a-scapegoats-supernova

[a-scapegoats-supernova]

"I brought you into this world, I can take you back out".

"What a harsh thing to hear from my dad", child me thought.

"Maybe I was too out of line and deserved this?

When does this stop?

Am I going to survive?

What if I ran? What if I... put an end to it? No, wait... I should just do better, I must do better.

I can mold myself and adapt.

Hold on.

If I tried just a bit harder, I could make them happy, I could make US happy. I can fix this family. I can stop the angry outbursts. I can stop dad from abusing mom. I could fix my mom's enabling behavior and crippling codependency.

I'll bear this burden of being stripped completely nude, shamed, degraded, exposed to my little brother, and beaten relentlessly over minor or perceived slights against my father while my little brother was forced to watch on, helplessly". I'll bear the burden of extreme physical punishments, being beaten while running miles on a treadmill, while sobbing over a pool of tears and choking as the blows came from above for what felt like hours.

I'm begging for it to stop, please make it stop. I'm crying, screaming, hysterical, pleading, begging for the fucking intervention of a higher power whilst my little brother echoes on the same in what feels to be another world entirely. In a single moment, all I see is my mom's unsuccessful, weak, attempt to beg him to stop. "They're just kids J****!!!", she pleaded.

My father; who adult me now refers to as "the sperm donor that impregnated my mother", redirects his anger towards her, screaming that he is disciplining his kids and to leave - or else. I watch as my mom; my protector, leaves the house, choosing to spare herself and instead - offers us as sacrificial recipients of horrific rage. This would continue on forevermore; albeit, in a more transformative act of theatrics.

Growing up, every time I expressed anything characteristic or indicative of personality, of weaknesses, of hell... even strengths (my humor, my positivity, my likes, my resilience, my creativity, my empathy) - it always led back to intense degradation and punishment. My brother very quickly learned to play the role of "the missing child", understanding that to survive - he has to be completely mute.

Oddly enough; from the outside looking in, my brother and I looked particularly well-adjusted, just quiet. We had "nice", material possessions, mostly in the form of video-games or other electronics. Sperm-donor made sure to purchase the "things he never was able to afford growing up" and imparted them upon us, which were nothing more than toys of vicarious nature. I can't speak for my little brother, but I know that I displayed outward happiness, mostly because I knew it would make sperm-donor happy and feel self-soothed, temporarily.

Material possessions were a safe haven of commonality to show the outside family that we were "well provided for". These were effective tools of punishment, easily taken away and easy to use in situations of devaluing my brother and I.

"Yes sir, yes ma'am" and acts of full compliance were thrown at every opportunity and frequently brought up in front of other family & close family friends, solely for my parents to display their superior parental skills. Personal wins of mine were discussed and put on broad display for... you guessed it. My parents would brag about how well they were doing and the sperm donor would continually drone on about how much money they were making.

As I skip over numerous situations, the important thing to note is that the physical abuse stopped when I attempted to self-harm at 13 years of age. This is completely uncharacteristic of me and I'm generally a happy person. The abuse then became purely mental and emotional, with my mom fully adopting the same role as my father. I reached out to friends, family, faculty in school and I was scapegoated and controlled into believing that I must have been the issue all along. In moments; only when sperm-donor was not threatened, I could confide in him if I was under extreme distress. In one situation and before I graduated high school, I told him that I felt depressed and I was deeply unhappy. He turned to look at me, smiled, and said that I should kill myself and laughed. I lost control and punched into his storage locker, resulting in him uncontrollably laughing. I could hear the echoing of those words and laughter as I confided in my grandparents that same night, uncertain if they would even be able to help or believe me.

I've come to learn through therapy that codependents (like my mom) with narcissists (like sperm donor) always turn into co-narcissists or narcissists themselves, using people around them to do anything to "keep the peace"... meaning to maintain the veil over the dysfunction.

"What happens in this house, STAYS in this house, do you hear me?", threatened my mom's sperm donor.

It's sort of funny, having a newborn son of my own now - these memories; long processed yet - pushed beneath the surface, have begun making a resurgence. Each developmental milestone of his, forces a flashback. An instantaneous reawakening of repressed memories, leading to moments of deep retrocognition and mindful introspection.

What provoked me into writing this?, you might ask.

I recently had to make a difficult; but self preserving decision, to cut out another one of my toxic parent's enablers. My boundary was made completely clear and was violated, to which they responded with anger, gaslighting, denial, and blame. For that, they will deal with self-imposed consequences as my wife and I co-steer our ship into healthier horizons, away from them and any that would allow themselves to be cannon fodder for narcissistic enabling.

I welcome my role and bear the "burden" of being blamed for it all for simply telling the truth. I'll take anything that comes my way and handle it justly, fairly, appropriately, but most importantly... with complete passivity through breaking the familial dysfunction of "keep this in the house/keep this stuff offline (which is what my extended family is wishing for)".

I plan on blogging more in the future. Much to the chagrin of some of those around me, I find it necessary to speak my mind, when and where I see fit.

Lastly; if you as a reader have made it this far, I would like to leave you with a recent insight.

Most of us are familiar with the concept of yin and yang. Natural and interconnected dualities that exist in the material, fire to water, expansion to contraction, or darkness to light.

Most of us are also familiar with a basic concept of black holes, easily summed as a region where gravity is so strong... no particles, even light can escape it's wrath.

Let me introduce you to a counterpoint, the white hole. A theoretical cosmic object that burns so bright, matter serves to only emit.