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little weirds, jenny slate

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“How a person reacts to your sadness says a lot about how long they’re going to be in your life.”

— S. Z.

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MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO となりのトトロ 1988 | dir. Hayao Miyazaki

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We’ll have days again where the color of the sky is enough to take away all the problems we endure even for just a while.

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Tried to chug a bottle of wine and get drunk at 23 but couldn’t because I remembered I have an online class at night. Anyway, just turned a year older and still insane. ✨

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What does it feel like to be on your own? Does your limb transcend to decay or does your insides quiver out of horror? To be on your own means to have a total control of your life. To take responsibility for every decision you’ll have to make. To be your own person, regardless. It can be terrifying to be fully available for ourselves like how easy we can be for others since life did not teach us that way but that should change now. It’s not selfish putting yourself as priority and being on your own does not mean lonely but rather freeing. Sure, you still need help from others; we all do. That’s human nature. But to have a life all on your own, could make you breathe easy and take your own space without being afraid of actually taking up space. To be out there all on your own is self-growth in the making and nothing can compare to the rush that comes in being bold and walking through life with a whole adventure beyond.

(srrnmia | do not resist, you do you)

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I am in no rush for anything. Right now, I am happy to be just where I am and who I am whether that is a good thing or not. I am alright to just simply be in the present with or without meaning. I am deeply immensed to the feeling of being able to breathe in this space that I can call my own. To be alive relentlessly. I am in no rush for anything even if it means that when tomorrow comes—I may not wake up. What matters is, right now, I exist.

—srrnmia (been here 2020)

Also; a sidenote—please listen to ‘Droplets by Lewis Watson feat Gabrielle Aplin. It’s 10:33 currently as I am writing this, the rain had just stop pouring. I can smell the earth outside through the windows. How is it out there? I still wonder.

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I’ll allow myself to feel this. I won’t fight getting sad anymore and at the same time, I won’t allow any of it to get the best of me. I have been dodging falling into this mess constantly. I thought running blind away from the past would get me anywhere. I’ve searched for ways to fill the void of being left behind. I’ve laughed so hard many times for a long time even when I don’t mean to. I believed that I am okay and that I can get over this dump I’m in if I just carry on. I’ve been asked how I’m doing and my answer always encompasses lies I tell myself. But this time; I’ll allow myself to crumble, to cry, to be vulnerable, to stop trying. Because no matter how I think how weak I look, how weak I feel— it is normal to be this way. There is nothing damnable in letting every bit of feeling consume you, it is okay to authorize pain to have its way until no roads could be paved. It is perfectly fine to get awfully sad. It’s okay to let yourself feel and be just what it is. So—once and for all, I’ll hang with these little gray clouds and I will not wonder till when but this I’ll make sure— there’s always a room or two for painted skies.

(srrnmia | you’re alright, just let it be)

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A boy gives a raised fist salute in front of the New Haven courthouse during a demonstration by 15,000 people in 1970. Bobby Seale, chairman of the Black Panther Party, and Ericka Huggins were on trial along for murder. Both were acquitted (photo by Stephen Shames)

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This too shall pass.

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Let’s all admit that it is never easy to look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge first-hand the things that are good about you, see through or not. We tend to focus on our flaws and what we lack most times. We deprive ourselves the respect and love it needs. We don’t realize how beautiful the universe sees us. We don’t see the good in us and the potential greatness we carry inside us. We are driven by our own insecurities. We spotlight what don’t pleases us and cry because we think we are not good enough. It has always been like this. But what if we look at ourselves and see it the way we’re all supposed to be seen? What if we accept ourselves the way we’re all originally made? If only we give ourself enough credit. It is hard to love who we truly are (naked and bold) but it’s worth all the entire heartaches.

(srrnmia | it’s that hour)

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But it is these crucial times like losing passion, feeling lost, and basically fleeting away into the vastness of space that we seek deeper of who we are, of where we are rooted hundreds or thousands of years ago. It seems small, this space is, but in reality, it is the world. We are the very world. It is in these crucial times that no matter how testing or complicated things get, that no matter if we have hit the rock bottom; it is at this point that we have to make ourselves remember that we have been here many centuries ago, maybe in our past lives. We have been here before and we have made it nonetheless. We will get through it because little do we know that the universe got our backs. We are made up of it, atoms and all, whichever way you think it, you have been and will eternally be part of it. Love, you are the very world, we all are and one of these days, you’ll realize this and the meaning of every struggle holds only to make you stronger, bolder, different—only to make you a better person for yourself and those around you. Love, it is in these crucial times that you have to hold on tighter than ever to the great unknown.

(srrnmia | hard times)