a-m00d

[a-m00d]

Not talking again

So we got in a bit of a fight starting last night, and now he is completely not responding to me. It started with me....because we had a bit of a virtual sex thing Friday night when I was drinking, and I kindof felt bad/weird about it the next day...but chose not to think about it. But the main thing that got me sad was that it seemed like, he just felt like doing that with me cuz we hadn’t in a while and he was into me particularly that night (as he said). So of course I have to wonder, all those many nights we didn’t talk about anything sexual, how many girls he was saying the same things to. He posted the next day on instagram (twice) a pic of the vapor inhaler, referring to it as kinky...and the fact he posted it twice....and along with a pic of a wolf I know signals some other kindof love story i’m unaware of makes me think he is reaching out to his old flings on instagram since he’s been horny lately. I was trying to be nice and caring towards him being sick, but when I do that...he takes advantage of me and tries to get horny with me and everything like that. Sometimes I comply and sometimes I don’t but I wonder often if he just reaches out to other girls when I don’t comply. And maybe it’s not every time, but i’m sure it’s happened. But from what he’s told me...he loves me, he wants to marry me, etc. and that he hasn’t talked to other girls. Whether he has been with other girls or not, he’s never satisfied. He’s just downright manipulative. I gave him tons of pictures of me one night and the next night he’s complaining I won’t do it again.

The most frustrating thing, though, are his responses when I call him out about this. It’s impossible to get through to him, get him to apologize about anything, get him to even stick to the point. I know so well enough by now that we will never be stable. Whenever we’re not fighting I just wait for things to boil over again. And it always happens. He’s manic and will never change. And on the other side of the coin, i’ve gotten to this point where he’s pretty much the closest friend to me and the person I go to if I’m in trouble, and we’re there for each other...but we just can’t be stable. It’s hard to stare at my phone and realize no one texted me all day. And to be honest, even if I do have that ongoing chat with any of my friends, it’s just not the same. I’m so used to talking to him non-stop. When we wake up...all day, and right up until we go to bed.

I found myself habitually just staring down at my phone all day during work, when waiting for my computer to load, etc., times when I’m just used to texting him back. It’s the perfect amount of time to say something. And every time, I realized, oh, I can’t text him. And I found myself pretty consciously aware of that habit after the realization that I probably wouldn’t get a text from him for the rest of the work day. So there was a huge void. But after yesterday, I felt really down about my life and where i’m at....knowing that he is a part of things I need to move on from or mature away from. I still find myself looking at my phone awaiting his text back. It’s not like him to go this long without texting. But at the same time, I have to tell myself...this is what I need. I’ve already bent myself over about the morals of the whole thing and my slow learning logic/emotional connection point, and what is not right and wrong, etc. But given the nature of where our conversation is at....this seems like a good time to let go. I’m sure I won’t though, and things will get worse. Maybe he’ll text back at some point and i’ll let him in again...but I can’t be the one to text. If he doesn’t text back within the next day or two, I should then block him and then give myself the time to finally grieve and be free. 

I have to think about the fact that, when I am distracted, he is so nice to have around. When I’m scared or upset or going through something awful, I love that he is there, and I totally take that for granted until the times when I don’t have it. But also that, just like any dependency, it takes time to get your body off of it. I have to think about that, at least 50% of the time when we are good...I find myself thinking that I don’t even really like his personality...when he talks about stocks and shit, it’s not even the fact that I don’t quite care about the details, but more about I don’t like his aggressive/BS persona...the persona that boasts about making money or people praising him or that he’s gonna be so rich...or when he’s “so poor” and then splurges his money on something totally unnecessary. I don’t like the persona of his that—consciously or unconsciously—ignores what I’m saying and talks about himself on and on and on. I could list a million more things in here, but I think this is getting away from the deeper issues I started to feel just before writing this post.

When he moved away, I was devastated. Because, weirdly, for those last 2 days, we were in such a good place. But back then I also had the hope that he would still change if he went away. My brain told me he wouldn’t, but that feeling of hope was still there. Now, talking to him in FL, I know he not only hasn’t changed, but probably won’t make it back to NY any time soon. (which in essence is fine, because I wouldn’t want him back in NY if he was in the place that he’s at now and we’re still somewhat talking.)

Fuck...now I want to text him. Now I have the urge to just say something and smooth things over...UGH. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME. Is it boredom? I think I’m searching for hope....either that he will change, or that I will take the next step and just magically get over him and not care one day. It would be so much easier if I met another guy. If he met another girl...well...it would be hard as fuck because I know he would just gradually stop texting me and being interested without ever saying anything and potentially never even admitting it...but it might just be the best blessing in disguise ever. My mind is racing with a million thoughts right now. Although I was debating not saying anything to him about the instagram post, it wouldn’t have mattered...because I felt so strongly about my feeling that he is never satisfied, and that its so unfair to me and that I need better. But does better equal nothing? I mean, in theory it definitely does....and those times when i’m upset and disappointed with him, I dream about just being alone. But then almost immediately after we stop talking, the withdrawal kicks in. THIS IS ULTIMATELY WHY I NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP. And my brain knows this sooooo clearly. But my desires and urges, I just can’t control. He’s like a drug and I need him to go on with my day to day life. There’s literally no difference between him and adderall and juuling and caffeine. The more and more I have gotten older the harder it is for me to give up on my dependencies. Apart from when I was young in high school and just had an epiphany to stop using drugs...now it feels so much harder...maybe because I feel like life is more difficult and depressing, and that I have more responsibility. But also maybe....because I’ve trained myself to get used to these dependencies, and now i’m so stuck in my routine that I just don’t want to deal with the hurt and pain of losing everything and not being in my best mood to give off good energies. 

The part where it gets complicated though, is that...the logic should be that if I don’t have a significant other, I have more time to work on myself and everything else in my life. However, my social life makes up about 5% of my life at this moment. I don’t really talk to any of my friends very frequently and I do spend a ton of time working...or maybe just watching TV, etc. It would be nice to be able to focus even more on my work...but when I do this, I don’t think I will be in that happy place I dreamed of. I think I will feel extremely isolated and yearn for more of a social life and/or romantic connection again. 

It’s difficult to let go. The feeling is very dismal right now. But I have to not just follow my deep-rooted urges. Regardless of what I do, I have to think before I act again. 

Of course, he just texted now. What will I do? I haven’t opened the text, but I’m sure when I read it, it won’t fulfill me. It will either be something dismal about his life to try and make me feel bad for him or something to make me angry. 

...of course it was. 

His first text was like, “i’ve been at the dr. office all day :( bye”

(followed by 2 more texts about how sick he is)

I just really have no words for this behavior. It is so manipulative. If i feed off of his “bye” text, it will only just make things worse. But who am I to deal with that? It’s not a big deal, but it is because I don’t want to engage with people who speak to me like that. And with him, I couldn’t just say anything somewhat rational about that response, like, “i’m sorry but when you text me “bye” or dismissive things, I don’t want to engage” AND I couldn’t even say anything easy or candid like, “text me back when you decide you’re over speaking to me like a child.” If I told him he could either text me like an adult or we don’t talk, he would just act like a child and say “ok fine bye we’re not talking because of you.” He would say something hurtful to me that would pry me right in the gut. Whether I would say something back immediately or not, I would be hurt about it. And then the whole cycle begins and continues again. The reason we have so many problems even in the first place is because the majority of the times I don’t want to talk to him, and I literally can’t...because I have to weigh if the immense stress of the argument that will follow me saying something is better than not saying anything at all. Honestly, even many of those times I do say something, and we do talk it out, more problems occur, making things essentially so complicated we just brush things over. This sounds like a regular relationship, but oh, it’s not at all. HE. DOESN’T. EVER. CHANGE.

[a-m00d]

Untitiled

I really need to see a therapist. After beginning to read Lori Gottlieb’s acclaimed book, I’m having some (likely, given the content) weird and unsettling realizations about my life as it is at this moment, what i’ve contributed to society, why i’m not happy...the whole bit. But thoughts like these have been notably poking into my consciousness for about the past month. I’m utterly lonely...don’t really belong to anyone (disregarding my immediate family)...havent accomplished really anything significant, in terms of making a difference in this world, and am not on track to do so...work a stupid job where i am very low on the totem pole and let sexist south africans boss me around....i’m an unsuccessful, confused artist, with bad art. What else...I dont have any significant friendships or romantic relationships...and I’m sick with a disease that decreases the odds of me finding a romantic partner, significantly (when they were already extremely low to begin with)...what else...

This isn’t going as planned right now.

....

I don’t know what I like anymore. I feel like I have lost some spark inside me--a spark that was filled with some level of happiness about something that was my own. Felt proud to have an identity. But at this moment in time, I really feel like I have no ties to anyone or anything. I feel like the path of the life that I chose right now has kind of failed me. Its very tempting to start over. And while it’s never too late, it is...in a sense.

I want to help people very badly, but, am I okay enough to do this? And even if I am, how in the hell does a graphic design career allow me to do so? After just the two classes I’ve taught on the graduate level, I have to say that while part of me is so happy and interested in the material, part of me thinks...why the hell is this important at all? All this shit we critique about is so fucking trivial. I mean...when I was studying art and graphic design, it was good. I didn’t know where I would land, but, it genuinely did open up my mind in a strange and unexpected way. I was my own teacher, in a sense. Regardless of whether I was successful at the art part or not...I did learn so much...about myself, about the world. But in teaching it...you realize you have this whole new level of responsibility where you are literally shaping the future of the world through the medium of these 12 different minds sitting around you. 

My mind is getting so fucking side-tracked right now. 

Back to why i wrote this post.... I need therapy.

Why?

-Illness (which connects to a million other things)

-awful boyfriend/ex-boyfriend whatever we are

-unfulfilling career path

-eternal lonliness

-chronic depression and anxiety

I guess its killing me to a point.

But at the same time....when I write about wanting to change career paths, I think I am just trying to again chase this other kind of happiness that I don’t know if I will ever find because of the way I am inside. YES, I want to not have to worry about money as much and the stupid politics that we deal with in the graphic design professional world. I.e. A therapist job sounds so nice because you make your own hours and just sit in a room and help people all day.  

[a-m00d]

I know we’re not supposed to be talking...

...or that’s what I told myself would be best.

And I’m probably going to fucking bang my head against the wall later when we text fight or i get angry or sad later about still talking to him.

But it actually feels really nice right now to still be in communication with him. And I also feel that i’m not worried or caring about whether or not he’s on tinder or talking to other girls or anything like that...because it’s like, we ended things. I ended things. I have to remember that. Which I do, now. But I’m a tad bit afraid I will forget that after some time. I don’t get that feeling now, but if things progress, i’m afraid i will start to become more hopeful and get more attached...feeling that things might manifest between us again, when I knew from the start (of the breakup) that they shouldn’t. 

On the other side of the coin, I’m wondering...if we were ever to get back together....or in general, with any guy...thinking about the longevity of a relationship....what about a relationship that has time periods where you can be free and see other people, and time periods where you’re off, and with each other, in a pact to be committed. This would obviously have to be with someone you trust very much. But could this work as a model? I feel myself now not caring if he sleeps with other girls or talks or flirts with them..or manipulates them and tells them he loves them, etc.....obviously the worst consequence of that would be for him to fall for someone else and out of love with me (if I still had those feelings at that time). 

Anyway.

It feels so nice to have a friend back in my life right now (especially in these times). But am I just sabotaging myself even further? 

[a-m00d]

I’d never felt so simultaneously connected and alone with anyone else.

[a-m00d]

Love is awful. 

It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening.

It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life.

It makes you selfish.

It makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair,

makes you cruel,

makes you say and do things you never thought you would do.

It’s all any of us want, and it’s hell when we get there.

So no wonder it’s something we don’t want to do on our own.

I was taught if we’re born with love then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot, feeling right, when it feels right it’s easy. But I’m not sure that’s true.

It takes strength to know what’s right.

And love isn’t something that weak people do.

Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope.

I think what they mean is, when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.

[a-m00d]

on my short walk

i had a random realization that

You’ll never be happy in a relationship if you don’t already have a strong sense of identity. If you don’t have your own thing that you do, you’ll be looking to your partner for your sense of identity; to serve him and be with him. No one likes a blank canvas. 

I need to remember this thought, but fashion it in a way so that my end goal is not to impress a future partner. I need to remember this thought, reminding myself what I want out of me...in general...in my life. I never feel happy with a partner when i’m not doing things on my own that make me happy. When i’m not succeeding at my career and/or doing art and/or doing something that’s unique to me. 

Who will I become in this time?

What parts of me will become the norm, of who I am on a day-to-day basis?

Some parts of me want that feeling of acceptance again....of never finding another partner, of never being with anyone romantically. I teeter between feeling that, sadness and regret, and thinking that one day, I will find someone new (because all the blogs and books say so). 

I know my limits. I know what I don’t want. I know I want someone kind, but I need someone who has their shit together, at least enough. I need someone who doesn’t have severe money issues and emotional baggage to drag me down to that level. I have enough emotional baggage of my own, but can’t deal with someone who deals with it poorly—someone reliant on drugs/sex/pain, someone with no real goals, someone who’s not trying to do something with their life besides be with me. I know I need the space to do my own thing, and succeed at whatever the hell I want. 

Maybe I won’t do anything great, good or novel. I mean, I probably won’t. I don’t want to put pressure on myself to be something great just because I don’t have a significant other in my life. Maybe I’ll just be a mid-level graphic designer for stupid corporate firms my whole life. Maybe i’ll spend every weekend inside, alone, watching TV. Maybe i’ll create some artwork that sucks, and maybe i’ll stop making artwork all together. Maybe I won’t have many friends. Maybe i’ll just be a loner who cuts everyone out and doesn’t even do anything interesting with their life in solitude. Maybe I won’t read books and become more informed. Maybe I’ll teach for a little while and realize I’m a shitty teacher, or that the life is not for me. Maybe I won’t even be able to teach anymore. Maybe I’ll try to freelance and it won’t work out. Maybe I’ll have severe money issues and have to move back in with my family. Maybe my pelvic issues won’t get better any time soon. Maybe I will never be able to have sex freely like I was before. Maybe I will become ugly and gross. Maybe I will have more health issues. Maybe my life will be ultimately pointless. Maybe I’ve hit my peak, and will eventually just watch myself rot away. Maybe there will be a few, fleeting moments of joy in between. And maybe I will be satisfied with this at the end of my life, but maybe I will also regret not making better use of myself.

Transitory periods are hard. Maybe the worst. I feel lost. The unknown is scary as shit, very depressing. Takes a toll on you, no matter how hard you try to ignore it. What’s going on with your life?, asks anyone. Well, tell you the truth, I’ve got no fucking idea.

[a-m00d]

I feel weird today.

I’m so fucking god damn tired. Like many days during this quarantine. Can’t get to bed til 3am, sleep in 2 extra hours...feel like a zombie until late afternoon. It was a tad better when he was here during that. i still felt like this, but i could focus more on my work b/c that was my biggest problem. i knew when i finished work i would be so happy and maybe be able to hang out with him (on the good days). now i’m so damn distracted. everything is going to get a lot more monotonous. i don’t know what to look forward to anymore. I don’t feel like being spiritual today. I feel like yin, the inward—i don’t feel like expending any extra energy to make myself feel better or grow or some bullshit. 

With him, it was constant anxiety. Without him, it’s constant depression. I chose depression over anxiety b/c I knew it was better for my health right now. How fucking sad life is. But i know how i get with depression...it’s like lifting 15 fucking tons of bricks off your back for a moment of sunshine until they fall back down on you again.

I don’t know what the fucking answer is. Should i seek out more distractions to lift my mood? Should I bask in the sadness until i get so sick of it I need to do something else? 

I watched fleabag start to finish and now i want to write a short little story of my own about the hilarious sadness of my relationship decisions over the past 2 years. God, was he awful. Ok...so I enjoyed myself half the time and loved him...but still, god, he was a total fucking wreck. 

[a-m00d]

you don’t always have to do the right thing...

BUT

if you don’t...it may hang over your head forever.

if you do...you may still wonder why you’re not happy.

Our relationship didn’t HAVE to end now...

BUT

it would have had to end eventually

and it was never going to be easy

ever

...................

i’m waiting for when things become good again — it might be a while.

...................

The question is....what do I do with myself right NOW?

I don’t want to find someone else

BUT

I don’t want to be alone

I don’t want to be bored and sad and unproductive

BUT

I don’t feel like doing anything

...................

Some days it’s just hard to be serious and spiritual.

[a-m00d]

hi... i think i should start writing.

i wanted to create a separate journal of sorts to write down my feels about the breakup. but as i’m writing this, i feel ashamed and embarrassed to give so much importance to this failure of a situation. as if he would somehow find these words and think so highly of himself. as if i look back later and say, ‘wow, i needed a whole tumblr blog just to get over him?’. i want to make the disclaimer to myself first and foremost: this journal is perhaps not due to his importance in my life but because of my own life’s importance so to speak. He was important in my life, but i don’t need a journal to get over him more than i needed with any other guy. I need one (or want one) because I want to start to sort out all my conflicting thoughts, therapy is expensive (though maybe i will seek out a therapist soon), i want an organized and private space for this, and i always do better with typing rather than writing (for longer periods of writing) because I can easily find the writing later. I felt the same when thinking about buying a new notebook just to write these thoughts down — I felt that it would be giving him too much credit for my emotions. Now, like I said, I’m feeling this way with starting a whole new tumblr blog just for this. But. I know that I don’t want him to take credit for any of my feelings, I do want to bask in them myself and revel and wail over what is going on inside of my head and heart right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my emotions have been insane over the past few days. obvious statement of the year. i also teeter between numbness/forgetfulness and utter sadness (mostly due to having to act normal for work and other obligations), but i feel somehow there is a healthy balance of that going on right now, and i’m very lucky i don’t have to be in the office right now. i’ll take that over the emptiness of being isolated and alone. my thoughts have been changing like the fucking tides. and the place i’m in right now is deciding if/when to let go of this relationship100%. 

everything seemed slow last week, but then happened so fast at once. the breakup was triggered by our fight 1.5 weeks ago, on the weekend. our third time not being able to even walk with each other and cheer each other up in this disaster of a time. As I walked away from him (or as he lagged behind) i had the gut feeling it was time to end things for good. I’ve said and done this 100000x. This time was slightly different. I felt like i was finally able to surrender. Not 100% of course, but it was different than ever before. It was just a little bit more. Shortly after, he texted me, with a tone that i knew was half trying to make up and half trying to evoke me and blame me. I told myself that i shouldn’t go back to talk to him at that moment, but I did (just like every time). We met up and he made things worse. We both did. Feeding off each other like always. He kept on provoking (like always), and it got to the point I felt it was finally enough to end things. I could never handle when he went on and on about ‘why the hell are we together?’, ‘what are you (me) doing?’ ‘we hate each other’, etc. etc. He was the most ungrateful bastard, living in my house for free and treating me like this. I knew things wouldn’t change anytime soon with him, and I stood strong with my feeling on that walk, that there was no other solution I could think of. there was nothing more i could hold onto. sometimes things don’t work out, and you don’t have the answer. I couldn’t look for the answer anymore. I’m battling my own health issues, major stress, career decisions, and, of course, the quarantine. I let him go. He freaked out, obviously. He didn’t believe me for the next few days even. First he was a dick, then that was followed by him being anxious and frantically figuring out what he was going to do (mind you, with no money for NYC rent, no job, and nowhere to stay temporarily in the middle of quarantine), then endless crying and begging to me. I was able to stick strong with that feeling i had felt on the walk. I was sad, shocked, disappointed and relieved all myself, but I knew I didn’t have any other solution.

The rest of the weekend was filled with loneliness, sadness, drinking and eating in bed, sad yoga, ignoring each other, him making me feel bad (and actually feeling bad) for “kicking him out”. We had some more talks earlier in the week, when he finally asked if i wanted this for good. They were calm talks and I was able to stick with my decision. Later on in the week we started hanging out a little bit more, still distant, but enjoying each other’s company in the night time and not ignoring each other. I knew it became too much when even on friday night we got in a stupid yelling fight about... (and i’m sorry but i really need to write these details down)... him wanting me to play guitar hero right as i had called up my friends to chat, and came off the phone 20 minutes later (cut them off so i could play with him) and he refuses to play, saying he was tired and his feelings were hurt. saying he wanted to play 20/30 minutes ago but not anymore. I was absolutely furious. He might have even had the chance to sleep on my bed that night but i sent him straight to the floor and even threatened to kick him out right then and there. I had planned for us to have a good weekend together, and I was completely crushed when this fight happened. Maybe I was relieved to know i made the right decision, but just so sad to know our relationship had gotten this awful.

The next morning, he embraced me sweetly and I accepted. I know 100% that I would not have accepted this embrace otherwise, but it was our last weekend together, possibly forever, and I couldn’t let myself not at least try to enjoy our time together and bask in how good the good times made me feel. Even though I had some moments of internal disappointment about him and us, it was a relatively magical weekend (for a weekend spent in quarantine). We walked and talked forever, bringing his stuff into storage, picking up food (first time during quarantine for me, so, a treat), walking and driving to our old favorite places all day and night, making margaritas, and two nights of great physical intimacy (maybe not our best/longest ever, but eons better than we had experienced in over 6 months). I was very afraid of this physical intimacy, I was afraid of the cuddling and all the things he kinda pried me to do all week...but I couldn’t have been happier that I gave in, however hard it may make this time period for me right now, and regardless of if he was just manipulating me or not. Because on that night I realized I do really love him, and we love each other. Despite all the shit in our relationship, and whether or not we should be with each other, we share a real love for each other, and I feel that my heart has opened even just a little bit more. I don’t know what he is feeling, but I know that when he left on Monday I felt a giant, gaping hole in the center of my chest. I truly felt like I lost my best friend. Many times over the past few days when we were together (I don’t remember the conversation now) we talked about the possibility of being together again or hanging out as friends, and I kindof just knew that things would never be the same, and didn’t know how this would ever work out. But I knew that I would never want myself to forget this moment and feeling of love. As much as his love has killed me and ruined me it’s made me grow in ways I never knew I wanted to. I realized how every break up I’ve been through I’ve hid the emotions from others and myself, even from the partner. This time, I’m realizing I’m able to finally feel these things, and I know for the first time what it feels like (not to lose someone you love, but to be this open about it with yourself or others).

A few minutes before we walked out on monday we were crying looking at each other and I thought to myself ‘I really, truly love him’. It took me a few beats to kick the words out of my mouth (fear of rejection, judgement of my own feelings), but I knew I would be crushed if I hadn’t. Not even for him but for me. I decided I didn’t care in that moment if he felt the same way as me, I knew I needed to tell him that, there was no other time. The entire weekend I felt extremely vulnerable crying with him loving him and laughing with him after I had broken up with him...but this is an experience I’ve never had. There’s usually a lot of bad blood and repressed anger, maybe some brief break up sex followed by fighting at the end of a relationship....but (unfortunately) this was already the norm in our relationship....so the ending was truly just a letting go of it all and being happy with each other. Even for only 2.5 days, we really wanted to spend every waking second with each other. And the part that makes me most sad is knowing the familiarity of his face, scent, voice, etc. so well, and now having it vanish in thin air, forever. 

I still don’t think I’ve processed everything 100%. I went to bed moderately fine last night, then woke up today bawling crying because I am usually woken up by him and this morning I wasn’t and it felt so odd and different, and I thought...this is going to be my life for a very long time now.