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Finishing Soft > Finishing Strong

It has been quite the year. God has taught me so much about himself, and Ephesians 3:20 comes to mind a lot- God is one who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. I came into this year feeling really overwhelmed (trying to be strong and balance a lot of work with a lot of emotions but miserably falling short) and didn't even know what to ask from God for the new year. So expectations weren't high, but looking back on the work He's done, I know that even if I came in with mile-high expectations, what God gave me was far greater.

January was when seeds were planted- for the first time, I felt a desperate need for emotional support. The stress of traveling in a new place during peak-COVID with multiple trip interruptions was too overwhelming, and I saw the value of having someone around who holds you up when you can't do it yourself, and this highly independent lifestyle of mine may need to change.

June was when the heart transformation began, kick-started by the Learning to Let Go sermon series at church. Right from the start, I felt the urge to re-examine my attitude towards my dad, and subsequently dating, and every week felt like another push to probe deeper and self-confront sub-optimal behavioral patterns I've noticed in my life. Some reflections and key takeaways from the sermon series:

1. Jesus gives new meaning to the cycles of dying and rising. The Paschal mystery can be applied to metaphorical deaths in our lives, and death never has the final word. After death comes resurrection, grieving, letting go, and finally, new life.

2. The biggest "death" in my life has been my relationship with my father. Death was the middle/high school years where I witnessed borderline unfaithfulness in my parents' marriage and was harassed on the phone by a mystery pervert for a full year. The damage was reinforced by years of hearing my dad constantly raise his voice at my mom over matters of no importance. I always downplayed this because others go through far worse things-- actual divorces in the family, rape and sexual abuse. But all the "small" happenings did lead to something serious for me- a twisted view of marriage, making that and relationships things from which I distanced myself.

I think a good metaphor for this is being someone who finds themselves deep in a pit, looking around and seeing nothing but walls and wondering...what happened? There was no bulldozing (except maybe a bit at the beginning) and I never noticed myself descending into a pit, but the continual yelling over the years added up, like one shovelful of dirt at a time that gradually deepened the pit.

Also experienced a love deficit- my dad didn't say he didn't love me or rejected me, but also he never said he loved me. Missing the sense of security and protection from a father was like a perceived rejection and led to an unnatural desire to protect myself and a reluctance to take risks.

This repeated thought pattern led to decisions to "always be OK" and values of self-protection and lifestyle of living behind walls and eventually bondage to this fear of rejection if I come out from the walls I've come to know as home.

3. Next comes resurrection- coming to know Christ, understanding that the perfection I expected from my dad only comes from God, that we are all sinners who need to forgive one another, that there is hope when losses are redeemed and even turned into good. I accepted and believed all these things, but never truly felt them in my heart. 

4. Grieving is what I have been stuck in for nearly 15 years. I knew something was amiss, but never directly addressed the issue. Freedom class at church back in 2016 brought a lot of awareness and was the first real step I took, but my years of young adulthood were mostly spent prioritizing fun adventures with friends, working, and growing in independence. I'm grateful that these other parts of life went extremely well- except for a few periods when I was down about certain boys, most of the time was spent happily exploring new cities, trying local brunch spots and foreign delicacies, and finding joy in new hobbies like running, cycling, and snowboarding. I made half-hearted efforts to patch the relationship with my dad, but efforts to be kind/patient/loving etc often fell short.

5. Letting go requires:

Faith. Saying 'yes' to God requires letting go of me-in-control, trusting in God and His plan rather than what we see directly in front of us, our own expectations of outcomes and expectations of God

Biblical example: Jairus wanted healing for his daughter but contrary to expectations, she died. But God brought her back from the dead and he got his daughter back and witnessed resurrection instead. God disillusions us at the right time so our trust is in Him and not our own perceptions of God and things God "should" do for us.

Focus on knowns (elements of God's character we've personally experienced in the past) instead of unknowns (all that could go wrong). God doesn't want us to know the future but to be saturated with his presence today.

What I see is all the things that could go wrong and a repeated cycle of hurting and breaking. Human nature prevents me from seeing much farther than that. Need to let faith in God be bigger than my fears

Discernment between fear that warns and fear that possesses. Counter memorials of fear with memorials of God's goodness.

Repent of the sin of agreeing with fear

2 Tim 1:7- For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control

6. New life came at the end of July, when dad just so happened to fly into town the day I was moving. He originally had a layover but that morning, his flight changed to a direct flight and he was able to arrive in the afternoon. I told him to just rest at the hotel and I’d meet him for dinner as originally planned, but instead of doing that or asking to sightsee, he insisted on helping me move. Having his support on a day when I was so emotionally distressed and in need meant the world, and it was the first time I felt like I could accept his love again. To see how he sacrifices, puts aside his own injuries for the sake of helping me move was so moving (ha ha). Two days later, the government approved my green card, putting an end to over a decade of waiting, tears, and endless inconveniences around school/job/risking deportation. Never have I had blessings just drop in my lap and see things go my way so effortlessly, and I am so glad God brought me onto a "mountaintop" to teach me about his character- how much He sees and cares about the pain I carry, how powerfully He redeems in his perfect timing. 3 things I experienced:

Repentance: realizing the log in my own eye for holding things against my dad for so long. Yes, he did sin, but I've sinned too in holding onto unforgiveness for so long and it's ultimately on me to let go.

Redemption: I feel like I experience this every day. Two of my biggest blockers to healing (my hardened heart + lack of a green card) were resolved within days of each other. I felt seen by God- I knew that all the furious, frustrated prayers I lifted up in the past were heard, and this was His plan all along to tie it together in a crucial moment like this. Letting go felt like something I could never do myself, but these signs from God reassured me that He is behind all of this and helps me to do what I can never do on my own (just like how Jesus came to die for our sins and restore our relationship with God, something we never could've accomplished ourselves). I'm constantly reminded of God's love, goodness, presence and power.

Resurrection: the final step in the process was in October, when I visited home and got to celebrate dad's 65th birthday in person. My heart was different this time around- I actually wanted to keep the conversation going in the car and asked about his life, I wanted to do something special with him on his birthday (went fishing together where I caught my first fish!), and I wanted to love him the way I love everyone else around me (baking him a cake!). At long last, I felt lightness as I found myself finally able to put aside the anger, hate and resentment I've carried all these years and instead can receive God's blessings in a relationship with my dad. It's been so healing to share with friends as well, who affirm the growth and new 'softness' in me and encourage me to continue stepping out in faith (need to push myself every day to not retreat back into the old life).

Here I am in November, having had the most emotional year of my life. It hasn't been easy, but the hope that God is working and drawing me into more of His light and grace has kept me going. I'm excited to continue claiming His promises and victories, to move on from my winter season into a blossoming spring and eventually/hopefully bear much fruit when I reach summer. Currently in a season of reframing my past and learning to see past wounds that held me back are soooo small in the context of how big and great God is. Two of my favorite verses that I continue to hold onto:

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full

Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Looking to next year, I want to remind myself any steps I take forward into dating is bravery and progress, and I have to show myself grace. Also, I am tired of holding back! And this is the year for my choices to reflect my hopes and not my fears! I have nothing to lose! This is a learning opportunity to grow in a severely under-developed area of my life! Need to continue praying for humility and courage to stay the course, but I’m happy I can finally move onward rooted in love and hope instead of fear and doubt.

With each new year in the past, I've always made goals to be "stronger." Physically, I wanted to run and bike more miles. Spiritually, I wanted to grow in my knowledge of the Word and memorize verses. Professionally, I wanted to get promoted and keep on climbing the corporate ladder. It was always growth, growth, growth. I prided myself on strength, independence, and my ability to navigate the world on my own. And while this is great, I am realizing there are other ways to live. I liked to be strong so I can brace for impact, feel protected by my own strength and the walls I've built. But today, I learned about cats falling from high buildings (lol) and how they're able to survive because they can relax in the air and turn themselves around to land on their feet. I don't always have to be hardened and strong to keep moving forward, I can be soft and miraculously absorb the impact and continue on my way.

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When Mom brought you home 14 years ago, I had no idea how you would impact my life. Back then, I was just excited to have a pet in the house and a new furry, energetic companion to play with, but as we grew up together, you came to mean so much more.

There were those summer nights when we’d sleep in the basement together because it was too hot to sleep upstairs. I’d be afraid to go to sleep in the dark by myself so you always came with me, lying faithfully by my side until I fell asleep before joining the rest of the family again upstairs.

There were those dinnertime conversations that were centered around you and your silly antics. Our entire family would swap stories about how cute, funny, and ridiculous you were, because you had this magical ability to unite people. Half the reason why I’m so close to my mom and talked so much with her while growing up was because we always bonded as dog-lovers. Whether it was through giving you a bath together, playing catch with you together, or taking you on a walk together, you provided a way for us to have so many conversations and share so much laughter. Somehow, you were instrumental in bringing our family closer together.

There were those times you had to deal with an impatient, angry little girl. I yelled at you, kicked you, took out unjustified anger on you, and yet, you never once fought back. While other dogs bared their teeth at me after the slightest provocation and held grudges, you were the ultimate example of what it means to forgive and forget. No matter what happened, you would always greet me a few hours later with a wagging tail and a doggy grin on your face.

And then, there were those times you had to deal with a sad little girl. Whenever my parents fought, whenever I felt lost, hurt, rejected, you were there for me. Through the most difficult parts of my childhood, when I didn’t want to talk to another human and just needed to cry, you were always the first warm body I turned to. Hugging you brought so much comfort and relief when I was too ashamed to face anyone else.

You held such a special place in all of our hearts. Even my dad, who hated your loud barking and always threatened to send you back the first few years we adopted you, eventually gave in and couldn’t resist your lovable personality. When my brother and I were growing up, you brightened up every afternoon, giving us a hero’s welcome every day we came back from school. When we left for college, you kept my mom company, filling in for the absence of my dad, my brother, and me.

So thank you, Lisa, for not only the energy, joy, and laughter you brought into our lives but also for the lessons you’ve taught me. You showed me what loyal friendship, selfless love, and joyful living truly looks like. It’s hard to say goodbye, but you’ll always be in my heart.

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This just proves that there is nothing better than a good ad and nothing worse than a bad one. Here are 40 prime examples of impossibly creative adverts in the print and outdoor spaces. Click here ...

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literally stared at this for minutes

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