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WHY AM I SO MISERABLE. i mean i know the answer is ‘major depression’ but that’s a boring answer, can’t we mix it up a little

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Dodie’s Autumn wardrobe

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Report: White Man in Local College Class Will Not Shut the Fuck Up

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just my personal opinion……

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The Depression Diaries: Day 5

Am I about to cry to an instrumental piece? Wait, there’s lyrics now. Hopefully they’re not as sad. ‘How rare and beautiful it is to even exist’ whoops okay they’re great too.

Anyway, my Depression.

The task today was to go to the job centre. And mum didn’t even give me the money to get a baguette. How rude. I wore my favourite socks, as if that would help me get through the day somehow.

(Not my lucky socks, they’re different)

It was difficult, but it always is to do things like that. I’ve got a job interview coming up, maybe two if I get my act together and phone the damn guy. Everything is happeneing all at once and I’m getting overwhelmed. I’m keeping that typo. It’s furthers my point.

I’m not feeling any better, but I’m not feeling any worse. I guess stagnating is something. I kinda hope the work I get is part time, whatever it is that I do.

My head hurts and I’m kind of enjoying the other thing I’m writing, so I won’t go to introspective on this one.

Thought to sum up the day: Getting a Quilava in a raid was the most exciting thing to happen to me today and I had takeaway

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i hate white men who say they’re ‘playing devil’s advocate’. i’m like: the devil already has lots of advocates, and they all look like you, and this isn’t a fun game.

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The Depression Diaries: Day 4

Today’s challenge was just to go to the musical theatre thing with Mum and Josie. Which meant that I didn’t have to go outside by myself, so the task wasn’t stressful. I even managed to dress nice. Proper nice. With a clean bra and stuff.

It’s the black one though, which is ITCHY.

I think today was better. I wasn’t better, don’t get me wrong, but I was inherently excited to see Pete. I don’t get to see my family as often as I’d like, and I’m looking forward to Christmas. Because I see James even less, and he’s hopefully done a fair amount of growing up.

I hope I’m better by Christmas. Because at the moment I’m not really excited for Halloween, which I should be. There’s a coffin on my table.

I’m trying to get used to saying depression. Not just ‘feeling weird’ or something like that. It’s a chemical imbalance. And going outside doesn’t seem to be doing much for it. At least not yet, maybe it will! Only thing it’s doing at the moment is getting me some fresh air and meaning that I don’t spend time in my own thoughts so much.

I think that’s really all for the depressiony thoughts today. I’m really tired, and I think my thing at the job centre won’t go well. I hope I still get the money though, I’ve got Christmas presents to buy.

A thought to sum up the day: To the core exhaustion

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The Depression Diaries: Day 3

I don’t know if there’s much to say for today. I slept in like I always do these days and applied for jobs. I didn’t eat lunch because I wasn’t hungry.

I had to meet mum at work, that was today’s task. It was arguably the most stressful. I think a lot of that came down to the fact I left myself hardly any time to actually get dressed. I brushed my hair too quickly and it hurt, which is saying something considering it was kinda greasy.

Didn’t change my underwear, which I understand is logically gross and I shouldn’t post this fact to the internet, but it’s documenting my experience.

It was really hard. It’s a very familiar route, but the walk to the church on a Wednesday apparently reminded me of anxiety group. It brought back sicky feelings. And on top of that, I had to wait in the entrance and nod and smile politely at people in pink shirts who I should definitely remember the names of but don’t.

I was fine once Mum appeared. It’s the being outside on my own that makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t necessarily like being out and about in general. I don’t mind the car, but being too far away from home is scary.

I’m kind of dreading going to Southampton with Mum. That’s miles away.

I’m still not feeling things though, not properly. The only time I seem to be able to process emotions is when I’m awake at stupid times and exhausted.

Both lots of the soaps I watched today should have made me feel things. But I didn’t.

To top this entire crap fest off, I think my charger is broken. Phone, that is. I know that my laptop one is.

Thought to sum up the day: Anyone wanna buy me a phone charger?

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Waving Through A Window by Ben Platt

“Can anybody see? Is anybody waving back at me?”

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The Depression Diaries: Day 2

I’d already forgotten about doing this, but I have another forty ish minutes, and there’s nothing to say that this even has to go up on the day. This is for me. Why am I holding myself to this?

Because I’m like that, always have been, always will be.

Today’s task was to go to Havant and buy noodles. I still felt sick being away from the house, and once again, I looked like I was on drugs, but I got a return so I couldn’t just get off, find a North bound, and go home. The chatty old man was at the bus stop, the one who goes to Cosham and sits in the seat by the emergency exit. I hid on the other side, because talking to people is more stressful than just being near them.

Got on the bus, fidgeted anxiously to myself and listened to music. Got off at Havant and presumably looked a lot like I was on drugs, but now in a new location.(!)

Got a baguette. At least that wasn’t too stressful. The lady in there knows what I get so I don’t have to ask. It’s more familiar territory.

Then I walked all the way to tesco. Nauseating. And more importantly, just kind of difficult. They need to put a zebra crossing there because I have this constant fear of getting it a bit wrong and being flattened.

Couldn’t find a basket in tesco, which was unbelievably stressful. There should be some by the travellators. Why wasn’t there any? I had to grab one by a, oh what’s the word I’ve forgotten the word, till. Till is the word I am looking for.

Spent about ten minutes anxiously pacing the same few aisles trying to figure out where the noodles are. I hate tesco, it’s unfamiliar. I know where the noodles are in Asda.

Found noodles, spent another ten minutes finding milk.

The lady wasn’t too chatty, and thankfully I didn’t end up getting served by someone I know. (Jai Bailey works in tesco now?) and then instead of looking at Halloween stuff, I went home.

You know when you can feel people looking at you? People were looking at me. Like they knew something was wrong.

When I got in I went to sleep and I honestly don’t think I’m going to be up for going out again tomorrow.

What I’d underestimated, when agreeing to this plan, is exactly how much energy it takes to do things. I haven’t brushed my teeth in a few days. Gross, right? I was just in the bathroom too. But the thought of getting up and going to do that is so exhausting in itself, that I can’t find it within myself to do it.

That being said, my teeth hurt. I should probably do it after this. It might stop me eating.

So far I’ve found that the only time I’m not actively very Depressed is when I’m singing. And sometimes that’s not the case.

(See: me listening to When by dodie at 1 am.)

But when I get to musical theatre it up with my family or singing in the car it’s a welcome distraction. There’s just no way for me to do that constantly, not without pissing people off anyway.

My feet hurt, I’ve not really been on them this much for a while. I go shopping with my Mum but that’s not the same, I’m with her then. I have a safety net.

I’m trying to get back to my old safety net, but that’s not working out too well at the moment.

Thought to sum up the day? Everything hurts.

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The Depression Diaries: Day 1

An Introduction

So, what is the depression diaries?

A (not especially well-written) way for me to keep a journal of how I’m feeling during Mum’s plan to undepressify me.

And that plan is? I have to get dressed, brush my hair and go outside every single day. Because I was starting to look, and quite frankly smell, a little bit depressed.

So. Today’s plan was for me to go to the One Stop and check my mum’s balance. Meant getting dressed but not necessarily looking nice because I’ve been further in my pyjamas.

I had no idea how hard it was going to be, not really. I was even looking for jobs instead of getting dressed. I brushed my hair and dawdled for an hour. I put on pants, socks and a jumper and then lied down and did nothing. It’s not until I had to function as a member of society that I realised just how exhausting being a person is.

I got all the way past Yo’s house before I realised exactly how nauseous I felt. I was certainly anxious, and to be honest it was nice to feel something again, but it kicked in there. I was too far. I almost ran back, I almost cried.

I carried on, I was listening to Waving Through a Window which felt, well, oddly accurate.

Inside the One Stop itself I was also immensely uncomfortable but there wasn’t anything I could do in there. I couldn’t just leave. So I checked the balance, and my own, and there was apparently money in there.

(Thank you, Money Fairy)

I got chocolate buttons and walked up to the counter. Oh my God. Strangers. It’s the dude with the long hair, he like good music and has served me over a hundred times. He probably thinks I’m on some hard drugs, or the low functioning end of a something. I looked unwell, physically and mentally. I could tell.

Almost cried on the way back. I suppose it didn’t help that the red sun was making it look a bit apocalypsey outside.

Yes, Microsoft Word. I meant apocalypsey.

Honestly, I’m dreading tomorrow. This was the first time I’ve been out by myself for near enough three weeks and it was so hard.

I don’t think I’ll make it to Havant.

A thought to sum up the experience: Vomit-Inducing

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Novelist error messages.

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“i’m a writer” i say as i sit here and don’t write.

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Quilava without the fire is just a long teal eggplant

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Sausage

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火鼠たわー | こたつこ [pixiv]

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Fire babs