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Canada declares war after Florida man damages the Stanley Cup.

A group of drunken Florida men were witnessed on boats inside Tampa Bay slinging beers at each other, along with being in possession of Lord's Stanley Cup. Eventually, after a long day of drinking and slamming their boats into one another in exciting bumper car fashion, Canada's prized trophy was seen exiting one of the said boats with a huge dent in it's side.

One Canadian official angrily stated, "To put it into perspective, this is no different than if we decided to use their Declaration of Independence as a table cloth. It cannot go unpunished."

U.S. representatives in Canada quickly sprang into action after reports detailing thousands of Canadian Mounties riding horseback towards the U.S. border became known.

"I believe we've come to a amenable solution," one U.S. representative said. "Lord's Stanley Cup will be shipped to Montreal, at our cost, for legitimate repairs over the next coming days."

When asked about the trophy having to be shipped to Canada to fix the damage caused by their ruckus behavior, one Florida man who only wanted to be referred to as Kooch, sarcastically replied in a thick Russian accent, "Montreal should be thanking us. It's the only way they're ever going to see the cup."

This infuriated many of the Mounties, and some began to re-saddle their horses despite orders from the Canadian government to stand down.

When asked about the Florida man having a thick Russian accent, the U.S. Ambassador to Canada stated, "It is likely that Russian president Vladimir Putin was behind this in an attempt to cause unnecessary tension between the United States and our great friends to the north. Luckily, we were able to deescalate the crisis in time."

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Drag racing speedway planned next to Grasslands

There's something satisfying about the roar of a supped up engine tearing through a 8 second quarter mile, and the smell of burning gas and rubber can be quite intoxicating, literally. Residents of the Grasslands subdivision in Lakeland will soon be able to enjoy this five nights a week after a planned drag racing speedway opens next door.

Once completed, the track will be open to amateur racing enthusiasts from 7pm-1am Tuesday - Thursday with hopes to bring in national racing teams on Fridays and Saturdays.

Sections of the golf course were also sold to make room for motocross jumping because it "Already has nice hills"

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City managers and CSX team up to block traffic during typical rush hours.

Lakeland city managers and CSX have teamed up in a coordinated effort to block traffic during typical rush hours.

When questioned on the move, one city manager stated, "We began periodically testing this project over 6 months ago to great success. We feel like Lakelander's are spending way too much time at work and in the office. We have teamed up with CSX so that their trains stop and block traffic on most weekdays between the hours of 7:45 a.m. - 8:45 a.m. and 12:15pm - and 1:15 pm. This will guarantee that no one makes it to work on time, and their typical 30 minute lunch break gets extended to a full hour or more. What's even more incredible is that we're able to provide this community service to our residents without having to raise anyone's taxes. We're really excited!"

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RP Funding Center schedules event people might actually go to: Scrambles to cancel.

Lakeland's RP Funding center accidently booked the mega rock band AC/DC, who will soon launch a worldwide tour to promote their new album Power UP. Luckily the folly was caught and quickly remedied.

When asked how such an error could happen, a representative from the center stated, "It had to do with the booking software that we use. Don't get me wrong, the software worked correctly. The issue is that it alphabetically displays all available events in a list format. So, one can see how an event like Guns N' Roses could potentially display right next to Gun Show in the software. One miss click, and you have GNR on their way to Lakeland. That's exactly what happened here. Luckily AC/DC's management company was kind enough to cancel our booking and we were able to order the event we wanted: AC and Heating Expo"

The AC and Heating Expo will feature HVAC manufactures like Trane, Carrier, and Maytag along with local HVAC installment and repair companies.

The date of the event is still TBD.

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Combee residents upset after Albuquerque crowned the meth capital of the world. Demands recount.

Residents of the Combee settlement area in eastern Lakeland were very upset to hear that Albuquerque New Mexico was just crowned the meth capital of the world.

One resident, who asked that he only be identified as Critter stated, "That's meth'd up! How can they say that Albuquerque has more crystal than us? I don't remember anyone coming to my trailer house and counting rocks! That shows you right there it ain't true! In fact, I demand a recount! I bet it's because of that documentary series they filmed over there called Breaking Bad. Ever seen it?"

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Amazon to begin launching rockets from Lakeland Linder International Airport

A spokesperson from Amazon's Astronautical department has confirmed that Amazon will soon begin launching rockets from Lakeland Linder International Airport in order to deliver packages to it's other distribution hubs across the country faster.

"We have found that we needed to be more efficient in our logistics. When consumers order products through Amazon Prime, they expect those packages to be delivered within a day or two. Large metropolitan areas are generally not an issue. It's those rural areas across the country where we have found that we needed to be more proactive with getting their order to its nearest distribution hub as soon as possible."

Many Lakelander's have complained about the noise that is already being generated by Amazon's fleet of brand new 747's flying over their once quiet neighborhoods. One 45 year resident of the Fountain Heights area in central Lakeland states, "I go outside to talk to the neighbor, there goes a plane. I get on the phone, there goes a plane. I can't even hear myself think at times!"

Amazon stated, "We hope to begin launches by late November 2025" and, "Lakeland resident's should be excited because they can expect to hear the impressive roar of the launches for miles with no less than ten sonic booms per day as the departing rockets accelerate to their final cruising speed of over 18000 mph!"

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Florida Strawberry Festival cancels live music to save visitors from having to listen to "Gawd awful pop music"

For the very first time in it’s history, the Florida Strawberry festival will not have live music. One organizer for the festival stated, “This was a collaborative decision from all who are involved in organizing the Strawberry Festival each year. Country music just isn’t country anymore," she stated, "It’s Gawd awful pop! And, I don’t think anyone visiting wants to listen to that!

When asked to elaborate, she stated, "Who wants to listen to a guy who can't sing rap about his truck, or some female performer strumming on a banjo while techno booms behind her. We felt it was in the festival’s best interest to save our visitors from the auditory anguish that is country music today. Now visitors will be able to visit the festival in peace.”

The Strawberry Festival runs from March 4th through March 14th