a--safe--space

[a--safe--space]

Scared!!

i wish you could understand me more

i wish i could tell you more

and if i am not able to do these with you

are we even going in the right direction ?

i wish you could hear my silence

i wish you could check on me when i am silent

and if i see so less of you

are we going in the right direction?

[a--safe--space]

Another Rant

You know how I am always so grateful and thankful for whatever I have and whatever I am but when I am not able to control these emotions and my attacks happen I feel so guilty that why am I doing this...I should not be like this I have so much. I should be more thankful and then I ask for God's forgiveness.

I want to see someone for help who can suggest me what to do when I get so anxious on smallest of the things. I know the basic things but I just feel its something else or maybe I just want it to be something. Why do I keep going back in the same loop of worrying, anxiety, emotional breakdown, overthinking then suddenly forgetting it and starting from again.

I am trying to lose weight since Jan 2025. Have been going to gym a bit consistently since April 2025. Not a single kg less, its so frustrating. I mean is it due to not consistent calorie deficit?? Then why do other people lose weight even with not a great calorie deficit. Even if I do calorie deficit properly, my digestion gets worse. I am just tired of not seeing any progress. Everyone ...fucking everyone knows I am going to gym and when at the end of the year there will no visible changes , what will I do. I will lose all the hope. I am doing this for my future self, so that if it will be needed again I will have the faith that weight loss and fitness is possible for me. I can do it again but I am not able to do it even the first time.

Then comes all the doubts with this marriage crap. And before even marriage I dont even know if I will get married to guy I want. My parents are so supportive unlike everyone else. And if his parents agrees then other anxiety on different things comes in. Why are all these things made in favour of only men???? And if they were done for some reasons in past years , why they cant be changed now. Why it is so deep rooted. It kills me inside that I have to shut the real Archie inside me and become okay with all this crap just because my parents wants this. What if my life became like Medha didi or how mummy suffered here. I dont want my life to be like that. I would not have been in so much dilemma if, he was a bit consoling. Its like he doesnt care what i feel or what I am saying. Its like I am talking to the wall sometimes. Its so frustrating and I dont want to do arrange marriage so I have to go with this and this also not confirmed I am so negativeb ( I dont want to be) , I am just not able to think anything positive. He is very important to me , I dont see my life without him but at the same time , the consequences of marriage scare me . i will be doing those I never wanted to do. I am not able to make up my mind for all that That is why I am looking for help. Its very difficult to you know gather courage and just go to some clinic and talk. Because when I start talking I myself reject my feelings that what a stupid I am, always crying and anxious. I feel like an idiot

[a--safe--space]

Sometimes I feel if I had the brain at the right time what different the life would have been.Not that its bad right now I am very grateful but the things I had to faced in this journey… how I lost and gained myself again… I would not have to go through all that only if I would have taken one decision right. That one decision has kept me behind from so many people even though i worked harder than most of them.

How different it would have been if I had listened to my mom and dad and just studied and planned instead of all what I did. I do wish I could change all that. I would have saved myself from all this guilt and regret. Again not that I am not happy or grateful. I consider myself stronger and blessed than ever but I do feel if I was more aware, careful believed in myself and loved myself more at that time I would have been more confident and less anxious.

I would not have been this scared everytime before taking a decision. The same sort of phase has come again. Taking decision for marriage is a big thing, my whole life depends on it. I love him but wo gut feeling nahi aa rahi uske gharwalon ko lekar.

Aur meine jab bhi yahan kuch likha hai I was right always. Samaj nahi aa raha kya karun

[a--safe--space]

Super Fucked!!!

Aj ke time mein agar apke parents apko shadi karne ka sochne ke liye time de de toh bohot badi bat hai . Aur wo time nhi karni hai , kab karni hai , karni bhi hai ya nahi ke liye nahi hota. Wo isilye hota hai ki tum apna mann banao kaise bhi karne ke liye, they dont care!!! And mere mom dad are giving me time for this , ye unki achi chez mein count hoga , bar itna low set hai !!!

I am fucking 68 kgs, even if I think to loose my weight and even if I lost weight and looked amazing, there will be no point , why because I will be married, who will anyhow care I wanted to tell them about the thing ( you know what !!! ) but he will also have to talk at his house right? Shayad chale jana chahiye tha US, shayad bach jati is emotional blackmail se Yahan kisi ko kuch nahi padhi, bas inki ladkian inpar burden hain aur inhe muh dikhana hai society ko. Congratulations i am getting married this year (forecefully)

[a--safe--space]

I am stupid!!!

Why did I tell him that I dont want to take the laptop tomorrow!!! WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I feel the whole trip is ruined and I cant think of anything else except what idiot I am. I cant think of anythingelse except what Mahesh might be thinking about me that I dont work or I am I just dont know this I dont know how to handle corporate talk!!! And I still look for other people's validation so that i dont overthink. I need to stop overthinking on my own

God please help me!!!! I am going to Goa tomorrow I should be more happy and excited. I am sorry bhagvanji

[a--safe--space]

Super Grateful!!!

If I could talk to my past self from 10th class, I am sure she would be so proud of me and would say this is how exactly I want my life to be. I mean I am so grateful for whatever I have and how god has been with me this whole time. I don't know if God is a he or she, but thank you for believing in me, for making me so damn lucky and listening to me and being there for me every time, for picking me up whenever I fall and for giving me strength to get back up. Thank you for making me love myself again. I now I don't pray daily but you are always in my mind and you know how much thankful and grateful I am to you daily. This makes me emotional, I feel how and I get questions in my mind , I also get scared that I don't want to come out of this dream. This is exactly how I dreamt and a few years back I forgot to dream and aim. I thought nothing will happen and it all will stay the same with me. But No! it changed and I am so grateful. Thank you so much Bhagwanji! I cant thank you enough for what you do for me everyday and for always being there for me. For everything - my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my success, my family, my friends, my decisions , for myself!! Thank you so much!! I love you <3 :')

[a--safe--space]

To control the toughest of ourselves

The rage I have whenI hear or see the age old traditions which only women have to follow just in the name of showing respect and saving the honor of our so called culture. Why is it just a woman's duty ? I mean if it was not for women, who would have been taking forward all these so called traditions, be it, the traditional clothes or "dunia bhar ke rasm riwaz" I dont know what to do. I am scared , why? Because the guy I like, his family is even more orthodox. I dont know what will I be expected to do if we happen in the future. I really dont think he will stand up for me or maybe he will. How can I tell when its been just 1 year with him. Infact, I dont believe there is any guy who stands up for his wife infront of his parents. My dad did though but we already know what is the actual truth. The truth which will go to grave with me I guess. I dont want to marry at all but I dont have the strength to stand against the will of my mom and dad. I can extend it but I cannot disappoint them for life, I mean I know how tense they will be their entire life. I wish I had the option to not marry. Sometimes I think I start getting serious because I dont want to go for the arrange thing. But I feel what if this goes wrong becuase there are so many things which i feel are not in sync with my values. If I am so much stressed out at this point , what will happen in the future. But at the same time I also fear, what if this doesnt work out, what will I do then. How will I move on ? Even if I do move on, how will like someone else. I hate this society , I hate the people in it and I hate how men are so privileged. How they dont acknowledge it and still blame women for everything. Sometimes (always) I really hate men!!!!!

[a--safe--space]

Adulting hitting hard!!

I wanted to stay because the people felt like mine but couldnt becaue the priority was someone else. sucks right!! but he is important!!!

[a--safe--space]

Blank as in a void!

Maybe this is because I am PMSing or maybe I don't have any one left to really share or even ask that the things I am thinking right now are actually there or I am again just expecting more. You know that think from other's perspectives but till what limit. There must be some limit.

I cannot just do stuff to make me seen or heard. As if they can't see or maybe they are ignoring. Sometimes I do feel they put themselves above everything. Like you know when you genuinely care you tend to compromise sometimes and I am sure they must too sometimes. But recently I feel things have changed, we are already old, doing nothing or whatever they like and however they like.

Gotta go now

[a--safe--space]

Regret

I wish I had listened and not joined TCS. I deserved so much more, I wish I had known my value. My past decisions are still affecting my current decisions. This time I grateful and heartbroken at the same time

I don't know how to let this go

Please help me bhaghvanji to forgive myself. I want to forgive myself I want to let go

[a--safe--space]

Evil Eye!

I dont know if it is there or not, if whats happening is because of this or not, its just something is going wrong. Maybe its for good but right I dont know exactly what to do or think. Again, I am still standing by the grace of God but I dont know how many more days, maybe until the day I have a certain amount in my account after that I might fall. I have not told my parents about the lay off. Talked to a colleague today , he said to take this as an opportunity like a positive side. I dont have any burdens to send money home so I can prepare and can crack something really nice. He is right , I can but I dont know from where this uneven emotions and thoughts are coming in. I am trying not to cry, because I have already done that alot of times infact in last 3 days and not because I got laid off but because of the fact I was not important enough to them. I couldnt leave a mark that I know things. I am not perfect but I never really thought that I will be laid off. Sometimes I feel really lonely. I have people around asking my where abouts (maybe because its fresh news) but I still feel that no one understand what I am feeling. I dont know why this has happened. Is this because I cleared the two rounds and people got to know about it and now the evil eye!!!!!! I dont know about my third round, I dont know if I will even clear it. Because the same happened in case of Google also. It got delayed and I was ....you know what!!!!!!! I cannot tell my parents, I cannot. I cannot give them another reason to sympathise with me (Every child is different and crap....). I feel like everyone is sympathising with me, treating me like a bechari which I am not. I am angrry, very angry... I fucking want to beat some one up. I am disappointed in myself not by the management. I couldnt prove myself, I was slow. I am beating myself up again!! I am doing this since last 4 days. I need to understand that this does not define my worth. Its just a job......fuck them!!!! I dont care !!! I have always stood back up and got out of situations like this, infact worse than this. I will come out way better this time too. And if this is a so called exam...then I better tell you...watch me bro this will turn me out hotter!!!! You will watch....everyone will watch!!

[a--safe--space]

शायद मुझे चले जाना चाहिए था बहार जब मेरे पास चांस था, तो शायद इन तकियानूसी बातों से बच जाती जो मुझे इतना परेशान करती हैं। कभी कभी लगता है की ऐसा क्यों हैं सब क्यों मुझे सबके हिसाब से चलना पड़ेगा , क्यों में वही सब करूँ जो लड़कीओं के लिए लिख दिए गया धरम में ?

[a--safe--space]

Breathe.

Reminder to breathe whenever I feel triggered or overwhelmed by the thought that what if whatever I am doing is not correct.

What if I am again taking a bad decision? I start overthinking and I have kind of figured out my thinking patterns and triggering points that where I start feeling this way, having this anxiety sort of thing. I am thinking of meeting a proper psychologist, like offline meet. So I can just share with someone who will not question or judge. Maybe I will be able to handle it in a better way and not tend to cry always. I am just wishing I find some therapist with whom my thoughts match or I can gel up with. I am writing this all because this moment I am again triggered , I have started overthinking and I have to focus on something else, i.e., career related. I don't know if I will get the job or not , but if I will, next few months I think can go pretty well. I hope whatever I am doing right now and whatever decisions I am taking right now for future , dont tend out to be wrong. I just hope I dont regret later because I dont want to slip into that depression thing again. I dont know how will i come out of it again because last time it was only me, this time I will have to cut connections with people I think I love.

[a--safe--space]

Reminder

Just saw an old note in one of my rough text notebooks. You were and are so strong Arch!! I am so proud of you. You stood for yourself. Thank you for doing that, thank you so much!! I will not let you down ever......

[a--safe--space]

When you speak your mind

Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Besharam Behsaram Besharam Cant get this out of my head. To whom should I talk to? Will anyone understand what I think. Today my morning was all about my overthinking, I had another anxiety attack, couldnt stop crying. I tried so hard to control it, I just couldnt. The whole guilt trip takes over and I try to stop it, to break the loop by breathing and stuff , by babying myself but nothing worked. I missed home, in 2021 atleast I was at home. Today I was alone. At home I did feel like I cannot share because I didnt know what was happening. But this time I know what is happening and I have no one to share. This is the first time I have felt lonely. Lonely even when I have people around me who love me (I think so). Then the verbal fight ofcourse in the evening which declared me "Besharam". The feeling where the other person dont try to understand you is really frustrating. I wish I could make people understand what I feel or am thinking. Maybe I am super bad at it or maybe I thing too practical, I dont know But I do know this, it will take time to forget what I was called today by my fav person. I am hurt, really hurt. Funny part , I have to pretend I am okay, and that person doesn't even know what I am feeling so bad about. Not that he is not trying to make me feel okay, but why would you lose your calm and scar me with a word I will never forget. I would have not called you this. I respect you I will never say this to you, I could not even think about this word and think of you at the same time.

[a--safe--space]

An age to witness real changes!

For the first time in my life, I am witnessing real changes. The changes which I am thinking are big. My best friend, the only friend I used to meet every month is getting married soon and another closest friend is going abroad for master's. I don't have many friends left whom I will meet or can call. It's scary that the time has come when everyone is going on their path and I am witnessing every change. I have never felt alone till now. I have always loved my own company when even no one was around. But I don't know how for the past few months I have been feeling this hollowness that I am alone. I don't have anyone to call when I really want to talk to someone or share my rant. Is it because I have also become a bit distant or I don't know what the fuck is happening!!!!! Suddenly I am old enough to marry and have kids. I don't even feel sufficient yet in terms of money, I have not been to places and I see my friends being proper housemakers with juggling work on the side telling me that "ladkion ko toh karna hi padhta hai" and crap!!! Then I feel I am in the wrong circle. I am so not ready for all of this. What do you think I should do?

[a--safe--space]

Have you ever felt suffocated by a thought?

There are times when I am amazed at how diverse and orthodox people still are when it comes to rituals like dowry and giving away the bride. A woman gives away so much of herself when she marries. It's not only her family but her own body for the kids which will never be identified by her name but her husband's or his family's. I am not even bringing the other compromises like leaving a family, starting a whole new life, adjusting to other people's requirements, putting a career on hold for the kids without even thinking once, etc, which men are never expected to do. I am not saying men don't contribute but still, marriages are harder on women than men. And yet somehow men are more victims that they demand dowry, why? I heard from a man - "The wife will live in his house for free so she should give him the dowry." He totally ignored all the other things she would bring to the table as if they were useless. It kills me that no matter what she does, she will always be like a guest because yes that is not her home, she will have to pay in some form or another. He clearly stated that by saying the above-quoted sentence. I swear if women in Indian society had the choice or they had built the society according to their rules, leaving their families would not have been a part of it. We don't want to live in your house and become a burden on you.