a-freaking-diary

[a-freaking-diary]

29 Nov 2021

Lol if not anyone else I can ways count on my mother bringing me down.

Had been feeling like shit for over a week ( but back to feeling like a bad bitch again. Bless

Ghazals r low key cool

Mohabat by arooj aftab

Come and get it just the first verse on repeat is a blessing

Anxiety after effects leave u kind of bruised on the inside like actually bruise. Its good to take time off amd do sowmthing u like during that time.

*anxiety due to being alone in class (don't make the same mistake again baeee)

Also i m gonna smash my academics

In no fucking way am I gonna stop living my good life. I make things better for myself. Bless my existence

It's all about management

[a-freaking-diary]

I feel empty rn.

Idk whyyy

Uni wala scene is annoying me.

I just don't like it.

I extremely hate my extended family. In no fuckign way will I allow those problematic ass people in my life.

I m sterring off of them.

I m going to build new relations.

[a-freaking-diary]

*this is a random revelation u had few months back

There's a thin line between being good close friend friends and romantic partners.

[a-freaking-diary]

23 Nov 2021

Idk man I just wanna stay here and work with awesome creative people here. Then die peacefully at 50 or 55.

Will I even be able to do it? I feel like ke me yahi rahoo gi...

I can have a studio here in one of the homes or soemthing or in the upper or bottom section of the house. Idk

I am scared and excited for it.

I am not qualified enough. I feel like I am not talented enough. I feel like I am not capable of it.

Fuck it, if this country goes down, I am going down with it. It's not like I care about alot of things here wese bi.

Idk how I am going to live...

[a-freaking-diary]

21 Nov 2021

Ok so I was thinking a out future and what I wanted to do.

I have always planned to move out of pak but I mean I will have a house here with a swimming pool attached and isloo is pretty. Pak has so many beautiful places that I can go and visit. I mean my Pinterest board home is so focused on nature, animals, arts, going out with good friends, eating, gardening and everything, travelling. And that's it. I mean yea dressing up too but yea that's the general gist.

I don't want to feel the pressure of being with soemone. I don't really care about it. I like being by myself alot more. It's just nice.

I am slowly gaining my independence. I will let my drivers license in Dec. I will get my car too in a couple of months.

I will get to meet up with people. I will be able to go out.

So my 20s

Ig just just focus on improving your work, skills and career. So gl for that.

And also meet up with people, go on travelling, animals, arts, movies, music, eating, build good relationships.

Inspo: Kristen Leo (30, unconventionally)

[a-freaking-diary]

I would like to give you My heart and do whateve u want with it. I would like u to do whatever u want with it. It doesn't matter if u hurt me or give joy. I am all urs. Love u very much 💖💖

Let's get back up and start moving again. Lol

My ode to universe and life.

I will laugh through the pain...<333

[a-freaking-diary]

*** sometimes I am in pain but it's better than not living. Atleast I am living and that's what I want to do. I May have problems, heartbreak and other sort of pains but atleast I am alive, atleast I am living. That's enough for me to move through all of this.

[a-freaking-diary]

16 Nov 2021

I 0lanned to do marijuana and psychedelics with han by going over to her house but now I am thinking otherwise. Bcuz marijuana does have good aspects to it but it's equally as bad as smoking. And I wanna stay safe so I don't wanna do it. I am really fine with how I am. I don't want drugs. I will just look over the rest.

[a-freaking-diary]

13 Nov 2021

Ok this dude that I m talking to from ID is not cute but is so good with sexting and body. I mean like this dude is so comfortable with bodies and I m like okkkkkkkkkk. This guy is patient and respectful too or atleast that's what it seems like to me from texts lolllllk but for all I know it can be some creep. But whateves he ain't cuteeee. Like seriously sub kuch acha hai it's just this and also he's far away for which I m gladddddd. I just have a certain liking towards people. Even if it's eman wala scene, it's okay imo. I m just kinda done.

I m not superficial but mannn stiiilll...

Also I might stop texting back slowly cuz fuck it I don't need extra stupid emotionsss in my life rn.

Also it would have been nice if it was someone cute. Welll fuck I m annoying. He was nice for sexting for time being but whateve.... moving on to next best things in life.

But few things r cleared I want to be with someone who has similar view point of life (beliefs), lifestyle, priorities, hobbies/interests, physically near and same will to live as me. Also sexual intimacy too ig.

It would help too but if the person is cute.

Fuck it I will just deal with things as they come in my life but I really don't want my life style to degrade like I have a certain liking and standard of things. Such as a good home, nature, clothes, traveling, swimming, meeting up with people, watching shows, arts basically my Pinterest board. To me aesthetic is quite imp so whateve but mostly the depth and feel of the situation and person.

Fuck it I like being by myself wese bi so everyone can just go fuck themselves and leave me the fuck alone.

Also girls r so much more cuter and hotter than guys. I just can't find any girl lollll. I hope tp someday tho. Universe send it to meeee.

Also god fara and dawood wala bi tek hai appearance me. I mena not 9bsesed with it but even this is fine. I justttttttttttt... fuck it whatever.

I am good on my ownnn.

[a-freaking-diary]

11 Nov 2021

I think I have grown. I feel blessed to know that.

I am tackling things better so it feels nice.

[a-freaking-diary]

4 Nov 2021

I was talking to a friend of mine about my deranged family and just now (after hours) I realized I have never received much of support from my family. They have always forced me down. They can't force me down now but now I only meet with silence. That is enough.

I saw my friend showing me stories of a friend who was my junior actually and shes this really smart, attractive and confident girl who got into one of the best uni in London. She was having fun and partying. And I wanted that.

I just felt sad. But I am different than her, my situation is different than hers. If I had left, my parents would have eaten each others face off.

Ok ig it is what it is. I will accept it. But now it has also given me confidence ein myself to not ask for permissions and to just do what I want to do. I don't need to say anything. I just have to do it. I don't need the support, I believe in myself. I think I can do this. I have my priorities lined up. And trust in future and myself.

I have people to talk to if I need help I think. I think I will be able to do it. I am glad for myself and my life. As I said to her, I am content with myself and my life. I know where to go and I will be fine.

[a-freaking-diary]

2 Nov 2021

I live in a very toxic environment.

My mother is a manipulator. She manipulates and breaks people on the inside causing them to get physically violent at her. But she doesn't realize that it's her words that cause this. It's very fucked up. E.g today there's soem fight about plot and transferability or soem shit. All I know is that it's a very entities topic and it's something she uses against AJ to fuck him up inside. To twist and turn emotions in him, mess him up internatnally entirely cause him to get physical. She likes using her words and playing with people emotionally and psychologically until they break.

So I tried to come in between to stop from getting her too much hurt.

But she legit breaks the person from the inside.

[a-freaking-diary]

31 oct 2021

I hate white people.

They male me feel shit about myself as if I am infériorité. Fick off assholes. I don't think I will ever date white people.

But latinos, black and desiq. They r right up my alley. I think we should prolly create a cult against white people lolllll. Jk

Oh also

Yes zainab. Stop,emotionally engaging yourself with other things such as friendships and relationships too much. That emotional enaggaemnt should be with studying à lot more. Ok?

Studying is something u just have to do. There's no other way around it. And you know that.

I will Start studying at 9 am.

So forget herm sing

Also I found this person randomly in my insta dms. We wère both bored and clicked so well.

This persons from Delhi

And I told all history of here.

But since I don't want to be emotionally engagéd deeply in soemthing. I am letting go of it. Bcuz then emotions r riled up.

Also another reason which is the stupid one out of them. The persons not that cute looking.

Also I m gonna get a tat this décembre so that's pretty cool. Cost is exp but whatever.

Also I feel like I m interacting with people better than before obv I have grown but I feel like it's bcuz I have grown as an identity and am confident in myself. I don't need people to be happy. I have learned to cultivate happiness with myself. So I am my own temple and hero. And I sometimes forget that when I interact with people. Sure they add à good feeling but things can get complicated and I drop out of that.

Also I feel like for me I don't have to give explanations to people in terms of what I like and what I want to do and what I do. I just do it, no explanations given. I don't feel like I ha e to tell mu parents about what I do. It doesn't concern them so I don't have to tell them. This is a big thing for me. This is the big révélation for me. I have a world and identity outside them. They are not my world. They are just à part of it. And this is big. This is big for me. This realization is important for me. They have limited me so much just for protecting me not realizing that they were hurting me while prltecting me from the world. They themselves are mentally troubled people. Dont get it wrong I am grateful for evrything they do but there need to be boundaries and this is something I feel like is so prominenrt to where I live. Making children specifically girls limited to just à small world.

It dont matter anymore.

It's just me now.

[a-freaking-diary]

27 oct 2021

I am scared but we are going to be okay. It's hard emotionally but we are going to be okay. It will be okay love/dear and I will be there for you always forevermore ♥ 💖💖

[a-freaking-diary]

16 Oct 2021

Another truth is that my parents and family love me but they don't like me.

[a-freaking-diary]

12 Oct 2021

The truth is I am not mentally too well.

I think I might have borderline bipolar disorder. Not there but definitely sowm symptoms are there. I sometimes get into psychosis (losing rationality and self). Such as slapping AJ Wala situation.

This comes from Ami.

She's the main cause. She s the source. I hate her for it. But I can't blame her because she's a victim of this society of AJ and everything else. And this hurts. I won't allow myself to be succumbed to this messe sup structure. She lost herself to this place. She's dead. And this hurts because it's by people immediate in your life (in support system). Being brought down by these people. It's sad. I called her anpad because she wouldn't stop hurling pain and anxiety with her words. She was hurting AJ. And I regretted it soon after I said it. Because it's not her fault. It's AJ fault. It's society fault. The society failed her. Her immediate support failed her. He stopped her. And I won't allow myself to be succumbed no fucking way.

I have to financially grow independent. This starts from uni for me.

[a-freaking-diary]

10oct 2021

I m starting to use baking soda, water and essential oil (for scent) as shampoo. It's easy, quick, no poo and cheap. So good for me ig.

Just gonna use oil in hair an hour before.