97ave - Tumblr blog

[97ave]

i just showed my crush a meme and he said to my face “i don’t get it” so the only reasonable response is to kill myself

[97ave]

i know this isn’t very girl boss of me to say… but i want a bf to cuddle and love on so bad :-(

[97ave]

being blocked by someone i dreamt of a future with is devastating. every romantic heartbreak regresses me back into a 5 year old, crying alone and wondering why i’m being left alone with these huge, undefinable feelings. “i didn’t do anything wrong… i did everything to make you stay… why is it not enough to love me?”

being sober has brought all of these emotions bubbling up to the surface. sometimes it’s a gentle, rideable wave. but other times it’s a complete tsunami and i’m left with water in my lungs and this hot rage & betrayal ripping through my chest.

i think at my core, i feel like i must convince people of my worth, time, love. i do not believe anybody walks into my life and chooses to stay on their own accord. i have to perform this song and dance and bury the “unusable” parts of me so they are convinced i’m worth showing up for… and when they still leave? after i’ve buried my true self underneath the stage? (or god forbid, actually shown them who i am underneath the fanfare)?

i don’t want to be melodramatics and temporary euphoria and a yarn ball of lessons. i’m tired of trying to stay afloat :( i wish it was as easy as breathing.

[97ave]

got really drunk, fell face first into a metal guard rail and started bleeding in front of hella strangers !

decided to call the guy i’ve been talking to (like, 6 calls oops) and he didn’t answer me. then he texted me the next day saying it was “too much” and i’m like ?? we’ve been talking for a few months, just went on our 4th date a couple nights earlier, and ur pissed i drunk called and wanted to talk to you ?? ur pissed i thought about YOU when i wanted some comfort after busting my ass in front of hella ppl ??

i apologized and explained the situation but let him know i realized it was a lot and he didn’t even fucking ask if i was okay ?? like… wtf

he pursued me first but it just feels extremely one sided now. he’s nice to me in person but gets annoyed a lot of the time i text him ?? we used to call for hours and now he can go days without a text… he doesn’t ask me anything abt myself, doesn’t try to be vulnerable or open up… there’s a difference between being busy w work and taking things slow — and just… showing no interest in getting any more serious :/

i’m really sad he didn’t even ask if i was okay… someone who likes me wouldn’t be so indifferent. i broke up with my year-long bf this summer and he left me alone with my problems all of the time. there was never any emotional connection or comfort from him — i feel like this would continue to be a problem if i keep trying to pursue this guy. he just seems… emotionally unavailable and i cannot handle another nonchalant, careless guy who hides behind the guise of “sometimes i’m busy and can’t be there for you all the time” aka “i’m never gonna go out of my way for you and this is all gonna be on my own terms/schedule/convenience”.

he has just gotten very cold and inconsistent compared to our first conversations. i feel like i’m coming up with excuses for his inconsistency. he made time for me in the beginning. i need to accept it’s not going any further.

[97ave]

how in the everloving fuck do i manage to ruin absolutely everything good for me ???? i fucking ruin EVERYTHING !!! i have a sweet boy next to me and i just ruin EVERYTHING !!!!

[97ave]

[97ave]

[97ave]

disassociating so hard at work rn && i have 6 more hours to go !!

my life is in shambles !!

i’m floating in space and my body is disconnected from me and the fog 🫥

[97ave]

[97ave]

[97ave]

[97ave]

[97ave]

needs:

- 7 cigarettes

- a bullet through my brain

[97ave]

I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY I WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER

[97ave]

107 pounds again. down 15 since the breakup.

my bpd ruined everything. waiting for a job lineup that makes twice the minimum wage but im so fucking tired. praying for a grandiosity that will fling me off a fucking cliff.

how could he speak to other women? how could i be considered so dismissible after almost 2 years :( for the [feminism paused] ugliest girls in a 10 mile radius?

i comforted you in your fears. offered ways for us to safely explore your identity in places you wouldn’t be recognized so you could dress in a safe way. i love you with all my heart.

the air in this world hurts my skin. i love you. i wish i wasn’t an addict when we met. maybe we would have had a chance.

[97ave]

my bf leaves tomorrow and i started an argument the night before he leaves and i want to die

[97ave]

dashafiasco