptoes and press a gentle kiss to his lips. your gesture takes him by surprise, but he slowly returns the kiss.

“y/n...” he murmurs into your lips. “hey...”

you break away, wrapping your arms around his torso. “I...I had a nightmare,” you say, pressing your ear to his chest, hearing the rapid thumping of his heart. “but don’t worry about it, okay? you need to get some rest, saeyoung. your work starts again tomorrow.”

with a relieved sigh, your boyfriend casts you a helpless glance. “oh, dear princess, how can I sleep knowing that your dreams are haunted? forget the work—Madam Vanderwood can handle that. I, defender of justice 707, must rescue my dear love from her nefarious dreams!” he suddenly scoops you into his arms to your protest, sending both of you into giggles.

“come out of my lady’s dreams, you foul demon! HI-YA!”

he runs around the room with you clinging to him, laughter filling your hearts. your shadows dance against the floor, and for a brief moment, you forget the pain plaguing your heart. saeyoung has this effect on you. after frolicking around the room, he eventually nestles you into his bed. he is always this way; cheerful and bright, yet deep and caring. you love this about him.

“th-thank you, saeyoung,” you chuckle, rubbing your face from the traces of salty tears. maybe he didn’t notice. “my dreams will certainly be sweet because of you.” the room falls still.

once again, you silently pray he didn’t notice the streaks of tears on your face or the faint puffiness of your eyes. you recall your awful attempt to feign innocence, hiding behind a mask of a nightmare. saeyoung seems curl into the bed beside you, his back pressed to your side. you sigh in relief. perhaps he accepted this lie. you imagine he is exhausted from working consecutive day after day. he deserves to rest.

he doesn’t reply after a few minutes, so you assume he is asleep. you close your eyes, exhaling slowly. your mind becomes dull.

7 miles...you think. 7 miles for today...

suddenly, the bed’s weight shifts, and a shadow falls over you. you part your eyes in bewilderment. saeyoung is above you, the silver of his cross necklace hanging just above your chest, his knees bracketing your frame. his hands hold your wrists, his eyes firm and serious, a gaze of auburn blaze piercing into you like daggers.

“y/n...you...you do tell me everything, right? are you sure it was just a nightmare? please, tell me if there is anything more bothering you.” his breath is hot and minty against your skin, and his tone, harsh and almost afraid, threatens you to tell the truth. “tell me. why were you really crying?”

your heart beats wildly in your ears, your chest carefully heaving up and down. he has you trapped now, forcing you to look at him. he is keener than you thought. you swallow.

“I-I don’t understand why you’re taking this so seriously!” you laugh. “come on. you know I get those dreams sometimes. I’m fine. off me, silly. I’m not Elizabeth the 3rd,” you poke his nose. “I promise. I’d tell you if something was bothering me. you know that.”

he watches you carefully, his stern gaze not faltering. you watch his chest above you, his neck and toned arms around you, the creamy glow of his face just faintly covered in sweat. after gazing into your eyes for a moment, he melts into your arms. you sigh in relief, combing your hands through his hair.

“get some sleep, now, saeyoung,” you whisper. he hums into your shoulder in response.

your heart shrinks in pain at the thought of lying to him. however, the truth would be a knife to his heart, and you would rather lie than cause the latter. you recall the dangers of his occupation. you know he bears the weight of harsh deadlines, lethal information, and family secrets that shatter his heart. saeyoung doesn’t deserve this. saeyoung doesn’t deserve a mess like you.

so you smile and continue to bear this pain, like you always have.

***

standing before the mirror, you tighten your ponytail. “7 miles...” your murmur. your vision is a bit hazy because of your fasting, but you try to drink water to ease your fatigue. come on. come on. you have to run. you imagine your fat pouch-like belly; you envision the width of your hips. you think of the way your thighs faintly brush against each other when you walk. you’re wretched. you’re disgusting. you have to run.

you force yourself to walk. come on, go. go. when you see saeyoung hunched before his computers, you trot to the kitchen to fetch him a can of ph.d pepper and a bag of honey buddha chips. you can’t eat, but he needs to. you gently tap his work desk as you place the snack by his side.

“make sure you don’t skip your meals, saeyoung!” you press a kiss to his forehead. he turns to look at you, a lopsided grin on his lips. he drops his headphones from his ears.

“of course, little lady.”

“i’m going to make stew for you for dinner tonight. is that okay?” you say, heading towards the door.

“the defender of justice 707 will prevail against evil through the power of honey buddha or anything his dear love conjures!”

you roll your eyes, laughing lightly. “you’re ridiculous.”

“you love me.”

you wave him off as you step outside.

“wait!” he calls, realizing you plan to run again. “are you wearing the watchband? you know how I feel about you running. it’s dangerous, y/n...with bears and snakes and all kinds of—“

“wouldn’t leave without it, babe,” you sigh, twisting your wrist, the silver band tracker gleaming in the sunlight. he made the gadget weeks ago when you resisted his protests of you running on the trails in the woodlands surrounding his bunker. again, he’s caring for you at every single turn. you hate to burden him, giving him another reason to worry, but he insists he does these things because he wants to do so.

“good. be safe!” he shouts from inside.

as soon as you seal the door, you almost collapse against the frame. your vision darkens, and your blood feels thin. you sharply inhale, pressing your knuckle to the wall.

stand up. stand up. you’re pathetic. you can’t even start running? if you don’t run, you’re going to be this way forever.

“right,” you whisper. you inhale and exhale slowly, “right. I have to do this.”

you force your legs forward, pumping your arms as your headphones blare music into your ears. your entire body feels like a shell, and lactic acid pulses through your legs. your lungs burn and your heart lashes wildly in your chest.

go. go. go.

you circle through the trees, pacing along the familiarly worn path. trees softly sway in the breeze, and dark clumps of clouds signal an omen. you breathe heavily, placing one leg before the other.

the rain falls. you squint your eyes, faintly discerning the blurs of tree trunks and greenery, fading in the wind. step, step, step. you have no energy. your entire body feels cold, and your legs are stiff and numb. your feet slap against the dirt, mud clinging to your skin, and your brain feels like smoke suffocates your thoughts, suffusing your drifting mind...go...go...

suddenly, almost slowly, your ankle bends against something firm, a root? you wonder. pain shoots up your leg. your world spins. the world becomes dim. a sharp noise rings in your ears. the scent of earth fills your nose, something hot with the scent of iron spills down your face, and cold rain slaps your entire body. you close your eyes.

rain...rain...

it plummets to the ground and slides off your cheeks along with the tears and that warm scent of iron...

get up. stand up and run. you’re pathetic.

you cough, your arms shaking as you rise to your knees.

“get...up!” you cry hoarsely, yet your eyesight is filled with sparsely colored dots of black and purple, swirling with wind and rain...

“run. run...run!” you’re standing, yet your legs won’t move. thunder rumbles in the distance, and the rain is fierce, howling and moaning. your lungs feel as if they will cave in. your limbs are shaking. you place another step forward, beginning your jog, but your muscles do not listen. you collapse, the ocean of colors filling your vision again, your head light and dizzy.

you cannot stand. your body will not obey.

you’re weak. pathetic. pathetic! so fucking pathetic!

“y/n! what the hell are you doing?! hey! hey!”

someone runs towards you, racing with the wind, but you cannot decipher who. his voice is stern and his arms are firm as they grasp your trembling frame.

“shit. shit! are you okay? can you stand?” his red hair sticks to his face, and his glasses are filled with fog. oh. you recognize this face...

the one you love so much...

“hey. hey! y/n, speak to me! hey!! damn it!”

you cannot speak. your mind is filled with fog. you open your lips, but no sound escapes.

“.....ven...seven,” you croak.

no. you think. no, don’t be like this. you’re being a burden. you’re bothering him. because of you, he’s left his desk. he abandoned his work. this is your fault! your fault!!

“you’re soaked. what the hell happened? y/n, you’re soaked and...wait. wait! fuck! you’re bleeding! damn it. damn it! I didn’t get here fast enough! I knew something was wrong. here, take my jacket. come on. can you stand?”

leave me alone. I don’t want to burden you.

your eyes narrowing, you press your hands to his chest and attempt to push him away. “i’m fine! i’m fine. seven, leave me be. you need to work. I just...I j-just...I tripped in the middle of my run. go back! go. don’t worry about me,” you hiss. your attempts to push him are futile. he does not budge.

“no, y/n, damn it! you clearly can’t even move! you’re numb! don’t tell me..don’t tell me—“

“seven, I am fine! you can go back. i’m fine, see?” you smile, standing—

your knees cave in, and as if on cue, he catches you in his arms.

“y/n,” he growls, hooking his arms under your knees. there resides pain in his voice, a certain pain you haven’t heard before.

you know the truth. realization has dawned upon him. he knows.

those ember eyes, so full of melancholy, watch you with a certain sadness.

something clicks within his mind.

he knows.

he lifts you off the ground. “damn it. damn it! all this time, and I didn’t notice. you’ve been starving yourself, haven’t you? haven’t you?!”

you cannot respond. your head falls limp against his chest.

wrapping his jacket around you, he begins to sprint back to his bunker, the rain slapping against both of you.

“all this time,” he pants. “all this fucking time and I couldn’t even tell because I was working.”

“s-seven...i’m fine. I haven’t. I...I just tripped—“

“I hacked your phone. I saw the running logs. I didn’t think you were starving, but seeing you now, you’re so thin. you’ve...you’ve lost weight, haven’t you? you’ve been training harder. thank god i installed that tracker on that watch and found you before it was too late...damn it! damn it, this is...this is all my fault!”

“no,” you cough. “no. you’re wrong. I haven’t been starving—“

“quit lying to me, y/n! stop it! I already know. that’s why you were crying last night. that’s why you’ve gone to the bathroom every night...to weigh yourself, right? damn it! damn it!”

he reaches the bunker, immediately placing you on his couch. he curses silently, his voice dark, and he fetches first aid.

tears fill your eyes.

damn it. damn it. i’m burdening him. i’m bothering him. i’ve taken time from his day. i’ve worried him! damn it. I ruined it all...I ruined...

you clench your wrist, the wrist you hate so much, the one you constantly measure to see if you’ve lost any weight. “damn you,” you cry, cursing yourself. “damn you!”

saeyoung returns, panic washing his face. he sprints to your side, prying your fingers off their tight grasp around your wrist. blood trickles from your fingernails, uncontrollable sobs escaping your lips.

“y-y/n! please! please, God, stop it!”

you fall into his arms, and of course, he catches you.

“hey...hey. y/n...” he whispers, pressing the cloth to your bleeding forehead. you close your eyes, the hot tears gushing down your cheeks.

like a deluge bursting from a dam, the pain once imprisoned in your aching heart spills its contents onto the floor.

saeyoung says nothing but cleans your wound, applying a bandage to your forehead. you’re dripping wet all over his floor, but his messy home is the last of his concern. his eyes monitor you, only you, and he watches your hands to prevent your self-harm. he watches your eyes avert to your wrist, so he instinctively wraps a bandage over the wound.

“let’s get you cleaned up,” he murmurs. you say nothing but allow him to carry you to the bathroom.

he twists the faucet handle, filling the tub with warm water and a fragrant bubble bath. he turns to you, a hand resting upon your muddy shirt.

“may I?” he asks quietly.

like a robot, you nod. he gingerly tugs your muddy clothing of of your body, leaving only your under garments. you subconsciously cover your frame with your arms. you hate him seeing you like this. you hate him even looking at your body, the thing you hate so much. you hate burdening him. there are so many things that you hate, that fill your heart with pain, like a knife stabbing over and over again.

he cautiously lifts you and places you into the tub, being mindful of not causing you any discomfort by touching you anywhere without permission. his fingers, long and nimble, lather your hair with soap. still, you say nothing. your arms remain wrapped around your torso.

don’t look at me, you want to whisper. go away, please. i’m sorry.

guilt eats away your insides.

the time...he’s wasting on me...

it’s all my fault.

“will you move your arms for me, y/n?” he asks softly. “please...I need to wash the mud off.”

“don’t look at me,” you plead, refusing to meet his gaze. “seven, you’ve done more than enough for me. you can go back to work now. i’m sorry for all of this.”

saeyoung narrows his eyes. “you think I give a damn about work when my girlfriend is crumbling before my own eyes? y/n, you’re more important than any work I have to do. please, let me take care of you. we need to talk about this. you need help.”

you back away from him, pressing your back to the opposite side of the tub.

“it was a one-time thing, i swear. i’m fine. I promise! I promise, seven. please...i’ll take better care of myself from now on.”

his eyes meet yours again with that painful sadness. he knows you’re lying. he reaches a hand towards yours.

“...I know you better than anyone else.”

you know his words are true. he has seen you in the most intimate forms, and you know his darkest secrets. the two of you are one, and you have promised to love each other for eternity. still, you know the boy has suffered so greatly in his life. he doesn’t need the burden of caring for me, you think. he deserves so much more.

“and ‘seven.’ you never call me that name anymore. y/n, look at me...please.”

you force your gaze to meet his, and his hands rest on your arms.

“you’re perfect and healthy just the way you are.”

you bury yourself in the bubbles, sinking deeply into the water with a sigh.

that’s what people say when they find out you have it. they tell you that you’re beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you. but they will never understand. they don’t see yourself through your eyes.

with your body hidden from his view, you scrub the mud off yourself. saeyoung recoils in silence. “i’ll go fetch you a fresh pair of clothes, alright?” you say nothing in response.

when he leaves, you close your eyes, allowing yourself to descend into the water. your mind is a tsunami of thoughts, but your heart feels like an abyss. you never intended saeyoung to discover any of these secrets. yet somehow, like always, he learns your patterns, your habits, as if he has hacked your mind.

he steps back into the room with his folded traditional red long-sleeve t-shirt and a pair of his sweatpants.

“I know this isn’t much, but the rest of the clothes are in the wash. these are fresh out of the dryer. i’ll leave them here for you.” he steps out of the room.

you drain the tub, forcing yourself to stand, your hands shakily grasping the sides. you slowly peel off your tattered undergarments, enveloping yourself in the towel adjacent to the tub.

your eyes subconsciously drift towards the mirror. the damned mirror. you drop the towel to stare at the pathetic figure who glares back, her eyes gaunt circles, her ribs protruding, all with that pouch resting between her hips.

“damn you,” you whisper to the reflection. “you are the one...who ruins everything...”

“y/n?” saeyoung calls. “are you okay?”

you snap your gaze from the mirror. shit. he’s outside?

you clumsily stammer towards the pile of clothes he left for you, and you pull the red shirt over your head, quickly slipping your arms through the sleeves. then you tug on the sweatpants, which are way too large for you—to your surprise.

“I-I’m fine,” you reply. “everything’s fine now. I...I can take care of myself from here. thank you for everything, sev—saeyoung.”

he opens the door, immediately rushing to your side to steady you. he leads you to his bed, lifting you again into his arms to gently tuck you beneath the covers. you hate this feeling of helplessness, but you lack the strength to resist his movements.

“I started a bowl of ramen for you, y/n. i’m not leaving your side until you eat it all.”

your breath hitches. if you eat the ramen, those 6 pounds you have already lost with be replaced in an instant with the fattening noodles. the warm scent of chicken broth fills your nose, and an alarm signals in your mind.

no. no. I can’t eat. no. no!

“s-saeyoung,” you begin, attempting to conceal the panic in your voice, “just let me rest. you can get back to your work. I promise i’ll eat.”

his eyes narrow, face falling, his lips twisting in anger. ever so briefly, you see his eyes twinkle. he reaches a hand towards yours, causing you to flinch.

he’s crying.

no. no, please. please don’t cry.

throughout the four years you’ve spent with saeyoung, you can seldom recall the times he has cried. perhaps his heart is almost immune to the unfairness of the world. but as he sits before you, tears slowly dripping down his cheeks, your eyes widen.

please. please don’t cry.

“y/n...all this time...i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry. you’ve been hiding this for so long, haven’t you?”

you do not respond.

“four years,” he breathes. “you’ve been in the RFA for four years now, and you’ve been so focused on solving our problems that we never took a moment to glimpse at yours. god, i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.”

I don’t deserve your sympathy, you think. you’ve suffered enough. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. don’t waste your tears on me. this is my fault.

“look at me,” saeyoung whispers. “please.”

your body trembles, arms clutched to your chest, eyes slowly parting to meet his. the atmosphere is thick and heavy, and the sound of rain echoes throughout the halls.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way. y/n, you know I love you more than anything in this world. I want you to be happy,” he raises a hand to cup your cheek. “I want you to be healthy. we can do this together—the right way.”

the...right way...

he pulls you into his lap, wrapping his arms around your torso. his body feels so warm against your own. you slowly return his embrace as you nuzzle your head beneath his chin.

“you know you’re never alone, right? i’m always here. always,” he murmurs into your hair, fingers gently strumming down your back. “I know this pain you carry cannot dissipate overnight. I’m sorry you’ve bore this burden alone. I...I can’t stand knowing you’ve been suffering right before my own eyes,” he curses himself.

“but i want you to get better. for your sake, my love. you deserve the entire world—the universe. if I could take away this pain, I would. but I know...I know these things take time. I want you to eat. we...we can work out together! but your body will only collapse if you push it to its limit without any nutrition. you...I-I don’t want to think of what could happen if...” his voice fades. he pulls you closer.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad. I love you. I love you so much, y/n,” he leans his forehead against yours, your breaths mingling. “I promise you...I’ll always be by your side. I know...I know the scars you bear have stained your heart, and pain cannot be undone so easily. but if...if you let me...I’ll walk alongside you...as you try to heal.”

you cannot think, but you know his words are true.

you hate yourself. you always have hated this cursed body. day after day, as time fades and rain falls, as the sun turns across the horizon, your habits repeat, as never ending as the sky. sometimes you relapse, and you forget these feelings. but as waves return to the shore, mercilessly stealing the shore’s contents, you crumble into the pits of your old habits. you recall the countless nights lying awake as your body tingles in agony, your stomach rumbling and begging. you recall the cold feelings of your toes against the scale. you envision your reflection. you hate the girl in the mirror. the feeling of starving, that hollow ache, the ringing in your ears as the world blurs...

it’s almost addicting.

but...

“I...I cannot change my ways so easily,” you whisper. “I’m sorry. I-I’m sorry...but.”

you look into his eyes. the soft colors of amber, of gold and honey melting and dancing beneath the sunlight.

“for you,” you say, “and...for me, too. I want to stay. I want...to forget this pain. I don’t want to burden you. saeyoung, I love you too.”

I want more memories of dancing with you in this room. I want more nights beneath the stars, our hands interlocked with a soft warmth. I want more of your kisses. I want laughter with Zen, Jaehee, Jumin, and Yoosung. I want to help others through the parties. I want to marry you...in the space station. I want to hear your stupid jokes. I want to read your messages. I want to be here. I want to be alive.

this hatred follows me like a shadow. it chokes me. it’s watching, always watching, and its hands grasp my precarious figure. I hate my waist. I hate my hips. I hate this skin that hangs from my torso. I hate my protruding ribs. I cannot so easily combat this ugly feeling that festers within me day after day.

but if I fall apart...

will I lose these things I cherish, too?

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t...I don’t like this pain. but it’s a part of me.

can I let it go?

can I?

for you...and me too...maybe I can try.

with hands upon your waist, he pulls you against him, your lips meeting his own. your hands card through his hair, thighs enveloping his hips.

with time and healing, you think. I...I hate this body. but with time and healing...

I think...

one day, I’ll be happy.

#mystic messenger #saeyoung choi #707 x reader

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